Huh...

[ermenrich]

An interior light inside the car was left on, so it was dead when I went out to go to work.  A woman in her 20s pulls up near by.  It is night, but we are in a well lit parking lot surrounded by apartments.  I am clean shaven, wearing nice clothing next to my car.  I approach her as she is getting stuff out of the back seat

Comments

[ermenrich]

How do I work to change the stereotype? I, unfortunately, cannot change the statistics on sexual assault. I can speak out against it (did that as a teacher) and I can choose not to be abusive (I would like to think that is a big checkmark in my column). I guess I feel like this is not fair. Yes, I realize that might be one sided. She did have her safety to think about, but couldn't my neighbor (an immigrant from the Middle East) have been just as wary? The possibility I could have done violence to him is, I believe, equally high. Yet he chose to help me, though we had never met previously. How was he to know that I did not think all middle easterners were satanist wearing towel heads? How did he know that I would not see him as being similar to the people that try to kill my brother on a regular basis?

And once again it all comes down to that look. I cannot shake it. Maybe something happened in this woman's life. I don't know. But that look bothered me. It was as if I was something to be deathly afraid of just because I possess a Y chromosome. I never want someone to think that way of me. I know what it is like to fear people and avoid being around them. I don't want to be like them and hate the fact that someone (justified in her fear or not) thought I was a bad person.

While I have only worked with one woman who was abused, I have family that work with abused women on a regular basis. I know that it is a reality, but I never thought that I would be someone who would strike terror into a woman by just simply existing in the same time and place as her.

[baronnemelisend]

Hon? Let me put it down where the goats can get it: To a woman, YOU ARE SOMETHING TO BE DEATHLY AFRAID OF BECAUSE YOU CARRY A Y CHROMOSOME.

Let me repeat that:

YOU ARE SOMETHING TO BE DEATHLY AFRAID OF BECAUSE YOU CARRY A Y CHROMOSOME.

So--how can you change the stereotype? You educate yourself and, very importantly

YOU CALL OTHER MEN TO ACCOUNT FOR THEIR BEHAVIOR.

[ermenrich]

I feel somewhat offended by that. I know it was not meant to be but:

1) I cannot change that Y chromosome (nor would I want to). I don't like being feared for something that I cannot change and is not inherently dangerous.
2) Why would I not hold men accountable for their actions? I would never tolerate that behavior from a man, or a woman for that matter. As a teacher I had to report what I suspected was abuse on a couple of occasions. I would hope that the example I set for my younger siblings also instills this accountability.

But I think I have a way fixing things.... details forthcoming perhaps.

[baronnemelisend]

Many many--millions of men do not hold other men accountable for their actions.

This is why across the globe abuse, incest, harrassment, rape, and murder are all okay, and have been okay for millenia.

[elasait]

You're too young to remember when it was almost impossible to get a rape conviction by a jury unless the victim was half-killed in the process. If she didn't put up a fight, she was "asking for it". If she wasn't dressed like Grandma Nancy, she was "asking for it". If she was in certain areas alone, she was "asking for it". If she knew her attacker at all, in whatever capacity, she was "asking for it".

I am not too young to remember that. Fortunately, *that* has changed--somewhat--but there are still far too many men (and women) who still hold that attitude. And *that* is the attitude that needs rejecting, changing, and calling out whenever a hint of it is detected.

Note: I am more than sure that you, personally, don't have that attitude. But to begin to work to change it? Be one of the people who calls it unacceptable whenever it is seen.

[ermenrich]

This is exactly how I feel Einarr. You managed to put it words far better than I could. Thank you for that.

[summersdream]

I agree with you, person I don't know. I am sorry for the girl Ermenrich's talking about because as I see the situation described, I think she needs help. I find her reaction extreme and frightening.

I'm a girl. I've had bad things happen to me. These things were done by a male. That doesn't make every male a villain or worthy of distrust. To me it's when a guy approaches you and you become uncomfortable, give a signal and he doesn't listen that it turns to a threat. Put space between you, look away, react or just SAY "I'm sorry I don't know you please keep your distance." A warning, then react by 911 or defcon 5 or whatever.

I don't think there are any easy answers here but I don't think living in terror of every unknown male is the one to help the situation. I am too young to remember when you couldn't get a rape conviction. I am of the appropriate age to have known a girl who lied about a sexual assault. So I refuse to see all females as helpless against the giant towering brutes because they're smaller, just as I refuse to see men as one big hulking menace.

We're all in this together. It's like you say: we have to make society change and I think it is getting better but we have to keep working so episodes like this won't have to happen years from now.

Maybe that's some kind of post-feminist gendered viewpoint and part of the backlash of misogynistic apologetics, but it's my view nonetheless.