Comments | elfhawk: On Editing

elfhawk

On Editing

Jan 06, 2011 16:58

So I've got 50000 words of text I need to proofread. I took December off because by the end of NaNoWriMo, I basically had the entire thing memorized and couldn't see typos because I knew what the sentence was supposed to say. Carmen happily helped out with a lot of the grammar stuff that I would've spotted during the proofreading, so I changed my ( Read more... )

writing

Comments 39

carmenwoods January 8 2011, 02:17:27 UTC

Woot!!

I sort of petered out there with the proofreading. If you'd like, let me know where you want me to start back up again.

Proofreading and general notes for Prologue and Part 1 carmenwoods January 18 2011, 01:03:29 UTC

Because I'm too lazy to post in each individual section, I post here. Not all of these are typos - I'm including some questions about background and context that occurred to me on this latest read-through, and some quibbles about word choice you should feel free to quibble right back about.

I'll post my notes for the next parts as I get to them. Gaah, and I have to break this post up because it's too long. Bah.

=====

Prologue

They barely registered as present, but there were so many crowded in here now the air was beginning to feel heavy.
(The "here" reads a little strangely since all your POVs are 3rd-person rather than 1st.)

He watched her tuck something small and shiny into one of the belt's many pockets.
(Would a belt have pockets rather than pouches?)

"Just because they locked him up doesn't necessarily mean they were wrong to," the elf warned, but flounced away anyways.
("anyways" seems a little dialect-y for non-dialogue.)

The thoughtful gaze ... a liveliness to her gaze ... always had the same distrustful gaze ...
(The ( ... )

Re: Proofreading and general notes for Prologue and Part 1 elfhawk January 18 2011, 17:10:26 UTC

The here sounded odd to me when I wrote it, but I didn't care much at the time (there was a time limit, after all), and it didn't register as important in the various skim-overs I did. How about "They barely registered as present, but now there were so many crowded into the dusty storeroom that the air felt heavy ( ... )

Re: Proofreading and general notes for Prologue and Part 1 carmenwoods January 18 2011, 17:59:02 UTC

Yar, that sounds great. I just balked at the "here".

Cool - so it's more like Batman's utility belt. Only Petra would never wear such an eye-wrenching yellow.

Yeah, especially since Teilomere seems more precise in his wording and all.

And, I admit I like my adjectives a certain way and keep itching to rearrange them. It's a personal failing.

Re: Proofreading and general notes for Prologue and Part 1 elfhawk January 18 2011, 18:12:06 UTC

Teilomere actually describes Petra's belt for you. I suppose kit belt was a bit subtle. I just didn't want to say utility belt, because it is too associated with Batman. I knew the term kit belt from my military novels, so I figured it would be safe to use.

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Proofreading and general notes for Prologue and Part 1 (cont'd) carmenwoods January 18 2011, 01:03:49 UTC

Part 1

Her long-legged burrowing owl had been carefully transferred to Tae’s armored shoulders after his long talons had drawn blood one too many times.
(Mantha doesn't get named in the first paragraph about him, and it might be a little confusing for any reader who doesn't know him already when his name shows up down the page. Also, he doesn't appear in the prologue either, and is at risk of "sudden plot device syndrome". Now that I think of it, Teilomere doesn't meet Snow when the party gets introduced to the reader, either.)

“What could have happened?” Tae said as they approached the open entrance slowly. She had returned Mantha to Odette’s shoulder. Carmen had stitched one of her leather scraps into Odette’s gown for the owl to grip onto.
(This paragraph reads a little "clipped", if that makes sense.)Before anybody could question her, she pointed to one of the windows on the ground floor. “It’s a house of pleasure. The girls don’t get out much. The only thing she could give us is a time line, and that’s really not necessary at ( ... )

Re: Proofreading and general notes for Prologue and Part 1 (cont'd) elfhawk January 18 2011, 18:06:01 UTC

They're outside animals. Odette would never have Mantha anywhere near combat if she has a choice- not when he's basically a piece of her and she feels whatever he does. And Snow doesn't do buildings any more than Carmen and Athena do. He didn't go inside the temple either, and the only reason he was in the house was to insure that the trolls didn't see him. I suppose I could have him lounging outside doors more to make that more obvious ( ... )

Re: Proofreading and general notes for Prologue and Part 1 (cont'd) carmenwoods January 18 2011, 18:40:45 UTC

Yeah, "looked around" should be perfect. Or, "he told her fervently, (before) looking up". The "then" makes it need to be past tense, but without it or with a different preposition you could keep the gerund.

Part 2 carmenwoods January 19 2011, 04:42:38 UTC

There couldn’t be all that many on Caldonia, they reasoned, since the original mountain range the first orcs had hurled themselves down onto the world from was half a world away.
(Maybe there's no better way to phrase it, but this sentence always takes me a bit longer than it should to chew through, and the double "worlds" sticks a bit. Dunno.)

Those they had spoken to about Crunch knew of the race only through the stories of minstrels and sailors.
(Maybe "Those people they had spoken to"? The flow of the paragraph makes it seem as if "those" is the mountains.)

he is too dear to my heart for me to distance myself enough from him to view him in my visions,
(The middle one perhaps should go, it's a little cumbersome like this, imo.)

Or it's a metaphorical death and Tae decides she'd rather be a priestess of Elisar Ibryiil rather than the Protector-”
(Sorry. I keep spotting doubled-up words that I feel I should at least point out.)

“Some of us also would not be welcomed as worshipers by the Court,” Odette pointed out. The pantheon of ( ... )

Re: Part 2 elfhawk January 19 2011, 16:49:43 UTC

So many repetitions to give the boot to ( ... )

Re: Part 2 carmenwoods January 19 2011, 17:11:39 UTC

Ah, yes, that trim-down reads much smoother.

The revamp of the territory sentence makes more sense now, too. Awesome.

Cool, thanks. I wasn't following Petra's thought process and was curious as to what she was going to say.

The hyphens are ambiguous punctuation. It's obvious you need them when you're writing "26-year-old", but when you spell out the number all proper-like, the hyphens just look like too much. Even though I'm pretty sure they're supposed to be there rules-wise, I'm not very fond of them in such a long string of characters either. Eh.

Part 3, and Tiny Story carmenwoods January 20 2011, 02:25:09 UTC

I hope I'm actually helping more than annoying. I'm looking forward to reading more!!

Wow, damn. This post is a thousand characters too long, and I have to split it up.

=====

“I was not the one who looked into the matters at Redbrook and accepted the investigator’s report that intruders had sacrificed the brothers in a dark ritual.
(Needs a comma after "Redbrook" to separate the clauses.)

There have been reports of evil magic leaking from there and I have been asked to go and fix the problem.
(It just occurred to me - Vister was sent *alone* for something as important as this? Makes me wonder if some head priest expected her to fail and the prisoner be released. Either that or she's actually a total badass. I kinda hope she gets rezzed.)

I have obtained an orb of teleportation that will allow for two trips, but the seller did not inform me of the fact that its use is inaccessible to divine energies.”
(Oh, yeah. This is why I thought that she'd purchased the orb instead of got sent a-questing with it.)Vister's armored foot came ( ... )

Re: Part 3, and Tiny Story elfhawk January 20 2011, 16:38:44 UTC

All feedback is helpful. Except for giant red x's labeled 'this is crap, you suck ( ... )

Re: Part 3, and Tiny Story carmenwoods January 20 2011, 18:01:40 UTC

Re: Vister - total badass=awesome. And yeah - it makes sense because people are like that in general anyway. I still want to shake her and go, "You could be even cooler!" of course.

...Oh god. She was the character from the Willow books. Ah, well. She was the character I liked best out of them, at least. It's been a long time since I read them, and my brain was trying to equate it with chthonic instead. It's still a sweet name, though.

Ahkay, "the underneath" makes sense. I was torn on interpreting it that way, or assuming it was another typo. Sorry!

I just love archaic and obsolete spellings. Mmmm.

Yar, fade is more apt. Complaint resolved!

Re: Part 3, and Tiny Story elfhawk January 20 2011, 18:52:15 UTC

I actually hadn't planned on having Vister show back up (aside from the whole 'dead body' thing). But I could probably have some stuff in the background concerning rezzing her and have her show up again and them be all 'o0'. She's the sun-knights' token girl and her mother is a powerful priestess, so it isn't completely unreasonable. It depends on where the story goes. She would continue to be less cool than she could be though ( ... )

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