"Bingo" Chapter One -Part II-
Title: Bingo
Chapter: One: Part II
Author: El Kitano
Rating: R for ninja language and ninja violence
Summary: In the time directly following the Uchiha massacre, an ANBU team consisting of Kakashi, Gai, and Tenzou is deployed to search for the missing-nin Itachi Uchiha. Unknown to all but a select few, the mission is really a sham in order to provide cover for Danzou's nefarious plot. Led by Shikaku, the team encounters feminist kunoichi tribes, fluffy creatures from lore, and various other shenanigans. This is the tale of those shenanigans...
Previous: Chapter One Part I
Shikaku watched a wary Tenzō disappear into the woods with amusement. As the teenager left his view, his smile fell to a scowl. While the arrival of the novice was felicitous in its timing, it worried him as well. Tenzō lacked the killer instinct and suspicious nature ubiquitous to the more-veteran ANBU: this would make it less likely that he would become wise to the fraudulent nature of the mission, but at the same time, all the more unusual that he would be assigned to such a dangerous task.
It truly would be a trial by fire.
The only possible way to keep the Leaf leaders’ charade from drawing suspicion was to balance Tenzō’s inexperience with ANBU of superior records. He himself was a given-only he could act as Itachi and Danzō’s go-between while, at the same time, keeping the ANBU at a safe distance while maintaining the appearance of persistence. Any of Danzō’s dogs in Root could undoubtedly fill the role, but he did not trust them to place the lives of the ANBU squad as their top priority. No-the only way to ensure the safety of all Konoha shinobi involved was for him to be present.
Inwardly Shikaku grimaced. He knew, had he thought Itachi to be a true missing-nin, whom he would expect to be sent after him; likewise, he knew whom everyone who did believe him to be a criminal would surely expect. They would expect blood, and they would expect Sharingan Kakashi to draw it for them.
As the only sharingan-user remaining, it would be assumed that Kakashi would be sent. In addition, Kakashi was currently the captain of Squad 1, the assassination squad. The foremost duty of this squad was to bring such people as Itachi Uchiha to justice. Were Kakashi not to be sent, the question “why not?” would surely be echoing in the minds of all concerned, drawing dangerous scrutiny.
Shikaku closed his eyes and attempted to arrange the pieces upon the game board of his mind. It all seemed impossible: he had to create a strategy and a team to execute said strategy. They both had to appear to be what he would have chosen with the intent to pursue and capture Itachi Uchiha, while at the same time, being predetermined to fail in that mission.
To quote his son, it was troublesome.
----
The Zoo was filled with smoke when Tenzō reached it. Using a water jutsu, he dispelled what he could. An ANBU lie unconscious upon the floor. Tenzō took firm hold of his new tanto blade and squatted at the man’s side. He had a steady pulse. The young ANBU tensed when he heard the seal open, but it was only Shikaku.
“What’s his problem?” Shikaku laughed and kicked the fallen ANBU’s rear. Tenzō pulled out an empty container of raspberry yogurt from beneath his armor and shrugged. “In all fairness, she did warn him. It looks like a genjutsu. He should regain consciousness in a few hours at most.”
Tenzō straightened himself and walked to the uniform-supply closet. After a few minutes of clunking and rifling-hullabaloo he returned wearing a new mask, which Shikaku found incredibly amusing.
“He’s only eight, you know-“ Shikaku patted Tenzō on the shoulder, “-if you let him get to you that easily, I’d hate to think how easy the enemy could manipulate you.”
“I was not manipulated!” Tenzō removed the mask, his eyes widened, affronted, “He had a viable point.”
“Fine, fine, have it your way. What is that thing supposed to be anyway, a skunk?”
“I thought it was a badger.” he replaced the mask, only to have it slip over his eyes.
“Fine. It’s a badger: one that will never stay up. This was a waste of time…” Shikaku placed his hands on his hips and looked around disparagingly. “I was really hoping Kakashi would be here… it was a long-shot, though. He usually keeps to himself.”
“Kakashi? as in Kakashi Hatake? The Copy-Nin of Konoha?”
“Yeah-I’m putting him on the squad-try not to get so star-struck. We need his nose and more importantly, we need his eyes. He’s the best assassin ANBU has to offer and if my ass is going to be starting shit with Uchiha Itachi, I want that bastard behind my back.”
Tenzō’s mask fell from his face completely, “Uchiha Itachi! You didn’t say-“
“Shh-that’s classified. C’mon. We’ll try the training grounds.”
---
When Shikaku and Tenzō did manage to find Kakashi, it was on a bench outside of the bookstore. Seated next to him was the man Tenzō recognized as the legendary taijutsuist, Might Guy. Both appeared to be reading the same book: Kejutsu: Chaos Theory and Dynamical Systems.* While Kakashi seemed oblivious to the world around him, his counter-part frequently made pauses to check his progress in comparison to that of his rival’s, or to make a rapt, “Hrmm….” noise. Tenzō continued to watch in interest as Kakashi turned a page and crossed his legs; Guy did the same.
Kakashi made a small “hmm,” of interest.
“Hrmmm?” Guy leaned over his companion’s shoulder, then back, to re-read his last sentence. “Hmm…. Say, Kakashi-let’s see how hip you are with the latest scientific knowings and hoo-ha-do you think everything is chaos?” he asked boldly.
Without looking up Kakashi responded, “Well, as you can see through this chaotic mathematical model, the relativity of the deterministic-“
Guy blinked several times in rapid succession as the words flew over his head. Briefly, he imagined himself, glistening with oils, racing a unicorn on a beach into the sunset. This fantasy continued for the majority of Kakashi’s explanation, which concluded with, “-on a one-dimensional logistic map.”
Guy looked back and forth between his book and Kakashi several times. After many moments of silence he said, “So… that’s a ‘no,’ then?”
“Yo, commander.” Kakashi waved in Shikaku’s general direction without abandoning his text.
“Kakashi-good to see you’re keeping your wits well-trained. You get my message?”
The grey-haired man closed his book with a snap and looked up. Guy did the same. “Yes, I did-he’s doing as well as can be expected. When are we going after him?”
“’we?’” Shikaku crossed his arms with a wry smile.
“Well, me. I assume I’m going-you need my eye.” Kakashi scratched his neck nervously, “am I right, commander?”
“Yes… you’re right. As the captain of squad 1 and the only sharingan-user we’ve got left, you’re essential for that.”
“Well aren’t we special.” Guy muttered to himself.
“Guess I’d better go ready the squad.” Kakashi began to rise but his elder stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.
“Don’t bother; I’m forming a new squad just for the occasion.” Shikaku explained, “You, Kakashi, Guy, and myself… oh, and Tenkō here.”
“Tenzō.”
Kakashi looked doubtful. “You’re going to send some jounin after Itachi Uchiha-an S-class criminal and former ANBU captain? Is he supposed to be live-bait or something?”
Shikaku narrowed his eyes. “Listen, kid-this isn’t just ‘some jounin.’ He’s got one of the most powerful dōjutsu I’ve ever seen-he made a freaking waterfall in Inoichi Yamanaka’s backyard, for crying out loud.”
Kakashi shrugged and kept silent, but still seemed unconvinced.
“So, commander,” Guy asked, “did you choose me because I’m the best for the job, or because I was the first ANBU you saw after Kakashi.”
Kakashi snorted to himself and muttered what sounded suspiciously to Shikaku like, “he would.”
Shikaku sighed. “Can’t anyone just accept the decisions I make? How annoying… I chose you because you have more experience battling sharingan-users than anyone I know. And you’re really good at breaking down doors.”
Guy seemed satisfied and winked. “You know Squad Four will always be more than happy to break down some doors for you, commander.”
Shikaku ignored this and clapped his hands together, “Okay, men. Let’s move this little tea party to the training grounds, shall we?”
Tenzō let loose a dejected sigh and followed the others through the pine groves to Training Ground Four. Shikaku motioned for them to sit as he himself leaned against a practice post. Tenzō sat neatly in the lotus position in the grass. Guy, who insisted that sitting was for the weak and undisciplined, remained standing. Kakashi perched himself in the tree above. He claimed this to be for security purposes. Shikaku shook his head at this but soldiered onward. “Okay, I’ve never worked with any of you before, so why don’t we start off with a little introduction exercise-yeah, yeah I know it’s cliché but just do it, alright? The Hokage insists that the ANBU be made more… humane.” the hypocrisy of it all left a bitter taste on his tongue.
“So, tell me about yourselves. You know, you’re likes, dislikes…hopes for the future, that sort of thing.”
“Could you maybe go first,” Tenzō began, “just so we have an example?”
“Okay…” Shikaku looked up at the clouds thoughtfully. “I like playing gō and shōgi with my son-I dislike being beaten by my son at shōgi and gō. My hope for the future is to live long enough to teach my grandkids shōgi and gō.”
“I really hate children…” Kakashi muttered from above.
“What was that?” the commander narrowed his eyes dangerously.
“I said, ‘I re-‘” Guy flicked an acorn in between Kakashi’s mismatched eyes, who wriggled his nose in annoyance.
“He says ‘I really love shōgi.’”
“Right. Well, let’s go clockwise.” Shikaku gestured lazily toward Tenzō.
“Oh! Er… my likes… I like studying architecture…my dislikes… I severely dislike snakes and pedophiles, and my hope for the future is to create a building as beautiful as the First Hokage’s Capital Building.”
Guy squeezed Tenzō’s shoulder. “That is a truly splendid ambition, my pine-scented friend, worthy of the one imbued with our great founder’s dōjutsu.”
“Err… thanks.”
Shikaku smiled, “Your turn, Guy.”
“Well, I like training, maintaining impeccable oral hygiene, and super-spicy food. I don’t dislike anything. My goal for the future is to beat Kakashi until he burns with the youthful imprint of my foot on his pale-genius behind.”
Kakashi paled. “That’s… a little strange, Guy.”
Guy closed his eyes and smiled, “Maybe so, Kakashi-but you have to admit you could use some color.”
Kakashi blinked and continued to stare at Guy in mild alarm. He relocated further upward.
“Okay, sunshine, your turn.” Shikaku muttered.
“Ah.” Kakashi smiled with his eyes from above, “I dislike lots of things.”
Shikaku rolled his eyes. “Okay, and what do you like?”
“Not much…” he drew lazy circles in the bark with a kunai, “Dogs?” he offered.
“Okay… I’m afraid to ask… your hopes for the future?”
“Well, the same as every ANBU, I suppose: not to die a horribly gruesome death before the age of twenty-
five….”
“Kakashi…” Shikaku sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration, “Aren’t you a genius or some shit? Can you try not being such a social-retard for once?” He gestured to the younger man’s position pointedly.
The grey-haired ninja shrugged and dropped to the ground beside the others.
Meanwhile, Guy’s eyes were glistening with manly tears. “You know, Kakashi… my Grammy-Might read me a story once… about a puppet who wanted to be a real boy, but no matter how hard he tried… he could never truly snatch his humanity-“ Guy gripped his rival’s shoulder tightly, “-Kakashi, my prematurely-grey friend-you are just like that little puppet… just…struggling to become a real boy.”
Kakashi blinked and raised his hand. “I would like to modify my answer. “I dislike lots of things,” he pointed sideways, “including him.”
“Words hurt, you know!” Guy continued to explain how a good, well-spirited rivalry was healthy for two strapping young handsome devils such as themselves but was interrupted by the cry of a hawk, circling above.
“Thank you.” Tenzō whispered to an unseen power.
“Alright, let’s head to the Hokage’s office: time to make this crazy-parade official.”
Kakashi took immediately to the trees, then the rooftops. Guy straightened proudly and assumed a pose reminiscent of a flamingo with an itch on its back (if such a thing can be imagined). “A race! Excellent idea, my cunning rival. Let this become the first of many contests of youth!” He took off in a cloud of dirt.
Tenzō coughed and covered his eyes with his arm to avoid inhaling the ensuing haze of dust. Shikaku nudged him with his shoulder. “Not in the racing mood, huh, kid?”
“Not so much.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*To avoid confusion, I’ve decided to use the English for ANBU code-names. Shikaku’s name was chosen as Tom-Cat, because in Japanese it shares a kanji with the slang that can be roughly translated as, “drunk-ass”.
* Donguri = acorn
*Kejutsu: A word I made up for divination jutsu.
Chapter: One: Part II
Author: El Kitano
Rating: R for ninja language and ninja violence
Summary: In the time directly following the Uchiha massacre, an ANBU team consisting of Kakashi, Gai, and Tenzou is deployed to search for the missing-nin Itachi Uchiha. Unknown to all but a select few, the mission is really a sham in order to provide cover for Danzou's nefarious plot. Led by Shikaku, the team encounters feminist kunoichi tribes, fluffy creatures from lore, and various other shenanigans. This is the tale of those shenanigans...
Previous: Chapter One Part I
Shikaku watched a wary Tenzō disappear into the woods with amusement. As the teenager left his view, his smile fell to a scowl. While the arrival of the novice was felicitous in its timing, it worried him as well. Tenzō lacked the killer instinct and suspicious nature ubiquitous to the more-veteran ANBU: this would make it less likely that he would become wise to the fraudulent nature of the mission, but at the same time, all the more unusual that he would be assigned to such a dangerous task.
It truly would be a trial by fire.
The only possible way to keep the Leaf leaders’ charade from drawing suspicion was to balance Tenzō’s inexperience with ANBU of superior records. He himself was a given-only he could act as Itachi and Danzō’s go-between while, at the same time, keeping the ANBU at a safe distance while maintaining the appearance of persistence. Any of Danzō’s dogs in Root could undoubtedly fill the role, but he did not trust them to place the lives of the ANBU squad as their top priority. No-the only way to ensure the safety of all Konoha shinobi involved was for him to be present.
Inwardly Shikaku grimaced. He knew, had he thought Itachi to be a true missing-nin, whom he would expect to be sent after him; likewise, he knew whom everyone who did believe him to be a criminal would surely expect. They would expect blood, and they would expect Sharingan Kakashi to draw it for them.
As the only sharingan-user remaining, it would be assumed that Kakashi would be sent. In addition, Kakashi was currently the captain of Squad 1, the assassination squad. The foremost duty of this squad was to bring such people as Itachi Uchiha to justice. Were Kakashi not to be sent, the question “why not?” would surely be echoing in the minds of all concerned, drawing dangerous scrutiny.
Shikaku closed his eyes and attempted to arrange the pieces upon the game board of his mind. It all seemed impossible: he had to create a strategy and a team to execute said strategy. They both had to appear to be what he would have chosen with the intent to pursue and capture Itachi Uchiha, while at the same time, being predetermined to fail in that mission.
To quote his son, it was troublesome.
----
The Zoo was filled with smoke when Tenzō reached it. Using a water jutsu, he dispelled what he could. An ANBU lie unconscious upon the floor. Tenzō took firm hold of his new tanto blade and squatted at the man’s side. He had a steady pulse. The young ANBU tensed when he heard the seal open, but it was only Shikaku.
“What’s his problem?” Shikaku laughed and kicked the fallen ANBU’s rear. Tenzō pulled out an empty container of raspberry yogurt from beneath his armor and shrugged. “In all fairness, she did warn him. It looks like a genjutsu. He should regain consciousness in a few hours at most.”
Tenzō straightened himself and walked to the uniform-supply closet. After a few minutes of clunking and rifling-hullabaloo he returned wearing a new mask, which Shikaku found incredibly amusing.
“He’s only eight, you know-“ Shikaku patted Tenzō on the shoulder, “-if you let him get to you that easily, I’d hate to think how easy the enemy could manipulate you.”
“I was not manipulated!” Tenzō removed the mask, his eyes widened, affronted, “He had a viable point.”
“Fine, fine, have it your way. What is that thing supposed to be anyway, a skunk?”
“I thought it was a badger.” he replaced the mask, only to have it slip over his eyes.
“Fine. It’s a badger: one that will never stay up. This was a waste of time…” Shikaku placed his hands on his hips and looked around disparagingly. “I was really hoping Kakashi would be here… it was a long-shot, though. He usually keeps to himself.”
“Kakashi? as in Kakashi Hatake? The Copy-Nin of Konoha?”
“Yeah-I’m putting him on the squad-try not to get so star-struck. We need his nose and more importantly, we need his eyes. He’s the best assassin ANBU has to offer and if my ass is going to be starting shit with Uchiha Itachi, I want that bastard behind my back.”
Tenzō’s mask fell from his face completely, “Uchiha Itachi! You didn’t say-“
“Shh-that’s classified. C’mon. We’ll try the training grounds.”
---
When Shikaku and Tenzō did manage to find Kakashi, it was on a bench outside of the bookstore. Seated next to him was the man Tenzō recognized as the legendary taijutsuist, Might Guy. Both appeared to be reading the same book: Kejutsu: Chaos Theory and Dynamical Systems.* While Kakashi seemed oblivious to the world around him, his counter-part frequently made pauses to check his progress in comparison to that of his rival’s, or to make a rapt, “Hrmm….” noise. Tenzō continued to watch in interest as Kakashi turned a page and crossed his legs; Guy did the same.
Kakashi made a small “hmm,” of interest.
“Hrmmm?” Guy leaned over his companion’s shoulder, then back, to re-read his last sentence. “Hmm…. Say, Kakashi-let’s see how hip you are with the latest scientific knowings and hoo-ha-do you think everything is chaos?” he asked boldly.
Without looking up Kakashi responded, “Well, as you can see through this chaotic mathematical model, the relativity of the deterministic-“
Guy blinked several times in rapid succession as the words flew over his head. Briefly, he imagined himself, glistening with oils, racing a unicorn on a beach into the sunset. This fantasy continued for the majority of Kakashi’s explanation, which concluded with, “-on a one-dimensional logistic map.”
Guy looked back and forth between his book and Kakashi several times. After many moments of silence he said, “So… that’s a ‘no,’ then?”
“Yo, commander.” Kakashi waved in Shikaku’s general direction without abandoning his text.
“Kakashi-good to see you’re keeping your wits well-trained. You get my message?”
The grey-haired man closed his book with a snap and looked up. Guy did the same. “Yes, I did-he’s doing as well as can be expected. When are we going after him?”
“’we?’” Shikaku crossed his arms with a wry smile.
“Well, me. I assume I’m going-you need my eye.” Kakashi scratched his neck nervously, “am I right, commander?”
“Yes… you’re right. As the captain of squad 1 and the only sharingan-user we’ve got left, you’re essential for that.”
“Well aren’t we special.” Guy muttered to himself.
“Guess I’d better go ready the squad.” Kakashi began to rise but his elder stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.
“Don’t bother; I’m forming a new squad just for the occasion.” Shikaku explained, “You, Kakashi, Guy, and myself… oh, and Tenkō here.”
“Tenzō.”
Kakashi looked doubtful. “You’re going to send some jounin after Itachi Uchiha-an S-class criminal and former ANBU captain? Is he supposed to be live-bait or something?”
Shikaku narrowed his eyes. “Listen, kid-this isn’t just ‘some jounin.’ He’s got one of the most powerful dōjutsu I’ve ever seen-he made a freaking waterfall in Inoichi Yamanaka’s backyard, for crying out loud.”
Kakashi shrugged and kept silent, but still seemed unconvinced.
“So, commander,” Guy asked, “did you choose me because I’m the best for the job, or because I was the first ANBU you saw after Kakashi.”
Kakashi snorted to himself and muttered what sounded suspiciously to Shikaku like, “he would.”
Shikaku sighed. “Can’t anyone just accept the decisions I make? How annoying… I chose you because you have more experience battling sharingan-users than anyone I know. And you’re really good at breaking down doors.”
Guy seemed satisfied and winked. “You know Squad Four will always be more than happy to break down some doors for you, commander.”
Shikaku ignored this and clapped his hands together, “Okay, men. Let’s move this little tea party to the training grounds, shall we?”
Tenzō let loose a dejected sigh and followed the others through the pine groves to Training Ground Four. Shikaku motioned for them to sit as he himself leaned against a practice post. Tenzō sat neatly in the lotus position in the grass. Guy, who insisted that sitting was for the weak and undisciplined, remained standing. Kakashi perched himself in the tree above. He claimed this to be for security purposes. Shikaku shook his head at this but soldiered onward. “Okay, I’ve never worked with any of you before, so why don’t we start off with a little introduction exercise-yeah, yeah I know it’s cliché but just do it, alright? The Hokage insists that the ANBU be made more… humane.” the hypocrisy of it all left a bitter taste on his tongue.
“So, tell me about yourselves. You know, you’re likes, dislikes…hopes for the future, that sort of thing.”
“Could you maybe go first,” Tenzō began, “just so we have an example?”
“Okay…” Shikaku looked up at the clouds thoughtfully. “I like playing gō and shōgi with my son-I dislike being beaten by my son at shōgi and gō. My hope for the future is to live long enough to teach my grandkids shōgi and gō.”
“I really hate children…” Kakashi muttered from above.
“What was that?” the commander narrowed his eyes dangerously.
“I said, ‘I re-‘” Guy flicked an acorn in between Kakashi’s mismatched eyes, who wriggled his nose in annoyance.
“He says ‘I really love shōgi.’”
“Right. Well, let’s go clockwise.” Shikaku gestured lazily toward Tenzō.
“Oh! Er… my likes… I like studying architecture…my dislikes… I severely dislike snakes and pedophiles, and my hope for the future is to create a building as beautiful as the First Hokage’s Capital Building.”
Guy squeezed Tenzō’s shoulder. “That is a truly splendid ambition, my pine-scented friend, worthy of the one imbued with our great founder’s dōjutsu.”
“Err… thanks.”
Shikaku smiled, “Your turn, Guy.”
“Well, I like training, maintaining impeccable oral hygiene, and super-spicy food. I don’t dislike anything. My goal for the future is to beat Kakashi until he burns with the youthful imprint of my foot on his pale-genius behind.”
Kakashi paled. “That’s… a little strange, Guy.”
Guy closed his eyes and smiled, “Maybe so, Kakashi-but you have to admit you could use some color.”
Kakashi blinked and continued to stare at Guy in mild alarm. He relocated further upward.
“Okay, sunshine, your turn.” Shikaku muttered.
“Ah.” Kakashi smiled with his eyes from above, “I dislike lots of things.”
Shikaku rolled his eyes. “Okay, and what do you like?”
“Not much…” he drew lazy circles in the bark with a kunai, “Dogs?” he offered.
“Okay… I’m afraid to ask… your hopes for the future?”
“Well, the same as every ANBU, I suppose: not to die a horribly gruesome death before the age of twenty-
five….”
“Kakashi…” Shikaku sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration, “Aren’t you a genius or some shit? Can you try not being such a social-retard for once?” He gestured to the younger man’s position pointedly.
The grey-haired ninja shrugged and dropped to the ground beside the others.
Meanwhile, Guy’s eyes were glistening with manly tears. “You know, Kakashi… my Grammy-Might read me a story once… about a puppet who wanted to be a real boy, but no matter how hard he tried… he could never truly snatch his humanity-“ Guy gripped his rival’s shoulder tightly, “-Kakashi, my prematurely-grey friend-you are just like that little puppet… just…struggling to become a real boy.”
Kakashi blinked and raised his hand. “I would like to modify my answer. “I dislike lots of things,” he pointed sideways, “including him.”
“Words hurt, you know!” Guy continued to explain how a good, well-spirited rivalry was healthy for two strapping young handsome devils such as themselves but was interrupted by the cry of a hawk, circling above.
“Thank you.” Tenzō whispered to an unseen power.
“Alright, let’s head to the Hokage’s office: time to make this crazy-parade official.”
Kakashi took immediately to the trees, then the rooftops. Guy straightened proudly and assumed a pose reminiscent of a flamingo with an itch on its back (if such a thing can be imagined). “A race! Excellent idea, my cunning rival. Let this become the first of many contests of youth!” He took off in a cloud of dirt.
Tenzō coughed and covered his eyes with his arm to avoid inhaling the ensuing haze of dust. Shikaku nudged him with his shoulder. “Not in the racing mood, huh, kid?”
“Not so much.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*To avoid confusion, I’ve decided to use the English for ANBU code-names. Shikaku’s name was chosen as Tom-Cat, because in Japanese it shares a kanji with the slang that can be roughly translated as, “drunk-ass”.
* Donguri = acorn
*Kejutsu: A word I made up for divination jutsu.