House Hunting

[emo_snal]

   Okay so I'm taking a creative writing class at the local community college, and I revised1 this story, originally titled "Marching Orders" (that was the original prompt when written for LJ Idol), for class and submission to the college literary magazine.

1 and revising an existing story is officially okay

Comments

[athenais]

Okay, then

[emo_snal]

Thanks for all your feedback!

Yeah the changes between characters and time are a bit convoluted. Unfortunately I'm not sure smoothing it out further is within my skill range though, and I think the story would be kind of dull if it just followed Melissa in a linear line from birth to founding the new colony. But thanks again for your feedback, as I go back through it I'll try to make it seem less like its bouncing around in focus.

[athenais]

I don't think it *needs* to be in one linear voice to make it better, but focus would be good.

My reading protocols are geared towards retaining a lot of textual information that doesn't make sense immediately but will pay off in building a world where I actually need to know what paper the man was reading because it's a clue to his social position, his reaction to something in the story, etc. Thus, when you tell me a lot of "slice of life" details, I expect I need to remember it instead of thinking ooh, excellent observation.

I love short stories. They remind me of watercolours. You have to get them just right!

[emo_snal]

Well in this case I think the older couple is necessary to start in train the threat to the bees from the exterminator, and I dunno, that have to be doing _some_thing? In this case the subject of the newspaper article mirrors the economic worries of the bees.

[athenais]

Oh yes, they are necessary! Here is what I was thinking of, a quote from Diana Paxon:

Avoid ‘creeping-dustmotism’ i.e. include only those details and actions that advance the story or provide info that will be needed later.

I don't mean to keep picking at your story, you must write what you think is important to it. I did not pick up on the clue of the economics of the bees and the paper. D'oh!

[nibot]

> My reading protocols are geared towards retaining a lot of textual information that doesn't make sense immediately but will pay off in building a world where I actually need to know what paper the man was reading because it's a clue to his social position, his reaction to something in the story, etc. Thus, when you tell me a lot of "slice of life" details, I expect I need to remember it instead of thinking ooh, excellent observation.

Chekov's newspaper :-)