disgusted

[estherchaya]

I just read something on an online foster/adoption forum that just pisses me off. I do so hope I'm interpreting it the wrong way.
We have adopted three Jewish children (identical twins and a single) all with special needs. They are our "virtual triplets" as they are all 3 years old now. (Ironically, the children were all IVF pregnancies, by the

Comments

[either_or]

i think you're reading it correctly. that sucks.

all i can think of, in defense of the biological parents, is that maybe they're "older parents" (which might explain the need for IVF) and they didn't think they would live long enough to care for their children (some special needs people need care their whole lives).

i think though, if i were in that situation, i would just make sure that other people in my family (my younger sisters, for example) were willing and able to help me out.

[cellio]

Suppose you didn't have younger relatives. Or suppose your relatives were SOBs who said "your kid, your problem"? Or suppose there were already family members (kids or adults) who had special needs and were sucking up all available resources?

I'm not saying that people never do things for selfish reasons; I'm just not willing to assume that it's always that way.

uh...

[either_or]

i never said that these people were selfish, or even that they did this for selfish reasons.

if anything, and if this was the case (who really knows?), it shows that they were at least looking ahead to the future.

Re: uh...

[cellio]

I'm sorry; I wasn't trying to put words into your mouth.

if anything, and if this was the case (who really knows?), it shows that they were at least looking ahead to the future.

I agree -- sometimes what is best for the child is heart-breaking for the parent.

[jeannegrrl]

*shakes head* that's just not right... but at least they didn't choose to abort.... :-(

[eyelid]

I've chosen to abort.

[jeannegrrl]

And that was certainly your choice to make.

My comment was inspired by my agreement/understanding of the frustration expressed with this statement:

You go through all that trouble to have a baby. You spend ALL that money to have a baby. You dedicate yourself to the rollercoaster that is fertility treatment. For what? To say, "Oh, I'm sorry, that baby isn't good enough, please take her away" in the end????

[cellio]

I'm sure that some people turn over handicapped kids for adoption because they're selfish, but I also know that some do it with great sadness because they have exhausted their own resources (financial, emotional, family) in trying to care for the child. Being forced into that is especially upsetting for parents who worked so hard to have a child in the first place, I would think.

Or are you seeing enough of this sort of thing to believe otherwise? I wouldn't generalize too much from these two data points.

[cecerose]

Yes, that's disgusting. No two ways about it. I don't know what some people are thinking when they make these kind of choices.

[eyelid]

To be honest I am not certain that I would want to keep a special needs child. I think it would be better if I gave it up, for all concerned.

I think it's weird to consider that "selfishness." It's better to keep and raise a child you don't want? What kind of freak world is that?

I don't think having gone through IVF makes a difference when you're talking about whether or not to keep a special needs child. But then I've never gone through it.

[ginamariewade]

Evidently, you've never heard of infanticide and infant exposure.
That's how people dealt with "special needs" infants for generations.

[eyelid]

Give it up to what? Endless foster homes?
I'd give it up for adoption, not fostering.

People have been learning to live with and love children that did not arrive according to our exact plans and specifications for generations now. So that would be the "freak world" that most of us are living in.

...piously says the woman who has absolutely NO special needs children. It's easy to tell others what they should do when you'll never have to do it, isn't it?

Nothing amuses me more than the easy manner with which every body settles the abundance of those who have a great deal less than themselves.