LJ presents: The Business of Regicide
There are many things my child does well. To that long list, add: "think like Lex Luthor".
I've often remarked how well she handles the Avengers in her stories, and the deep affinity she has for Marvel's stable of flawed-but-lovable heroes. When it comes to the villainous side of the coin, however, her imagination resides firmly in Gotham and Metropolis. So it was that, the other day, LJ decided it was time for the bad guys to have a new leader. "I really like the idea of the Avengers having to go up against Lex Luthor and the DC villains for a while," she said. There's all sorts of cool stories I could do with that set-up. And I know just how to kick things off!"
She wasn't kidding. Is she ever?
----------
LJ presents:
THE BUSINESS OF REGICIDE
Written and directed by LJ
Novelisation by SF
He watched them with cold, contemptuous eyes. They’re fatuous fools, Lex Luthor thought to himself, ignorant, addled-minded idiots incapable of the most rudimentary thought!
To his left, MODOK and the Marvel villains were embroiled in an argument. Doctor Doom’s birthday was approaching and, in light of the despot’s recent failures, his henchmen wanted to select a gift that would raise their leader’s spirits. The very thought of such an endeavour sickened Luthor. Imagine: rewarding a failure like Victor von Doom, he scowled inwardly. Villianville has never prospered under his reign, and any successes we’ve enjoyed have been too short to even be considered fleeting! It’s long past time things changed and, finally, I can effect that change.
Fixing a congenial look upon his face, Luthor strolled into the argument and offered his assistance. He was, of course, rudely rebuffed: DC villains were considered “second-class citizens” by Doom’s elite. Yet Luthor had not become a former multimillionaire businessman and one-time United States president without mastering guile and subterfuge. “If I were making a present for Doom,” he said casually as he turned to walk away, “I would create some sort of machine that celebrated his every accomplishment and hailed his genius… a ‘birthday monument’, if you will.”
“Aha!” MODOK exclaimed. “I have the perfect birthday present idea! Let’s build Doom a machine that celebrates his every accomplishment and hails his genius as a leader and villain! Hey, we could make a real birthday monument for him - he’ll love it!”
The Marvel villains fell over one another, congratulating themselves, as Luthor rejoined his DC cronies. Riddler looked upon the scene with utter distaste. “You disgust me, Lex,” he sneered. “Are you so cowed that you’ll let those buffoons steal your ideas without the slightest argument?”
“For a genius,” Luthor replied nastily, “you’re clearly incapable of seeing the bigger picture. I wanted them to take the idea, you idiot. It’s all part of the broader plan. And the next step is you, me, Poison Ivy and the others all volunteering to serve as manual labour.”
The DC villains groaned, but knew better than to defy Luthor - they owed him their freedom, after all. And so Luthor, Riddler, Poison Ivy, Scarecrow, Two-Face, Clock King, Gorilla Grodd, Sportsmaster, Black Manta, Mr Freeze, Bane and Clayface grudgingly offered to do the “grunt work” for the birthday machine. As expected, the Marvel villains were only too happy to let their rivals shoulder the burden, intending to claim all the credit when Doom saw the finished product. Luthor was delighted - their egocentric nonsense would keep Doom off the scent long enough for the DC villains to bring about his well-deserved downfall.
Appointing himself foreman of the “work crew”, Luthor divided his allies into two teams. Riddler, Poison Ivy, Two-Face, Clock King, Mr Freeze and Clayface would remain on-site and continue work on the birthday monument. That, naturally, meant they’d hide death-traps, machine guns, freeze rays, super-strong creeper vines, mudslides (Clayface’s contribution) and other nasty surprises within the celebratory device. Meanwhile Bane, Scarecrow, Sportsmaster, Black Manta and Grodd would accompany Luthor to the sole LexCorp warehouse that had escaped the government’s asset seizure and collect “party favours”.
As the group made its way toward the warehouse, Grodd grew suspicious. Of all the DC villains, he had the least reason to trust Luthor. “What are you planning here, Lex?” he asked coolly. “If defeating Doom was as simple as combining our powers, he’d be dust already. You know he’s more than strong enough to withstand our assault. And surely it’s not escaped your notice that Villainville enjoys sovereignty rights - and therefore can’t be raided by SHIELD - solely because of Doom’s nobility. Say we succeed and Doom is deposed: if Villainville’s no longer a Latverian territory, how do we stay out of Arkham Asylum?”
“My dear Grodd,” Luthor chuckled. “Your attempts to simulate a human-level intellect are… let’s call them ‘endearing’ and be charitable… but wholly unnecessary at this juncture. Sit back, relax, maybe peel a banana or three and let the real genius do all the thinking.”
Grodd fumed but fell silent.
The last Lexcorp warehouse was empty… and, additionally, was not a warehouse. It was an international super-sonic air transport in disguise - Luthor’s “ace in the hole” escape vehicle. Once the villains were aboard he sat down at the controls and set course for Africa. Grodd glanced at the destination screen and broke out in a cold sweat. Scarecrow, Sportsmaster and Black Manta clung to one another, utterly terrified.
“We’re going to Wakanda,” Scarcrow wailed.
“We’re going to die,” Sportsmaster howled.
“And then we’ll be killed some more,” Black Manta sobbed.
Bane laughed at their cowardice, but his colleagues would not be discouraged from their fright. “You don’t understand,” Scarecrow jabbered. “Imagine if Batman ruled an entire country of fierce, bloodthirsty warriors - each of whom had been trained to his level! Now, imagine that Batman was even more dangerous than he already is, and a king, and had access to technology and resources so advanced that they border on science-fiction! That’s where we’re going, Bane, and the Black Panther is going to kick all of our butts!”
No sooner had Luthor landed the transport in the jungle outside Wakanda’s capital than Bane leaped from his seat, threw open the cargo doors and tore off. “I will show you all,” he bellowed as he ran. “I will break this Panther fool, just as I once did the Bat, and become king of this nation!”
As the other villains panicked, Grodd carefully studied Luthor’s calm demeanour. “You wanted this to happen,” he said admiringly. “Bane is a distraction, a decoy, for whatever it is we’re really here to do.”
“Clever monkey,” Luthor crooned. “We’re going into the vibranium mine.” He took a moment to enjoy Grodd’s visible discomfort, given the ape’s past experience with the unique metal. “Today is an auspicious day in Wakanda: the locals exhume a time capsule, buried amongst the vibranium during the reign of the previous king, so that the current king may add his own trophies to it. The items of power within that capsule will boost the effectiveness of the tricks, traps and snares set by our colleagues, thus ensuring Doom’s downfall.”
Grodd nodded approvingly. “You may be a hairless halfwit,” he said sardonically, “but you have your moments, Lex.”
Wakanda was not without her defenders. When Bane strode confidently into the Arena of Kings, bellowing about regicide, a group of heroes rose to oppose him. Ant-Man, the Wasp, B’wana Beast and the Vision had taken up residence in the African nation years earlier, protecting it as their friends did Super Hero City. Unfortunately none of them had faced Bane before and so were completely unprepared for his lethality (“Reading files,” the Vision noted bitterly, “would appear to be no substitute for harsh experience”). The steroid-powered monster was in the midst of dispatching the heroes when the vibranium mine’s alarm sounded… and a commanding voice echoed over the arena.
“Whenever there is trouble in Wakanda,” the Black Panther said as he stepped onto the battlefield, “it is always about vibranium. My friends, your powers are needed at the mines.” He looked Bane up and down. “Leave this one to me.”
Wasp and the others made their way to the mines but, once again, Luthor was one step ahead of them. Unbeknownst to all he had supplied some of the technology used to create the Vision; with the flick of a switch on his gauntlet, the synthezoid was his to control. The Vision had grown stronger over the intervening years and would eventually break free of Luthor’s thrall, but the few minutes in which he was forced to attack his friends were all the villains needed to grab their prize from the mines and escape. They flew away from Wakanda - passing over the arena, where a battered, unconscious Bane lay face-down in the dirt - and toward Villainville, cackling about their triumph.
In the arena, the dejected heroes reported their failure to the Black Panther. The king was not, of course, angry with his friends - he knew they had done their best - but he was furious at having lost his country’s precious artefacts. For the first time in a decade, T’Challa activated his Avengers ID card…
The Marvel villains were apoplectic by the time Luthor and his team arrived. MODOK wanted nothing more than to bring Doom outside to see “his” creation, and so paid little attention as Luthor placed the Wakandan artefacts of power inside the monument. He finished his work just in time: MODOK led a blindfolded, grumbling Doom out of the castle as the villains moved into parade formation (DC villains at the very back, of course). With a blare of trumpets (provided by Abomination… don’t ask) and a cannon salute (thanks to Titanium Man), Doom was presented with his birthday present. His grandiose ego tickled, the tin-faced tyrant was incredibly pleased with the gesture. His favourite touch was Kang’s contribution: a monument-mounted particle beam turret complete with its own firing range and holographic targets.
The DC villains held their breath as Doom took his place at the turret. They tensed as his metal-plated rear end moved closer and closer to the finely-upholstered seat cushion. And then… when steel-covered heinie touched carefully-hidden trap-springing trigger… they ducked
It was as if someone had set off fireworks within the monument. Doom howled as he was thrown from side-to-side by explosions, raked by machine gun fire, whipped by vines, frozen, electrified, beset by pranks, coated in mud and battered by perfectly-timed pistons. His armour was supposed to be impervious to such attacks, and the despot panicked at his sudden, unexpected vulnerability. Outside, Luthor - generous to a fault - ceded the final blow to Grodd. Donning his mind-control helmet, the ape exerted his will over the particle beam turret and turned it on Doom. Enhanced, like everything else within the monument, by the Wakandan artefacts, it pummelled Doom with hideous force and shredded his embattled armour. One final explosion tore the roof off the monument and threw Doom hundreds of feet in the air. He sailed away from Villainville in a parabolic arc, over the wall with Super Hero City and crash-landed on the wrong side of the tracks…
… where Nick Fury, Maria Hill, Phil Coulson and the Agents of SHIELD were waiting. Melinda May stepped forward, cuffs in hand, and snapped them around the dizzy dictator’s trembling wrists. “Victor von Doom,” Fury said, “by the power vested in me as Director of SHIELD, I hereby arrest you for international crimes including, but not limited to, attempted conquering of the world. And, seeing as you’ve so kindly stepped out of your embassy and onto my soil, your diplomatic immunity is null and void and you’re my prisoner.” He grinned. “Damn, today’s a good day!”
Seconds later Iron Man, Thor, Captain America and Batman arrived on the scene, having received a message from the Black Panther. “This is our chance,” Fury said upon learning of events in Wakanda. “If Doom’s here, and he’s our prisoner, then Latveria’s claim on Villainville can’t be sustained. We can finally take back that land! Quick, everyone - onto the Helicarrier!”
No sooner had the mighty airship cleared the giant wall, however, when those aboard were greeted by an impossible sight. Doom’s flat-packed castle shifted, shimmered and changed before their very eyes. Ancient stone and fortified columns became tinted, bullet-proof glass and mutli-storey towers; the moat drained and was replaced by a revolving foundation that turned with the light of the sun. The central tower of the ultra-modern… no, futuristic… facility finished in an “L” shape with a domed private laboratory. At the foot of the imposing edifice stood Lex Luthor, resplendent in a grey tailored suit. He favoured the heroes and agents with a smug smile.
“Luthor,” Fury began dangerously.
“Please,” Luthor replied, waving his hand, “let’s not sully this auspicious moment with meaningless aggression. By all means, Colonel Fury, land your Helicarrier! Batman, Iron Man, all of you, feel free to step onto land that has avoided your foot-fall for so very long! You’re all welcome to the new LexCorp: a state-of-the-art business campus designed solely to benefit humanity’s future!”
“This is a new low,” Iron Man sneered, “even for you, Lex.”
“He speaks true,” Thor rumbled. “Thou art wanted for many a crime, as are thine compatriots!” He gestured with Mjolnir. The DC villains stood behind their defacto leader, trying to look confident despite their confusion. The Marvel villains, meanwhile, had yet to notice anything - they were too busy scuffling and fighting each other, scapegoating one another for Doom’s downfall.
“Really?” Luthor cocked an eyebrow, unconcerned. “I think you’ll find the statute of limitations on my… past transgressions… ran out a long time ago. Any other allegations you care to lay can be taken up with my legal department. As for my employees…”
“Employees?” Captain America balked.
“That’s right,” Luthor nodded. “Employees. LexCorp is an official provider of rehabilitative services. We’re the premier ‘work for release’ program in Super Hero City. Each of these unfairly-maligned individuals is paying their debt to society by working for me. Clock King is my head of efficiency, Mr Freeze my top cryonics researcher. Poison Ivy is our chief environmental officer, Two-Face my senior legal counsel. Black Manta is in charge of overseas shipping, Riddler runs our IT section, Sportsmaster is responsible for the employee gym and Scarecrow is our in-house psychologist. Clayface is my personal bodyguard and Grodd,” he smiled again. “Grodd is LexCorp’s vice president in charge of mergers and acquisitions.”
“Kidnapping and theft, you mean,” Batman growled.
“Each and every one of them has taken an oath of office, swearing to uphold LexCorp’s mission statement of improving the future for all of humanity.” Luthor yawned, suddenly bored with the conversation. “You’ll find all the appropriate paperwork has been filed with City Hall, gentlemen, as has LexCorp’s deed for this land. That’s right - I liked the place so much I bought it, by electronic transfer, the moment Doom was arrested.” He glanced idly at his buffed nails. “Are we done here, gentlemen?”
“Not quite,” said a voice from on high.
The villains gasped as Superman floated down from the clouds and landed right in front of Luthor. The long-time enemies eyed one another warily. “ Brainiac technology,” Superman said, gesturing toward the altered castle with a nod of his head. “The same plundered alien system that controls your battle suit. Clever.”
Luthor said nothing.
“Do you honestly think we’ll let you get away with this?” Superman asked. “Even for a second?”
Luthor looked down at Superman’s feet, then back up and met his stare evenly. “I invited SHIELD, Batman and the Avengers onto my property,” he said coolly.
There was a tense pause. Superman nodded. “All right, Lex, I get the message,” he said. “But I’ll be watching you. Very closely.” He lifted up off the ground, hovered in front of Luthor for a moment, then flew back up into the air. Luthor watched him leave, sparing the briefest of glances as SHIELD and the other heroes departed as well. He turned to his employees.
“Round up that rabble,” he said, distastefully indicating the Marvel villains, “and lock them in the dungeon beneath sub-basement 37A. I’ll find jobs appropriate to their… new station in life… later. Right now I need to take a meeting.”
Half an hour later, a dazed and disoriented Victor von Doom awoke in his new home - one of Arkham Asylum’s maximum security cells. Luthor was outside the cell doors, gloating. “Enjoy it while you can, Lex,” Doom sneered. “Your rule will be brief, like Enchantress before you, and eventually Doom will reign supreme once more!”
“That’s your problem, Victor,” Lex tutted. “Your thinking is archaic. Rule, reign, conquest… super villainy is a business, and it’s high time Superman, Batman and the Avengers were reminded of that fact. I merely thought it appropriate you be reminded first.”
He turned on his heel and left, ignoring Doom’s muttered curses. One thing he could not ignore, however, was the high-pitched cackling from the next cell down.
“Once upon a time, two best buddies took over an entire country,” the Joker chuckled in his best story-telling voice. “They made a wonderful team and everybody was happy… well, everybody on their side, anyway. Sadly some wrong-thinking goodie two-shoes had to ruin everything, and then the friends had a teensy-weensy falling out.” Joker pressed his face up against the bars of his cell. “Whaddya say, Lexie? Want to help me write a happy ending for this tale?”
Luthor paused and stroked his chin. “Well,” he said, “I do need a human resources manager.”
Joker shrieked with delight. “That’s what I love about you, Lexie - you’re such a visionary! Only you possess the necessary business acumen to realise a bloodthirsty homicidal maniac is the perfect person to control careers, manage staff numbers, conduct mind-numbingly dull training seminars and otherwise dominate the lives of everyone in your employ!”
“I’ll speak to the warden and have you released,” Luthor smiled. “And then…”
“And then,” Joked nodded eagerly, “the fun begins all over again!”
-----THE END… FOR NOW!-----
Greet the Fire as Your Friend,
SF
I've often remarked how well she handles the Avengers in her stories, and the deep affinity she has for Marvel's stable of flawed-but-lovable heroes. When it comes to the villainous side of the coin, however, her imagination resides firmly in Gotham and Metropolis. So it was that, the other day, LJ decided it was time for the bad guys to have a new leader. "I really like the idea of the Avengers having to go up against Lex Luthor and the DC villains for a while," she said. There's all sorts of cool stories I could do with that set-up. And I know just how to kick things off!"
She wasn't kidding. Is she ever?
----------
LJ presents:
THE BUSINESS OF REGICIDE
Written and directed by LJ
Novelisation by SF
He watched them with cold, contemptuous eyes. They’re fatuous fools, Lex Luthor thought to himself, ignorant, addled-minded idiots incapable of the most rudimentary thought!
To his left, MODOK and the Marvel villains were embroiled in an argument. Doctor Doom’s birthday was approaching and, in light of the despot’s recent failures, his henchmen wanted to select a gift that would raise their leader’s spirits. The very thought of such an endeavour sickened Luthor. Imagine: rewarding a failure like Victor von Doom, he scowled inwardly. Villianville has never prospered under his reign, and any successes we’ve enjoyed have been too short to even be considered fleeting! It’s long past time things changed and, finally, I can effect that change.
Fixing a congenial look upon his face, Luthor strolled into the argument and offered his assistance. He was, of course, rudely rebuffed: DC villains were considered “second-class citizens” by Doom’s elite. Yet Luthor had not become a former multimillionaire businessman and one-time United States president without mastering guile and subterfuge. “If I were making a present for Doom,” he said casually as he turned to walk away, “I would create some sort of machine that celebrated his every accomplishment and hailed his genius… a ‘birthday monument’, if you will.”
“Aha!” MODOK exclaimed. “I have the perfect birthday present idea! Let’s build Doom a machine that celebrates his every accomplishment and hails his genius as a leader and villain! Hey, we could make a real birthday monument for him - he’ll love it!”
The Marvel villains fell over one another, congratulating themselves, as Luthor rejoined his DC cronies. Riddler looked upon the scene with utter distaste. “You disgust me, Lex,” he sneered. “Are you so cowed that you’ll let those buffoons steal your ideas without the slightest argument?”
“For a genius,” Luthor replied nastily, “you’re clearly incapable of seeing the bigger picture. I wanted them to take the idea, you idiot. It’s all part of the broader plan. And the next step is you, me, Poison Ivy and the others all volunteering to serve as manual labour.”
The DC villains groaned, but knew better than to defy Luthor - they owed him their freedom, after all. And so Luthor, Riddler, Poison Ivy, Scarecrow, Two-Face, Clock King, Gorilla Grodd, Sportsmaster, Black Manta, Mr Freeze, Bane and Clayface grudgingly offered to do the “grunt work” for the birthday machine. As expected, the Marvel villains were only too happy to let their rivals shoulder the burden, intending to claim all the credit when Doom saw the finished product. Luthor was delighted - their egocentric nonsense would keep Doom off the scent long enough for the DC villains to bring about his well-deserved downfall.
Appointing himself foreman of the “work crew”, Luthor divided his allies into two teams. Riddler, Poison Ivy, Two-Face, Clock King, Mr Freeze and Clayface would remain on-site and continue work on the birthday monument. That, naturally, meant they’d hide death-traps, machine guns, freeze rays, super-strong creeper vines, mudslides (Clayface’s contribution) and other nasty surprises within the celebratory device. Meanwhile Bane, Scarecrow, Sportsmaster, Black Manta and Grodd would accompany Luthor to the sole LexCorp warehouse that had escaped the government’s asset seizure and collect “party favours”.
As the group made its way toward the warehouse, Grodd grew suspicious. Of all the DC villains, he had the least reason to trust Luthor. “What are you planning here, Lex?” he asked coolly. “If defeating Doom was as simple as combining our powers, he’d be dust already. You know he’s more than strong enough to withstand our assault. And surely it’s not escaped your notice that Villainville enjoys sovereignty rights - and therefore can’t be raided by SHIELD - solely because of Doom’s nobility. Say we succeed and Doom is deposed: if Villainville’s no longer a Latverian territory, how do we stay out of Arkham Asylum?”
“My dear Grodd,” Luthor chuckled. “Your attempts to simulate a human-level intellect are… let’s call them ‘endearing’ and be charitable… but wholly unnecessary at this juncture. Sit back, relax, maybe peel a banana or three and let the real genius do all the thinking.”
Grodd fumed but fell silent.
The last Lexcorp warehouse was empty… and, additionally, was not a warehouse. It was an international super-sonic air transport in disguise - Luthor’s “ace in the hole” escape vehicle. Once the villains were aboard he sat down at the controls and set course for Africa. Grodd glanced at the destination screen and broke out in a cold sweat. Scarecrow, Sportsmaster and Black Manta clung to one another, utterly terrified.
“We’re going to Wakanda,” Scarcrow wailed.
“We’re going to die,” Sportsmaster howled.
“And then we’ll be killed some more,” Black Manta sobbed.
Bane laughed at their cowardice, but his colleagues would not be discouraged from their fright. “You don’t understand,” Scarecrow jabbered. “Imagine if Batman ruled an entire country of fierce, bloodthirsty warriors - each of whom had been trained to his level! Now, imagine that Batman was even more dangerous than he already is, and a king, and had access to technology and resources so advanced that they border on science-fiction! That’s where we’re going, Bane, and the Black Panther is going to kick all of our butts!”
No sooner had Luthor landed the transport in the jungle outside Wakanda’s capital than Bane leaped from his seat, threw open the cargo doors and tore off. “I will show you all,” he bellowed as he ran. “I will break this Panther fool, just as I once did the Bat, and become king of this nation!”
As the other villains panicked, Grodd carefully studied Luthor’s calm demeanour. “You wanted this to happen,” he said admiringly. “Bane is a distraction, a decoy, for whatever it is we’re really here to do.”
“Clever monkey,” Luthor crooned. “We’re going into the vibranium mine.” He took a moment to enjoy Grodd’s visible discomfort, given the ape’s past experience with the unique metal. “Today is an auspicious day in Wakanda: the locals exhume a time capsule, buried amongst the vibranium during the reign of the previous king, so that the current king may add his own trophies to it. The items of power within that capsule will boost the effectiveness of the tricks, traps and snares set by our colleagues, thus ensuring Doom’s downfall.”
Grodd nodded approvingly. “You may be a hairless halfwit,” he said sardonically, “but you have your moments, Lex.”
Wakanda was not without her defenders. When Bane strode confidently into the Arena of Kings, bellowing about regicide, a group of heroes rose to oppose him. Ant-Man, the Wasp, B’wana Beast and the Vision had taken up residence in the African nation years earlier, protecting it as their friends did Super Hero City. Unfortunately none of them had faced Bane before and so were completely unprepared for his lethality (“Reading files,” the Vision noted bitterly, “would appear to be no substitute for harsh experience”). The steroid-powered monster was in the midst of dispatching the heroes when the vibranium mine’s alarm sounded… and a commanding voice echoed over the arena.
“Whenever there is trouble in Wakanda,” the Black Panther said as he stepped onto the battlefield, “it is always about vibranium. My friends, your powers are needed at the mines.” He looked Bane up and down. “Leave this one to me.”
Wasp and the others made their way to the mines but, once again, Luthor was one step ahead of them. Unbeknownst to all he had supplied some of the technology used to create the Vision; with the flick of a switch on his gauntlet, the synthezoid was his to control. The Vision had grown stronger over the intervening years and would eventually break free of Luthor’s thrall, but the few minutes in which he was forced to attack his friends were all the villains needed to grab their prize from the mines and escape. They flew away from Wakanda - passing over the arena, where a battered, unconscious Bane lay face-down in the dirt - and toward Villainville, cackling about their triumph.
In the arena, the dejected heroes reported their failure to the Black Panther. The king was not, of course, angry with his friends - he knew they had done their best - but he was furious at having lost his country’s precious artefacts. For the first time in a decade, T’Challa activated his Avengers ID card…
The Marvel villains were apoplectic by the time Luthor and his team arrived. MODOK wanted nothing more than to bring Doom outside to see “his” creation, and so paid little attention as Luthor placed the Wakandan artefacts of power inside the monument. He finished his work just in time: MODOK led a blindfolded, grumbling Doom out of the castle as the villains moved into parade formation (DC villains at the very back, of course). With a blare of trumpets (provided by Abomination… don’t ask) and a cannon salute (thanks to Titanium Man), Doom was presented with his birthday present. His grandiose ego tickled, the tin-faced tyrant was incredibly pleased with the gesture. His favourite touch was Kang’s contribution: a monument-mounted particle beam turret complete with its own firing range and holographic targets.
The DC villains held their breath as Doom took his place at the turret. They tensed as his metal-plated rear end moved closer and closer to the finely-upholstered seat cushion. And then… when steel-covered heinie touched carefully-hidden trap-springing trigger… they ducked
It was as if someone had set off fireworks within the monument. Doom howled as he was thrown from side-to-side by explosions, raked by machine gun fire, whipped by vines, frozen, electrified, beset by pranks, coated in mud and battered by perfectly-timed pistons. His armour was supposed to be impervious to such attacks, and the despot panicked at his sudden, unexpected vulnerability. Outside, Luthor - generous to a fault - ceded the final blow to Grodd. Donning his mind-control helmet, the ape exerted his will over the particle beam turret and turned it on Doom. Enhanced, like everything else within the monument, by the Wakandan artefacts, it pummelled Doom with hideous force and shredded his embattled armour. One final explosion tore the roof off the monument and threw Doom hundreds of feet in the air. He sailed away from Villainville in a parabolic arc, over the wall with Super Hero City and crash-landed on the wrong side of the tracks…
… where Nick Fury, Maria Hill, Phil Coulson and the Agents of SHIELD were waiting. Melinda May stepped forward, cuffs in hand, and snapped them around the dizzy dictator’s trembling wrists. “Victor von Doom,” Fury said, “by the power vested in me as Director of SHIELD, I hereby arrest you for international crimes including, but not limited to, attempted conquering of the world. And, seeing as you’ve so kindly stepped out of your embassy and onto my soil, your diplomatic immunity is null and void and you’re my prisoner.” He grinned. “Damn, today’s a good day!”
Seconds later Iron Man, Thor, Captain America and Batman arrived on the scene, having received a message from the Black Panther. “This is our chance,” Fury said upon learning of events in Wakanda. “If Doom’s here, and he’s our prisoner, then Latveria’s claim on Villainville can’t be sustained. We can finally take back that land! Quick, everyone - onto the Helicarrier!”
No sooner had the mighty airship cleared the giant wall, however, when those aboard were greeted by an impossible sight. Doom’s flat-packed castle shifted, shimmered and changed before their very eyes. Ancient stone and fortified columns became tinted, bullet-proof glass and mutli-storey towers; the moat drained and was replaced by a revolving foundation that turned with the light of the sun. The central tower of the ultra-modern… no, futuristic… facility finished in an “L” shape with a domed private laboratory. At the foot of the imposing edifice stood Lex Luthor, resplendent in a grey tailored suit. He favoured the heroes and agents with a smug smile.
“Luthor,” Fury began dangerously.
“Please,” Luthor replied, waving his hand, “let’s not sully this auspicious moment with meaningless aggression. By all means, Colonel Fury, land your Helicarrier! Batman, Iron Man, all of you, feel free to step onto land that has avoided your foot-fall for so very long! You’re all welcome to the new LexCorp: a state-of-the-art business campus designed solely to benefit humanity’s future!”
“This is a new low,” Iron Man sneered, “even for you, Lex.”
“He speaks true,” Thor rumbled. “Thou art wanted for many a crime, as are thine compatriots!” He gestured with Mjolnir. The DC villains stood behind their defacto leader, trying to look confident despite their confusion. The Marvel villains, meanwhile, had yet to notice anything - they were too busy scuffling and fighting each other, scapegoating one another for Doom’s downfall.
“Really?” Luthor cocked an eyebrow, unconcerned. “I think you’ll find the statute of limitations on my… past transgressions… ran out a long time ago. Any other allegations you care to lay can be taken up with my legal department. As for my employees…”
“Employees?” Captain America balked.
“That’s right,” Luthor nodded. “Employees. LexCorp is an official provider of rehabilitative services. We’re the premier ‘work for release’ program in Super Hero City. Each of these unfairly-maligned individuals is paying their debt to society by working for me. Clock King is my head of efficiency, Mr Freeze my top cryonics researcher. Poison Ivy is our chief environmental officer, Two-Face my senior legal counsel. Black Manta is in charge of overseas shipping, Riddler runs our IT section, Sportsmaster is responsible for the employee gym and Scarecrow is our in-house psychologist. Clayface is my personal bodyguard and Grodd,” he smiled again. “Grodd is LexCorp’s vice president in charge of mergers and acquisitions.”
“Kidnapping and theft, you mean,” Batman growled.
“Each and every one of them has taken an oath of office, swearing to uphold LexCorp’s mission statement of improving the future for all of humanity.” Luthor yawned, suddenly bored with the conversation. “You’ll find all the appropriate paperwork has been filed with City Hall, gentlemen, as has LexCorp’s deed for this land. That’s right - I liked the place so much I bought it, by electronic transfer, the moment Doom was arrested.” He glanced idly at his buffed nails. “Are we done here, gentlemen?”
“Not quite,” said a voice from on high.
The villains gasped as Superman floated down from the clouds and landed right in front of Luthor. The long-time enemies eyed one another warily. “ Brainiac technology,” Superman said, gesturing toward the altered castle with a nod of his head. “The same plundered alien system that controls your battle suit. Clever.”
Luthor said nothing.
“Do you honestly think we’ll let you get away with this?” Superman asked. “Even for a second?”
Luthor looked down at Superman’s feet, then back up and met his stare evenly. “I invited SHIELD, Batman and the Avengers onto my property,” he said coolly.
There was a tense pause. Superman nodded. “All right, Lex, I get the message,” he said. “But I’ll be watching you. Very closely.” He lifted up off the ground, hovered in front of Luthor for a moment, then flew back up into the air. Luthor watched him leave, sparing the briefest of glances as SHIELD and the other heroes departed as well. He turned to his employees.
“Round up that rabble,” he said, distastefully indicating the Marvel villains, “and lock them in the dungeon beneath sub-basement 37A. I’ll find jobs appropriate to their… new station in life… later. Right now I need to take a meeting.”
Half an hour later, a dazed and disoriented Victor von Doom awoke in his new home - one of Arkham Asylum’s maximum security cells. Luthor was outside the cell doors, gloating. “Enjoy it while you can, Lex,” Doom sneered. “Your rule will be brief, like Enchantress before you, and eventually Doom will reign supreme once more!”
“That’s your problem, Victor,” Lex tutted. “Your thinking is archaic. Rule, reign, conquest… super villainy is a business, and it’s high time Superman, Batman and the Avengers were reminded of that fact. I merely thought it appropriate you be reminded first.”
He turned on his heel and left, ignoring Doom’s muttered curses. One thing he could not ignore, however, was the high-pitched cackling from the next cell down.
“Once upon a time, two best buddies took over an entire country,” the Joker chuckled in his best story-telling voice. “They made a wonderful team and everybody was happy… well, everybody on their side, anyway. Sadly some wrong-thinking goodie two-shoes had to ruin everything, and then the friends had a teensy-weensy falling out.” Joker pressed his face up against the bars of his cell. “Whaddya say, Lexie? Want to help me write a happy ending for this tale?”
Luthor paused and stroked his chin. “Well,” he said, “I do need a human resources manager.”
Joker shrieked with delight. “That’s what I love about you, Lexie - you’re such a visionary! Only you possess the necessary business acumen to realise a bloodthirsty homicidal maniac is the perfect person to control careers, manage staff numbers, conduct mind-numbingly dull training seminars and otherwise dominate the lives of everyone in your employ!”
“I’ll speak to the warden and have you released,” Luthor smiled. “And then…”
“And then,” Joked nodded eagerly, “the fun begins all over again!”
-----THE END… FOR NOW!-----
Greet the Fire as Your Friend,
SF