Hush Second Trimester -Chapter 2
“Did anything happen this week? You don’t seem to be in a good mood.”
Jensen sighs and sits back in the armchair more comfortably. Genevieve has been reading his journal for the first five minutes of their appointment, frowning all the while.
He'd written in it only once, despite the fact that he’s been feeling anxious almost constantly. It’s getting harder to write it down.
“I huh…had a fight with Jared,” he finally says because, hell, he has to say something.
“What about?”
“The baby’s nursery.”
Jensen lays a hand on his stomach. It’s becoming a reflex. To feel the bump, to convince himself that the baby’s there, that she’s alive and growing, despite the fact that he only felt her move once. He’s in his twenty-second week. Dr. Collins is satisfied. Nothing is wrong. The baby shows how she likes to move her arms and legs on the ultrasound. It’s just hard for Jensen to feel it. “Your abdominal muscles are still in the way, even if they’re getting softer,” the androcologist had told him.
“Jensen?”
“Mmm?”
“The fight? With your husband, what happened?”
“He wanted to paint the nursery.”
“Yeah, that’s a normal thing to do. Getting ready to welcome your little girl.”
“I know. He asked me to come with him to the store to pick a color and painting supplies and I huh… couldn’t.”
“You couldn’t go.”
“No. I… It’s stupid. I’m scared of…”
“Getting everything you need for your little girl and fearing that it won’t be used?”
Jensen nods. He feels the closeness of tears stinging his eyes. It happens more and more often.
“How did you resolve this?”
“We yelled at each other because… Jared has tried to drag me to the baby store before and…. Well, now I realize I always had an excuse. And he told me I can’t keep going on like this, I have to give this pregnancy a chance and stop thinking that what happened the first time will happen all over again.”
“Do you think he’s right?”
“Yeah.” Jensen swallows. “Yeah, I know he’s right, but I have trouble… being rational about this.”
“So?”
“So in the end we both apologized ‘cause we’re really bad at staying mad at each other. And I went with him and we picked the color scheme. White and blue. Jared has this hobby of fixing wood moulding and stuff. He already started. I think it’s going to be beautiful.”
“Do you help?”
“No,” Jensen answers, frustrated by the feelings of guilt. “I’m still working a lot and… M’tired when I get home.”
“You know, maybe Jared should come with you to your next appointment. To work on these issues you guys are struggling with.”
“Well, he’s right on the other side of the door,” Jensen tries to joke, but it fails lamely. “I don’t mind.”
He does. He does mind. There are some things he discusses with Genevieve because she’s paid to hear them, she’s a professional. He doesn’t want Jared to know how dark and desperate the world seems to him more and more frequently.
“We’ll only talk about the issues you’re experiencing, as a couple,” Genevieve specifies. Then she adds, taking another look at Jensen’s journal, “There isn't a lot written in here. Either your anxiety level is decreasing or you have trouble writing it down.”
“Hum… Maybe the last one? Seriously, when all those dark thoughts are like… invading my brain, it’s hard to write about it without getting anxious all over again.”
And there are some things I can’t talk about, like the dream that keeps coming back. Twice a week or more. My baby daughter is buried alive and I try to dig her up but I can’t reach her and she keeps crying and sometimes it’s Jenna, sometimes it’s this new baby whose lame father is so fucked up he has trouble being happy about her existence…
“Jensen?”
“Huh?”
“You zoned out again. Does that happen often?”
“I don’t know… Sometimes, I guess.”
Genevieve bites her bottom lip. She seems worried. “You know you can call me, right? You have my cell number so if things get bad you can call. That’s what I’m here for.”
“I know.”
“I have another assignment for you this week. We can stop with the journal for now, unless you really feel like writing something in it.”
“What do I have to do?” He asks and, for no reason because it’s just a god damn psychology exercise or some other stupid thing, he feels his chest constrict.
“And one decaf iced mocha coffee with one pump of chocolate,” Jared announces, walking toward Jensen and handing him the plastic cup.
Jensen smiles and takes a long sip. Despite the air conditioning of the mall, he’s hot and sweaty. His light tee-shirt is molded to his belly and he feels like he’s on display, which doesn’t help at all. He said he’d do it and he firmly intends to go through with it. It had taken him three days after his appointment to wrap his head around it and to talk to Jared, but here they are, at the mall, ready to find a baby store and buy at least a couple of items. His assignment.
Jensen hasn’t entered one baby store in seven years. Jared knows it’s a big deal for him, but at the same time, he’s getting impatient. The room is painted and ready to receive the furniture but that’s all. They haven’t bought one single baby item yet, not even a pair of pajamas, because Jensen always had a good excuse. They both know he’s afraid of getting completely involved in this, afraid it’s going to be taken away from him. Jared has been very understanding, but last night, as they'd been getting ready to go to bed and Jensen had told him what Genevieve Cortese wanted him to do, Jared had said something that had kept Jensen awake long after his husband had fallen asleep. “That's a good idea. I wish we could enjoy this pregnancy together just like any other couple.”
It hadn't been meant to hurt Jensen or to make him feel guilty, but it had been enough for him to consider how his own difficulties were affecting Jared. Sometimes, he just forgets to care, which is a horrible thing to think about, but true nevertheless. He’s so caught up in holding it together that Jared’s wants and needs don’t reach him.
Tossing his empty cup into a trash bin, Jensen makes an attempt to show some interest. “Where do you want to start? Furniture or baby clothes and stuff?”
“And stuff?” Jared asks, dragging Jensen along with him.
“You know, diapers, milk formula, baby soap, cream, wipes, pacifier…”
“Wow. I wish we'd bought one of those books with those lists you can check off.”
“We can do without.”
Jared smiles and presses Jensen’s hand harder. “I’m so glad we’re doing this. I know it isn’t easy for you, Jen.”
“I…”
He wants to say he’s sorry that they’re already heading toward August and that he hasn’t been able to do this sooner, but his throat swells and he realizes he can’t say anything at all.
“Hey, let’s start small. Couple of pajamas, maybe a rattle or two, a box of diapers. Just to get us going,” Jared adds quickly.
Jensen hates the concern in his husband's tone, knows it’s his damn fault. He tries to compose himself to be able to enjoy the experience. “Alright.”
It’s easier than he thought it would be. Jared kind of goes crazy over the newborn section, awww-ing in front of every single pair of pajamas, hat or blanket. In the end, Jensen has to be the reasonable one, a role he’s comfortable with. It’s part of their normal dynamic as a couple.
“Four,” he says in front of the newborn pajamas.
“It’s not enough,” Jared counters, running his fingers over the soft material of a very pink pair of pajamas.
“First of all, people are going to give us some stuff. Second, the newborn size won’t fit the baby for long. Some kids can barely wear them at all.”
“Okay, four, but can we buy a couple of the other sizes too?”
“Yeah.”
There is a serious debate about pink not being the only color fitting for a baby girl, an argument they'd already had when choosing the color of the nursery. In the end, it’s kind of fun. As their shopping progresses, Jensen’s nervousness fades away and he’s relieved to realize he can do this without thinking about all those times Steve and he had done the same. It’s different with Jared, who’s just as excited as a little kid. Different in a good way. When they finally get out of the store, they're both carrying a large, full bag. They smile at each other. Suddenly the tension that always seems to hover over them is completely gone and, when Jared starts talking about baby names in the car, Jensen doesn’t feel any nervousness or anxiety. None at all.
“I've thought about it,” Jared says, drumming on the steering wheel with his fingers. “Have you?”
“Not really. Got any ideas?”
“Tons of ideas you probably won’t like.”
“Come on, Jay.”
“Rose, for my grandmother, or Morgan, or Audrey, or Ava or-“
“Whoa. You've thought about this a lot.”
“Well… yeah. She’s gotta have a name, right?”
Jensen nods slowly. He knows where Audrey and Ava come from; Jared and he are both fans of old classic movies and the great actresses of that time. Morgan seems to have come out of nowhere, though it’s a name that’s been getting more and more popular over the last couple of years. He’s about to give his opinion - he does like Ava, the others, not so much, when Jared cuts in, “How did you guys decided on Jenna?”
It shouldn’t hurt so much to think about, except it does.
“Steve liked it because it sounded a bit like my name… And he had a friend when he was young who was called Jenna.” Gosh, he sounds like he’s whining, voice barely audible and shaking. “I like Ava,” he adds, trying to get himself under control.
“Really?”
“Yeah, really. And huh… Willow. That's my pick. Willow.”
“Willow like the dwarf from that movie?” Jared sounds dumbstruck.
“Willow like the tree, dumbass.”
“No way.”
And just like that, the memory of Steve carefully writing their daughter’s name on the first page of a brand new baby book doesn’t hurt so much anymore. Jared and Jensen fight, in a friendly way, over the name of the baby until they reach home. It’s been a good day, Jensen thinks. If only it was always that easy to work through his anxiety.
That night, the nightmare comes. This time, though, the name written on the tombstone is perfectly visible: Ava Willow Ackles.
During breakfast, when Jared wants to pick up their conversation where they'd left off yesterday and make a list of girl names they both like, Jensen pretends he has a headache and does his best not to throw up right there in the kitchen, a fresh wave of panic overcoming him so suddenly it’s almost unbearable.
He knows Jared doesn’t buy the headache thing, but he doesn’t allow himself to think about it at all. He has to be at work at eight this morning to pick up his equipment. Felicia has assigned him a home photo session for a newborn, thinking he would enjoy it.
He will. He’s a professional.
The couple is charming, especially the proud mother, Alicia. She presents her three weeks old daughter to Jensen, smiling brightly. The baby is peacefully asleep in a nest of blankets, her features delicate, perfect, the few dark hairs she possesses curling on the top of her head.
“Oh gosh, would you look at that,” Jensen can’t help the tremor in his voice. One of his hands reaches of its own accord to rest on his stomach.
“This is Theodora. Teddy,” Alicia says, her eyes lowering to Jensen’s middle, following his hand.
Jensen can see she hesitates to say anything. Male pregnancies aren’t that common and it can be a little delicate to ask the obvious question.
Maybe it’s because of the baby girl, that feeling that gets to him, making him all warm and mellow inside, but this time, he doesn’t mind. “Yeah, I’m pregnant, if that’s what you were wondering.”
Alicia smiles even wider. “Wow! Congratulations. Will it be your first?”
“Yeah.”
The husband arrives in the living room and shakes Jensen’s hand.
“Luke, he’s going to have a baby,” his wife tells him.
“Oh. Um. Congratulations.”
Awkwardness is a common reaction from men. Jensen is used to it so he doesn’t mind the grimace that passes for a smile on the man’s face.
“So, do you guys have any idea of how you want to do this?” He changes the subject, trying to look at ease with the whole thing.
The couple is luckily more than willing to follow Jensen’s suggestions. There is no giant bow added to the baby’s head, like parents sometimes feel they need to do to point out that yes, it’s a girl. The same goes for an improbable satin dress with so many flounces the baby looks like she’s drowning in it. Teddy stays in her light yellow pj’s and is settled on a soft brown blanket on her parent’s bed. She’s a small, quiet bundle, staying asleep no matter what Jensen does, only pouting from time to time. As the session goes on, the same idea keeps popping up in Jensen’s mind. This, I will have this. Finally. My baby will be born healthy and Jared and I are going to be crazy about her and I’ll take so many pictures and spend hours cradling her and rocking her and watching her sleep and… It goes on and on like that and Jensen has to restrain himself from rubbing at his belly.
“Okay, I want to get a closer shot and then we’re done.”
It happens when he looks through the close-up lens at little Teddy’s sleepy, angelic face. But… Wait. Oh god, he thinks in panic, oh god she isn’t sleeping. We all thought she was sleeping but she isn't breathing. She isn't….
Through the lens, the baby’s skin is a dull grey, her face froze in a grimace of death. A sudden smell fills the air, the stink of raw meat left for too long on the kitchen counter.
Jensen’s breath stays stuck in his chest, his stomach rebels so violently it actually hurts. He drops the camera, its weight straining the strap around his neck.
“Are you okay?” Alicia asks.
He can’t say anything. The panic is a galloping, crazy horse running through his mind.
Theodora yawns and snuffles. She’s very much alive, her skin a healthy pink, her lips red and shiny.
“I’m…” Jensen croaks, wiping at his forehead where a film of cold sweat has formed. “Yeah, I’m fine, just a dizzy spell.”
“You sure?” Alicia takes his arm, looking seriously worried. “You’re awfully pale.”
Luke is already taking his little girl in his arms, acting like a pregnant man can’t be trusted around an infant. Jensen doesn’t care. He has to get out of there, has to get out now. He tries to smile, even though it hurts. Literally.
“You know how it is,” he gives Alicia a confidential look. “Another joy of pregnancy.” He rolls his eyes for good measure. “Anyway, we have more than enough as it is.”
To his relief, she immediately starts in with a story of her own little aches and pains from when she was pregnant with Teddy.
“What? Why? Did something happen?” Felicia looks worried, not about the photo session and the clients, but about Jensen. It’s hard, lying to his best friend. Jensen tries to look casual as he transfers the photos on his computer. It’s noon. Felicia and he are alone in the studio.
“I just… I’m tired, okay? This morning, I wasn’t at my best. The session went well, but I had trouble keeping the rhythm.”
Felicia looks at him in silence, twirling a long red strand of hair around her finger. “I can manage here on my own. You know I can. But it’s so sudden, Jen.”
“I know, and I’m sorry, babe.”
She smiles a little. “Don’t call me babe.”
“Awww, you like it.”
“Maybe.”
The young woman drags a chair from her own desk and sits next to him. He tries not to react negatively, but the idea of her touching him is almost unbearable. He doesn’t know why. Felicia is a touchy kind of person. He's never had a problem with it before.
“It’s like we’re not as close as we used to be,” Felicia says almost softly. “I know, you’re going through stuff and you’re gonna be a dad, but still… I’m worried about you.”
She’s right, Jensen can’t deny it. He was supposed to tell her about his first pregnancy and how it all went down. He'd told Jared he would. He'd tried.
Maybe now would be a good time. Yeah, Jensen, this is the perfect time to tell her about your stillborn baby and how you just had a hallucination about another dead baby while on the job.
The thought makes him shiver.
“I can finish the week if you want,” he says instead, hoping she won’t force him into it. They'd just hired a college student to replace Jensen during his paternity leave and he knows Felicia can deal. The thought of what just happened repeating itself on the job makes him nauseous.
“No, I’ll manage. Just… promise me it’s only because you're tired, that nothing serious is going on with you.”
Is going crazy a serious issue? Jensen represses a horrified laugh and makes the effort to wrap his arm around his friend’s shoulder, kissing her on the cheek. “Right now, it is,” he lies, because it’s easier to lie than to face what had just happened to him. “But I've been wanting to tell you about something, so I’ll just go for it, okay?”
Felicia’s eyes open wide upon hearing the story of Jensen’s first pregnancy. He manages not to cry, telling himself he’s only reciting something that doesn’t have anything to do with him. What kind of mind state is he in if he finds comfort in talking about his daughter’s death rather than saying he just had a hallucination about a dead baby?
That night, Jared and he try to make love. Jensen lies, again, telling his husband that Felicia has decided to give him an extra month off by hiring someone early. Jared is happy about it, talks about how he wants Jensen to rest and enjoy his pregnancy.
Enjoying the pregnancy is something so alien to Jensen it barely makes sense. How can anyone enjoy a pregnancy when there is always the possibility of something going wrong - so many things can go wrong while innocently dreaming about a baby, buying pajamas and choosing a name, painting a room, showing off a swollen belly with pride.
Jensen’s been there.
He’s going down on Jared, settled between his legs, swallowing his cock. He usually enjoys the feeling of giving head, loves the way it gets Jared worked up so fast. It’s hard tonight though, because he keeps reliving the events at the Henry’s house, to what he saw through his camera.
At some point, Jared softly pulls him back. Jensen blinks at him, confused.
“You’re not enjoying yourself, babe,” Jared says softly.
It’s true. Jensen’s shaft is flaccid between his legs. He blushes so suddenly it burns. “Sorry Jay, I was-“
“Distracted?” Jared suggests with a little smile. “Hey, come here.”
He stretches out his arm and Jensen obeys passively, lying down next to his husband who pulls the comforter over the both of them.
“I could finish you off…” Jensen suggests, sneaking his hand under the sheets to find Jared’s cock.
Jared stops him. “Hey, it’s okay. You’re not in the mood, it’s no big deal.”
“Well, you know, hormones and shit…” Jensen babbles.
He wants to talk to Jared about what had happened, he wants to do it so bad it hurts, like a cold hand is twisting his heart, digging sharp fingernails into it. He’s scared of losing control, just like when he'd told him about Jenna, and then at the cemetery. Scared of losing control and not being able to get it back, crying until he’s nothing more than sorrow and self-pity.
He stays silent and lets Jared stroke his hair. There is a small flutter below his navel. It stops, then starts again, stronger this time.
“She’s moving,” he murmurs. “Maybe this time you can feel it.”
Jared’s eyes light up and he lets Jensen guide his hand to his stomach. There are three soft little pushes.
“Oh fuck!” Jared practically screams, jerking his hand back like he’s been burned.
Jensen laughs. “What?”
“I just… That was… really? That was our little girl moving, oh my god!” Jared babbles, putting his hand back. They wait in silence, Jensen holding his breath. The flutter starts again, peaking with what feels like a tiny kick.
“Ooooh…” Jared whispers. “That was… that was amazing.”
It was. Jensen is close to tears, seeing the joy on Jared’s face and wishing he could feel the same without anything ruining it.
Chapter three
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