Hush Third Trimester -Chapter 3
Chapter 3
On August twenty-nine, Jensen gets to go home. The day before, he has a long session with Dr. Cortese. She asks Jared to joins them in the middle of it and they speak about the way Jared sees Jensen’s return. They talk about the signs they should both watch for that will tell them Jensen isn’t doing well, and about what Jensen needs to do to help his recovery. Jared takes everything in and swears to himself to do whatever he can to help his fragile husband follow the path to full recovery. He knows it will be weeks before he truly feels better. He knows there might be relapses, that Jensen can’t truly begin his healing process until after the baby’s born, alive and healthy.
Yes, Jared knows all this but he also knows that here, between these walls, there is only so much progress Jensen can make. He wants to cook for him, lie in bed with him, sit outside in the backyard and watch the stars with him. He’s not afraid, he's determined. He wants to be able to erase the lost and scared expression from Jensen’s eyes and see them shine again when he looks at him.
They would have left that same day, but Dr. Collins wants to see them before they leave. Jared arrives at the hospital shortly after eight on the 29th. Jensen is showered and dressed, his bags are packed and he waits, sitting on his bed, looking tired and nervous but determined.
“So, you’re really ready?”
Jensen nods. “I know, what I’m asking of you here.”
“Meaning?”
“Meaning this isn’t going to be easy for you because I’m a needy mess, and you’ll have to deal with me all by yourself,” Jensen whispers, lowering his head.
“I can’t wait to deal with you all by myself,” Jared declares, which coaxes a small smile from Jensen.
“What about work?”
Jensen hasn’t asked a lot of questions as to how Jared has dealt with his job so far because he just hasn't been able to care about it, not with how full his head has been. At least, that’s what Jared thinks.
“I’m off until September eighth, then we’ll reassess. I may have to cut down on the amount of paternity leave I take, but-“
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll… After she’s born I’ll take care of her and-“
“Well, I know you will, but I want to spend at least a month home with my husband and our baby daughter.” Jared kisses the top of Jensen’s head. “And now I want you to stop worrying about my job, okay?”
Dr. Collins arrives, cutting their conversation short. He does a quick physical exam of Jensen, this time asking a nurse to bring a scale into the room. As it turns out, Jensen’s weight is the same as the week before he got admitted. Collins seems satisfied despite Jensen’s evident anxiety over it.
“I know you lost weight right before and the first few days of your hospitalization, which means you must have gained it back. It would have been better if you had at least put on five more pounds, but due to the circumstances, this could have been worse. Your body is the principal loser in this since the baby will take whatever it needs and feed on your reserves.”
“Oh. Well, I don’t mind her doing that,” Jensen laughs nervously.
Collins nods and sits in front of the both of them. “I wanted us to talk about your delivery before you go back home, Jensen.”
Jensen pales but nods nevertheless. Jared wraps his arm around his shoulder.
“I know it’s a tough subject, but you need to be prepared, okay?”
“Yeah,” Jensen whispers. “I know.”
“First, you need to know there isn’t anything wrong with the baby or your pregnancy, despite the circumstances. But I think it would be better if we went with a planned c-section.”
Jensen’s reaction is immediate. Jared feels his entire body tense next to him, can hear his breathing accelerate.
“No, I can’t… Don’t want to be asleep when… Don’t-“
Collins raises his hand in a comforting gesture. “You need to stay calm and listen to me. You won’t be asleep, okay? You’ll be aware of everything, you’ll hear your baby’s first cry. Most c-sections are done using an epidural.”
Jensen relaxes, although not completely. He touches his belly quickly, three times. “But why?”
“Because your mental state with a natural delivery could be bad enough to jeopardize it. We don’t want you to get into a prolonged state of anxiety. A birth is hard enough as it is and there are so many elements we can’t control.”
Jared keeps silent, wondering if a c-section is really necessary. Isn't it an invasive procedure, riskier than a natural birth?
Then he thinks about Jensen’s condition. There is no way of telling how much better he will be by December. Right now, the bare mention of the delivery has visibly upset him. Can they risk this? If the labor goes on for too long, even if the baby is okay, what will his reaction be? Will he be rational about it or will the anxiety eat him alive if he thinks about how everything went the first time.
“Dr. Collins is right,” he finally states. “Jensen, you have to think about yourself.”
“No, for once, I’m not thinking about myself. M’thinking about our little girl. Could this cause her problems?”
“No. Listen, Jensen, your stress level and your capacity to give birth are as important as any other health problems. I don’t want to sound harsh, but what if you fall back into a catatonic state right in the middle of the labor? What if we have to medicate you through the labor and delivery?”
Jensen wipes at a single tear sliding down his cheek. He shakes his head, stretching one hand to scratch the flannel sheets with his fingernails. “I’ve ruined everything,” he whispers. “I’m not even good enough to-“
“No, stop that,” Collins says with authority. “You’re going through an incredibly tough time and you need help, just like someone with a broken leg would need help. This isn't any different, Jensen, and you have to understand that. The c-section will be easier on you. It won’t affect the baby and if the placenta causes any problems, we will already be there to resolve it. I’m not saying it’s likely to happen, but think about it: an umbilical cord wrapped around a baby’s neck can’t cause any damage if the baby is delivered by c-section. This would be another way for you to be assured than none of what happened last time will happen again. You’ll know when the baby will be born, you’ll know how much time it will take, your husband will be next to you and you’ll be awake.”
Jensen bites his lips. The idea is visibly making its way into his head. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. His fingers on the sheet. Jared wonders if these nervous habits are here to stay.
“I… understand," he finally says.
Collins smiles. “Good. At our next appointment, I’ll do another sonogram to evaluate the baby’s age more precisely. Then, we’ll be able to schedule a c-section at the beginning of the thirty-eighth week. More or less.”
Finally, the androcologist leaves, wishing them good luck. Jensen sighs deeply, leaning against Jared. “Home,” he whispers.
“Yeah, let’s go.”
Jensen doesn’t do much the first few days after his return home. He sleeps a lot, which is normal, according to Dr. Cortese. He watches TV, reads a little. He still looks nervous and on edge, the belly-touching keeps happening, and he’s quiet. He does seems relieved to be back, though. They spend their nights with Jensen plastered against Jared, holding onto him, his breath warm on Jared’s chest.
After two days, they need to run errands to buy groceries and Jensen refuses to go. He says he’s not ready. Jared hesitates to leave him alone, even for an hour, but decides to go for it. Getting back to a normal routine is one of the keys to Jensen’s recovery, according to Cortese. They can’t hole themselves up until December.
Jensen does well during Jared’s two-hour absence. When he comes back, arms full of purchases, Jensen is waiting for him, sitting calmly at the kitchen table. He smiles when he sees him.
“It was okay,” he says, unable to completely hide the pride in his voice. “I didn’t feel too anxious.”
Jared smiles back at him, and thinks that he’s not much better at hiding how proud he is of his husband.
It gets better as time passes. After a week, Jensen is able to take walks in the neighborhood at least once a day. He still doesn’t want to go out in crowded places, but Jared hopes that will come in time.
His sleep pattern gets back to normal. He wants to help Jared with the household chores, wants to cook, speaks with his brother on Skype on a regular basis.
He insists that Jared go back to work when he’s supposed too, even though Jared hesitates. This, what they have right now, it’s fragile. Jensen still sometimes needs an anxiolytic when he just can’t calm down by himself. “It’s like my brain is working against me, Jay,” he tries to explain. "When I start thinking about the baby, about everything that could go wrong, it won’t stop. Like there’s another Jensen in there who’s job is to convince me that the baby isn’t okay, that I’ll never get to hold her. And he’s hard to shut up. Keeps repeating the same thing again and again and then I… the panic starts and I just can’t… empty my head and let go.”
This isn’t just about the occasional pill to help control his anxiety, there is so much more. Although Jensen has made progress since his breakdown and his first days at the hospital, he’s far from being back to himself. He’s needy, insecure, tires easily and needs constant reassurance. For Jared to go back to work full time seems very risky, in his eyes. The thing he fears the most is for Jensen to regress instead of making progress.
They find a compromise. Jared only takes half of his work load back, which means he has a lot of free time and will never have to spend whole days at school. The commute to work barely takes ten minutes. He’ll be able to come back home during the day, when he doesn’t have class.
Jensen accepts this compromise willingly. He even seems a little relieved, which tells Jared he has made the right call.
Before Jared starts working again, they go together for an appointment with Dr. Cortese. She seems pleased by the way Jensen’s progressing. He complains he still has trouble leaving the house or imagining the birth of their daughter in a positive, realistic way. He needs to take it one day at a time, she repeats. He was in a very bad place when he got hospitalized and maybe can’t really see the progress he’s made.
Jensen sighs. “To be honest, after Jay found me in our backyard, the first couple of days are kind of blurry. I don’t really remember, except that it fucking hurt just to keep going. Every minute seemed like a day.”
“You know,” Genevieve clears her throat. “You were in a pre-psychotic state, Jensen. We were lucky we could help you in time.”
Jensen’s eyes go wide at the mention of the word “psychotic.” Jared shivers, but he figures he knew it all along. Imagining that your baby daughter is buried alive in your backyard isn’t what anyone would call living in reality, and that’s what psychosis means: losing contact with reality.
He still wonders how much worse it could have been.
One day at a time.
Jared goes back to work. The first few days, he can’t concentrate, can’t help but worry constantly. He knows Jensen is doing better and that Felicia takes every opportunity she has to stop by. Still, he’s always relieved when he comes back home and finds out that Jensen has managed on his own. He still doesn’t do much, still acts a little nervous, unsure of himself and needs reassurance, but he manages.
They haven’t talked about the baby since Jensen’s return home. Jared doesn’t quite know if he should or not. They’re heading toward October, the nursery isn’t finished and there is still a lot of equipment and furniture to buy. They don’t have a name yet. Jensen’s belly is now round and full, pressing against the fabric of his too-tight clothes. He looks gorgeous despite the dark circles under his eyes and the paleness of his face. Jared doesn’t dare tell him.
In the end, it’s Jensen who takes the first step. They’re eating dinner quietly one evening when he asks Jared if they could go buy new clothes for him during the weekend.
“Yes, of course,” Jared says, trying to contain his excitement.
“Because these don’t fit me anymore. I feel like they’re about to be torn apart just like the Incredible Hulk,” Jensen adds, smiling and blushing at the same time.
“You’re way more sexy than the Incredible Hulk.”
“Hope so. Anyway, Fel got this idea of taking photos of me and, you know, my belly, for us to remember and you could be there too and-“
“Really? That’s awesome.”
“I knew you’d like it. I’m warning you though, no cheesy pose of us looking far away with your hands on my belly.”
This last sentence is so Jensen-like that Jared’s smile grows wider. He agrees. At this point, he guesses that if Jensen wanted him to pose nude with pigtails in his hair, he’d say yes.
The day they go shopping, Jensen is nervous and takes an anxiety pill before they leave, just in case. It turns out fine, fine enough that he suggests they do a little shopping for the baby as well. Afterward, he falls asleep on the couch, completely spent. Jared is so proud of him he feels like he’s about to burst.
Felicia won’t let them see the photos of the session. It’s a surprise, she says. That night, Jared and Jensen make love for the first time since Jensen’s breakdown. The antidepressants he’s taking are known to diminish his sexual needs and it’s hard for him the get relaxed enough. Jared doesn’t mind -he’s too happy with Jensen doing better to complain about that kind of stuff. Still, their love-making is sweet, tender. Jensen looks and acts unsure, as if it’s his first time and it fills Jared with a love almost too painful to bear. They come one right after the other. Jensen sheds a few tears, apologizes, not for the first time, for what he’s put Jared through. Jared holds him tight and tells him to shut up. Jensen smiles through his tears.
Dr. Collins schedules the c-section for November 20, at eight in the morning. Their daughter has already turned with her head down Jensen’s pelvis, not that it changes anything regarding the surgery, but it’s another sign that everything is normal with her development. She kicks and moves her head on the sonogram screen. Collins asks if they have a name for her yet. They don’t.
Toward the end of October, Jared and Jensen spend an afternoon at Felicia’s. She'd invited them over to see the pictures she took. They’re all hanging on her walls, some in black and white, some in color, large 11” x 14” prints still curling on the bottom, fresh from the black room. She wants them to choose which ones they like best. Jared would take them all. Jensen is more technical about it, maybe because it’s easier than just staring at himself and his swollen belly again and again. “I like the shadows, there,” he points out. “And the grainy black and white.”
“I know your tastes,” Felicia points out, smiling widely.
The grainy black and white photo is beautiful. Jared and Jensen's faces are out of focus in the background, only Jensen’s hand over his belly is clear and pale, casting a shadow on the pale cotton of his shirt. It gives a vibe of both strength and vulnerability.
“I want all of them, in poster format,” Jared declares.
Jensen rolls his eyes at him, just like the old Jensen would have done. It feels good.
When they get back, Daneel’s car is parked in their driveway and they can hear Storm whining plaintively from the backyard, meaning she’s locked outside.
“What’s going on?” Jensen asks when Jared helps him out of the car.
Fear is already blooming in his eyes.
“I swear I don’t know. Maybe Daneel was just passing by and decided to wait for us.”
“That isn’t like her.”
“Look, it’s nothing, I’m sure. Come on.”
Although Daneel doesn’t know the worst, doesn’t know Jensen has been hospitalized for more than two weeks, she does know about his anxiety disorder and how fragile his mental balance remains from day to day. Jared knows his friend well enough to know she wouldn’t do anything to put Jensen in a difficult situation.
She waits for them at the door. Jensen looks over her shoulder like he’s seeing someone else behind her and barely says “hi.” Jared doesn’t know what he’s expecting. He gives Daneel a warning look while kissing her.
“Okay, guys,” she says quickly, raising both of her hands in a calming gesture. “It’s just me. Nothing to worry about… Wow Jensen, your belly looks huge!”
“Huh. Thanks?”
“Anyway, I thought it was kind of sad for you guys not to have a baby shower.”
Jensen pales. This is too much for him, of course it is. Jared frowns at Daneel so hard his eyebrows hurt.
“But!” Daneel goes on quickly. “I know you didn’t want to have one, that Jensen wasn’t up to it. And I totally respected that.”
Not very subtle, Daneel. Her sweet smile is kind of hard to resist, thought.
“So, come on guys, to the living room, where your own private baby shower is waiting for you.
She doesn’t wait for their reaction before she drags them both to the living room. There are presents everywhere, some huge, some very small. A couple of balloons hang on the wall and a huge paper banner says: Welcome Baby Ackles-Padalecki.
“Surprise!” Daneel says, pushing them toward the presents.
Jensen’s mouth is hanging open. Jared blinks a couple of times.
“Daneel? You didn’t buy all of this, did you?”
“Hey, I’m a secretary, I don’t shit money,” she replies playfully.
“But how… what did you…?” Jensen is running his fingers along a big box near him covered in ribbons.
“I went to see all of our friends - and your families too, guys, to collect the gifts. Jensen, your mom doesn’t like me, I don’t know why.”
“Because you’re nice and sparky and wear too much make up,” Jensen deadpans.
“What?” Daneel raises a hand to her face.
“Don’t worry, any make up at all is too much for my mother,” Jensen adds. “You’re perfect.”
“You… those are from Texas!” Jared exclaims, picking up a heavy box with the very recognizable handwriting of his mother.
“That’s why it took so long. Had to wait for Josh, Mackenzie, Jeffrey, Megan and your parents to send the gifts. I’ve been at this forever.”
“What did you tell everybody?” Jensen asks, sounding tense suddenly. “That I was too much of a wreck to-“
“Hey, no, I would never do that,” Daneel cuts him off softly. “I told them it’s the new way to do baby showers, that everybody in New York and L.A. are doing it this way. Everybody brings presents and they let the parents-to-be open them together.”
“And they bought that?”
“When I said that Prince William and Kate Middleton had done it that way, I convinced the most reluctant ones.”
Daneel looks so proud of herself, like a little girl who just succeed in tying her shoe laces for the first time. Jared hugs her against his chest. What she did is incredibly delicate and respectful of their current situation.
“And now, I’ll leave you guys to it. You gotta thank Felicia for getting you out of the house while I put it all together, by the way. Oh, there’s even a cake in the fridge.”
Daneel kisses the both of them and is already turning away when Jensen grabs her wrist. “Won’t you stay? Come on, Danni, you did all this… And fuck, just ‘cause I can’t act like a normal person...”
Jared goes immediately into protective mode. “Jen, nobody thinks you’re-“
Jensen huffs, exasperated. “Hey, no need to reassure me. I just want Daneel to stay with us while we unwrap the presents.”
“Don’t forget the cake. There is cake, your favorite.”
Jensen frowns. “Well, as long as it’s big enough for the three of us because, you know, I gotta eat for two.”
“It’s enough to feed twelve people, Ackles. Think you could spare me a piece?”
“We’ll see.”
Jensen hasn't seemed this relaxed since before the pregnancy. Jared is scared to say a word, scared the moment will pass too soon. He looks at his best friend and is reminded once again of why he loves her so much.
“What to open first?” Danni walks between the presents, then makes a fake-surprised face. “Oh. This one is from Mark and me. Well…”
“Not yet,” Jensen stops her before she can pick it up.
Daneel freezes, visibly as careful as Jared to not mess with Jensen’s good mood.
“We should call Felicia and invite her over. She covered for you and she took those awesome pictures of us.”
He looks at Jared, biting his lips, almost as if he’s asking permission. “I’ll call her,” Jared says quickly.
“Great, now we have to share the cake with another person.” Danni all but pouts.
They have a great time. Jared can’t remember the last time he laughed so much and felt so relaxed. Well, he does remember, but since it had happened before Jensen got pregnant, it’s way too distant to count.
They open the presents together. Felicia takes pictures. Danni stuffs herself with cake. Some of the presents are great. Jared’s mom sent a small quilt with complicated patterns in shades of yellow, green and pink. Some others are… well, interesting. One of Jensen’s colleagues gave them a whole collection of pacifiers with monster's mouths. It’s supposedly hilarious to have your newborn look like it has fangs with blood dripping from its mouth. Daneel tries one and they laugh so hard Jensen becomes red and crosses his legs in panic.
“Stop it, guys, really.” He squeaks.
“You okay?”
“I’m gonna pee myself,” Jensen declares solemnly.
Felicia bursts out laughing so hard she scares Mr. Mitten who is playing with a discarded ribbon.
“S’not funny,” Jensen protests, “My bladder is all compressed by my uterus and the baby kicks it all the time.”
He's still smiling, though. Later, when they’re surrounded by torn paper and baby gifts and drunk on sugar and too much laughter, Felicia asks Jared and Jensen if they’ve decided on a name yet.
“No,” Jensen yawns. He settles more comfortably on the couch against Jared, his belly on display. “Jared thinks Willow is a dwarf's name.”
“You’re supposed to say person of short stature,” Danni points out from the floor where she’s sitting with Storm, petting her head while the dog sighs in ecstasy.
“I loved that movie when I was a kid,” Felicia declares. “I’ll never be able to think of anything else if you name your daughter Willow.”
“See?” Jared says in triumph, rubbing his hand over Jensen’s belly. “I like Audrey, or maybe Marlene.”
“Marlene? Yuck. Sounds horrible,” Danni declares. “Oh. I get it. Your two favorite actresses, right?”
“Marlene Dietrich was so fucking classy and gorgeous, but the name is so-so,” Felicia adds. “What about you, Jen?”
“Well, I guess we all know who my favorite actress is,” he says, rising an eyebrow.
“Bette Davis,” the three others says in a perfect synchronization.
Jensen likes to say he’s in love with Davis, on an intellectual level. Jared isn’t jealous, given that she is, among other things, deceased. He likes when Jensen quotes All about Eve, a movie he knows by heart.
“Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a bumpy night,” Jensen declares in a perfect imitation, only an octave lower.
“So, Bette?” Danni asks.
“No, not Bette. I love her, but the name… It would have to be Elisabeth, and then who knows what her friends would call her, Betty, Lisbeth, Liz? Blergh,” Jensen shivers.
“Nobody will call her “Blergh,” Felicia cackles.
“Ah. Ha. Very funny.”
“Well,” Jared says very slowly, the embryo of an idea popping into his mind. “Her character name in All about Eve is Margo. That's kind of classy, too. And cute… And not too common.”
“Margo,” Daneel pronounces slowly. “Yeah, I like it.”
Jensen lifts his head and looks at Jared. “You know, it’s… it’s a pretty name. Strong. Just like Bette Davis, just like her character. I… I think we should consider it.”
“And her middle name would be?” Felicia asks.
“Gosh, Fel, it took them like… seven months to pick the first name. Give them some time,” Danni replies.
Felicia isn’t done, though. For the next half hour, she suggests all the names she can think of, picking the most ridiculous and strange of them all. Then Jared tries to outdo her and Daneel becomes the judge of who will think of the ugliest name. Jensen is relaxed against Jared, smiling lazily, his cat purring at his feet. At some point during their silly games, he falls asleep. When Jared realizes, he asks the girls to lower the volume.
“We should go,” Felicia says.
“We should clean up,” Daneel adds, yawning.
“No, leave that to me. You’ll wake him up.”
“Well, I won’t complain.” Daneel gets up slowly, stretching.
She looks at Jensen and gets a soft smile. “He seemed better today. How is he holding up?”
“There are good days and bad days,” Jared whispers, tightening his grip around Jensen’s shoulders. “But he’s better. Thanks, for doing this, Danni. It was great. You made him laugh. I miss that so much.”
Jared swallows hard. He needs to stop talking right now or he’ll end up crying.
“You’ve been so great with him,” Felicia adds because apparently, the girls have plotted to make him lose it.
“I do what I can,” Jared protest. “You know, maybe I’m just selfish because it hurts so much seeing him suffer and I never wanna have to witness that again.”
When the girls are gone, Jared slowly extricates himself from the couch without waking Jensen up. He cleans up and carries the presents to the nursery which is completed now and ready to receive their daughter.
“Margo,” he murmurs at the empty room.
“Yeah, Margo,” Jensen repeats behind him, startling him. He slides his arms around Jared’s waist and kisses him on the back of the neck.
“I woke you up,” Jared says quietly, leaning into his husband’s body heat, feeling his large belly pressing firmly against his back.
“Well, you, or the gastric reflux. Too much cake.”
Jared laughs and turns toward Jensen. He still looks half asleep, his eyes barely open. Jared kisses him.
“Margo Padalecki,” Jensen adds.
“Ackles-Padalecki.”
Jensen shakes his head. “No. The poor girl doesn’t need two last names. I’m the one who gets to carry her. You should be the one to give her your name.”
“Are you sure?”
Jensen nods. “Besides, Margo Ackles kind of sounds weird.”
“Well…”
“It’s settled then,” Jensen declares, ending Jared’s protests.
“I love you.”
“Sap.”
“Yeah, totally.”
“Let’s go to bed. My back is killing me.”
Jared nods and takes Jensen’s hand to lead him out of the nursery. Jensen stops in the doorway and takes one last look around. “You know, tonight, when we were talking about names and stuff?”
“Yeah?”
Jensen bites his lips and lowers his eyes, touching his belly quickly. “I could actually imagine her. I could see myself, holding her in my arms. It’s… it’s the first time since I got pregnant.”
“That’s great, Jen.”
Jensen snorts nervously. “Well, I’ll take what I can get. Usually, whenever I try to imagine our future with her, all I can think about is the day Jenna was born and what happened then. I mean, it’s still there in my mind all the time even though it doesn’t take up much space.”
“It won’t take any space at all once you get to hold our little girl for the first time.”
“Yeah…” Jensen trails off, still sounding unsure. He sighs and follows Jared out of the nursery. That night, Jared sleeps well and soundly. That night, he starts to believe in Jensen’s strength, in his will to fight his mental illness despite how hard it is sometimes.
You never realize how much you miss the simple act of hoping until it comes back and blooms in your chest like a flower.
chapter four
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