Hush Second Trimester -Chapter 3
August 2nd is so cold and rainy it’s like autumn has decided to start early. Jensen and Jared’s appointment with Genevieve is scheduled at nine in the morning, which is a good thing, given how nervous Jensen is to have his husband come in with him this time. There isn’t only nervousness though, but also a strange sense of relief comes with it, because of what happened with the baby at the photo session. With Jared there with him, it’s easy to convince himself not to talk about it at all. Jared and he will have enough to say to fill the hour without Jensen bringing up the hallucination he'd suffered from.
His episode scares him so much he’d prefer to forget about it. Maybe it won’t happen again. Maybe he really was just tired and stressed by his work. Maybe other people experience similar stuff without them being crazy.
“You sure you don’t mind me going with you?” Jared asks in the waiting room, looking at him with concern.
“I won’t lie, I’m nervous about it, but Genevieve is the psychiatrist, not me. She must know what she’s doing.”
Jared nods slowly, as if he’s waiting for Jensen to add something. Then, he smiles, easy and warm. “Is our little girl moving this morning?”
Jensen lowers his eyes to his belly. His navel has started to jut out and is pressing on the cotton of his shirt like a button. “A little. Not sure you can feel her, though.”
It’s discreet, a small pressure all around his navel, plus this bubbly feeling. Jensen holds onto that to keep it together.
“Jensen?” Jared asks, and he’s not smiling anymore.
“What?”
“I… I don’t want us to fight in there, okay? I mean, you know me, when I start talking I can’t shut up and… if I say something stupid or out of place….”
Jared shrugs and doesn’t finish his sentence.
“Well, we-“
“Hey, guys,” Genevieve interrupts, opening her office door. “You can come in.”
After some nervous introductions and an awkward dance to get everyone seated, Jensen is taken aback by Jared’s immediate answer to the doctor’s first question, “So, how are you doing?”
“I’m worried about Jensen,” Jared blurts out quickly.
“What?” Jensen turns toward his husband, mouth open wide. He knows Jared worries about him, of course, but it sounds very strange to hear it like this, as if Jared has been holding back all this time.
Jared is not done, though. “Listen, Jen, there are some things I've been meaning to talk to you about, but I didn’t want us to fight again, or make you feel like I don’t get what you’re going through, so I thought waiting to speak about it here would-“
“What am I going through exactly?” Jensen asks harshly.
“Jared, Jensen,” Genevieve interrupts softly, but firmly. “Let’s not begin this session the wrong way, okay? Jared, maybe you should have told Jensen there were some things you wanted to discuss with me. And Jensen, I’m sure your husband doesn’t mean to hurt you.”
“I’m not hurt,” Jensen replies. “I’m just wondering why, since we spend our freaking days AND nights together, Jared feels the need to keep things from me and wait for-“
“I don’t keep anything from you!” Jared protests vehemently. “It's just… whenever I want to push you a little, you get so defensive it’s impossible to get through to you.”
“What do you mean by push me?” Jensen tries to stay calm, although fear and anger are building quickly inside him.
“Yes, what do you mean?” Genevieve asks.
Jared sighs, shakes his head to move his long bangs away from his face. “I don’t know how to do this. I don’t. And maybe I’m just plain stupid, but this pregnancy… I don’t feel like you’re enjoying it. At all. And I get it, Jen. I get how difficult it must be for you, but at the same time, it’s… we have a baby girl coming, a very real little girl, and you can’t act like nothing is going on.”
“Can you give me some specific examples?” Genevieve asks.
Jensen crosses his arms and huffs. “Yeah, you two go on. I’ll just wait silently like I’m not here at all.”
Genevieve bites her bottom lip and looks at him for a long time. He feels himself blush.
“Okay, clearly, you’re not at ease about what’s going on here, Jensen. I won’t force you into anything. This therapy is meant to help you. So… if you want us to stop right now and make another appointment, without Jared, it’s your choice.”
Damn right it’s my choice, Jensen thinks. He’s about to call the whole thing off, can’t wait to be alone in the car with Jared to tell him exactly what he’s thinking about this whole worried-about-you revelation thing.
Then he sees the way Jared is looking at him. There isn’t just worry in his husband’s soft eyes. There is love too, and concern, and maybe sadness.
Cliché, right? But at the same time, Jensen can’t ignore it. If he’s struggling to keep his head above the water, he has to admit that things aren’t any easier for Jared. Hell, some days, Jensen can’t even deal with himself, how does Jared do it?
Besides, what would come out of his decision to end this appointment, except more fighting? What would happen after the fight? Would anything be solved?
“I’m okay, I’m sorry,” he finally murmurs, pressing Jared’s hand quickly. “I’m… go ahead, Jay. This isn’t something that’s exclusively mine. We made this baby together.”
“I love you,” Jared answers, because he’s always prompt with those mellow love declarations. “I just don’t know how to make it better.”
“Do you think you need to make it better?” Genevieve asks.
“It’s like a dance, ya know?” Jared tells her, smiling sadly. “One step forward and one step backward. I feel like I have to impose things on him, to force him into every little thing we do to prepare for our baby’s birth. And then, I don’t know if it’s right to insist, and… like… like the nursery. He didn’t want to help me pick the colors or chose the furniture and, finally, I convinced him. But since I started working in the room, he hasn’t help, hasn’t even commented on the paint job. As a matter of fact, he hasn’t even stepped in the room.”
“It’s not like that,” Jensen can’t help but protest. “I was working and…”
And it’s bullshit, that's what it is. He tries to remember if he really has never entered the room since Jared started working on it.
He hasn’t. The realization is devastating.
“Jensen?” Genevieve asks softly.
“He’s right,” Jensen says, lowering his eyes. “I didn’t realize… But he’s right.”
“We went to the baby store to get started on clothes shopping and… you know, baby gear, because you asked him to do it,” Jared goes on. “Once we got there, it was okay, but since then, we haven’t done it again.”
“We have plenty of time,” Jensen says. “I’ve just started my paternity leave. I’m only twenty-three weeks along.”
“Almost six months. We’re more than halfway through the pregnancy. And… you don’t want to pick a name or talk about what’s going to happen after she’s born.”
“What’s to talk about?”
“Well, you know,” Jared sounds a little exasperated. “We lie in bed and I’m wondering what she will look like or how the dog will react to her. I mean, talking about the future - isn't that what parents-to-be do? Imagining themselves with a baby in their arms, talking about how amazing it will be, how…”
“Exciting,” Genevieve completes. “You must understand why that can be hard for Jensen.”
“I know it’s hard.”
“You can’t,” Jensen cuts in suddenly, surprised to hear himself say it. “I mean, you can try, but you can’t really understand. To… Okay, fuck, m’not gonna cry this morning. You know what I mean.”
“I don’t mind you crying,” Jared replies. “Anything is better than this.”
“Better than what?”
“Pretending like everything is okay when you’re not. You do cry, Jen, in your sleep, and then I wake you up and hold you tight and in the morning it’s like you don’t remember.”
Jensen stares at Jared, mouth wide open. “You just made that up.”
“No.”
“I don’t remember.”
A violent wave of anxiety rises suddenly. Jensen feels like a fish out of water, trying to breathe.
“It’s not something you have to worry about,” Genevieve intervenes, “You probably don’t wake up completely when it happens.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jensen snaps at Jared.
“Because I thought you were embarrassed about it. I thought you remembered and only pretended you didn’t.”
“Shit.”
“And then there are times when you’re not there, Jen. You just look into nothingness and sometimes you snap out of it when I say your name, but sometimes it kind of freaks me out, because it can go like… minutes at a time.”
“I tend to get lost in my thoughts.”
“You never did before.”
“Well, I tend to get lost in my thoughts when I’m pregnant,” Jensen spits.
“How often does this happen?” Genevieve asks.
“At least once a day.”
“You’re exaggerating, Jay.”
“No I'm not.”
“So what? That’s why you came here today? To tell my psychiatrist that I’m freaking crazy?”
“Hey, whoa… It’s… no, it’s not…”
“Yeah, yeah. You figured, I’ve been there before, hormones make me all the more likely to have another episode and-“
“Jensen, calm down,” Genevieve says in an authoritative voice.
Jensen stops mid-sentence. He’s been yelling. His throat hurts. His hands are shaking. What the hell is wrong with him?
“I… sorry.”
Jared reaches out to put his hand on his arm and leaves it there. Jensen doesn’t know if this reassures him or make him feel all the more alone.
“Okay, Jensen. You do remember why Dr. Collins sent you to see me in the first place, right?”
Jensen nods.
“Someone who has suffered from depression in the past is prone to experiencing it again. All the more so if we count in the reason for your depression.”
“I know,” Jensen murmurs.
“You said yourself that this is a disease, not a weakness. You’re right. This is brain chemistry, that’s all. True, it is influenced by the events of one’s life, but nobody here thinks you’re weak, or crazy. Got it?”
“I would never think that,” Jared adds with intent. “Please, tell me you know that.”
“I know,” Jensen answers easily while keeping his eyes lowered on his belly, where his daughter is doing those fluttering gymnastic moves. I’m sorry, baby, he thinks. I don’t deserve you. “I can’t enjoy this. I just can’t… It’s like, my brain has some kind of barrier that’ll lift up only when our baby’s born and… and alive. M’fucking scared all the time and I know I’m not in the best frame of mind. M’trying, though, trying so god damn hard.”
It’s easy, once he’s started talking. He manages not to cry, to keep a little control over himself. He can’t get recount the hallucination he’d had, nor talk about the recurring nightmare, but still, everything else just flows out of him. “I want it to be over,” he murmurs, feeling shame heat his cheeks. “Want it so bad to be over. Each day feels like a fucking week, and I can’t help but think about everything that could go wrong. I know it’s not logical, I know that. And I love this baby, I want her, but she’s still a dream, for me. Won’t be anything other than a dream until I hear her cry and know that she's healthy.”
Jared is swallowing his tears and although Jensen knows how damn pathetic he must sound, there is nothing he can do about it.
“I think we should start you on a light anti-depressant,” Genevieve says very slowly, observing Jensen intently.
“No.”
“Jensen, listen, this doesn’t have to be so hard for you. Now, with everything you and Jared have been saying, it’s evident therapy isn’t enough for you. There are a couple of antidepressant families that have been proven to be safe for a foetus. High levels of stress can be way more damaging to you and the baby.”
“Fuck, I didn’t want to revert back to this.”
“It’s not a failure. It’s… life. The thing with depression and anxiety is that when they make a comeback, it’s very sudden and acute. We don’t want that to happen.”
“It’s alright, Jen, if the medication doesn’t affect the baby I think you should do it,” Jared says, his face frank and open and without any trace of condescendence. “I think you should be able to relax and enjoy this a little. You’re tired, you’re out of your mind with worry. You don’t have to feel like this all the time.”
Jensen closes his eyes. He remembers all too well the day his parents took him to the hospital to have his first electroshock therapy. He'd been so deep in his head, so raw, everything hurting all the time, all he'd wanted was to die. God he doesn’t wanna feel like that ever again, wouldn’t wish it on his worst enemy.
“Okay.” He whispers. “I think maybe that's the best solution.”
They stop by the pharmacy to get the prescription filled right after their appointment. They don’t talk a lot. Jared apologizes, Jensen tells him he isn’t angry - it’s true, he isn’t - and that’s it.
He just feels so tired suddenly, so heavy. He wishes summer would be over already. Wishes it would be cold outside, cold and raining, a freaking tempest to reflect how he feels inside.
The day after, Jensen is watching some stupid show on TV, Mr. Mitten asleep next to him, Storm resting at his feet. It’s very sunny outside, almost obscenely so, but Jensen has closed all the curtains.
Jared brings him one pill with a glass of water. Jensen takes it without a word. At his feet, Storm lets out a long sigh.
“Remember what the pharmacist said," Jared feels the need to repeat. “You won’t feel the full benefit of the drug for three to four weeks, but you could gradually start feeling better in a week.”
“I know. Been there, done that.”
Jared sighs as loudly as his dog did.
“Do you want to go out? We could get dinner somewhere.”
“No I… Sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“You… I’d prefer if we didn’t tell anybody about this.”
“F’course.”
“Not even Daneel. I know she’s your confident, Jared, and that you might need it, but…”
Jared kisses him on the cheek. Mr. Mitten growls and lazily leaps off the couch. “I understand.”
“Wish things would be different,” Jensen murmurs, staring at the TV. “Wish you didn’t have to put up with this.”
“Stop saying that,” Jared cuts him off because yes, Jensen may have repeated it a couple of times since yesterday. “I just want you to be okay. You and the baby.”
“I know she’s going to be alright. On a purely intellectual level, I know. You gotta understand.”
“I do.”
Jensen smiles sadly at Jared’s empathy. “Bet you regret this whole wedded for life deal now, don’t you?”
“Fuck. Don’t say stuff like that. Never.”
Jared is almost angry, and when he bends over into his space, Jensen’s a little scared he went too far on the self-loathing, but no, of course Jared wouldn’t hurt him. He lifts Jensen’s tee over his round belly and kisses it softly, just below the navel. Jensen shivers.
“I want you, all of you, all the time,” Jared whispers against his stomach. He kisses it again and deep inside Jensen’s belly, their daughter moves softly, like she doesn’t want to bother them too much in this intimate moment.
Jensen moans because everything… everything just feels too much. His cheeks are wet and yeah, fuck, here he is, crying again. He wants to apologize because he’s a wuss, he’s not himself and wants so much for things to get better, if only for his husband’s sake. But then Jared is kissing him on the lips, sliding his tongue almost shyly between them. A wave of heat rises from deep down inside Jensen’s middle. He feels his nipples peak, brushing against the crumpled cotton of his t-shirt. His cock is quickly filling with blood. It’s been more than a month since they've done anything. It’s a relief, for Jensen, to realize he's missed it, and that he still wants it, so much. This is a part of himself that he recognizes, that Jared fell in love with.
He presses his hips up against Jared’s thighs. The kiss grows more intense, desperate, Jensen’s lips prickling with need and lust. If only he could stop crying, but then Jared is chasing Storm away with a simple command and is laying over him on the couch, somehow has pulled off Jensen's tee without him realizing it. He gives up any form of control and moans loudly when Jared tugs on his pants and briefs.
His nakedness doesn’t provoke the now familiar awkwardness of seeing his body with all its changes, not only the belly, but the rounder shapes, the darker color of his nipples, the paleness of the few body hairs leading to his pubis. Not now, he needs too much. Jared is getting naked as well, quickly, without ever turning his eyes away from him.
“Look at you. So fucking gorgeous,” Jared rasps. “This,” he caresses Jensen’s belly with both hands. “This is because of me, you can’t believe how hard it’s hitting me. Sometimes I feel like a fucking caveman. Want to protect you, and her, even from yourself.”
Jensen feels his dick twitch violently. Even his hole is leaking a little. He wants to see himself the way he appears in Jared’s eyes right now: someone without the flaws and the shame Jensen feels constantly.
They’re in too much of a hurry to do anything other than rut against each other, the hot skin of their cocks brushing one against the other. Jensen is gone, shivering constantly, cheeks wet, mouth open on a silent, never-ending cry. He feels his orgasm building fast until even the muscles of his stomach are contracting, then his uterus. He holds on to Jared, digging into his back with his nails, and jerks his hips upward one last time as hard as he can.
He comes so hard he lets out a hoarse, surprised scream and scratches Jared’s back in the process. He wishes everything that’s wrong with him could be expelled as easily as the semen escaping his body in long spurts. Jared groans and buries his face in Jensen’s neck when he comes. He does this every time and, each time, it triggers a sense of protectiveness and fierce love in Jensen’s heart, knowing that he’s the one Jared is giving everything to and whom he takes everything from at the same time.
Minutes passes. Jared is stroking Jensen’s belly, chest, arms, hair. “Stop crying, Jen. We’re okay.”
If only.
It’s been a week and Jensen doesn’t see any improvement in his mood. He tries to stay focused on the fact that anti-depressants take a long time before the effects can be felt, but the nervousness and constant anxiety seem to be worsening. He puts up the best façade he can, even goes to the mall with Jared to pick out some furniture for the nursery. It’s not hard per se, but it’s as if Jensen’s not really there. He's outside of his body, looking at everything with a cold detachment. This, this is new, and he knows it’s not an improvement.
He has to cancel his weekly appointment with his psychiatrist. His sister Mackenzie is back from Africa and spending the week at their parent’s. Josh and his wife have come all the way from Florida and their mother is hosting a barbecue for extended family members and neighbors.
“We don’t have to go, if you’re not up for it,” Jared tells him.
“No, we do have to go. You know we do.”
Jensen braces himself and doesn’t sleep at all the night before. He’s surprised, though, to find himself in the same state he'd been in when shopping for furniture as they arrive at his parent’s. There are a lot of people, everybody congratulates them. His belly is touched and admired again and again. Mac won’t leave him alone for a minute. Jensen smiles and jokes and takes as much pictures as asked, but he can’t feel anything. He doesn’t feel scared that his parents will make comments about his fragile state of mind or his first pregnancy. He doesn’t feel happy to see his sister or to see Josh. He knows he should be, but once again, he’s just like an observer, a puppeteer controlling the way his body and mind are supposed to react.
It’s scary. The fear is there. It’s just a word though, it doesn’t mean anything anymore.
On the way back home, Jared asks him if he’s okay.
“Yeah, of course, why?”
“I don’t know… You seemed different. Cheerful and happy and content.”
Jensen laughs. It’s not funny, though. “Well, thank you. So, I’m usually sad and moody.”
“Fuck, you know what I mean.”
“I was happy to see Josh, to see Mac. Happy that they were both happy for us. Is there anything wrong with that?”
Jared sighs. He looks tired, older than usual. The street lights cast strange shadows on his face. “No, nothing is wrong. Nothing at all.”
“Good.”
Three days later, they have an appointment with Dr. Collins. Everything seems good. Jensen hasn’t put on a lot of weight but still, the baby is growing nicely and everything is within normal parameters. Jensen smiles and almost feels it. When asked if the antidepressants have started working, he lies.
Just before they leave, the doctor tells them that they’ll discuss the birth and the options that come with it when he sees them next month. Jensen nods, ignoring the flash of pain in his mind as he’s brought back to the delivery room the day he gave birth to Jenna.
He can’t eat anything at all that day.
Luckily, Jared doesn't notice it because he has a meeting at school for the whole afternoon and is supposed to grab dinner with some colleagues afterward. The school year is starting in two weeks. Jensen doesn’t know how he feels about spending his days alone.
Meanwhile, he’s happy to just lie on the couch, a blanket covering him, and watch TV. He dozes off and on, tries to keep his mind empty. At some point, he realizes he’s crying. Again. He lets it out. He’s alone. He doesn’t have to pretend. Storm whines next to him until he sends her away. The baby is quiet today.
She’s dead, he thinks, and this time, there is no logical voice to reply to it, to tell him to keep it together and stop thinking the worst.
When Jared comes home, he has already moved from the couch to the bed. He pretends to be asleep already. He doesn’t want to talk, doesn’t want Jared to speak to him with a too soft voice and ask if he’s okay, damn it. He thinks he’ll go crazy for real if his husband says those words one more time.
Like you aren’t crazy already.
Again, his mind silently accepts this accusation.
::: :::
Hurts so much, so damn much. The epidural is only working on his left side. Happens sometimes, the anesthesiologist had said. He feels the pressure, the burn, deep down, and he’s so out of it, so exhausted, he’s lost any notion of time. It seems to him that he’s been in agony forever.
“Come on, Jensen, give me another push.”
That’s all he hears now. Push. Again. Breath, push. He tries, really, he does, but his body won’t cooperate anymore. All of his muscles are locked, shaking and burning. Steve is right next to him, but he might as well be in another dimension for all he's able to help. He’s yelling.
“…Bullshit, he’s been at it for hours. What’s wrong, what are your doing with these?”
“I can’t,” Jensen whines, “I can’t push anymore.”
Nobody pays any attention to him. A nurse is playing with his I.V. line, right next to him, but it’s like he hasn’t spoken at all.
“…Isn’t this dangerous?” Steve sounds panicked, which kind of brings Jensen back to the here and now. He tries to rise up on his elbows, but a hand keeps him on his back.
“You can’t move like that, not with the epidural, Mr. Ackles.”
“What’s going on?”
Steve turns his head toward him and brushes his hand through Jensen’s wet bangs. “It’s okay, Jensen. Our little girl just needs some help to get out. They’re going to use the forceps…”
“What? Is she stuck?”
“Everything is going to be alright, Jensen,” Dr. Kendall says.
“Please don’t hurt her.”
“Everything is going to be okay, I promise,” Steve adds.
And Jensen believes him…
…It’s raining. Hard. Each drop hurts, hitting his skin. It’s dark, it’s always dark. He’s searching the cemetery for the tombstone. He can’t be too far off.
A feeble cry is carried by the wind.
“Oh god no please, please,” he cries, running, then falling onto his knees in front of the small stone. “They said you were going to be alright,” he mumbles, digging into the wet ground with his hands. “How could he do this to you?”
Steve, the one who was supposed to love him, to take care of him, of Jenna. She’s alive, Jensen knows. They said everything would be okay, and now, they’ve buried her.
Jensen digs harder, quicker, as his daughter’s cries become more desperate.
“I hate him, I hate him, I HATE HIM!” He yells. “I’ll take care of you, baby, we don’t need him, right?”
“Jensen!”
His fingers hurt as he digs, pulling away lumps of soil and small rocks. He thinks he’s bleeding. He needs to get to her. She’s not dead. Can’t be. They told him she was dead but they lied. He never saw her. He was out of it and they got rid of her. “Love you, gonna take care of you,” Jensen presses his face on the dirt and repeats it, again and again, hoping it will get through to her.
“Oh god, Jen, stop it.”
He’s pulled back and fights. He slips on the ground, tries to free himself from the strong arms wrapped around him. Steve, must be Steve. He buried their baby girl alive and then left Jensen alone, drowning in his sorrow, choking on it. “You bastard!” He screams, hiccups. Rain is falling in his mouth and eyes.
“Jensen. It’s me, it’s Jared please, please stop it.”
Jared… Jared. Yeah, Jared’s a good guy. Jared is freaking huge, he could help him. “Help me,” he rasps, trying once again to free himself. “She’s still alive, god, help me, Jared, my little girl is buried under there!”
Jared doesn’t help him, though. He holds him tighter and whispers in his ear. His wet bangs are dripping on Jensen’s face and neck. “Jenna’s dead, Jensen. She’s been dead for seven years. We’re home. We’re home, babe, we’re in our backyard.”
“No, you don’t-“
“I’m so sorry, baby. There, feel it, you’re pregnant again, with my baby, remember?”
Jared takes one of Jensen’s hands and forces it down to his own belly. He feels it, underneath his wet tee-shirt, the firm swell of his stomach.
Oh god. What is he doing?
“Jay…” He whispers, voice hoarse from the screaming.
He cast a quick look around. Yeah. Their backyard. The rain has slowed down, but was it really that much more violent before? How could he think that was real?
Jenna’s dead. Never really was alive, except inside him.
Mental illness is like a snake, Jensen thinks, strangely detached. It creeps up on you and then suddenly swallows you down and there is nothing you can do. And he doesn’t want to face it anymore. He’s lost what’s left of his will, of his determination to make it through this.
He blinks at Jared, hears his whole world shatter inside his head, like glass being broken, and each shard lodges itself in his mind.
third trimester chapter one
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