House Hunting

[emo_snal]

   Okay so I'm taking a creative writing class at the local community college, and I revised1 this story, originally titled "Marching Orders" (that was the original prompt when written for LJ Idol), for class and submission to the college literary magazine.

1 and revising an existing story is officially okay

Comments

[zhent]

I've read it. I have no criticism for you, constructive or otherwise. It seems passable.

[emo_snal]

"Seems passable" Sounds like less than glowing praise!! O:

:D thanks for reading and commenting though!

[magenta_girl]

I liked it, enough that I went to read the sequel and the other Dorothy stories.

[emo_snal]

Oh really!? That's the ultimate win, inspiring someone to read on. (: I haven't revisited the "grocery run" story lately but I suppose I'll have to tune it up to stay in sync with this one. I'm also looking forward to rewriting the beginning of the "clone story" just as soon as I have time.

[magenta_girl]

Well, I will keep reading them. :)

[emo_snal]

Thanks! (:

[athenais]

Okay, then

[emo_snal]

Thanks for all your feedback!

Yeah the changes between characters and time are a bit convoluted. Unfortunately I'm not sure smoothing it out further is within my skill range though, and I think the story would be kind of dull if it just followed Melissa in a linear line from birth to founding the new colony. But thanks again for your feedback, as I go back through it I'll try to make it seem less like its bouncing around in focus.

[athenais]

I don't think it *needs* to be in one linear voice to make it better, but focus would be good.

My reading protocols are geared towards retaining a lot of textual information that doesn't make sense immediately but will pay off in building a world where I actually need to know what paper the man was reading because it's a clue to his social position, his reaction to something in the story, etc. Thus, when you tell me a lot of "slice of life" details, I expect I need to remember it instead of thinking ooh, excellent observation.

I love short stories. They remind me of watercolours. You have to get them just right!

[emo_snal]

Well in this case I think the older couple is necessary to start in train the threat to the bees from the exterminator, and I dunno, that have to be doing _some_thing? In this case the subject of the newspaper article mirrors the economic worries of the bees.

[halfmoon_mollie]

Well, I'm a little late to the party but...first of all, I want to read the sequel and a whole bunch more.

Watch your tenses. They seem a bit muddy here. AND - yes, the author's voice intrudes a bit here. And you could do with a few less words here and there. For example "she thinks to herself, readjusting her aviator sunglasses" really isn't necessary.

Your word pictures of the bees and things having to do with bees and bee dances and all of that, quite wonderful. Who are all those people intruding on the story, though? Are they necessary?

[basric]

I thought it well done. Nothing to criticize. Excellent.