It's Not Easy
Title: It's Not Easy, part 2
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: R, for some swearing and mentions of boy touching
Word Count: 12,000+ in 2 parts
Disclaimer: I can only fantasize that this is really going on. Alas, it's not. Unless it is, and if so, I want photographic evidence, dammit!
Summary: After 12 years together, 3 kids, and 2 dogs - can Jared and Jensen withstand the pressures of family and career?
A/N 1: I worked on this sucker for months, and it never would've gotten done without my girl rain388. She badgered, she cheered, she yelled at me, she helped me work out the bugs, she gave me ideas. She's the best muse ever and my number one cheerleader and deserves a huge THANK YOU! *kisses*
A/N 2: I wrote a long story with a plot and pretty much no porn. Oh noes! :0
A/N 3: I also need to thank sweeter_melissa who smacked some sense into me when I needed it and encouraged me to post this somewhere other people could read it.
Part 1
Two days before Jensen and the kids came to visit him, they still didn’t have any snow. Odd, for November in Chicago. Jared hoped it wasn’t some kind of sign. The thought of their disappointment broke his heart. He called them every night, listened to Rachael babble about her friends and her new skirt, talked to Jamie about school, held one-sided conversations with Tessa, but he missed seeing their little faces. Jensen assured him they were all okay and doing all right, but these three weeks apart were tough. And Jensen, Jensen seemed to make a conscious effort to stay on neutral topics. The kids (“They miss you, but they’re fine.”), Jared’s movie (“Going pretty well. They haven’t fired me yet.”), Jensen’s latest callback (“I think I have this one, Jay. I think they like me.”). It was nice, not arguing, but sad, too. He could feel Jensen holding back.
Jared sighed and flopped down on the slightly uncomfortable couch in his rental house. “I hate being on location,” he muttered, rubbing his temple.
“I know, Jay, but you only have six weeks left. And we’ll be there Friday night,” Jensen replied gently.
“Yeah.”
“Jared, you-” He cut off with a loud “NO!” and a groan. “Sorry, Jay, gotta go. Your precious Angel just knocked over an end table.”
Jared snorted, not envying Jensen at all, and they hung up. He went to bed feeling a little better and woke up the next morning to a foot of snow on the ground. It snowed all day Thursday and most of Friday, and while everyone else on set grumbled and complained, Jared couldn’t stop grinning.
He was infinitely grateful for his height advantage when he went to the airport that night. The place was crowded, but he could clearly see the people streaming out, and they could see him. Jensen’s eyes lit up when he spotted Jared, and his smile practically split his face in two. Jared grinned back and started moving through the throngs of people. He found a little pocket of space and knelt down to gather Jamie and Rachael in his arms. Nothing, absolutely nothing beat their excited cries of “Daddy!” and the feel of their arms snaking around his neck in a fierce hug. He held on for a few minutes, then stood up and turned to Jensen and Tessa. Tessa reached out and launched herself at him, winding her arms around his neck and blowing raspberries onto his cheek.
“She’s still clingy, huh?” Jared asked, stating the obvious.
“Yeah,” Jensen replied. “It’s kinda worrying me.”
“Jamie was worse. Remember how he used to scream bloody murder every time we left the room?”
“Yeah.”
Jared pulled Tessa away from his face and settled her on his hip, leaning down to kiss Jensen softly. “Hey.”
“Hey yourself,” Jensen said, smiling crookedly at him.
“I am so glad to see you,” he whispered, smoothing his thumb along his jaw line.
“Me, too.”
“Ready to get out of here?”
“Definitely. Flying with three kids? Not exactly fun, even with Natalie’s help.”
Oh. Right. Natalie. Even Jensen wasn’t crazy enough to travel with three kids on his own, and having her there would allow them some alone time, which they really needed. He completely forgot about her, though, too intent on Jensen and the kids.
He reluctantly moved slightly away from Jensen. “Hi, Natalie.”
“Hi, Jared.” She looked at him with an amused smirk on her face, like she did every time she witnessed one of their sappy reunions.
Jared blushed and twined his fingers through Jensen’s. “Come on,” he muttered.
* * * * * *
“Go ‘way,” Jensen mumbled, rolling over and burying his head in Jared’s neck.
“But Daddy promised we could play in the snow today,” Rachael whined, tugging on their covers.
“It’s barely 7 a.m., sweet pea,” Jared told her.
“Please, Daddy?”
She pouted, and Jared swallowed a laugh as Jensen groaned. Between Rachael and the desire to sleep in, Rachael would always win with Jensen.
“All right, Rachael. Go get Jamie and Natalie up,” Jensen said.
“Okay!” She whooped and raced out of the room, then came back and planted a wet kiss on Jensen’s cheek. “Thanks, Daddy!”
“You didn’t have to do that,” Jared murmured when she left, running his fingers through the hair at the back of Jensen’s head.
“Yeah, I did.” Voice muffled by Jared’s neck, Jensen didn’t seem to be in any hurry to move. “I may hate snow after all those years in Vancouver, but it’s exciting and new to her.”
He sounded resigned, not just sleepy. After the smiley Jensen at the airport, he’d grown quiet and kinda melancholy and a lot more touchy-feely than normal, and it had Jared a little worried. “Come on, man. Lets go have a snowball fight!” he prodded, covering his concern. Jensen growled, grabbing Jared’s poking fingers, but he got up a few minutes later.
As it turned out, Jensen sucked at snow angels, so it fell to Jared to show their son and daughter the proper way. He banished Jensen to making misshapen snowmen with Tessa and Natalie and plopped down on his back between Jamie and Rachael. They mimicked his movements, slowly scissoring their legs and then their arms, the swishswish of their coats the only sound besides Tessa’s quiet shriek of joy as she knocked over her half-formed snowman.
“Now,” Jared said solemnly, “The important part, the really crucial part is standing up without ruining your masterpiece.” Jamie rolled his eyes in a gesture so like Jensen that it briefly froze Jared in place. Shaking his head, he sat up, then carefully got to his feet. “See, just like that!” He spread his arms in triumph, and heard Jensen snort. He flashed him a grin, clapping his hands together.
It took a few tries, but they got the technique down pretty quickly and proceeded to dot snow angels all over the backyard, giggling and arguing good naturedly about who had the best snow angels. Jared stayed with them for awhile, then joined Jensen in building an impressively tall snowman. It helped to be a freakish giant sometimes. He stole Jensen’s hat and Natalie’s scarf for the thing, to Natalie’s amusement and Jensen’s annoyance.
“Gimme my hat back, Jared!” he shouted, grabbing for it, but Jared raised his arm higher than he could reach.
“Nope. Snowman here needs it.”
“I need it! It’s freakin’ cold out here!”
“Cold, huh?” He set the hat on the snowman’s head and bent down to grab a handful of snow. Jensen’s eyes widened, and he took a step back, hands coming up defensively.
“Don’t! Jared, don’t even think about it!”
Jared’s snowball hit him in the middle of his chest. Jensen’s mouth fell open, and he made this adorable spluttering noise, hands flapping indignantly. Jared laughed, scooping up more snow, and dropped back on his ass when a snowball caught him on the forehead. He looked up, found Jensen laughing at him with a snowball in each hand.
“Oh, you so don’t wanna start this, Jen!” he called, wiping chunks of ice out of his bangs.
“You started it, dude!” Tossing one of the snowballs in his hand, he quirked an eyebrow at Jared.
Jared scrambled to his feet and launched his assault on Jensen, who took off across the yard, stopping every few moments to throw a snowball back at Jared. Man had a hell of an aim, and after the fifth snowball in the face, Jared picked up speed and tackled Jensen to the ground. Jensen crawled away, but he wrapped his arms around his legs and dragged him back, settling on top of him. Jensen tried to elbow him in the chin and missed, getting empty air instead. Grinning, Jared stuffed a handful of snow down Jensen’s shirt.
“Jesus Christ!” Jensen yelped, then giggled.
Jared hadn’t heard that sound out of Jensen in far too long, so he jammed more snow past his collar. Jensen bucked beneath him and giggled again. Jared leaned down and pressed his lips to the back of Jensen’s neck, a casual gesture missing from their relationship for awhile now. Jensen went absolutely still, cheek resting on the ground. Jared skimmed his lips down his neck, nosing aside the wet collar of his coat. Jensen’s shoulders started shaking, his noises muffled in his sleeve, so it was several minutes before Jared realized it wasn’t laughter. Jensen was crying, gut-wrenching, wracking sobs.
What the hell?
“Jen?” he asked softly, afraid to spook him. “Jen, what’s wrong?” Gently, he rolled Jensen over and blanched at the crumpled look on his face. “Come on, man, talk to me. Did I hurt you? What’s wrong?”
Jensen mumbled something vaguely sounding like “m’sorry,” which made no sense to him. Jared glanced up at Natalie, totally confused. She nodded, then gathered the kids up to go back inside. He smiled briefly in thanks and looked back down to Jensen.
“Come on, Jensen, tell me what’s wrong. Please?” He cupped his cheek with a gloved hand, stroking lightly over his cheekbone.
Jensen shuddered, exhaling harshly. He started small, hesitant, then gained momentum till everything came out in a garbled rush. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I’ve been an ass lately, and I don’t know why, but I’m so sorry. I’ll do better, I swear I will, I promise, just don’t leave me. I’m sorry, about everything. I’m so sorry. I’ll stop, I will, just don’t go. Please, don’t, don’t go, please, don’t leave me.”
Jared gaped at him, mouth open in shock as Jensen fell into a broken loop of don’tleavemedon’tleaveme. Where had all that come from? He mentally shook himself, snapped his mouth closed, and breathed a couple times through his nose. “Jensen?” he said cautiously. “I’m not going anywhere. I promise, I’m not going anywhere.”
Jensen ground to a sudden halt, panting, but he didn’t seem to really comprehend Jared’s words.
“Jen, look at me.” When he didn’t, Jared framed his face and tipped his head up. “Listen to me, all right? I’m not gonna leave you. I swear to God, I’m not going anywhere.”
Jensen blinked slowly, nodded even more slowly, then began crying even harder, his whole body trembling. Jared held on, tucking him in close to his chest, till he felt freezing cold water seeping into the knees of his jeans and realized most of Jensen’s shaking must be from laying on the frozen ground for so long. He got Jensen up and into the bedroom, stripped off his coat and wet clothes, bundled him into some dry sweats, and sat him on the end of the bed. Jensen endured it all in complete silence, wiping at his tears distractedly.
“Jensen?” He crouched in front of him, hands rubbing slow circles into Jensen’s thighs. “What- Why did you think I was gonna leave you?”
He licked his lips, stared at his feet for a minute before answering. “Things have been bad for awhile. And in the airport, you said I have to go, and I thought…” He trailed off, shrugging.
“Oh, Jen,” he sighed, closing his eyes briefly and shaking his head. “I didn’t want to miss my plane. I didn’t mean-”
“You’ve done it before,” Jensen interrupted, finally lifting his head. His eyes were swollen and bloodshot, puffy with more unshed tears. “When things got tough, you’ve run before.”
“I was a stupid, scared-shitless kid then, Jen! I know what I’ve got now.”
“Really?”
His skeptical yet hopeful tone was like a knife to Jared’s heart. “Yeah, really. You and the kids are the best thing that ever happened to me, Jen. I’m not gonna walk away from that, from you.”
“Okay. Okay. I just don’t want to lose you.”
“You won’t,” he whispered fiercely, leaning closer to rest his forehead against Jensen’s. “You won’t.”
He curled a hand in Jared’s hair, massaging gently. “But how can you forgive me? I really have been an ass lately.”
“Because I love you. We’ll get through this, Jensen. We always have.”
Jensen tugged him forward into a kiss, murmuring an “I love you” just before their lips touched. Yeah, they had a lot to work out, and it wouldn’t be easy, he had no idea what exactly caused Jensen’s breakdown, and he still seemed a bit fragile (though Jared never thought he’d describe Jensen that way), but they had this, they had each other. Jared could face anything as long as he had Jensen.
* * * * * *
Jensen finished recounting a rather dull story about Jamie’s upcoming field trip to the library and groaned at Jared’s “tell me something else.” He was beginning to hate that sentence. “I’ve been talking for the last hour and a half, about some really random, stupid shit,” he complained.
“I know. I just wanna hear it all. I don’t wanna miss anything,” Jared admitted.
Jensen sighed so hard he almost dislodged Tessa, who currently slept on top of him. After fussing most of the day with an earache, the only way he could calm her down was to walk endless laps around the living room or hold her against his chest like this. She whined a little and rubbed her ear, so he stroked her back till her breathing evened out once more.
“I get it, Jared, I do,” he said. “But my throat hurts, and I’m about to lose my voice.”
“Okay.” Jared paused, then asked, “Hey, Jen? Whatcha wearing?”
“My old-” Wait. “Dude, we are not having phone sex!”
“You’re no fun, Jen. Where’s your sense of adventure?” he pouted.
“I have your daughter curled up on my chest right now. We are not having phone sex!”
“All right, all right.”
“You talk to me. How’s the movie going? How’s Clooney?”
“It’s good, great.” He sighed, and Jensen could imagine him rubbing his temples like he always did when he worried. “It’s overwhelming. These guys are so good. I feel like I have to really step it up with them. It’s kinda scary.”
“You’re just as good as they are, Jay. You don’t have to prove anything.”
“Yeah, I know. It just doesn’t always feel like it.”
“It can’t all be so bad. Aren’t you having any fun?”
“Of course. If nothing else, I’ve taught everyone a thing or two about pulling the best pranks.”
Jensen laughed. “Yeah?”
He listened as Jared told him about some of the pranks, relieved to change the subject from Jared’s perceived inadequacies. It wasn’t like him at all to get so down- about his acting, about himself, about anything, really. Things had been a lot better between them since his complete breakdown (and their subsequent talks) in Chicago, but Jared still didn’t seem entirely himself. For now, though, Jensen forgot all that, let Jared’s voice wash over him, let his low, rumbling laugh soothe the anxiety and weariness from dealing with a sick Tessa and two other rambunctious kids all day. He only partly paid attention to the actual words, his eyes slowly drifting closed. This was better than the news, which he planned to watch before Jared called, or the book he had open beside him on the bed, which he’d tried to read all week without much luck. Jared was better than just about everything.
Suddenly, Jared fell silent. Jensen guessed mid-sentence, but he couldn’t be sure. “Jay?”
“I can’t do this anymore,” Jared murmured softly.
He immediately went into panic mode, even though he was sure, he knew in the back of his mind that Jared didn’t mean them. But all he could think of was the last time he said that, the last time he ripped out his heart and walked away.
“I can’t do this anymore,” Jared stated, voice flat and emotionless.
“Do what?” Jensen asked, though he feared the answer.
Jared stared at his hands, the ceiling, a random spot on the wall, everywhere but at Jensen. Finally, he lifted his head to chin level and answered, “This. Us. Any of it.” He waved his hand vaguely, encompassing the room and Jensen and everything around him. “It’s too hard, Jensen, and I just- I can’t do it anymore.”
He watched him walk out, fighting back the stupid tears stinging his eyes, convinced they were over. It took two months, of convincing himself he didn’t care, that he could live without Jared, that he could move on. It took Jared showing up at his door in the middle of the night, near tears and apologizing, asking for another chance. It took another few weeks for Jensen to trust him again and even longer for him to no longer worry he’d leave again.
Jensen came back to the present with a jolt, heart thundering in his ears so loud he almost missed what Jared said next.
“Being on location sucks, and I can’t do it anymore. I can’t be away from you guys for so long.”
“Jared-”
“I miss you. I miss the kids and the dogs and the house.”
“I understand that, Jay. I’ve gone through the same thing. And I miss you, too, but going on location is part of the job.”
“Not necessarily. I’ve been talking to my agent about doing a pilot for the fall. I think I’ll tell her to send me the best scripts.”
“Are you sure you want to go back to TV?”
“If it means staying in LA and being able to raise my kids and see you everyday? Yeah, I’m sure. I miss you guys. My family is more important to me than any movie could ever be, Jen.”
“Yeah,” Jensen said, and the cold knot of fear that’d twisted him up the past few months loosened and melted away.
* * * * * *
Edna rinsed another dish and handed it over to Jensen to put in the dishwasher. Jensen smiled at her. “You know, I didn’t invite you over for lunch so you could do all the work,” he said.
She shrugged and grabbed another plate. “I don’t mind. I like to cook and clean. And I know how busy you’ve been with Jared gone.”
“Thanks anyway.”
“Of course, dear.”
Really, he’d invited her over to distract Tessa. She’d recovered amazingly well from her earache the previous day and was driving him a little nuts, getting into everything and demanding his attention every second. He couldn’t get anything done, not with Tessa whining to be picked up or hanging off his leg. A trip to the park hadn’t helped at all, so, desperate, he called Edna and invited her over. It worked while they ate, spaghetti that Edna brought over, Tessa concentrating almost comically on slurping each individual noodle into her mouth, smearing sauce from her hairline down the front of her t-shirt. The trouble started when he tried to change her clothes, and she squirmed so much he eventually gave up and let her run around in her diaper.
He was feeling a little out of his depth. Dealing with a 10-month old was something new for them, since Rachael was two when they adopted her and Jamie was over a year old. And Jamie had been far less ornery than Tessa. He still was, really, serious and content to read or play with the dogs, while Rachael babbled incessantly (a lot like Jared, actually) and Tessa craved constant attention.
“Dada!” Tessa crawled over and sat on his foot, beaming up at him, then used his pants leg to pull herself up to a standing position. “Dada!”
She was getting really close to taking her first steps. He hoped she waited till Jared came home. They’d lost out on seeing a lot of those little firsts with Jamie and Rachael, and Jared already felt horrible enough about missing simple things like Jamie’s field trip. Jensen would hate for him to miss something so important. And he also knew, once Tessa started walking, she’d be even more of a terror.
“Hey, baby girl.” He dropped a hand to the top of her head, and she pressed her face against his leg, hugging him tightly. She still had spaghetti sauce in her fine dark hair. Jensen sighed and took the plate Edna passed him.
“That one’s a pistol, isn’t she?” Edna asked, smiling.
“You could say that,” he replied wryly.
“My oldest was like that. She turned out pretty well.”
“Thanks.” He’d believe that more if Tessa didn’t start messing with the dirty dishes. He sighed again. He couldn’t wait till Jared got home, for many reasons, but he wanted reinforcements. Picking Tessa up, he grabbed a couple crackers off the counter and settled her back in the highchair, hoping to keep her out of trouble for at least five minutes. “Be good, okay?” he told her. She just smashed a cracker with her fist and giggled.
Jensen closed his eyes and prayed for patience.
“Have you heard from Jared lately?” Edna asked, placing the last plate in the dishwasher.
“Yeah, just last night.” They’d stayed on the phone till Jared literally fell asleep while talking, his voice drifting off and his breathing growing more even.
“How’s he doing?”
“Good. Missing home and worrying too much about not being good enough for George Clooney.”
“He needn’t worry about that. He’s an amazing actor.”
“I know, but it’s like beating my head against I brick wall whenever I try to tell him that.”
She was silent a moment, before turning to face him. “And how are things between you and Jared?” Her tone was carefully measured, a shrewd look in her kind eyes.
“Better,” he admitted, not exactly surprised by her insight. Edna was a perceptive lady. He leaned against the counter, crossing his arms. “A lot better. Great,” he amended, grinning. Her expression changed, this odd mixture he couldn’t make out. “What’s that look for?”
“Your Jared smile. I haven’t seen it in awhile.”
“My what?”
“Whenever you look at Jared or talk about him, you get this smile on your face. Your Jared smile, that you save only for him. It’s been absent for quite some time, but I didn’t feel it was my place to say anything about it. But just now, seeing it again, I hoped it meant you were all right.”
He had a Jared smile? Thank God, Jared never noticed, or he’d forever make fun of him.
“We were having…issues,” he told her, not giving details, mainly because he still had no idea what brought about all their arguing to begin with. “We worked them out when the kids and I went to Chicago. Things are definitely better now, still not perfect, of course, but they’re…easier.”
“Good. I’m glad, Jensen. I’d hate to see anything happen to you kids.”
“He’s coming home in a couple weeks. I don’t think I’ve ever missed him this much or wanted to see him so badly, not even that first time I left to shoot a movie or when he almost didn’t make it home for Jamie’s birthday a few years ago.”
Edna crossed the kitchen and stood on tiptoe to kiss his cheek. “You kids will be all right.”
Jensen smiled and kissed Edna lightly on the lips. “Thanks.”
“Oh, you!” Blushing fiercely, she swatted his arm, then unnecessarily adjusted her short gray hair.
A couple months ago, it seemed impossible that they’d be okay, but now, with Jared coming home soon, and home to stay, he knew it was the truth.
* * * * * *
Jared paid the cab driver and grabbed all his bags. He was dead tired, stumbling a little on the uneven sidewalk leading up to their house, but he couldn’t keep the stupid grin off his face. He was so freaking happy to be home.
The first thing he saw when he unlocked the door and walked inside was a giant banner with WELCOME HOME DADDY!! (JARED) in huge block letters. Multi-colored streamers and balloons framed it. Smiling, Jared dumped his stuff inside the door, kicked off his shoes, and looked around. He’d expected Jensen and the kids to greet him at the door with hugs and kisses, but no one was there. And on closer inspection, he noticed the banner was listing a little. He crossed to the kitchen and found it a complete mess- dirty dishes everywhere, food still sitting out, but it was burned and looked inedible.
What the hell?
He stood still for a moment, taking everything in, wondering if he accidentally walked into the Twilight Zone or something. It was quiet, eerily quiet, and Jensen never let a mess like that go for long. They knew he was coming home tonight, so where was everyone?
The click of nails on the tile floor proceeded Angel as she padded into the kitchen. Bumping the back of his knee, she let out a muffled bark. “Hey, girl,” he murmured, kneeling down to bury his hands in the thick fur around her neck. She stuck her nose in his ear and wagged her tail against his leg. “What happened, huh, girl?” he asked, but she just licked his nose and wagged her tail harder. She was way more subdued than usual, though. She normally knocked him over with her enthusiastic barking and jumped all over him, excited to see him after being gone for so long.
Even more worried now, he got back up and headed toward the bedrooms, searching for Jensen and the kids. Angel followed, heeling him closely. “Jen?” he called quietly, not wanting to break the silence for some reason. No one answered, unsurprisingly. He ducked his head into each of the kids’ rooms, but they were empty. When he opened the door to their room and discovered everyone piled on the bed, he let out a sigh and sagged in relief. As he got closer, though, he realized things maybe weren’t so good.
Jamie was curled up against Jensen’s side, lines of pain etched on his forehead, sweaty hair pushed back from his face. Rachael lay on Jensen’s other side, half asleep with her thumb in her mouth. Tessa was flat out on Rachael’s other side, and Maya was stretched out on Jensen’s feet. Jensen himself was half asleep, mindlessly rubbing Jamie’s back.
Frowning slightly, Jared moved closer and gently kissed Jensen on the lips. Jensen opened his eyes slowly, looking confused till he focused on Jared. “Hey.” Jared smiled, then asked, “What happened?”
“Jamie got sick,” Jensen said softly. He glanced around and back to Jared. “What time is it?”
“After 10.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. My plane got delayed. Didn’t you get my message?”
“No, sorry. I’ve been kinda distracted.”
“It’s okay, Jen. Maybe we should get these guys into there own beds.”
“Yeah, okay.”
Jensen started to get up, but he stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. “Stay. I’ll do it.”
“Sure?”
He cupped Jensen’s jaw and kissed him lightly. “Yeah. Let me do it, please?”
Jensen nodded, smiling gratefully, and settled back down. Jared put Tessa to bed first, who stayed asleep, of course, and didn’t budge at all. She’d slept through the night her very first night home, and Jared was always appreciative of her superior sleeping skills. Rachael latched onto his neck and claimed she wasn’t sleepy at all, but rolled over with her butt in the air and was out before he could even cover her up. Jamie stirred a little when Jared picked him up, arms hanging loosely over Jared’s shoulders. Feeling his forehead, Jared winced. Jamie was burning up, and it suddenly hit Jared how small, how vulnerable Jamie still was. Sometimes, it still shocked him that he was responsible for these three lives. It made him even surer about staying home with his family from now on.
“M’sorry I ruined your party, Daddy,” Jamie apologized as Jared set him down on the bed.
Jared’s heart stuttered at that. “Oh, baby, you didn’t ruin anything. Just feel better, okay?”
Jamie nodded, his eyes drooping heavily. “You want some juice or something?”
“Apple juice,” he mumbled and turned his face into the pillow.
Jared grabbed some juice and a cool washcloth, which his mom always did for him when he had a fever. Jamie took the juice gratefully, then burrowed into the covers. Sitting on the edge of the bed, Jared put a hand on Jamie’s back and watched till he fell asleep, then kissed his cheek.
He went back to their room. Jensen was sitting cross-legged on the bed, looking more alert. Jared joined him. “So, ya gonna tell me what exactly happened here?”
Jensen scrubbed a hand over his face and shrugged. “We wanted to fix you a special dinner to welcome you home. The kids picked everything out, helped me decorate and cook. But Jamie got steadily quieter, kinda listless. It’s hard to tell sometimes with Jamie, ya know? He’s not especially talkative anyway. But I did notice eventually and asked him if he was all right, and he proceeded to throw up on Rachael’s feet. Of course, that made her hysterical. So, I had Jamie getting sick and Rachael crying and the dogs trying to clean up the mess and Tessa getting in the middle of everything. I didn’t know which problem to tackle first. I got the dogs to go outside, sat Jamie in a chair with a bowl in case he threw up again, and picked up Rachael and Tessa. I put Tessa in her crib, just to keep her out of trouble, ya know, then cleaned up and changed Rachael. Jamie was kinda swaying in the chair when I got back to the kitchen. I took care of him, but he didn’t want to be by himself, and Rachael was still upset, so I let them crawl into bed with me. The dogs whined to come back in, and Tessa started fussing, and I didn’t wanna deal with the fight of keeping her in bed. It was easier to let everyone pile in here. That was a few hours ago, I guess.”
“Aw, Jensen, I’m sorry.”
“Why? Not your fault.”
“I know, but, Jen, you shouldn’t have had to deal with that on your own.”
Jensen shrugged again. “It wasn’t like that the whole time you were in Chicago. I’ve just had some rough days.”
“You still shouldn’t have to deal with that alone, and you won’t anymore,” he promised. “Besides, I didn’t need a special dinner. I’m just glad I’m home.”
Jensen smiled at him, and Jared smiled back, rubbing a finger over Jensen’s cheek. Jensen looked beat, eyes red and puffy, shoulders slumped a little, hair sticking out at odd angles. But more than that, he seemed really glad to have him back, if the desire darkening his eyes and hand sliding up Jared’s thigh was anything to go by. Tugging him closer, Jared kissed him, slower this time and deep, feeling like he was finally home, with Jensen’s mouth on his and Jensen unbuckling his belt. And he didn’t plan to leave again for a long time.
* * * * *
Jensen trudged behind Jared and Jamie, trying not to frown too deeply. Christmas tree shopping with these two was an exercise in patience, and he was rapidly losing the fight. They’d been looking for hours, maybe even days. He just wanted to pick something and go home, but Jared and Jamie took this all very seriously and wouldn’t rush. This was Jamie’s favorite time of the year, and he wore a perpetual smile for the entire month of December. Jensen hated to be a killjoy, but really, enough was enough.
“Hey, hey, hey. No throwing, Tessa!” Jensen grabbed Tessa’s arm before she could throw the pinecone in her hand. She pouted up at him and stomped her little foot. He simply raised an eyebrow, and she dropped the pinecone.
“Sorry, Daddy,” Rachael told him. “She had it before I could stop her.”
“It’s okay, baby.” Smiling, he tugged gently on her ponytail. “Maybe you can show her how to kick them instead?”
“Like in soccer?”
“Yeah, like in soccer.”
Jensen watched them for a few minutes as Rachael patiently demonstrated the proper soccer kick to her little sister. Tessa wobbled unsteadily, tongue poking out in concentration, and managed to toe a pinecone a few feet. She only started walking a couple weeks ago (two days after Jared got home and right into Jared’s waiting arms) and stubbornly insisted on no one carrying her until she listed from exhaustion like a drunk person. She seemed all right for now, though, so he turned to where Jared and Jamie stood silently contemplating the endless line of pine trees.
“How about this one?” Jensen suggested, pointing randomly. Years of his life had disappeared by now, right?
Jared and Jamie exchanged a look, and Jamie said solemnly, “The branches are all bent funny, Daddy!”
Like bent branches were a tragedy worse than death.
Jensen sighed. “Does it really matter? We’ll be in Texas for most of Christmas anyway.”
“Of course it matters!” Jared exclaimed, looking affronted. “We’ll be home for part of it. And this is Tessa’s first Christmas!”
He had a point, and it wasn’t as if Jensen was trying to rob his kids of their precious holiday memories or anything. He just didn’t think choosing a tree required such an in-depth, scientific method. But this was important to Jamie, so he sucked it up.
“All right, no more bent branches. Anything else I should look out for?” he asked.
Jamie beamed up at him and slipped his hand into Jensen’s. “Come on, Daddy. I’ll show you.”
He let Jamie drag him down the path while Jared went back to herd Rachael and Tessa along. Twenty minutes later, Jensen smiled as the owner finished tying the enormous tree to the hood of their SUV. The top would nearly brush their eight-foot ceiling. He hoped there was enough room to put the star on top. Tessa had fallen asleep in Jared’s arms, but Jamie and Rachael were wired from hot chocolate and excitement. They sang Christmas carols the whole way home, at least when they weren’t listing everything they wanted Santa to bring them, which pretty much consisted of the entire Toys R Us catalogue. Jensen smiled; he remembered doing the same thing at their age. Their grandparents spoiled them, of course, but he and Jared agreed not to buy them everything they asked for. They didn’t want their kids to become the typical Hollywood spoiled brats. Another reason why they moved to Ainsley instead of staying in LA.
When they got home, he and Jared wrestled the tree into the house, with Jamie and Rachael shouting “helpful” hints from the sidelines. It luckily fit in their living room, with plenty of space for the star. They had about a million decorations for the tree and house, and Jamie insisted on putting every last thing up every year, including the sad and decrepit ornaments he and Jared made as kids and a seriously creepy Santa statue Mike gave them a few years back. Jared turned on some holiday music, and he and the kids started singing and dancing as they decorated the tree, their hyper bouncing partly aided by the cookies Edna sent over. Jensen shook his head and winced. Jared couldn’t carry a tune if you strapped it to his back, but at least his kids had decent voices.
“Daddy, those aren’t the right words!” Rachael scolded Jared, hands on her hips. Apparently, “Jingle Bells” was serious business, and she didn’t appreciate his random lyrics.
Jared just grinned and stuck a bow on top of her head.
Jensen watched from his spot on the couch, unpacking all the boxes and surreptitiously hiding the fugliest reindeer ever (He was a terrible artist as a six-year-old.). He also kept an eye on Tessa, where she colored in the corner, mashed cookie in one hand and crayon in the other. Maya and Angel hovered nearby, hoping for some crumbs, but Tessa wasn’t giving up that cookie for anything. He got bored, though, just sorting through everything and eventually joined them by the tree. Jared glanced at him, a little startled, then grinned and hung a candy cane over Jensen’s ear. Smiling, Jensen rolled his eyes and playfully bumped Jared out of the way with his shoulder. By the time they emptied the last box of decorations, the tree looked more red and gold and silver than green, and the branches drooped from all the weight.
“Ready to do the star, kiddo?” Jared asked Jamie.
He nodded enthusiastically, so Jared picked him up. The silver star was starting to look tarnished after all these years, but no one ever considered replacing it. Jared had given it to Jensen the first Christmas after they moved in together, and it went on the tree every year without fail. The kids took turns putting it on the tree every year now. It would probably be Tessa’s first time next year.
Later, after they managed to calm the kids down and get them to bed, he and Jared went back to the living room and sacked out on the couch, leaving all the lights off except for those on the tree. Jensen lay with his back to the couch arm, and Jared had his head in Jensen’s lap as Jensen combed his hands through his hair. They were both half asleep, but hadn’t made any moves to get up. It was totally sappy and kinda stupid, but this was the first time Jensen felt like it was really Christmas, despite spending all day looking for a tree and decorating the house.
Suddenly, Jared asked, “Do you remember our first Christmas, when I took you home to Texas with me?”
“Yeah. Your mom kept trying to feed me and fatten me up, and your dad actually sat me down for The Talk and told me not to hurt his boy.”
Jared snorted. “Mama just doesn’t get that not everyone eats like a Padalecki.”
“What? Three times as much as a normal person and twice as fast?”
Jared lightly pinched Jensen’s thigh. After a moment, he continued with whatever point he wanted to make. “We’d only been together for a few months then, really together anyway, and I was so proud to show you off. ‘My boyfriend’s hotter than your boyfriend!’” he said in a singsong voice.
“You’re such a giant dork,” Jensen told him affectionately, rubbing his thumb over Jared’s temple.
“Shut up. You know you love it.”
“Yeah. I do.”
Jared turned over and knelt between Jensen’s legs, then leaned forward to kiss him, soft and slow at first, but Jensen soon deepened the kiss. He fisted Jared’s shirt and pulled him closer, tongues sliding wet and slick against each other. Jared tasted like eggnog and mint, and Jensen just wanted more, never wanted to stop, because their kisses felt different now- not absentminded pecks as someone left the house, not done out of obligation or routine. These kisses were free, full of need and desire. Jensen sank into, and Jared pressed closer, bracing his hands on the couch by Jensen’s head. He knew this couldn’t go any farther, not out in the living room where the kids could wander in at any time, but he couldn’t help bunching up Jared’s shirt a little and running his hands up and down his broad back. Jared smiled against his lips, and Jensen finally let go of all the tension from the past several months.
* * * * *
Jared sat cross-legged on the floor across from Jamie and Rachael, Tessa in his lap. The Candyland board lay between them, Jamie’s yellow piece currently in the lead. Rachael drew a card and whooped excitedly.
“Gum Drop Mountain! Hand over the candy, Daddy!” she said, bouncing on her knees and holding out her hand.
“Let me see the card first. You might be cheating,” Jared replied, eyeing her suspiciously.
“I’m not! See!” She showed him the card and flapped her empty hand.
“All right, sweet pea. Here.” He placed three gumdrops in her palm from the pile to his left.
Both Jamie and Rachael had taken to Jared’s version of Candyland without any hesitation. As they should. Candyland was a lot more fun when you got to eat candy every time you drew one of the special cards. Jensen looked horrified when he first suggested it, obviously imagining three kids with sugar highs running around the house, but Jared promised to stay up with them that night till they crashed. Jensen, mollified, helped him gather the required treats.
“She got the last one, too,” Jamie pouted, crossing his arms.
It was such a Jensen pose, Jared had to bite his lip to keep from laughing. “Sorry, baby. It’s the luck of the draw. You’re still in the lead.”
“Yeah, I guess.”
Jared, meanwhile, was dead last, mainly because Tessa was helping him, though “helping” probably stretched the truth a bit. She pretty much just ate all his candy and smeared the cards with her sticky hands.
“Your turn, Jamie.”
While Jamie picked his card, Jared glanced over to the couch, where Jensen lay with the newest edition to their family, a two-month-old, all-gray kitten named William the Conqueror (thanks to Jamie’s favorite subject, history). Jensen paid absolutely no attention to the intense game going on, all his focus on the tiny kitten currently curled up on his chest, licking his chin. William was technically Rachael’s pet, a Christmas present from her Grandma and Grandpa Padalecki, but Jensen spent more time with him than anyone else did. Jared knew it was completely ridiculous to be jealous over a cat, but Jensen was kinda in love with the thing and ignoring him in favor of petting a kitten.
“Jen, come play with us,” Jared suggested.
“Nah, I’m good here,” Jensen answered, scratching William under the chin.
“Aw, come on,” he pleaded, throwing in the puppy dog eyes, which did no good, since Jensen didn’t even look in his direction. Stupid cat.
They finished their game (Jamie won, so he got to choose five pieces of his favorite candy.) and started a new one. This time Jensen joined them, sitting beside Jamie, though he held the kitten the whole time. Jared rolled his eyes but couldn’t stop from smiling. Until Jensen swiped a candy cane from right under Jared’s nose. He glared at him in mock outrage, and Jensen smiled, leaning over to kiss the frown off his face. It caught him off guard, not yet completely used to having the familiarity back between them. After he got home from Chicago, things were still a little rough, so much better than before, but they still had their moments. Once he proved he was serious about getting TV work and that he wasn’t going anywhere, Jensen relaxed, and they were able to resolve a lot of their problems. It still wasn’t perfect, no relationship could be, but they were gonna make it. He never questioned that, not even when things had been at their worst.
It wasn’t always easy, but it was worth it. It was definitely worth it.
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: R, for some swearing and mentions of boy touching
Word Count: 12,000+ in 2 parts
Disclaimer: I can only fantasize that this is really going on. Alas, it's not. Unless it is, and if so, I want photographic evidence, dammit!
Summary: After 12 years together, 3 kids, and 2 dogs - can Jared and Jensen withstand the pressures of family and career?
A/N 1: I worked on this sucker for months, and it never would've gotten done without my girl rain388. She badgered, she cheered, she yelled at me, she helped me work out the bugs, she gave me ideas. She's the best muse ever and my number one cheerleader and deserves a huge THANK YOU! *kisses*
A/N 2: I wrote a long story with a plot and pretty much no porn. Oh noes! :0
A/N 3: I also need to thank sweeter_melissa who smacked some sense into me when I needed it and encouraged me to post this somewhere other people could read it.
Part 1
Two days before Jensen and the kids came to visit him, they still didn’t have any snow. Odd, for November in Chicago. Jared hoped it wasn’t some kind of sign. The thought of their disappointment broke his heart. He called them every night, listened to Rachael babble about her friends and her new skirt, talked to Jamie about school, held one-sided conversations with Tessa, but he missed seeing their little faces. Jensen assured him they were all okay and doing all right, but these three weeks apart were tough. And Jensen, Jensen seemed to make a conscious effort to stay on neutral topics. The kids (“They miss you, but they’re fine.”), Jared’s movie (“Going pretty well. They haven’t fired me yet.”), Jensen’s latest callback (“I think I have this one, Jay. I think they like me.”). It was nice, not arguing, but sad, too. He could feel Jensen holding back.
Jared sighed and flopped down on the slightly uncomfortable couch in his rental house. “I hate being on location,” he muttered, rubbing his temple.
“I know, Jay, but you only have six weeks left. And we’ll be there Friday night,” Jensen replied gently.
“Yeah.”
“Jared, you-” He cut off with a loud “NO!” and a groan. “Sorry, Jay, gotta go. Your precious Angel just knocked over an end table.”
Jared snorted, not envying Jensen at all, and they hung up. He went to bed feeling a little better and woke up the next morning to a foot of snow on the ground. It snowed all day Thursday and most of Friday, and while everyone else on set grumbled and complained, Jared couldn’t stop grinning.
He was infinitely grateful for his height advantage when he went to the airport that night. The place was crowded, but he could clearly see the people streaming out, and they could see him. Jensen’s eyes lit up when he spotted Jared, and his smile practically split his face in two. Jared grinned back and started moving through the throngs of people. He found a little pocket of space and knelt down to gather Jamie and Rachael in his arms. Nothing, absolutely nothing beat their excited cries of “Daddy!” and the feel of their arms snaking around his neck in a fierce hug. He held on for a few minutes, then stood up and turned to Jensen and Tessa. Tessa reached out and launched herself at him, winding her arms around his neck and blowing raspberries onto his cheek.
“She’s still clingy, huh?” Jared asked, stating the obvious.
“Yeah,” Jensen replied. “It’s kinda worrying me.”
“Jamie was worse. Remember how he used to scream bloody murder every time we left the room?”
“Yeah.”
Jared pulled Tessa away from his face and settled her on his hip, leaning down to kiss Jensen softly. “Hey.”
“Hey yourself,” Jensen said, smiling crookedly at him.
“I am so glad to see you,” he whispered, smoothing his thumb along his jaw line.
“Me, too.”
“Ready to get out of here?”
“Definitely. Flying with three kids? Not exactly fun, even with Natalie’s help.”
Oh. Right. Natalie. Even Jensen wasn’t crazy enough to travel with three kids on his own, and having her there would allow them some alone time, which they really needed. He completely forgot about her, though, too intent on Jensen and the kids.
He reluctantly moved slightly away from Jensen. “Hi, Natalie.”
“Hi, Jared.” She looked at him with an amused smirk on her face, like she did every time she witnessed one of their sappy reunions.
Jared blushed and twined his fingers through Jensen’s. “Come on,” he muttered.
* * * * * *
“Go ‘way,” Jensen mumbled, rolling over and burying his head in Jared’s neck.
“But Daddy promised we could play in the snow today,” Rachael whined, tugging on their covers.
“It’s barely 7 a.m., sweet pea,” Jared told her.
“Please, Daddy?”
She pouted, and Jared swallowed a laugh as Jensen groaned. Between Rachael and the desire to sleep in, Rachael would always win with Jensen.
“All right, Rachael. Go get Jamie and Natalie up,” Jensen said.
“Okay!” She whooped and raced out of the room, then came back and planted a wet kiss on Jensen’s cheek. “Thanks, Daddy!”
“You didn’t have to do that,” Jared murmured when she left, running his fingers through the hair at the back of Jensen’s head.
“Yeah, I did.” Voice muffled by Jared’s neck, Jensen didn’t seem to be in any hurry to move. “I may hate snow after all those years in Vancouver, but it’s exciting and new to her.”
He sounded resigned, not just sleepy. After the smiley Jensen at the airport, he’d grown quiet and kinda melancholy and a lot more touchy-feely than normal, and it had Jared a little worried. “Come on, man. Lets go have a snowball fight!” he prodded, covering his concern. Jensen growled, grabbing Jared’s poking fingers, but he got up a few minutes later.
As it turned out, Jensen sucked at snow angels, so it fell to Jared to show their son and daughter the proper way. He banished Jensen to making misshapen snowmen with Tessa and Natalie and plopped down on his back between Jamie and Rachael. They mimicked his movements, slowly scissoring their legs and then their arms, the swishswish of their coats the only sound besides Tessa’s quiet shriek of joy as she knocked over her half-formed snowman.
“Now,” Jared said solemnly, “The important part, the really crucial part is standing up without ruining your masterpiece.” Jamie rolled his eyes in a gesture so like Jensen that it briefly froze Jared in place. Shaking his head, he sat up, then carefully got to his feet. “See, just like that!” He spread his arms in triumph, and heard Jensen snort. He flashed him a grin, clapping his hands together.
It took a few tries, but they got the technique down pretty quickly and proceeded to dot snow angels all over the backyard, giggling and arguing good naturedly about who had the best snow angels. Jared stayed with them for awhile, then joined Jensen in building an impressively tall snowman. It helped to be a freakish giant sometimes. He stole Jensen’s hat and Natalie’s scarf for the thing, to Natalie’s amusement and Jensen’s annoyance.
“Gimme my hat back, Jared!” he shouted, grabbing for it, but Jared raised his arm higher than he could reach.
“Nope. Snowman here needs it.”
“I need it! It’s freakin’ cold out here!”
“Cold, huh?” He set the hat on the snowman’s head and bent down to grab a handful of snow. Jensen’s eyes widened, and he took a step back, hands coming up defensively.
“Don’t! Jared, don’t even think about it!”
Jared’s snowball hit him in the middle of his chest. Jensen’s mouth fell open, and he made this adorable spluttering noise, hands flapping indignantly. Jared laughed, scooping up more snow, and dropped back on his ass when a snowball caught him on the forehead. He looked up, found Jensen laughing at him with a snowball in each hand.
“Oh, you so don’t wanna start this, Jen!” he called, wiping chunks of ice out of his bangs.
“You started it, dude!” Tossing one of the snowballs in his hand, he quirked an eyebrow at Jared.
Jared scrambled to his feet and launched his assault on Jensen, who took off across the yard, stopping every few moments to throw a snowball back at Jared. Man had a hell of an aim, and after the fifth snowball in the face, Jared picked up speed and tackled Jensen to the ground. Jensen crawled away, but he wrapped his arms around his legs and dragged him back, settling on top of him. Jensen tried to elbow him in the chin and missed, getting empty air instead. Grinning, Jared stuffed a handful of snow down Jensen’s shirt.
“Jesus Christ!” Jensen yelped, then giggled.
Jared hadn’t heard that sound out of Jensen in far too long, so he jammed more snow past his collar. Jensen bucked beneath him and giggled again. Jared leaned down and pressed his lips to the back of Jensen’s neck, a casual gesture missing from their relationship for awhile now. Jensen went absolutely still, cheek resting on the ground. Jared skimmed his lips down his neck, nosing aside the wet collar of his coat. Jensen’s shoulders started shaking, his noises muffled in his sleeve, so it was several minutes before Jared realized it wasn’t laughter. Jensen was crying, gut-wrenching, wracking sobs.
What the hell?
“Jen?” he asked softly, afraid to spook him. “Jen, what’s wrong?” Gently, he rolled Jensen over and blanched at the crumpled look on his face. “Come on, man, talk to me. Did I hurt you? What’s wrong?”
Jensen mumbled something vaguely sounding like “m’sorry,” which made no sense to him. Jared glanced up at Natalie, totally confused. She nodded, then gathered the kids up to go back inside. He smiled briefly in thanks and looked back down to Jensen.
“Come on, Jensen, tell me what’s wrong. Please?” He cupped his cheek with a gloved hand, stroking lightly over his cheekbone.
Jensen shuddered, exhaling harshly. He started small, hesitant, then gained momentum till everything came out in a garbled rush. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I’ve been an ass lately, and I don’t know why, but I’m so sorry. I’ll do better, I swear I will, I promise, just don’t leave me. I’m sorry, about everything. I’m so sorry. I’ll stop, I will, just don’t go. Please, don’t, don’t go, please, don’t leave me.”
Jared gaped at him, mouth open in shock as Jensen fell into a broken loop of don’tleavemedon’tleaveme. Where had all that come from? He mentally shook himself, snapped his mouth closed, and breathed a couple times through his nose. “Jensen?” he said cautiously. “I’m not going anywhere. I promise, I’m not going anywhere.”
Jensen ground to a sudden halt, panting, but he didn’t seem to really comprehend Jared’s words.
“Jen, look at me.” When he didn’t, Jared framed his face and tipped his head up. “Listen to me, all right? I’m not gonna leave you. I swear to God, I’m not going anywhere.”
Jensen blinked slowly, nodded even more slowly, then began crying even harder, his whole body trembling. Jared held on, tucking him in close to his chest, till he felt freezing cold water seeping into the knees of his jeans and realized most of Jensen’s shaking must be from laying on the frozen ground for so long. He got Jensen up and into the bedroom, stripped off his coat and wet clothes, bundled him into some dry sweats, and sat him on the end of the bed. Jensen endured it all in complete silence, wiping at his tears distractedly.
“Jensen?” He crouched in front of him, hands rubbing slow circles into Jensen’s thighs. “What- Why did you think I was gonna leave you?”
He licked his lips, stared at his feet for a minute before answering. “Things have been bad for awhile. And in the airport, you said I have to go, and I thought…” He trailed off, shrugging.
“Oh, Jen,” he sighed, closing his eyes briefly and shaking his head. “I didn’t want to miss my plane. I didn’t mean-”
“You’ve done it before,” Jensen interrupted, finally lifting his head. His eyes were swollen and bloodshot, puffy with more unshed tears. “When things got tough, you’ve run before.”
“I was a stupid, scared-shitless kid then, Jen! I know what I’ve got now.”
“Really?”
His skeptical yet hopeful tone was like a knife to Jared’s heart. “Yeah, really. You and the kids are the best thing that ever happened to me, Jen. I’m not gonna walk away from that, from you.”
“Okay. Okay. I just don’t want to lose you.”
“You won’t,” he whispered fiercely, leaning closer to rest his forehead against Jensen’s. “You won’t.”
He curled a hand in Jared’s hair, massaging gently. “But how can you forgive me? I really have been an ass lately.”
“Because I love you. We’ll get through this, Jensen. We always have.”
Jensen tugged him forward into a kiss, murmuring an “I love you” just before their lips touched. Yeah, they had a lot to work out, and it wouldn’t be easy, he had no idea what exactly caused Jensen’s breakdown, and he still seemed a bit fragile (though Jared never thought he’d describe Jensen that way), but they had this, they had each other. Jared could face anything as long as he had Jensen.
* * * * * *
Jensen finished recounting a rather dull story about Jamie’s upcoming field trip to the library and groaned at Jared’s “tell me something else.” He was beginning to hate that sentence. “I’ve been talking for the last hour and a half, about some really random, stupid shit,” he complained.
“I know. I just wanna hear it all. I don’t wanna miss anything,” Jared admitted.
Jensen sighed so hard he almost dislodged Tessa, who currently slept on top of him. After fussing most of the day with an earache, the only way he could calm her down was to walk endless laps around the living room or hold her against his chest like this. She whined a little and rubbed her ear, so he stroked her back till her breathing evened out once more.
“I get it, Jared, I do,” he said. “But my throat hurts, and I’m about to lose my voice.”
“Okay.” Jared paused, then asked, “Hey, Jen? Whatcha wearing?”
“My old-” Wait. “Dude, we are not having phone sex!”
“You’re no fun, Jen. Where’s your sense of adventure?” he pouted.
“I have your daughter curled up on my chest right now. We are not having phone sex!”
“All right, all right.”
“You talk to me. How’s the movie going? How’s Clooney?”
“It’s good, great.” He sighed, and Jensen could imagine him rubbing his temples like he always did when he worried. “It’s overwhelming. These guys are so good. I feel like I have to really step it up with them. It’s kinda scary.”
“You’re just as good as they are, Jay. You don’t have to prove anything.”
“Yeah, I know. It just doesn’t always feel like it.”
“It can’t all be so bad. Aren’t you having any fun?”
“Of course. If nothing else, I’ve taught everyone a thing or two about pulling the best pranks.”
Jensen laughed. “Yeah?”
He listened as Jared told him about some of the pranks, relieved to change the subject from Jared’s perceived inadequacies. It wasn’t like him at all to get so down- about his acting, about himself, about anything, really. Things had been a lot better between them since his complete breakdown (and their subsequent talks) in Chicago, but Jared still didn’t seem entirely himself. For now, though, Jensen forgot all that, let Jared’s voice wash over him, let his low, rumbling laugh soothe the anxiety and weariness from dealing with a sick Tessa and two other rambunctious kids all day. He only partly paid attention to the actual words, his eyes slowly drifting closed. This was better than the news, which he planned to watch before Jared called, or the book he had open beside him on the bed, which he’d tried to read all week without much luck. Jared was better than just about everything.
Suddenly, Jared fell silent. Jensen guessed mid-sentence, but he couldn’t be sure. “Jay?”
“I can’t do this anymore,” Jared murmured softly.
He immediately went into panic mode, even though he was sure, he knew in the back of his mind that Jared didn’t mean them. But all he could think of was the last time he said that, the last time he ripped out his heart and walked away.
“I can’t do this anymore,” Jared stated, voice flat and emotionless.
“Do what?” Jensen asked, though he feared the answer.
Jared stared at his hands, the ceiling, a random spot on the wall, everywhere but at Jensen. Finally, he lifted his head to chin level and answered, “This. Us. Any of it.” He waved his hand vaguely, encompassing the room and Jensen and everything around him. “It’s too hard, Jensen, and I just- I can’t do it anymore.”
He watched him walk out, fighting back the stupid tears stinging his eyes, convinced they were over. It took two months, of convincing himself he didn’t care, that he could live without Jared, that he could move on. It took Jared showing up at his door in the middle of the night, near tears and apologizing, asking for another chance. It took another few weeks for Jensen to trust him again and even longer for him to no longer worry he’d leave again.
Jensen came back to the present with a jolt, heart thundering in his ears so loud he almost missed what Jared said next.
“Being on location sucks, and I can’t do it anymore. I can’t be away from you guys for so long.”
“Jared-”
“I miss you. I miss the kids and the dogs and the house.”
“I understand that, Jay. I’ve gone through the same thing. And I miss you, too, but going on location is part of the job.”
“Not necessarily. I’ve been talking to my agent about doing a pilot for the fall. I think I’ll tell her to send me the best scripts.”
“Are you sure you want to go back to TV?”
“If it means staying in LA and being able to raise my kids and see you everyday? Yeah, I’m sure. I miss you guys. My family is more important to me than any movie could ever be, Jen.”
“Yeah,” Jensen said, and the cold knot of fear that’d twisted him up the past few months loosened and melted away.
* * * * * *
Edna rinsed another dish and handed it over to Jensen to put in the dishwasher. Jensen smiled at her. “You know, I didn’t invite you over for lunch so you could do all the work,” he said.
She shrugged and grabbed another plate. “I don’t mind. I like to cook and clean. And I know how busy you’ve been with Jared gone.”
“Thanks anyway.”
“Of course, dear.”
Really, he’d invited her over to distract Tessa. She’d recovered amazingly well from her earache the previous day and was driving him a little nuts, getting into everything and demanding his attention every second. He couldn’t get anything done, not with Tessa whining to be picked up or hanging off his leg. A trip to the park hadn’t helped at all, so, desperate, he called Edna and invited her over. It worked while they ate, spaghetti that Edna brought over, Tessa concentrating almost comically on slurping each individual noodle into her mouth, smearing sauce from her hairline down the front of her t-shirt. The trouble started when he tried to change her clothes, and she squirmed so much he eventually gave up and let her run around in her diaper.
He was feeling a little out of his depth. Dealing with a 10-month old was something new for them, since Rachael was two when they adopted her and Jamie was over a year old. And Jamie had been far less ornery than Tessa. He still was, really, serious and content to read or play with the dogs, while Rachael babbled incessantly (a lot like Jared, actually) and Tessa craved constant attention.
“Dada!” Tessa crawled over and sat on his foot, beaming up at him, then used his pants leg to pull herself up to a standing position. “Dada!”
She was getting really close to taking her first steps. He hoped she waited till Jared came home. They’d lost out on seeing a lot of those little firsts with Jamie and Rachael, and Jared already felt horrible enough about missing simple things like Jamie’s field trip. Jensen would hate for him to miss something so important. And he also knew, once Tessa started walking, she’d be even more of a terror.
“Hey, baby girl.” He dropped a hand to the top of her head, and she pressed her face against his leg, hugging him tightly. She still had spaghetti sauce in her fine dark hair. Jensen sighed and took the plate Edna passed him.
“That one’s a pistol, isn’t she?” Edna asked, smiling.
“You could say that,” he replied wryly.
“My oldest was like that. She turned out pretty well.”
“Thanks.” He’d believe that more if Tessa didn’t start messing with the dirty dishes. He sighed again. He couldn’t wait till Jared got home, for many reasons, but he wanted reinforcements. Picking Tessa up, he grabbed a couple crackers off the counter and settled her back in the highchair, hoping to keep her out of trouble for at least five minutes. “Be good, okay?” he told her. She just smashed a cracker with her fist and giggled.
Jensen closed his eyes and prayed for patience.
“Have you heard from Jared lately?” Edna asked, placing the last plate in the dishwasher.
“Yeah, just last night.” They’d stayed on the phone till Jared literally fell asleep while talking, his voice drifting off and his breathing growing more even.
“How’s he doing?”
“Good. Missing home and worrying too much about not being good enough for George Clooney.”
“He needn’t worry about that. He’s an amazing actor.”
“I know, but it’s like beating my head against I brick wall whenever I try to tell him that.”
She was silent a moment, before turning to face him. “And how are things between you and Jared?” Her tone was carefully measured, a shrewd look in her kind eyes.
“Better,” he admitted, not exactly surprised by her insight. Edna was a perceptive lady. He leaned against the counter, crossing his arms. “A lot better. Great,” he amended, grinning. Her expression changed, this odd mixture he couldn’t make out. “What’s that look for?”
“Your Jared smile. I haven’t seen it in awhile.”
“My what?”
“Whenever you look at Jared or talk about him, you get this smile on your face. Your Jared smile, that you save only for him. It’s been absent for quite some time, but I didn’t feel it was my place to say anything about it. But just now, seeing it again, I hoped it meant you were all right.”
He had a Jared smile? Thank God, Jared never noticed, or he’d forever make fun of him.
“We were having…issues,” he told her, not giving details, mainly because he still had no idea what brought about all their arguing to begin with. “We worked them out when the kids and I went to Chicago. Things are definitely better now, still not perfect, of course, but they’re…easier.”
“Good. I’m glad, Jensen. I’d hate to see anything happen to you kids.”
“He’s coming home in a couple weeks. I don’t think I’ve ever missed him this much or wanted to see him so badly, not even that first time I left to shoot a movie or when he almost didn’t make it home for Jamie’s birthday a few years ago.”
Edna crossed the kitchen and stood on tiptoe to kiss his cheek. “You kids will be all right.”
Jensen smiled and kissed Edna lightly on the lips. “Thanks.”
“Oh, you!” Blushing fiercely, she swatted his arm, then unnecessarily adjusted her short gray hair.
A couple months ago, it seemed impossible that they’d be okay, but now, with Jared coming home soon, and home to stay, he knew it was the truth.
* * * * * *
Jared paid the cab driver and grabbed all his bags. He was dead tired, stumbling a little on the uneven sidewalk leading up to their house, but he couldn’t keep the stupid grin off his face. He was so freaking happy to be home.
The first thing he saw when he unlocked the door and walked inside was a giant banner with WELCOME HOME DADDY!! (JARED) in huge block letters. Multi-colored streamers and balloons framed it. Smiling, Jared dumped his stuff inside the door, kicked off his shoes, and looked around. He’d expected Jensen and the kids to greet him at the door with hugs and kisses, but no one was there. And on closer inspection, he noticed the banner was listing a little. He crossed to the kitchen and found it a complete mess- dirty dishes everywhere, food still sitting out, but it was burned and looked inedible.
What the hell?
He stood still for a moment, taking everything in, wondering if he accidentally walked into the Twilight Zone or something. It was quiet, eerily quiet, and Jensen never let a mess like that go for long. They knew he was coming home tonight, so where was everyone?
The click of nails on the tile floor proceeded Angel as she padded into the kitchen. Bumping the back of his knee, she let out a muffled bark. “Hey, girl,” he murmured, kneeling down to bury his hands in the thick fur around her neck. She stuck her nose in his ear and wagged her tail against his leg. “What happened, huh, girl?” he asked, but she just licked his nose and wagged her tail harder. She was way more subdued than usual, though. She normally knocked him over with her enthusiastic barking and jumped all over him, excited to see him after being gone for so long.
Even more worried now, he got back up and headed toward the bedrooms, searching for Jensen and the kids. Angel followed, heeling him closely. “Jen?” he called quietly, not wanting to break the silence for some reason. No one answered, unsurprisingly. He ducked his head into each of the kids’ rooms, but they were empty. When he opened the door to their room and discovered everyone piled on the bed, he let out a sigh and sagged in relief. As he got closer, though, he realized things maybe weren’t so good.
Jamie was curled up against Jensen’s side, lines of pain etched on his forehead, sweaty hair pushed back from his face. Rachael lay on Jensen’s other side, half asleep with her thumb in her mouth. Tessa was flat out on Rachael’s other side, and Maya was stretched out on Jensen’s feet. Jensen himself was half asleep, mindlessly rubbing Jamie’s back.
Frowning slightly, Jared moved closer and gently kissed Jensen on the lips. Jensen opened his eyes slowly, looking confused till he focused on Jared. “Hey.” Jared smiled, then asked, “What happened?”
“Jamie got sick,” Jensen said softly. He glanced around and back to Jared. “What time is it?”
“After 10.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. My plane got delayed. Didn’t you get my message?”
“No, sorry. I’ve been kinda distracted.”
“It’s okay, Jen. Maybe we should get these guys into there own beds.”
“Yeah, okay.”
Jensen started to get up, but he stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. “Stay. I’ll do it.”
“Sure?”
He cupped Jensen’s jaw and kissed him lightly. “Yeah. Let me do it, please?”
Jensen nodded, smiling gratefully, and settled back down. Jared put Tessa to bed first, who stayed asleep, of course, and didn’t budge at all. She’d slept through the night her very first night home, and Jared was always appreciative of her superior sleeping skills. Rachael latched onto his neck and claimed she wasn’t sleepy at all, but rolled over with her butt in the air and was out before he could even cover her up. Jamie stirred a little when Jared picked him up, arms hanging loosely over Jared’s shoulders. Feeling his forehead, Jared winced. Jamie was burning up, and it suddenly hit Jared how small, how vulnerable Jamie still was. Sometimes, it still shocked him that he was responsible for these three lives. It made him even surer about staying home with his family from now on.
“M’sorry I ruined your party, Daddy,” Jamie apologized as Jared set him down on the bed.
Jared’s heart stuttered at that. “Oh, baby, you didn’t ruin anything. Just feel better, okay?”
Jamie nodded, his eyes drooping heavily. “You want some juice or something?”
“Apple juice,” he mumbled and turned his face into the pillow.
Jared grabbed some juice and a cool washcloth, which his mom always did for him when he had a fever. Jamie took the juice gratefully, then burrowed into the covers. Sitting on the edge of the bed, Jared put a hand on Jamie’s back and watched till he fell asleep, then kissed his cheek.
He went back to their room. Jensen was sitting cross-legged on the bed, looking more alert. Jared joined him. “So, ya gonna tell me what exactly happened here?”
Jensen scrubbed a hand over his face and shrugged. “We wanted to fix you a special dinner to welcome you home. The kids picked everything out, helped me decorate and cook. But Jamie got steadily quieter, kinda listless. It’s hard to tell sometimes with Jamie, ya know? He’s not especially talkative anyway. But I did notice eventually and asked him if he was all right, and he proceeded to throw up on Rachael’s feet. Of course, that made her hysterical. So, I had Jamie getting sick and Rachael crying and the dogs trying to clean up the mess and Tessa getting in the middle of everything. I didn’t know which problem to tackle first. I got the dogs to go outside, sat Jamie in a chair with a bowl in case he threw up again, and picked up Rachael and Tessa. I put Tessa in her crib, just to keep her out of trouble, ya know, then cleaned up and changed Rachael. Jamie was kinda swaying in the chair when I got back to the kitchen. I took care of him, but he didn’t want to be by himself, and Rachael was still upset, so I let them crawl into bed with me. The dogs whined to come back in, and Tessa started fussing, and I didn’t wanna deal with the fight of keeping her in bed. It was easier to let everyone pile in here. That was a few hours ago, I guess.”
“Aw, Jensen, I’m sorry.”
“Why? Not your fault.”
“I know, but, Jen, you shouldn’t have had to deal with that on your own.”
Jensen shrugged again. “It wasn’t like that the whole time you were in Chicago. I’ve just had some rough days.”
“You still shouldn’t have to deal with that alone, and you won’t anymore,” he promised. “Besides, I didn’t need a special dinner. I’m just glad I’m home.”
Jensen smiled at him, and Jared smiled back, rubbing a finger over Jensen’s cheek. Jensen looked beat, eyes red and puffy, shoulders slumped a little, hair sticking out at odd angles. But more than that, he seemed really glad to have him back, if the desire darkening his eyes and hand sliding up Jared’s thigh was anything to go by. Tugging him closer, Jared kissed him, slower this time and deep, feeling like he was finally home, with Jensen’s mouth on his and Jensen unbuckling his belt. And he didn’t plan to leave again for a long time.
* * * * *
Jensen trudged behind Jared and Jamie, trying not to frown too deeply. Christmas tree shopping with these two was an exercise in patience, and he was rapidly losing the fight. They’d been looking for hours, maybe even days. He just wanted to pick something and go home, but Jared and Jamie took this all very seriously and wouldn’t rush. This was Jamie’s favorite time of the year, and he wore a perpetual smile for the entire month of December. Jensen hated to be a killjoy, but really, enough was enough.
“Hey, hey, hey. No throwing, Tessa!” Jensen grabbed Tessa’s arm before she could throw the pinecone in her hand. She pouted up at him and stomped her little foot. He simply raised an eyebrow, and she dropped the pinecone.
“Sorry, Daddy,” Rachael told him. “She had it before I could stop her.”
“It’s okay, baby.” Smiling, he tugged gently on her ponytail. “Maybe you can show her how to kick them instead?”
“Like in soccer?”
“Yeah, like in soccer.”
Jensen watched them for a few minutes as Rachael patiently demonstrated the proper soccer kick to her little sister. Tessa wobbled unsteadily, tongue poking out in concentration, and managed to toe a pinecone a few feet. She only started walking a couple weeks ago (two days after Jared got home and right into Jared’s waiting arms) and stubbornly insisted on no one carrying her until she listed from exhaustion like a drunk person. She seemed all right for now, though, so he turned to where Jared and Jamie stood silently contemplating the endless line of pine trees.
“How about this one?” Jensen suggested, pointing randomly. Years of his life had disappeared by now, right?
Jared and Jamie exchanged a look, and Jamie said solemnly, “The branches are all bent funny, Daddy!”
Like bent branches were a tragedy worse than death.
Jensen sighed. “Does it really matter? We’ll be in Texas for most of Christmas anyway.”
“Of course it matters!” Jared exclaimed, looking affronted. “We’ll be home for part of it. And this is Tessa’s first Christmas!”
He had a point, and it wasn’t as if Jensen was trying to rob his kids of their precious holiday memories or anything. He just didn’t think choosing a tree required such an in-depth, scientific method. But this was important to Jamie, so he sucked it up.
“All right, no more bent branches. Anything else I should look out for?” he asked.
Jamie beamed up at him and slipped his hand into Jensen’s. “Come on, Daddy. I’ll show you.”
He let Jamie drag him down the path while Jared went back to herd Rachael and Tessa along. Twenty minutes later, Jensen smiled as the owner finished tying the enormous tree to the hood of their SUV. The top would nearly brush their eight-foot ceiling. He hoped there was enough room to put the star on top. Tessa had fallen asleep in Jared’s arms, but Jamie and Rachael were wired from hot chocolate and excitement. They sang Christmas carols the whole way home, at least when they weren’t listing everything they wanted Santa to bring them, which pretty much consisted of the entire Toys R Us catalogue. Jensen smiled; he remembered doing the same thing at their age. Their grandparents spoiled them, of course, but he and Jared agreed not to buy them everything they asked for. They didn’t want their kids to become the typical Hollywood spoiled brats. Another reason why they moved to Ainsley instead of staying in LA.
When they got home, he and Jared wrestled the tree into the house, with Jamie and Rachael shouting “helpful” hints from the sidelines. It luckily fit in their living room, with plenty of space for the star. They had about a million decorations for the tree and house, and Jamie insisted on putting every last thing up every year, including the sad and decrepit ornaments he and Jared made as kids and a seriously creepy Santa statue Mike gave them a few years back. Jared turned on some holiday music, and he and the kids started singing and dancing as they decorated the tree, their hyper bouncing partly aided by the cookies Edna sent over. Jensen shook his head and winced. Jared couldn’t carry a tune if you strapped it to his back, but at least his kids had decent voices.
“Daddy, those aren’t the right words!” Rachael scolded Jared, hands on her hips. Apparently, “Jingle Bells” was serious business, and she didn’t appreciate his random lyrics.
Jared just grinned and stuck a bow on top of her head.
Jensen watched from his spot on the couch, unpacking all the boxes and surreptitiously hiding the fugliest reindeer ever (He was a terrible artist as a six-year-old.). He also kept an eye on Tessa, where she colored in the corner, mashed cookie in one hand and crayon in the other. Maya and Angel hovered nearby, hoping for some crumbs, but Tessa wasn’t giving up that cookie for anything. He got bored, though, just sorting through everything and eventually joined them by the tree. Jared glanced at him, a little startled, then grinned and hung a candy cane over Jensen’s ear. Smiling, Jensen rolled his eyes and playfully bumped Jared out of the way with his shoulder. By the time they emptied the last box of decorations, the tree looked more red and gold and silver than green, and the branches drooped from all the weight.
“Ready to do the star, kiddo?” Jared asked Jamie.
He nodded enthusiastically, so Jared picked him up. The silver star was starting to look tarnished after all these years, but no one ever considered replacing it. Jared had given it to Jensen the first Christmas after they moved in together, and it went on the tree every year without fail. The kids took turns putting it on the tree every year now. It would probably be Tessa’s first time next year.
Later, after they managed to calm the kids down and get them to bed, he and Jared went back to the living room and sacked out on the couch, leaving all the lights off except for those on the tree. Jensen lay with his back to the couch arm, and Jared had his head in Jensen’s lap as Jensen combed his hands through his hair. They were both half asleep, but hadn’t made any moves to get up. It was totally sappy and kinda stupid, but this was the first time Jensen felt like it was really Christmas, despite spending all day looking for a tree and decorating the house.
Suddenly, Jared asked, “Do you remember our first Christmas, when I took you home to Texas with me?”
“Yeah. Your mom kept trying to feed me and fatten me up, and your dad actually sat me down for The Talk and told me not to hurt his boy.”
Jared snorted. “Mama just doesn’t get that not everyone eats like a Padalecki.”
“What? Three times as much as a normal person and twice as fast?”
Jared lightly pinched Jensen’s thigh. After a moment, he continued with whatever point he wanted to make. “We’d only been together for a few months then, really together anyway, and I was so proud to show you off. ‘My boyfriend’s hotter than your boyfriend!’” he said in a singsong voice.
“You’re such a giant dork,” Jensen told him affectionately, rubbing his thumb over Jared’s temple.
“Shut up. You know you love it.”
“Yeah. I do.”
Jared turned over and knelt between Jensen’s legs, then leaned forward to kiss him, soft and slow at first, but Jensen soon deepened the kiss. He fisted Jared’s shirt and pulled him closer, tongues sliding wet and slick against each other. Jared tasted like eggnog and mint, and Jensen just wanted more, never wanted to stop, because their kisses felt different now- not absentminded pecks as someone left the house, not done out of obligation or routine. These kisses were free, full of need and desire. Jensen sank into, and Jared pressed closer, bracing his hands on the couch by Jensen’s head. He knew this couldn’t go any farther, not out in the living room where the kids could wander in at any time, but he couldn’t help bunching up Jared’s shirt a little and running his hands up and down his broad back. Jared smiled against his lips, and Jensen finally let go of all the tension from the past several months.
* * * * *
Jared sat cross-legged on the floor across from Jamie and Rachael, Tessa in his lap. The Candyland board lay between them, Jamie’s yellow piece currently in the lead. Rachael drew a card and whooped excitedly.
“Gum Drop Mountain! Hand over the candy, Daddy!” she said, bouncing on her knees and holding out her hand.
“Let me see the card first. You might be cheating,” Jared replied, eyeing her suspiciously.
“I’m not! See!” She showed him the card and flapped her empty hand.
“All right, sweet pea. Here.” He placed three gumdrops in her palm from the pile to his left.
Both Jamie and Rachael had taken to Jared’s version of Candyland without any hesitation. As they should. Candyland was a lot more fun when you got to eat candy every time you drew one of the special cards. Jensen looked horrified when he first suggested it, obviously imagining three kids with sugar highs running around the house, but Jared promised to stay up with them that night till they crashed. Jensen, mollified, helped him gather the required treats.
“She got the last one, too,” Jamie pouted, crossing his arms.
It was such a Jensen pose, Jared had to bite his lip to keep from laughing. “Sorry, baby. It’s the luck of the draw. You’re still in the lead.”
“Yeah, I guess.”
Jared, meanwhile, was dead last, mainly because Tessa was helping him, though “helping” probably stretched the truth a bit. She pretty much just ate all his candy and smeared the cards with her sticky hands.
“Your turn, Jamie.”
While Jamie picked his card, Jared glanced over to the couch, where Jensen lay with the newest edition to their family, a two-month-old, all-gray kitten named William the Conqueror (thanks to Jamie’s favorite subject, history). Jensen paid absolutely no attention to the intense game going on, all his focus on the tiny kitten currently curled up on his chest, licking his chin. William was technically Rachael’s pet, a Christmas present from her Grandma and Grandpa Padalecki, but Jensen spent more time with him than anyone else did. Jared knew it was completely ridiculous to be jealous over a cat, but Jensen was kinda in love with the thing and ignoring him in favor of petting a kitten.
“Jen, come play with us,” Jared suggested.
“Nah, I’m good here,” Jensen answered, scratching William under the chin.
“Aw, come on,” he pleaded, throwing in the puppy dog eyes, which did no good, since Jensen didn’t even look in his direction. Stupid cat.
They finished their game (Jamie won, so he got to choose five pieces of his favorite candy.) and started a new one. This time Jensen joined them, sitting beside Jamie, though he held the kitten the whole time. Jared rolled his eyes but couldn’t stop from smiling. Until Jensen swiped a candy cane from right under Jared’s nose. He glared at him in mock outrage, and Jensen smiled, leaning over to kiss the frown off his face. It caught him off guard, not yet completely used to having the familiarity back between them. After he got home from Chicago, things were still a little rough, so much better than before, but they still had their moments. Once he proved he was serious about getting TV work and that he wasn’t going anywhere, Jensen relaxed, and they were able to resolve a lot of their problems. It still wasn’t perfect, no relationship could be, but they were gonna make it. He never questioned that, not even when things had been at their worst.
It wasn’t always easy, but it was worth it. It was definitely worth it.