Fic: Truth or Dare, and the Shit That Follows 2/2
“Merlin...” Arthur started, the next day.
“God!” Merlin exclaimed in surprise. “Fuck, Arthur! Give me some warning!”
“Sorry,” Arthur said, but his mouth twitched.
“Did you stay over?” Merlin asked, trying to calm his racing heart.
“Yeah. Look, Merlin...”
Arthur stopped, and Merlin raised his eyebrows.
Arthur shook his head and sighed. “Nothing. Do you have bacon?”
*** ** ***
“He won’t say anything!” Arthur said, frustrated.
“What if... what if he has like, some disease or something?” Leon asked. “And he won’t tell us because he’s ashamed, or he thinks we’ll be disgusted, or something?”
Arthur sighed and put his head in his hands. “I don’t think he slept the whole night. I could hear him pacing whenever I woke up.”
They were both silent for a few minutes. Suddenly, Leon sat straight and snapped his fingers. “Arthur! We should follow him!”
Arthur looked up slowly. “That... doesn’t sound as crazy as it should.”
“I mean, what if he never gets the guts to tell us, but could totally use our support?”
Arthur nodded. “It would be for his own good.”
Leon grinned. “Exactly.”
*** *** ***
“For the love of-” Merlin heard, before it was muffled. He shook his head and returned to perusing the shelf of books in front of him.
“Do we really need to?” another voice hissed. “It’s a bloody bookstore!”
“Wonderful deduction,” the first voice hissed back. There was something oddly familiar about those voices, Merlin thought.
“What exactly is he going to get up to in a...” the voice trailed away as Merlin turned around to look. “Oh! Hello, Merlin,” Leon said with a patently false surprise.
“Um...hi,” Merlin said hesitantly.
“We were... were just, unh.” Leon quickly jabbed Arthur with his elbow. Arthur coughed, and said “Looking for books.”
Merlin’s eyes flickered from side to side nervously, looking at the shelves of books surrounding them. “Ah... yes.”
They stood awkwardly, staring at each other, for a few seconds before Arthur said abruptly “Yes, well, they don’t have the book on... on Holland I was looking for, so Leon and I must be going. You going to come?”
"Um, no,” said Merlin, shifting nervously. “I have this... this meeting.”
“Ah,” said Arthur, and he and Leon exchanged a look. “What kind of meeting?”
“A... a meeting for... for, it’s about... well, it’s for...” Merlin looked into Arthur’s eyes and then miserably shook his head. “Teachers. We’ll be talking about like, finding a job, and dealing with, unh, kids.” He nodded emphatically. “Teacher stuff. That’s what the meeting’s for. Actually, I should be going.” Mechanically, Merlin turned and set down the book he had been looking at, before quickly hurrying away.
“Way to seem suspicious!” Arthur exploded as soon as he deemed Merlin out of earshot.
“Me?” Leon said. “What about him?”
Arthur deflated. “You’re right. Let’s go.”
*** *** ***
‘Here,” Freya said, handing Merlin a book entitled ‘The Survival Guide for Queer and Questioning Teens.’ “Some things it mentions aren’t applicable, of course, since you’re older, but it’s still informative and supportive.”
Gwen slid over a copy of a very pink book called ‘Same Sex in the City: So Your Prince Charming is Really a Cinderella’. Merlin held it up and raised his eyebrows. “It’s all I have. I just didn’t want to come empty handed.”
“Thanks, Gwen.” he said with a teasing smile. She flushed and opened her mouth to reply before her attention was caught by something behind Merlin, and she smiled kindly.
“Hello,” she said. “Did you want to join us?”
“What exactly is... ‘us’?” a familiar voice asked, and Merlin felt himself pale drastically.
Before he could open his mouth to say something harmless, Percival had already answered. “The Gay and Lesbian Support Group.”
Slowly, Merlin forced himself to turn around. Leon was looking at him, amused and inquiring, but Arthur was staring fixedly at the books in front of Merlin. Merlin opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. Every member of the Support Group had fallen silent, as though aware that something had just gone very, very wrong.
Slowly, Arthur lifted his eyes away from the books and stared at Merlin for a moment, gaze impenetrable, before he turned on his heel and stalked away.
In the silence that followed Arthur’s abrupt departure, Merlin tried to avoid everyone’s eyes, Leon gazed with interest at the people gathered around the tables, and the other members of the Support Group were either looking at Leon, looking at Merlin, or frowning at Percival.
“Hi,” Tristan finally said, standing up and holding his hand out for Leon to shake. “I’m Tristan, and yes, your speculative glances have uncovered the hidden truth, and I am, in fact, incredibly gay.”
Laughing shakily, Merlin buried his face in his hands on the table as his laughs became sobs.
*** *** ***
“So...” said Leon as he and Merlin left the cafe, after a few awkward minutes during which Leon had been introduced to every member of the group before he managed to excuse both himself and Merlin. “Definitely not girl problems, then?”
“Yeah,” Merlin replied. Then, though he did not know why he said it, “Sorry.”
Out of the corner of his eye he saw Leon shake his head. “You don’t have to apologize for that, Merlin.”
Merlin looked down. “You seem to be... taking this...calmly.”
Leon swung a companionable arm over his shoulders. “The way I see it is, you want to fuck who you want to fuck, and you love who you love.” He shrugged. “Plus, it’s not as though I wasn’t bi-curious when I was 12 and made us all have foreplay with each other.”
Merlin looked up hesitantly. “I thought it would make it harder for you to accept, the whole... Truth or Dare thing. Knowing you’ve kissed...someone like me.”
“It was a game, Merlin.” Leon shrugged. “I’m not going to wonder whether you got more pleasure out of it than I did.”
“Oh,” said Merlin. “Um... thanks.”
Leon removed his arm and bumped Merlin’s shoulder amiably.
“There have never really been any girls with you,” Leon said reflectively. “You’ve never been Merlin and someone. Not like Arthur and Sophia, or Arthur and Vivian.”
“Yeah,” Merlin said sadly.
A sudden thought seemed to strike Leon, and he turned to face Merlin. “Is there a Merlin and someone?”
Merlin bit his lip. “No.”
“I know a guy who’s, you know,” Leon waggled his eyebrows suggestively, “that way inclined. I could show you his facebook page...”
Merlin smiled. “Not right now. Thanks, though.”
They walked in silence for a few minutes.
“What were you doing there, in the cafe?”
“What? Oh. We... we were following you.”
“Following me?”
Leon shrugged uncomfortably. “We were worried about you.”
Merlin snorted bitterly. “Arthur doesn’t seem very worried.”
“He’ll come around, Merlin. It’ll be okay.”
Merlin tried to look as though he believed that.
*** *** ***
It wasn’t okay.
Arthur wouldn’t answer Merlin’s calls, and refused to answer when Merlin knocked on his door.
“Have you talked to Arthur?” Merlin asked Leon, who fidgeted awkwardly.
“A bit.”
“Did he mention me?”
Leon sighed. “He just... has a lot of questions.”
“Ones that he can’t ask me?”
“I don’t know what he’s thinking, Merlin.”
“I do,” Merlin muttered, heading toward his door. “That I’m disgusting. That he hates me.”
Merlin could almost ignore the pain in his chest at the thought.
*** *** ***
“Arthur?” Merlin sighed and sat on the floor, back against Arthur’s apartment door. “Come on, Arthur. It’s been two weeks.”
There was no answer. Merlin let his head thud back against the door.
“I... I can’t help it, Arthur. I tried. For so bloody long. But I don’t like feeling restrained, or like I’m not being true to myself. I just... I just want to be happy”
Merlin paused and focused on his hands, twisting them nervously in his lap.
“I don’t like feeling like I should apologise for it.”
Merlin sighed again.
The door behind him opened. Merlin flailed, trying to recover his balance after losing his support, but he failed and his head the hard wood floor with a loud thud.
Arthur’s blue eyes regarded him from what seemed to be a long way up.
“I think we need to talk,” he said.
*** *** ***
“So...”
Arthur didn’t look at him, but continued to look out a window, his back to Merlin who sat on Arthur’s very white sofa.
“Why did you avoid me for so long?” Merlin asked, figuring it was as good a place to start as any, and wishing that the twisted, queasy feeling in his stomach would go away.
Arthur folded his arms. “Just a lot of shit.”
Merlin found he was unable to fill the silence following Arthur’s mumbled reply.
With a sigh, Arthur turned around and looked at Merlin who found himself unable to meet his eyes.
“I thought you had a disease, and then we walk into that cafe, and you’re holding a book on how to be a good lesbian and just all of a sudden it was ‘Oh my God, Merlin’s a...’” Arthur hesitated “a...gay person.”
Merlin studied the floor. “The book isn’t mine.”
“I guessed that, yeah.”
“Is... is there anything I can do to help you, I don’t know, understand? Accept it? Is there any chance of that happening?”
Arthur looked down too. “Whenever I think about you, all I can think is ‘Merlin’s gay, and I’ve kissed him.’”
“So has Leon!” Merlin protested, finally raising his eyes. “And he’s fine!”
Arthur met his gaze. “We’ve kissed lately.” His voice started to rise in volume. “We’ve kissed without being dared to do it! Merlin, I made you hard.”
Merlin dropped his eyes again, blushing furiously. “It was just the contact,” he said, trying to convince them both. “It wasn’t you”
Arthur shook his head wearily. “I just can’t think about it, Merlin.”
"What is there to think about?” Merlin asked desperately.
“That you’re a fag!” Arthur spat back. “That I’ve kissed a bloody poof!”
Merlin reeled back as though he’d been slapped.
“Get out, fairy.” Arthur hissed.
Merlin felt cold all over, except for a ball of angry hurt in his chest that he tried to suppress. “Go fuck yourself,” he replied coldly, and left before Arthur said another word.
*** *** ***
Leon looked up when Merlin opened the door. “Arthur still wouldn’t talk?” he hazarded.
“Oh no, we talked,” Merlin said bitterly. “And he immediately reminded me why I usually prefer he be silent.”
“Ah,” said Leon. “Beer?” he held out a can, but Merlin shook his head in mute refusal.
“I’m just going to go to bed. Lock the door behind you when you leave.”
Shoulders slumped, Merlin walked past Leon and into his bedroom.
*** *** ***
Merlin started taking walks. There was a pretty, obviously man-made creek on the campus that he often walked to. Merlin liked to sit on the bank and stare into the shallow water.
Absently, he picked a wildflower and started tearing off its petals. (He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me).
The flower was yellow, darker than Arthur’s hair and far less shiny. Merlin sneered at his thoughts but did not put the flower down.
It wasn’t supposed to hurt this much, Arthur’s betrayal.
(Merlin wasn’t supposed to care this much).
It was hard to keep his thoughts away from Arthur. Merlin had thought having homoerotic dreams about Arthur was bad, but they were nothing compared to when he started daydreaming about living with Arthur. Just living with him, fixing his coffee, sharing the newspaper, holding his hand.
Merlin wasn’t supposed to want to hold Arthur’s hand.
He dropped the first flower and picked another. (He loves me...)
They hadn’t spoken since their argument at Arthur’s apartment. Merlin only saw Arthur on campus, brief sightings before classes started. His absence hurt, a dull, pounding ache in Merlin’s chest, stronger than he had ever imagined possible and which he tried to ignore.
“You’ve never been Merlin and someone.” Leon had said, but he had been wrong. It had always been “Merlin and Arthur”. Even Merlin’s mum had known that, had always called for Merlin and Arthur when they were young, had always assumed that were one was, the other probably was too. Now they were two separate entities, two people with two suddenly different lives. It was unsettling, and Merlin didn’t like it at all.
(He loves me not).
*** *** ***
“Merlin!” Leon exclaimed when he opened the door. “You look like shit! Are you alright?”
“Fantastic,” Merlin said dryly. Leon opened his mouth to reply, obviously concerned, but Merlin’s attention was caught by Arthur, standing behind Leon and studiously avoiding Merlin’s eyes.
Arthur shifted uncomfortably, staring fixedly at the dirty carpet. Leon grimaced. “Right. Um... well, Arthur here, he was just here to pick up his you know.”
“Right,” said Merlin tiredly. “Well, good luck finding his ‘you know’.” He leaned closer to Leon, as if he was going to tell a huge secret. “But if by ‘you know’ you mean ‘He was just here to pick up his brain’ I’m pretty sure he lost it at birth.”
Arthur looked up angrily, but flushed when he met Merlin’s eyes and hastily lowered his gaze once more.
Leon frowned reproachfully at him, but Merlin just raised an eyebrow in response. Without another word, he stomped past them both and slammed the door to his room shut behind him.
Leon sighed heavily once he was gone. “You’re still coming to my party, right?” he asked Arthur. “This... thing... between you two isn’t going to make you hole yourself away in your apartment?”
“Hmmm?” Arthur said absently, turning his eyes away from Merlin’s door. “What? Oh, no, I’ll be there.”
“Good,” said Leon. “So, you have your game?”
*** *** ***
Merlin didn’t usually hate parties. This one was awkward, though. Arthur was standing against the wall opposite Merlin, as far away from him as possible without leaving the room, but gazing at him thoughtfully.
Merlin recognized most of the people in the room. They were people he talked to on a fairly regular basis, people he felt he knew.
They didn’t know a fucking thing about him.
But no, Merlin conceded with a sigh, that wasn’t true. It wasn’t fair for Merlin to resent them for not knowing about his sexuality the moment he started questioning it.
Arthur was still staring at him absently, and Merlin fidgeted under his gaze while he tried to find Leon, who was by the drinks table in a corner, surrounded by adoring girls. Merlin rolled his eyes and slumped back against the wall, deciding against going over to join him.
“It’s a wonder he doesn’t have any STI’s, the way he acts,” a strained voice said from Merlin’s right. “Shall we bet on how many of them he’s going to have sex with tonight?”
Merlin turned his body away from the sight of Leon charming the crowd and faced Arthur. “He takes good care of himself, even during his philandering,” he replied, wondering whether he should feel more insulted for Leon.
Arthur snorted. “Philandering?” he repeated, “You sound like an old, proper lady.”
Merlin’s face hardened instantly. “Fuck off.”
Arthur’s eyes widened. “No! Merlin, damn it. I-” Arthur scrubbed at his face with a hand wearily.
“What?” Merlin demanded.
Arthur looked lost, and said “Nothing,” in a defeated tone.
“Great,” Merlin snapped.
“You know what?” Arthur asked, suddenly angry. “Never mind. Forget I ever came over here.”
“Fine!” Merlin spat angrily.
“Fine!” Arthur retorted redundantly, and stormed away.
*** *** ***
Sometimes, Merlin wondered whether everyone had lied, and his life was never actually going to change, and would always be comprised of the same things.
Distantly, Merlin realized that someone was knocking at his door. He ignored it in favour of continuing to stare morosely at the wall, trying to remember whether he had any alcohol stashed somewhere and studiously avoiding thinking about Leon’s party.
The knocking abated for a minute, and then returned, somehow seeming louder and more insistent. Merlin came to the conclusion that he and Leon had drunk all of his secret stash of booze, and focused on the knocking.
“Go away,” he whinged.
The knocking continued. (Merlin hated his life).
“Fuck off,” he muttered under his breath, but got up and went to open the door anyway.
“Merlin,” Arthur started when the door opened, and for a brief moment, Merlin considered not shutting the door in his face. However, there was only so much he could take, and so the door slammed satisfyingly in Arthur’s face.
The knocking resumed.
Merlin didn’t bother to keep his second “Fuck off” quiet.
“Let me in, Merlin!” Arthur sounded like he was forcing himself not to turn and run away down the hall.
Merlin didn’t answer, but continued standing by the door.
“Merlin, please,” Arthur said, and it was his pleading that made Merlin open the door again with an irritated sigh.
“What?” he asked wearily, leaning on the doorjamb.
“Can I come in?”
Merlin shrugged and moved toward the living room as Arthur shut the door behind them.
Merlin resumed his seat on the sofa, and watched Arthur pace in front of him. After covering all the ground available in the small room he sighed, folded his arms, took a deep breath, and turned to face Merlin.
“Whenever I think about you,” he said, “all I can think is, Merlin is gay, and I didn’t not not mind kissing him.”
“What?” Merlin asked blankly.
Arthur sighed heavily. “I didn’t mind kissing you.”
“Oh...” said Merlin. “ Oh.”
“Yeah,” said Arthur, and collapsed onto the floor as though he no longer had the strength to stand upright.
Merlin felt disconnected, as though nothing was properly permeating into his mind.
“Oh,” he said again.
Arthur looked up from his position on the floor. “Yeah,” he agreed. “Oh.”
Hesitantly, Merlin walked toward Arthur and sat at his knees, facing him.
“I’m an ass,” Arthur said to Merlin’s hands, which began twisting restlessly in his lap.
Merlin didn’t disagree.
“I owe you an apology,” Arthur continued. “I have no excuse for my actions... my words. I was just scared, I guess.” He looked up, his eyes pleading with Merlin to understand. “I could ignore it, the...well, the,” Arthur gulped, “sexuality thing, when I thought there was absolutely no way you would be interested in me. I didn’t even really think about it. I just... just...”
“Repressed it,” Merlin offered.
“Yeah,” said Arthur wearily. “But then, when I realized you were gay... I freaked. And I was horrible and I hurt you, and I apologise.”
Merlin let the first true apology he’d ever received from Arthur sink in for a few moments, and then looked into his eyes. “What are you trying to tell me?” he whispered.
Arthur stared back. “That I would like to try to... un-repress it... to try to face being who I am.” Arthur took another deep breath, but didn’t look away. “Because I’d rather face something I’ve tried to run away from my entire life, than lose you. I’m so sorry, Merlin.”
Merlin felt like he was vibrating, every nerve in his body alight with something warm and hopeful, but when he lifted a hand to check, it only shook a little.
“What are you saying?” Merlin asked softly.
Arthur’s eyes were a rather endless sort of blue, Merlin realized.
“That I dare you to kiss me.”
Arthur’s mouth quirked up slightly at one side, and Merlin matched his smile with a wide one of his own as he leant forward and pressed his lips against Arthur’s, bringing a hand up to grip Arthur’s head and keep him there.
*** *** ***
Epilogue- Five months later
“You OUTED us?” Arthur yelled, gesticulating wildly with his hands as if he was attempting to show just how unbelievable he thought that action was.
Leon rolled his eyes. “It’s Lancelot.”
“Exactly.” Arthur said, running a hand through his hair.
“Hey,” Merlin said softly, hugging Arthur from behind. “Now we don’t have to do it.”
Arthur relaxed slightly. “He did it without telling us, though.”
Leon laughed. “Yeah, so that you wouldn’t be able to agonise over it. I’m really evil.”
“What did you say to him?” Merlin asked.
“I emailed him yesterday.” Leon’s grin grew wider. “I wrote: ‘Dude, it’s Arthur and Merlin now.”
Merlin narrowed his eyes. “That’s what you wrote? You couldn’t even have said “Merlin and Arthur”?”
Arthur tensed and disentangled himself from Merlin’s arms. “I think I see him.”
Merlin glanced around the airport wildly, before catching sight of Lancelot walking toward them, tanned and smiling widely.
“Hi guys!” he yelled, still at least thirty feet away.
They walked forward to meet him, and Lance gave Leon a brief hug before he turned to face the other two.
“Hello Arthur and Merlin.”
Merlin blushed while Arthur gaped.
“You actually wrote that?” he asked Leon incredulously.
Leon grinned unrepentantly.
*** *** ***
“Hi,” Merlin said, sliding into his usual seat at the tables the Gay and Lesbian Support Group gathered around and pushing Arthur into a chair beside him. “Everyone, this is my boyfriend Arthur.”
Morgana narrowed her eyes. She, at least, appeared to recognize Arthur as the man who had stormed out of the cafe after finding out that Merlin was gay.
“You’re gay?” she asked dubiously.
Arthur met her eyes and shrugged. “I’m in love with Merlin.”
Tristan was the first one to break the “awww” filled silence brought on by Arthur’s pronouncement.
“So...” he said. “Arthur like King Arthur?”
fin
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