The Price of Self-Worth
The dismantled KGB would weep for the lack of subtlety discovered in my online checking account Monday morning:
CHECKCARD ACTIVITY: RUSSIANCUPIDS.COM LONDON $29.99
CHECKCARD ACTIVITY: RUSSIANCUPIDS.COM LONDON $29.99
CHECKCARD ACTIVITY: RUSSIANCUPIDS.COM LONDON $29.99
And while I would never willingly deny anyone their own personal Russian Cupid, I also wonder what would be worth $89.97. Or to be more specific, I shudder to think of the possibilities. I remember my Air Force roommate in Korea who started dressing better, and wearing expensive cologne when he started paying locals for sex. All of a sudden my self-imposed celibacy seemed sane. It was the one thing I never wavered on the entire 12-months I was there.
But I was in a different place then, too. My longtime childhood girlfriend had broken up with me; the one who demanded total honesty from me then left me when I gave it to her. As I work through issues I require perspectives which differ from my own. I seek out those who will disagree with me so I may learn from them. The more someone disagrees with me, the more I learn, the more I learn the more I incorporate, the more I incorporate the more I change - as does the person I am in disagreement with. Over time - because of the learning process involved in dissimilar ideas - we both become stronger. She viewed disagreements as distasteful. And while I never enjoyed fighting with her (and fight we did), I did enjoy the exchange of ideas when she could separate the two.
I also hated all women during this period in my life. I'm sure in part because of my girlfriend (its hard to effect any change when you're 7,000 miles away in a locked tour) and in part because of the blatant intent behind the local culture which existed right outside the front gate of Osan. But mostly it was the things I saw on base between American military men and women. While I admit to being surprised at the level of depravity I found there, I was mostly saddened at the pervasiveness of deceit. Then again, we all have our own personal thresholds of tolerance.
Looking back today, and piecing together everything else that went along with my roommate splashing on cologne for his "date" what with the improved hygiene and dressing better - I wonder if what he was paying for wasn't sex, but therapy. Knowing his childhood difficulties and the hurdles which had been placed before him in breaking free of his shackles, perhaps this was his path to discovering self-worth? I became comfortable with who I was during my time in Korea - albeit not extrinsically and certainly without banging Asian chicks - and while my path afforded me much permanent significance in learning about myself, doesn't his path sound more...fun?
I recently ran across someone who's self-worth waxed and waned depending upon (in part) his level of sexual involvement with another. This type of individual seems incapable of intrinsic motivation. I hope what I saw in my roommate was self-confidence building - that which cannot ebb. To me, that's worth $89.97. In fact instilling self-worth into a complete stranger is worth $89.97 to me, because it would help make this world a better place one human at a time. I know men who have Russian brides and they are just like you and I. They have joys and struggles and experience enlightenment and mortality.
So while I had the charges removed by blushing middle-aged women at the local branch of my bank who couldn't stop giggling at the obviousness of the name, I was glad it happened. I was glad it happened because it allowed me to re-frame some things and better understand myself, and perhaps others. I'm now sitting on the fence about the veracity of banging Asian chicks for my own empirical data. I don't lack self-worth, not one iota, but I weep for those who do.