Fic: Truth or Dare, and the Shit That Follows 1/2
It started, Merlin would realize later, with Truth or Dare.
(He would try to ignore this, though, because it sounds ridiculous to say you fell in love with someone over Truth or Dare when you were eleven).
Merlin had always been the odd one out among his friends, always the youngest, gangliest, and most “dorky.” Leon, Arthur and Lancelot were a year older than him, and had been friends practically since they were in the womb. In the beginning, only being Lancelot’s next door neighbour and having an unhealthy, fanatic appreciation for crappy rock songs allowed Merlin to fit in.
In their group they were clearly defined by labels. Arthur was the student who got straight A’s because that what was what his father expected of him, Lancelot was the jock, Merlin was the dork, and Leon was...well...
Leon was the pervert.
Leon’s pervy ways were well known between the members of their quartet, which is why none of them were really surprised when he opened his mouth at a (very manly, thank you very much) sleepover and said the most terrifying (but also rather intriguing) thing any of them had ever heard.
I was thinking,” Leon announced, ignoring the raised eyebrows and Merlin’s mumbled ‘Well, that’s new.’ “Truth or Dare has become very boring.”
His announcement was not received with the chorus of agreements and/or applause he’d been expecting, but rather by a silence that somehow conveyed ‘No shit, Sherlock.’
"So I was thinking,” he continued when the others had simply stared at him for too long “we should do something to switch it up.”
The others exchanged wary glances, before Lancelot timidly asked “Like what?”
Leon’s eyes seemed to twinkle. “How about we play and see?”
(Even at such a young age Leon was aware that some people had to try something to want to do it).
Lancelot, Arthur, and Merlin all exchanged another nervous glance, but then shrugged and nodded.
“Alright...” said Leon, obviously pleased. “Merlin, truth or dare? Pick dare.”
“Um...dare?” Merlin said.
“Kiss Arthur,” Leon replied promptly.
Arthur went bright red and opened his mouth to protest as Merlin stuttered “W-w-what?”
“Kiss Arthur,” Leon said again.
“He can’t just... just kiss me, Leon!” said Arthur, outraged.
Leon shrugged. “Sure he can. No one but us will know, and it counts as your dare too. Come on. You can't refuse a dare.
Merlin glanced at Arthur nervously, biting his lower lip and twisting his hands in his lap. “If we...” he gulped “kiss, we get to make you do a dare, right?”
Leon nodded, eyes gleaming.
Arthur narrowed his eyes. “You are so dead,” he hissed at Leon. He turned to face Merlin directly. “I want you to know that I don’t want to do this,” he told Merlin seriously.
“Um...okay.” said Merlin. “Me neither...?”
Arthur cleared his throat and tried to ignore how Lancelot (who had been suspiciously quiet, the traitor) had shifted to the side so he could see Merlin and Arthur’s faces. “Right,” he said, and ignoring Merlin (who seemed to be trying to hold in nervous giggles) Arthur leant in and kissed him on the lips.
It’s...dry, Merlin thought, rather surprised. I thought it would be...like, wet. And all gross, and stuff...but it’s not.
Arthur pulled away from the kiss, eyes slightly wider than usual, and turned to Leon and said “That’s disgusting, Leon.”
Merlin quickly pulled his gaze away from Arthur’s lips and agreed vehemently.
Arthur considered Leon, narrowed his eyes, and hissed “Kiss Lance. With tongue.”
*** *** ***
They grew up eventually and realized that mates just did not kiss mates, no matter what they were dared to do.
That...didn’t stop them from doing it, though.
The dares continued through junior high, first dates, and first (proper, not-forced-to-happen) kisses.
They didn’t talk about it, no one ever said “Hey, remember that time Arthur had to lick a line from Merlin’s foot to his face, and then they had to make-out?” or “Haha, remember how we all got to second base with each other before anyone else?”
There would just always be a time at a sleep-over when one of them would lean back, glance nervously around to make sure they were alone, and then say something like “Merlin, kiss Arthur and write your name in his mouth.” (That was one of Leon’s ideas, because he had apparently heard from someone that you were supposed to write your name with your tongue in the mouth of the person you’re kissing. The others weren’t too sure of that).
Merlin would always remember the first time he became hard under someone else’s (Arthur’s) hands. It was the dead of night, and Merlin was lying on the floor as he’d been told.
“Take off your pyjamas,” Leon whispered, and Lancelot laughed nervously as Merlin obeyed, blushing madly.
“Kneel above him, Arthur.”
Arthur gaped, but complied, planting his knees on the floor on either side of Merlin’s hips, and his hands on the floor on either side of Merlin’s head.
“Now,” said Leon slowly, “Kiss Merlin, and touch his...you know, his penis”
Arthur turned his head away from Merlin to gape at Leon. “Leon!” he exclaimed. “I can’t-I can’t touch him there!”
“Are you refusing a dare?” Leon asked.
Arthur shut his mouth and looked at Merlin again. “For how long?” he asked through clenched teeth.
Leon considered for a moment. “Thirty seconds,” he decided.
Arthur nodded once, bent his head, kissed Merlin, and palmed his cock.
Oh GOD!, Merlin thought as his hips thrust up involuntarily and he felt all his blood rush to his cock.
He held his body tense as Leon counted down the seconds, mortified and wishing that Arthur would just pull away and make fun of him already, instead of prolonging the torture.
Except Arthur didn’t, and Merlin just lay there in agony beneath Arthur’s hand until Leon said “One!” and Arthur moved away quickly.
Merlin sat up, embarrassed, and stared at Arthur in apprehension, waiting for Arthur to ridicule him. But Arthur didn’t do that, either. He just stared at Merlin for a moment, blushing red, before turning to Leon and saying in a strangled voice “Your turn, same thing.”
Later, Merlin stared at himself in the mirror in the bathroom at Lance’s house, hair mussed and his lips red. He raised his hand to his lips wonderingly, amazed at how tingly and swollen his lips felt. He blushed again as he remembered why his lips were swollen and tender, and lowered his hand to his side. He looked away from his reflection, suddenly unable to look at himself while his memories of the night were replaying themselves before his eyelids.
The dares trickled to a stop after that night, becoming nothing more than an inside joke and hushed, embarrassed whispers of “Hey, remember when we used to...”
*** *** ***
Fast forward a few years, past Arthur’s first less-than-amazing grade, past Merlin skipping grade nine, past Lance getting award after award after award for athletics, past Leon having sex with a girl (and then another, and another, and another, etc.). Past Arthur’s mumbled “She never liked the whole ‘Write Your Name With Your Tongue’ thing” and Merlin trying to look sympathetic, past Leon’s first Oh-Shit-I-Might-Be-A-Dad scare, past their last year of high school, and...
Stop, at their first year of university.
Against all odds, they were all in the same city, at two universities (meaning Lance had been ditched across town, and the other three all went to the same school). Merlin to be a teacher, Arthur studying Kinetics, Leon in General Studies (“How am I supposed to choose what I want to study, if I don’t know what any of the programs entail?” he’d asked Merlin. Merlin had decided not to answer) and Lance in medicine. Lance was in Africa, on some exchange program he’d been really excited about but that the others hadn’t really understood, and Arthur, Merlin, and Leon were all in Leon’s dorm room, drunk.
“I just...” Arthur said. “I just sort of thought she was the one, you know?”
Merlin mumbled something sympathetic, not really paying attention, and Leon started to snore.
Arthur took another swig of his beer, and Merlin put his down, slouching in his chair and folding his hands in his lap. Arthur sighed. “I was so stupid.”
“No you weren’t,” Merlin soothed, well used to Arthur’s moods when drunk.
“Yes I was. I just... I just wanted it all to start, you know? I don’t like this...” Arthur waved his hand vaguely “waiting. I feel like I should be having a pro-productive life.”
“Mhmm,” Merlin agreed, suddenly captivated by how Arthur had bitten his lip.
“And I just thought... maybe it’ll all turn out, if I date her. Maybe everything will happen then.”
“We should make a bed on the floor,” Merlin mused absently.
Arthur continued to gaze sadly at his beer bottle, and Merlin stood up, walking unsteadily to stand in front of Arthur’s chair. “Hey,” he said softly, reaching out and tilting Arthur’s chin up. “It’s okay.” And then he moved forward and touched Arthur’s lips with his own.
He was always surprised by how natural it felt, kissing Arthur, while at the same time a jolt went through his stomach. It was familiar, this kissing, an offering of comfort, and Arthur took it without thinking.
Merlin pulled away when he could feel himself start to sway. “Blankets,” he said, and moved away to see what Leon had hidden under his bed.
*** *** ***
Merlin’s dreams are full of soft kisses and giggles, creeping hands and embarrassed whisperings. He dreams that he’s back, back at that time, and Arthur’s hand is moving toward his cock, but no, this is different, wrong. They are older, Arthur has stubble on his cheeks and his face is intent. And they’re...Leon and Lancelot are silent, unmoving, and it’s like it’s just Arthur and Merlin, like they’re the only ones in the world. Arthur leans over Merlin, his eyes warm. “I’ve been dared to kiss you,” he says in a gruff voice, and his kiss is different, new and passionate and hard and it leaves Merlin breathless.
Arthur pulls away, and his breath is hot on Merlin’s lips when he whispers “I’ve been dared to fuck you.”
Suddenly, they’re on a bed and Lancelot and Leon aren’t there and Arthur is gasping “Merlin. God, Merlin.” into Merlin’s neck and Merlin is thinking Yes, Arthur. Yes. Right there, right there. The room is bare, and Arthur is growling, and Merlin can’t focus, a swirl of white moving behind his eyelids as he arches backward, again, and again, and--
Merlin woke abruptly, gasping for breath and heart pounding as though he was terrified. Arthur was sprawled half-over him, his breath warm and wet on Merlin’s cheek, one leg thrown over Merlin’s hip. Groaning, Merlin tried to shift so that Arthur’s leg wasn’t resting on his hard cock. It didn’t work, and Merlin ended up gazing at the dark shadow of Arthur’s face. “Fuck,” he whispered, wishing that he could promise himself that he’d fall back asleep and Arthur would wake before him in the morning, removing himself from Merlin as though the cuddling wasn’t anything unordinary, and Merlin could continue ignoring everything.
But that wouldn’t be the case, Merlin knew. He lifted his free arm to shift a lock of blond hair that had fallen across Arthur’s eyes, and then let his hand travel down Arthur’s face and cup his cheek, smiling sadly as he remembered all the other times he had down so, always a prelude to a kiss.
Merlin had once heard a quote about dreams showing what people didn’t want to think about while they were awake. It was certainly true in this case, he thought ruefully. Much as he tried to ignore it, his confusion rose up when he was asleep, overwhelming his dreams and just leaving him more confused come morning.
Merlin wasn’t sure whether he was ready to try to unravel that confusion.
He didn’t know if he could.
*** *** *** ***
“Where are you going?” Arthur asked, two weeks after Merlin had woken up to find Arthur sprawled across him.
Merlin fidgeted. “Going?”
“I assumed, since you grabbed your jacket and wallet, that you were going somewhere.”
“Right.” Merlin cleared his throat. “I am. Going somewhere, that is. You’re welcome to stay here. Goodbye.” Merlin walked out the door quickly.
Arthur furrowed his brow in confusion, then shrugged and turned back to the T.V. screen.
*** *** *** ***
“Hello,” Merlin said nervously. “Is this-is this the...?”
“Gay and Lesbian Support Group?” a slight man with curly brown hair asked.
“Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual Support Group,” a girl said with a pointed glance at the first man. “You found us. I’m Guinevere. Gwen, normally.”
“Unh...Hi,” Merlin said, standing awkwardly over the group of people seated at a table in a cafe.
“Sit down,” said another man warmly, pushing a chair out for Merlin with his foot. “I’m Gawain.”
“I’m Percival,” the first man said as Merlin took the seat.
“Owain,” a man at the other end of the table said.
“And I,” the man to Owain’s right said “am Tristan, and we,” he said grandly, “are the Gay Knights of the Round Table.”
While everyone else at the table laughed and Merlin stared at Tristan with amusement mixed with embarrassment and horror, Gwen turned to Merlin and said “Don’t mind them. A few years ago they found out that all their namesakes had been Knights of the Round Table in one version or another of the legends, and they’ve been obsessed with the idea ever since.”
Merlin just nodded, rather overwhelmed, and Gwen introduced everyone else seated at the table.
“Hello,” Merlin said shyly when she was finished. “I’m Merlin.”
Tristan raised his head, a grin forming on his cheerful face. “No shit. Really?”
Merlin shrugged awkwardly. “My mom was writing a book based on the Arthurian legends while she was pregnant with me. She’s a little obsessed with them.”
Another person arrived, and as more introductions were made and conversations started, Merlin forced himself to relax.
*** *** *** ***
“Oh come on, you wanker!” Merlin heard Arthur growl from outside his door. Grinning, Merlin opened it and stepped inside just as Arthur moaned “Move, damn it, move.
“Talking to yourself again, Arthur?”
Arthur whirled around from where he stood in the middle of the room that functioned as a parlor, game and T.V. room, dining room, and guest bedroom when needed. “Merlin!” he exclaimed in surprise.
“Hello,” Merlin replied calmly. “You do remember that you have your own room, right?”
“Where were you?” Arthur asked, ignoring Merlin’s question.
Merlin sighed. Sometimes, he reflected fondly, Arthur was a bit like a dog with a particularly tasty bone.
“I just met up with some people.”
Arthur narrowed his eyes.
“We were talking about different teaching techniques,” Merlin said, trying not to look like he’d just pulled that out of his arse.
(The thing was, Merlin truly hated lying to Arthur. It made him feel like he’d betrayed Arthur somehow. And Arthur never had the decency to look like he believed Merlin when Merlin lied to him...which was probably because Merlin was so crap at it. But most people didn’t actually tell Merlin that. Arthur did.)
Arthur’s game began again, and he turned back to it after giving Merlin a glare that clearly said I will get to the bottom of your pathetically obvious lie. Merlin gave him a look of wide-eyed desperation that clearly conveyed Oh God. Please don’t. But Arthur didn’t see it, engrossed once more in ‘Left 4 Dead.’
Merlin took a second to allow himself to lean back against the wall and just watch Arthur, whose features were highlighted by the light of the setting sun, his blue eyes full of delighted glee as he killed the zombies on the screen, his hair very pale. The sun made it look like he had a halo of light around him, and Merlin wasn’t even bothered by the irony of that image.
Unbidden, as he watched Arthur fiddle with remote as if his life depended on it, came Merlin’s memories of the meeting he’d just left.
“So, what’s your story?” Gwen had asked, smiling warmly.
“I...think I’m...gay.” he’d said quietly after glancing around to make sure no one else was listening.
I think I’m gay. I think I’m gay. IthinkI’mgay. Gay.Gay.GAY. GAYGAYGAY.
“What?” Arthur asked, glancing up and catching Merlin staring at him.
Merlin shook his head to clear it. “Nothing,” he said quietly, turning away from Arthur and thinking It would probably be really inappropriate to kiss you right now. “You staying for dinner?”
*** *** ***
There hadn’t been a time when Merlin had decided to be less than completely honest to his friends. He’d just refrained from mentioning anything once, and then was easier to continue to do so. Except, now it was this constant thought whenever he was around them, a whisper in his mind of Should I tell them? and What would they say if I said something like “I’m gay”? and Oh God, they’d be so horrified.
Arthur knew something was wrong, in that way he had of picking up clues without putting them together to form the obvious conclusion, but he never mentioned it and his searching, confused stares only made Merlin more uncomfortable. He found himself avoiding Arthur and Leon, which was fairly difficult to do when they both seemed to like his room more than their own.
“Dude, what’s wrong?” Leon asked once.
“Wrong?” Merlin replied, wide-eyed. “Nothing’s wrong.”
Leon eyed him for a moment. “Merlin...did you get a chick pregnant?”
“What?” Merlin spluttered. “No, no. God, Leon. No. Just...no.”
Leon continued to eye him for a moment, before walking forward and slinging an arm casually around Merlin’s shoulders. “Merlin, mate, if you’re having girl problems, there is no one better to tell than me.”
“Anyone would be better than you, Leon,” Merlin forced himself to mutter, staring fixedly at his feet.
“I am extremely hurt by that statement,” Leon announced conversationally.
Merlin sighed. “It’s not girl problems, okay Leon? God, it’s so fucking far away from girl problems.” Merlin scrubbed his face with his arm, hiding the world from his eyes for a moment. “I’m fine,okay?”
Merlin shrugged Leon’s arm off his shoulder and walked away.
That night, Merlin pretended not to overhear Leon say “There’s something wrong with Merlin” to Arthur, and pretended not to see Arthur glance up at Leon with a raised eyebrow and say “No shit.”
*** *** ***
“How do you deal?” Merlin asked Gwen, at another meeting of the Gay and Lesbian Support Group.
Gwen glanced up and opened her mouth, but Tristan beat her to it. “With our sexuality?”
Merlin nodded, embarrassed.
Everyone at their tables had fallen silent. “It’s different for all of us, I think,” Gwen’s girlfriend Morgana said. “And some never do, but...” she trailed off and glanced up, as if asking for someone else to take over.
“But there’s something wonderful about being yourself,” Gwen finished. “Being true to yourself.”
Tristan leaned forward, glancing around the group before speaking directly to Merlin. “There’s a lot of shit in this world, right?”
Merlin nodded uncertainly.
“War, and global warming, and other stupid shit.” Tristan leaned back in his chair, arms folded across his chest. “And I figure, being gay’s not so bad when you compare it to the fact that the world is going to die.”
Merlin stared.
“That’s one way to look at it, yes...” a woman Merlin thought was named Freya said uncertainly.
Morgana rolled her eyes. “You have to accept it,” she said, “if you want to be truly happy. It’s just another part of yourself. Of course, you’ll meet people and face obstacles that make that harder, but then,” she shared a smile with Gwen, “you’ll meet that person who will make it all worthwhile.”
Inexplicably, Merlin’s thoughts flashed to images of sunlit hair and blue eyes, and he had to stop himself from saying “Shit.”
*** *** ***
Arthur greeted Merlin with “Hey. We’re going to a party tonight.”
“I’m not,” Merlin disagreed grumpily.
“Yes, yes you are,” Arthur said pleasantly.
“No, I’m not! I don’t want to go out and watch” Merlin waved his arms around in a vain attempt to convey his meaning, “girls. And boys. And alcohol. And conformity. And happiness.”
Arthur blinked.
“So, I’ll just be staying here, thank you very much.” Merlin finished.
Arthur blinked again. After a few seconds he cleared his throat awkwardly and said “You know you can tell me anything, right?”
“No, Arthur,” Merlin said sadly. “There are some things I really, really can’t tell you.”
Blinking rapidly he stumbled past Arthur to his room, closing the door behind him with a loud bang. Determinedly, he put on his headphones and ignored the fact that Arthur spent the evening attempting to cajole him into coming out of his room, instead of going to the party.
*** *** ***
Part Two
Part Two