push, drown (01/03)
push, drown
jaemin, minsu (eventual jaeminsu); pg-13
romance/drama
2,812 words
because of/blamed on/for itsplashes ♥
Junsu is the friend, the sidekick, the last resort. He is the outsider, always looking in... but he can't know where to stand if they keep changing the boundaries.
Junsu watches them together- as much as he can, anyway, with the stylist turning his head this way and that. They’re fighting on the couch about something trivial, passing time because there’s nothing else to do while waiting for their turn to get ready.
Jaejoong has a hold on Changmin like he always does, a hand on each wrist, pushing him back and further down into the cushions. Changmin whines and kicks out but Jaejoong keeps pressing and twisting, laughing in the younger man’s face.
And when Changmin grimaces, his eyes smile with challenge and he’s not fighting like he could, not until the older man has him trapped under his arms. Jaejoong will have to crawl into Changmin’s lap if he wants to push him any further. Yunho’s talking to the manager and Yoochun’s getting changed and so no one hears or cares- no one sees but Junsu when Jaejoong leans down and presses close and-
“Junsu-sshi, face forward,” the stylist says sternly, turning his head for him. She steps to the side and he can’t even see them out of the corner of his eye. Junsu sighs and stares ahead at his reflection, not even sure if he recognizes the look in his own eyes.
It’s been a long day and when Changmin and Junsu decide to watch a movie they, inevitably, argue about it. They’re both in a foul mood but neither of them really wants to admit it. Changmin picks a movie and Junsu makes a face and Junsu picks one and Changmin makes a nasty remark.
When Changmin threatens to hit him there’s menace in his voice and Junsu thinks damnit, I didn’t want this but then Changmin reaches out for a pillow and smacks him upside the head with it. Junsu gapes and stutters and grabs a pillow of his own.
Soon enough they’re gritting their teeth and practically knocking each other over from the blows. They only stop when they hear a cough, and Yunho’s standing at the door with a frustrated look.
“Guys…” he says slowly, no doubt thinking they were fighting for real.
But Junsu gives a fierce grin. “It’s fine,” he says, looking to Changmin.
And Changmin chuckles, tossing his pillow at Junsu. “Yeah, hyung. It doesn’t mean anything.”
“Just be happy you didn’t break anything,” Yunho grumbles, just as Jaejoong comes up behind him and asks cautiously someone broke something?
“No one broke anything, everything’s fine,” Changmin says again, rolling his eyes. He stands up. “It’s nothing. Were you going to order dinner soon?”
Junsu bites the inside of his cheek, watching Changmin almost-leave. He keeps quiet while Jaejoong and Changmin and Yunho talk, sitting on the floor with two pillows in his lap and feeling like a little kid.
“What about our movie?” He finally blurts out, and Changmin turns around.
“Oh yeah… but we’ll have to stop if we start it now. Let’s watch it after dinner, yah?”
Junsu nods slowly. “Oh… ok.”
“Great. Thanks, Junsu,” he says honestly. “We can even watch the one you picked, that one about the ghost-girl.”
Junsu can’t help smile at that, and Changmin’s answering grin is bright, bordering on an actual laugh, and it’s enough to send Junsu’s heart into double-time.
They leave and Junsu ducks his head to hide his guilty blush. When he looks back up though, he jumps, surprised to see Jaejoong still in the doorway, still looking at him. The elder singer is giving Junsu a look that he can’t quite read, but Junsu doesn’t look away. It’s like Jaejoong is saying something and he is answering- Junsu doesn’t know what that something is, but he can feel it.
When Jaejoong finally turns to leave, Junsu lets his fingers unclench from the pillow.
Junsu doesn’t eat after six but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t like to watch the others when they do. Changmin goes through a phase of eating midnight snacks and Junsu sits with him in the kitchen, on the counter, their feet swinging and kicking out playfully.
“Jaejoong and Yoochun went out drinking,” Changmin says one night, pouting.
“They always go out drinking,” Junsu scowls, adding “why do you care?”
Changmin shrugs. “Why didn’t you go? You’re old enough, at least.”
“’Cause I didn’t want to,” he says, not adding I’d rather have you alone. Once Jaejoong invited him, but Junsu couldn’t bear the thought of sitting there, always the third wheel, while he and Yoochun them drank themselves into their own little world. “It only leads to trouble, anyway. Why? Upset you can’t go?”
“They used to ask me,” Changmin grumbles into his rice bowl.
Junsu chuckles and pinches Changmin’s arm. “Yah, and that was before debut and you weren’t the darling maknae.”
“Tch, darling… whatever,” the other boy snorts, reaching over to push Junsu’s head. Junsu ducks the swat and laughs, pinching his cheek this time.
“You’re too cute,” he coos, even as Changmin shakes his head to make him let go. Junsu cackles and Changmin stares into his bowl, uncharacteristically quiet.
“You’re the cute one,” he mumbles, and Junsu almost misses it. He opens his mouth before he can think of a reply, closing it just as quickly. And when Changmin adds and I like hanging out with you too, hyung. It’s not so bad, Junsu is left faltering.
They stare at the floor together, the kitchen’s half-light a dull reflection on the floor. Changmin’s legs are just a bit longer and Junsu has the strange urge to run his foot along the bridge of the other boy’s heel. He doesn’t but his toes still feel the phantom sensation, the quiver of longing. The feeling never really stops.
Before they debut, there is a debate whether Junsu or Jaejoong will be lead singer. Jaejoong has the looks and the range, sure, but Junsu has the experience and control and dance skills and natural ability… and they still give it to Jaejoong.
Junsu doesn’t forgive Jaejoong for quite a long time, after that.
He hides it well. He doesn’t think the others notice, or see it as anything outside of the sort of rivalry they all have with each other in the beginning. Maybe Changmin notices. He always gives Junsu that extra bit of attention, his own special brand of teasing affection.
And then Changmin grows up, finding himself on equal grounds with them, his oldest and youngest hyung. Junsu and Jaejoong are the ones he can go to and be himself, where he can fool around and be the mature one all at the same time. But whereas Junsu is still the friend, the sidekick, the last resort, Jaejoong is…
Junsu doesn’t think he’s ever forgiven Jaejoong for that.
Yoochun is spending the night with his family and Jaejoong thinks he’s lonely, so he decides he’s going to spend the night in Changmin and Junsu’s room. He doesn’t ask and he doesn’t seem to pay attention to Junsu’s subtle glares - he certainly doesn’t pay attention to Changmin’s angry yells to get out, you annoying excuse for a man.
Jaejoong climbs all over Changmin’s bed and snuggles up to him, saying “Oh Changmin-ah, you know you want me here.”
And Changmin pushes at Jaejoong’s face and turns pleading eyes to Junsu. “Junsu, please, save me!”
Junsu wants to let them both suffer but the more he sees them struggle, limbs tangled like awkward octopi, he can’t help the laugh that escapes his throat.
Changmin hears him and pleads again, crying out, “Junsu! I’ll call you hyung!”
Jaejoong gasps and says you never call me that! so Junsu sits up, walks over to them slowly. He hesitates before he reaches out to peel Jaejoong off Changmin, taking guilty pleasure in the act. “Yah!” he yells, when Jaejoong twists around and grabs onto his leg, instead.
“Junsu… he’s so mean to me! You’ll be nice to me, right?”
“Changmin!”
And Changmin, the little brat, turns up his nose at the both of them. He kicks at Jaejoong until he falls off the bed and then proceeds to roll over, hugging his pillow. “Deal with him yourself, hyung.”
“You-”
Jaejoong’s loud laughter cuts him off, and he manages to shake him off and angrily dive back into his sheets. He hears Jaejoong rummaging around, making a bed for himself on the floor; the lights go out, and then there’s silence.
Hours later, Junsu’s still awake. He rubs his eyes until he sees colors float across the dark ceiling. “Changminnie… you awake?”
No answer from the youngest, but he hears Jaejoong, his hesitant I am.
“Oh,” Junsu replies. He doesn’t say anything else and pretends to fall back asleep, but Changmin’s breath is even and Jaejoong’s isn’t -and in the end, neither is his.
It’s one too many nights of one too little hours of sleep. That happens more than they like but this time they have a live to do and they walk out on stage full of weary confidence- and it’s terrible.
It starts with Junsu, his voice cracking on just the wrong part and then it’s all downhill from there, when Jaejoong trips over flat notes and the others can’t really make up the difference. Junsu, for once, is almost too shaken to recover. Yoochun sends him concerned looks out of the corner of his eye, but then he hits another sour note and when he looks out he can’t even see the crowd, he only feels the pressure around his eyes, the sting of failure and bright spotlights.
They end it with bitter smiles and file over to stage-right. The moment they’re off stage Yunho turns around, his eyes hard and disappointed. Changmin stops and looks back, reaching out to Jaejoong and consoling him even as the older man crouches down, hanging his head.
When Yoochun turns it’s to give Junsu a sympathetic gaze but Junsu doesn’t want it, not from him, and he’s so mad at himself and everything- and he pushes past Yoochun, ignoring it when Changmin spares him a glance and when Yunho calls out to him. He storms away and slams the dressing room door behind him.
When Jaejoong starts to really open up to Junsu, it throws him off. There’s always been that awkward reluctance between them - something about Jaejoong that puts Junsu on-edge and out-of-sorts and makes him feel far too self-conscious. He’s never able to put his finger on it -but it’s there, and both of them respected it. Everyone did.
But now Jaejoong is talking and touching him and Junsu doesn’t know what to think. At first he resists and shrugs away on-camera hugs, blatantly dodges off-camera ones. Eventually Yunho tugs him aside and says Hey, lighten up. He’s just trying, ok?
And Changmin gives him a pleading look and Junsu thinks- okay, Jaejoong’s trying. When Junsu thinks about it a lot he realizes maybe he shouldn’t blame Jaejoong, so much. It isn’t like Junsu ever said anything, ever made a claim -not that he will, either. It’s just…
So Junsu tries a little, too. At their next concert he comes up and gives Jaejoong a sharp hug, a ganbatte, ne? right before they go on-stage for the opening number. It isn’t too bad, but seeing the way Jaejoong’s whole face lights up leaves a bad taste in the back of his throat.
Junsu walked in on them once. It was in the days after Paris, when they’d come home with foreign air in their lungs and a sort of courage that comes from feeling like you could rule the whole wide world. Junsu dreamed in French and Changmin’s hair was never quite long enough to stay in its ponytail. Junsu would watch his bangs sway down into his face and imagine himself reaching out to tuck them back, his fingers curling in as he pushed them behind the soft skin of his ear.
One night the door to their room was closed; it usually meant do not disturb but Junsu was half-asleep and not thinking right. He fumbled the knob and the door swung open just a tiny bit, enough for Junsu to see in and feel the air rush from his lungs.
Jaejoong was sitting on the edge of Changmin’s bed and maybe they had been talking or listening to music or looking over a magazine or anything else but what they were doing now- now that Changmin had swung over into Jaejoong’s lap and was kissing him.
And Junsu could just imagine it- Changmin and Jaejoong going through the proofs from the latest photo-shoot, Jaejoong babbling on about a bad picture of himself and Changmin teasing him about his vanity, so Jaejoong would’ve kissed him quick to shut him up, because that was how Jaejoong-logic worked. But then Changmin kissed him back, and Jaejoong had been too surprised to react.
This would be the first time, of course, Junsu knew, and though Jaejoong was shocked and he knew better because he was older and wiser, he still let the boy kiss him. Jaejoong didn’t stop him when Changmin pushed it further, inexperienced but so eager: when Changmin clenched his hand into his shirt, right over his heart, and crawled into his lap. He didn’t do anything other than moan and coax Changmin further, because how could he not?
Jaejoong even let his hand drift up under his shirt just to touch his skin, to run his fingers up his spine and Changmin shivered against him. He couldn’t resist because it was Changmin and the boy was kind of horribly perfect and just so, so eager-
And Junsu jerked back to himself, stepping back, slamming the door shut.
He ran back to the living room and collapsed on the couch, bundling under the blanket Yoochun’s mother had brought over for them, curling into himself. He ignored Changmin when the younger boy crept into the room minutes later and leaned over the couch. Changmin placed a hand on his back hesitantly and Junsu could feel the burn of body warmth. He wondered if Changmin’s pulse was still racing from the kiss, or from being caught. He screwed his eyes shut and pretended to be anywhere but there.
“Junsu, are you awake?” Changmin said, his voice half-pleading. “Junsu, what did you see?”
But Junsu didn’t move, didn’t breathe. He wasn’t awake, he didn’t see anything. Just go away, please. Just go away.
Changmin went away. It was never mentioned again.
Sometimes, Junsu feels like he’s walking under water. The world is slightly skewed, and everything he’s seeing is distorted: innocent touches between them always seem like something more, his own suspicions warped to fit his own desire - but in truth, he doesn’t know what’s real and he can’t help but wonder if, maybe, it’s all in his head.
He dreams of dark days in Korea and looking out over a familiar skyline. He dreams of having arms so long he can reach past Yoochun and Jaejoong and hold Changmin’s hand behind the line of formation. One night he dreams that Jaejoong reaches down to grab his hand instead. Junsu frowns and tries to shake him off, but Jaejoong smiles sadly and holds on tighter. When he wakes up, he feels like he’s drowning.
Junsu is brushing his teeth in the bathroom when Changmin comes in, hair all over the place like he’s been through a drive-through carwash with no car. Junsu gives him a sudsy smile and Changmin grunts.
“Mov’ver hyung,” he mumbles. But before Junsu even has a chance to move Changmin pushes forward, draping himself across his back. Junsu freezes but Changmin doesn’t back away, lazily wrapping around him as he reaches for his own toothbrush.
“Changmin-ah…” Junsu gulps, the taste of mint sharp on his tongue.
“Han’ me th’paste,” Changmin answers.
Junsu closes his eyes and hands him the paste. When Changmin’s done he puts it back on the counter, but lets his arm linger around Junsu’s waist. Junsu’s long done brushing his teeth and he’s got a mouthful of foam about ready to overflow but he doesn’t bend down, bend away, to spit it out. They brush silently for a couple more minutes.
When Changmin is done, he pushes Junsu over to spit in the sink. He’s got extra froth around his lips and he rubs it off on the back of Junsu’s neck.
Junsu lets out a half-hearted cry but Changmin puts his chin on his shoulder, squeezing him once and giving him a playfully sweet smile in the mirror. “Thanks, Junsu,” he says.
He lets go and walks out of the bathroom. As soon as he’s gone Junsu hangs his head, just as he drops his hands to braces himself against the counter. He lets out a slow, shuddering breath and it travels through his entire body, echoes of tremors his fingers and knees and heart.
[part two]
started writing: 4/3/10
finished writing: 5/6/10
master list
Free Hit Counter
This rest of this fic is mostly complete, so the next parts will be posted every couple of days or so. Special mention goes to mearii87 for helping me work/whine out my issues with the end of this crazy thing. Complicated ot3 is complicated D: Comments always appreciated!
jaemin, minsu (eventual jaeminsu); pg-13
romance/drama
2,812 words
because of/blamed on/for itsplashes ♥
Junsu is the friend, the sidekick, the last resort. He is the outsider, always looking in... but he can't know where to stand if they keep changing the boundaries.
Junsu watches them together- as much as he can, anyway, with the stylist turning his head this way and that. They’re fighting on the couch about something trivial, passing time because there’s nothing else to do while waiting for their turn to get ready.
Jaejoong has a hold on Changmin like he always does, a hand on each wrist, pushing him back and further down into the cushions. Changmin whines and kicks out but Jaejoong keeps pressing and twisting, laughing in the younger man’s face.
And when Changmin grimaces, his eyes smile with challenge and he’s not fighting like he could, not until the older man has him trapped under his arms. Jaejoong will have to crawl into Changmin’s lap if he wants to push him any further. Yunho’s talking to the manager and Yoochun’s getting changed and so no one hears or cares- no one sees but Junsu when Jaejoong leans down and presses close and-
“Junsu-sshi, face forward,” the stylist says sternly, turning his head for him. She steps to the side and he can’t even see them out of the corner of his eye. Junsu sighs and stares ahead at his reflection, not even sure if he recognizes the look in his own eyes.
It’s been a long day and when Changmin and Junsu decide to watch a movie they, inevitably, argue about it. They’re both in a foul mood but neither of them really wants to admit it. Changmin picks a movie and Junsu makes a face and Junsu picks one and Changmin makes a nasty remark.
When Changmin threatens to hit him there’s menace in his voice and Junsu thinks damnit, I didn’t want this but then Changmin reaches out for a pillow and smacks him upside the head with it. Junsu gapes and stutters and grabs a pillow of his own.
Soon enough they’re gritting their teeth and practically knocking each other over from the blows. They only stop when they hear a cough, and Yunho’s standing at the door with a frustrated look.
“Guys…” he says slowly, no doubt thinking they were fighting for real.
But Junsu gives a fierce grin. “It’s fine,” he says, looking to Changmin.
And Changmin chuckles, tossing his pillow at Junsu. “Yeah, hyung. It doesn’t mean anything.”
“Just be happy you didn’t break anything,” Yunho grumbles, just as Jaejoong comes up behind him and asks cautiously someone broke something?
“No one broke anything, everything’s fine,” Changmin says again, rolling his eyes. He stands up. “It’s nothing. Were you going to order dinner soon?”
Junsu bites the inside of his cheek, watching Changmin almost-leave. He keeps quiet while Jaejoong and Changmin and Yunho talk, sitting on the floor with two pillows in his lap and feeling like a little kid.
“What about our movie?” He finally blurts out, and Changmin turns around.
“Oh yeah… but we’ll have to stop if we start it now. Let’s watch it after dinner, yah?”
Junsu nods slowly. “Oh… ok.”
“Great. Thanks, Junsu,” he says honestly. “We can even watch the one you picked, that one about the ghost-girl.”
Junsu can’t help smile at that, and Changmin’s answering grin is bright, bordering on an actual laugh, and it’s enough to send Junsu’s heart into double-time.
They leave and Junsu ducks his head to hide his guilty blush. When he looks back up though, he jumps, surprised to see Jaejoong still in the doorway, still looking at him. The elder singer is giving Junsu a look that he can’t quite read, but Junsu doesn’t look away. It’s like Jaejoong is saying something and he is answering- Junsu doesn’t know what that something is, but he can feel it.
When Jaejoong finally turns to leave, Junsu lets his fingers unclench from the pillow.
Junsu doesn’t eat after six but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t like to watch the others when they do. Changmin goes through a phase of eating midnight snacks and Junsu sits with him in the kitchen, on the counter, their feet swinging and kicking out playfully.
“Jaejoong and Yoochun went out drinking,” Changmin says one night, pouting.
“They always go out drinking,” Junsu scowls, adding “why do you care?”
Changmin shrugs. “Why didn’t you go? You’re old enough, at least.”
“’Cause I didn’t want to,” he says, not adding I’d rather have you alone. Once Jaejoong invited him, but Junsu couldn’t bear the thought of sitting there, always the third wheel, while he and Yoochun them drank themselves into their own little world. “It only leads to trouble, anyway. Why? Upset you can’t go?”
“They used to ask me,” Changmin grumbles into his rice bowl.
Junsu chuckles and pinches Changmin’s arm. “Yah, and that was before debut and you weren’t the darling maknae.”
“Tch, darling… whatever,” the other boy snorts, reaching over to push Junsu’s head. Junsu ducks the swat and laughs, pinching his cheek this time.
“You’re too cute,” he coos, even as Changmin shakes his head to make him let go. Junsu cackles and Changmin stares into his bowl, uncharacteristically quiet.
“You’re the cute one,” he mumbles, and Junsu almost misses it. He opens his mouth before he can think of a reply, closing it just as quickly. And when Changmin adds and I like hanging out with you too, hyung. It’s not so bad, Junsu is left faltering.
They stare at the floor together, the kitchen’s half-light a dull reflection on the floor. Changmin’s legs are just a bit longer and Junsu has the strange urge to run his foot along the bridge of the other boy’s heel. He doesn’t but his toes still feel the phantom sensation, the quiver of longing. The feeling never really stops.
Before they debut, there is a debate whether Junsu or Jaejoong will be lead singer. Jaejoong has the looks and the range, sure, but Junsu has the experience and control and dance skills and natural ability… and they still give it to Jaejoong.
Junsu doesn’t forgive Jaejoong for quite a long time, after that.
He hides it well. He doesn’t think the others notice, or see it as anything outside of the sort of rivalry they all have with each other in the beginning. Maybe Changmin notices. He always gives Junsu that extra bit of attention, his own special brand of teasing affection.
And then Changmin grows up, finding himself on equal grounds with them, his oldest and youngest hyung. Junsu and Jaejoong are the ones he can go to and be himself, where he can fool around and be the mature one all at the same time. But whereas Junsu is still the friend, the sidekick, the last resort, Jaejoong is…
Junsu doesn’t think he’s ever forgiven Jaejoong for that.
Yoochun is spending the night with his family and Jaejoong thinks he’s lonely, so he decides he’s going to spend the night in Changmin and Junsu’s room. He doesn’t ask and he doesn’t seem to pay attention to Junsu’s subtle glares - he certainly doesn’t pay attention to Changmin’s angry yells to get out, you annoying excuse for a man.
Jaejoong climbs all over Changmin’s bed and snuggles up to him, saying “Oh Changmin-ah, you know you want me here.”
And Changmin pushes at Jaejoong’s face and turns pleading eyes to Junsu. “Junsu, please, save me!”
Junsu wants to let them both suffer but the more he sees them struggle, limbs tangled like awkward octopi, he can’t help the laugh that escapes his throat.
Changmin hears him and pleads again, crying out, “Junsu! I’ll call you hyung!”
Jaejoong gasps and says you never call me that! so Junsu sits up, walks over to them slowly. He hesitates before he reaches out to peel Jaejoong off Changmin, taking guilty pleasure in the act. “Yah!” he yells, when Jaejoong twists around and grabs onto his leg, instead.
“Junsu… he’s so mean to me! You’ll be nice to me, right?”
“Changmin!”
And Changmin, the little brat, turns up his nose at the both of them. He kicks at Jaejoong until he falls off the bed and then proceeds to roll over, hugging his pillow. “Deal with him yourself, hyung.”
“You-”
Jaejoong’s loud laughter cuts him off, and he manages to shake him off and angrily dive back into his sheets. He hears Jaejoong rummaging around, making a bed for himself on the floor; the lights go out, and then there’s silence.
Hours later, Junsu’s still awake. He rubs his eyes until he sees colors float across the dark ceiling. “Changminnie… you awake?”
No answer from the youngest, but he hears Jaejoong, his hesitant I am.
“Oh,” Junsu replies. He doesn’t say anything else and pretends to fall back asleep, but Changmin’s breath is even and Jaejoong’s isn’t -and in the end, neither is his.
It’s one too many nights of one too little hours of sleep. That happens more than they like but this time they have a live to do and they walk out on stage full of weary confidence- and it’s terrible.
It starts with Junsu, his voice cracking on just the wrong part and then it’s all downhill from there, when Jaejoong trips over flat notes and the others can’t really make up the difference. Junsu, for once, is almost too shaken to recover. Yoochun sends him concerned looks out of the corner of his eye, but then he hits another sour note and when he looks out he can’t even see the crowd, he only feels the pressure around his eyes, the sting of failure and bright spotlights.
They end it with bitter smiles and file over to stage-right. The moment they’re off stage Yunho turns around, his eyes hard and disappointed. Changmin stops and looks back, reaching out to Jaejoong and consoling him even as the older man crouches down, hanging his head.
When Yoochun turns it’s to give Junsu a sympathetic gaze but Junsu doesn’t want it, not from him, and he’s so mad at himself and everything- and he pushes past Yoochun, ignoring it when Changmin spares him a glance and when Yunho calls out to him. He storms away and slams the dressing room door behind him.
When Jaejoong starts to really open up to Junsu, it throws him off. There’s always been that awkward reluctance between them - something about Jaejoong that puts Junsu on-edge and out-of-sorts and makes him feel far too self-conscious. He’s never able to put his finger on it -but it’s there, and both of them respected it. Everyone did.
But now Jaejoong is talking and touching him and Junsu doesn’t know what to think. At first he resists and shrugs away on-camera hugs, blatantly dodges off-camera ones. Eventually Yunho tugs him aside and says Hey, lighten up. He’s just trying, ok?
And Changmin gives him a pleading look and Junsu thinks- okay, Jaejoong’s trying. When Junsu thinks about it a lot he realizes maybe he shouldn’t blame Jaejoong, so much. It isn’t like Junsu ever said anything, ever made a claim -not that he will, either. It’s just…
So Junsu tries a little, too. At their next concert he comes up and gives Jaejoong a sharp hug, a ganbatte, ne? right before they go on-stage for the opening number. It isn’t too bad, but seeing the way Jaejoong’s whole face lights up leaves a bad taste in the back of his throat.
Junsu walked in on them once. It was in the days after Paris, when they’d come home with foreign air in their lungs and a sort of courage that comes from feeling like you could rule the whole wide world. Junsu dreamed in French and Changmin’s hair was never quite long enough to stay in its ponytail. Junsu would watch his bangs sway down into his face and imagine himself reaching out to tuck them back, his fingers curling in as he pushed them behind the soft skin of his ear.
One night the door to their room was closed; it usually meant do not disturb but Junsu was half-asleep and not thinking right. He fumbled the knob and the door swung open just a tiny bit, enough for Junsu to see in and feel the air rush from his lungs.
Jaejoong was sitting on the edge of Changmin’s bed and maybe they had been talking or listening to music or looking over a magazine or anything else but what they were doing now- now that Changmin had swung over into Jaejoong’s lap and was kissing him.
And Junsu could just imagine it- Changmin and Jaejoong going through the proofs from the latest photo-shoot, Jaejoong babbling on about a bad picture of himself and Changmin teasing him about his vanity, so Jaejoong would’ve kissed him quick to shut him up, because that was how Jaejoong-logic worked. But then Changmin kissed him back, and Jaejoong had been too surprised to react.
This would be the first time, of course, Junsu knew, and though Jaejoong was shocked and he knew better because he was older and wiser, he still let the boy kiss him. Jaejoong didn’t stop him when Changmin pushed it further, inexperienced but so eager: when Changmin clenched his hand into his shirt, right over his heart, and crawled into his lap. He didn’t do anything other than moan and coax Changmin further, because how could he not?
Jaejoong even let his hand drift up under his shirt just to touch his skin, to run his fingers up his spine and Changmin shivered against him. He couldn’t resist because it was Changmin and the boy was kind of horribly perfect and just so, so eager-
And Junsu jerked back to himself, stepping back, slamming the door shut.
He ran back to the living room and collapsed on the couch, bundling under the blanket Yoochun’s mother had brought over for them, curling into himself. He ignored Changmin when the younger boy crept into the room minutes later and leaned over the couch. Changmin placed a hand on his back hesitantly and Junsu could feel the burn of body warmth. He wondered if Changmin’s pulse was still racing from the kiss, or from being caught. He screwed his eyes shut and pretended to be anywhere but there.
“Junsu, are you awake?” Changmin said, his voice half-pleading. “Junsu, what did you see?”
But Junsu didn’t move, didn’t breathe. He wasn’t awake, he didn’t see anything. Just go away, please. Just go away.
Changmin went away. It was never mentioned again.
Sometimes, Junsu feels like he’s walking under water. The world is slightly skewed, and everything he’s seeing is distorted: innocent touches between them always seem like something more, his own suspicions warped to fit his own desire - but in truth, he doesn’t know what’s real and he can’t help but wonder if, maybe, it’s all in his head.
He dreams of dark days in Korea and looking out over a familiar skyline. He dreams of having arms so long he can reach past Yoochun and Jaejoong and hold Changmin’s hand behind the line of formation. One night he dreams that Jaejoong reaches down to grab his hand instead. Junsu frowns and tries to shake him off, but Jaejoong smiles sadly and holds on tighter. When he wakes up, he feels like he’s drowning.
Junsu is brushing his teeth in the bathroom when Changmin comes in, hair all over the place like he’s been through a drive-through carwash with no car. Junsu gives him a sudsy smile and Changmin grunts.
“Mov’ver hyung,” he mumbles. But before Junsu even has a chance to move Changmin pushes forward, draping himself across his back. Junsu freezes but Changmin doesn’t back away, lazily wrapping around him as he reaches for his own toothbrush.
“Changmin-ah…” Junsu gulps, the taste of mint sharp on his tongue.
“Han’ me th’paste,” Changmin answers.
Junsu closes his eyes and hands him the paste. When Changmin’s done he puts it back on the counter, but lets his arm linger around Junsu’s waist. Junsu’s long done brushing his teeth and he’s got a mouthful of foam about ready to overflow but he doesn’t bend down, bend away, to spit it out. They brush silently for a couple more minutes.
When Changmin is done, he pushes Junsu over to spit in the sink. He’s got extra froth around his lips and he rubs it off on the back of Junsu’s neck.
Junsu lets out a half-hearted cry but Changmin puts his chin on his shoulder, squeezing him once and giving him a playfully sweet smile in the mirror. “Thanks, Junsu,” he says.
He lets go and walks out of the bathroom. As soon as he’s gone Junsu hangs his head, just as he drops his hands to braces himself against the counter. He lets out a slow, shuddering breath and it travels through his entire body, echoes of tremors his fingers and knees and heart.
[part two]
started writing: 4/3/10
finished writing: 5/6/10
master list
Free Hit Counter
This rest of this fic is mostly complete, so the next parts will be posted every couple of days or so. Special mention goes to mearii87 for helping me work/whine out my issues with the end of this crazy thing. Complicated ot3 is complicated D: Comments always appreciated!