Spoons: Emotional and Physical
I'd heard this thing about Spoons before I got sick-I have an autoimmune disorder- but I'd forgotten about it, so it was interesting to revisit it.
I've never actually thought about it in terms of emotional spoons.
My entire life has been circumscribed by social phobia, which wasn't a named disorder when I was growing up, and so I wasn't able to receive any treatment/medication/insight or anything until I was an adult and had already developed enough workarounds to cope. Social phobia is highly treatable when you are young, but it gets harder the older you are, partly because the workarounds you tend to devise make it more bearable/manageable. I have very few spoons for dealing with authority figures, people I don't know well, or groups of people. I enjoy interacting with people I know well as much as anyone, but it is very hard for me to get to know people in the first place, which means I stick with people once I get past my initial difficulties, (hee-making me either clingy or loyal, depending on whether they like me back.)
I missed many, many days of school growing up, and dropped out of college only two semesters in, because I couldn't deal with the social aspect of it. I wasn't able to participate in girl scouts, and I dropped out of baton twirling class when I found out you had to be in the parade, though I loved my one on one lessons once I got over my fear of the instructor. I wanted to take music lessons very badly, but I was too anxious to try. It's hard for me to eat out, go to the movies, or participate in lots of ordinary things that most people do, unless I have someone along to talk and interact for me.
All of my fears in life revolve around people. For instance, I don't fear physical illness except for the part where it forces you to interact with unfamiliar health professionals. My first thought on seeing some problem/symptom with my body is not about pain, or dying, or anything like that. It's, "Oh Noes! I might have to talk to a stranger!" I have no fear of getting blood drawn, except for the anxiety around dealing with a different person every time I go to the lab. Working in an office, store, or anywhere that you have to deal with strangers is pretty much a no go even if I could get through a job interview. I can only work at a job where I am alone or in the company of a small number of familiar people. Which means I frequently feel isolated and sad about my isolation. I like people, and I like interacting with them.
One of the reasons I do well with foster kids is because they don't trip my authority figure anxiety, but even there I am best when I am alone with them. Sadly, that is the only time I can really be as affectionate, supportive and empathic as I want to be, because if we are out in public or in the company of therapists/doctors/social workers I get all stiff and awkward. I always feel like people will think I am insincere if I show a lot of affection/empathy for the kids in public, so I tend to be quiet and not interact much except when we are alone. Which sucks, but at least I can be myself when I am alone with them.
Anyway, fic fests, fic writing communities and all those things do trigger my social anxiety about groups to the point where I usually just stay in the background and lurk. I've heard people say the internet makes it easier for them to interact, but my social phobia seems to affect me online just as much as it does in real life.
I was wondering if there are other people who feel this way?
I've learned a lot about managing my spoons in regards to my physical illness, but I still mess up sometimes, which is why I had so much fun and hilarity staying up late last night with my daughter that now the day's physical spoons are sadly depleted, and I haven't even gotten completely dressed yet. But thinking about it this way makes me feel a lot less guilty.
I think everyone probably has only so many spoons, it's just that if you are young and healthy you have so many you don't get depleted often, and so you don't have to think about it much.
I've never actually thought about it in terms of emotional spoons.
My entire life has been circumscribed by social phobia, which wasn't a named disorder when I was growing up, and so I wasn't able to receive any treatment/medication/insight or anything until I was an adult and had already developed enough workarounds to cope. Social phobia is highly treatable when you are young, but it gets harder the older you are, partly because the workarounds you tend to devise make it more bearable/manageable. I have very few spoons for dealing with authority figures, people I don't know well, or groups of people. I enjoy interacting with people I know well as much as anyone, but it is very hard for me to get to know people in the first place, which means I stick with people once I get past my initial difficulties, (hee-making me either clingy or loyal, depending on whether they like me back.)
I missed many, many days of school growing up, and dropped out of college only two semesters in, because I couldn't deal with the social aspect of it. I wasn't able to participate in girl scouts, and I dropped out of baton twirling class when I found out you had to be in the parade, though I loved my one on one lessons once I got over my fear of the instructor. I wanted to take music lessons very badly, but I was too anxious to try. It's hard for me to eat out, go to the movies, or participate in lots of ordinary things that most people do, unless I have someone along to talk and interact for me.
All of my fears in life revolve around people. For instance, I don't fear physical illness except for the part where it forces you to interact with unfamiliar health professionals. My first thought on seeing some problem/symptom with my body is not about pain, or dying, or anything like that. It's, "Oh Noes! I might have to talk to a stranger!" I have no fear of getting blood drawn, except for the anxiety around dealing with a different person every time I go to the lab. Working in an office, store, or anywhere that you have to deal with strangers is pretty much a no go even if I could get through a job interview. I can only work at a job where I am alone or in the company of a small number of familiar people. Which means I frequently feel isolated and sad about my isolation. I like people, and I like interacting with them.
One of the reasons I do well with foster kids is because they don't trip my authority figure anxiety, but even there I am best when I am alone with them. Sadly, that is the only time I can really be as affectionate, supportive and empathic as I want to be, because if we are out in public or in the company of therapists/doctors/social workers I get all stiff and awkward. I always feel like people will think I am insincere if I show a lot of affection/empathy for the kids in public, so I tend to be quiet and not interact much except when we are alone. Which sucks, but at least I can be myself when I am alone with them.
Anyway, fic fests, fic writing communities and all those things do trigger my social anxiety about groups to the point where I usually just stay in the background and lurk. I've heard people say the internet makes it easier for them to interact, but my social phobia seems to affect me online just as much as it does in real life.
I was wondering if there are other people who feel this way?
I've learned a lot about managing my spoons in regards to my physical illness, but I still mess up sometimes, which is why I had so much fun and hilarity staying up late last night with my daughter that now the day's physical spoons are sadly depleted, and I haven't even gotten completely dressed yet. But thinking about it this way makes me feel a lot less guilty.
I think everyone probably has only so many spoons, it's just that if you are young and healthy you have so many you don't get depleted often, and so you don't have to think about it much.