Hush First Trimester -Chapter 2
Jared looks at his watch for the tenth time in the last ten minutes. Two twenty. Their appointment is in ten minutes and Jensen is still not here.
The waiting room is quiet. The only other people are a couple sitting in a corner and speaking quietly to each other. Seeing one of the men's protruding belly has somehow shocked Jared. Definitely not a beer belly. It’s round and firm and the man’s shirt is taut over it. Male pregnancies, although not as rare as they were fifty years ago, are still not very common.
Jared tries to picture Jensen with a baby bump, his athletic slim body getting thicker around the middle and his firm muscles getting softer. It’s difficult to imagine, but it’s endearing at the same time.
Jared looks at his watch again. Damn it, Jensen, he thinks, taking his cell phone out of his pocket. His husband is usually on time. Never early, but usually on time. Jared would have already tried calling him, but that morning, Jensen had been in an impatient, snappy mood, which seems to be his default setting since they'd heard the news. Jared had reminded him of the appointment twice and, the second time, Jensen had gotten mad. “Will you stop it? I’m not stupid, Jay, you don’t have to remind me every ten freaking minutes.
So. Yeah. Jared waits until there are five minutes left before their scheduled appointment and then he finally gives in and dials Jensen’s number. It takes three whole rings before he gets an answer.
“Fuck,” is what Jensen says as a salutation.
“What?”
“I forgot, still at the studio.”
“What the hell, Jen?” Jared tries to keep his voice low.
“Sorry, I was wrapped up in editing and… I’m going… See, walking out right now.”
“How could you forget?”
“I’ll be there in ten. It’s not that far.”
Then Jensen hangs up, leaving Jared dumbstruck and a little mad.
If this is the way his husband is going to behave during the pregnancy, Jared’s not sure he’s going to get through this. He just hopes Dr. Collins is running a little behind schedule.
Jensen is just entering the office, face beet red and short of breath, when his name is called. Jared frowns at him.
“I’m here, aren’t I?” Jensen replies.
“How could you-“
“Jay? Let’s not do this now.”
Dr. Collins is a wise looking guy in his mid-thirties with short black hair and bright blue eyes. He starts by asking a series of questions about Jensen's symptoms then takes a look at his blood test results, faxed over by the hospital.
“Yes, definitely pregnant,” he says. “This happens, Mr. Ackles. How old were you when you went through the bearer tests?”
“Nineteen.”
“Sometimes, after years of an absence of ovulation or functional cycle, it kick-starts for reasons still unknown to us. Some bearers prefer to take a light dosage contraception pill just to be on the safe side.”
“Oh,” Jensen murmurs, his face unreadable.
“So let’s say the ER doctor’s evaluation is correct and you’re about twelve weeks pregnant, that would put the due date at the beginning of December, but we’ll get more info after the ultrasound.”
The first part of the physical exam is less than enjoyable. Jensen’s uterus is palpable and at the correct height for a more or less three months' pregnancy and there is a swelling around his nipples that indicates the milk ducts have started to appear.
“That’s why they were so sensitive,” Jared says in awe, which earns him a death glare from Jensen.
“Most bearers don’t produce enough milk to go with breast feeding as an exclusive method, but a lot do well with a combination of breast milk and formula as a feeding option. You’ll have to make the decision whether you want to do that or not,” Dr. Collins says matter-of-factly. Then he adds, wincing, “Now I’m afraid we have to do the rectal exam.”
“Fuck,” Jensen says.
“I’m with you there,” the doctor says in sympathy.
Jensen is less than thrilled to have his feet in the stirrups and, when Jared offers to hold his hand, he looks at him as if he’s just declared his undying love for Hitler. It seems uncomfortable, but not too much and it’s over quickly enough. Male bearers have two different canals going from the anus: one for the intestines and one for the reproductive system. Because of this, the sphincter is a little larger than in non-bearer males, and it produces lubricating fluids. This renders the exam quicker and less painful. Everything looks great, according to Dr. Collins, which seems strange when “great” refers to a rectal exam.
Jared is nothing but a bundle of nerves by the time the doctor gets the ultrasound running and Jensen doesn’t seem much better. Usually, he is the calm one between the two, the mature one. He's got so much self-control Jared is sometimes a little jealous, so it’s more than unsettling to see him bite his lips and grab the exam table sheet with so much force. Jared’s not used to this, not used to the way Jensen has kind of avoided looking straight at him since Friday. Jensen is the kind of guy who looks you straight in the eyes, and his soulful green gaze makes you feel like you’re the only thing, the only person who matters to him.
“Let’s see the little one,” Dr. Collins smiles at the both of them while squirting some conducting gel on Jensen’s stomach.
Jensen hisses. “Cold.”
“Yeah, sorry. Okay, what do we have…”
It takes a couple of minutes before Jared can actually see anything on the screen. It’s fuzzy and moving and suddenly, there's this vague shape of a tiny human being with a giant head that looks like it’s sitting.
“Hey there,” Dr. Collins says.
Jared sits on the bench near the exam table, feeling as though he's on the verge of fainting. His heart is thundering in his chest, his ears are buzzing. There is a baby inside of Jensen. His baby.
“Oh my god,” he babbles.
Jensen is raised on his elbows, mouth wide open. “Shit,” he whispers in a trembling voice.
“Yeah, right?” Dr. Collins smiles widely. “Let me take some measurements”.
“Its head is supposed to be that big?” Jared asks almost shyly.
“Yep.”
“Okay.”
Dr. Collins works with the ultrasound computer and the wand for a little while, mumbling to himself. Then, he lets out a satisfied sigh.
“It’s definitely between ten and twelve weeks and it seems perfectly normal so far. Now, it’s too soon to find out the gender but let’s listen to the heartbeat, shall we?”
And amazingly, a small but perfectly shaped heart is enlarged on the screen, accompanied by a loud: thump-thump-thump-thump that reminds Jared of a galloping horse.
“Jen, that’s his heart,” he whispers, grabbing his husband’s hand.
“Yeah,” Jensen agrees, sounding breathless.
“I’m very satisfied with everything we’ve seen so far, let me check the placenta and then it’s a wrap, boys.”
“I just heard your baby’s heart,” Jared tells Jensen, smiling like crazy.
“I know, I was there,” Jensen deadpans, then gives a tiny, shy smile. It’s a smile nonetheless, and it reassures Jared. He’ll take what he can get.
“What…?” Dr. Collins says in a strained voice.
He freezes and enlarges the image on the screen. Jared can’t make out anything except some grey and white blotches.
“Mr. Ackles, you told me this was your first pregnancy.”
Jared freezes, mouth open wide on another comment about the foetus’ heart. He sees Jensen’s face turn white, except for two red spots under his eyes.
“I…”
“These are scars,” Dr. Collins says almost severely. You had to undergo surgery?”
“What?” Jared barks.
“Fuck,” is all Jensen seems to be able to get out. He lowers his tee-shirt and sits abruptly, pushing the sonogram wand away. “It’s…”
“Jensen, what is he talking about?”
“I need to know this stuff, it’s important,” the doctor adds.
Jensen is taking big gulps of air, his arms wrapped around his middle, his head bent down.
“Hey, whoa, it’s okay,” Dr. Collins says in a soothing voice. “It’s alright, Mr. Ackles.”
“Jensen? You’ve been pregnant before?” Jared asks at the same time because he doesn’t have the slightest idea what the doctor is talking about.
“I… can’t…” Jensen rasps, breathing even louder, deeper.
“Mr. Ackles? Jensen?” Dr. Collins puts both hands on Jensen’s shoulders. “Try to slow your breathing down. It’s just a panic attack, is all. Don’t worry, your uterus has healed well, you can have this baby without any complications.”
Jensen coughs a couple of times. Jared, still sitting on his bench, is unable to digest the information he has just received. He stares at his husband, Mr. calm and composed, having a freaking panic attack and wonders stupidly if it’s contagious because he feels close to a complete freak out himself.
“So… sorry,” Jensen hiccups, concentrating on his breathing. “I…”
“Okay, now listen to me,” the doctor says in the same soothing voice. “This is obviously an important issue for you and something you need to discuss with your husband. Mr. Padalecki, why don’t you go and make an appointment with my secretary for a few days from now? Then, we’ll talk about that first pregnancy.”
Jared stands up like an obedient child. He feels lifeless, like a puppet. Jensen is still panting, but it’s already less acute than a few seconds ago.
“Is that okay with you, Jensen?” Dr. Collins adds.
Jensen nods.
Jared barely has time to schedule another appointment before Jensen joins him, walking slowly, hands in his pockets and eyes fixed on his feet.
“Let’s go,” is all Jared can say. He doesn’t even know if he’s just confused, or angry, or concerned. Probably a little bit of all three.
They don’t talk to each other until they reach the parking lot.
“Come with me in my car. We’ll come back to get your car later,” Jared says.
“I can drive,” Jensen replies softly.
“No. You can’t. You just had a panic attack. Come on.”
Jared doesn’t like the coldness of his own voice. Jensen actually flinches, hearing it. He follows without a word and Jared kind of wants to apologize but he just can’t. This is too big.
The ride back home is silent. Jared gets out of the car and doesn’t even wait for Jensen. Storm is waiting in the lobby and she must sense something is wrong because she doesn’t even try to jump on Jared, just lies down and tucks her head between her paws.
Jared gets a glass of water and downs it in one large gulp. Hell, he doesn’t need water. He needs liquor… like, a lot of it.
He only realizes then that Jensen still hasn’t entered the house. Irritated, he goes back outside and sees his husband sitting in the car with his door open, both feet on the ground. Jensen is staring into nothingness.
“Jensen?”
Jensen doesn’t move, doesn’t even blink when Jared steps in front of him.
“Are you coming inside or what?”
“Yeah,” Jensen says very slowly, still not moving.
“Jen, come on, we need to talk.”
“I can’t. Talk about this,” Jensen smiles sadly at Jared and suddenly looks very young, innocent. There is something so deeply hurt and terrible hidden under this smile that Jared feels his anger leave him in an instant. His heart beats a little faster and something hurts inside him too. He crouches in front of Jensen.
“Hey. I’m not mad, okay? I just want to understand. We can do this at your pace, any way you want. Fuck, you’re scaring me Jen.”
“Sorry.”
“No. Stop. Just… come on, let’s get inside.”
Jared takes Jensen’s hand and helps him up. After tensing a little, he follows obediently into the house. It’s like the Jensen Jared knows has disappeared and it’s scary, it’s upsetting.
Jared sits Jensen on the living room couch and lays the blanket over his thighs. He doesn’t know what else to do, except wait.
“There’s a… there’s a small metal box in our bedroom closet. It’s in the old luggage where I keep the pics from my high school photography club. Can you get it?” Jensen asks, his voice distant, but somehow soft at the same time.
“Yeah.”
Jared finds it easily. He's sure he’s never seen it before, but that's not too surprising. He doesn’t know each and every item Jensen owns. They each have the right to their own secret garden, their private space.
Jared gives the box to Jensen and sits next him. His husband’s hands are shaking as they wrap around the old-looking box.
“I’m not sure I can go through with this, but I’ll try,” Jensen tells Jared, his eyes riveted on the wall opposite him. “You have every right to be fucking mad at me and I’m ready to deal with that afterwards, but in the meantime, you gotta let me try to explain without interrupting.”
“Yeah, okay.”
Jensen sighs and opens the box, taking a thin pile of photos out of it. He holds them tight, his knuckles white and fingers rigid.
“So, I lied,” Jensen smiles sadly, head cocked to the side, and how Jared wishes he would look at him, but doesn’t dare to ask, afraid to break the fragile quietness of the moment. “I lied about the reason I couldn’t get pregnant. As for the rest, it’s not so much a lie as an omission of the truth, ya know, which isn’t much better.”
He holds out the first photograph to Jared. It’s a portrait of Jensen, looking young, barely out of his teenage years, with this huge grin on his face, resting his head on the shoulder of another man. The guy he's with is gorgeous: semi-long blond hair, a wide bright smile and blue eyes. They seem happy, without a care in the world.
Jared feels a pinch of jealousy inside of him and tries to tamp it down.
“That’s Steve. Met him in college. I was twenty, he was twenty-three. We were like… crazy in love. Moved in together, made some plans, that kind of stuff.” Jensen says, voice still detached and distant.
He clears his throat and waits a couple of seconds, like he needs to compose himself. “I knew I had a working reproductive system, but when I got pregnant at twenty-three, it wasn’t exactly planned. Still, we were thrilled.”
The second photo is a sonogram image, one very similar to what Jared had seen today except the baby’s shape is more defined, even though the cheap printed image is fading. There’s a handwritten note on the white space bellow it. Jared recognizes Jensen’s regular, tiny hand-writing. “It’s a girl!!!”
“A little girl,” Jared murmurs. He doesn’t know yet what happened to the baby, but this story doesn’t have a happy ending for sure.
“Yeah.” Jensen’s voice almost breaks, but he swallows hard and straightens himself. When he speaks, it’s in a more assured tone. “We moved to a bigger apartment, got everything ready, painted the nursery in pink and, you know… bought all the stuff. We were ready. The pregnancy went on without a problem and it was two days before my due date when the labor started.”
The last photo of the pile is one obviously taken without Jensen’s knowledge. He’s half-sitting, half lying on the same leather couch they’re sitting on right now. He looks delicate and graceful, even with his large and swollen belly. His eyes are closed, long lashes against pale skin. It’s hard to recognize his fit, strong, confident husband in the younger man in this picture.
“You’re gorgeous,” Jared murmurs. He can’t help himself.
Jensen laughs without a hint of joy. He almost looks at Jared, almost, but then he lowers his eyes to the box.
“So, as you’ve probably figured out, everything went to hell during the delivery. It went on for twenty hours, and then the baby was in distress and they had to take her out with forceps. She wasn’t breathing. The umbilical cord was wrapped tight around her neck and even when they freed her it was too late. She never took a breath.”
“Oh god, Jensen, I-“
“M’not done yet,” Jensen cuts him off. His lower lip is shaking and a tear rolls down his left cheek. He doesn’t seem to realize it.
“Sorry.”
“So then I couldn’t push the placenta out and I was bleeding and they had to rush me into surgery. When they took me out, Steve was crying and there was this whole team trying to resuscitate the baby. And huh… I remember waking up afterwards and hoping, you know, that everything was fine, that Steve would be there waiting for me, smiling like a proud new dad with our baby girl in his arms, but he was empty handed, and still crying. Then I knew.”
Jensen hiccups suddenly and a sob rips through his throat. He clenches his jaw to try and keep it in, but the outburst is so violent he can’t do it and has to bend over himself, gulping air in as the tears start falling from his eyes. It’s an ugly, visceral noise that fills the air. Jared can’t decide if he should take Jensen in his arms or let him get it out. His husband never cries. He had shed a tear on their wedding day, as they were exchanging their vows, but that is the only occasion in Jared's memory.
Jared remembers one evening in particular. They had caught a documentary on TV about kids in India living in dumps. It had been almost unbearable to watch, really heartbreaking, and half an hour in, Jared had been bawling like a baby. Afterwards, he had turned to Jensen who’s eyes were still dry. “How can you not cry watching this?” He’d asked. “I never cry. I’m dead inside,” Jensen had deadpanned, making Jared smile and lightening the atmosphere.
It doesn’t seem funny at all right now.
“They… I…” Jensen wipes his eyes impatiently and tries to calm down without any results. “They told me I wouldn’t be able to get pregnant again because there was some damage done to the uterus. I kind of flipped out.”
Another crying fit shakes Jensen’s body and when Jared can’t help but try to rub his arm, Jensen softly pushes him away while giving him the metal box.
What’s left in there is a very small strand of soft looking light brown hair, tied with a ribbon. There is also a piece of paper with a tiny foot print in navy blue ink. Jenna Rae Carson-Ackles, it reads below it, this time definitely not in Jensen’s handwriting.
“The hospital, they do this sometimes with a stillborn, so that you can have some sort of closure, a souvenir or I don’t know. Must be some psychological bullshit.”
“I’m so, so sorry, baby.” Jared can’t even take the tiny lock of hair or the footprint in his hands, too afraid of damaging them somehow.
Jensen sniffs. He seems a little calmer, although he’s still crying. “Well, I got hit with acute postpartum depression and huh… I kind of went in a catatonic state for a couple of days. Came back to myself in the psychiatric ward. I was a mess. Tried to hang myself with the sheets of my bed, it was pathetic. Steve was… Hell, he was devastated, couldn’t really be there for me. He was the one they asked if he wanted to hold our dead daughter and then was told that his boyfriend was freaking catatonic. Anyway, I was dosed up on some powerful medication so I don’t really remember the next couple of weeks.”
“Oh, Jen.”
“Fuck, don’t Jen me,” Jensen tries to laugh it off, but it comes out as another choked-up sob. “It was over between Steve and I even though I didn’t figure that out until later. When I got permission to leave the hospital, he didn’t take me home, but to my parent’s. Jenna was already buried in the cemetery. I had missed it. Steve left me those… souvenirs, the hair and footprint. All my stuff was already packed and waiting for me. He… he said he couldn’t stand being in our apartment, with all the baby stuff. He had sub-rented it. Shit, can you get me a tissue or somethin’?”
Jared complies without a word, grabbing a tissue box and a glass of water for Jensen at the same time. He murmurs a raspy “Thanks” and drinks eagerly before wiping his face. He looks damaged in a way Jared would never have guessed his husband could be.
“That's kind of the end of the story, I guess. I stayed with my parents for a year. Postpartum depression is a bitch. My parents, they never got that it wasn’t a matter of will. Thought all I had to do was kick myself in the ass and move on, but I couldn’t.”
That explains a lot, Jared thinks. Jensen’s parents live in a small town not even half an hour away from Providence, but despite their physical closeness, Jensen doesn’t see them often. There’s an awkwardness Jared has always felt when they met, a distance. He knows Jensen is close to his siblings, though. Sadly, his older brother Joshua lives in Florida and his younger sister, Mackenzie, is somewhere in Africa helping to build a hospital. Despite this, not a week passes without them communicating one way or another.
“Steve kept calling me to ask how I was doing, but I was still in love with him and it was too hard for me so I asked him to stop.” Jensen goes on. “That’s it… Eventually, I got better, moved on with my life. Found that the only way I could function was to pretend like nothing had happened. Nothing at all. I stopped seeing my friends from before and found another job -that’s when Felicia hired me. Nobody knows, not even her, Jay. And… I know it’s not healthy, but it was my way of coping and eventually, the more I told myself I was okay, the more I really felt okay. It’s… I try to shove any thoughts about Steve and our little girl as deep as I can.”
“Jen,” Jared tries softly. “You must have known you wouldn’t be able to keep this from me forever.”
“Why not?” Jensen snaps back. “Why the hell not? I wasn’t supposed to be able to get pregnant again. What are the odds? When I met you, Jay, I felt alive, really alive, for the first time in years. I thought about telling you, but just imagining getting the words out hurt so damn much. You know the day of our wedding? Josh asked me if you knew, and I told him that if he ever tried to mention it in front of you I’d cut him off. It’s crazy, and it’s messed up, but I was so freaking scared that talking about it would bring back the depression. It’s hard to explain to someone who’s never suffered from it, but it’s so hard, so hard just to keep on going, even with the meds. It’s the worst thing that has ever happen to me and… I don’t ever want to feel like that again.”
“I would’ve helped. We’re a couple, Jensen. We… I mean, I love you and-“
“I love you too!” Jensen replies, tears pooling in his eyes all over again. “I love you so fucking much and now I’ve lost you and it’s… I can’t… I never wanted to hurt you, I’m a stupid, stupid man and…”
A sob cuts him off. Jared takes the metal box away, careful to replace the photos in it and to close it properly. Jensen tries to curl in on himself, hands on his face to staunch the tears, but he can’t. This time, Jared doesn’t even hesitate. He pulls his husband against his chest and hugs him tight. It hurts, seeing him in so much pain. All Jared wants is to take it away, to sooth it. He can’t be mad, or disappointed, or hurt that he never knew about this part of Jensen’s life. All he wants is to have him back.
Jensen tenses but eventually lets go, sobbing without restraint in Jared’s arms. Jared brushes his fingers through Jensen’s hair. He knows how much he likes it, how soothing it is for him.
“You didn’t lose me, baby, okay? Do you understand? We’ve got a lot of stuff to deal with, but I’m not going to leave you. Never,” Jared whispers, discovering as he speaks that he believes every single word he’s saying.
“I’m so sorry I fucked up. Sorry I… l-lied,” Jensen hiccups, grabbing Jared's shirt and holding it in a fist.
“We’ll figure this out, alright? We’ll figure this out together, Jen.”
Jared is crying as well, which isn’t that surprising. Tears always come easily for him and it’s heartbreaking, having Jensen break down in his arms, something he never thought could happen. He rubs soothing circles on Jensen's back with his free hand and waits for it to pass, kissing the top of his head, murmuring sweet nothings. Eventually, Jensen’s sobs become less violent, his breathing evens out. Jared’s shirt, where his husband’s face is pressed, is warm and wet. He doesn’t stop speaking to him until Jensen's tears taper off.
Then the living room is silent, except for Jensen’s occasional hiccups. Jared pulls away a little and takes Jensen's face between his hands. He’s a mess, eyes swollen to the point of being almost shut, skin red and damp. Jensen tries not to look at him through his clumped eyelashes, but Jared insists and finally, his swollen, painful green eyes locked into his own.
“No more talking right now. I’m not mad and you need to rest.”
“M’freaking terrified of this new pregnancy.” Jensen’s voice is broken and harsh.
“Well, let’s take it one step at a time. When we go back to see doctor Collins we’ll talk about this.”
“I don’t want to go through that again. I mean… I can’t lose another baby. I can’t, Jay.”
“You won’t. Now stop thinking so hard. I want you to lie down and sleep a little.”
Jensen nods but doesn’t make a move to stand up, only gets with the program when Jared takes his hand and guides him to their bedroom. He lowers the blanket and sheets while Jensen undresses until he's down to his boxer briefs. For the first time, Jared allows himself to look at his belly. He doesn’t see much change. Jensen’s abs are usually flat and firm -not defined like Jared’s because he’s not obsessed by working out and running - but still, he likes to be in good shape.
Maybe his stomach looks softer, a little less firm than usual. Or maybe Jared is imagining the whole thing.
“Come on,” he says, patting the mattress like his mom used to do to him. “Up.”
Jensen nods and lies on his side, knees bent, his hands tucked between his thighs. Jared has rarely seen him take this position. Jensen likes to be on his belly, arms stretched out, taking up as much space as he can.
Jared pulls the covers up.
“You aren't gonna lie down with me?” Jensen slurs, his eyelids already drooping.
“I’ll join you later.”
“A’right.”
When he’s sure Jensen is well on his way to an exhausted sleep, Jared locks himself in the bathroom and has his own little freakout.
What now? He asks himself silently, staring at his reflection in the mirror.
What now?
Chapter Three
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