On 'Needs' vs. 'Wants'

[emanix]

"Having needs doesn't make you needy. It makes you human. Just thought you should know."A friend posted the above comment on Facebook today, and while I think I am fundamentally in agreement with the spirit of the statement, I am twitchy about the use of that particular word, 'needs', and have been for a long time. I do want to say that *wanting

Comments

[thebobbu]

I think the term 'needs', when used in the context of relationships, tends to be used to convey the sense of urgency and importance of a desire. The word can indeed be used to pressure people into things they don't want to do, and I completely understand your reluctance to use it yourself. But it is also an important signifier to the people one is connected to about the importance something has to your mental health. While often abused, it is nonetheless something which has a valid place in interpersonal communication

[emanix]

*Nods in mostly agreement* I think the hard time I have with the word centres around the fact that I feel that pressure to fulfil those needs is built in to the sense of the word itself

Needs

[edm]

While I agree that "need" can be used to manipulate, I'd like to offer a few things as possible thought experiments that might illuminate other angles.

A "Role Playing Games" analogy: if someone comes at you with a weapon with +10 ("need"), why are you not countering that with your own +10 ("need") weapons? For instance, in your second paragraph you could have said that you needed to be poly, and not closeted (an "outdoor cat" :-) ). Why was their "need" not matched with your "need" -- it certainly sounds like it was as important to you as their "need" was to them. (IMHO, the outcome of incompatible needs is "I guess we're just not compatible" rather than "I guess I have to bend myself to your needs

Re: Needs

[emanix]

@edm, regarding this part of your comment:
the outcome of incompatible needs is "I guess we're just not compatible" rather than "I guess I have to bend myself to your needs".
I'd have honestly been quite happy if the outcome had simply been an agreement that we had *incompatible* needs. I think possibly you missed this part of my previous comment, though

Re: Needs

[edm]

Thanks for clarifying.

I think we're in agreement that the entitlement (you must provide this for me because I want/need it) is problematic. And I definitely agree that someone using "need" to describe something is a danger sign that there may be that underlying entitlement. But I think the entitlement is the problem, more than the choice of words. Your post does make me more aware of (excessive) use of "need" as a warning to pay careful attention to what else is going on though.

Sorry you've had to deal with enough (unsuccesful) manipulation to spot the correlation. But thanks for warning the rest of us :-)

Ewen