push, drown (03/03)
push, drown
minsu, jaesu, jaemin, jaeminsu; pg-13
romance/drama
3,857 words
because of/blamed on/for itsplashes ♥
[part one] [part two]
Junsu is sick of silent conversations. Silence is what got them here, and it won’t help them any longer.
Junsu kissed Changmin once. It wasn’t some friendly peck on the cheek and it wasn’t something deep or meaningful. Junsu’s not even sure if Changmin remembers it - he’d been sick at the time, wrapped up in a fever that made him shiver and sweat at odds hours.
Junsu had volunteered to watch over him for the night, and three minutes after midnight he’d knelt beside Changmin’s bed and put his cheek to the younger boy’s forehead, testing the temperature like his mother used to do for him. As soon as he’d lifted his head, though, he’d jumped to see that Changmin’s eyes were open - only just, and barely bright with recognition. Seemingly too quick for someone so sick, he’d lifted his head and kissed Junsu on the lips, firm and brief, and then had fallen back down and into fever-dreams. Junsu didn’t even have time to kiss back.
When Junsu kisses Jaejoong, the older man remembers. Jaejoong kisses like he means it and he never wants to forget. Junsu thinks he could get used to it - but they both know that there is still, always, something is missing.
A week after the scene backstage, Junsu steps outside a different studio to get some air and Changmin is already there, sitting on cold concrete steps. He’s smoking and Junsu doesn’t even think, just wrinkles his nose and says When did you start smoking? Gross.
Changmin turns and just gives him a look that makes Junsu want to swallow his own tongue. He almost goes back inside but then Changmin taps ash from the tip of the cigarette and waves him over, all in one motion.
“I’ve been stressed,” he says. “Smoking always worked for the others.”
Junsu sits down slowly. “It’s bad for you. You shouldn’t.”
“Is that what you told Jaejoong when he quit?”
Junsu gulps. The weight behind Changmin’s words is daunting. He doesn’t want to have to explain what happened with Jaejoong. He can’t explain it. And yet, he can’t stand the thought of Changmin thinking the wrong thing. He stares at the dirt in the corner of the steps.
“I just told him what I thought,” he says quietly. “That I don’t like it. I didn’t think he would listen, either.”
Changmin laughs, but nothing’s funny. “He listens to everything you say, if you haven’t noticed.”
“…I haven’t. I mean, I hadn’t. He’s… I don’t know why he listens. No one else does.”
“It’s because nothing you say makes sense,” Changmin says, with another half-laugh and a tap to his cigarette. “You two are similar, that way.”
Junsu takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Changminnie.”
“What for?” Changmin asks blankly, looking out over the empty back lot.
“Jaejoong thinks you hate him.”
A quick drag on his cigarette covers up Changmin’s reaction. Junsu looks over but Changmin won’t make eye contact. Junsu considers his next words very carefully, which is hard when all he wants to do is say anything and everything that he’s been thinking, ever, just to make Changmin understand.
“The lawsuit will be over, eventually,” he starts. “However it ends, it’ll end. And then, maybe… we can work on this.”
Changmin shoots him a look, searching for something, asking without speaking - but Junsu’s sick of silent conversations.
“I don’t know what you want from me,” he says, frustrated. “I don’t know what you want, Changmin.”
The younger man flicks his cigarette again, but Junsu sees the uneven angle, the spasm of his thumb - a nervous reaction. Changmin looks away and ducks his head, and his eyes disappear under his bangs. His hair is longer than Junsu remembers it being; he wonders if Changmin’s growing his hair out again - Junsu would like that.
“I don’t hate Jaejoong,” he finally says. His voice trembles just slightly and Junsu sends him a pitying gaze, something he wouldn’t normally dare do. But he understands, more than Changmin could ever know. “I don’t hate either of you.”
“Are you mad? That we…” He can’t bring himself to say it.
“I don’t know.”
Junsu waits but Changmin doesn’t continue, and doesn’t look at him again. Eventually he sighs and stands up. Someone’s bound to be looking for them, and he doesn’t want to stir up any more trouble.
He’s almost at the door when Changmin speaks up again. “So, do you love him?”
Blunt, just like Changmin. Junsu bites down on his tongue and turns back around. “No. Maybe. It just kind of… happened.”
“Okay,” Changmin breathes out, no emotion in his voice. “Okay.”
Junsu hesitates, leaning back against the door so that his fingers trace along the handle. He’s not sure what to say - but knows that he needs to say something. Silence is what got them here, and it won’t help them any longer. He takes a deep breath, and takes the plunge.
“Jaejoong misses you. I…I miss you. And, no matter what, just because we’re not there, doesn’t mean we won’t always be there for you, if you… want us. To be there.”
“Junsu-”
“We’d never leave you out. I don’t think it’s possible.”
There’s a tense pause before Changmin huffs. “It’s all up to me, then?”
“It’s always been about you, Changmin-ah,” he says softly, the corner of his lips tilting into something like a smile. “If you haven’t noticed.”
Jaejoong and Junsu start sharing a bed when they’re in Japan. It isn’t really about sex; there’s just comfort in the intimacy, the sort that Jaejoong’s been missing and that Junsu’s always wanted. Yoochun shakes his head and says I hope you know what you’re doing, but neither of them have an answer to give.
Junsu tells Jaejoong about his encounter with Changmin, and he nods and offers Junsu a chaste kiss at the end. “You said the right thing,” he says.
Junsu lifts his arms to wrap around his pillow, cradling it close. “You think so?”
“If that’s how you really feel,” Jaejoong replies softly. He looks nervous, fiddling with the edge of the sheet. “About me, too,” he adds.
“I don’t know how I feel,” Junsu says. “But… this is okay. Right?” he adds, feeling oddly shy.
Jaejoong’s hand drifts across his forehead - Yeah, this is okay. More than okay - and his smile is fit to break hearts. Junsu knows that, more than ever.
That doesn’t mean it’s easy. There are still those awkward moments when Junsu looks at Jaejoong and thinks how did I get here? Do I want to be here? Sometimes Junsu imagines Jaejoong as someone else and has to stop himself from flinching when he opens his eyes and reality is staring back at him, too sad, too desperate.
There are times when Jaejoong spends hours at the computer, looking through all his old pictures and scouring the ‘net for new ones, fingers tense on the mouse until it’s early morning and his eyes are red and Junsu or Yoochun have to pull him off to bed.
They don’t hear from Changmin again - talk isn’t possible, and Jaejoong learns that the hard way when he breaks down and tries to contact them, only to find out Yunho and Changmin’s cell phone numbers have been disconnected and that there is someone else living in their old apartment. They tell themselves it’s the company, it’s all SM and bureaucracy and legal bullshit - but it’s a hundred times harder to tell themselves not to doubt.
Keys drop in front of Junsu’s eyes, clattering together loudly, and he nearly falls off the couch.
“We’re going for a drive,” Jaejoong says, his body curling around to look at Junsu upside-down.
Junsu wrinkles his nose, peering around the older man at the television. Jaejoong distracted him and now the video game boss is beating his character into the ground. “But I’m in the middle-”
“No ‘buts.’ We’re going,” Jaejoong says again. He’s smiling like he hasn’t smiled in weeks and Junsu knows something is up. He frowns in suspicion.
“What-”
“No questions, either. It’s a surprise.”
Junsu looks at his game again - his character is dead, the boss is laughing in evil victory. With a pout he throws his controller to the side and stands up. “Yah, this better be good!”
It is good. It’s scary-good, which Junsu finds out halfway to their destination because Jaejoong’s too excited to keep the surprise for long. “We’re going to see Changmin,” he says, solemn but practically shaking with anticipation.
Junsu stares at him “What? How?”
Spring is ushering in warm nights and they haven’t had contact with the others in months. Junsu hasn’t seen Changmin since their conversation back in Japan; he’d thought Changmin was filming in Jeju right now.
Jaejoong bites his lip. “Boa. She’s been meeting up with Yunho for this 3-D thing and she passed the message along to him. Yunho said SM’s got them a new apartment, near Daechi-dong.”
“And Yunho’s just okay with us coming and ambushing the maknae?” Junsu asks again. He thinks he might be in shock.
Jaejoong gaze flicks from the road to him for just a second. “He’s the one that also told me Changmin would be there tonight. Alone. If that’s not a seal of approval, I don’t know what is.”
He leans back, hitting against the head rest a few times. “Damnit, I am not prepared for this.”
“Don’t curse,” Jaejoong says. “Changmin will think I’m a bad influence on you.”
Junsu mutters Probably too late for that, but he doesn’t know if Jaejoong hears him.
They park underneath the apartment building, and as the roar of the engine cuts off so does Jaejoong’s breath, leaving him in one strong rush of air. He doesn’t take his hands of the steering wheel and doesn’t look away from the cement wall in front of their car.
Junsu waits for him patiently, filled with conflicting thoughts of his own. They’re finally here… and he has no idea what to do. The more he thinks the more he tenses up, feeling it run through his whole body until the moment Jaejoong says Stop thinking so hard, you’ll get wrinkles that way.
Jaejoong hasn’t even looked at him, but Junsu still raises a hand to his forehead, as if he can smooth out the creases and stress and worry and all his problems, just by that single touch alone.
“You should go first,” Jaejoong says. His knuckles are white on the steering wheel and Junsu wonders if he’s having second thoughts.
“You-”
“You should go,” Jaejoong repeats, his tone low and serious. “You talk to him and I’ll… I’ll come later.”
“Is that okay…?” Junsu asks. On one hand he’s suspicious, because he would have thought Jaejoong would jump at the chance, not only to see Changmin but to have him alone. At the same time, he knows that Jaejoong is anxious, and when Jaejoong is anxious he does irrational things - like throwing Junsu at Changmin and then driving away, selflessly leaving himself out of the equation. Junsu doesn’t think he could live with that.
“Yeah,” Jaejoong says, nodding his head and stop-starting like he’s thinking it over as he speaks. “Yeah. If I were… I don’t think… I wouldn’t be able to hold back,” he concludes, his hands kneading along the wheel. Never looking away from that wall.
Junsu gulps and nods, understanding. Jaejoong has more to lose than anyone. Okay, he tries to reassure himself.
Jaejoong lists off the floor and room number, and it’s only when Junsu’s opened the door and has one foot out that he reaches over, grabbing Junsu’s wrist. “Whatever happens…”
There’s no end to that sentence. Junsu pulls Jaejoong’s hand off him, but laces their fingers in the process. A quick squeeze, a Wish me luck, and he’s gone.
The halls are like the halls and the doors like the doors of every apartment building they’ve ever lived in - posh but not too expensive, big but never big enough. No. 1524 comes too soon, and he mutters a quick prayer under his breath. He thinks damn, damn in time with his knocks, and then waits a small eternity, in which he holds his breath while trying not to asphyxiate himself.
But then just like that the door is open, Changmin is there, and Junsu is breathing.
“You-What are you doing here?” Changmin demands, dragging Junsu into the apartment. “How did you find this place?”
Junsu stands in the foyer, staring at the ground as he kicks off his shoes. “Yunho told us where it was.”
“Us?” Changmin snaps.
“…Jaejoong’s here too,” Junsu says, chewing on his lip. “He just… he wanted to wait.”
Changmin’s eyes narrow in response and he straightens; Junsu realizes just how much taller he’s grown over the past few months. “Wait for what? More time? I think we’ve had enough of that,” he sneers.
Junsu frowns again, feeling more unsure each second. “You’re angry.”
All he gets is a shake of the head, a Whatever, and then Changmin turns his back, walking away, and Junsu doesn’t have much choice but to follow. They end up in the living room, standing at odds across a distance Junsu doesn’t know how to cross.
Changmin stares at him with a clenched jaw, that little angry half-smile on his face. Junsu wills himself not to back down.
“So?” Changmin asks abruptly, and Junsu jumps in surprise. He feels like a fool afterwards.
“Changminnie…”
“Why are you here?” Changmin asks. It’s that harsh tone again, one that Junsu hates. It reminds him of the arguments they had right before the lawsuit. Junsu doesn’t want think about those.
“I don’t know,” Junsu says honestly. He explains the whole story, ending with But when we got here Jaejoong got nervous, I think, so he decided to wait in the car.
“He ‘got nervous’?” Changmin asks. It’s a good sign and he knows it when Changmin sounds more curious than skeptical.
Junsu rubs at his head. “Yah. After the last time… he still thinks you hate him.”
“I told you I didn’t.”
“He doesn’t always listen to me,” Junsu chides softly. “He can’t just take my word for it, he cares too much.”
Changmin looks away. He stalks over the couch, tension in each step, but when he sits down it’s a sullen, slumping motion. “He has an odd way of showing it,” he huffs.
Junsu steps over as well, sinking down slowly beside him. “Have you thought about what I told you last time?” he asks.
It’s a long time before Changmin answers, and a part of Junsu thinks he’s doing it just to be mean. “Maybe,” he finally says.
“Yah,” he complains, “that’s not an answer.”
“Maybe,” Changmin says again. Now he’s just doing it to be annoying - and Junsu wants to stamp his foot and whine and scream, but he doesn’t. Be strong, he thinks. be honest, or you won’t get this chance again.
“We really need to talk, Changminnie. We can’t… I don’t think we can stand much longer of this.”
“So you and Jaejoong are a ‘we’ now?” Changmin asks scathingly.
“I wasn’t talking about Jaejoong,” Junsu huffs. He can be bitter, too. “I deserve some answers.”
Changmin’s mouth opens, a short Oh his only answer.
“Jaejoong loves you. He really does,” Junsu starts, wanting to get it out of the way. “And I know you still love him.”
Changmin rolls his shoulders awkwardly, but Junsu gives him the best demanding glare he can. Fingers dig into the couch cushion, and then Changmin’s head dips in a nod. Yes
“And… he’s not here now. But he will be. So… so if we’re going to do this, then I want- I need to know how you feel about… me.” He hunches his shoulders, feeling self-conscious and clumsy in asking it.
Changmin’s quiet for a long time, and Junsu is reminded again of small eternities. He swallows nervously and kneads at his hair with his fist. Second-guessing himself is too easy as he wonders, and not for the first time, if he made the wrong move - imagining that he’s made the mistake, that he’s still the intruder in this tangled mess they’ve gotten themselves into.
He starts babbling before he knows it, and what he’s saying he doesn’t even know, something about Jaejoong and damn, damn’s and I’m sorry’s-
“Junsu.”
Changmin says his name like a command, and Junsu can’t help but obey. He stops talking; he fidgets awkwardly. The desire to look anywhere else is overwhelming, but Changmin’s stare reaches right into him and every time his eyes flit away he finds himself inevitably drawn back.
“You’re impossible,” Changmin sighs, frustration laced tight in the sound. “You really make no sense, you know that?” He digs his fingers into his hair and Junsu wishes he could pull them down, hold them in his hands, and understanding could pass through and between their skins like osmosis and-
And then Changmin kisses him. Junsu has the absurd thought that huh, lips are totally better than hands- and realizes Jaejoong really has been a bad influence on him. They stay pressed firm together for a few, long seconds, and Changmin is the one who finally pulls away shyly. He keeps his head bent close to Junsu, mouth half-open and chest rising a little faster
“You said it’s up to me?” he finally says. “Then there’s my answer.”
Junsu stares. Changmin meets his eyes and then glances away just as quick. Junsu’s toes curl into the carpet, and his pulse beats double-time. He realizes this is definitely a moment; he should probably smile or say or do something, anything but he’s half-lost in a moment when his mind feels apart from his body, and all he can do is turn slightly, look down at his feet and go Oh.
They sit together and breathe. A few minutes later, Jaejoong knocks on the door.
Junsu watches Jaejoong pace; he paces like his world has narrowed to this single stretch of carpet, and he is eroding the floor into a canyon of his own worry. The walls of the hallway would rise up and up around him and then he’d drown himself at the river-rock bottom.
Leaning against the door, head tilted back and hands braced at the small of his spine, Junsu doesn’t know whether to sigh or smile. “Are you ready yet?” he asks.
“No.”
He sighs.
“Jaejoong-”
“I’m not ready,” he says, a stream of words too rushed to be truly forceful. His hands twist together and his mouth works silently, practicing speeches that they all know will fail him the moment he sees Changmin. Junsu wants to be encouraging, but Jaejoong had pulled him into the hall without even seeing Changmin, and this moment is too many minutes later. He tries again, Go talk to him, Jaejoongie. He’s waiting for you.
Jaejoong’s next step falters. “What if-”
“He won’t,” Junsu says simply. Jaejoong finally stops pacing, finally looks at Junsu.
“But-”
“He won’t,” he says again. He can’t repeat it enough, because he knows it’s true. “He won’t.”
Dark eyes search him desperately, like he’s looking for Junsu for all the answers, now. After all this time, Junsu still doesn’t have them - but Jaejoong seems to find them anyway, and when he replies, it’s in his reach for Junsu’s hand just as Junsu reaches for the door. The question wraps itself in a wry half-laugh, Since when did you become so sure, Junsu-yah?
Junsu smiles.
If someone had told Junsu that tonight, instead of playing video games until some ungodly hour of the morning and crashing on Jaejoong’s couch, he’d be sitting on Changmin’s new bed, feeling the sharp press of the metal headboard against his back, with his legs trapped between a cheap cotton comforter and Changmin’s favorite pair of sweats - he’d have told them that if they were trying to make a joke, it wasn’t funny.
Even now, there really isn’t much that’s funny about this.
Junsu watches as Jaejoong and Changmin flutter around each other, as if they can’t remember how they used to play this game. Changmin tries to talk with his hands, but Jaejoong never looks up long enough to read them. Changmin is hunched shoulders, Jaejoong stuttered motions, and when they shift their weight it’s half-steps forward, full steps back.
And for him it’s impossible not to feel that familiar, pressing weight that always comes from watching them together; it’s that subconscious muddle of resentment and jealousy and doubt, rooted to deep to be let go of so soon - but it’s longing, too, and now it’s not just for himself. They deserve better than this, he thinks.
But then Changmin calls out Jaejoong’s name, quietly, cautiously. When he takes a step forward, Junsu turns his head, closes his eyes; tries to give them some sort of privacy for this moment, their reunion. But when he hears Jaejoong’s reply, equally soft, Junsu can’t help but listen. Because when their voices drop to murmurs, and then stop altogether - Junsu doesn’t hear silence. He hears instead the tenderness, the sincerity, and the hush that comes with love running, finally, once more, with ease.
For the first time, he considers that they may really be able to do this.
And he only opens his eyes when he feels the bed dip, and the first thing he sees is Jaejoong, sitting at the foot of the bed. He’s slumped and exhausted-looking, like when his biggest worries left, it took all the rest of his strength with it, and when he looks up at Junsu it makes him think of Jaejoong in the car, bone-white knuckles and bottled-up hopes.
A stretch of warmth settles beside him, and it’s Changmin settling beside him against the headboard. He leans back with a sigh, his hand drifting down between them, so that when it lands, their fingers overlap; just the slightest curl of a pinky finger, and they’d be laced together. It’s casual and deliberate -when Changmin catches him looking, he flashes Junsu a smile and throws one leg over his. It’s a move so comfortable and innocent, more nostalgic than anything.
This is what holds them together, and it’s subtle to the point of breaking. They’ve needed push after push to get here, and it’s not certain that another won’t send them off-balance, reeling off this fine line.
In his head he imagines and says a thousand things, some of the sound like Jaejoong, some like Changmin - it’s not so easy, this isn’t exactly normal, we’re not exactly normal, how does this work, stop trying to be so rational - He pictures intimacy and embarrassment and impossible things, but in truth he has no idea what will actually happen - tonight, or afterward. He doesn’t even know when they’ll all see each other again.
And the pause is like thunderclouds gathering for their storm, the way you can feel the rising pressure with some sort of second nature, air heavy in the hollows between your heart and lung. It’s static and it’s them, waiting, lingering on the edge of this one, charged question-
Where do we go from here?
started writing: 4/3/10
finished writing: 7/9/10
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To begin, I am horribly sorry this is so late. Unfortunate RL events kept me from writing for several weeks, and when I finally had time I had... difficulties, with the last few parts :'D I wrote six different endings, and this one is the only one that truly seemed right for the story. It's a question open for you to answer, this story more about the coming-together of a threesome than anything, and I hope it was satisfying to read for that alone. Forgive any typos, it's a little rough because I wanted to get it posted asap - I leave for Haiti in a few days, so my internet connection will be, safe to say, quite nonexistent.
Thanks to you all for waiting, and comments are always appreciated!
***Also, I've created a fanmix for this fic, which is a collection of songs I listened to and used for inspiration while writing. You can download it here :)
minsu, jaesu, jaemin, jaeminsu; pg-13
romance/drama
3,857 words
because of/blamed on/for itsplashes ♥
[part one] [part two]
Junsu is sick of silent conversations. Silence is what got them here, and it won’t help them any longer.
Junsu kissed Changmin once. It wasn’t some friendly peck on the cheek and it wasn’t something deep or meaningful. Junsu’s not even sure if Changmin remembers it - he’d been sick at the time, wrapped up in a fever that made him shiver and sweat at odds hours.
Junsu had volunteered to watch over him for the night, and three minutes after midnight he’d knelt beside Changmin’s bed and put his cheek to the younger boy’s forehead, testing the temperature like his mother used to do for him. As soon as he’d lifted his head, though, he’d jumped to see that Changmin’s eyes were open - only just, and barely bright with recognition. Seemingly too quick for someone so sick, he’d lifted his head and kissed Junsu on the lips, firm and brief, and then had fallen back down and into fever-dreams. Junsu didn’t even have time to kiss back.
When Junsu kisses Jaejoong, the older man remembers. Jaejoong kisses like he means it and he never wants to forget. Junsu thinks he could get used to it - but they both know that there is still, always, something is missing.
A week after the scene backstage, Junsu steps outside a different studio to get some air and Changmin is already there, sitting on cold concrete steps. He’s smoking and Junsu doesn’t even think, just wrinkles his nose and says When did you start smoking? Gross.
Changmin turns and just gives him a look that makes Junsu want to swallow his own tongue. He almost goes back inside but then Changmin taps ash from the tip of the cigarette and waves him over, all in one motion.
“I’ve been stressed,” he says. “Smoking always worked for the others.”
Junsu sits down slowly. “It’s bad for you. You shouldn’t.”
“Is that what you told Jaejoong when he quit?”
Junsu gulps. The weight behind Changmin’s words is daunting. He doesn’t want to have to explain what happened with Jaejoong. He can’t explain it. And yet, he can’t stand the thought of Changmin thinking the wrong thing. He stares at the dirt in the corner of the steps.
“I just told him what I thought,” he says quietly. “That I don’t like it. I didn’t think he would listen, either.”
Changmin laughs, but nothing’s funny. “He listens to everything you say, if you haven’t noticed.”
“…I haven’t. I mean, I hadn’t. He’s… I don’t know why he listens. No one else does.”
“It’s because nothing you say makes sense,” Changmin says, with another half-laugh and a tap to his cigarette. “You two are similar, that way.”
Junsu takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Changminnie.”
“What for?” Changmin asks blankly, looking out over the empty back lot.
“Jaejoong thinks you hate him.”
A quick drag on his cigarette covers up Changmin’s reaction. Junsu looks over but Changmin won’t make eye contact. Junsu considers his next words very carefully, which is hard when all he wants to do is say anything and everything that he’s been thinking, ever, just to make Changmin understand.
“The lawsuit will be over, eventually,” he starts. “However it ends, it’ll end. And then, maybe… we can work on this.”
Changmin shoots him a look, searching for something, asking without speaking - but Junsu’s sick of silent conversations.
“I don’t know what you want from me,” he says, frustrated. “I don’t know what you want, Changmin.”
The younger man flicks his cigarette again, but Junsu sees the uneven angle, the spasm of his thumb - a nervous reaction. Changmin looks away and ducks his head, and his eyes disappear under his bangs. His hair is longer than Junsu remembers it being; he wonders if Changmin’s growing his hair out again - Junsu would like that.
“I don’t hate Jaejoong,” he finally says. His voice trembles just slightly and Junsu sends him a pitying gaze, something he wouldn’t normally dare do. But he understands, more than Changmin could ever know. “I don’t hate either of you.”
“Are you mad? That we…” He can’t bring himself to say it.
“I don’t know.”
Junsu waits but Changmin doesn’t continue, and doesn’t look at him again. Eventually he sighs and stands up. Someone’s bound to be looking for them, and he doesn’t want to stir up any more trouble.
He’s almost at the door when Changmin speaks up again. “So, do you love him?”
Blunt, just like Changmin. Junsu bites down on his tongue and turns back around. “No. Maybe. It just kind of… happened.”
“Okay,” Changmin breathes out, no emotion in his voice. “Okay.”
Junsu hesitates, leaning back against the door so that his fingers trace along the handle. He’s not sure what to say - but knows that he needs to say something. Silence is what got them here, and it won’t help them any longer. He takes a deep breath, and takes the plunge.
“Jaejoong misses you. I…I miss you. And, no matter what, just because we’re not there, doesn’t mean we won’t always be there for you, if you… want us. To be there.”
“Junsu-”
“We’d never leave you out. I don’t think it’s possible.”
There’s a tense pause before Changmin huffs. “It’s all up to me, then?”
“It’s always been about you, Changmin-ah,” he says softly, the corner of his lips tilting into something like a smile. “If you haven’t noticed.”
Jaejoong and Junsu start sharing a bed when they’re in Japan. It isn’t really about sex; there’s just comfort in the intimacy, the sort that Jaejoong’s been missing and that Junsu’s always wanted. Yoochun shakes his head and says I hope you know what you’re doing, but neither of them have an answer to give.
Junsu tells Jaejoong about his encounter with Changmin, and he nods and offers Junsu a chaste kiss at the end. “You said the right thing,” he says.
Junsu lifts his arms to wrap around his pillow, cradling it close. “You think so?”
“If that’s how you really feel,” Jaejoong replies softly. He looks nervous, fiddling with the edge of the sheet. “About me, too,” he adds.
“I don’t know how I feel,” Junsu says. “But… this is okay. Right?” he adds, feeling oddly shy.
Jaejoong’s hand drifts across his forehead - Yeah, this is okay. More than okay - and his smile is fit to break hearts. Junsu knows that, more than ever.
That doesn’t mean it’s easy. There are still those awkward moments when Junsu looks at Jaejoong and thinks how did I get here? Do I want to be here? Sometimes Junsu imagines Jaejoong as someone else and has to stop himself from flinching when he opens his eyes and reality is staring back at him, too sad, too desperate.
There are times when Jaejoong spends hours at the computer, looking through all his old pictures and scouring the ‘net for new ones, fingers tense on the mouse until it’s early morning and his eyes are red and Junsu or Yoochun have to pull him off to bed.
They don’t hear from Changmin again - talk isn’t possible, and Jaejoong learns that the hard way when he breaks down and tries to contact them, only to find out Yunho and Changmin’s cell phone numbers have been disconnected and that there is someone else living in their old apartment. They tell themselves it’s the company, it’s all SM and bureaucracy and legal bullshit - but it’s a hundred times harder to tell themselves not to doubt.
Keys drop in front of Junsu’s eyes, clattering together loudly, and he nearly falls off the couch.
“We’re going for a drive,” Jaejoong says, his body curling around to look at Junsu upside-down.
Junsu wrinkles his nose, peering around the older man at the television. Jaejoong distracted him and now the video game boss is beating his character into the ground. “But I’m in the middle-”
“No ‘buts.’ We’re going,” Jaejoong says again. He’s smiling like he hasn’t smiled in weeks and Junsu knows something is up. He frowns in suspicion.
“What-”
“No questions, either. It’s a surprise.”
Junsu looks at his game again - his character is dead, the boss is laughing in evil victory. With a pout he throws his controller to the side and stands up. “Yah, this better be good!”
It is good. It’s scary-good, which Junsu finds out halfway to their destination because Jaejoong’s too excited to keep the surprise for long. “We’re going to see Changmin,” he says, solemn but practically shaking with anticipation.
Junsu stares at him “What? How?”
Spring is ushering in warm nights and they haven’t had contact with the others in months. Junsu hasn’t seen Changmin since their conversation back in Japan; he’d thought Changmin was filming in Jeju right now.
Jaejoong bites his lip. “Boa. She’s been meeting up with Yunho for this 3-D thing and she passed the message along to him. Yunho said SM’s got them a new apartment, near Daechi-dong.”
“And Yunho’s just okay with us coming and ambushing the maknae?” Junsu asks again. He thinks he might be in shock.
Jaejoong gaze flicks from the road to him for just a second. “He’s the one that also told me Changmin would be there tonight. Alone. If that’s not a seal of approval, I don’t know what is.”
He leans back, hitting against the head rest a few times. “Damnit, I am not prepared for this.”
“Don’t curse,” Jaejoong says. “Changmin will think I’m a bad influence on you.”
Junsu mutters Probably too late for that, but he doesn’t know if Jaejoong hears him.
They park underneath the apartment building, and as the roar of the engine cuts off so does Jaejoong’s breath, leaving him in one strong rush of air. He doesn’t take his hands of the steering wheel and doesn’t look away from the cement wall in front of their car.
Junsu waits for him patiently, filled with conflicting thoughts of his own. They’re finally here… and he has no idea what to do. The more he thinks the more he tenses up, feeling it run through his whole body until the moment Jaejoong says Stop thinking so hard, you’ll get wrinkles that way.
Jaejoong hasn’t even looked at him, but Junsu still raises a hand to his forehead, as if he can smooth out the creases and stress and worry and all his problems, just by that single touch alone.
“You should go first,” Jaejoong says. His knuckles are white on the steering wheel and Junsu wonders if he’s having second thoughts.
“You-”
“You should go,” Jaejoong repeats, his tone low and serious. “You talk to him and I’ll… I’ll come later.”
“Is that okay…?” Junsu asks. On one hand he’s suspicious, because he would have thought Jaejoong would jump at the chance, not only to see Changmin but to have him alone. At the same time, he knows that Jaejoong is anxious, and when Jaejoong is anxious he does irrational things - like throwing Junsu at Changmin and then driving away, selflessly leaving himself out of the equation. Junsu doesn’t think he could live with that.
“Yeah,” Jaejoong says, nodding his head and stop-starting like he’s thinking it over as he speaks. “Yeah. If I were… I don’t think… I wouldn’t be able to hold back,” he concludes, his hands kneading along the wheel. Never looking away from that wall.
Junsu gulps and nods, understanding. Jaejoong has more to lose than anyone. Okay, he tries to reassure himself.
Jaejoong lists off the floor and room number, and it’s only when Junsu’s opened the door and has one foot out that he reaches over, grabbing Junsu’s wrist. “Whatever happens…”
There’s no end to that sentence. Junsu pulls Jaejoong’s hand off him, but laces their fingers in the process. A quick squeeze, a Wish me luck, and he’s gone.
The halls are like the halls and the doors like the doors of every apartment building they’ve ever lived in - posh but not too expensive, big but never big enough. No. 1524 comes too soon, and he mutters a quick prayer under his breath. He thinks damn, damn in time with his knocks, and then waits a small eternity, in which he holds his breath while trying not to asphyxiate himself.
But then just like that the door is open, Changmin is there, and Junsu is breathing.
“You-What are you doing here?” Changmin demands, dragging Junsu into the apartment. “How did you find this place?”
Junsu stands in the foyer, staring at the ground as he kicks off his shoes. “Yunho told us where it was.”
“Us?” Changmin snaps.
“…Jaejoong’s here too,” Junsu says, chewing on his lip. “He just… he wanted to wait.”
Changmin’s eyes narrow in response and he straightens; Junsu realizes just how much taller he’s grown over the past few months. “Wait for what? More time? I think we’ve had enough of that,” he sneers.
Junsu frowns again, feeling more unsure each second. “You’re angry.”
All he gets is a shake of the head, a Whatever, and then Changmin turns his back, walking away, and Junsu doesn’t have much choice but to follow. They end up in the living room, standing at odds across a distance Junsu doesn’t know how to cross.
Changmin stares at him with a clenched jaw, that little angry half-smile on his face. Junsu wills himself not to back down.
“So?” Changmin asks abruptly, and Junsu jumps in surprise. He feels like a fool afterwards.
“Changminnie…”
“Why are you here?” Changmin asks. It’s that harsh tone again, one that Junsu hates. It reminds him of the arguments they had right before the lawsuit. Junsu doesn’t want think about those.
“I don’t know,” Junsu says honestly. He explains the whole story, ending with But when we got here Jaejoong got nervous, I think, so he decided to wait in the car.
“He ‘got nervous’?” Changmin asks. It’s a good sign and he knows it when Changmin sounds more curious than skeptical.
Junsu rubs at his head. “Yah. After the last time… he still thinks you hate him.”
“I told you I didn’t.”
“He doesn’t always listen to me,” Junsu chides softly. “He can’t just take my word for it, he cares too much.”
Changmin looks away. He stalks over the couch, tension in each step, but when he sits down it’s a sullen, slumping motion. “He has an odd way of showing it,” he huffs.
Junsu steps over as well, sinking down slowly beside him. “Have you thought about what I told you last time?” he asks.
It’s a long time before Changmin answers, and a part of Junsu thinks he’s doing it just to be mean. “Maybe,” he finally says.
“Yah,” he complains, “that’s not an answer.”
“Maybe,” Changmin says again. Now he’s just doing it to be annoying - and Junsu wants to stamp his foot and whine and scream, but he doesn’t. Be strong, he thinks. be honest, or you won’t get this chance again.
“We really need to talk, Changminnie. We can’t… I don’t think we can stand much longer of this.”
“So you and Jaejoong are a ‘we’ now?” Changmin asks scathingly.
“I wasn’t talking about Jaejoong,” Junsu huffs. He can be bitter, too. “I deserve some answers.”
Changmin’s mouth opens, a short Oh his only answer.
“Jaejoong loves you. He really does,” Junsu starts, wanting to get it out of the way. “And I know you still love him.”
Changmin rolls his shoulders awkwardly, but Junsu gives him the best demanding glare he can. Fingers dig into the couch cushion, and then Changmin’s head dips in a nod. Yes
“And… he’s not here now. But he will be. So… so if we’re going to do this, then I want- I need to know how you feel about… me.” He hunches his shoulders, feeling self-conscious and clumsy in asking it.
Changmin’s quiet for a long time, and Junsu is reminded again of small eternities. He swallows nervously and kneads at his hair with his fist. Second-guessing himself is too easy as he wonders, and not for the first time, if he made the wrong move - imagining that he’s made the mistake, that he’s still the intruder in this tangled mess they’ve gotten themselves into.
He starts babbling before he knows it, and what he’s saying he doesn’t even know, something about Jaejoong and damn, damn’s and I’m sorry’s-
“Junsu.”
Changmin says his name like a command, and Junsu can’t help but obey. He stops talking; he fidgets awkwardly. The desire to look anywhere else is overwhelming, but Changmin’s stare reaches right into him and every time his eyes flit away he finds himself inevitably drawn back.
“You’re impossible,” Changmin sighs, frustration laced tight in the sound. “You really make no sense, you know that?” He digs his fingers into his hair and Junsu wishes he could pull them down, hold them in his hands, and understanding could pass through and between their skins like osmosis and-
And then Changmin kisses him. Junsu has the absurd thought that huh, lips are totally better than hands- and realizes Jaejoong really has been a bad influence on him. They stay pressed firm together for a few, long seconds, and Changmin is the one who finally pulls away shyly. He keeps his head bent close to Junsu, mouth half-open and chest rising a little faster
“You said it’s up to me?” he finally says. “Then there’s my answer.”
Junsu stares. Changmin meets his eyes and then glances away just as quick. Junsu’s toes curl into the carpet, and his pulse beats double-time. He realizes this is definitely a moment; he should probably smile or say or do something, anything but he’s half-lost in a moment when his mind feels apart from his body, and all he can do is turn slightly, look down at his feet and go Oh.
They sit together and breathe. A few minutes later, Jaejoong knocks on the door.
Junsu watches Jaejoong pace; he paces like his world has narrowed to this single stretch of carpet, and he is eroding the floor into a canyon of his own worry. The walls of the hallway would rise up and up around him and then he’d drown himself at the river-rock bottom.
Leaning against the door, head tilted back and hands braced at the small of his spine, Junsu doesn’t know whether to sigh or smile. “Are you ready yet?” he asks.
“No.”
He sighs.
“Jaejoong-”
“I’m not ready,” he says, a stream of words too rushed to be truly forceful. His hands twist together and his mouth works silently, practicing speeches that they all know will fail him the moment he sees Changmin. Junsu wants to be encouraging, but Jaejoong had pulled him into the hall without even seeing Changmin, and this moment is too many minutes later. He tries again, Go talk to him, Jaejoongie. He’s waiting for you.
Jaejoong’s next step falters. “What if-”
“He won’t,” Junsu says simply. Jaejoong finally stops pacing, finally looks at Junsu.
“But-”
“He won’t,” he says again. He can’t repeat it enough, because he knows it’s true. “He won’t.”
Dark eyes search him desperately, like he’s looking for Junsu for all the answers, now. After all this time, Junsu still doesn’t have them - but Jaejoong seems to find them anyway, and when he replies, it’s in his reach for Junsu’s hand just as Junsu reaches for the door. The question wraps itself in a wry half-laugh, Since when did you become so sure, Junsu-yah?
Junsu smiles.
If someone had told Junsu that tonight, instead of playing video games until some ungodly hour of the morning and crashing on Jaejoong’s couch, he’d be sitting on Changmin’s new bed, feeling the sharp press of the metal headboard against his back, with his legs trapped between a cheap cotton comforter and Changmin’s favorite pair of sweats - he’d have told them that if they were trying to make a joke, it wasn’t funny.
Even now, there really isn’t much that’s funny about this.
Junsu watches as Jaejoong and Changmin flutter around each other, as if they can’t remember how they used to play this game. Changmin tries to talk with his hands, but Jaejoong never looks up long enough to read them. Changmin is hunched shoulders, Jaejoong stuttered motions, and when they shift their weight it’s half-steps forward, full steps back.
And for him it’s impossible not to feel that familiar, pressing weight that always comes from watching them together; it’s that subconscious muddle of resentment and jealousy and doubt, rooted to deep to be let go of so soon - but it’s longing, too, and now it’s not just for himself. They deserve better than this, he thinks.
But then Changmin calls out Jaejoong’s name, quietly, cautiously. When he takes a step forward, Junsu turns his head, closes his eyes; tries to give them some sort of privacy for this moment, their reunion. But when he hears Jaejoong’s reply, equally soft, Junsu can’t help but listen. Because when their voices drop to murmurs, and then stop altogether - Junsu doesn’t hear silence. He hears instead the tenderness, the sincerity, and the hush that comes with love running, finally, once more, with ease.
For the first time, he considers that they may really be able to do this.
And he only opens his eyes when he feels the bed dip, and the first thing he sees is Jaejoong, sitting at the foot of the bed. He’s slumped and exhausted-looking, like when his biggest worries left, it took all the rest of his strength with it, and when he looks up at Junsu it makes him think of Jaejoong in the car, bone-white knuckles and bottled-up hopes.
A stretch of warmth settles beside him, and it’s Changmin settling beside him against the headboard. He leans back with a sigh, his hand drifting down between them, so that when it lands, their fingers overlap; just the slightest curl of a pinky finger, and they’d be laced together. It’s casual and deliberate -when Changmin catches him looking, he flashes Junsu a smile and throws one leg over his. It’s a move so comfortable and innocent, more nostalgic than anything.
This is what holds them together, and it’s subtle to the point of breaking. They’ve needed push after push to get here, and it’s not certain that another won’t send them off-balance, reeling off this fine line.
In his head he imagines and says a thousand things, some of the sound like Jaejoong, some like Changmin - it’s not so easy, this isn’t exactly normal, we’re not exactly normal, how does this work, stop trying to be so rational - He pictures intimacy and embarrassment and impossible things, but in truth he has no idea what will actually happen - tonight, or afterward. He doesn’t even know when they’ll all see each other again.
And the pause is like thunderclouds gathering for their storm, the way you can feel the rising pressure with some sort of second nature, air heavy in the hollows between your heart and lung. It’s static and it’s them, waiting, lingering on the edge of this one, charged question-
Where do we go from here?
started writing: 4/3/10
finished writing: 7/9/10
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To begin, I am horribly sorry this is so late. Unfortunate RL events kept me from writing for several weeks, and when I finally had time I had... difficulties, with the last few parts :'D I wrote six different endings, and this one is the only one that truly seemed right for the story. It's a question open for you to answer, this story more about the coming-together of a threesome than anything, and I hope it was satisfying to read for that alone. Forgive any typos, it's a little rough because I wanted to get it posted asap - I leave for Haiti in a few days, so my internet connection will be, safe to say, quite nonexistent.
Thanks to you all for waiting, and comments are always appreciated!
***Also, I've created a fanmix for this fic, which is a collection of songs I listened to and used for inspiration while writing. You can download it here :)