my day

[egg_shell]

Comments

[anonymousblack]

I'm not surprised that things felt--maybe not 'easier,' but more structured, focused, maybe?--when you were a caregiver. There was a report on Disability Scoop last year that seemed to show caring for loved ones with chronic illnesses could provide a degree of health benefit--here, if you are interested.

For months (sometimes years) after Something Big Goes Down, I deal with this horrible sort of rootlessness, this low-grade depression. Not that I want to go back to the crisis, but in the thick of it there's a purpose, every day, there's something going on all the time that must be dealt with. Laundry, appointments, meds, meals.

Then it stops and, after the first period of grieving, I "get my life back," but it's like, I have no idea what to do with it any more. So much almost feels empty or selfish--that's because I'm not done grieving, but the grieving is happening in ways I don't understand. It takes a long time to 'fit' again.

Plus? Mammogram day is always just kind of depressing. I'm glad it was uneventful for you.

[egg_shell]

I think you hit the nail on the head very well, "in the thick of it there's a purpose". If my only purpose is to now get my basement in order then life feels pretty shallow. Not that I want another caregiving job either! Taking care of the grandboys before and after school and my old cat are really enough responsibilities. But I suppose there is still grieving to be done. I know I am still thinking of the ones who are missing frequently...

[anonymousblack]

There are some loved ones I've lost to death, but also to rotten situations and probably some poor communication on both sides. I've been trying to think of some goodbye rituals, maybe something that would involve creative expression (because that helped with the cancer a lot--there's been some of that same directionless meandering in the last year, but nothing as intense as it could've been) certainly something I could repeat a few times with the lunar cycle or something. If I come up with something, maybe I'll write about it. I know a lot of people who could use a little inwardly focused tenderness.

Here's some love, coming your way.

[egg_shell]

Rituals are good.

Thanks...

[asakiyume]

I'm so sorry about the depression.

The photo from under the bridge is so evocative--I've had dreams just like it. I like it very much, your kids in the foreground, relaxing, and Gabe (another of your kids) way down there in the distance. There's a story in it all.

[egg_shell]

I love how you are able to write stories about little scenes. You have a wonderful imagination. I give you permission to write one about this if you want.

I like to write fantasies too - and had more of a heart for it at one time. Maybe it will come back. :-)

[asakiyume]

It will come back. It's the depression getting in your way, but when it comes back, it'll come back with a vengeance.

((hugs))

[egg_shell]

Hope so - thanks!

[kabuldur]

Frost! Your long winter would make anybody feel depressed. Maybe you needed to go to bed to catch up on sleep if you got up early to have that mammogram.

I think I understand some of your aimlessness. I have that since Gyro passed over. I have mess to clean up here, too, but I don't want to do it. Ugh.

[egg_shell]

No one could blame us if we are still having some grieving to do. It comes and goes. I think I am missing the simple life I had as a caregiver right now. I knew what I was doing then and that it was important. Now I'm not sure what I'm doing!

[kabuldur]

Yeah, I don't know what my next step in my life is either, and that bothers me. Being a caregiver is an important and valued job. But at least you have a plan - make more jewellery and art! That makes people happy :)

So, yeah, I totally understand where you are coming from.

(((Hugs)))