fic: "Man Enough To Admit It," by belmanoir (Ray/Ray, PG)
Title: Man Enough To Admit It
Author: belmanoir
Pairing: Ray/Ray
Rating: PG
Word count: 1,271
Summary: Ray and Ray watch Buffy. It brings up some issues.
Notes: Written for dS/C6D Tag! Speedbeta'd by the amazing inseriatim.
Disclaimer: These characters are not mine, and I am making no money off this.
Kowalski is watching the TV so closely that for a second Ray thinks it must be trying to burglarize their apartment. Then he realizes it's just the new Buffy episode. Buffy throws a bottle of holy water and a vampire explodes into dust.
"What's going on?" he asks.
"Shhhh," Kowalski says intently. "Hey, will you make me hot chocolate? With little marshmallows?"
"I'm not your fucking maid, Kowalski." Ray goes into the kitchen and starts heating up some milk. A couple minutes later he hears commercials, so he goes back in the living room. Kowalski looks agitated and unhappy, and Ray's guessing it's not because of the Toyota ad playing. Although Kowalski does get very emotional about Japanese cars sometimes.
"I thought you were excited 'cause bleach boy was coming back this week," Ray says.
"Yeah, but his girlfriend dumped him," Kowalski says, sounding traumatized. "He's a broken vamp. Plus, his girlfriend was sexy. Batshit crazy, but sexy."
"He'll recover."
"They were together for like a hundred and fifty years, Vecchio!"
Suddenly Ray feels like shit. "Oh, so almost as long as you and Stella then, huh?"
Kowalski drags his eyes away from the TV to look at him. "What crawled up your ass?" he wants to know.
"Nothing," Ray says. Luckily the show comes back on and Ray is able to escape to the kitchen. The milk is hot, so he adds the cocoa powder and stirs. Then he starts digging in the cupboards for the marshmallows he swears he bought last week. He can't find them because Kowalski cannot even begin to understand the proper arrangement of kitchen cabinets. Neither could Stella, actually. They were fucking perfect for each other. The sound of the credits starts in the next room and Kowalski walks in. "I can't find your damn marshmallows," Ray says without turning around.
"They're behind the pasta and the pastry bag," Kowalski says, digging them out and giving him this weird look like that should have been obvious. "Anyway, I think Spike's gonna get Drusilla back."
"Just fucking great," Ray mutters.
Kowalski slams the bag down on the counter. "Okay, what the hell is your problem, Vecchio?"
"I don't got a problem, except maybe that you hide the fucking groceries. It's a kitchen, not a goddamned scavenger hunt!"
"Look, is this about Spike and Dru? I mean, I know she was all slutty last season with Angel, but--"
"God, you're the most annoying man in the world!" Ray bursts out. "Like I give a fuck who Dru sleeps with! This is about you getting all sympathetic and comfort-needing over some broken-up long-term blond punk relationship! What, like I don't know this is about you and Stella? You gotta fucking flaunt it to me that you still want her back? Broken vamp my ass. Broken Kowalski is more like it."
"Oh, that's good coming from you," Kowalski snaps, gesturing wildly and dropping the bag of marshmallows on the floor. "We both know Fraser's only got to whistle and you'd come running."
"Not true," Ray says, going to pick up the bag of marshmallows at the same time as Kowalski. He pulls back before their hands can touch, because he can't deal with that right now. Kowalski's fingers, restless and calloused and hot and his on loan.
"You are so deep in denial I do not even think buddy breathing can save you!" Kowalski yanks his knife out of his pocket with a sharp, jerky motion.
"Sometimes I do not understand the shit that comes out of your mouth, Kowalski. But for your information he did whistle. And I'm still here, aren't I?"
"He did?" Kowalski miscalculates slicing into the bag and cuts himself, cursing. "When?" he asks, his bad-cop voice muffled by his injured finger.
"Hey, watch it! God, sometimes I think I should childproof this place. Let me see that." He yanks Kowalski's thumb out of his mouth and looks at it. It's nothing, but Ray drags Kowalski over to the sink anyway, looks at it under the light there and makes him wash it with soap. A minute ago he didn't want to touch Kowalski, and now he doesn't want to let go.
He has to, though. He needs something else to fidget over, so he works open the marshmallows and grabs a handful. He counts out six into a mug of the hot chocolate, and hands Kowalski the rest along with the mug.
Kowalski takes them, but he keeps looking at Ray. "Well?" he demands again.
Ray doesn't look at him. "It was last month. He asked, if he came back to Chicago, if me and him--"
Kowalski clenches his fist around the candy. "And what did you say?"
"What do you think I said? I told him I was seeing someone!"
Kowalski downs the marshmallows, finally. He has to scrape them off his palm. "Stella whistled too," he mutters, his voice sticky. "On New Year's."
Ray thinks back, and--"You said that was your cousin Janine with a pregnancy scare!"
"Well, I thought you'd be upset."
"You thought right. You were on the phone with her for two hours, Kowalski! We almost missed the ball dropping!"
Kowalski rubs at his palm. "Well, it was Stella! I told her no but I wasn't gonna tell her to fuck off! Look, it was no big deal. She does this every so often--gets drunk and lonely and remembers the good times and wants to try again."
"Yeah, no big deal. You ever say no before?"
Kowalski turns around to wash his hands. "Nah."
Vecchio doesn't know exactly what they were doing at midnight because they lost track of time, but he's sure that whatever it was, it was something he wants to be doing all year. Possibly forever. If he'd known that Kowalski was talking to Stella, they would have been having a fight instead.
He suspects that that phone call was a lot harder than Kowalski's making it out to be. God knows it was the hardest thing he ever did, telling Fraser no. Saying no to Fraser when Fraser was unhappy and lonely and offering Ray something he could barely remember not wanting. And then Fraser asked, if he'd said something earlier, if things might have been different. Ray didn't know the right answer or even what would hurt Fraser least. He just knew he couldn't lie to Benny. Not about this. Yeah, Benny, he said. You coulda had me anytime you wanted.
And he listened to Fraser's heavy silence on the other end of the line, and thought about the way Kowalski yelled and shoved, and thought, Maybe it's for the best. Which somehow hurt worse than all of it. That conversation felt like a lot more than just saying goodbye to the idea of being with Fraser. It felt like--he didn't even know. Like saying goodbye to being young, maybe, or to the person he'd been before Vegas. It felt like part of him had died, a part of him he'd actually liked.
"Come on, Vecchio," Kowalski wheedles, turning around. "Have some hot chocolate." He holds out his own mug, which from Kowalski is a big concession.
"Marshmallows are disgusting," Ray says, pouring himself a mug of his own.
Kowalski is not-too-subtly relieved. He's got marshmallow on his chin. "You really said no to Fraser for me?" he asks, sounding surprised and shy and about five seconds away from some really impressive bragging.
Ray leans back against the refrigerator. Their refrigerator. "Guess I'm pretty stupid, huh?"
"Like that's a surprise," Kowalski snorts. "You, uh, you ever thought about adoption?"
Author: belmanoir
Pairing: Ray/Ray
Rating: PG
Word count: 1,271
Summary: Ray and Ray watch Buffy. It brings up some issues.
Notes: Written for dS/C6D Tag! Speedbeta'd by the amazing inseriatim.
Disclaimer: These characters are not mine, and I am making no money off this.
Kowalski is watching the TV so closely that for a second Ray thinks it must be trying to burglarize their apartment. Then he realizes it's just the new Buffy episode. Buffy throws a bottle of holy water and a vampire explodes into dust.
"What's going on?" he asks.
"Shhhh," Kowalski says intently. "Hey, will you make me hot chocolate? With little marshmallows?"
"I'm not your fucking maid, Kowalski." Ray goes into the kitchen and starts heating up some milk. A couple minutes later he hears commercials, so he goes back in the living room. Kowalski looks agitated and unhappy, and Ray's guessing it's not because of the Toyota ad playing. Although Kowalski does get very emotional about Japanese cars sometimes.
"I thought you were excited 'cause bleach boy was coming back this week," Ray says.
"Yeah, but his girlfriend dumped him," Kowalski says, sounding traumatized. "He's a broken vamp. Plus, his girlfriend was sexy. Batshit crazy, but sexy."
"He'll recover."
"They were together for like a hundred and fifty years, Vecchio!"
Suddenly Ray feels like shit. "Oh, so almost as long as you and Stella then, huh?"
Kowalski drags his eyes away from the TV to look at him. "What crawled up your ass?" he wants to know.
"Nothing," Ray says. Luckily the show comes back on and Ray is able to escape to the kitchen. The milk is hot, so he adds the cocoa powder and stirs. Then he starts digging in the cupboards for the marshmallows he swears he bought last week. He can't find them because Kowalski cannot even begin to understand the proper arrangement of kitchen cabinets. Neither could Stella, actually. They were fucking perfect for each other. The sound of the credits starts in the next room and Kowalski walks in. "I can't find your damn marshmallows," Ray says without turning around.
"They're behind the pasta and the pastry bag," Kowalski says, digging them out and giving him this weird look like that should have been obvious. "Anyway, I think Spike's gonna get Drusilla back."
"Just fucking great," Ray mutters.
Kowalski slams the bag down on the counter. "Okay, what the hell is your problem, Vecchio?"
"I don't got a problem, except maybe that you hide the fucking groceries. It's a kitchen, not a goddamned scavenger hunt!"
"Look, is this about Spike and Dru? I mean, I know she was all slutty last season with Angel, but--"
"God, you're the most annoying man in the world!" Ray bursts out. "Like I give a fuck who Dru sleeps with! This is about you getting all sympathetic and comfort-needing over some broken-up long-term blond punk relationship! What, like I don't know this is about you and Stella? You gotta fucking flaunt it to me that you still want her back? Broken vamp my ass. Broken Kowalski is more like it."
"Oh, that's good coming from you," Kowalski snaps, gesturing wildly and dropping the bag of marshmallows on the floor. "We both know Fraser's only got to whistle and you'd come running."
"Not true," Ray says, going to pick up the bag of marshmallows at the same time as Kowalski. He pulls back before their hands can touch, because he can't deal with that right now. Kowalski's fingers, restless and calloused and hot and his on loan.
"You are so deep in denial I do not even think buddy breathing can save you!" Kowalski yanks his knife out of his pocket with a sharp, jerky motion.
"Sometimes I do not understand the shit that comes out of your mouth, Kowalski. But for your information he did whistle. And I'm still here, aren't I?"
"He did?" Kowalski miscalculates slicing into the bag and cuts himself, cursing. "When?" he asks, his bad-cop voice muffled by his injured finger.
"Hey, watch it! God, sometimes I think I should childproof this place. Let me see that." He yanks Kowalski's thumb out of his mouth and looks at it. It's nothing, but Ray drags Kowalski over to the sink anyway, looks at it under the light there and makes him wash it with soap. A minute ago he didn't want to touch Kowalski, and now he doesn't want to let go.
He has to, though. He needs something else to fidget over, so he works open the marshmallows and grabs a handful. He counts out six into a mug of the hot chocolate, and hands Kowalski the rest along with the mug.
Kowalski takes them, but he keeps looking at Ray. "Well?" he demands again.
Ray doesn't look at him. "It was last month. He asked, if he came back to Chicago, if me and him--"
Kowalski clenches his fist around the candy. "And what did you say?"
"What do you think I said? I told him I was seeing someone!"
Kowalski downs the marshmallows, finally. He has to scrape them off his palm. "Stella whistled too," he mutters, his voice sticky. "On New Year's."
Ray thinks back, and--"You said that was your cousin Janine with a pregnancy scare!"
"Well, I thought you'd be upset."
"You thought right. You were on the phone with her for two hours, Kowalski! We almost missed the ball dropping!"
Kowalski rubs at his palm. "Well, it was Stella! I told her no but I wasn't gonna tell her to fuck off! Look, it was no big deal. She does this every so often--gets drunk and lonely and remembers the good times and wants to try again."
"Yeah, no big deal. You ever say no before?"
Kowalski turns around to wash his hands. "Nah."
Vecchio doesn't know exactly what they were doing at midnight because they lost track of time, but he's sure that whatever it was, it was something he wants to be doing all year. Possibly forever. If he'd known that Kowalski was talking to Stella, they would have been having a fight instead.
He suspects that that phone call was a lot harder than Kowalski's making it out to be. God knows it was the hardest thing he ever did, telling Fraser no. Saying no to Fraser when Fraser was unhappy and lonely and offering Ray something he could barely remember not wanting. And then Fraser asked, if he'd said something earlier, if things might have been different. Ray didn't know the right answer or even what would hurt Fraser least. He just knew he couldn't lie to Benny. Not about this. Yeah, Benny, he said. You coulda had me anytime you wanted.
And he listened to Fraser's heavy silence on the other end of the line, and thought about the way Kowalski yelled and shoved, and thought, Maybe it's for the best. Which somehow hurt worse than all of it. That conversation felt like a lot more than just saying goodbye to the idea of being with Fraser. It felt like--he didn't even know. Like saying goodbye to being young, maybe, or to the person he'd been before Vegas. It felt like part of him had died, a part of him he'd actually liked.
"Come on, Vecchio," Kowalski wheedles, turning around. "Have some hot chocolate." He holds out his own mug, which from Kowalski is a big concession.
"Marshmallows are disgusting," Ray says, pouring himself a mug of his own.
Kowalski is not-too-subtly relieved. He's got marshmallow on his chin. "You really said no to Fraser for me?" he asks, sounding surprised and shy and about five seconds away from some really impressive bragging.
Ray leans back against the refrigerator. Their refrigerator. "Guess I'm pretty stupid, huh?"
"Like that's a surprise," Kowalski snorts. "You, uh, you ever thought about adoption?"