Comments | ermenrich: Huh...

ermenrich

Huh...

Nov 27, 2010 22:15

An interior light inside the car was left on, so it was dead when I went out to go to work. A woman in her 20s pulls up near by. It is night, but we are in a well lit parking lot surrounded by apartments. I am clean shaven, wearing nice clothing next to my car. I approach her as she is getting stuff out of the back seat ( Read more... )

Comments 15

baronnemelisend November 28 2010, 04:00:48 UTC

Sorry hon, but if more women were trained to be wary, there'd be less horror stories in the morning's news. I can't fault her for her behavior.

elasait November 28 2010, 21:14:09 UTC

I'm afraid I have to agree with Melisende...no matter how nice-looking, if a man I didn't know approached me at night in a parking lot for help, I'd get in my car and lock it too. I might offer (from inside the car) to call AAA for him on my cell phone.

Women have to be *much* more cautious than men, and men (somewhat understandably) don't get this. I remember when we moved to St. Louis and I didn't want Erich to do something or other in what was then a really bad neighborhood; he objected to "putting restrictions on his behavior", as he put it, and I told him "Welcome to my world."

ermenrich November 28 2010, 23:01:57 UTC

This attitude is definitely new to me. I know that "bad things" can happen, but I have never lived somewhere that it was a threat in my own parking lot. What really irked me was the look. She did not look cautious. She looked scared. The type of scared that would come if I was about to break the windows and come in after her. It was pure terror etched on her face. Maybe that sounds too dramatic, but it was the look she gave. If she had just declined and went speedily to her apartment, I would have found it odd, but I would have gotten the caution. This just seemed too much.

Furthermore jumping a car battery does not require her to leave her car. All I needed was a popped hood and about 15 seconds of juice. Perhaps this did not occur to her. *shrug*

You are right, as a guy I don't have this fear pounded into me.

elasait November 29 2010, 02:24:36 UTC

They say that anywhere from 20% to 33% of women have been victims of sexual assault. Now, there are lies, damn lies, and statistics, and I've been a little suspicious of this kind of statistic ever since I read something that revealed that the particular statistic I was reading interpreted "abuse" as including things like yelling at someone or slamming the door *during an argument*. Um, hello, who hasn't done that at some point in a relationship? But you don't know this woman's background. It's possible she was raped by a nice-looking, cleancut stranger who asked for help in a parking lot. You can't be sure ( ... )

maiabee8 November 29 2010, 03:39:43 UTC

If you had meant her harm then running into her house might have resulted in her death.

I have been in situations where, to this day, I truly believe that getting into my car, locking the doors and driving off saved my life or at very least my continued sanity.

maiabee8 November 29 2010, 03:48:51 UTC

I feel about this the same way as I feel about your stance on abortion. It is reality. If you do not like this reality, work to change it.

If I didn't know you then I would totally, easily, assume that if you came up to me in a parking lot asking for help that you meant to harm me. Not because you look shady or anything but because I have lived my entire life being told/shown that a strange man is a threat to my safety. Now, statistically speaking, you're more likely to harm me as someone I know and trust, but none the less, that harm is harm I am statistically speaking likely to walk away from...

Elasait mentioned the statistic about sexual assault and if I think about my female friends who I am close to, close enough that they might conceivably tell me about assault they may have experienced, it's about 1 in 4 which is the oft cited number.

ermenrich November 29 2010, 21:26:52 UTC

How do I work to change the stereotype? I, unfortunately, cannot change the statistics on sexual assault. I can speak out against it (did that as a teacher) and I can choose not to be abusive (I would like to think that is a big checkmark in my column). I guess I feel like this is not fair. Yes, I realize that might be one sided. She did have her safety to think about, but couldn't my neighbor (an immigrant from the Middle East) have been just as wary? The possibility I could have done violence to him is, I believe, equally high. Yet he chose to help me, though we had never met previously. How was he to know that I did not think all middle easterners were satanist wearing towel heads? How did he know that I would not see him as being similar to the people that try to kill my brother on a regular basis ( ... )

baronnemelisend November 30 2010, 04:41:41 UTC

Hon? Let me put it down where the goats can get it: To a woman, YOU ARE SOMETHING TO BE DEATHLY AFRAID OF BECAUSE YOU CARRY A Y CHROMOSOME.

Let me repeat that:

YOU ARE SOMETHING TO BE DEATHLY AFRAID OF BECAUSE YOU CARRY A Y CHROMOSOME.

So--how can you change the stereotype? You educate yourself and, very importantly

YOU CALL OTHER MEN TO ACCOUNT FOR THEIR BEHAVIOR.

ermenrich November 30 2010, 13:10:35 UTC

I feel somewhat offended by that. I know it was not meant to be but:

1) I cannot change that Y chromosome (nor would I want to). I don't like being feared for something that I cannot change and is not inherently dangerous.
2) Why would I not hold men accountable for their actions? I would never tolerate that behavior from a man, or a woman for that matter. As a teacher I had to report what I suspected was abuse on a couple of occasions. I would hope that the example I set for my younger siblings also instills this accountability.

But I think I have a way fixing things.... details forthcoming perhaps.

Thread 9

(The comment has been removed)

Re: We have not actually met.... baronnemelisend November 30 2010, 22:02:21 UTC

I was assaulted when I was 18 and I shared an umbrella with someone.

Re: We have not actually met.... elasait November 30 2010, 23:09:27 UTC

And I didn't think of it as sexual assault at the time (in fact I counted myself lucky that the guy was "decent" enough to take me home when I didn't want what he was offering), but when I was that age I fell into what could have been a *horrible* situation just by talking to someone I ran into on campus. It ended with kissing and fondling, thankfully, but it certainly served to make me *much* more cautious.