Holding It Together

[e_compass_rosa]

I hold it together.  That's what I do.  I hold myself together so that I can get through day after day, and I hold it together when my body and soul scream that I should do otherwise.  It is what I've done all my life.  It is survival.  Or maybe I've just perceived it to be survival, when in fact my holding it together becomes ultimately a

Comments

"Character armour" - carapace

[ankh156]

It seems to me you're always building a (socially acceptable) façade behind which you hide your belovèd "ferment". Maybe it's time to come clean about the ferment and let some of it become visible - without any guilt or shame. After all it's what you are. Let some of it show through, progressively until the façade is less of an effort, or even becomes transparent. You're adding to your work by holding this stuff together and keeping up 'an appearance'. Makes me think of a swan, all serenity and elegance above water and frantic paddling below. Ease up on the elegance and paddle a bit more comfortably.

2c's worth for ya !

Re: "Character armour" - carapace

[e_compass_rosa]

Thanks. I suppose that's what I'm doing by putting (or contemplating putting) more of it out here for (limited) public view. And while none of it is any kind of earth-shattering ferment, it is still my ferment, and I think I do begin to feel like the woman stripping herself down when I imagine the facade begin to break apart.

[godlikepoet]

sometimes holding it together is the feat, the triumph. and then things pass and aren't so terrible anymore. everything passes sooner or later. hang in there.

[e_compass_rosa]

I agree that everything passes, and I know that the current work craziness will pass, but I also know that there is shit that I need to deal with from my life, currently and in the past. That stuff will not pass unless I confront it, which I also don't allow myself to fully do because it is difficult and scary and I guess I imagine myself ending up either or both of the figures in my dream.

[godlikepoet]

it is tough knowing that there are things you have to confront and knowing that you're putting that off. but don't beat yourself up about it. i've learned that sometimes i have to wait on things, though i know your situation is nothing like my own. i was in a bad marriage once, for just two years, and it was a terrible thing to live through. i do feel for you.

[mlove]

my friend, holding it together sometimes means letting it all out and flipping your wig. for real. bottled emotion can lead to terrible consequences. and i care about the two (maybe more...) subconscious elements of you as much as i care about you. let that woman strip and let the man sob.

if i lived closer i'd come hold you and let you rant and cry.

[e_compass_rosa]

Yeah, I need to get away, and find some time and space to unbottle my emotion. Thanks so much, if you lived closer I'd take you up on it.

[randy_byers]

It really does seem that you need to find a way to let yourself fall apart for a while. Seems counterintuitive somehow, but is there some way you can *arrange* to make that happen?

[e_compass_rosa]

This is exactly what I was thinking last night. I starting semi-planning when and how I might get away for a few days by myself. Don't know if I can make it happen or not, but it seems very necessary right now.

[rran_almodovar]

E. your friends here are of nearly one mind. Let it loose! get away and allow the valve to blow. I so hope you get that chance ASAP.

[e_compass_rosa]

Thank you so much. I'm grateful for your support, and hope that if I don't follow through in getting away, that you come back and bug me to do so.

[celebrian_3]

Sometimes I wish I could hold myself together better. I tend to leak, I suppose, a lot more than other people, which can leave me feeling both ashamed and vulnerable (esp. around those with whom it is not "safe" to be vulnerable) on top of the hurt that's already there. I don't think there's anything wrong with holding it together, necessarily--unless it's all the time, and there's no time where it's ever safe to let go--which may be what you're going through. There definitely needs to be a time and place all your own where you can get your release. The fact that you are finding it difficult to hold it all together anymore, seems to me a clear sign that you are not getting that.

[e_compass_rosa]

I know those leaky ashamed and vulnerable feelings very well. I'm learning that vulnerable is better than not, and that ashamed does me no good. I hold it together here at home, but on my own, or with certain friends, I most definitely don't.

[celebrian_3]

I'm glad to hear that you get some release. I think you deserve it.