Enter the distressing damsel (SW: ANH, 11/?)
I'm behind on my memes and ... I'm not doing them today, either. But I do have the next chunk of my scene-by-scene rewatching of Star Wars, aka A New Hope. So here we go, SW (and TV Tropes)!
On the last episode of As the Moustache Twirls, we left a random Imperial officer doing what Imperial officers do best: sneering.
And being a racist bigot, of course.
LUKE, glibly: Prisoner transfer from cell block 1138.
Heeeeh, I love his random ability to lie and bluff.
Random Imperial officer insists he’ll have to clear it, and gestures for his flunkies to approach Chewbacca, which they do, blasters at the ready. Chewie pretends to break free and grabs Han’s laser rifle. Han, who is plenty resourceful himself, promptly warns the “other” officers that he’s loose.
LUKE: He’s going to pull us apart!!!
HAN: Go get him!
brb loling forever
Luke pretends to shoot at Chewbacca then attacks the Imperials. As far as I can tell, Chewie throws one of them at the wall, Han and Luke shoot the two others, one who’d been loitering in the hall rushes in, and I think Han deals with him while Luke takes out the cameras (because they’re awesome and think of things like that). Then they rush to the desk thingy (“comlink system,” sez the script), Han instantly finds the princess’ cell, and tells Luke to go after her while he “holds things down here.”
Heh.
The comlink buzzes and Han, ripping off his helmet, gives it this adorably bewildered look.
HAN: Uhh . . . everything’s under control. Situation normal.
INTERCOM: What happened?
HAN: Uh . . . I had a slight . . . weapons malfunction . . . [he glances desperately up] but everything’s perfectly all right now. We’re fine . . . we’re all fine here. Now. Thank you. . . . How are you? [he grimaces]
ahahahahahahahaha love you forever
Also, I found it endlessly hilarious that Luke is a much smoother liar than Han is. If Luke had accepted his offer to join them, I bet they’d have ended up having him do all the talking while Han skulked around and Chewbacca managed things like accounts and actual smuggling.
Han babbles about a large leak, very dangerous!! and the intercom guy, not unreasonably, demands to know who the hell he is. Han promptly blasts the comlink.
HAN: Boring conversation anyway.
<3 <3 <3 <3
He screams at Luke that they’re about to be attacked and Luke hurries down the hall, glancing around, while the very-slightly-less-memorable part of his theme song trumpets. (Literally, I think.) Then he pushes a button on one of the cells and the door whooshes open.
This universe is so cool! And then there’s a trill of Leia’s theme OMG OMG IT’S LEIA WE’RE ABOUT TO GET LEIA AND ALL THREE OF THEM AND <3
Leia’s lying there on her bench, apparently using the spare time between the genocide of her planet and her own execution to catch up on some much-needed sleep (because she is that hardcore). She blinks awake and Luke manages to look completely poleaxed while wearing a stormtrooper helmet.
Guys, Mark Hamill is kind of amazing.
Anyway. Leia, upon being awoken by a stormtrooper bursting into her cell and then ogling her, responds by immediately switching on ~SEDUCTRESS MODE.~ No, really.
She looks like she’s actually planning on seducing her way out of that cell.
Well, there was that wonky Leia-Tarkin dynamic with his whole omg Leia how could you betray me all I did was blow up your planet how could you do this to me?? (and Vader’s half-contemptuous, half-smug "NO SHIT, SHERLOCK" response to it because you know what can stop Anakin Skywalker from trolling the rest of the galaxy? that’s right, NOTHING). Honestly, I doubt this is the first time she’s done it.
LEIA: Aren’t you a little short for a stormtrooper?
She says it in this throaty, drawling voice, sounding rather like Lucius Malfoy’s long-lost twin sister. (Um.) Also, how much do I love that Luke is too short to make it even as cannon fodder?
So much.
Also, his reaction is hilarious.
LUKE: Huuuuuh?!
He’s totally forgotten he’s got a stormtrooper helmet on.
Ahahahaha, that scene in The Boiling Rock where Sokka bursts in to Suki’s cell and forgets he’s wearing a Fire Nation helmet has to be inspired by this. The world just became a more beautiful place.
He wrenches off his helmet, looking very pretty (is he wearing eyeliner?) aaaaaaaaand
LUKE: I’m Luke Skywalker, and I’m here to rescue you.
<3 <3 <3
Well, you can’t say he’s not straightforward.
Also, I think this is the first time we hear his full name. Up to this point he could have been Luke Lars for all we knew (though I’ll admit, I never had that impression).
LEIA, bemused: You’re who?
Heeeeeeeeh.
Luke repeats that he’s trying to rescue her, and he’s got her droid and Ben Kenobi. Which is not the name she’s familiar with, but it’s such a thin pseudonym that she instantly realizes who he’s talking about. (Because duh.) She asks where he is and dashes out, leaving Luke to run after her.
Switch to -- Vader’s chestplate? Okay, abrupt change of scene is abrupt.
VADER: He is here.
TARKIN: Obi-Wan Kenobi? What makes you think so?
VADER: A tremor in the Force. The last time I felt it was in the presence of my old master.
Well, it was a rather memorable occasion. Also, I love how OTT and fantastic this is, especially because Vader is completely matter-of-fact about it all and Tarkin is kind of o_O.
TARKIN, standing: Surely he must be dead by now.
...Why? He’s only, what, fifty-seven? I don’t see why Tarkin would have assumed he’d been killed at some point or another, either. “By now” makes it pretty clear, IMO, that Tarkin thinks it’s time, not Imperial diligence, that must have killed him.
Of course, ignoring the PT, we have no idea how old he is, other than “too old for this.” But he is strongly implied to have been around before the “Dark Times,” when members of his (“ancient”) religion could live openly.
VADER: Don’t underestimate the Force.
Going with the latter interpretation, that Obi-Wan really is that old and Tarkin’s assuming he must have died naturally in the last eighteen years, this would imply that the Force can extend life, though who knows how far. Going with the entirety of the primary canon, though, he’d be saying -- idk. That if a Jedi doesn’t want to be found he damn well won’t be found.
TARKIN: The Jedi are extinct. Their fire has gone out of the universe.
Their . . . fire.
lolwut?
I’ve got to say, there are a lot of words I can think of to describe the Jedi, but except for Anakin and Luke, fiery isn’t one of them. Just . . . ahahahahahahahahaha no.
I rather like this original idea of them as fiery paladins of truth and justice, though. *wistful*
TARKIN: You, my friend, are all that’s left of their religion.
Again, we see the Jedi as a religion, or at least a religious order, even if we don’t know what the exact tenets of their faith were. (I’d be interested in knowing, actually.) And it’s already been made quite clear that Vader retains his devotion to the faith, and is, ah, disturbed by others’ lack of it. There’s been a strong implication all along, too, that despite everything he continues to identify as a Jedi, but here it’s made explicit. Everybody regards him as a Jedi and he never once objects to anything but insults to the religion.
Also, people calling Vader their friend = always hilarious.
Tarkin is interrupted by his own comlink; the intercom voice informs him that there’s been an emergency alert in Leia’s cell block, and he orders the voice to put all sections on alert. Huh, this thing is the size of a moon; my, that must be an awful lot of people.
VADER: Obi-Wan is here.
Nanner nanner.
Seriously, does Anakin ever turn up the chance to gloat?
VADER: The Force is with him.
Duh, Anakin.
Okay, maybe he’s just explaining in very small words to Tarkin, who he’s clearly out of patience with.
Tarkin, now somewhat alarmed, says that Obi-Wan mustn’t be allowed to escape.
VADER: Escape is not his plan.
How do you know? I mean, obviously it’s some Force … thingy, but has he read Obi-Wan’s mind? Or is it a more fuzzy clairvoyance?
VADER: I must face him. Alone.
In case the previous “stfu Tarkin, you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about” was too subtle. He might as well have just said, “run along and don’t bother the grown-ups Jedi.”
He stalks off with a very impressive swirl of his cloak. Whatever his failings, you can’t say he doesn’t have style.
Switch to Obi-Wan, looking leery of something. All sorts of wonky telepathic stuff going on here, I expect. Oh, and there’s a random R2 unit in the background.
Back to the cell block, Chewbacca is standing at the doors. He gives a moan which I can only translate as “oh shit,” and Han screams at him to get behind him.
<3
The stormtroopers blast their way through and Han shoots at them as they come in, backing into the hallway -- he shoots one, missing all the others, and obviously they miss him too. But they’re supposed to, I think, because the plan is to let them escape. Or have they set that up yet? IDK. It’s kind of hard to tell stormtroopers who are trying to miss from stormtroopers who just suck.
He backs up far enough that Luke and Leia run up to him.
HAN: Can’t get out that way.
LEIA, harshly: Looks like you managed to cut off our only escape route!
<3
Never change, Leia.
Han turns to scowl down at her (Luke, lolariously, is biting his tongue -- literally, I mean). There’s some fabulous music playing, too.
HAN: Maybe you’d like it back in your cell, your Highness!
Okay, I thought the constant Highnessness you get in fic was a bit exaggerated, but here we go, proof. Also, instant UST is instant and pretty much indistinguishable from his initial response to Luke. Stormtroopers keep shooting and the twins -- I mean, Luke and Leia back away while Han shoots. I still don’t know if he’s actually managed to hit more than that one stormtrooper.
Luke calls Threepio through his comlink, shouting over the blasterfire, while Threepio explains in his most long-suffering voice that all the system have been alerted to their presence, the main entrance is the only possible egress, all other information is restricted, and --
Someone bangs at the door. Threepio seems panicked.
TROOPER: Open up in there!
THREEPIO: Oh no.
And back to our favourite Power Trio. Han does manage to shoot another stormtrooper while Luke and Leia are crouched together in the alcove -- they’re consistently paired together, I think, even at this point. Especially at this point.
Luke is trying to get more information out of poor Threepio, but Han shouts that he can’t hold them off much longer. Because you’ve been doing such a great job so far, Han.
LEIA: This is some rescue. When you came in here, did you have a plan for getting out?
Last post, I talked about the scene where my affection for Luke switched into eternal and undying love. This is where that happened for Leia. Hell yeah, Princess Leia.
HAN, snarling: He’s the brains, sweetheart!
Sadly, this is completely true. Does Han ever come up with plans?
LUKE: Well, I didn’t--
Leia, her mouth set, snatches Luke’s blaster out of his hands and blasts through a nearby grate. Ahahahahaha, I know what scene is coming. The one that traumatized me the first time I saw this.
HAN: What the hell are you doing?
Again, we get “hell” as a casual oath in canon. No need to make up random bizarre swear words, EU.
LEIA: Somebody has to save our skins!
Leia runs over to the hole (which nearly fried Han’s legs), shooting at stormtroopers all the while -- I’m not sure if she hits any either.
LEIA (to Han): Into the garbage chute, flyboy!
Then she pauses to toss Luke’s gun back to him. She’s considerate like that. :P
Chewie moans while Han and Luke shoot at stormtroopers, and Han tells him to get in and he doesn’t care what he smells. DUM DA DUM. Then he kicks the giant Wookiee with his armor-clad legs to make him get in.
Han looks over at Luke.
HAN: Wonderful girl!
Luke stares, then blinks.
HAN: Either I’m going to kill her, or I’m beginning to like her!
And one of the quintessential Slap Slap Kiss relationships is born.
Luke, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to be taking even the joking death threat particularly well. Or he’s jealous, I guess. But honestly, he doesn’t look jealous to me, just pissed.
Luke glances back at the stormtroopers and Han shouts at him to get in the chute, which is a small aww-moment. Luke promptly dives in and Han follows with a lulzy cry of WOOOOOOO.
They’ve all fallen into piles of garbage, of course, and Chewie bangs on the door.
HAN: Oh, the garbage chute was a really wonderful idea! What an incredible smell you’ve discovered!
Seriously, Han, STFU. Luke and Leia are the only ones who’ve tried to come up with solutions or shown the slightest traces of resourcefulness. Han just goes around having no ideas whatsoever but complaining about other people’s.
Leia’s expression manages to say what I just took three sentences to articulate. Carrie Fisher is awesome too.
HAN (to Chewbacca): Get away from there.
Oh look, he does have an idea!
LUKE: No, wait!
Han fires at the door, sending a blaster bolt ricocheting around the entire chute. Everyone ducks.
Okay. A really bad idea.
Hint: if a Skywalker thinks your idea is too reckless, you might want to reconsider it.
Luke goes all Fire Lord Ozai on him, flying from panicked to enraged in the blink of an eye, and not so much screaming as snarling --
LUKE: Will you forget it? I already tried it! It’s magnetically sealed!
Leia, not one to be left out when it comes to snarling, promptly joins him.
LEIA: Put that thing away! You’re going to get us all killed!
Heh, they sound exactly the same. Really: Leia’s voice now makes her sound less like Malfoy's (or Zhao's!) long-lost twin sister than Luke’s.
… Oh, wait.
Han slowly turns to face her, clearly pissed, though leaning a bit more towards “annoyed” than their RAAAAAAAAAAEG.
HAN: Absolutely, your Worship! I had everything under control until you led us down here?
What.
First of all, wtf Han? You yourself said you didn’t -- I mean -- what the --
;JAD;JFJK;AJK;DFA;JKDFAJ;KDFAKJ;D
Second of all, I can’t help but notice that Luke and Leia both shout at him -- in pretty much immediate succession -- but he only responds in kind to Leia, not Luke.
My shipping goggles, such as they are, are so scrambled by this movie that I don’t even know how to take that.
HAN, still whining: You know, it’s not going to take them long to find out what happened to us!
LEIA: It could be worse.
Yeah, it -- oh shit, did you just say that? Aloud? Are you trying to get killed?
Luke, who’s been poking around trying to get out while Han and Leia snap at each other, is interrupted by a roar from (drumroll, please) below. He stiffens and after a second everybody glances around.
HAN: It’s worse.
<3
LUKE: There’s something alive in here!
The tone is whiny. The content is OMGWTF.
HAN: That’s your imagination.
LUKE, breathlessly: Something just moved past my leg!
Chewie growls, and Luke points at a … tentacle thing sliding through the water.
LUKE: Look, did you see that?!!
HAN: What?
The TENTACLE THING, Han.
Chewie evidently saw it, because he takes up banging on the door again. Leia is staring in horror and backing up, Han’s glancing around in panic, and then
OMG AN EYEBALL ON A STALK POKING UP WTF I DON’T REMEMBER THE EYEBALL
Come on, what earthly purpose could the Empire have in keeping some eyeball stalked tentacle monster in their dumpster? Oh wait, it’s the Empire. Why’d I even ask?
To be evil, of course.
I’m not sure if our trio sees it. Luke’s looking every which way and then the tentacles wrap around his legs and pull him under.
HAN: LUKE!!!
His voice is hoarse, almost anguished. I have no doubts whatsoever about where to point the shipping goggles for this.
LEIA: Luke!
HAN: Luke! Luke!
Aww crap, now I do. Well, at least he can die knowing people care about him.
Han desperately digs around in the water, still shouting.
LEIA: Luke!
Her voice is about an octave higher than usual, her panic obvious, and Luke bobs up with a slimy, dirty tentacle wrapped around his throat. It’s … pretty gross to me, but I’m sure it hits a whole trifecta of fetishes for some people.
Leia grabs a pipe and holds out to him while Luke chokes, gasping for Han to blast the tentacle monster.
HAN: ...Where?
LUKE: Anywhere! Oh!
… okay.
Han obligingly shoots at him in general, which doesn’t seem to have much of an effect except really annoying the tentacle monster, who pulls him under again.
HAN: Luke! Luke!
He backs up from where the water’s bubbling up from Luke’s breath (I presume), moving around and trying to figure out what to shoot at, Leia’s gaze is fixed on the bubbles, and for a moment there’s this creepy silence -- Chewie finally shuts up, no music, no cries for Luke, just … bubbling. No wonder I was petrified as a kid.
(Fine, I was, like, fourteen. I didn’t deal well with suspense!)
There’s a metal bang of ominousness. On the bright side, Luke jumps out of the water.
LEIA, still shouting: What happened?
LUKE, also still shouting: I don’t know! It just let go of me and disappeared!
Luke coughs and there’s another sound of grinding metal.
HAN: I’ve got a very bad feeling about this.
Classic Line Time!
CLASSIC LINE: I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Variation: “I’ve got a very bad feeling about this” (same as the first, from Luke)
ITERATION: 2
SPEAKER: Han Solo (to Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia)
CONTEXT: About to get crushed by compactor.
Again, it’s not being used just to say “oh shit” but specifically means “I don’t know what this is, but I feel pretty sure it’s bad.”
More grating sounds and then the walls frigging close in.
No, this will never be less than completely terrifying. *bites lips*
LUKE: The walls are moving!!
Of the many occasions where his OMGWTFBBQ!!1! voice is completely justified, this has got to be the winner.
They move a little closer together for one horrified moment, Leia reaching vaguely towards the other two, then she grabs a heavy pole.
LEIA: Don’t just stand there! Do something!
Luke searches through the trash, Chewie tries to push the wall back without success, and Leia shouts at Han to help her lift the pole. She’s actually too short to get it high enough, I think, but Han holds it up for her. Luke then remembers that he has a comlink, which is apparently waterproof, and starts shrieking at Threepio …who we last left on the point of getting captured, for maximum audience angst.
You know, this is really very well edited.
Death tolls!
DARTH VADER
KILLS: 2 (Rebel guy; Anakin Skywalker)
OTHER: betrayed the Jedi; helped the Empire hunt down them down; tortured Princess Leia; choked Admiral Motti; bugged the Falcon
HAN SOLO
KILLS: 8 (Greedo, six nameless stormtroopers, gantry officer's aide)
OTHER: smuggler; works for the crime lord Jabba; shot at a bunch of stormtroopers
PRINCESS LEIA
KILLS: 1 (nameless stormtrooper)
OTHER: spy, sorta; politician; shot at a bunch of stormtroopers
LUKE SKYWALKER
KILLS: 1 (nameless stormtrooper)
OTHER: whines sometimes, shot at people
GOVERNOR TARKIN
KILLS: billions (every occupant of the planet Alderaan)
OTHER: ordered the execution of Princess Leia
CHEWBACCA
KILLS: 2 (gantry officer; unnamed officer; shot at people)
Summary
(1) Han is an awful liar. Luke, as far as we see, is a fairly smooth one.
(2) Stormtroopers have minimum height requirements, apparently. Whatever it is, it's taller than Luke -- which isn't saying a lot.
(3) Luke's last name is Skywalker. (Hey, we just found out.)
(4) Vader senses Obi-Wan's presence as a distinct tremor in the Force.
(5) Tarkin is absolutely convinced that Obi-Wan must be dead by now; Vader attributes his apparently miraculous survival to the power of the Force.
(6) The Jedi were members of a religion, elsewhere described as ancient, which Vader still adheres to. Vader is also consistently described as a Jedi now.
(7) The Jedi brought fire into the galaxy. Or were a sort of fire. Or something.
(8) Vader can tell, somehow, that Obi-Wan doesn't plan on escaping.
(9) Han casually uses "hell" as a swear-word.
(10) Luke and Leia's rages sound pretty much exactly the same.
(11) Han and Leia completely flip out when Luke is attacked by the tentacle monster, Han slightly more so.
On the last episode of As the Moustache Twirls, we left a random Imperial officer doing what Imperial officers do best: sneering.
And being a racist bigot, of course.
LUKE, glibly: Prisoner transfer from cell block 1138.
Heeeeh, I love his random ability to lie and bluff.
Random Imperial officer insists he’ll have to clear it, and gestures for his flunkies to approach Chewbacca, which they do, blasters at the ready. Chewie pretends to break free and grabs Han’s laser rifle. Han, who is plenty resourceful himself, promptly warns the “other” officers that he’s loose.
LUKE: He’s going to pull us apart!!!
HAN: Go get him!
brb loling forever
Luke pretends to shoot at Chewbacca then attacks the Imperials. As far as I can tell, Chewie throws one of them at the wall, Han and Luke shoot the two others, one who’d been loitering in the hall rushes in, and I think Han deals with him while Luke takes out the cameras (because they’re awesome and think of things like that). Then they rush to the desk thingy (“comlink system,” sez the script), Han instantly finds the princess’ cell, and tells Luke to go after her while he “holds things down here.”
Heh.
The comlink buzzes and Han, ripping off his helmet, gives it this adorably bewildered look.
HAN: Uhh . . . everything’s under control. Situation normal.
INTERCOM: What happened?
HAN: Uh . . . I had a slight . . . weapons malfunction . . . [he glances desperately up] but everything’s perfectly all right now. We’re fine . . . we’re all fine here. Now. Thank you. . . . How are you? [he grimaces]
ahahahahahahahaha love you forever
Also, I found it endlessly hilarious that Luke is a much smoother liar than Han is. If Luke had accepted his offer to join them, I bet they’d have ended up having him do all the talking while Han skulked around and Chewbacca managed things like accounts and actual smuggling.
Han babbles about a large leak, very dangerous!! and the intercom guy, not unreasonably, demands to know who the hell he is. Han promptly blasts the comlink.
HAN: Boring conversation anyway.
<3 <3 <3 <3
He screams at Luke that they’re about to be attacked and Luke hurries down the hall, glancing around, while the very-slightly-less-memorable part of his theme song trumpets. (Literally, I think.) Then he pushes a button on one of the cells and the door whooshes open.
This universe is so cool! And then there’s a trill of Leia’s theme OMG OMG IT’S LEIA WE’RE ABOUT TO GET LEIA AND ALL THREE OF THEM AND <3
Leia’s lying there on her bench, apparently using the spare time between the genocide of her planet and her own execution to catch up on some much-needed sleep (because she is that hardcore). She blinks awake and Luke manages to look completely poleaxed while wearing a stormtrooper helmet.
Guys, Mark Hamill is kind of amazing.
Anyway. Leia, upon being awoken by a stormtrooper bursting into her cell and then ogling her, responds by immediately switching on ~SEDUCTRESS MODE.~ No, really.
She looks like she’s actually planning on seducing her way out of that cell.
Well, there was that wonky Leia-Tarkin dynamic with his whole omg Leia how could you betray me all I did was blow up your planet how could you do this to me?? (and Vader’s half-contemptuous, half-smug "NO SHIT, SHERLOCK" response to it because you know what can stop Anakin Skywalker from trolling the rest of the galaxy? that’s right, NOTHING). Honestly, I doubt this is the first time she’s done it.
LEIA: Aren’t you a little short for a stormtrooper?
She says it in this throaty, drawling voice, sounding rather like Lucius Malfoy’s long-lost twin sister. (Um.) Also, how much do I love that Luke is too short to make it even as cannon fodder?
So much.
Also, his reaction is hilarious.
LUKE: Huuuuuh?!
He’s totally forgotten he’s got a stormtrooper helmet on.
Ahahahaha, that scene in The Boiling Rock where Sokka bursts in to Suki’s cell and forgets he’s wearing a Fire Nation helmet has to be inspired by this. The world just became a more beautiful place.
He wrenches off his helmet, looking very pretty (is he wearing eyeliner?) aaaaaaaaand
LUKE: I’m Luke Skywalker, and I’m here to rescue you.
<3 <3 <3
Well, you can’t say he’s not straightforward.
Also, I think this is the first time we hear his full name. Up to this point he could have been Luke Lars for all we knew (though I’ll admit, I never had that impression).
LEIA, bemused: You’re who?
Heeeeeeeeh.
Luke repeats that he’s trying to rescue her, and he’s got her droid and Ben Kenobi. Which is not the name she’s familiar with, but it’s such a thin pseudonym that she instantly realizes who he’s talking about. (Because duh.) She asks where he is and dashes out, leaving Luke to run after her.
Switch to -- Vader’s chestplate? Okay, abrupt change of scene is abrupt.
VADER: He is here.
TARKIN: Obi-Wan Kenobi? What makes you think so?
VADER: A tremor in the Force. The last time I felt it was in the presence of my old master.
Well, it was a rather memorable occasion. Also, I love how OTT and fantastic this is, especially because Vader is completely matter-of-fact about it all and Tarkin is kind of o_O.
TARKIN, standing: Surely he must be dead by now.
...Why? He’s only, what, fifty-seven? I don’t see why Tarkin would have assumed he’d been killed at some point or another, either. “By now” makes it pretty clear, IMO, that Tarkin thinks it’s time, not Imperial diligence, that must have killed him.
Of course, ignoring the PT, we have no idea how old he is, other than “too old for this.” But he is strongly implied to have been around before the “Dark Times,” when members of his (“ancient”) religion could live openly.
VADER: Don’t underestimate the Force.
Going with the latter interpretation, that Obi-Wan really is that old and Tarkin’s assuming he must have died naturally in the last eighteen years, this would imply that the Force can extend life, though who knows how far. Going with the entirety of the primary canon, though, he’d be saying -- idk. That if a Jedi doesn’t want to be found he damn well won’t be found.
TARKIN: The Jedi are extinct. Their fire has gone out of the universe.
Their . . . fire.
lolwut?
I’ve got to say, there are a lot of words I can think of to describe the Jedi, but except for Anakin and Luke, fiery isn’t one of them. Just . . . ahahahahahahahahaha no.
I rather like this original idea of them as fiery paladins of truth and justice, though. *wistful*
TARKIN: You, my friend, are all that’s left of their religion.
Again, we see the Jedi as a religion, or at least a religious order, even if we don’t know what the exact tenets of their faith were. (I’d be interested in knowing, actually.) And it’s already been made quite clear that Vader retains his devotion to the faith, and is, ah, disturbed by others’ lack of it. There’s been a strong implication all along, too, that despite everything he continues to identify as a Jedi, but here it’s made explicit. Everybody regards him as a Jedi and he never once objects to anything but insults to the religion.
Also, people calling Vader their friend = always hilarious.
Tarkin is interrupted by his own comlink; the intercom voice informs him that there’s been an emergency alert in Leia’s cell block, and he orders the voice to put all sections on alert. Huh, this thing is the size of a moon; my, that must be an awful lot of people.
VADER: Obi-Wan is here.
Nanner nanner.
Seriously, does Anakin ever turn up the chance to gloat?
VADER: The Force is with him.
Duh, Anakin.
Okay, maybe he’s just explaining in very small words to Tarkin, who he’s clearly out of patience with.
Tarkin, now somewhat alarmed, says that Obi-Wan mustn’t be allowed to escape.
VADER: Escape is not his plan.
How do you know? I mean, obviously it’s some Force … thingy, but has he read Obi-Wan’s mind? Or is it a more fuzzy clairvoyance?
VADER: I must face him. Alone.
In case the previous “stfu Tarkin, you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about” was too subtle. He might as well have just said, “run along and don’t bother the grown-ups Jedi.”
He stalks off with a very impressive swirl of his cloak. Whatever his failings, you can’t say he doesn’t have style.
Switch to Obi-Wan, looking leery of something. All sorts of wonky telepathic stuff going on here, I expect. Oh, and there’s a random R2 unit in the background.
Back to the cell block, Chewbacca is standing at the doors. He gives a moan which I can only translate as “oh shit,” and Han screams at him to get behind him.
<3
The stormtroopers blast their way through and Han shoots at them as they come in, backing into the hallway -- he shoots one, missing all the others, and obviously they miss him too. But they’re supposed to, I think, because the plan is to let them escape. Or have they set that up yet? IDK. It’s kind of hard to tell stormtroopers who are trying to miss from stormtroopers who just suck.
He backs up far enough that Luke and Leia run up to him.
HAN: Can’t get out that way.
LEIA, harshly: Looks like you managed to cut off our only escape route!
<3
Never change, Leia.
Han turns to scowl down at her (Luke, lolariously, is biting his tongue -- literally, I mean). There’s some fabulous music playing, too.
HAN: Maybe you’d like it back in your cell, your Highness!
Okay, I thought the constant Highnessness you get in fic was a bit exaggerated, but here we go, proof. Also, instant UST is instant and pretty much indistinguishable from his initial response to Luke. Stormtroopers keep shooting and the twins -- I mean, Luke and Leia back away while Han shoots. I still don’t know if he’s actually managed to hit more than that one stormtrooper.
Luke calls Threepio through his comlink, shouting over the blasterfire, while Threepio explains in his most long-suffering voice that all the system have been alerted to their presence, the main entrance is the only possible egress, all other information is restricted, and --
Someone bangs at the door. Threepio seems panicked.
TROOPER: Open up in there!
THREEPIO: Oh no.
And back to our favourite Power Trio. Han does manage to shoot another stormtrooper while Luke and Leia are crouched together in the alcove -- they’re consistently paired together, I think, even at this point. Especially at this point.
Luke is trying to get more information out of poor Threepio, but Han shouts that he can’t hold them off much longer. Because you’ve been doing such a great job so far, Han.
LEIA: This is some rescue. When you came in here, did you have a plan for getting out?
Last post, I talked about the scene where my affection for Luke switched into eternal and undying love. This is where that happened for Leia. Hell yeah, Princess Leia.
HAN, snarling: He’s the brains, sweetheart!
Sadly, this is completely true. Does Han ever come up with plans?
LUKE: Well, I didn’t--
Leia, her mouth set, snatches Luke’s blaster out of his hands and blasts through a nearby grate. Ahahahahaha, I know what scene is coming. The one that traumatized me the first time I saw this.
HAN: What the hell are you doing?
Again, we get “hell” as a casual oath in canon. No need to make up random bizarre swear words, EU.
LEIA: Somebody has to save our skins!
Leia runs over to the hole (which nearly fried Han’s legs), shooting at stormtroopers all the while -- I’m not sure if she hits any either.
LEIA (to Han): Into the garbage chute, flyboy!
Then she pauses to toss Luke’s gun back to him. She’s considerate like that. :P
Chewie moans while Han and Luke shoot at stormtroopers, and Han tells him to get in and he doesn’t care what he smells. DUM DA DUM. Then he kicks the giant Wookiee with his armor-clad legs to make him get in.
Han looks over at Luke.
HAN: Wonderful girl!
Luke stares, then blinks.
HAN: Either I’m going to kill her, or I’m beginning to like her!
And one of the quintessential Slap Slap Kiss relationships is born.
Luke, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to be taking even the joking death threat particularly well. Or he’s jealous, I guess. But honestly, he doesn’t look jealous to me, just pissed.
Luke glances back at the stormtroopers and Han shouts at him to get in the chute, which is a small aww-moment. Luke promptly dives in and Han follows with a lulzy cry of WOOOOOOO.
They’ve all fallen into piles of garbage, of course, and Chewie bangs on the door.
HAN: Oh, the garbage chute was a really wonderful idea! What an incredible smell you’ve discovered!
Seriously, Han, STFU. Luke and Leia are the only ones who’ve tried to come up with solutions or shown the slightest traces of resourcefulness. Han just goes around having no ideas whatsoever but complaining about other people’s.
Leia’s expression manages to say what I just took three sentences to articulate. Carrie Fisher is awesome too.
HAN (to Chewbacca): Get away from there.
Oh look, he does have an idea!
LUKE: No, wait!
Han fires at the door, sending a blaster bolt ricocheting around the entire chute. Everyone ducks.
Okay. A really bad idea.
Hint: if a Skywalker thinks your idea is too reckless, you might want to reconsider it.
Luke goes all Fire Lord Ozai on him, flying from panicked to enraged in the blink of an eye, and not so much screaming as snarling --
LUKE: Will you forget it? I already tried it! It’s magnetically sealed!
Leia, not one to be left out when it comes to snarling, promptly joins him.
LEIA: Put that thing away! You’re going to get us all killed!
Heh, they sound exactly the same. Really: Leia’s voice now makes her sound less like Malfoy's (or Zhao's!) long-lost twin sister than Luke’s.
… Oh, wait.
Han slowly turns to face her, clearly pissed, though leaning a bit more towards “annoyed” than their RAAAAAAAAAAEG.
HAN: Absolutely, your Worship! I had everything under control until you led us down here?
What.
First of all, wtf Han? You yourself said you didn’t -- I mean -- what the --
;JAD;JFJK;AJK;DFA;JKDFAJ;KDFAKJ;D
Second of all, I can’t help but notice that Luke and Leia both shout at him -- in pretty much immediate succession -- but he only responds in kind to Leia, not Luke.
My shipping goggles, such as they are, are so scrambled by this movie that I don’t even know how to take that.
HAN, still whining: You know, it’s not going to take them long to find out what happened to us!
LEIA: It could be worse.
Yeah, it -- oh shit, did you just say that? Aloud? Are you trying to get killed?
Luke, who’s been poking around trying to get out while Han and Leia snap at each other, is interrupted by a roar from (drumroll, please) below. He stiffens and after a second everybody glances around.
HAN: It’s worse.
<3
LUKE: There’s something alive in here!
The tone is whiny. The content is OMGWTF.
HAN: That’s your imagination.
LUKE, breathlessly: Something just moved past my leg!
Chewie growls, and Luke points at a … tentacle thing sliding through the water.
LUKE: Look, did you see that?!!
HAN: What?
The TENTACLE THING, Han.
Chewie evidently saw it, because he takes up banging on the door again. Leia is staring in horror and backing up, Han’s glancing around in panic, and then
OMG AN EYEBALL ON A STALK POKING UP WTF I DON’T REMEMBER THE EYEBALL
Come on, what earthly purpose could the Empire have in keeping some eyeball stalked tentacle monster in their dumpster? Oh wait, it’s the Empire. Why’d I even ask?
To be evil, of course.
I’m not sure if our trio sees it. Luke’s looking every which way and then the tentacles wrap around his legs and pull him under.
HAN: LUKE!!!
His voice is hoarse, almost anguished. I have no doubts whatsoever about where to point the shipping goggles for this.
LEIA: Luke!
HAN: Luke! Luke!
Aww crap, now I do. Well, at least he can die knowing people care about him.
Han desperately digs around in the water, still shouting.
LEIA: Luke!
Her voice is about an octave higher than usual, her panic obvious, and Luke bobs up with a slimy, dirty tentacle wrapped around his throat. It’s … pretty gross to me, but I’m sure it hits a whole trifecta of fetishes for some people.
Leia grabs a pipe and holds out to him while Luke chokes, gasping for Han to blast the tentacle monster.
HAN: ...Where?
LUKE: Anywhere! Oh!
… okay.
Han obligingly shoots at him in general, which doesn’t seem to have much of an effect except really annoying the tentacle monster, who pulls him under again.
HAN: Luke! Luke!
He backs up from where the water’s bubbling up from Luke’s breath (I presume), moving around and trying to figure out what to shoot at, Leia’s gaze is fixed on the bubbles, and for a moment there’s this creepy silence -- Chewie finally shuts up, no music, no cries for Luke, just … bubbling. No wonder I was petrified as a kid.
(Fine, I was, like, fourteen. I didn’t deal well with suspense!)
There’s a metal bang of ominousness. On the bright side, Luke jumps out of the water.
LEIA, still shouting: What happened?
LUKE, also still shouting: I don’t know! It just let go of me and disappeared!
Luke coughs and there’s another sound of grinding metal.
HAN: I’ve got a very bad feeling about this.
Classic Line Time!
CLASSIC LINE: I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Variation: “I’ve got a very bad feeling about this” (same as the first, from Luke)
ITERATION: 2
SPEAKER: Han Solo (to Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia)
CONTEXT: About to get crushed by compactor.
Again, it’s not being used just to say “oh shit” but specifically means “I don’t know what this is, but I feel pretty sure it’s bad.”
More grating sounds and then the walls frigging close in.
No, this will never be less than completely terrifying. *bites lips*
LUKE: The walls are moving!!
Of the many occasions where his OMGWTFBBQ!!1! voice is completely justified, this has got to be the winner.
They move a little closer together for one horrified moment, Leia reaching vaguely towards the other two, then she grabs a heavy pole.
LEIA: Don’t just stand there! Do something!
Luke searches through the trash, Chewie tries to push the wall back without success, and Leia shouts at Han to help her lift the pole. She’s actually too short to get it high enough, I think, but Han holds it up for her. Luke then remembers that he has a comlink, which is apparently waterproof, and starts shrieking at Threepio …who we last left on the point of getting captured, for maximum audience angst.
You know, this is really very well edited.
Death tolls!
DARTH VADER
KILLS: 2 (Rebel guy; Anakin Skywalker)
OTHER: betrayed the Jedi; helped the Empire hunt down them down; tortured Princess Leia; choked Admiral Motti; bugged the Falcon
HAN SOLO
KILLS: 8 (Greedo, six nameless stormtroopers, gantry officer's aide)
OTHER: smuggler; works for the crime lord Jabba; shot at a bunch of stormtroopers
PRINCESS LEIA
KILLS: 1 (nameless stormtrooper)
OTHER: spy, sorta; politician; shot at a bunch of stormtroopers
LUKE SKYWALKER
KILLS: 1 (nameless stormtrooper)
OTHER: whines sometimes, shot at people
GOVERNOR TARKIN
KILLS: billions (every occupant of the planet Alderaan)
OTHER: ordered the execution of Princess Leia
CHEWBACCA
KILLS: 2 (gantry officer; unnamed officer; shot at people)
Summary
(1) Han is an awful liar. Luke, as far as we see, is a fairly smooth one.
(2) Stormtroopers have minimum height requirements, apparently. Whatever it is, it's taller than Luke -- which isn't saying a lot.
(3) Luke's last name is Skywalker. (Hey, we just found out.)
(4) Vader senses Obi-Wan's presence as a distinct tremor in the Force.
(5) Tarkin is absolutely convinced that Obi-Wan must be dead by now; Vader attributes his apparently miraculous survival to the power of the Force.
(6) The Jedi were members of a religion, elsewhere described as ancient, which Vader still adheres to. Vader is also consistently described as a Jedi now.
(7) The Jedi brought fire into the galaxy. Or were a sort of fire. Or something.
(8) Vader can tell, somehow, that Obi-Wan doesn't plan on escaping.
(9) Han casually uses "hell" as a swear-word.
(10) Luke and Leia's rages sound pretty much exactly the same.
(11) Han and Leia completely flip out when Luke is attacked by the tentacle monster, Han slightly more so.