I hope I get the job. I need the job. This one is killing me. Every time I look at one of my co-workers I want to slap them. Getting a job that pays this well would be the first step to getting out of this house and getting everything about me trapped and putting my opportunities all in one little basket.
There are, mostly physical things like not freezing all the time and I don't get bruises just from laying down. I feel like my brain works better and don't get those black-outs every time I get up.
I don't think food all the time and it's quite easy to eat (almost anything and any time). I'm interested of other things.
The hardest thing to me has been (and is) to feel okay about being in a healthy weigh. I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. It's not just about looking different, but feeling different. And I used to be "the skinny girl" in work/school but now I feel like I'm absolutely nothing. :(
after two years in and out of hospitals, i finally feel alright with myself. better than alright. there are always going to be issues, but i feel like i am finally alive after 3 years of being dead to the world.
i have goals. i know what i want to do with my life. i'm ready to make it all happen. for three fucking years all i waited for was dying.
Sometimes, I think that the reason I keep relapsing is so that I can put off figuring out what to do with my life. And because I secretly want decisions to be made for me, because I am scared to do it myself.
I just want to give up and let everyone lose hope in me again.
back when i was using drugs heavily, i always hoped i'd just permanently go batshit insane so i could be locked up and not be held responsible for anything anymore. other people could take care of me, make decisions for me, and i'd just have to skate through life until it was over.
I can't make decisions on my own. So I just keep screwing up my life. One of these days I'm actually going to give a damn about my future, but by that point my life will be so fucked up that it'll be too late to reach my goals.
I want to give up, too. Not having to work towards health would be like calmly drifting off into sleep.
Comments 46
Reply
Reply
:( I feel so lost.
Reply
Reply
I don't think food all the time and it's quite easy to eat (almost anything and any time). I'm interested of other things.
The hardest thing to me has been (and is) to feel okay about being in a healthy weigh. I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. It's not just about looking different, but feeling different. And I used to be "the skinny girl" in work/school but now I feel like I'm absolutely nothing. :(
Reply
so
agree
dammit :(
Reply
Reply
there are always going to be issues, but i feel like i am finally alive after 3 years of being dead to the world.
i have goals. i know what i want to do with my life. i'm ready to make it all happen. for three fucking years all i waited for was dying.
Reply
Sometimes, I think that the reason I keep relapsing is so that I can put off figuring out what to do with my life. And because I secretly want decisions to be made for me, because I am scared to do it myself.
I just want to give up and let everyone lose hope in me again.
Reply
Reply
Reply
I want to give up, too. Not having to work towards health would be like calmly drifting off into sleep.
Reply
Leave a comment