On 'Needs' vs. 'Wants'

[emanix]

"Having needs doesn't make you needy. It makes you human. Just thought you should know."A friend posted the above comment on Facebook today, and while I think I am fundamentally in agreement with the spirit of the statement, I am twitchy about the use of that particular word, 'needs', and have been for a long time. I do want to say that *wanting

Comments

[theozzardofwiz]

Um. I'd love to agree with you, but sometimes there are broken people. And I don't think I can even say any more without seriously breaching confidence and risking a life.

[thebobbu]

I think the term 'needs', when used in the context of relationships, tends to be used to convey the sense of urgency and importance of a desire. The word can indeed be used to pressure people into things they don't want to do, and I completely understand your reluctance to use it yourself. But it is also an important signifier to the people one is connected to about the importance something has to your mental health. While often abused, it is nonetheless something which has a valid place in interpersonal communication

[emanix]

*Nods in mostly agreement* I think the hard time I have with the word centres around the fact that I feel that pressure to fulfil those needs is built in to the sense of the word itself

Needs

[edm]

While I agree that "need" can be used to manipulate, I'd like to offer a few things as possible thought experiments that might illuminate other angles.

A "Role Playing Games" analogy: if someone comes at you with a weapon with +10 ("need"), why are you not countering that with your own +10 ("need") weapons? For instance, in your second paragraph you could have said that you needed to be poly, and not closeted (an "outdoor cat" :-) ). Why was their "need" not matched with your "need" -- it certainly sounds like it was as important to you as their "need" was to them. (IMHO, the outcome of incompatible needs is "I guess we're just not compatible" rather than "I guess I have to bend myself to your needs

Re: Needs

[emanix]

@edm, regarding this part of your comment:
the outcome of incompatible needs is "I guess we're just not compatible" rather than "I guess I have to bend myself to your needs".
I'd have honestly been quite happy if the outcome had simply been an agreement that we had *incompatible* needs. I think possibly you missed this part of my previous comment, though

Comment from Facebook

[emanix]

The friend whose thread inspired my original post had this to say, and I'm copying it here (will come back and credit when I've checked it's okay) because I think it was a great response and brought up many good points

Re: Comment from Facebook

[emanix]

My own reply:

Thanks, that's a great response, and you make a good point about relationships being a need in the general sense (though not for everybody). I think the problem I have comes somewhere around the point where that human need for relationships in general becomes a demand for action from one person in the specific, and I am aware that I'm particularly prickly around that area after having folks mess with my personal sovereignty in various ways in the past.

Where the specific is concerned, I'm way more comfortable with expressing things as 'wants', 'desires', 'requests' and suchlike, because saying no to any of those is (I think) a culturally okay thing, whereas to deny someone a *need* is to cause harm - and to be automatically a bad person for setting my own boundaries if that need is for something I'm not comfortable fulfilling, which is where I go ouch and think about running in the opposite direction!

Re: Comment from Facebook

[emanix]

Comment credit: Victoria Rosa of www.openandawesome.com