Top of The World 01/??
I don’t know how I managed to only realize this now. Reita had been pissed since that day. All this time building up in him and he’s exploding now. Simple ideas can lead to complex situation.
I’m crying. Shaking uncontrollably on the cold bathroom floor. It’s the only room in the house with a lock. He hit me and I ran. That was the climax of the verbal abuse. It’s a simple barrier, anyone could break through it.
He’s in and it’s unavoidable. I scoot back futilely. This was why I didn’t bother to hide. There’s no use. I scream as he grabs onto my hair. My body struggling weakly against him. I swear he has the intent to pull the weave of dreads out.
Of course there’s a beginning to this. A definite cause. There’s was a time just after it happened.
I sneaked into the house, our apartment. I never felt more relieved at his absent. My mind far from the idea about where he had gone. Uruha only stayed with me for a few minutes.
First thing was to shower and clean every where on my body. I thought I wanted it. It seemed like a nice sex fantasy. But in reality it got out of hand. Now I was left feeling violated and stupid. I don’t know why he chooses that time to listen.
I couldn’t help it then, I had to spend time crying. It was supposed to be more controlled and structured. I should have reach out to him and told him I was upset.
I feel in a more normal state when he arrived home. I found myself surprised to see Saga with him. Because of my old sweatpants and t-shirt, I felt suddenly embarrassed. I had just stained it while making dinner.
“Hey babe,” Reita says to me.
I can’t help but light up a little when he hugs me.
“I brought Saga with me. I have some things to give him for his bass.”
My arms stay around him as I look up at Saga.
“Hello Saga. You should stay for dinner.”
A timer goes off in the kitchen and I cuss to myself before running off to take care of it. There’s so much in my head it takes a minute to register what I need to do. I don’t know what causes it. This brain fog.
They’re in the house looking for whatever as I try to get this together. Reita makes messes everywhere. It drives me nuts. I’ll end up having to clean after dinner.
It calms down after dinner. Saga leaves and I thought we’d get some time together. My body cozies up to his. I watch the TV feeling bored. TV shows are preferable to sports. At least in my mind.
I move fully into his lap, my body facing him. My head lies in the crook of his neck. He’s off today or maybe just tired. He doesn’t hug me at all.
“Rei…”
He squeezes my hips.
“Shh…”
“Why’d you do it?”
“I’ve always had this little fantasy,” I confess.
My legs tangled in a mess of pale tangerine sheets. My slender body intertwined with my lovers. I smile at Reita, his eyes downcast. Did I really want to communicate this?
His chin rubs against my head.
“I wanted to make you happy.”
Happiness. Maybe we shouldn’t bother trying to understand.
I’d start before hesitating again. Trying to choose my words carefully.
“It’s almost like a rape fantasy.”
You almost wouldn’t notice. The slight twitch it caused him. Already, he was disgusted, but he says nothing.
“I…” My voice is so strained. “Just being pulled off the street into some dark van without windows. A group of men holding me down and pulling my clothes off. They’ll take turns violating me.”
Reita looks down and back. His face says, “Are you fucking serious?”
There’s an ocean of silence between us. My heart is beating so fast I feel like I’ll throw up.
“You want some strangers to pull you in an unfamiliar place, violate you, give you AIDS or some nasty STD, then beat you to death?”
“Rei!” I whine, “it’s not like that.”
“Dinner was good,” Reita says as the commercials start.
I look up at him.
“Really? I just threw some things together.”
It was easier to just avoid what happened this morning. Not to ask why Reita and Uruha left suddenly in the middle of it. Then it was only Uruha there afterwards.
“Everyone off! Out!” Uruha commands, causing the men to scatter. I sit up and he’s shoving my clothes at me. Uruha waits outside the van smoking a cigarette. Maybe it’s the cold when I get out there. But I’m shaking uncontrollably. My heart is racing. So is my mind. What the fuck had I just done?
“Where’s Reita?”
“He had to take care of something.”
Uruha watches me, my shaking, and my behavior. Soon I’m pulled into a hug.
“Are you regretting things?”
“Is Reita mad?”
“It’s hard for him.”
Whatever that means. It will become clearer.
“Ruki,”
I look up.
“Can I check you out?”
“What?” I ask worry apparent in my voice.
“Take your clothes off and lay down on the bed.”
I look down feeling embarrassed and ashamed. But I guess he has the right to see.
I slowly get off and he’s follows me into the room. I undress slowly before climbing on the bed and lying on my back. It’s cold and he moves onto the bed. He grabs my arm, feeling it up and down. Checking over for bruises. There on my hand and wrist.
He frowns and I start to shiver. He grabs the blanket and pulls it up over my lower half. He looks over my chest and stomach. Then over my other arm. The blanket is thrown the other way. Over my upper half and face. I free my face from under it so I can still watch him.
I wince as he rubs the nasty bruise on my hip. Maybe I was thrown around too much. He feels down my leg and then back up the other.
“Pull your legs up and spread them.”
I do what he says. But I keep my eyes to the side. It’s embarrassing. It’s bruised all up the bottom of my thigh and my area. He frowns so deeply.
“Ruki…” he says in disbelief.
I put my legs down and cover myself with the blanket. So much I just want to cry right now. He sighs and leaves the room. In your head, things tend to work out better. Still, I just think what have I done.
I shiver and I wrap the blanket tighter. In a few minutes, he’s back with some lotion. Really, I could do it myself.
“I put on a pot of tea,’ he says as he hands me the lotion.
“This should help the bruises heal.”
I pull it under the abyss of blanket. He joins me under the blanket.
“Are you tired?” he asks.
I move closer ignoring the rough fabric against my skin.
“I’m exhausted.”
He kisses my forehead.
He’s gone getting the tea. I put the lotion on before getting dressed. Why does the apartment have to be so fucking cold? I stand in the kitchen and watch Reita. He surprises me sometimes. It was just some thing I said. Off hand, I didn’t think he was listening. Now my body is all fucked up and I’m not sure if it was ever worth it.
“Hey baby,” he says as he notices me in the room. I smile at him, and grab a tea cup. We wait for it to finish brewing before we pour it.
“You left Reita.”
He stares at me from the other side of the table. I thought he’d admit it. Just say he was in over his head. There’s disappointment when he answers.
“I had some place to be.”
I couldn’t argue that. Would I ask him what’s more important than me? The answer would be the world doesn’t revolve around you. I don’t want to get into that. Being called self-centered.
“Rei…”
“Hmm?”
I didn’t know what to say. He shouldn’t have left me in there. Ruki stands up and leaves the room.
“Hey, Ruki.”
The blonde goes to sit on the couch. He changes the channel, trying to find something watch.
Reita follows him into the room. He stands there just watching Ruki. Did the blonde have any guilt? Did he have any regret? Or had he really liked the whole thing?
Thos brown eyes just stare at me. I become nervous as I try to figure out what’s going on. He looks back at the TV.
“Do you want something?”
“I think I’m going to go out for a bit.”
“What? Reita, it’s past nine. We have work in the morning.”
“So, I’ll be there in the morning.”
But Reita didn’t come back that night. I actually went a few weeks with him gone. I saw him at work, but I can’t ask him why he had not come home yet.
It was break time and it was just Reita and me in the room. It felt so awkward. How had my lover gotten so far from me?
“Rei…”
He looks over at me from the couch. I stand in front of him. I’m getting nervous. My heart beating so fast.
“Come home tonight. I’ve missed you.”
I thought that would work on him. But his response is very cold.
“Why should I bother?”
My heart sinks. Where is Reita? Who is this person in his place? I climb into his lap to hug him. Reita just can’t leave me like this. My arms are grabbed roughly and he shoves me right o ff. I cry out as my body hits the table.
“Reita!” I yell at him shocked.
It’s perfect timing. I look up and the rest of the band is walking in. They all stare at me.
“Ruki, are you alright?” Kai asks.
I don’t answer him. I glance around at the room before getting up. Quickly, I run out of this place. I’m going to cry but I can’t do it in front of everyone. Reita is so insensitive; he’d break up with me like that.
Crying in the stairway I thought no one would find me. The door opens and I look up. A part of me wanted him there apologizing. There’s just a tall man with honey blonde hair. Uruha comes over and sits down by me.
I’m pulled into an embrace.
“Don’t cry Ruki.”
His chin rests against my head.
“Reita needs time. He’ll come around.”
I sniffle and pathetically wipe my eyes. “What if I can’t wait?”
“Then tell him”
I hug Uruha.
“Take me home tonight. Please.”
Uruha stays quiet, not knowing if Ruki wanted a ride home or to stay with him.
“You know Reita is staying with me.”
“So invite me over. He’ll have no choice.”
So I did go to Uruha’s. I rode home with him after practice. He stopped at a few places so Reita was home before us.
I felt weird going into the house. I always expect Reita to come and hug me. He always welcomes me when I come home. He only glances at me as I walk in.
“I didn’t know you were bringing someone home.”
I’m not just someone.
I stare at him from across the room. I just need something from him. Anything.
“Why is everyone staring?” Reita asks as I notice that Uruha is also staring.
“Just give him what he wants,” Uruha says.
Reita looks over at me and my heart jumps.
“Come on, Ruki,” he says as he walks towards the kitchen.
I follow him. He pulls a donut from a dunkin donuts box and takes a bite. He looks back towards me.
“Have one?”
I worry about the fat content but I still look at the box. There are some that are bitten off of already.
“Some of these have been eaten,” I comment.
Reita pours himself a glass of milk.
I look at the sprinkled ones, the glazed ones, and I finally settle on a cream filled one. I look back to see if Reita is watching. His back is turned so I stick my finger in the hole where they insert the cream. I pull it out and taste it. The donut tastes good so I choose that one. I sit across from Reita and look down at the donut.
Well the donut thing doesn’t matter. I did eat it and he shared his milk with me. We spend time with Uruha until we ended up in bed together.
At first I thought we would just sleep. I was glad for that, just to be near him again. Laying in his arms, I was almost asleep. He rubs my stomach and down a little further then he should.
“Ruki, are you awake?”
I whine at him for my answer.
I should have stopped him.
“Don’t sleep with underwear on in my bed,” he says as he strips mine off.
“Hey.”
His hand moves to play with my penis and I care less. His arm wraps around my chest, keeping me in place. He kisses and licks my neck.
He stops after a few minutes and I whimper. I move onto my back and spread my legs. I assumed he was hard and wanted sex. He smiles at me and pushes my legs closed.
“Give me a blowjob, Ruki.”
I frown before sitting up. He pulls the blanket off himself and waits for me to come over. I lie in between his legs and rest my arms on them. I look up at him and back down at his penis. His fingers run through my hair.
“Don’t hesitate.”
I take him into my mouth. I give him my best until he was moaning and pushing me away. What kind of guy would leave such awesome blowjobs? I start to climb into his lap.
“No, you’ll be in me.”
My mouth drops open.
“We’ve never done it that way.”
“Lay down, Ruki.”
I lie down and look nervously at him as he gets in my lap. I moan as he slides down on my penis. He starts to ride me and it’s rougher than any women ever has. It feels so good and I realize I shouldn’t have ever been uke for him.
It starts to hurt; he’s so rough and heavy.
“My stomach hurts.”
“Don’t be a baby.”
He laughs and gets off. “I’m kidding baby.”
He lies down and spreads his legs. Like I’ve so many times for him. I have sex with him and it’s the greatest thing I’ve ever felt. I lay panting in his arms. As I try to calm down. I fall asleep early and don’t worry if he’ll still be here tomorrow.
After waking up in an empty bed, I go into the bathroom. The shower is running and Uruha is at the sink brushing his teeth. I go to the toilet to pee.
“Reita’s in the shower?” I ask him.
Uruha spits out the toothpaste and rinses off his brush.
“Yeah.”
I walk to the sink to wash my hand.
“So he ignores you for a few weeks and you come back and sleep with him?”
I start to wash my hands.
“We made up.”
I dry my hands.
“Can I shower with you, Reita?”
“Sure,” he says.
I undress and Uruha gasps.
“Jesus Ruki, you’re that bruised?”
I hide my back from him.
“It’s fine.”
My eyes dart from here to here waiting for him to ask more. He moves closer and looks behind me. He hand moves to touch my skin. I jump back.
“Don’t touch me!” I squeal, almost fearful of this person so close to me.
Reita pulls the curtain open and peers out. I climb into the shower. I don’t want anyone grabbing me. I’m not there for people to play with.
It seems like things are back to normal. Reita is still letting me have sex with him. It’s great to be inside of him. I’m becoming obsessed with it. He hasn’t been in me since then but I don’t think about it. I should have realized he was upset.
We’re in the kitchen cooking.
“Were you mad at me?” I ask as I fry food. “You were gone for so long.”
“I just needed some space. Don’t worry about it.”
“I thought you wanted to break up.”
Author's notes: I don't know why it puts funny extra spaces between lines.