Hush Third Trimester -Chapter 4
It’s snowing on November 20th. Jensen wakes up at five AM, his bladder so full it hurts. His daughter is pushing against his belly like she wants to get out of there by her own means.
Jensen winces when he gets up, the small of his back protesting, the muscles there stiff and throbbing. He walks slowly to the bathroom, feeling swollen and clumsy. Storm follows him, but doesn’t jump or whine to go outside. She’s been very calm with him lately, like she understands what’s going on.
Jensen empties his bladder and goes to open the backyard door for the dog. Storm runs outside and starts rolling in the snow, getting on her back and twisting like she wants to make an angel. Mr. Mitten stays in the doorway, unsure of what to do. He takes one step on the white ground and runs back inside, looking disgusted by the temperature. "Wuss," Jensen tells him while the cat brushes against his legs. He would bend down to scratch him behind the ears, but the effort seems too much.
Jensen makes his way back to the bathroom and starts the shower. He stays under the hot spray for a long time, the muscles of his back slowly relaxing. He leans against the tiles, watching as the water hits his belly.
He feels huge. Can’t see his feet when he looks down. The skin around his navel is so stretched and tight it gives the impression it’s going to tear open at any moment. When Margo moves now, it’s uncomfortable, if not painful, depending on what she does.
Almost over, now.
Jensen gets out and dries himself. The amount of energy it takes to do this simple task is enough that all he wants to do is go back to bed and sleep a little more. He can’t, not this morning. They have to be at the hospital one hour before the scheduled c-section.
He thought he would be a bundle of nerves. He’s fairly surprised he managed to sleep at all last night. He waits for the anxiety to settle in. Dr. Collins had told him he could take an anxiolytic before getting to the hospital and Jensen will probably end up do it, but the fact that he didn't need it as soon as he woke up is as surprising as it is reassuring.
It’s almost six am by the time Jensen walks back to the room to dress. He picks soft paternity jeans and a loose long-sleeve shirt. He needs to feel comfortable today. When he’s done, he shakes Jared’s shoulder lightly. After a couple of groans, Jared’s eyes open wide and he fights the sheets to sit up.
“Time’s’it, we late?” he mumbles, rubbing at his face.
Jensen smiles. “No, we’re not late, but it’s six, time to get up."
Jared nods and sits on the edge of the mattress. Despite the sleepy expression on his face, there is concern there too as he studies Jensen carefully. “How do you feel?”
“Good. I don’t… I’m not as nervous as I thought I would be.”
“You don’t look nervous. I am, though. In a good way.”
Jared grabs Jensen’s hand and pulls until he has no choice but to sit next to him - except it’s more like falling, with the weight of his belly making him lose his balance. He sighs and leans against Jared’s body, still hot from sleep. “Can’t believe we’re here,” he whispers.
“You did it, Jen. You’ll never know how proud of you I am.”
Jensen doesn’t say anything to this. What can he possibly say anyway? It’s not the first time they've had this conversation. Since the beginning of November, Jensen really has felt better, enough to talk about his mental disease with Jared openly, enough so that he can distance himself from the man who'd thought he'd been going crazy in the psychiatric ward.
It’s not easy looking back and Jensen guesses it will take a lot more time before he's able to face, really face, how bad it was, how hard it was. Some of those early days, as much as the first month following his breakdown, he can’t even remember clearly. They're just a mess of vague images, clouded by the anxiety and the fear that had been poisoning him.
He does know how hard it must have been for Jared, though, and he has apologized, more than once. The guilt is there to stay for now, even if his husband has told him numerous times he doesn't have anything to apologize for.
Jensen can read, sometimes, between Jared’s words, or by the expression on his face, how scared he’s been. The mere thought that he’s responsible for it is hard to deal with. He tries, though. The meds are helping. They keep him from spiraling downward all over again. Guilt, fear, self-loathing. He can push it away much more easily now when he needs to.
“We’re going to meet our baby girl soon,” Jared murmurs, wrapping both arms around Jensen’s belly.
Jared deserves this so much. He deserves to hold his baby in his arms and be a proud father. He has changed during Jensen’s pregnancy. He has lost the slight vulnerability, the impression he used to give that he was still a little boy trapped in a giant’s body. He's more mature.
It’s not like Jensen has given him any choice. He doesn’t think Jared will ever be like he was before the pregnancy. Jared knows now that there is a fragility hidden in his husband’s mind. He has learned to take the lead, to worry more and to be a supportive, ever-present, reassuring partner for Jensen.
It’s not a bad thing. It’s not something Jensen has ever wished to happen either. It’s just the way things are now. Because of Jensen.
How could he refuse, then, when Jared had asked him if he minded his mother flying in from Texas to spend a couple of weeks with them? He could see in his husband’s eyes how important it was for him. Jensen would have liked to remain in an intimate bubble with Jared and their daughter for the first few days. However, he doesn’t have the faintest idea about how he’s going to feel, physically - and more importantly, mentally, after the c-section. If Jared needs support, needs him mom, Jensen will just have to deal with it. Besides, Sherry Padalecki is a wonderful person, caring and thoughtful. She had called Jensen a couple of weeks ago, asking him how he was doing, being so respectful and delicate about his illness. Jensen had been pretty close to tears when he hung up.
Then again, he’s been close to tears or shedding them so often since his breakdown that it doesn’t really matter anymore.
He stirs and asks Jared to help him up. “Come on, lazy ass, if you wanna have time to shower and eat something.”
“I won’t have breakfast in front of you.”
“Hey, I’m fasting because I have to - the last thing I need is for you to pass out during the c-section because of low blood sugar.”
“Alright, then.”
Jared showers and eats in record time. While he waits for his husband to be ready, Jensen goes through the stuff they’re taking to the hospital once again. He can’t help but unfold the pajamas they had chosen for Margo to wear home from the hospital. They're so small, so soft, so… pastel. Mauve is the right term, Jensen guesses. Jared had been crazy about them at the store. Jensen had given in.
“You’ll be here with us, in daddy’s arms, a couple of hours from now,” Jensen whispers to his belly, rubbing it softly.
He believes it.
The anxiety starts to rise on their way to the hospital. Jensen thinks about Steve and him in the same situation more than seven years ago. They had both been so nervous that they couldn’t stop laughing. Jensen's contractions had started at fifteen minutes apart and Steve had driven way too fast. “Next time we sit in the car together, our little girl will be in her seat in the back with us. Can you believe it, Jen?” Steve had said.
The next time they had been in the car together, there was no baby, no laughter, just a painful silence as Steve drove Jensen to his parent’s.
He’s breathing too fast. The anxiety pills are in his pocket. He takes one without hesitating. He needs to be as calm as possible for Margo’s birth.
“Getting nervous?” Jared asks.
“Yeah, I’m…” Jensen laughs awkwardly. “M’terrified.”
“In a good way?”
“Can one be terrified in a good way?”
“F’course,” Jared smiles, easy and comfortable. “I’m terrified to be a bad father, not to be able to hold her properly or to rock her to sleep when she cries.”
“…And I’m terrified she won’t make it,” Jensen voices calmly. “I get what you mean.”
“Hey, no, Jen, that isn’t what I mean at all.” Jared protest vehemently.
“Well, it is what it is, Jay. I still have trouble being rational about it, but at least I’m able to recognize that. Ready to deal.”
“And I’m ready to help you deal.”
Jensen smiles softly, turning his head to look at the snow falling through the window. “I know you are.”
By the time they roll Jensen’s gurney to the surgery room, he’s shaking all over, teeth chattering, shivers running from the middle of his back to his neck. He doesn’t feel anything below the lower part of his torso. This time, the epidural is doing what it’s supposed to do.
He knows they’ve injected him with a painkiller as well. This, added to the Ativan he took earlier, gives him the strange impression that time isn't passing as it should. He’s not “high”, not per se, but the mix of drugs and the adrenaline from what is about to happen is giving everything a slightly surreal vibe.
Jared is nowhere to be seen. He only left Jensen's side because the nurse wouldn't let him into the operating room until he was dressed properly for the c-section. Jensen is afraid he won’t be back in time. He knows it’s his anxiety trying to work him up. There is no reason for Jared not to be back.
The operating room is clinical, white tile walls, tubes hanging here and there, machines waiting to be used. Jensen is rolled right to the middle of it and a bright light makes his eyes water. He turns his head toward a masked nurse adjusting his I.V. line. “Where’s m-my husband?”
“He’s coming, sweetie, don’t worry.”
Jensen can see the nurse is smiling by the way the corners of her eyes crinkle. He takes a deep breath in. “It’s… it’s kind of a lot to take in .”
“It is,” she agrees, patting him on the shoulder. “We’ll put a sheet right there so you won’t see what Dr. Collins is doing.” She points at his chest.
“Yeah, okay.”
“And, when your little girl comes out, you’ll be able to see her immediately. It usually doesn’t take much more than half an hour from the point we get started, and then it will all be over.”
“I’m… fuck, I’m scared,” Jensen says because he is, he’s scared, even if everything is toned down by the drugs.
“Don’t worry. A c-section is a very simple procedure. You’re in good hands with Dr. Collins. Oh, there’s your husband. I told you it wouldn’t be long.”
Jensen turns his head and sees Jared’s very recognizable silhouette. He looks kind of goofy in his scrubs and his hat. Jensen smiles.
“Sorry, we couldn't find anything that fit,” Jared sits on the small bench placed next to Jensen especially for him, a little short of breath.
“Why doesn't that surprise me?”
“You doin’ okay?”
“I’m… Yeah I’m just… “
“Everything is going to be fine. We’ll get to meet Margo soon.”
“We will, won't we?” Jensen can’t help but ask. “I… what if she-“
“Let’s get this show on the road,” Dr. Collins announces his presence as he pushes through the doors with both of his hands raised at head level, just like in the movies.
He stops by Jensen and smiles under his mask. “I’m good at my job, Jensen. And right now, there is nothing more important to me than to deliver your little girl so that you can meet her. Trust me.”
This somehow brings tears to Jensen’s eyes. The sheet hiding his belly is already up. He feels very exposed, helpless. The sensation is strange, he knows something is going on, knows he’s being touched, even though he can’t really feel it. He stretches a hand out to grab Jared’s and squeezes it hard.
“It’s okay, babe. M’right here.”
Jared kisses Jensen’s cheek. It’s wet. Damn it, he’s crying. Doesn’t even know why. Everything is so overwhelming all he can do is concentrate on his breathing and try to keep his mind empty of all the poisonous thoughts that have been plaguing him since the beginning of the pregnancy.
Dr. Collins is speaking to him, Jared keeps murmuring reassuring words. The tears keep coming. He can’t help it. He wants it to be over, but at the same time, he’s so afraid of what might happen he wishes he could stay pregnant forever.
Please, please, please, he thinks while Dr. Collins starts to get the baby out. He can feel it, although it doesn’t hurt. Can feel being stretched, being opened, can feel the pressure inside of him. Please, please, please, he thinks again, and it starts a loop. At some point, he realizes he’s actually saying the words loud enough for Jared to hear them. “Love you,” Jared murmurs in his hear. “Everything is going to be fine. So proud of you, Jen.”
“Okay, guys, I got her,” Dr. Collins says enthusiastically as the pressure in Jensen’s stomach increases.
He can’t breathe anymore, can’t think, can’t-
Something is moving inside him, is being pulled away from him. The nurses are helping Collins with something. There is a slippery wet feeling against his stomach.
“She’s here, guys, she’s fine.”
“Oh. God.” Jared gasps.
“She isn’t c-crying,” Jensen stutters. He tries to rise on his elbows but is firmly kept in place by the nurse.
“Give her some time,” Collins said. “She’s fine. Wow. A big girl and, there…”
A tiny wail pierces the sudden silence, followed by a wet cry. Her, that’s her, she’s crying, Jensen thinks. What if he’s imagining it? What if it’s all in his head, sick as he’s been, it wouldn’t be the first-
“Look at her,” Collins says and Jensen can hear the smile in his voice.
The doctor lifts his arms over the sheet and god, there she is, squirming and crying, so loud, so alive.
“Oh my god,” Jensen whispers. “She’s… she’s okay…”
“She’s perfect, Jen,” Jared smiles so wide his eyes are reduced to slits.
“I bet she’s over eight pounds,” Collins says. “Give me a couple of minutes and you’ll be able to see her more closely.”
Jensen knows things are happening. He assumes the umbilical cord is being cut and that there is some cleanup to be done as well. Jared is crying next to him, keeps kissing him, babbling about their baby girl and how much he loves him. Something gets pushed deep inside of him. Dr. Collins tells them that the placenta is out and that there aren't any complications. Jensen just waits to see his daughter more closely, just listens to the wails and cries and tries to convince himself that this is really happening. Margo is here, with them, alive.
“Hey dad? Want to take her to her daddy?” a nurse asks. She’s holding the small bundle that is their daughter tucked securely in a flannel sheet.
“I… How am I…” Jared holds his arms out clumsily and lets the nurse place the baby into them.
“Careful of her head.”
“I can’t do this,” Jared complains. “I’m fucking gigantic. I’ll drop her.”
“No you won’t,” the nurse laughs. “Come on, take her to daddy.”
“Jay, please,” Jensen rasps. He physically aches with the need to see his baby girl.
“Yeah. Uh.” Jared walks toward him very slowly, almost tiptoeing, his eyes focused on the baby like it’s a time bomb. “Here we go, love, come and meet your dad. Oh god, she yawned. She’s so cute, Jen…”
“Well I can’t see her, dumbass,” Jensen snaps back.
“Sorry. Sorry, here, let me sit.”
Jared finally settles back on his bench and inclines his arms so that Margo’s head is close enough for Jensen to see her.
“Oh.” He says in a strangled voice.
She seems so small, so delicate. Her face is swollen, her eyes closed and she pouts with her tiny pink mouth, chin wobbling. She has a cotton hat covering her head and Jensen lifts it a little, just enough to see the very few curly strands of hair sticking to her skull. They’re still wet but look pale, just like her eyebrows.
“Hey Margo, hey baby, you’re so pretty, dad is so happy to meet you.”
She snuffles and yawns again, her eyes opening to slits.
“She’s okay, right?” Jensen asks in a small voice.
“Perfect. We have a daughter, Jen.”
Jensen had thought he would lose it when everything was finally over. He'd thought he would shatter again from the accumulated stress, from the memories of Jenna’s dramatic birth. He hadn't expected to feel this comforting quietness and calm invade him. He’s on a surgery gurney, waiting for the doctor to finish sewing him up. His head hurts, he stinks from sweating so much and probably looks as ridiculous as Jared with his surgical hat.
None of it matters as he watches Margo’s tiny chest swelling and deflating with the rhythm of her breathing. He smiles, can’t help it although it makes his cheeks hurt. He’s not crying anymore. Not fearing what could happen next.
This is unknown territory. No one is panicking in the room, he’s not getting dragged away from his stillborn baby while his boyfriend screams in distress. What’s happening, oh god, what’s wrong with her.
Jenna would have been six, almost seven. Jensen wonders what his life would be like now, had she lived. It’s not a desperate thought, not something he has to work on forgetting like before when it used to hurt so much he had to leave Jared to take long walks, to drive by himself until he’d managed to get himself under control.
“I wish I could remember Jenna,” he murmurs, and it doesn’t even hurt to say the words out loud. “Wish I could at least know if Margo looks anything like her.”
“I wish you could too,” Jared answers softly.
“Margo Rose Padalecki. How does that sound?”
“Rose? Really?” Jared’s face lights up.
Jensen knows how Jared’s grandmother had been important in his life until she'd passed away when he was twelve.
“Really.”
“Welcome, baby,” Jared bends down and kisses the tip of Margo’s nose.
She whines and grimaces. It’s a beautiful sight.
Jensen gets to go home four days after Margo’s birth. He feels pretty good, all things considered. His surgical scar itches like hell, he’s sore and clumsy, hates his deflated, tender belly and dreams of sleeping for eight hours straight but, all in all, he feels good. Relieved to be home. Jensen had accepted visitors at the hospital. He'd been happy to see many of his friends and family, all except Josh and Mackenzie -but his brother will be able to come and spend Christmas in Providence with his family and Mack will get back from U-Pen as soon as her trimester is over. When Jensen’s parents had arrived, Daneel and Mark were already there, which saved Jensen from any kind of awkward, intimate conversation.
So, yes, going back home means being able to rest and get to know his baby girl better. He’s holding his own, mentally speaking, aside from a crying fit the evening following the c-section which had been due more to fatigue and relief than anything else. When he'd spoken about it with Genevieve Cortese the following day, she told him it was normal. He was only experiencing the emotional roller coaster ride any new parent goes through. She did warn him to take it easy, though. As the pregnancy hormones are eliminated from his body along with the ones responsible for the production of milk, he may experience some ups and downs. Baby blues is something every mother or male bearer goes through at some level. The fact that Jensen can’t breast feed - the antidepressant would be present in too great a quantity in the milk and could make Margo develop an addiction to them - means his ducts will suddenly and naturally cease milk production. . It’s not only painful. It can worsen the baby blues symptoms.
“You’re already on an antidepressant so that's one factor in your favor. Still, if you feel like you’re losing control, you know my number.”
Jensen had sworn he would call. Anyway, it’s not like he’s done with his therapy. He doesn’t know when it’ll be over, but he’s not ready to stop seeing Dr. Cortese, nor is she ready to let him go. Antidepressants are usually given for at least six months before the dosage is slowly reduced. Getting off them takes another three months, if everything goes well.
Jensen has accepted he needs the meds and doesn’t really care about having to take them for a long period. He wants to enjoy every moment he has with Margo, wants to give her everything of himself he can. He’s also scared as hell of going through another episode like the one he'd experienced. This is what his nightmares are made of now, although they’re not as frequent as the cemetery one. Another acute manifestation of his anxiety disorder isn’t what scares him the most, although he hopes never to experience that again. No, what scares him is what it could do to Jared and their baby girl. It’s a motivation unlike any other to do what he needs to do to get better and stay that way.
Back home, Sherry Padalecki waits for them at the door. She insists on helping Jensen get out of the car while Jared takes care of Margo.
Sherry hugs Jensen tight, whispers in his ear that she’s so glad he’s better, that she wouldn’t want any other man to be the father of her granddaughter. Jensen hugs her back and wishes he could have the same relationship with his own parents. Of course, Sherry hadn't seen him at his worst and has never had to take care of him for months at a time. Maybe one day, Jensen will understand why his parents act the way they do. Maybe one day they’ll truly understand what he’s been through.
He doesn’t want to think about that right now though. He wants to enjoy the simple act of being at home with his family.
A week passes without Jensen feeling any symptoms of the baby blues, although he does suffer from the very painful consequences of engorged milk ducts and letting them dry out without lactating.
Jared behaves like the mother of all mother hens. It’s cute, but also annoying. Still, after everything Jensen has put him through, it’s understandable and he figures he can let Jared have his way if it reassures him.
Sherry is as discreet as she is wonderful. She cooks and clean the house, she gives advice without overstepping her role, always careful to let Jared and Jensen figure out by themselves how to adapt to their new life with their baby girl. She takes what must be hundreds of pictures of Margo. Her presence is soothing and reassuring. Jensen realizes he’s going to miss her a lot when she flies back to Texas in another week.
Storm doesn't react well to Margo’s arrival. She keeps her distance, starts winning every time the baby cries and spends her days curled up on her cushion, sighing loudly. It’s like she’s scared of this small wiggling bundle her masters have brought back home with them, like she's figured out that this crying, needy thing will change her doggy life forever. Sherry walks her twice a day and tries to cheer her up. It’s a phase, she tells the boys. She had raised and trained dogs for a living before she became a stay at home mother.
The cat is another story completely. The first couple of days, he hides from everyone, only coming out to eat a little. Then, he starts to get curious. He can stay immobile for minutes at a time, watching the baby from a safe distance. “He looks at her like she’s a bird,” Jared states.
“Don’t be stupid, he's never hunted anything,” Jensen protests.
Still, it’s very unsettling to see the cat obsessively watching the baby. When she’s asleep in her swing, he settles next to her, eyes wide and tail swishing through the air. At night, he doesn’t want to go out like he used to. Jared and Jensen close the nursery door and he lies in front of it as if he's just waiting for his opportunity.
“He does not seem to appreciate her very much,” Sherry states with tactfulness.
On that point, Jared isn’t tactful anymore. He has never really liked the cat but it’s evident he’s starting to hate him. “He's waiting for us to drop our guard so he can jump her,” he tells Jensen.
Jensen tries to defend his pet. In a whole week, the cat has never actually tried to get close to Margo. He’s adapting too, he protests. Then, one night, he has this strange dream where he walks into Margo’s nursery and finds the cat lying in the crib instead of his daughter. He wakes up in a cold sweat and calls Felicia the morning after to ask her if she can take Mr. Mitten for the time being.
Jared and his mother are so clearly relieved it’s almost funny to see how they try to hide it from Jensen. The truth is, he’s relieved too. Priorities tend to change when you become a parent.
On November 28th, as Jared and Jensen give Margo her bath, the dried out nub of her belly button falls off, revealing a small crest of puckered, pink skin. Jared congratulates her like she's just accomplished some incredible exploit. “Look at my big girl with her all new belly button. You’re growing up so fast, love,” he coos while wrapping her in a towel.
Jensen smiles, but something in his heart clenches. Yes, she’s growing fast. Her features have already changed and soon she’ll outgrow her newborn pj’s. Her hair is growing in thin dark blond curls. It's only been eight days. Time isn't just flying by, it’s like it’s jumping ahead of itself.
What if Jensen doesn’t enjoy each moment he gets to spend with his daughter to its fullest? He swallows back his tears because this is ridiculous. He doesn’t have any reason to feel sad.
Jared calls his mom to come and see Margo’s belly button and the moment passes. Still, that evening, Jensen insists on taking his turn during the night-time feeds. So far, Jared has stated he needed his sleep, needed to rest, the worry behind those simple words so evident that Jensen hadn’t push the issue. This time, though, he holds his own until Jared concedes that he could use a couple hours of sleep and that maybe needing eight cups of coffee to get through his day is a good enough indication of that.
That’s how Jensen finds himself giving Margo her bottle of milk at one in the morning in the big rocking chair in the nursery, everything in the house eerily quiet. His daughter drinks quickly, making all these adorable snuffling noises, her dark blue eyes open wide in the dim yellow light of her bedside lamp. Jared’s eyes, in shape at least. She also has his dimples. The curls in her hair are some kind of mystery since no one on Jensen’s side or Jared’s have the “curly gene” like Sherry says, but she thinks she may remember a great aunt of hers with very pretty blond curls.
“Are you taking after some unknown aunt, baby?” Jensen whispers, kissing her head. “Where are those curls coming from, huh?”
Margo sucks the last drop of her milk and whines when she gets some air after it’s swallowed. Jensen pulls the silicone nipple from her mouth - not without resistance - and pulls her up against his chest to help her burp. “We’re gonna have to put some more in there next time. You’re a little glutton just like your daddy Jared, right?”
Margo burps in response and Jensen bursts out laughing, startling her. Then, it’s like he can’t stop. He tries to laugh as silently as he can, but he’s soon so cramped up he has to let it out. Except that it sounds more like a sob than a laugh, his cheeks are wet and damn it if he’s not crying again without even knowing why.
He pulls Margo back in the crook of his arms and tries to calm himself down. She’s warm and quiet, her eyes rolling in the back of her head, her body slack and relaxed now that she’s sated.
“M’so fucking pathetic, crying over you like a big wuss,” Jensen rasps, wiping at his eyes with his free hand.
“Don’t worry, daddy’s just dealing with stupid hormones.”
“You are?” Jared asks from the doorstep.
Jensen smiles sarcastically and lowers his head. Of course, if he’s going to have a baby blues mini breakdown, Jared has to witness it.
“I’m fine.”
“You’re tired. I shouldn’t have let you-“
Jensen huffs and stands up, walking to the crib to put Margo to sleep. Jared follows, bending over it to have a look at their dozing daughter.
“I’m not tired. I’m okay,” Jensen whispers, offering Margo her pacifier. She latches onto it and starts sucking lazily.
“You were crying.”
“You cried too, the other day, when you couldn’t get her to calm down,” Jensen points out.
“It’s not-“
Jensen turns back and takes Jared’s face between his hands. It’s a gesture he hasn’t done for such a long time and it hits him in the gut how much their relationship has changed since they found out Jensen was pregnant. He wants some of it back. He wants Jared to be able to rely on him just like Jensen relies on him. He wants to be strong, in his head and in his heart.
“I’m doing fine,” he whispers as firmly as he can, looking Jared straight in the eyes. “I take my meds, I feel good, I haven't needed an Ativan once since Margo was born.”
“I…” Jared lowers his eyes and slides his arms around Jensen’s waist. “I didn’t mean it like that. I know how hard you’ve been fighting this freaking illness and I’m so proud of you Jen. I’m just…”
“Scared? Worried? I am too. I know what I put you through. Now, I’m gonna ask something of you, not an easy thing, but you have to promise me you’ll try.”
“What?”
“You have to start to trust me again.”
Jared’s face almost crumples right then. Jensen can see the effort it takes to keep his composure.
“I trust you…” He says in a shaky voice.
“No you don’t, not the way you used to. And it’s okay, Jared. After what happened to me, it’s only normal. But I am doing better. I’m not just trying to convince myself like I did before everything went to hell. I know what’s wrong with me now, I know this anxiety disorder is a serious illness and is here to stay. I mean… I might be able to go off the meds and therapy eventually, but it will always be there, somewhere in my mind. This… frailty.”
“Jen-“Jared tries to protest.
“No. Let me finish. It’s fine, I don’t see it as a sign of weakness. It’s an advantage for me, knowing it’s there, because I’ll be able to watch out for the signs that it might be back before it get so bad I have to be hospitalized. And that’s why I’m asking you to try and trust me again, because I need it, need to feel that you rely on me, babe. Need you to believe I won’t let it get bad the way it was, before asking for help.”
Jared blinks. He might be crying. It’s hard to say in the dim light of the room and the shadow cast across his face.
“Okay, okay, anything you want,” he murmurs. “I’ve been so scared of losing you, Jen. I… It was so hard seeing you like that and not being able to make it better. I’m just… I don’t want you to suffer, not anymore.”
Jensen smiles and kisses him on the corner of his lips. “What’s ahead of us, it’s good, it’s freaking awesome if you ask me.”
He tilts his head toward the crib where Margo is already sleeping peacefully, her mouth slack around her pacifier.
“I’m not scared of loving her anymore.”
It’s blooming in his heart like a flower, the love he has for his daughter, it’s growing each day and there won’t ever be an end to it. There is nothing to taint it anymore, to twist it with fear. And because of this, the love Jensen has for Jenna, the daughter he never got to know, is becoming something soothing and peaceful. A sweet, light memory that will stay with him forever.
But right now, he wants to look forward and walk straight toward the unknown. It’s the best feeling in the world.
--- ---
Author's notes: Although this story is about a pregnant man, which, we all know is impossible (right?) I always treat the subjects of my stories with the same seriousness. The mental disease Jensen suffers through has been handled with as much veracity and delicateness I was capable of. Not only did I make a lot of research but I'm a nurse and I have been working with patients suffering from this kind of mental illness. If some of you might have find it exagerated, the way Jensen breaks down and how his personnality changes right after, it isn't. General anxiety disorder and depression are extremely difficult to deal with, let it be for the patient or his close ones. I hope I haven't hurt any sensiblity and I only have respect and compassion for people struggling with mental disease. Thanks for reading!
Much love,
Little star
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