fic: Never Say Never Again [18/?]
Title: Never Say Never Again
Rating: R [language and Disturbing Jack-Related Themes]
Spoilers: more or less up to Adam-ish so far, if one squints
Disclaimer: got my bags packed for the legal boobyhatch already
Summary: Jack's in trouble. Yes, that kind of trouble. What's a pregnant guy to do when the employee handbook says "no guns at the baby shower"...?
Notes: Whacko!AU!Muse still managing to make her self-imposed Monday deadline, much to my surprise. Maybe she'll even let me go to bed now... {sigh}
[Chapters 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, and 17.]
**********
As 'the nanny's night off' briefings to a non-custodial parent went, Jack reflected, what was disturbing about this one was exactly how ordinary it seemed until one began tuning in to the details. Take the nappy discussion, for example. Or more precisely, possible contents of. "And if you should see a, well, it's about this long, looks like a machine-screw but it's green, I kind of need that back."
"Doctor!"
"What? Do you know how long it took me to find another one of those?"
"That's not the point. He could have choked."
"Nah, he's a Time Lord, he is. Respiratory bypass, remember? Physically impossible for him to choke. Or drown. Or asphyxiate in the vacuum of space, not that I'm in the habit of sending him outside to play or anything. Poison gas, now, that can be a problem if it's sudden enough to get a breath of it unawares, but generally speaking --"
"Generally speaking you're letting our son teethe on machine-screws."
"It wasn't exactly a question of 'letting'."
"Whoa, whoa, time," Jack said, wishing he had a referee's whistle. "Alien baby, alien rules, remember? Kid can probably field-strip his own carseat by now."
Martha gave him a dark look as she cuddled her son protectively. "I can tell I'll be the one doing most of the childproofing around here, if you two are going to be such rubbish at it," she said. "I can just see you sitting there taking notes as one of them heads for the toaster with a fork."
"It depends in what regard I happen to hold the toaster in question," the Doctor replied haughtily. "Or the electrical grid it's attached to."
"I'm going to bed," Jack said, prying himself free of the sofa's clutches. His back was telling him that some prolonged horizontality might (might, mind you, not necessarily would, blast it) be in order right about now, and since this looked to be shaping up into an extended tiff over cross-species parenting standards he didn't think he'd be particularly missed at this point. And bed, for tonight, meant the rare comfort of the TARDIS. Since it's not as if I've been able to make it down that old ladder in months, and they would insist on having their argument on the sofa... Jack saw two pairs of dark eyes taking passing notice as he bent to fit his key into the lock and slipped into the ship.
Lying down helped, but not as much as Jack had been hoping. He was still tossing restlessly in search of a comfortable position when one not-particularly-surprised Time Lord turned up in the doorway. "Might have known I'd find you naked in my bed."
"Am I really that predictable?"
"Pretty much, yeah."
"I'm not stark naked," Jack pointed out impishly, winding the chain of his TARDIS key around a finger.
The Doctor was fighting off a grin. "That is a ridiculously short chain for a key," he remarked. "You should only see yourself when you use it."
"Hey, right about now I look like a manatee from any angle." Jack heaved himself onto his other side, feeling distinctly beached. Crap, that's not it either. "Don't suppose you could turn down the gravity in here to approximate a marine environment, huh?"
The Time Lord chuckled, and Jack felt the bed sag under a deceptively slight-looking frame. "Only make it worse when you have to readjust." Cool alien fingers traced down Jack's spine to the small of his back and began describing firm circles. Okay, nearly as good. In fact, maybe better. Yeah, definitely better. Jack could sense Rosie's contentment as well, a drowsy assuredness that she had a Mummy and a Daddy and all was as it should be. Time enough to disabuse her of that later, say when she got to college...
Jack was limp and almost dozing by the time he became aware that the Time Lord had slipped into the bed to spoon his cool body around Jack's warmer one. "Aw, you stopped," he mumbled into the pillow.
"Greedy." A cheek settled against the back of his neck. "S'pose you've earned it. Going through all this."
"Been through worse." Yes, given the choice between this year and another he could think of, feeling like a sea-cow was a mere trifle on the scale of things, wasn't it. Jack closed his eyes and concentrated on the steadiness of the doubled heartbeat at his back, warm and alive and trusting in him to see this through, to look after their tiny echoes for now and for the years to come. All right, Rosie, Mummy does love Daddy. Just don't you dare ever tell him I thought it...
Rating: R [language and Disturbing Jack-Related Themes]
Spoilers: more or less up to Adam-ish so far, if one squints
Disclaimer: got my bags packed for the legal boobyhatch already
Summary: Jack's in trouble. Yes, that kind of trouble. What's a pregnant guy to do when the employee handbook says "no guns at the baby shower"...?
Notes: Whacko!AU!Muse still managing to make her self-imposed Monday deadline, much to my surprise. Maybe she'll even let me go to bed now... {sigh}
[Chapters 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, and 17.]
**********
As 'the nanny's night off' briefings to a non-custodial parent went, Jack reflected, what was disturbing about this one was exactly how ordinary it seemed until one began tuning in to the details. Take the nappy discussion, for example. Or more precisely, possible contents of. "And if you should see a, well, it's about this long, looks like a machine-screw but it's green, I kind of need that back."
"Doctor!"
"What? Do you know how long it took me to find another one of those?"
"That's not the point. He could have choked."
"Nah, he's a Time Lord, he is. Respiratory bypass, remember? Physically impossible for him to choke. Or drown. Or asphyxiate in the vacuum of space, not that I'm in the habit of sending him outside to play or anything. Poison gas, now, that can be a problem if it's sudden enough to get a breath of it unawares, but generally speaking --"
"Generally speaking you're letting our son teethe on machine-screws."
"It wasn't exactly a question of 'letting'."
"Whoa, whoa, time," Jack said, wishing he had a referee's whistle. "Alien baby, alien rules, remember? Kid can probably field-strip his own carseat by now."
Martha gave him a dark look as she cuddled her son protectively. "I can tell I'll be the one doing most of the childproofing around here, if you two are going to be such rubbish at it," she said. "I can just see you sitting there taking notes as one of them heads for the toaster with a fork."
"It depends in what regard I happen to hold the toaster in question," the Doctor replied haughtily. "Or the electrical grid it's attached to."
"I'm going to bed," Jack said, prying himself free of the sofa's clutches. His back was telling him that some prolonged horizontality might (might, mind you, not necessarily would, blast it) be in order right about now, and since this looked to be shaping up into an extended tiff over cross-species parenting standards he didn't think he'd be particularly missed at this point. And bed, for tonight, meant the rare comfort of the TARDIS. Since it's not as if I've been able to make it down that old ladder in months, and they would insist on having their argument on the sofa... Jack saw two pairs of dark eyes taking passing notice as he bent to fit his key into the lock and slipped into the ship.
Lying down helped, but not as much as Jack had been hoping. He was still tossing restlessly in search of a comfortable position when one not-particularly-surprised Time Lord turned up in the doorway. "Might have known I'd find you naked in my bed."
"Am I really that predictable?"
"Pretty much, yeah."
"I'm not stark naked," Jack pointed out impishly, winding the chain of his TARDIS key around a finger.
The Doctor was fighting off a grin. "That is a ridiculously short chain for a key," he remarked. "You should only see yourself when you use it."
"Hey, right about now I look like a manatee from any angle." Jack heaved himself onto his other side, feeling distinctly beached. Crap, that's not it either. "Don't suppose you could turn down the gravity in here to approximate a marine environment, huh?"
The Time Lord chuckled, and Jack felt the bed sag under a deceptively slight-looking frame. "Only make it worse when you have to readjust." Cool alien fingers traced down Jack's spine to the small of his back and began describing firm circles. Okay, nearly as good. In fact, maybe better. Yeah, definitely better. Jack could sense Rosie's contentment as well, a drowsy assuredness that she had a Mummy and a Daddy and all was as it should be. Time enough to disabuse her of that later, say when she got to college...
Jack was limp and almost dozing by the time he became aware that the Time Lord had slipped into the bed to spoon his cool body around Jack's warmer one. "Aw, you stopped," he mumbled into the pillow.
"Greedy." A cheek settled against the back of his neck. "S'pose you've earned it. Going through all this."
"Been through worse." Yes, given the choice between this year and another he could think of, feeling like a sea-cow was a mere trifle on the scale of things, wasn't it. Jack closed his eyes and concentrated on the steadiness of the doubled heartbeat at his back, warm and alive and trusting in him to see this through, to look after their tiny echoes for now and for the years to come. All right, Rosie, Mummy does love Daddy. Just don't you dare ever tell him I thought it...