The brick that brings it tumbling down
Superman was the first comic book character LJ loved, which has not only led to funny moments but also shaped her morality. Likewise, Lex Luthor was the first villain she ever recognised and wanted to be nothing like. You'd understand landing a Superman chibi was one of the happiest geek-moments of her life, while the continued lack of a Luthor toy counts among her biggest frustrations. And so the announcement of DC Super Heroes LEGO was much heralded within this house. Shame we had to wait for it to be released.
Good things come to those who yadda yadda yadda. stareyednight was the hero of this tale: she returned from work, Thursday night, with a hotly-anticipated pile of plastic bricks. Any and all plans for the weekend were abandoned in favour of a game... the opening chapter in an epic LJ has (apparently) been crafting for months. So enough with the anticipation, 'cause waiting stinks. Let's read on!
LJ presents:
PRESIDENT LUTHOR
PART ONE: ILL-LEAGUE-AL ALIENS
Written and directed by LJ
Novelisation by SF
The media gathered outside the White House just after 6am. The mood of the reporters was tense - but none among them were as concerned as Clark Kent and Lois Lane. Their employer, the irascible J Jonah Jameson, puffed gruffly on a cigar. "I've never met this guy, but I trust my reporters," he scowled. "If you two say he's bad news, then he's bad news. And not the sort of bad news that sells papers."
They all looked up as Barack Obama, President of the United States, took the podium. "My fellow Americans," he began, "the results of the election are in, and they are official. It is therefore my duty to introduce you all to your new President... Mr Lex Luthor!"
A band played "Hail to the Chief" as the Metropolis millionaire stepped confidently forward. Clark felt his invulnerable skin crawl. "After all he's done," he muttered, "all we wrote, everything we told the public about, he still wins the election?"
"Will of the people, Smallville," Lois said, no happier than her husband. "Very stupid people."
Luthor opened his mouth to begin his victory speech, but was cut off by Jonah. "I represent the Daily Bugle newspaper, and I hereby DEMAND a re-count," he bellowed. "I refuse to believe the people of this great nation would choose a slimy businessman and reformed former super-villain obsessed with chunks of green space rock to be the most powerful man in the world! Re-tally those votes, NOW!"
A phalanx of secret service agents dog-piled onto Jonah. As soon as the editor was securely handcuffed, Luthor joined them on the lawn. "Freedom of speech is one thing," he said with a cruel smile, "but your words, Jonah, border on treason. You'll have your day in court but, until then, you'll be held in prison." He turned to Lois. "And you, Miss Lane... I'll bet you look at me, now, and regret turning me down for the farm-boy all those years ago." He jerked a thumb at Clark. "Still, I'm the forgiving type. I don't yet have a First Lady, after all..."
Lois' balled-up fist clocked Luthor right in the centre of his smug grin. The newly-minted president wobbled once, then toppled over. Another bunch of secret service agents hurried to restrain the offended reporter. Clark moved to help her, but was forced to stop himself. If I get involved, I might accidentally reveal my secret identity, he thought, and then we'd be in even worse trouble. His mood soured further when Luthor regained his feet and glared. "Nothing to say, Kent?" he sneered. "Typical. Why Lois ever fell for a spineless weakling like you is beyond me."
As Jonah and Lois were led away, Luthor returned to the podium and delivered his speech. Its conclusion came as a shock to everyone. "My first official act will be to reopen the Presidential Inquiry into the fate of Super Hero City," he announced. "And unlike the previous administration, I will not allow so-called 'heroics' to override considerations of public safety and economics."
A short time later, back in Super Hero City, the Justice League held an emergency meeting at Hero Headquarters. Superman, who'd flown back at top speed, wanted to confer with his team before involving the rest of their allies. "We're the ones who know Luthor the best," he said, "and we need to figure out our take on this before we ask Captain America and the others to follow our lead." Despite their investigations, the League sadly knew little. Batman had hacked the voting computers, Flash had speed-read the records, Martian Manhunter had mind-scanned everyone involved. The results were legitimate. The League had to face an awful truth: there was nothing it could do but wait for Luthor's "visit".
And so, the next day, the entire League stood shoulder-to-shoulder with the Mayor to greet the presidential cavalcade. Luthor was in top intimidating form, shaking the Mayor's hand briefly before jabbing a finger into his chest. "Yours is a city overrun by self-identified 'heroes'," he snapped. "Yours is a city that shares a border with a town full of 'villains', separated from the rest of this great nation by a huge wall. Yours is a city rife with illegal aliens from worlds beyond our own. And yours is a city that was the primary target for an enormous, planet-eating robot bent on destruction. If you can suggest any reason I shouldn't shut this place down immediately, I'd like to hear it."
The poor Mayor could only stammer.
"Let's start the tour," Luthor sighed contemptuously. "And don't any of you even think of taking vigilante action while I'm here," he warned the League. "For the duration of my visit, your status as legally-sanctioned crime-fighters is suspended, pending reconsideration by the Federal Government." He narrowed his eyes at Superman. "As is your citizenship, Kryptonian." Luthor, the Mayor and an extremely reluctant Commissioner James Gordon walked away, shadowed by secret service agents and the media.
Of course, banning heroes from action is a sure-fire way to motivate villains. Owl Man, Blue Bowman and Captain Boomerang were the first to exploit Luthor's visit by robbing the Super Hero City Bank. The Captain used his signature weapons to open the skylight, Owl Man cracked the safe with his superior skills and Blue Bowman watched the front door... right up until the Flash rocketed past and knocked him unconscious with a single super-speed punch. Green Lantern John Stewart, meanwhile, used an emerald bubble to lift the gold and money out of the villains' reach, placing it safely on the sidewalk while he and Flash took care of business. The duo were just about to deliver the coup de grace when Luthor's procession arrived.
"What is the meaning of this?" the president thundered.
"Really?" Flash asked. "You're about as sharp as the top of your head, Lex. This was a bank robbery and we stopped it. Simple!"
Luthor smirked. "Let me tell you what I see, you hyperactive simpleton. I see a pile of allegedly stolen money sitting on the sidewalk, encased in a glowing green forcefield. Last I checked, none of these 'villains' possessed such a power. From where I stand, Flash, the persons who illegally removed money from the Super Hero City Bank are yourself and Green Lantern!" Playing to the cameras, he pointed dramatically at the heroes. "Commissioner Gordon! Arrest these men on suspicion of armed robbery!" With a pained look on his face, the police officer complied.
"Jim, wait," Green Lantern said. "You don't have to do this!"
"I'm sorry, John," the cop said sadly, "but I do. He is the president." And so, as the world's news media looked on, the Flash and Green Lantern were arrested and charged with armed robbery. So captivating was the sight that no one noticed Owl Man, Captain Boomerang and a very groggy Blue Bowman quietly sneak away... taking all the stolen money with them.
They were not the only miscreants on the prowl. Fancying themselves the "perfect combination of brains and brawn", Clock King and Clayface had formed an alliance. Their target was Stark Tower - specifically, the control bunker for the rocket launch pad. They knew they could get top dollar for Stark's technology on the black market. Clayface shrunk down to a long, thin line of dirt and crawled toward the fortified bunker, stopping and starting at Clock King's command - for he was timing the sweep of the security cameras. As soon as Clayface had disconnected the alarms he reared up and smashed through the reinforced glass. Clock King joined him and, together, they discovered an unexpected bonus: Tony Stark was sitting behind the command console!
"This is even better," Clayface chuckled, looping a muddy tentacle around Stark before he could fetch his armour. "Ransom money makes a heist all the sweeter."
"Just one problem," Tony said. "I'm harder to hold onto than you think." He pulled back his right fist and, to the amazement of the villains, it tripled in size! An almighty punch freed Stark and sent Clayface hurtling back outside. Pragmatic as ever, Clock King blasted the millionaire with his energy staff. Stark was unfazed. "You fancy yourself a genius," he said, his voice deepening as his features warped, "but you failed to account for one thing: good is always one step ahead of evil." His ruse no longer necessary, the Martian Manhunter proceeded to kick butt. He stopped only when, as he put the mental whammy on the devious duo, Luthor's cavalcade pulled into the car park.
The president was less than impressed with J'onn's explanation. "Whatever their alleged misdeed," he seethed, "you have just confessed - in front of the world, no less - to impersonating an American in order to gain access to his business. Identity theft is a crime, Martian, one punishable by imprisonment!" Once again, a mournful Commissioner Gordon had no choice but to arrest a member of the Justice League. Using the distraction to their advantage, Clock King and Clayface escaped with the very tech they'd wanted in the first place.
Off the coast of Super Hero City, Batman was wondering how he got himself into these things. Aquaman had received an emergency call from Atlantis and, given the oppressive situation on land, proclaimed it was time for "another adventure under the sea!". Batman had donned his scuba-suit at his friend's bombastic back-slapping insistence, not expecting to find an enormous undersea glacier blocking the way. While Aquaman swam high, Batman checked the base of the ice structure and found a tiny hole... through which the evil Black Manta blasted him with electricity! At the same time, Mr Freeze attacked Aquaman. The villains hoped "switching heroes" would win them the day, but the good guys were too tough for that.
"This doesn't make sense," Batman frowned as his punches sent Black Manta into dream land. "Their plan was too simple, too... pointless. What did they hope to achieve by separating you from Atlantis?"
The unwelcome answer came all at once. The glacier shattered as Gorilla Grodd drove a high-speed submarine through it. "Those fools were supposed to slow you down while my mind control powers took over the people of Atlantis," he raged as he sailed past them. "Now I've no choice to retreat but mark my words, 'Super Friends' - next time, I'll destroy you all!"
"He thinks to escape from the King of the Seas in the seas?" Aquaman scoffed. "I think not, you overly-hairy meatball. HO!"
The heroes caught Grodd as he made landfall and crash-tackled him onto the sand. They rolled, punched, kicked and battled... then came to rest at President Luthor's feet. "How dare you," he boomed indignantly. "Attacking an ambassador on American soil? I will not stand for it!"
"Ambassador?" Aquaman gasped.
"This is low, Luthor, even for you," Batman seethed. "Gorilla Grodd is no dignitary - in his home town of Gorilla City he's considered a criminal, a mass-mind-snaring fiend without equal!"
"Poppycock," Luthor waved dismissively. "The United States has opened a dialogue with Gorilla City after many years of isolationism, and Mr Grodd here is the vine between our worlds." He stooped down and helped Grodd to his feet, flashing a smile for the cameras at the same time. "I'm terribly sorry, Mr Grodd," he said placatingly, "and I want to assure you I will do everything in my power to repair any damage done, to the relations between our peoples, by this unfortunate incident." He glared daggers at the heroes. "Up to and including the arrest of such reckless, self-styled do-gooders!"
Aquaman stood tall. "You'll do no such thing, bureaucrat! I am a king, and thus attract even greater immunity than this... this beast!"
Luthor's glee was evident. "Unfortunately for the two of you, this country has no reciprocal agreement with the quite-likely imaginary nation of Atlantis. As such, you and the Dark Knight will be taken into custody on Federal charges." He snapped his fingers. "Gordon! Do your duty."
It was the hardest moment of Jim Gordon's life. But friendship knows no bounds and the Caped Crusader, despite his misgivings, surrendered peacefully to his oldest ally. Much more grudgingly, Aquaman did the same. They allowed themselves to be lead away, without incident, in front of the cameras and reporters. "This is the darkest day we've ever known," the Mayor whispered sadly.
Time passed, the sun set and Super Hero City's nightlife kicked off. Some people were looking for more extreme parties than others, who were just trying to make it through the night without doing permanent spinal damage. Harley Quinn - struggling beneath a giant set of juggling balls - was among their number. "Mister J," she grunted, "when you said we was gonna have some laughs, I thought you meant, well, you know... something fun."
The Joker barely registered his hench-wench's distress. He was enraptured by the sights around him. The museum's latest exhibition featured the prized possessions of the world's greatest comedians, and he intended to loot it all. Their third wheel for the evening, Sportsmaster, was much less impressed. "Bunch of nonsense, if you ask me," he spat. "Gimme baseball memorabilia any day."
The clown prince of crime sighed wearily. "Sportsmaster, you're only here because Harley needs help with the heavy lifting - not because I want your opinion! Now get haulin', otherwise you won't see a single cent of the money we make from this caper!" He made a fluttering motion with his fingers. "Amscray!"
Above them, the skylight shattered. Joker's grin widened with anticipation... then drooped. "Aw, that's disappointing," he groused as Superman and Wonder Woman touched down in front of him. "And here I was hoping ol' Bat-fink had decided to break himself outta the hoose-gow and come after me. Instead - sob, choke - I have to make do with Stupid-ham and Blunder-Britches." He sighed again. "Sometimes, the world just isn't fair. Oh well."
From out the shadows, the Scarecrow attacked. He doused both Superman and Wonder Woman with his patented fear gas and, caught off-guard, they inhaled deeply. Gentleman Ghost and his skeletal horse joined the fray, splitting directions and terrifying the compromised heroes. From that point on, Wonder Woman saw Superman as the phantom horse, while the Man of Steel saw the Gentleman Ghost instead of his dear friend. They clashed at full force, and their misguided battle shook the museum to its foundations. Joker watched, giddy with delight, as the fight spilled into the streets and though buildings.
"This might just be the greatest prank ever pulled in the history of humanity," he breathed reverently, throwing his arms around Scarecrow and the Gentleman. "Boys, we've got to work together more often!" With a giggle and a spring in his step, the Joker and his cronies emptied the ruined museum room of its treasures and vanished into the night.
High in the air, Superman and Wonder Woman continued their melee of misunderstanding. Diana lashed out with her magic lasso, entangling the Man of Steel in its unbreakable links. Its magic worked wonders on the hero: his fear gas-corrupted vision was cleared by the light of truth and he realised, at last, what had happened to them. Flying at super-speed, he wrapped Diana in her own weapon and she, too, snapped back to reality. "Hera," she breathed, looking at the destruction, "what have we done?"
"If you have to ask that question, 'Wonder Woman'," a disgusted voice called from the streets below, "you're even more disconnected from humanity than I'd feared."
Superman's heart sank. He and Diana had been tricked into trashing half the city - the same half rebuilt, only so recently, following Unicron's attack - on live television. Given what had happened to his team mates throughout the day... his boss... his wife... Superman made the only decision he could. He floated down to the street and silently gave himself up to Commissioner Gordon. Only after he and Wonder Woman had been secured did he turn toward Luthor. "This isn't over, Lex," he vowed. "Do you hear me? This. Isn't. Over."
Luthor yawned and stretched. "It is for me," he said lightly, sending a ripple of chuckles through the media. "Mr Mayor, I'll be boarding my ultra-fast transport back to the White House, now. We'll continue the tour next week, all right?" He didn't wait for an answer but blithely strolled away, turning his back on the crushed bureaucrat and on the equally upset Commissioner Gordon.
An hour or so later, Luthor settled back into his chair in the Oval Office. He closed his eyes and relaxed, not even stirring at the laughter that echoed through the room. "Lexie, you devil," the Joker exclaimed, appearing from out a secret passageway. "I'm not one that's easily impressed, goodness knows, but even I am taken aback by the breathtaking scope of this con!" He rushed over and gripped Luthor's hand passionately. "You must tell me how you did it, Lexie old pal - you simply must!"
Luthor opened a single eye and smiled. "Mass hypnosis," he said, obviously pleased with himself. "A new form, so subtle it can evade even the Martian's detection. I'll not bore you with the specifics, Joker... it's enough to say our former Commander-in-Chief is convinced the election results are authentic, and that's enough to sway things in my favour. The rest was simplicity itself. The Justice League's true weakness isn't Kryptonite or anything so esoteric - it's their cloying nobility, their disgusting adherence to society's rules. All of them, even Batman, respect the law too much to ever break it. And so I used the law against them, knowing they could never resist."
He rose from his chair and crossed the room. Joker followed him, hopping and skipping like a demented gargoyle. "It's so delicious I can't stand it," he keened. "Whatever will you do for an encore, you rogue? Let me and the others loot, sack and pillage the city? Start a war with another country, just for kicks? Make 'em re-carve Mount Rushmore in your likeness? Take over the world?"
"All of the above," Luthor said triumphantly, "but not just yet. First, let me show you my weapon of mass destruction." He tapped a hidden button on the fireplace mantle, and the entire wall slid away to reveal a technological monstrosity. "Taller and more powerful than any Transformer," Luthor boasted. "Powered by dual Kryptonite engines, with its strength augmented by a constant supply of the super-steroid known as 'Venom'. Radiation emitters in the fingertips, shins and shoulders, topped off by a cockpit with impenetrable plastic bubble." He nodded. "I'm quite proud of it."
The Joker was almost discombobulated with bliss. "As well you should be - it's a treasure," he cooed, sounding as if he were talking about a newborn baby. He danced around the battle suit's cannon for a better look. "Ooh, Kryptonite laser! Top-shelf material, Lexie, just top-shelf." He kissed the weapon's barrel. "You're just a precious thing, aren't you? Yes you are! Uncle Joker loves you so so much, yes he does!"
Luthor allowed his friend his excesses. "Once the League has had time to sit in prison and stew over its fate," he said darkly, "and once their spirits have been truly broken, my 'mercy' expires. That's when I'll don this battle suit, stride into the prison and annihilate them all. Superman will be the last to die, just so I can look in his eyes and watch his precious hopes flicker and go out like a snuffed candle. And then, Joker, there will be nothing and no one to stop me from becoming master of the entire world!"
Back in Super Hero City, beneath the first rays of dawn, Commissioner Gordon had a secret meeting. "I could lose my job for doing this, be declared a traitor to my country," he explained. "But I don't care. The law doesn't mean anything when someone as bad as Luthor's in charge. It's just a tool for him to get what he wants, to be a bully. The Justice League can't - won't - see that. And so I've come to you, hoping you can save us."
Captain America stepped into the light. "My loyalty is to America," he said. "And I mean its people and their dreams, not its government. If the government is doing the wrong thing - and especially if the President is doing the wrong thing - then my choice is clear." He looked out toward the sunrise. "Tomorrow, for good or for ill, the Avengers go to war with America."
-----TO BE CONTINUED!-----
Greet the Fire as Your Friend,
SF
Good things come to those who yadda yadda yadda. stareyednight was the hero of this tale: she returned from work, Thursday night, with a hotly-anticipated pile of plastic bricks. Any and all plans for the weekend were abandoned in favour of a game... the opening chapter in an epic LJ has (apparently) been crafting for months. So enough with the anticipation, 'cause waiting stinks. Let's read on!
LJ presents:
PRESIDENT LUTHOR
PART ONE: ILL-LEAGUE-AL ALIENS
Written and directed by LJ
Novelisation by SF
The media gathered outside the White House just after 6am. The mood of the reporters was tense - but none among them were as concerned as Clark Kent and Lois Lane. Their employer, the irascible J Jonah Jameson, puffed gruffly on a cigar. "I've never met this guy, but I trust my reporters," he scowled. "If you two say he's bad news, then he's bad news. And not the sort of bad news that sells papers."
They all looked up as Barack Obama, President of the United States, took the podium. "My fellow Americans," he began, "the results of the election are in, and they are official. It is therefore my duty to introduce you all to your new President... Mr Lex Luthor!"
A band played "Hail to the Chief" as the Metropolis millionaire stepped confidently forward. Clark felt his invulnerable skin crawl. "After all he's done," he muttered, "all we wrote, everything we told the public about, he still wins the election?"
"Will of the people, Smallville," Lois said, no happier than her husband. "Very stupid people."
Luthor opened his mouth to begin his victory speech, but was cut off by Jonah. "I represent the Daily Bugle newspaper, and I hereby DEMAND a re-count," he bellowed. "I refuse to believe the people of this great nation would choose a slimy businessman and reformed former super-villain obsessed with chunks of green space rock to be the most powerful man in the world! Re-tally those votes, NOW!"
A phalanx of secret service agents dog-piled onto Jonah. As soon as the editor was securely handcuffed, Luthor joined them on the lawn. "Freedom of speech is one thing," he said with a cruel smile, "but your words, Jonah, border on treason. You'll have your day in court but, until then, you'll be held in prison." He turned to Lois. "And you, Miss Lane... I'll bet you look at me, now, and regret turning me down for the farm-boy all those years ago." He jerked a thumb at Clark. "Still, I'm the forgiving type. I don't yet have a First Lady, after all..."
Lois' balled-up fist clocked Luthor right in the centre of his smug grin. The newly-minted president wobbled once, then toppled over. Another bunch of secret service agents hurried to restrain the offended reporter. Clark moved to help her, but was forced to stop himself. If I get involved, I might accidentally reveal my secret identity, he thought, and then we'd be in even worse trouble. His mood soured further when Luthor regained his feet and glared. "Nothing to say, Kent?" he sneered. "Typical. Why Lois ever fell for a spineless weakling like you is beyond me."
As Jonah and Lois were led away, Luthor returned to the podium and delivered his speech. Its conclusion came as a shock to everyone. "My first official act will be to reopen the Presidential Inquiry into the fate of Super Hero City," he announced. "And unlike the previous administration, I will not allow so-called 'heroics' to override considerations of public safety and economics."
A short time later, back in Super Hero City, the Justice League held an emergency meeting at Hero Headquarters. Superman, who'd flown back at top speed, wanted to confer with his team before involving the rest of their allies. "We're the ones who know Luthor the best," he said, "and we need to figure out our take on this before we ask Captain America and the others to follow our lead." Despite their investigations, the League sadly knew little. Batman had hacked the voting computers, Flash had speed-read the records, Martian Manhunter had mind-scanned everyone involved. The results were legitimate. The League had to face an awful truth: there was nothing it could do but wait for Luthor's "visit".
And so, the next day, the entire League stood shoulder-to-shoulder with the Mayor to greet the presidential cavalcade. Luthor was in top intimidating form, shaking the Mayor's hand briefly before jabbing a finger into his chest. "Yours is a city overrun by self-identified 'heroes'," he snapped. "Yours is a city that shares a border with a town full of 'villains', separated from the rest of this great nation by a huge wall. Yours is a city rife with illegal aliens from worlds beyond our own. And yours is a city that was the primary target for an enormous, planet-eating robot bent on destruction. If you can suggest any reason I shouldn't shut this place down immediately, I'd like to hear it."
The poor Mayor could only stammer.
"Let's start the tour," Luthor sighed contemptuously. "And don't any of you even think of taking vigilante action while I'm here," he warned the League. "For the duration of my visit, your status as legally-sanctioned crime-fighters is suspended, pending reconsideration by the Federal Government." He narrowed his eyes at Superman. "As is your citizenship, Kryptonian." Luthor, the Mayor and an extremely reluctant Commissioner James Gordon walked away, shadowed by secret service agents and the media.
Of course, banning heroes from action is a sure-fire way to motivate villains. Owl Man, Blue Bowman and Captain Boomerang were the first to exploit Luthor's visit by robbing the Super Hero City Bank. The Captain used his signature weapons to open the skylight, Owl Man cracked the safe with his superior skills and Blue Bowman watched the front door... right up until the Flash rocketed past and knocked him unconscious with a single super-speed punch. Green Lantern John Stewart, meanwhile, used an emerald bubble to lift the gold and money out of the villains' reach, placing it safely on the sidewalk while he and Flash took care of business. The duo were just about to deliver the coup de grace when Luthor's procession arrived.
"What is the meaning of this?" the president thundered.
"Really?" Flash asked. "You're about as sharp as the top of your head, Lex. This was a bank robbery and we stopped it. Simple!"
Luthor smirked. "Let me tell you what I see, you hyperactive simpleton. I see a pile of allegedly stolen money sitting on the sidewalk, encased in a glowing green forcefield. Last I checked, none of these 'villains' possessed such a power. From where I stand, Flash, the persons who illegally removed money from the Super Hero City Bank are yourself and Green Lantern!" Playing to the cameras, he pointed dramatically at the heroes. "Commissioner Gordon! Arrest these men on suspicion of armed robbery!" With a pained look on his face, the police officer complied.
"Jim, wait," Green Lantern said. "You don't have to do this!"
"I'm sorry, John," the cop said sadly, "but I do. He is the president." And so, as the world's news media looked on, the Flash and Green Lantern were arrested and charged with armed robbery. So captivating was the sight that no one noticed Owl Man, Captain Boomerang and a very groggy Blue Bowman quietly sneak away... taking all the stolen money with them.
They were not the only miscreants on the prowl. Fancying themselves the "perfect combination of brains and brawn", Clock King and Clayface had formed an alliance. Their target was Stark Tower - specifically, the control bunker for the rocket launch pad. They knew they could get top dollar for Stark's technology on the black market. Clayface shrunk down to a long, thin line of dirt and crawled toward the fortified bunker, stopping and starting at Clock King's command - for he was timing the sweep of the security cameras. As soon as Clayface had disconnected the alarms he reared up and smashed through the reinforced glass. Clock King joined him and, together, they discovered an unexpected bonus: Tony Stark was sitting behind the command console!
"This is even better," Clayface chuckled, looping a muddy tentacle around Stark before he could fetch his armour. "Ransom money makes a heist all the sweeter."
"Just one problem," Tony said. "I'm harder to hold onto than you think." He pulled back his right fist and, to the amazement of the villains, it tripled in size! An almighty punch freed Stark and sent Clayface hurtling back outside. Pragmatic as ever, Clock King blasted the millionaire with his energy staff. Stark was unfazed. "You fancy yourself a genius," he said, his voice deepening as his features warped, "but you failed to account for one thing: good is always one step ahead of evil." His ruse no longer necessary, the Martian Manhunter proceeded to kick butt. He stopped only when, as he put the mental whammy on the devious duo, Luthor's cavalcade pulled into the car park.
The president was less than impressed with J'onn's explanation. "Whatever their alleged misdeed," he seethed, "you have just confessed - in front of the world, no less - to impersonating an American in order to gain access to his business. Identity theft is a crime, Martian, one punishable by imprisonment!" Once again, a mournful Commissioner Gordon had no choice but to arrest a member of the Justice League. Using the distraction to their advantage, Clock King and Clayface escaped with the very tech they'd wanted in the first place.
Off the coast of Super Hero City, Batman was wondering how he got himself into these things. Aquaman had received an emergency call from Atlantis and, given the oppressive situation on land, proclaimed it was time for "another adventure under the sea!". Batman had donned his scuba-suit at his friend's bombastic back-slapping insistence, not expecting to find an enormous undersea glacier blocking the way. While Aquaman swam high, Batman checked the base of the ice structure and found a tiny hole... through which the evil Black Manta blasted him with electricity! At the same time, Mr Freeze attacked Aquaman. The villains hoped "switching heroes" would win them the day, but the good guys were too tough for that.
"This doesn't make sense," Batman frowned as his punches sent Black Manta into dream land. "Their plan was too simple, too... pointless. What did they hope to achieve by separating you from Atlantis?"
The unwelcome answer came all at once. The glacier shattered as Gorilla Grodd drove a high-speed submarine through it. "Those fools were supposed to slow you down while my mind control powers took over the people of Atlantis," he raged as he sailed past them. "Now I've no choice to retreat but mark my words, 'Super Friends' - next time, I'll destroy you all!"
"He thinks to escape from the King of the Seas in the seas?" Aquaman scoffed. "I think not, you overly-hairy meatball. HO!"
The heroes caught Grodd as he made landfall and crash-tackled him onto the sand. They rolled, punched, kicked and battled... then came to rest at President Luthor's feet. "How dare you," he boomed indignantly. "Attacking an ambassador on American soil? I will not stand for it!"
"Ambassador?" Aquaman gasped.
"This is low, Luthor, even for you," Batman seethed. "Gorilla Grodd is no dignitary - in his home town of Gorilla City he's considered a criminal, a mass-mind-snaring fiend without equal!"
"Poppycock," Luthor waved dismissively. "The United States has opened a dialogue with Gorilla City after many years of isolationism, and Mr Grodd here is the vine between our worlds." He stooped down and helped Grodd to his feet, flashing a smile for the cameras at the same time. "I'm terribly sorry, Mr Grodd," he said placatingly, "and I want to assure you I will do everything in my power to repair any damage done, to the relations between our peoples, by this unfortunate incident." He glared daggers at the heroes. "Up to and including the arrest of such reckless, self-styled do-gooders!"
Aquaman stood tall. "You'll do no such thing, bureaucrat! I am a king, and thus attract even greater immunity than this... this beast!"
Luthor's glee was evident. "Unfortunately for the two of you, this country has no reciprocal agreement with the quite-likely imaginary nation of Atlantis. As such, you and the Dark Knight will be taken into custody on Federal charges." He snapped his fingers. "Gordon! Do your duty."
It was the hardest moment of Jim Gordon's life. But friendship knows no bounds and the Caped Crusader, despite his misgivings, surrendered peacefully to his oldest ally. Much more grudgingly, Aquaman did the same. They allowed themselves to be lead away, without incident, in front of the cameras and reporters. "This is the darkest day we've ever known," the Mayor whispered sadly.
Time passed, the sun set and Super Hero City's nightlife kicked off. Some people were looking for more extreme parties than others, who were just trying to make it through the night without doing permanent spinal damage. Harley Quinn - struggling beneath a giant set of juggling balls - was among their number. "Mister J," she grunted, "when you said we was gonna have some laughs, I thought you meant, well, you know... something fun."
The Joker barely registered his hench-wench's distress. He was enraptured by the sights around him. The museum's latest exhibition featured the prized possessions of the world's greatest comedians, and he intended to loot it all. Their third wheel for the evening, Sportsmaster, was much less impressed. "Bunch of nonsense, if you ask me," he spat. "Gimme baseball memorabilia any day."
The clown prince of crime sighed wearily. "Sportsmaster, you're only here because Harley needs help with the heavy lifting - not because I want your opinion! Now get haulin', otherwise you won't see a single cent of the money we make from this caper!" He made a fluttering motion with his fingers. "Amscray!"
Above them, the skylight shattered. Joker's grin widened with anticipation... then drooped. "Aw, that's disappointing," he groused as Superman and Wonder Woman touched down in front of him. "And here I was hoping ol' Bat-fink had decided to break himself outta the hoose-gow and come after me. Instead - sob, choke - I have to make do with Stupid-ham and Blunder-Britches." He sighed again. "Sometimes, the world just isn't fair. Oh well."
From out the shadows, the Scarecrow attacked. He doused both Superman and Wonder Woman with his patented fear gas and, caught off-guard, they inhaled deeply. Gentleman Ghost and his skeletal horse joined the fray, splitting directions and terrifying the compromised heroes. From that point on, Wonder Woman saw Superman as the phantom horse, while the Man of Steel saw the Gentleman Ghost instead of his dear friend. They clashed at full force, and their misguided battle shook the museum to its foundations. Joker watched, giddy with delight, as the fight spilled into the streets and though buildings.
"This might just be the greatest prank ever pulled in the history of humanity," he breathed reverently, throwing his arms around Scarecrow and the Gentleman. "Boys, we've got to work together more often!" With a giggle and a spring in his step, the Joker and his cronies emptied the ruined museum room of its treasures and vanished into the night.
High in the air, Superman and Wonder Woman continued their melee of misunderstanding. Diana lashed out with her magic lasso, entangling the Man of Steel in its unbreakable links. Its magic worked wonders on the hero: his fear gas-corrupted vision was cleared by the light of truth and he realised, at last, what had happened to them. Flying at super-speed, he wrapped Diana in her own weapon and she, too, snapped back to reality. "Hera," she breathed, looking at the destruction, "what have we done?"
"If you have to ask that question, 'Wonder Woman'," a disgusted voice called from the streets below, "you're even more disconnected from humanity than I'd feared."
Superman's heart sank. He and Diana had been tricked into trashing half the city - the same half rebuilt, only so recently, following Unicron's attack - on live television. Given what had happened to his team mates throughout the day... his boss... his wife... Superman made the only decision he could. He floated down to the street and silently gave himself up to Commissioner Gordon. Only after he and Wonder Woman had been secured did he turn toward Luthor. "This isn't over, Lex," he vowed. "Do you hear me? This. Isn't. Over."
Luthor yawned and stretched. "It is for me," he said lightly, sending a ripple of chuckles through the media. "Mr Mayor, I'll be boarding my ultra-fast transport back to the White House, now. We'll continue the tour next week, all right?" He didn't wait for an answer but blithely strolled away, turning his back on the crushed bureaucrat and on the equally upset Commissioner Gordon.
An hour or so later, Luthor settled back into his chair in the Oval Office. He closed his eyes and relaxed, not even stirring at the laughter that echoed through the room. "Lexie, you devil," the Joker exclaimed, appearing from out a secret passageway. "I'm not one that's easily impressed, goodness knows, but even I am taken aback by the breathtaking scope of this con!" He rushed over and gripped Luthor's hand passionately. "You must tell me how you did it, Lexie old pal - you simply must!"
Luthor opened a single eye and smiled. "Mass hypnosis," he said, obviously pleased with himself. "A new form, so subtle it can evade even the Martian's detection. I'll not bore you with the specifics, Joker... it's enough to say our former Commander-in-Chief is convinced the election results are authentic, and that's enough to sway things in my favour. The rest was simplicity itself. The Justice League's true weakness isn't Kryptonite or anything so esoteric - it's their cloying nobility, their disgusting adherence to society's rules. All of them, even Batman, respect the law too much to ever break it. And so I used the law against them, knowing they could never resist."
He rose from his chair and crossed the room. Joker followed him, hopping and skipping like a demented gargoyle. "It's so delicious I can't stand it," he keened. "Whatever will you do for an encore, you rogue? Let me and the others loot, sack and pillage the city? Start a war with another country, just for kicks? Make 'em re-carve Mount Rushmore in your likeness? Take over the world?"
"All of the above," Luthor said triumphantly, "but not just yet. First, let me show you my weapon of mass destruction." He tapped a hidden button on the fireplace mantle, and the entire wall slid away to reveal a technological monstrosity. "Taller and more powerful than any Transformer," Luthor boasted. "Powered by dual Kryptonite engines, with its strength augmented by a constant supply of the super-steroid known as 'Venom'. Radiation emitters in the fingertips, shins and shoulders, topped off by a cockpit with impenetrable plastic bubble." He nodded. "I'm quite proud of it."
The Joker was almost discombobulated with bliss. "As well you should be - it's a treasure," he cooed, sounding as if he were talking about a newborn baby. He danced around the battle suit's cannon for a better look. "Ooh, Kryptonite laser! Top-shelf material, Lexie, just top-shelf." He kissed the weapon's barrel. "You're just a precious thing, aren't you? Yes you are! Uncle Joker loves you so so much, yes he does!"
Luthor allowed his friend his excesses. "Once the League has had time to sit in prison and stew over its fate," he said darkly, "and once their spirits have been truly broken, my 'mercy' expires. That's when I'll don this battle suit, stride into the prison and annihilate them all. Superman will be the last to die, just so I can look in his eyes and watch his precious hopes flicker and go out like a snuffed candle. And then, Joker, there will be nothing and no one to stop me from becoming master of the entire world!"
Back in Super Hero City, beneath the first rays of dawn, Commissioner Gordon had a secret meeting. "I could lose my job for doing this, be declared a traitor to my country," he explained. "But I don't care. The law doesn't mean anything when someone as bad as Luthor's in charge. It's just a tool for him to get what he wants, to be a bully. The Justice League can't - won't - see that. And so I've come to you, hoping you can save us."
Captain America stepped into the light. "My loyalty is to America," he said. "And I mean its people and their dreams, not its government. If the government is doing the wrong thing - and especially if the President is doing the wrong thing - then my choice is clear." He looked out toward the sunrise. "Tomorrow, for good or for ill, the Avengers go to war with America."
-----TO BE CONTINUED!-----
Greet the Fire as Your Friend,
SF