Taking Stock, Taking Responsibility

[ed_rex]

I've been contemplating this post - or rather, a less confused variant of it - for a few days now.

Outside of work (where I've been feeling somewhat overwhelmed), last week was a very good one, particularly towards the end of it. I had a lovely (and surprisingly late) evening with one of you, and then on Friday received a surprise call from my ex

Comments

Battered Anology

[ed_rex]

Yes, but I would never blamed a battered woman for being abused. It's always the abuser's fault.

No, the batterer is to blame. At the same time, the recipient of abuse is responsible for not walking out the door. We can look at the situation and find reasons why she/he did not - he loved her, he thought this time she really meant it when she said she would change, he was afraid, etc - but the door is always there, asking, "Why don't you just leave?"

(Mind you, I realize drawing analogies is always risky. There is a non-trivial difference between psychological and physical abuse.)

As for jeans, anytime after Friday. Just name the day.

Re: Battered Anology

[ed_rex]

You got mixed up with a manipulator. That is all.

Of maybe - and this is possibility I am exploring - I got involved with someone who had manipulative tendencies that I encouraged, but my consistent willingness to "let" her do what was easy for her in the moment. In other words, no matter what I said, my actions rewarded her (in)actions.

Would you rather be a rigid, unforgiving bastard and slam the iron fist down on your girlfriend's every transgression? I don't think that's very conducive to a happy relationship, either.

No, it's not. But I am hypothesizing that I doomed the relationship by pretty much never taking a stand (mere bitching and moaning isn't a stand if you don't do something if the b&m doesn't in itself do the trick).

...but, really, what consequences could you have enforced? "Do the dishes or I'll dump you!" It even sounds petty.That's an excellent question, and one that occurred to me more than once. What it took me a very long time to see, was that there was a whole pattern of disrespect; because most of the

[sooguy]

Glad you learned some sort of lesson from that as painful as it was.

Learning Lessons

[ed_rex]

I hope I've really learned them. This isn't the first time I've made excuses for someone when I shouldn't have (though in both the other cases, the situations - and the excuses - were very different).

[thefuriouscynic]

We should drink beer while I'm in town. Email me!

evanschr AT interchange DOT ubc DOT ca

Consider Yourself Emailed

[ed_rex]

That's a superb suggestion. I hope we'll even drink beer together.

[colinmarshall]

Reminds me of one of the most golden pieces of wisdom I've ever received: according to a friend of a friend, "Sometimes a woman just has to be told."

Not Just "a woman"

[ed_rex]

Coincidentally, someone recently sent me a book by a self-help guru of whom I had previously been ignorant.

I have read only about a third of the book over the last couple of days, and it seems - to be largely ignorant eyes - to be a pretty standard example of the Men-are-from-Mars, Women-from-Venus school of thought: men retional, women emotional, etc.

What struck me was how much what he has so far discussed could (I won't yet say it does) apply to my relationship with Laura.

That said, I am of the (shaken, but still standing) opinion that the differences between individual men and women (or individual men and men, etc) are far greater than such generalizations can possibly address.

On the other hand, I know that most people seem to agree with your friend. It may be that I just don't want to believe that women are so much different than I am. I don't want to partner myself with someone whose thought and emotional processes are so different from mine that I might as well be mating with an alien.

[miyyu]

You are a very, very wise man. You realize how few people ever figure this kind of shit out? One of the wisest people I've ever met told me that in every situation, everyone who is involved is culpable, good or bad, in some way. It's always a question of degree. Once you own and know what your own culpability is -- well, then you have power over the situation. This same person also told me that whenever people are together, even disfunctionally, it's because they get something out of it, and on some level whatever that is has value (companionship, familiarity, sex, not-being-alone, whatever). It's only when they feel that what they are getting loses value that the disfuction becomes illuminated. I've never EVER forgotten that, and frankly it's changed my entire outlook on every kind of relationship I've had, romantic or otherwise.

So yes, you are are very wise man. Good for you.

All I Know, Is that I Know Nothing

[ed_rex]

Thanks, I hope you're right (that I've figured this out, not that other people can't manage it).

One of the wisest people I've ever met told me that in every situation, everyone who is involved is culpable, good or bad, in some way.

If he or she was referring to everyday life, than I'll agree. However, such statements don't apply to situations where children are being blown up by bombers flying overhead, etc.

...whenever people are together, even disfunctionally, it's because they get something out of it, and on some level whatever that is has value...

Or, I would add, that they hope to get something out of it. Not to say that I didn't get some wonderful things from being with Laura (remember when I wanted to "shout my love from the rooftops"?), but I put up with the bad for so long in part because I hoped/believed that she would change - quite probably another lesson to take to heart.

Anyway, thanks for the kind words. I won't call myself wise, but I'll accept that I am a little less ignorant than I was.