About Nothing...
I suspect I cut my hair off because guys like me with long hair. Simple as that. Strange? Perhaps. Self-destructive, meaningless gesture, very possibly. I mean I've been thinking about it for the longest time, but doing it by my own hand and in the most arbitrary and impulsive of manners, it symbolised something... although I'll be hard put to place a finger on it. It was a very personal sort of act. Having to watch in the mirror as I cut off something I've had for so long. Something alive in a way that was apart from me. I think the idea only started to take form when he said something to the effect that I looked better with long hair. Plus all the other guys who said not to cut my hair. And perhaps my flatmates' protests that my hair was really beautiful eventually pushed me into doing it. In one snip I felt like I was saying that I don't care for you or your damned regard for my appearance. Proving something to myself I suppose. That I was still my own person. That I can still control this and that I don't care to be judged by the way I look. Not that my looks made much of an impact one way or another anyway. But I guess the super long hair was something that people defined me by and it's time I put that definition to rest and killed it. The only way I knew how. -Shrug-
I'll cut it proper in London when I go down in March. Something short I think. I hate that my hair touches my neck. I hate hair in my face especially.
And it's funny, but I kept the hair long because it was convenient. It was easy to sweep it up and bun it. It had got to the length where I could knot it without anything in it. No clips, no hair ties. It stayed knotted by itself. It was good cause I could just tie my hair up and out of my way. Now, the shorter hair is less like me... it means spending time and money keeping it cut and out of my way. Something I normally wouldn't do. All for convenience's sake. Hah. It's just ironic when I think about it. In removing the thing that everyone felt was so beautiful (or whatever it is they thought), I'm using up more effort. It's like those celebrities that pay nutritionists to make them fat. And the best part is that I'm actually throwing away my money trying to maintain my hair in a not so luscious state. There's one for the psychology books. *rolls eyes at own stupidity*
------------------
When I was very little (not that I'm not little now, but a lot littler if you can imagine that), I had very little hair. I have photos of me being slightly bald and yes it was a problem. It wasn't like I was a baby. I could walk by myself and talk and everything already. Anyway, my mother used to scrape the comb hard over my scalp in an effort to stimulate the blood vessels or something. I hated having my hair combed. In any case, I used to pray that I would have lots of hair when I got older. That never really came true. I still have very thin hair. Just not so thin that it's abnormal. Tangents
--------------
Anyway, I had occasion to use friendster a while back. In any case, I think the testimonials one writes are more telling than the testimonials one receives. Which in my case, doesn't say a lot about me. I should learn to be more openly affectionate. (*Cries into beer* I love you man... I really do *thumps friend on back*)
But I maintain that friendster scares me. All these people you'll never escape, that you're connected too forever and ever. The morons, the fools, the bitches, the bastards, the assholes, the superficial backstabbers (especially these), the elitists, the narrow-minded.... you think you're rid of them and their horrible influence in your life? Never! NEVER! They're there, connected to you via 456 different paths, always just 2 links away forever and ever and ever.... (ever... ever... *fade away*)
I doubt they want to be connected to me either, I'm glad to say that I must have annoyed quite a few of them too. I don't ask for much from people. As long as you don't attack me or my friends behind me back, I'll pretend you don't exist. (And if you attack me or them to my face you're obviously asking for a confrontation so what are you whingeing on about?) Yes, I'm a terrible person that way.
-----------------
Just spreading the word. Janicers sent this to me and I'm now posting it up online, so go here now! (If I told you what it was about it wouldn't be much of a surprise now would it?)
"You are the styrofoam peanuts to the poorly-packaged cardboard box of my soul" Loved that one. It was sweet okay! -defensive glare- I guess not everyone likes "clever" things, but I'm one of those. Go see. And for those of you who can't read, it's okay, there's things for you too.
-----------------
My psychology practical mate said something to me the other day. She was talking about her mother. "It's really strange cause she's maybe 5 foot 1 and it must be something about small people..." It was in reference to small people's tenacity. It's our Napoleon/Hitler complex I tell you. AND THE SHORT SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH!! (if only the meek would stop getting in our way)
-----------------
I haven't done anything since last night. My books and papers are still sitting around in piles on my desk, threatening to fall over. Pens discarded all over the table, printer half covered by scribbled over rough paper. I look like I'm working, but I'm not. I'm sitting, typing out entry after entry of utter inane rubbish. But I like this typing. So I'll go on. You don't have to read if you don't want to. (In the same vein as "I didn't ask to be born" type whine)
------------------
The flatmates are out. I could run around naked if I wanted to. Not that I want to, but the idea that I could is nice. There are no locks on our doors which is sometimes annoying. I remember when I started locking my bedroom door at home. No one complains about it anymore. I needed my own personal space.
-------------------------
A quick poll of my friends has revealed that girls (I know) are much like guys (the stereotype). They'd like their boys unsullied (or relatively unsullied) when they come into the marriage bed. It's funny really. And no I'm not going to explain why. Although feudal China comes to mind. Yes I'm being deliberately cryptic. It's funny that no one's made a big deal out of this yet.
-----------------------
"... She thought she heard Robert's voice seeking her out through the noise and chatter of the tables. Not what it said, but the tone, a haunting, tender note in the lower cleft that her ear was attuned to and waited for."
- 'Acts of Mutiny' Derek Beaven
----------------------
I didn't love in a way that required possession of the other person, or in fact for my love to be returned at all. That love existed (exists???) for itself, for the other person's sake, not for mine. And that's where the problem lies isn't it? I can't feel betrayed, there's no betrayal. I can't feel hurt or angry... There is none of that. I'm... saddened I suppose, but that has got nothing to do with loving or having loved or any of that. That has its roots solely in my own hopes and wishes. This.. being upset has got nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. It doesn't relate to love lost, whatever that means because I lost nothing. Truth be told. So how do you stop loving someone with love like that? People fall out of love because their love is based on something that they are looking for. Romantic love is inherently selfish I think. But what do you do when it's romantic love but it has nothing to do with you? I don't know, but I'd sure like to stop now because I'm thinking about me and thinking that there are lots of other things I'd like to do with my life. But of course my heart has a stubborn mind all its own and it really doesn't care what's good for me. It loves who it loves. Fuck me.
-------------------
Where would I be without mince meat, tomato puree, pasta and fifteen minutes...
Probably starving or sleeping it off.
Dishes I make in no particular order of tastiness:
1) Fried rice
2) chao mein
3) toasties
4) sandwiches (hey it counts as a separate dish okay)
5) Spaghetti in tomato sauce
6) Pasta in cream sauce
7) porridge, the super thick non-watery kind
8) steamed egg
9) vegetables in oyster/mushroom sauce
10) steamed soya sauce chicken
11) all manner of baked fowl
12) all manner of baked fish
13) grilled red meats (all types catered for)
14) all other manner of simple chinese dishes, all the fried or simmered types
15) claypot rice... in a manner of speaking
16) soup kembang
17) bak kut teh
18) curry
19) chinese soups in general
20) bread (I know it's not a dish but damnit it tastes good)
21) cookies (okay going into deserts cause that's what I used to do at home)
22) cheese cake
23) tiramisu (it was only soggy because the fridge wasn't cold enough okay!)
24) chocolate cake
25) other cakes... many other cakes
26) I forgot instant noodles and pizza (from scratch okay!)
Okay I think that about exhausts my abilities. It's sad but I've more or less been living on these dishes in rotation since the academic year began.
-------------------
Okay I think I should stop. Before I drive myself insane with my inane drivel.
I'll cut it proper in London when I go down in March. Something short I think. I hate that my hair touches my neck. I hate hair in my face especially.
And it's funny, but I kept the hair long because it was convenient. It was easy to sweep it up and bun it. It had got to the length where I could knot it without anything in it. No clips, no hair ties. It stayed knotted by itself. It was good cause I could just tie my hair up and out of my way. Now, the shorter hair is less like me... it means spending time and money keeping it cut and out of my way. Something I normally wouldn't do. All for convenience's sake. Hah. It's just ironic when I think about it. In removing the thing that everyone felt was so beautiful (or whatever it is they thought), I'm using up more effort. It's like those celebrities that pay nutritionists to make them fat. And the best part is that I'm actually throwing away my money trying to maintain my hair in a not so luscious state. There's one for the psychology books. *rolls eyes at own stupidity*
------------------
When I was very little (not that I'm not little now, but a lot littler if you can imagine that), I had very little hair. I have photos of me being slightly bald and yes it was a problem. It wasn't like I was a baby. I could walk by myself and talk and everything already. Anyway, my mother used to scrape the comb hard over my scalp in an effort to stimulate the blood vessels or something. I hated having my hair combed. In any case, I used to pray that I would have lots of hair when I got older. That never really came true. I still have very thin hair. Just not so thin that it's abnormal. Tangents
--------------
Anyway, I had occasion to use friendster a while back. In any case, I think the testimonials one writes are more telling than the testimonials one receives. Which in my case, doesn't say a lot about me. I should learn to be more openly affectionate. (*Cries into beer* I love you man... I really do *thumps friend on back*)
But I maintain that friendster scares me. All these people you'll never escape, that you're connected too forever and ever. The morons, the fools, the bitches, the bastards, the assholes, the superficial backstabbers (especially these), the elitists, the narrow-minded.... you think you're rid of them and their horrible influence in your life? Never! NEVER! They're there, connected to you via 456 different paths, always just 2 links away forever and ever and ever.... (ever... ever... *fade away*)
I doubt they want to be connected to me either, I'm glad to say that I must have annoyed quite a few of them too. I don't ask for much from people. As long as you don't attack me or my friends behind me back, I'll pretend you don't exist. (And if you attack me or them to my face you're obviously asking for a confrontation so what are you whingeing on about?) Yes, I'm a terrible person that way.
-----------------
Just spreading the word. Janicers sent this to me and I'm now posting it up online, so go here now! (If I told you what it was about it wouldn't be much of a surprise now would it?)
"You are the styrofoam peanuts to the poorly-packaged cardboard box of my soul" Loved that one. It was sweet okay! -defensive glare- I guess not everyone likes "clever" things, but I'm one of those. Go see. And for those of you who can't read, it's okay, there's things for you too.
-----------------
My psychology practical mate said something to me the other day. She was talking about her mother. "It's really strange cause she's maybe 5 foot 1 and it must be something about small people..." It was in reference to small people's tenacity. It's our Napoleon/Hitler complex I tell you. AND THE SHORT SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH!! (if only the meek would stop getting in our way)
-----------------
I haven't done anything since last night. My books and papers are still sitting around in piles on my desk, threatening to fall over. Pens discarded all over the table, printer half covered by scribbled over rough paper. I look like I'm working, but I'm not. I'm sitting, typing out entry after entry of utter inane rubbish. But I like this typing. So I'll go on. You don't have to read if you don't want to. (In the same vein as "I didn't ask to be born" type whine)
------------------
The flatmates are out. I could run around naked if I wanted to. Not that I want to, but the idea that I could is nice. There are no locks on our doors which is sometimes annoying. I remember when I started locking my bedroom door at home. No one complains about it anymore. I needed my own personal space.
-------------------------
A quick poll of my friends has revealed that girls (I know) are much like guys (the stereotype). They'd like their boys unsullied (or relatively unsullied) when they come into the marriage bed. It's funny really. And no I'm not going to explain why. Although feudal China comes to mind. Yes I'm being deliberately cryptic. It's funny that no one's made a big deal out of this yet.
-----------------------
"... She thought she heard Robert's voice seeking her out through the noise and chatter of the tables. Not what it said, but the tone, a haunting, tender note in the lower cleft that her ear was attuned to and waited for."
- 'Acts of Mutiny' Derek Beaven
----------------------
I didn't love in a way that required possession of the other person, or in fact for my love to be returned at all. That love existed (exists???) for itself, for the other person's sake, not for mine. And that's where the problem lies isn't it? I can't feel betrayed, there's no betrayal. I can't feel hurt or angry... There is none of that. I'm... saddened I suppose, but that has got nothing to do with loving or having loved or any of that. That has its roots solely in my own hopes and wishes. This.. being upset has got nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. It doesn't relate to love lost, whatever that means because I lost nothing. Truth be told. So how do you stop loving someone with love like that? People fall out of love because their love is based on something that they are looking for. Romantic love is inherently selfish I think. But what do you do when it's romantic love but it has nothing to do with you? I don't know, but I'd sure like to stop now because I'm thinking about me and thinking that there are lots of other things I'd like to do with my life. But of course my heart has a stubborn mind all its own and it really doesn't care what's good for me. It loves who it loves. Fuck me.
-------------------
Where would I be without mince meat, tomato puree, pasta and fifteen minutes...
Probably starving or sleeping it off.
Dishes I make in no particular order of tastiness:
1) Fried rice
2) chao mein
3) toasties
4) sandwiches (hey it counts as a separate dish okay)
5) Spaghetti in tomato sauce
6) Pasta in cream sauce
7) porridge, the super thick non-watery kind
8) steamed egg
9) vegetables in oyster/mushroom sauce
10) steamed soya sauce chicken
11) all manner of baked fowl
12) all manner of baked fish
13) grilled red meats (all types catered for)
14) all other manner of simple chinese dishes, all the fried or simmered types
15) claypot rice... in a manner of speaking
16) soup kembang
17) bak kut teh
18) curry
19) chinese soups in general
20) bread (I know it's not a dish but damnit it tastes good)
21) cookies (okay going into deserts cause that's what I used to do at home)
22) cheese cake
23) tiramisu (it was only soggy because the fridge wasn't cold enough okay!)
24) chocolate cake
25) other cakes... many other cakes
26) I forgot instant noodles and pizza (from scratch okay!)
Okay I think that about exhausts my abilities. It's sad but I've more or less been living on these dishes in rotation since the academic year began.
-------------------
Okay I think I should stop. Before I drive myself insane with my inane drivel.