It's Not Easy
Title: It's Not Easy, part 1
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: R, for some swearing and mentions of boy touching
Word Count: 12,000+ in 2 parts
Disclaimer: I can only fantasize that this is really going on. Alas, it's not. Unless it is, and if so, I want photographic evidence, dammit!
Summary: After 12 years together, 3 kids, and 2 dogs - can Jared and Jensen withstand the pressures of family and career?
A/N 1: I worked on this sucker for months, and it never would've gotten done without my girl
rain388. She badgered, she cheered, she yelled at me, she helped me work out the bugs, she gave me ideas. She's the best muse ever and my number one cheerleader and deserves a huge THANK YOU! *kisses*
A/N 2: I wrote a long story with a plot and pretty much no porn. Oh noes! :0
A/N 3: I also need to thank
sweeter_melissa who smacked some sense into me when I needed it and encouraged me to post this somewhere other people could read it.
This had never been easy for them.
That wasn’t entirely true. When it was just them, with no one to impress, when it was just the slide of skin against skin and murmured promises, then it was easy. Their first kiss, first blowjobs, first everything happened naturally. No thought, just action and emotion and desire.
The relationship part of it, dealing with going from costars to best friends to lovers and something more, convincing Jared to take a chance on them, convincing Kripke it wouldn’t ruin the show, convincing their agents it wasn’t the death of their careers, telling their families they loved each other and planned to stay together for a long time (a day past forever), that’s when it got rough. Not always, of course, but 12 years, a commitment ceremony, and three babies later, they still had their off days, off months.
Like now.
“Jared, for the love of God, would you pick your wet towels up off the bathroom floor!” Jensen yelled, wondering how many times he’d said that in the 10 years they’d lived together. He scrunched up his nose and toed the offending towel, before bending to grab it and hang it up.
“Why should I, when I know you’ll do it for me?” Jared asked, coming to stand in the bathroom doorway, dimpled grin in place.
“Why is this so hard for you, Jared? It takes five extra seconds!” He snatched his toothbrush out of the holder and turned on the water, his movements jerky.
“Jesus, Jensen, is it really that big of a deal?”
The tips of Jared’s ears always turned bright red when he got angry. Jensen ignored that, spitting into the sink. “Yes, it is.” Jared just shrugged and went to head back into their bedroom. “Is Tessa up yet?” Jensen asked before he got too far.
Jared sighed, hunching his shoulders, tension obvious in the line of his spine. “She was starting to make noises. She’s probably awake by now.”
“Are Jamie and Rachael ready?”
“Yes.” It wasn’t quite a hiss, but close enough.
“Did you pack their lunches? And make sure Jamie has his homework?”
“Jesus, Jensen, I’ve been doing this for the past two years! I think I know how to get the kids ready for school!”
“Fine,” he snapped, knuckles white around his toothbrush.
Jared huffed and left the room, and Jensen sighed. He didn’t mean to nitpick, but he couldn’t help himself sometimes. He sighed again and finished getting dressed, then went to check on Tessa. She was awake and making happy noises when he walked in, kicking her feet in her fuzzy pajamas and gurgling. Jensen smiled, rubbing her tummy. “Hello, baby girl.” She blew raspberries in answer, still too young for anything more complicated than dada (and usually not even that), and held her arms out to him. He picked her up and tucked her against his chest, and she nuzzled his neck, blowing more wet raspberries. Closing his eyes, Jensen inhaled the scent of baby shampoo and baby powder, let her tiny warm body calm him down.
“Daddy!” five-year-old Rachael squealed, barreling into the room and attaching herself to Jensen’s legs.
“Hey, baby.” He stroked her shoulder-length blonde hair and smiled. They’d adopted all the kids at various ages and in various states of distress. At two, Rachael had been quiet and withdrawn, wary of everyone, especially her giant of a father, but this bubbly, happy kid hanging off his leg was a world away from that. Jensen was secretly proud of how well he and Jared had done with her, with all of them really, but especially Rachael.
“We’re going to school!” Not quite two months in, kindergarten still excited her, and her smile rivaled Jared’s brightest one.
“Rachael? Come on, sweet pea. We’re gonna be late,” Jared said, stopping in the hall outside the nursery, Jamie peeking from behind Jared’s waist. “We don’t have time to mess around this morning, baby.” School was important, yeah, but rehearsals for his new movie started today, and Jared had a complicated, angsty, dialogue-heavy part.
“Okay!” she replied happily.
Jensen squeezed her shoulder. “You guys have fun. And be good!”
Jamie blinked at him with this well, duh look on his face, and Jensen swallowed a laugh. Jamie was so much like him, even looked like him, eerily so. “Fate,” Jared always claimed. “He was meant to be your son.” Jensen wasn’t so sure about that, wasn’t sure he believed in fate or destiny. He had to work too hard for everything in his life to leave it up to something so tenuous, but he did wonder about the whole nature vs. nurture debate.
“Come on, guys, lets go,” Jared prodded.
Rachael skipped away, Jamie following obediently behind. He may be two years older, but she definitely ran the show.
“They only have a half day today, so they’ll be at the babysitter’s later. Don’t forget-”
“I know,” Jared snapped. “Why is it lately you don’t seem to think I can do anything right?”
“Jared.”
“I’ll see you tonight, Jensen,” he said tiredly.
Jensen watched him go, feeling like shit, but they didn’t have time to talk this out now. Not that they would anyway. He tried to think of the last time they sat down and had a normal conversation and failed. They didn’t talk anymore; they argued.
Tessa squirmed in his arms, tugging on his collar impatiently. “All right, baby girl, hold on.”
He changed her diaper, then carried her into the kitchen. He ended up cleaning more food out of her hair than she ate, but that was nothing new. After getting her dressed (which took longer than it should have, since she squirmed and flailed her arms and giggled knowingly at him) and grabbing the diaper bag, he left to take her to the babysitter’s. She clung to his neck and whimpered when he tried to set her down, and even though he knew the separation anxiety was a normal phase, he still felt like a bastard as he pried her arms away and handed her to Natalie. Her big blue eyes filled with tears, and she held her arms out to him, calling “Dada” in a broken voice.
“She’ll be all right in a few minutes,” Natalie assured him, trying to distract Tessa with a toy.
They went through this every day they needed a babysitter, which didn’t happen very often. They preferred to raise the kids themselves and not rely on nannies or other people (except for their moms for the first month after they brought Jamie home and realized they had no clue what to do), but every once in awhile, they needed help. Natalie was a godsend, a friend of a friend, reliable, funny, loving. The kids adored her, but that didn’t stop Tessa from crying and straining to reach Jensen.
“Go on, Jensen. She’ll be all right,” Natalie repeated.
He nodded and hurried out before he could change his mind.
He’d like nothing more than to stay home with Tessa, but he had a meeting with his agent and two auditions to go to today, nothing major, just small roles. Which suited him fine. He had a chance several years ago, after Supernatural ended and when Jamie was little, to get those bigger parts in the blockbuster action movies, but they left him feeling kinda…empty, unfulfilled. He preferred the quirky characters in the independent movies, the ones with the big impact, even if he had few lines. He thought about giving up acting, switching to directing or producing, but that wouldn’t allow him much time at home with Jared and the kids, and they were more important to him than anything else.
His meeting was long and boring, as usual, but his agent hadn’t steered him wrong for quite awhile and never balked at taking on an openly gay actor as a client, so he counted it worth it. Peter handed him a list of possible projects, all twitchy with giddy excitement like always. One project in particular caught Jensen’s eye, an old-school western that could either go huge or flop spectacularly, but Jensen wanted to pursue it. He told Peter to set it up.
His first audition went horribly (He caught the producer nodding off halfway through the scene.), but he felt pretty good about the second one, confident he’d get a callback, at the least. He and Jared tried not to work at the same time, so one of them could take care of the kids, but this film shot in LA, which meant he could go home at night, if Jared was on location for another movie.
Traffic coming out of LA sucked ass, and by the time Jensen got home, Jared had already put the kids to bed. Jensen checked on each of them, fixing covers and kissing cheeks, wishing he still slept with such innocent abandon. He found Jared in the sunroom, sitting cross-legged on the floor between the dogs (Jared’s girls), silently mouthing his lines. Jensen leaned on the doorjamb, crossing his arms and watching the play of light from the TV reflect off Jared’s golden skin. Sometimes, he seemed like the same beautiful 24-year-old kid with boundless energy Jensen had fallen in love with, but mostly he preferred this older version- a little softer, maybe, a few more laugh lines around his eyes and mouth, but he’d matured into this gorgeous man and wonderful father.
“Hey,” he murmured, settling beside Maya and burying his hands in her soft black fur.
“Hey.”
Jared didn’t look at him, just continued to flip through the script on his lap. “Jared?”
“Hmm?”
“About this morning, I’m sorry.”
Jared shrugged a shoulder. “It’s okay.”
He touched his wrist lightly. “Jared.”
“It’s okay, Jen.”
There it was again, that brittle and resigned tone in Jared’s voice. He hated it, hated hearing it, but he was too tired to fight about it right now. Nodding, he stood up. “I’ll leave you to it then.”
“There’s a plate for you in the fridge,” Jared mentioned as he reached the door, still not looking at him.
“Thanks,” he said, wondering when they fell into this rut, this pattern of arguing and apologizing and overly polite conversation. And how the hell they could fix it.
* * * * * *
Jared rubbed his temples and sighed. This dialogue was kicking his ass. There was no way he’d have it memorized in time. Shooting started in a couple weeks, and he’d suck and get booted from the movie. He was unusually nervous about this one, but he was the second lead in a Clooney-directed movie, which essentially translated into Oscar-nominated Clooney movie, and he felt like the weak link in the big-name cast.
“He wanted you for a reason, Jay,” Jensen told him after one of his more spectacular freak-outs. “He saw something there that he trusted. You just need to calm down. I know you won’t blow it.”
If only he shared Jensen’s confidence in his acting.
He stretched out on his back, felt his spine pop and realign. Angel snuffled into his armpit, and he pushed her cold nose away, snorting. Scooting closer, she licked his cheek, then breathed hotly in his face.
“Ew, girl, gross! Doggie breath!”
He shoved her away playfully and got to his feet. He went over the script longer than he planned. It was after midnight, the house silent and still, except the click of the dogs’ claws as they padded along behind him. On his way to their bedroom, he popped his head in to check on the kids. Jamie lay sprawled out on his back, one leg hanging off the bed. Jared tucked him back in, smoothed his sandy hair out of his eyes. It was kinda scary how much he reminded him of Jensen. If he didn’t know better, he’d swear he really was Jensen’s son. Maya immediately flopped down at the foot of Jamie’s bed, and Angel crowded in by his knees. Rachael had curled herself into a tight ball under the covers, her butt sticking up and thumb in her mouth. He’d straighten her out if it would do any good, but she’d just go right back into the same position. Tessa was dead to the world, so he crept out quietly and headed to their room.
Jensen was avidly watching something about bald eagles on Discovery, somehow managing to look almost scholarly in a ripped t-shirt and faded boxers. Jared stripped down to his own boxers and crawled into bed, leaving about three feet of space between them. He knew Jensen was sorry about that morning, but they argued a lot lately, from stupid little arguments to full-blown shouting matches. He wanted to put it down to his nervousness and preoccupation with the new movie, to the daily routine of school and baths and diapers, to Jensen’s usual upset about their impending separation, but it was more than that.
He shifted onto his side, closing his eyes and letting out a shuddering breath. Jensen’s hand slipped into his hair, nails scraping lightly over his scalp. He kept his hair short now, much shorter than he’d had it in a long time, but it still had some length to it, because he loved it when Jensen played with his hair. He arched into the touch as Jensen started massaging the tension out of his neck and shoulders. He may still be a little worried about their fighting and angry that Jensen suddenly didn’t trust his parenting skills, but most of that melted away with Jensen’s hands on him. Jensen stayed silent, but his message was clear- I’m sorry and I love you and please let it be all right. Jared slid over the cool sheets to press his forehead against Jensen’s side. The heat of his skin seeped through the thin, soft cotton of his t-shirt, further quieting Jared’s restless thoughts. He sighed, a long exhalation of breath, and fell asleep a minute later.
* * * * * *
Jared liked to get up early on Saturday mornings, before the kids starting demanding his attention, and take the dogs for a long run. It was often just after dawn, when most normal people were still asleep, when everything was still and quiet and the world felt on hold. They lived in a small cul-de-sac, in a town an hour and a half north of LA, where you knew all your neighbors’ names, a park sat within walking distance, and the kids could play in the street without worrying about getting hit by a car. Jensen had refused to raise their kids in LA, and Jared agreed with him. When they discovered Ainsley eight years ago, moving there had been a no-brainer.
He used this time to run lines or make decisions about his career or just clear his mind, turn off his thoughts and just be. This morning, though, he couldn’t shut his brain off. With each step he pounded against the pavement, worries crept in. What if he really couldn’t hack it in this movie? He’d never been fired in his life, but he had no idea why he let his agent talk him into auditioning for George Clooney. And things with Jensen…
Jared hunched his shoulders around his ears and mentally shoved all that away.
He still marveled sometimes at how lucky he’d gotten. It wasn’t always easy; he’d almost given up several times in those early years, when there was so much pressure on them about their relationship. But Jensen always kept him coming back, because being with Jensen made him happier than he thought possible. It took work, but they got through it, stayed strong, adopted the three best kids in the world (He was probably biased on the subject, but they really were incredible- cute, smart, polite, funny, and about a million other things.), had respectable careers they loved, and they had each other. And even though things were still a little strained between them right now, he wouldn’t trade this life for anything.
When he was just about to fall over from exhaustion and the girls’ tongues lolled tiredly, Jared looped back around to head home. His t-shirt stuck to his back, his knees and calves screamed at him in protest at more work, sweat dripped from his hair into his eyes, but he pushed on, slowing down some when he got to the end of their street. He saw their neighbor Edna taking her garbage out and waved. She waved enthusiastically back, her grin obvious even this far away. Jared smiled. Edna was about 70 and had more energy than Jamie and Rachael combined. She doted on them, on all of them, bringing them pies and casseroles when she knew they were working too much and didn’t have time to cook, babysat the kids, kept an eye on the house when no one was home, gave them gifts for Christmas and birthdays. In turn, Jared and Jensen mowed her lawn, fixed leaky pipes, helped out wherever and whenever they could.
“Hey, Mrs. Edna.” He wiped his face with the bottom of his shirt. “You’re up early today,” Jared said, kissing her cheek.
“Morning, Jared.” She bent down to pet the dogs, who snuffled at her pockets till she somehow pulled out treats for them. “My grandkids are coming for the weekend. Got a lot to do to get ready.”
“Oh, those hellions? Just keep them off my lawn this time.” It sounded like something his grandpa would say. Their yard wouldn’t exactly make the cover of Better Homes and Garden any time soon.
“Oh, you!” She swatted at his arm, and he chuckled.
“Have a good weekend, Mrs. Edna.”
“You, too, dear. Give everyone a kiss for me.”
“Yep.”
She slipped the dogs more treats as he walked away. Jared shook his head affectionately and went inside. He showered and changed, trying not to disturb Jensen. He stood by the side of the bed and watched him for a minute, watched the slow rise and fall of his chest as he breathed, then gently brushed a thumb over his cheek. He hardly looked his age, was still the most beautiful man Jared had ever known, his skin still smooth and soft, freckles standing out faintly in the dim light. Jensen rolled onto his stomach, burying his head and arms under the pillow, totally unaware. Smiling fondly, Jared kissed the back of Jensen’s neck and left his peacefully sleeping husband firmly ensconced in the bed.
He almost ran over Rachael in the hallway. She smiled sleepily up at him, hair sticking up on one side, her threadbare blankie clutched in her fist, and thumb in her mouth.
“Hey, sweet pea. You want some breakfast?” he asked, picking her up and gnawing at her neck.
She giggled and squirmed. “Yesh, Daddy,” she answered around her thumb.
He popped the thumb out of her mouth. “Say it again without the thumb.”
“Yes, Daddy,” she repeated.
“All right.” This thumb-sucking habit proved harder to break than either of them predicted. So far, nothing was working.
He set her down and followed her into the kitchen, where he poured them bowls of extra sugary cereal. He heard Tessa start fussing then, so he got her up and fed her, too. The three of them piled onto the couch in the family room to watch cartoons (some vaguely disturbing show featuring a mouse with wings), Tessa with a sippy cup of milk and Rachael with a juice box. Jamie wandered in after about half an hour and crawled onto Jared’s lap. He was getting kinda big for that, all long, gangly limbs, but Jared didn’t mind. He knew it would be all too soon that Jamie decided he was too old for hugs and cuddles, so he enjoyed it while he could. This was what Saturdays were for- eating unhealthy food, lazing around and rotting your brain with too much TV, sleeping in late in Jensen’s case, forgetting about work and school, and just spending time together.
Jensen found them still snuggled on the couch when he stumbled into the family room around 10. Jared smiled at him and made room for him beside Rachael. They didn’t budge much for the rest of the day.
Jared loved Saturdays.
* * * * * *
They went out to dinner the night before Jared left for Chicago, just the two of them, a long-standing date when one of them went on location for more than a few days. Jensen was actually happy Jared was leaving for a couple months, and that scared him. He was usually upset, but they desperately needed the space right now, and he was glad to have it. Dinner was tense, with little conversation, and he didn’t know why everything was so off lately. Jared seemed restless, uncomfortable in his own skin, and he was never like that, always more confident and sure than Jensen ever was.
He promised the kids they’d visit Jared in Chicago, let them see real snow for the first time in their young lives. It made them excited to see him go, instead of moping and dragging around the house all long-faced and sad. He knew Jared hated to see their tear-streaked cheeks when he packed, but he imagined excessive bouncing and helping him pick out clothes was worse.
Jared appeared to be the only one upset about his leaving.
Edna volunteered to take the kids for the night, “to give you boys some privacy” she told them with a wink. Jensen wondered how it would be when they got home, alone for the first time in ages, but this, Jared’s slow kisses and firm, sure touches, this had always been easy. It was slow but urgent, desperate, almost needy. Not exactly the frenzied race to get naked and get each other off of their younger days, but there was an economy of movements- get there and get there now. As Jared eased into him, slow, hard, and deep, Jensen realized with a pang how long it’d been since they made love, since they shared more than sleepy kisses at night or a hand on his back as Jared brushed past him in the kitchen. And, yeah, since they became parents, they no longer fucked like horny teenagers every chance they got, but certainly more than, what, once or twice a month. Jared rocked his hips, stroking deeper, and Jensen arched his back, meeting his thrusts with small, involuntary jerks.
He wished everything could be this easy. And this perfect.
Later, lethargic and content, Jensen pillowed his head on Jared’s stomach and closed his eyes. Jared knuckled the back of his neck, and Jensen shivered. It’s been so long since they got to do this, got to spend so much time just being them. He knew it was his fault as much as it was Jared’s, the kids, their jobs, and whatever other excuses he wanted to come up with. But blame aside, he missed this, missed being close to Jared, even this simple touch of lying together.
Jared poked him in the side, waking him from his half-doze. “Gonna miss me?” he asked, but his teasing tone fell flat about halfway through, ending strained and uncertain.
He wished he could say “yes, of course, don’t be an ass” like he always did, but he was afraid it’d come out insincere. He pressed his lips to Jared’s still-flat abs, felt the tension in the air ratchet up an extra couple of notches. “Yeah,” he answered eventually, quietly.
There was a long pause before Jared said anything else. “You must be happy, though. With me gone, you won’t have to worry about me fucking anything up.”
Jensen’s head snapped up. “Jared!”
He looked shocked to’ve said anything, but pressed on anyway. “Come on, Jen. You question everything I do.”
“I don’t. I don’t do that!”
“Yeah, you kinda do. It’s like you don’t trust me anymore.”
“Jared.” He sat up and crossed his legs, scrubbing a hand over his face. “Why do you always do this? This is the first night in God knows how long that we’ve been alone, no Jamie wanting a glass of water, no Rachael having a nightmare, no Tessa fussing. And you have to-”
“Fuck it up?” Jared finished for him.
He shouldn’t answer, he should keep his mouth shut, but he found himself saying “yes” before he could stop it. Then immediately regretted it as Jared’s eyes widened in anger and hurt. Jared swallowed and slipped off the bed, searching through the pile of their clothes and pulling his boxers on. Jensen reached out a hand to touch his wrist, but Jared wrenched away from him and stalked toward the door.
“Where are you going?” Jensen asked.
“To sleep in the guest room,” Jared replied, voice brittle.
“Jared! Wait!” He scrambled after him only to have the door slam in his face. “Shit!” He banged his fist against it, then turned around and slid down the wall. Shit.
Jensen didn’t sleep at all that night and suspected Jared hadn’t either, based on the bruises under his eyes and the pinched set to his mouth. He hated to leave things like this right before Jared went on location for nine weeks, but Jared clearly didn’t want to talk about it, so he didn’t push him.
They spent the morning in silence, moving around each other awkwardly as Jared finished packing. After lunch, they collected the kids from Edna’s and drove to the airport. Jamie and Rachael bounced off the walls, hopped up on sugar and excitement about seeing “real live planes!” though they’d been inside plenty of airports over the years. Rachael kept up a constant stream of chatter, Jamie chiming in every once in awhile, about the chocolate pie they helped Edna bake, about how they put on their jammies early and watched movies and played games and Grandma Edna was so much fun but she wished her other grandmas lived closer, asked when they were going to Texas next, how far away Chicago was and how long Daddy was gonna be gone this time and on and on. Jensen thought his head might explode if he had that much inside him ready to burst out all the time.
Thankfully, the sugar high crashed about halfway to the airport, and they all fell asleep. But the atmosphere in the car grew even tenser, the silence thick between he and Jared. Jensen wanted to apologize, wondered if it would do any good, couldn’t bear to face nine weeks of separation with angry words between them, didn’t want Jared to think that was how he really felt about him, like a fuck-up and untrustworthy. Every time he opened his mouth, though, the words got caught in his throat.
Jamie roused enough when they arrived at LAX to walk on his own, but nothing short of the apocalypse ever woke Tessa. Jensen carried her and one of Jared’s bags, while Jared held a drowsy Rachael, till she wiggled and demanded to be put down. Jensen glanced behind him at Jamie, who insisted on lugging the big suitcase. The thing must weigh twice as much as him, but he handled it amazingly well. His baby boy was growing up. That both depressed him and made him proud.
Because of the strict safety regulations still in place, they said goodbye to Jared by the ticket counters. Jared crouched down to hug Jamie and Rachael, one burrowed into each of his shoulders, excitement gone and replaced by tears and trembling lips. Jared stroked their backs and held on tight, eyes squeezed shut and pain evident in every line of his body. Jensen almost sank to his knees and wrapped his arms around his family. He knew how much this hurt, that it never got any easier to walk away. He also understood, though, that Jared needed to share this moment with the kids without his interference.
Jared carefully schooled his features into a smile and backed up. “Hey now, it’s all right,” he said, brushing Rachael’s tears away. “It won’t be so bad. You guys are gonna come visit me in a few weeks. See some snow. That’ll be fun, right?”
Jamie smiled tentatively, and Rachael nodded. Jensen stepped closer, a silent reassurance that Jared may be leaving, but they’d still have a daddy at home, they wouldn’t be alone. Jared hugged them one last time and stood up, stopping in front of Jensen. He kissed Tessa’s cheek, big hand splayed across her tiny back. She whuffled quietly, rubbing her nose on Jensen’s chest, then settled.
“Call me when you get there?” he requested.
“Yeah. I always do, right?” His smile failed to reach his eyes.
“Jay?” He swallowed hard. Earlier he’d been happy to see Jared go, but now, faced with the reality of so long without him, he wished Jared could stay.
“Yeah?”
There was a beat where Jensen didn’t know what to say or do, then he grabbed the back of Jared’s head and pulled him down for a hard kiss. He expected Jared to fight him, but he kissed back, hand coming up to cup his cheek.
“I’m so sorry, okay?” Jensen murmured.
Jared sighed, thumb caressing his jaw line. “So am I.”
He kissed him again, short but fierce. “I love you.”
“I love you, too, Jen.”
Jensen choked back a whimper. He would forever be grateful there was no hesitation when Jared said that, no lie in his voice or uncertainty in his eyes. Jared kissed him this time, deep and wet and sure, then rested his forehead against Jensen’s, lips barely brushing his cheek.
“I have to go,” Jared said softly.
He wondered if he imagined the double meaning in that sentence. “Yeah, yeah, okay.”
One more kiss, then Jared shouldered his carry-on bag, smiled at the kids, and joined the end of the security line. Rachael hugged his leg, and Jamie wrapped his arms around his waist, burying his nose in Jensen’s stomach. Stroking Rachael’s hair, Jensen watched till Jared disappeared out of sight, then gently nudged the kids.
“Come on, guys. Let’s go home.”
Part 2
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: R, for some swearing and mentions of boy touching
Word Count: 12,000+ in 2 parts
Disclaimer: I can only fantasize that this is really going on. Alas, it's not. Unless it is, and if so, I want photographic evidence, dammit!
Summary: After 12 years together, 3 kids, and 2 dogs - can Jared and Jensen withstand the pressures of family and career?
A/N 1: I worked on this sucker for months, and it never would've gotten done without my girl
rain388. She badgered, she cheered, she yelled at me, she helped me work out the bugs, she gave me ideas. She's the best muse ever and my number one cheerleader and deserves a huge THANK YOU! *kisses*
A/N 2: I wrote a long story with a plot and pretty much no porn. Oh noes! :0
A/N 3: I also need to thank
sweeter_melissa who smacked some sense into me when I needed it and encouraged me to post this somewhere other people could read it.
This had never been easy for them.
That wasn’t entirely true. When it was just them, with no one to impress, when it was just the slide of skin against skin and murmured promises, then it was easy. Their first kiss, first blowjobs, first everything happened naturally. No thought, just action and emotion and desire.
The relationship part of it, dealing with going from costars to best friends to lovers and something more, convincing Jared to take a chance on them, convincing Kripke it wouldn’t ruin the show, convincing their agents it wasn’t the death of their careers, telling their families they loved each other and planned to stay together for a long time (a day past forever), that’s when it got rough. Not always, of course, but 12 years, a commitment ceremony, and three babies later, they still had their off days, off months.
Like now.
“Jared, for the love of God, would you pick your wet towels up off the bathroom floor!” Jensen yelled, wondering how many times he’d said that in the 10 years they’d lived together. He scrunched up his nose and toed the offending towel, before bending to grab it and hang it up.
“Why should I, when I know you’ll do it for me?” Jared asked, coming to stand in the bathroom doorway, dimpled grin in place.
“Why is this so hard for you, Jared? It takes five extra seconds!” He snatched his toothbrush out of the holder and turned on the water, his movements jerky.
“Jesus, Jensen, is it really that big of a deal?”
The tips of Jared’s ears always turned bright red when he got angry. Jensen ignored that, spitting into the sink. “Yes, it is.” Jared just shrugged and went to head back into their bedroom. “Is Tessa up yet?” Jensen asked before he got too far.
Jared sighed, hunching his shoulders, tension obvious in the line of his spine. “She was starting to make noises. She’s probably awake by now.”
“Are Jamie and Rachael ready?”
“Yes.” It wasn’t quite a hiss, but close enough.
“Did you pack their lunches? And make sure Jamie has his homework?”
“Jesus, Jensen, I’ve been doing this for the past two years! I think I know how to get the kids ready for school!”
“Fine,” he snapped, knuckles white around his toothbrush.
Jared huffed and left the room, and Jensen sighed. He didn’t mean to nitpick, but he couldn’t help himself sometimes. He sighed again and finished getting dressed, then went to check on Tessa. She was awake and making happy noises when he walked in, kicking her feet in her fuzzy pajamas and gurgling. Jensen smiled, rubbing her tummy. “Hello, baby girl.” She blew raspberries in answer, still too young for anything more complicated than dada (and usually not even that), and held her arms out to him. He picked her up and tucked her against his chest, and she nuzzled his neck, blowing more wet raspberries. Closing his eyes, Jensen inhaled the scent of baby shampoo and baby powder, let her tiny warm body calm him down.
“Daddy!” five-year-old Rachael squealed, barreling into the room and attaching herself to Jensen’s legs.
“Hey, baby.” He stroked her shoulder-length blonde hair and smiled. They’d adopted all the kids at various ages and in various states of distress. At two, Rachael had been quiet and withdrawn, wary of everyone, especially her giant of a father, but this bubbly, happy kid hanging off his leg was a world away from that. Jensen was secretly proud of how well he and Jared had done with her, with all of them really, but especially Rachael.
“We’re going to school!” Not quite two months in, kindergarten still excited her, and her smile rivaled Jared’s brightest one.
“Rachael? Come on, sweet pea. We’re gonna be late,” Jared said, stopping in the hall outside the nursery, Jamie peeking from behind Jared’s waist. “We don’t have time to mess around this morning, baby.” School was important, yeah, but rehearsals for his new movie started today, and Jared had a complicated, angsty, dialogue-heavy part.
“Okay!” she replied happily.
Jensen squeezed her shoulder. “You guys have fun. And be good!”
Jamie blinked at him with this well, duh look on his face, and Jensen swallowed a laugh. Jamie was so much like him, even looked like him, eerily so. “Fate,” Jared always claimed. “He was meant to be your son.” Jensen wasn’t so sure about that, wasn’t sure he believed in fate or destiny. He had to work too hard for everything in his life to leave it up to something so tenuous, but he did wonder about the whole nature vs. nurture debate.
“Come on, guys, lets go,” Jared prodded.
Rachael skipped away, Jamie following obediently behind. He may be two years older, but she definitely ran the show.
“They only have a half day today, so they’ll be at the babysitter’s later. Don’t forget-”
“I know,” Jared snapped. “Why is it lately you don’t seem to think I can do anything right?”
“Jared.”
“I’ll see you tonight, Jensen,” he said tiredly.
Jensen watched him go, feeling like shit, but they didn’t have time to talk this out now. Not that they would anyway. He tried to think of the last time they sat down and had a normal conversation and failed. They didn’t talk anymore; they argued.
Tessa squirmed in his arms, tugging on his collar impatiently. “All right, baby girl, hold on.”
He changed her diaper, then carried her into the kitchen. He ended up cleaning more food out of her hair than she ate, but that was nothing new. After getting her dressed (which took longer than it should have, since she squirmed and flailed her arms and giggled knowingly at him) and grabbing the diaper bag, he left to take her to the babysitter’s. She clung to his neck and whimpered when he tried to set her down, and even though he knew the separation anxiety was a normal phase, he still felt like a bastard as he pried her arms away and handed her to Natalie. Her big blue eyes filled with tears, and she held her arms out to him, calling “Dada” in a broken voice.
“She’ll be all right in a few minutes,” Natalie assured him, trying to distract Tessa with a toy.
They went through this every day they needed a babysitter, which didn’t happen very often. They preferred to raise the kids themselves and not rely on nannies or other people (except for their moms for the first month after they brought Jamie home and realized they had no clue what to do), but every once in awhile, they needed help. Natalie was a godsend, a friend of a friend, reliable, funny, loving. The kids adored her, but that didn’t stop Tessa from crying and straining to reach Jensen.
“Go on, Jensen. She’ll be all right,” Natalie repeated.
He nodded and hurried out before he could change his mind.
He’d like nothing more than to stay home with Tessa, but he had a meeting with his agent and two auditions to go to today, nothing major, just small roles. Which suited him fine. He had a chance several years ago, after Supernatural ended and when Jamie was little, to get those bigger parts in the blockbuster action movies, but they left him feeling kinda…empty, unfulfilled. He preferred the quirky characters in the independent movies, the ones with the big impact, even if he had few lines. He thought about giving up acting, switching to directing or producing, but that wouldn’t allow him much time at home with Jared and the kids, and they were more important to him than anything else.
His meeting was long and boring, as usual, but his agent hadn’t steered him wrong for quite awhile and never balked at taking on an openly gay actor as a client, so he counted it worth it. Peter handed him a list of possible projects, all twitchy with giddy excitement like always. One project in particular caught Jensen’s eye, an old-school western that could either go huge or flop spectacularly, but Jensen wanted to pursue it. He told Peter to set it up.
His first audition went horribly (He caught the producer nodding off halfway through the scene.), but he felt pretty good about the second one, confident he’d get a callback, at the least. He and Jared tried not to work at the same time, so one of them could take care of the kids, but this film shot in LA, which meant he could go home at night, if Jared was on location for another movie.
Traffic coming out of LA sucked ass, and by the time Jensen got home, Jared had already put the kids to bed. Jensen checked on each of them, fixing covers and kissing cheeks, wishing he still slept with such innocent abandon. He found Jared in the sunroom, sitting cross-legged on the floor between the dogs (Jared’s girls), silently mouthing his lines. Jensen leaned on the doorjamb, crossing his arms and watching the play of light from the TV reflect off Jared’s golden skin. Sometimes, he seemed like the same beautiful 24-year-old kid with boundless energy Jensen had fallen in love with, but mostly he preferred this older version- a little softer, maybe, a few more laugh lines around his eyes and mouth, but he’d matured into this gorgeous man and wonderful father.
“Hey,” he murmured, settling beside Maya and burying his hands in her soft black fur.
“Hey.”
Jared didn’t look at him, just continued to flip through the script on his lap. “Jared?”
“Hmm?”
“About this morning, I’m sorry.”
Jared shrugged a shoulder. “It’s okay.”
He touched his wrist lightly. “Jared.”
“It’s okay, Jen.”
There it was again, that brittle and resigned tone in Jared’s voice. He hated it, hated hearing it, but he was too tired to fight about it right now. Nodding, he stood up. “I’ll leave you to it then.”
“There’s a plate for you in the fridge,” Jared mentioned as he reached the door, still not looking at him.
“Thanks,” he said, wondering when they fell into this rut, this pattern of arguing and apologizing and overly polite conversation. And how the hell they could fix it.
* * * * * *
Jared rubbed his temples and sighed. This dialogue was kicking his ass. There was no way he’d have it memorized in time. Shooting started in a couple weeks, and he’d suck and get booted from the movie. He was unusually nervous about this one, but he was the second lead in a Clooney-directed movie, which essentially translated into Oscar-nominated Clooney movie, and he felt like the weak link in the big-name cast.
“He wanted you for a reason, Jay,” Jensen told him after one of his more spectacular freak-outs. “He saw something there that he trusted. You just need to calm down. I know you won’t blow it.”
If only he shared Jensen’s confidence in his acting.
He stretched out on his back, felt his spine pop and realign. Angel snuffled into his armpit, and he pushed her cold nose away, snorting. Scooting closer, she licked his cheek, then breathed hotly in his face.
“Ew, girl, gross! Doggie breath!”
He shoved her away playfully and got to his feet. He went over the script longer than he planned. It was after midnight, the house silent and still, except the click of the dogs’ claws as they padded along behind him. On his way to their bedroom, he popped his head in to check on the kids. Jamie lay sprawled out on his back, one leg hanging off the bed. Jared tucked him back in, smoothed his sandy hair out of his eyes. It was kinda scary how much he reminded him of Jensen. If he didn’t know better, he’d swear he really was Jensen’s son. Maya immediately flopped down at the foot of Jamie’s bed, and Angel crowded in by his knees. Rachael had curled herself into a tight ball under the covers, her butt sticking up and thumb in her mouth. He’d straighten her out if it would do any good, but she’d just go right back into the same position. Tessa was dead to the world, so he crept out quietly and headed to their room.
Jensen was avidly watching something about bald eagles on Discovery, somehow managing to look almost scholarly in a ripped t-shirt and faded boxers. Jared stripped down to his own boxers and crawled into bed, leaving about three feet of space between them. He knew Jensen was sorry about that morning, but they argued a lot lately, from stupid little arguments to full-blown shouting matches. He wanted to put it down to his nervousness and preoccupation with the new movie, to the daily routine of school and baths and diapers, to Jensen’s usual upset about their impending separation, but it was more than that.
He shifted onto his side, closing his eyes and letting out a shuddering breath. Jensen’s hand slipped into his hair, nails scraping lightly over his scalp. He kept his hair short now, much shorter than he’d had it in a long time, but it still had some length to it, because he loved it when Jensen played with his hair. He arched into the touch as Jensen started massaging the tension out of his neck and shoulders. He may still be a little worried about their fighting and angry that Jensen suddenly didn’t trust his parenting skills, but most of that melted away with Jensen’s hands on him. Jensen stayed silent, but his message was clear- I’m sorry and I love you and please let it be all right. Jared slid over the cool sheets to press his forehead against Jensen’s side. The heat of his skin seeped through the thin, soft cotton of his t-shirt, further quieting Jared’s restless thoughts. He sighed, a long exhalation of breath, and fell asleep a minute later.
* * * * * *
Jared liked to get up early on Saturday mornings, before the kids starting demanding his attention, and take the dogs for a long run. It was often just after dawn, when most normal people were still asleep, when everything was still and quiet and the world felt on hold. They lived in a small cul-de-sac, in a town an hour and a half north of LA, where you knew all your neighbors’ names, a park sat within walking distance, and the kids could play in the street without worrying about getting hit by a car. Jensen had refused to raise their kids in LA, and Jared agreed with him. When they discovered Ainsley eight years ago, moving there had been a no-brainer.
He used this time to run lines or make decisions about his career or just clear his mind, turn off his thoughts and just be. This morning, though, he couldn’t shut his brain off. With each step he pounded against the pavement, worries crept in. What if he really couldn’t hack it in this movie? He’d never been fired in his life, but he had no idea why he let his agent talk him into auditioning for George Clooney. And things with Jensen…
Jared hunched his shoulders around his ears and mentally shoved all that away.
He still marveled sometimes at how lucky he’d gotten. It wasn’t always easy; he’d almost given up several times in those early years, when there was so much pressure on them about their relationship. But Jensen always kept him coming back, because being with Jensen made him happier than he thought possible. It took work, but they got through it, stayed strong, adopted the three best kids in the world (He was probably biased on the subject, but they really were incredible- cute, smart, polite, funny, and about a million other things.), had respectable careers they loved, and they had each other. And even though things were still a little strained between them right now, he wouldn’t trade this life for anything.
When he was just about to fall over from exhaustion and the girls’ tongues lolled tiredly, Jared looped back around to head home. His t-shirt stuck to his back, his knees and calves screamed at him in protest at more work, sweat dripped from his hair into his eyes, but he pushed on, slowing down some when he got to the end of their street. He saw their neighbor Edna taking her garbage out and waved. She waved enthusiastically back, her grin obvious even this far away. Jared smiled. Edna was about 70 and had more energy than Jamie and Rachael combined. She doted on them, on all of them, bringing them pies and casseroles when she knew they were working too much and didn’t have time to cook, babysat the kids, kept an eye on the house when no one was home, gave them gifts for Christmas and birthdays. In turn, Jared and Jensen mowed her lawn, fixed leaky pipes, helped out wherever and whenever they could.
“Hey, Mrs. Edna.” He wiped his face with the bottom of his shirt. “You’re up early today,” Jared said, kissing her cheek.
“Morning, Jared.” She bent down to pet the dogs, who snuffled at her pockets till she somehow pulled out treats for them. “My grandkids are coming for the weekend. Got a lot to do to get ready.”
“Oh, those hellions? Just keep them off my lawn this time.” It sounded like something his grandpa would say. Their yard wouldn’t exactly make the cover of Better Homes and Garden any time soon.
“Oh, you!” She swatted at his arm, and he chuckled.
“Have a good weekend, Mrs. Edna.”
“You, too, dear. Give everyone a kiss for me.”
“Yep.”
She slipped the dogs more treats as he walked away. Jared shook his head affectionately and went inside. He showered and changed, trying not to disturb Jensen. He stood by the side of the bed and watched him for a minute, watched the slow rise and fall of his chest as he breathed, then gently brushed a thumb over his cheek. He hardly looked his age, was still the most beautiful man Jared had ever known, his skin still smooth and soft, freckles standing out faintly in the dim light. Jensen rolled onto his stomach, burying his head and arms under the pillow, totally unaware. Smiling fondly, Jared kissed the back of Jensen’s neck and left his peacefully sleeping husband firmly ensconced in the bed.
He almost ran over Rachael in the hallway. She smiled sleepily up at him, hair sticking up on one side, her threadbare blankie clutched in her fist, and thumb in her mouth.
“Hey, sweet pea. You want some breakfast?” he asked, picking her up and gnawing at her neck.
She giggled and squirmed. “Yesh, Daddy,” she answered around her thumb.
He popped the thumb out of her mouth. “Say it again without the thumb.”
“Yes, Daddy,” she repeated.
“All right.” This thumb-sucking habit proved harder to break than either of them predicted. So far, nothing was working.
He set her down and followed her into the kitchen, where he poured them bowls of extra sugary cereal. He heard Tessa start fussing then, so he got her up and fed her, too. The three of them piled onto the couch in the family room to watch cartoons (some vaguely disturbing show featuring a mouse with wings), Tessa with a sippy cup of milk and Rachael with a juice box. Jamie wandered in after about half an hour and crawled onto Jared’s lap. He was getting kinda big for that, all long, gangly limbs, but Jared didn’t mind. He knew it would be all too soon that Jamie decided he was too old for hugs and cuddles, so he enjoyed it while he could. This was what Saturdays were for- eating unhealthy food, lazing around and rotting your brain with too much TV, sleeping in late in Jensen’s case, forgetting about work and school, and just spending time together.
Jensen found them still snuggled on the couch when he stumbled into the family room around 10. Jared smiled at him and made room for him beside Rachael. They didn’t budge much for the rest of the day.
Jared loved Saturdays.
* * * * * *
They went out to dinner the night before Jared left for Chicago, just the two of them, a long-standing date when one of them went on location for more than a few days. Jensen was actually happy Jared was leaving for a couple months, and that scared him. He was usually upset, but they desperately needed the space right now, and he was glad to have it. Dinner was tense, with little conversation, and he didn’t know why everything was so off lately. Jared seemed restless, uncomfortable in his own skin, and he was never like that, always more confident and sure than Jensen ever was.
He promised the kids they’d visit Jared in Chicago, let them see real snow for the first time in their young lives. It made them excited to see him go, instead of moping and dragging around the house all long-faced and sad. He knew Jared hated to see their tear-streaked cheeks when he packed, but he imagined excessive bouncing and helping him pick out clothes was worse.
Jared appeared to be the only one upset about his leaving.
Edna volunteered to take the kids for the night, “to give you boys some privacy” she told them with a wink. Jensen wondered how it would be when they got home, alone for the first time in ages, but this, Jared’s slow kisses and firm, sure touches, this had always been easy. It was slow but urgent, desperate, almost needy. Not exactly the frenzied race to get naked and get each other off of their younger days, but there was an economy of movements- get there and get there now. As Jared eased into him, slow, hard, and deep, Jensen realized with a pang how long it’d been since they made love, since they shared more than sleepy kisses at night or a hand on his back as Jared brushed past him in the kitchen. And, yeah, since they became parents, they no longer fucked like horny teenagers every chance they got, but certainly more than, what, once or twice a month. Jared rocked his hips, stroking deeper, and Jensen arched his back, meeting his thrusts with small, involuntary jerks.
He wished everything could be this easy. And this perfect.
Later, lethargic and content, Jensen pillowed his head on Jared’s stomach and closed his eyes. Jared knuckled the back of his neck, and Jensen shivered. It’s been so long since they got to do this, got to spend so much time just being them. He knew it was his fault as much as it was Jared’s, the kids, their jobs, and whatever other excuses he wanted to come up with. But blame aside, he missed this, missed being close to Jared, even this simple touch of lying together.
Jared poked him in the side, waking him from his half-doze. “Gonna miss me?” he asked, but his teasing tone fell flat about halfway through, ending strained and uncertain.
He wished he could say “yes, of course, don’t be an ass” like he always did, but he was afraid it’d come out insincere. He pressed his lips to Jared’s still-flat abs, felt the tension in the air ratchet up an extra couple of notches. “Yeah,” he answered eventually, quietly.
There was a long pause before Jared said anything else. “You must be happy, though. With me gone, you won’t have to worry about me fucking anything up.”
Jensen’s head snapped up. “Jared!”
He looked shocked to’ve said anything, but pressed on anyway. “Come on, Jen. You question everything I do.”
“I don’t. I don’t do that!”
“Yeah, you kinda do. It’s like you don’t trust me anymore.”
“Jared.” He sat up and crossed his legs, scrubbing a hand over his face. “Why do you always do this? This is the first night in God knows how long that we’ve been alone, no Jamie wanting a glass of water, no Rachael having a nightmare, no Tessa fussing. And you have to-”
“Fuck it up?” Jared finished for him.
He shouldn’t answer, he should keep his mouth shut, but he found himself saying “yes” before he could stop it. Then immediately regretted it as Jared’s eyes widened in anger and hurt. Jared swallowed and slipped off the bed, searching through the pile of their clothes and pulling his boxers on. Jensen reached out a hand to touch his wrist, but Jared wrenched away from him and stalked toward the door.
“Where are you going?” Jensen asked.
“To sleep in the guest room,” Jared replied, voice brittle.
“Jared! Wait!” He scrambled after him only to have the door slam in his face. “Shit!” He banged his fist against it, then turned around and slid down the wall. Shit.
Jensen didn’t sleep at all that night and suspected Jared hadn’t either, based on the bruises under his eyes and the pinched set to his mouth. He hated to leave things like this right before Jared went on location for nine weeks, but Jared clearly didn’t want to talk about it, so he didn’t push him.
They spent the morning in silence, moving around each other awkwardly as Jared finished packing. After lunch, they collected the kids from Edna’s and drove to the airport. Jamie and Rachael bounced off the walls, hopped up on sugar and excitement about seeing “real live planes!” though they’d been inside plenty of airports over the years. Rachael kept up a constant stream of chatter, Jamie chiming in every once in awhile, about the chocolate pie they helped Edna bake, about how they put on their jammies early and watched movies and played games and Grandma Edna was so much fun but she wished her other grandmas lived closer, asked when they were going to Texas next, how far away Chicago was and how long Daddy was gonna be gone this time and on and on. Jensen thought his head might explode if he had that much inside him ready to burst out all the time.
Thankfully, the sugar high crashed about halfway to the airport, and they all fell asleep. But the atmosphere in the car grew even tenser, the silence thick between he and Jared. Jensen wanted to apologize, wondered if it would do any good, couldn’t bear to face nine weeks of separation with angry words between them, didn’t want Jared to think that was how he really felt about him, like a fuck-up and untrustworthy. Every time he opened his mouth, though, the words got caught in his throat.
Jamie roused enough when they arrived at LAX to walk on his own, but nothing short of the apocalypse ever woke Tessa. Jensen carried her and one of Jared’s bags, while Jared held a drowsy Rachael, till she wiggled and demanded to be put down. Jensen glanced behind him at Jamie, who insisted on lugging the big suitcase. The thing must weigh twice as much as him, but he handled it amazingly well. His baby boy was growing up. That both depressed him and made him proud.
Because of the strict safety regulations still in place, they said goodbye to Jared by the ticket counters. Jared crouched down to hug Jamie and Rachael, one burrowed into each of his shoulders, excitement gone and replaced by tears and trembling lips. Jared stroked their backs and held on tight, eyes squeezed shut and pain evident in every line of his body. Jensen almost sank to his knees and wrapped his arms around his family. He knew how much this hurt, that it never got any easier to walk away. He also understood, though, that Jared needed to share this moment with the kids without his interference.
Jared carefully schooled his features into a smile and backed up. “Hey now, it’s all right,” he said, brushing Rachael’s tears away. “It won’t be so bad. You guys are gonna come visit me in a few weeks. See some snow. That’ll be fun, right?”
Jamie smiled tentatively, and Rachael nodded. Jensen stepped closer, a silent reassurance that Jared may be leaving, but they’d still have a daddy at home, they wouldn’t be alone. Jared hugged them one last time and stood up, stopping in front of Jensen. He kissed Tessa’s cheek, big hand splayed across her tiny back. She whuffled quietly, rubbing her nose on Jensen’s chest, then settled.
“Call me when you get there?” he requested.
“Yeah. I always do, right?” His smile failed to reach his eyes.
“Jay?” He swallowed hard. Earlier he’d been happy to see Jared go, but now, faced with the reality of so long without him, he wished Jared could stay.
“Yeah?”
There was a beat where Jensen didn’t know what to say or do, then he grabbed the back of Jared’s head and pulled him down for a hard kiss. He expected Jared to fight him, but he kissed back, hand coming up to cup his cheek.
“I’m so sorry, okay?” Jensen murmured.
Jared sighed, thumb caressing his jaw line. “So am I.”
He kissed him again, short but fierce. “I love you.”
“I love you, too, Jen.”
Jensen choked back a whimper. He would forever be grateful there was no hesitation when Jared said that, no lie in his voice or uncertainty in his eyes. Jared kissed him this time, deep and wet and sure, then rested his forehead against Jensen’s, lips barely brushing his cheek.
“I have to go,” Jared said softly.
He wondered if he imagined the double meaning in that sentence. “Yeah, yeah, okay.”
One more kiss, then Jared shouldered his carry-on bag, smiled at the kids, and joined the end of the security line. Rachael hugged his leg, and Jamie wrapped his arms around his waist, burying his nose in Jensen’s stomach. Stroking Rachael’s hair, Jensen watched till Jared disappeared out of sight, then gently nudged the kids.
“Come on, guys. Let’s go home.”
Part 2