Charming the Pants off the Pashahads
Title: Charming the Pants off the Pashahads (Part Two)
Pairing/Rating/Warning: none, rated PG, contains spoilers for SGA through S2
Word Count: 11878 total (Part Two 5474)
Betas: The wonderful jadesfire2808 and _medley_
Summary: Colonel Sheppard's team gets into hot water off world when he accidently insults a village chieftain's daughter. Can their new teammate, Captain Jack Harkness, get them out of it?
Author's Note: Crossover between Torchwood and Stargate: Atlantis. Written for karaokegal "Come as You Aren't Halloween Party."
Author's Note 2: This story is set at some unspecified time after TW's S1, but immediately after SGA 2x13, "Critical Mass" and had to be split in two parts to post at livejournal.
Author's Note 3: The wondeful art was made by _medley_, whom I can not thank enough!!!
Part One
When Ronon and Rodney returned to the cave a few minutes later probably the last sound they expected to hear was laughter. In fact it was so unexpected that Ronon entered slowly, his weapon drawn.
“So then,” Jack was saying over the others' laughter, “I slowly turn around and that's when I see the tusks. Tusks! And there we are, naked... Oh, hey Ronon. McKay. You hide our trail?”
“You're not telling the story about the twin acrobats again are you, because...” Rodney trailed off suddenly as he realized what he was seeing. “Harkness? You're okay! How are you okay?” He glanced over at Teyla, who was getting a small fire going, and at Sheppard, lounging against the wall and leaning slightly against Jack for support.
Ronon said nothing, but kept his weapon trained on the Captain. He cocked an eyebrow, “Sheppard?” he asked.
“It's all right, Ronon. Put it down.” Ronon complied, lowering the gun, but made no move to holster it. “Long story short, Jack died but got better. And now he's going to tell us how.”
“Oh, okay.” Rodney shook his head as he processed what Sheppard said. “Wait, what?!?!”
Sheppard held up his hand. “First things first, the trail?”
Ronon smiled. “They won't find us,” his tone implying how certain he was of that.
“Good.” Sheppard motioned at the others to sit before poking Harkness. “Floor's all yours, Jack.”
“Right.” Jack looked briefly at the others, seeing that he had their undivided attention. “I suppose the simplest explanation is that I can't die, or I suppose I should say that I don't stay dead..”
“Can't die, stay dead...wh..wh..what's the difference?” Rodney stuttered.
“Semantics.”
“I'm with Rodney. I still say there isn't much of a difference between the two,” Sheppard commented.
“Hey, semantics are important. You could appreciate the aroma of your lover's perfume or hate the reek of those camel-things in the village, but without semantics they'd both just stink.”
Sheppard laughed. “Okay, got me there.” There was a momentary silence. “Jack,” he prodded, “you were saying...”
“Well, it's a rather long story. There was this big fight, one of those fate-of-the-world sort of battles.” He gestured wildly with his hands. “Suddenly, there I was, last man standing with three of the enemy approaching. Death by extermination. And I was killed. Should have been all she wrote, but this girl, a friend of mine, had touched a device she shouldn't have and absorbed its powers. She used it to bring me back to life, but couldn't control it. She brought me back for good.” He sighed, absentmindedly rubbing his cheek with the back of his hand. “Well, I guess it wasn't that long a story after all.”
“That's it?” Sheppard asked.
“That's it.” Jack shrugged. “Now you know as much as I do.”
“A little more explanation would be nice,” Rodney grumbled. “What was the device? How did it work? How long did you stay dead? How do you heal? What happens...”
“Rodney!” Sheppard called out, putting a halt to the endless stream of questions.
“Have you died many times Captain Harkness?” Teyla quietly asked, not looking up from the canteen she was carefully heating next to the fire.
The grin on the Captain's face faded. “Yes.” It was an atypically succinct answer for such a usually verbose man, but no one questioned him on it.
Sheppard, still leaning slightly against Jack, looked over and regarded the other man carefully for a moment. “That's why you didn't want us to leave your body behind, because you knew you'd be coming back?” He felt, rather than saw, the quick nod and hitch in the other man's breathing. “Someone left you behind.” It was a statement, not a question. “Well, we're not going to do that.” There was a reassuring certainty and finality to his tone. Then he changed the subject. “Teyla, is that berry tea stuff ready for me yet?”
“Not quite yet, Colonel.”
Rodney opened his mouth to speak, but then shut it again quickly. He looked worriedly from Jack to Sheppard and back again, bit his lip, started to say something, but then stopped. Eventually Jack started laughing. “McKay, you're going to explode if you don't come out and ask whatever it is you're wondering about.”
“Wait, just wait a second,” Sheppard interrupted, halting Rodney before he could begin his interrogation. “Everything Jack says stays here, between us.” He looked at the others carefully. “No one on Atlantis needs to know any of this, understood? No one.” Ronon, McKay and Teyla all nodded.
McKay looked as if he had hundreds of questions to ask and he tapped a finger against his mouth repeatedly before finally settling on one, “Do you heal faster than normal?”
“Not if it doesn't kill me, no. If you were to shoot me in the leg it'd take just as long for me to heal as it would anyone. Not that I have a burning desire to demonstrate that for you or anything. But if it's a mortal injury I'll heal.”
“How long does it take?” Rodney leaned forward, obviously enthralled.
“To heal?” McKay nodded. “It depends on how bad the damage I took was. The shortest amount of time might be a couple of minutes. Once it was three days.” Jack looked over to Ronon, who was leaning up against the cave entrance, keeping one eye on the Captain and the other on the path. “Ronon? You have anything you need to say? To ask me?”
The Satedan simply shrugged. “None of my business.”
Jack smiled slightly at the terseness of the response, it was typical for Ronon. “Teyla?”
Teyla was straining the heated berry mixture by pouring it from one canteen through a piece of cloth and into another canteen. She did not look up from her work, but instead cocked her head and said, “You are still the same man you were yesterday. The only thing that has changed is that you are now that much more a formidable ally.” She put down the empty canteen, and stood up. “Here is that tanatha berry tea I promised you, Colonel. It should help with your dizziness.”
Sheppard warily accepted the canteen, shifting so he was sitting up a little straighter. “Thanks, Teyla.” His experience with native treatments left a lot to be desired. However, the berry infusion didn't smell that bad, and the dizziness was annoying so he grudgingly took a sip. “Hmmm.” His eyebrows raised slightly. “Not bad.”
Jack laughed. “High praise, coming from you.” Now that Sheppard wasn't leaning on him anymore he got up, groaning slightly. He stretched, fingers brushing against the ceiling of the cave. Probably feeling McKay's eyes on him he commented, “Coming back from the dead isn't as easy as it used to be.” Then he laughed at McKay's flustered reaction. “And the headache's not much fun either. I must be getting old.”
“Wait a second,” Sheppard said, pausing to take a long sip and eying Jack carefully over the canteen. “Your trip through the rift, it wasn't as easy as you made it out to be, was it? Back then, all you mentioned was a killer headache and how the airbags didn't deploy. But, I mean, we all saw your SUV fall out of the sky and crash onto the planet but there wasn’t a scratch on you. How could we not have realized it earlier?” He gestured at Jack accusingly with the canteen. “Going through the rift killed you, didn't it?”
Jack didn't blink, just unashamedly answered, “Either the trip or the crash did, yes.”
“That's why you were still in the vehicle when we got there, not because you were out cold, or because you were trapped, but because you’d been dead?” McKay's voice got higher and higher until he nearly squeaked.
Jack managed to look slightly contrite. “Sorry.”
“No, no, no, that makes sense. I mean, really, the sheer magnitude of...”
“McKay!” Sheppard practically shouted. He pointed to the bandage on his head. “Head wound, remember? What have I said about random scientific babbling when I have a headache?” Rodney started to fluster about before Sheppard held up his hand. “Besides, it's about time for some dinner, right? You hungry?” Offering food to Rodney was always a way to stop him from talking; Rodney never turned down a chance to eat.
The team made quick work of diving into their MREs. Ronon and Jack took turns guarding the cave entrance, although Jack had pointed out, “If they do find us we're kind of screwed anyway, no place to run and only limited firepower.” However, since no one seemed to have a snappy comeback, or a solution, so he let the matter drop.
“We'll bed down here for the night,” Sheppard ordered, cutting off Jack's complaint with a dismissive, “some cover is better than none, Jack. I'll take the first watch.”
Jack snorted in response. “Oh no, you will not. You're injured.”
“I'm also in command here, Captain. So what I say goes.”
“Officially speaking-wise, only McKay here is directly under your command, and I'm not even sure about that, him being a civilian and all. But either way, Ronon, Teyla and myself are merely attached to Atlantis.” Jack walked over and bent down to look Sheppard directly in the eye. “You need to learn to pick your battles, Colonel. Do you really think this is one you stand a chance of winning?”
Sheppard looked at Jack, then past him to Ronon and Teyla, both of whom stood a bit straighter and squared their shoulders under his gaze. He grinned slightly at what his team would mutiny over. “Okay, okay, okay! Fine! It's not like the three of you sleep much anyway!” He waggled a finger at them. “But, if we're still off world tomorrow I am taking a watch, and don't any of you try to stop me! Hey,” he pointed at Jack, “wipe that smile off your face, buster!”
“Yes, sir!” Jack snapped to attention and saluted, causing Rodney to burst out laughing. Jack held the salute, turned slightly to face the others and winked, which only resulted in Ronon and Teyla laughing as well.
“You're a bad influence, Harkness. You know, before you came along I used to get respect from my team members.”
“I get blamed for everything,” Harkness grumbled, half-heartedly. He took the spot by the door, leaning slightly up against the cave wall and rocking on the heels of his feet. “Ronon, you want the second watch?”
“You just came back from the dead, Jack. Aren't you even the slightest bit tired?” Sheppard asked as he settled down, lying with his head on his pack.
“Nope.” Jack smiled. “I got thoughts of Marta and Martin to keep me awake.”
“Marta and Martin?” Rodney started to ask before Ronon put an arm around him, leading him to a spot near the fire.
“The acrobats, remember?” Ronon reminded him. He called over his shoulder to Jack, “Second watch's fine.”
“Oh! Right, never mind.” A flush crept over McKay's face. “You really are a deviant, Harkness. You know that, right?” He didn't comment on the near-feral grin Harkness gave him in response, instead pointing to Sheppard. “You know, Colonel, sometimes I wonder if you arranged to have him land here just to make yourself look better!”
“If I only had the kind of powers you think I do.” Sheppard sighed. “Can we get to sleep now?” He shrugged his jacket over himself like a blanket. “Jack, when you have Ronon spell you, wake me up, okay?”
“Wake you? Why?”
“Concussion check,” Rodney explained, “Carson's always lecturing us about that. Don't you know the standard procedure for head wounds?” He managed to sound both dumbfounded and belittling at the same time. “You have to wake the person every couple of hours.” Then he rolled over and went to sleep, missing Jack's slight head shake.
“Okay, four hours good?” Jack asked Sheppard.
“Looking forward to it already,” Sheppard sleepily replied.
“Are you sure you do not wish me to take a watch?” Teyla added a few more sticks to the fire before settling down herself.
“Nah,” Ronon said, looking at Jack. “Harkness and I can handle it.” He laid his gun out where he could easily grab it and leaned back against the wall, falling asleep almost instantly.
“Go to sleep, Teyla,” Harkness whispered, his voice barely carrying over Rodney's snores. “It'll be fine.”
Daylight was barely making its way into the cave the next morning when Ronon shook Sheppard awake. “Time for another concussion check, Sheppard.” Sheppard awoke instantly, first looking over at his sleeping teammates. He jumped to his feet as soon as he realized Jack wasn't in the cave. “It's okay.” Ronon put a steadying hand on Sheppard's shoulder. “Harkness went out on reconnaissance a few hours ago. He's checked in a few times.”
“But he had first watch.” Sheppard vaguely remembered Jack waking him for a concussion check during the night. “And he sat next to me when I couldn't fall back asleep.” The Captain had started telling him a story, something about a waitress, a nun and a.... Sheppard blushed remembering it.
“Harkness has quite a few interesting stories to share, doesn't he?” Ronon commented dryly and pretended not to notice the other man's discomfort. “He lay down for a bit and then said he had a plan and took off down the path.” He shrugged. “Seemed to know what he was doing.”
“Great. Just great.” Sheppard tiredly rubbed his hand over his face. “First a team member dies and then he comes back to life and then he disappears. This mission could be going better.”
Ronon clapped Sheppard on the shoulder one last time before moving over to the dying fire. Using his boot to push dirt over it, he put it out completely. “Don't forget we also failed to set up trade relations.”
“Thanks, that's really helpful.” Sheppard picked up a small pebble and lobbed it gently at Rodney’s back. “McKay! Time to wake up!” The huddled lump mumbled and twitched in response.
“There are many more pleasant ways in which to awaken Doctor McKay, Colonel,” Teyla pointed out, as she stretched and stood up.
“Yeah,” Sheppard agreed, tossing another small rock when Rodney didn’t get up, “but this is the most fun.”
A strange noise, a cross between a huff and a whinny came from outside the cave. “All aboard who's coming aboard!” Jack called out from the path.
“Jack! What the hell?” Sheppard strode over to the entrance. “You do not abandon a team while off world. Just what did you think...” But then he saw what Jack had with him. “What are you doing with two of those camel things? Why do you have them? How did you,” he took a deep breath, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Explain. Now.” His tone of voice left no room for discussion.
The perpetual smile left Jack's face. “Oh. Right. I, well, I guess when I left I wasn't thinking about that. I mean I didn't, I'm sorry.”
Sheppard just stared at him for a moment. The others joined him in the entrance and together they looked at the Captain, and the camel creatures that were gently nuzzling his hand, in a stunned silence before Rodney spoke up, his voice still husky from sleep, “So, umm, camelish things? Why? I mean, other than being smelly and ugly they don't seem to be of much use. What the heck possessed you to go out and hunt down a camel creature thing. Let alone two of them. What for? And how?”
“Well, I got to thinking last night,” Jackbegan, stroking the necks of one the creatures, “I noticed in the village that the only camels creatures they had were male. Pashahads, I should say. They're called pashahads. So, anyway, they use the creature for everything- as a pack animal, for transportation, for food, they even use its pelt for clothing. So, I them asked about it. If it was so important to them, why didn’t they have any females? If they were breeding them they should have some of both sexes, right?” He looked up at their blank faces. “None of you wondered? Seriously?”
“We were a little busy running for our lives, Harkness,” Rodney complained.
“Well, before that then. We were in the village for over an hour before the Colonel's ill fated comment.”
“Jack.” Sheppard raised his hand. “Take a deep breath and tell us your plan. Start from the beginning.”
“Right, well, I found out from Marcob, you remember him? The handsome young man who wore that fetching green cloak? It really brought out the color of his eyes.” He ignored the noise Rodney made in response. “Anyway, I was chatting with him and I asked why all the pashahads in the village were male. At least some should be female, it's just common sense, right? Well, it turns out they don't actually breed the animals; not for lack of desire, but because they've never actually managed to successfully get their hands on a female of the species. Marcob claimed it was because the females were too hard to capture, let alone domesticate. Which is silly, really. All these lovely ladies wanted was someone to treat them the right way.” Sheppard couldn't help but notice that the pashahad Jack was petting was practically purring, or snuffling, or making some sort of contented noise at least. “I know Atlantis is always on the look out for trading partners, desperate for them in fact, so I thought, maybe we could smooth things over with these people.” Harkness drifted off, unsure of how to interpret the silence of the others. “I don't really sleep, but Ronon insisted on taking a watch so I figured, why not take advantage of that time and try to convince one of these fantastic creatures into helping us out? Err... So, how's the head, Sheppard? Any dizziness? Headache?”
Sheppard gingerly touched the bandage on his forehead. “I'm fine. Or, I was fine until I tried to follow your explanation anyway.” He tentatively reached a hand out to let the pashahads sniff him. He kept his tone light when he finally spoke again, “Jack, what if you'd been caught or killed? Or, well, okay, not killed, but hurt? We didn't know where you'd gone or what you were doing.” The creature on the right seemed to accept him and butted his palm over and over with its snout, as if asking for a pet. When Sheppard started to stroke it lightly it calmed down some. “You're a member of my team, my responsibility, and what we learned yesterday isn't going to change that, nothing will.”
Rodney started to follow Sheppard's lead and leaned forward to pet one of the creatures, but it snapped at him and he jumped back. He would have fallen over had Ronon not reached out to steady him. Teyla had to hide her laughter behind her hand.
“Not a word, Colonel,” Rodney warned, gesturing wildly at Sheppard. “Not a word!”
Jack buried his fingers in the soft pelt. “You're right, John.” He rested his forehead against the beast for a moment, inhaling its musky sent. “Sorry, I... just sorry.”
“Eh,” Sheppard said dismissively, “that's okay, it was a great idea. Now we can make nice with the villagers and maybe walk away with a decent trade agreement which will thrill Elizabeth to no end, and maybe get her off my back for that incident with the,” he cleared his throat loudly, “right, well, that was before your time. Never mind.” He looked over at the other members of his team. “What do you guys think. Will Jack's plan work?”
Ronon just shrugged. Negotiations were not remotely his forte. “It'd be easier to get back to the Stargate if they aren't throwing things at us.”
“That is very true, Ronon,” Teyla said. “It is quite possible that the village chieftain might be willing to accept these pashahads to make amends for the earlier perceived insult against his daughter.” She politely refrained from looking at Sheppard as she mentioned the reason behind the mad dash through the woods.
“The chieftain's wife seemed to like me,” Jack commented, ignoring Rodney's snort. “Maybe I should be the one to do the negotiations? I know normally the Colonel should be the one to take the reins on something like this, but all things considered, well...”
“It's not a bad idea if you do it, especially since these pasha...uhh, camel things seem quite taken with you,” Sheppard interrupted. He slung his pack over his shoulder. “All right team, grab your gear, we're heading out!”
They watched as Jack murmured gently to the two creatures, “Come on Sweet Pea, turn around Honey Bun, we gotta get you two lovely ladies to your new home.” By talking softly to them and stroking them lightly along their necks and flanks he got them to turn around and make their way back down the path. Despite what the villagers claimed about the female pashahads they seemed to have no qualms about listening to Jack and followed him willingly.
“Like I said before,” Rodney whispered to Sheppard as they walked a few feet behind Jack, “he is just like you, but a thousand times more Kirk-like than you'll ever hope to be!”
“I am not Kirk-like!” Sheppard hissed back, carefully making his way through the brush and bramble.
“Oh, come on Colonel,” Rodney shot back, “what about Chaya and that whole 'sharing' thing. And then there was...” however he broke off before expounding further when he saw Harkness give a quick handsignal up ahead. “Oh great, what now?” he muttered.
Sheppard slipped up the path to where Harkness had halted the animals. “Jack?” Taking a quick look around he didn't see anything that should have caused the other man to stop.
“Up ahead, see that branch?” Jack pointed to a sickly tree further down the path. One branch was hanging from it at an odd angle. “It wasn't broken like that when I passed by it on my way back to the cave.”
“Good eye. See anything else?”
He looked around carefully. “No, but the hairs on the back of my neck are telling me something's up.”
Sheppard grunted in reply. When a soldier's gut told him something was wrong, more often than not it turned out to be correct. Only an idiot didn't take that sort of warning seriously. He turned around and gestured for Ronon to join them.
Silently Ronon moved up until he was just behind the waiting pashahads. Using hand signals Sheppard ordered Ronon to scout up ahead on the left side of the trail while he would go up on the right. Motioning to Teyla, she took up guarding their flank while Rodney got in position next to Jack and the animals.
Jack reached out to stroke them and keep them calm. “Shh, it's okay Sweet Pea. Just relax Honey Bun. Uncle Sheppard is just making sure everything's safe before we walk some more.” He gave them each a scratch on their snouts. “You two lovely ladies are being so good about this.”
“Sweet Pea? Honey Bun?” Rodney shook his head. “You are completely insane, Harkness.”
“Everyone likes to be appreciated, McKay, especially women,” Harkness replied, continuing to stroke the animals. “You should try it sometime. You attract more flies with honey, or so the saying goes.” He drew his gun at the sound of a leaf crunching up ahead, but relaxed when Ronon came out of the brush. Ronon gave them a simple head shake before turning to keep an eye out for Sheppard.
A few moments later Sheppard emerged from the trail with a similar shake of the head. “Damn, I must be losing my touch,” Harkness muttered.
“No,” Ronon replied. “Someone came through this way. Five or six people actually, they're just not here any more.”
“Can you tell which direction?” Harkness asked, trusting Ronon's interpretation of the trail.
Ronon pointed in the direction they were walking. “Looks like they were heading to the village.”
“Great,” Sheppard sighed, running his hand through his hair. “Maybe we should rethink this.”
“We can not be certain that it is something to worry about, Colonel,” Teyla said. “Perhaps it was just a search party returning. Now that we are bearing gifts we are quite likely to be welcomed into the village, whether or not there are other strangers there.”
“Right, because positive thinking has gotten us so far in the past,” Rodney muttered.
“Now, now,” Sheppard waved his hand dismissively, “there's a first time for everything. Besides, we never had Jack with us before. He could flirt his way out of a gunny sack!”
“Why Colonel Sheppard, you promised you would keep that little incident just between the two of us.” Jack batted his eyelashes at Sheppard suggestively. “Unless you were asking for a repeat performance?”
McKay turned bright red. “Look, if you two don't mind can we cut out the sexual innuendos and focus on being able to gain access to the village Stargate? I'd like to go home sometime today if possible, be able to take a shower and maybe get some real food. Some of us have, hey!” He yelped suddenly as one of the pashahads craned its long neck around and snuffed noisily in Rodney's face. “Leave me alone!” It regarded him for a second before licking his forehead. “I am not food! Cut that out Honey Pie, err, Sweetie Bun ummm.” The animal ignored Rodney's failing arms and continued to lick his head. “Captain, help! Get your evil creature thing off me!”
Sheppard just laughed at his friend’s predicament. “You always did have a way with the ladies, Rodney.”
“Come here, Honey Bun,” Jack crooned, scratching the pashahad under its chin. “Time to leave Uncle Rodney alone now. Besides, anyone that crabby probably doesn’t taste very good.”
“Crabby? I am not crabby! I just don’t want to be camel food. How does that make me crabby?”
“Rodney!” Sheppard warned, his patience getting thin.
“Relax, McKay!” Jack took the camel’s head in his hands and crooned, “You’re just demonstrating your affection, aren’t you? That’s my little sweetheart.”
“She is not a sweetheart! She snapped at me earlier. Besides, I still say she’s trying to eat me.”
“No, it was Sweetie Pie who snapped before, Honey Bun’s the one that likes you.”
“Whatever! Now can we please go make nice with the villagers and get off this godforsaken planet?”
“This planet’s not so bad,” Ronon commented. “It’s not raining.”
“Or snowing,” Teyla added.
“Scenery’s nice,” Harkness drawled, gesturing at the flowers and trees. “And the wildlife’s friendly.” He petted Honey Bun and Sweet Pea as he spoke.
“Right, so other than being chased by crazed villagers who tried to kill us this is the perfect vacation spot. Wait, they did kill us. Well, one of us. Luckily it was the one of us that doesn’t stay dead.” Rodney shook his head, confused. “Can we go now?”
Ronon went out ahead on point, followed by Rodney, then Sheppard, Jack and the pashahads with Teyla taking up the rear. Other than when Sweet Pea tried to nibble Sheppard’s sleeve and accidentally nipped him, the trip down the path towards the village was uneventful.
They stopped just out of sight of the village. “So what’s the plan?” Ronon asked, hunkering down behind a bush and keeping an eye on the path.
Sheppard, Rodney and Teyla joined him there. “Jack’s going to take the lovely ladies down to the village and try to make nice with the chieftain. Hopefully he can get us access to the Stargate and maybe even set up trade relations.” He looked over at Jack, eying him carefully before continuing. “No more flirting than necessary now, you hear me?”
“Than necessary, right? No flirting more than necessary.” He grinned as he stressed those two words. “Aye, aye, Colonel!” He somehow managed not to burst out laughing when Sheppard closed his eyes and put his head in his hands in response.
“I should have worded that better,” Sheppard muttered.
Jack led Honey Bun and Sweetie Pie toward the village. “I’ll be back!” He called over his shoulder. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”
“Is there anything he wouldn’t do?” Rodney whispered as they watched Jack disappear down the path.
“Probably not much,” Ronon replied, a big grin on his face.
“I really don’t want to think about it! That man is not normal. I mean, beyond that whole not dying thing, which certainly isn’t normal. Coming back from the dead is in no way normal. Oh, you know what I mean. Quit looking at me!” Rodney threw himself down on the ground and leaned up against a tree. He pointed at Sheppard, “Not a word, Colonel! Not a word.” And then he closed his eyes, probably trying to get in a quick cat nap.
“Colonel, how is your head?” Teyla touched him gently on the arm to get his attention when he didn’t acknowledge her right away. “May I check the bandage?”
“What?” He pulled his gaze from the path “Yeah, sure. Got nothing else to do but wait.” Sheppard sat down so Teyla could get a better look at the wound on his head. However, he kept glancing in the direction Harkness disappeared.
“You worried?” Ronon finally asked.
Sheppard rubbed a hand over his face. “I don’t like sending my people in without backup. I mean, I know it’s Jack, and everything he can do, but still. I should be there with him.”
Teyla halted her ministrations to look Sheppard in the eye. “Despite how Captain Harkness acts he will take this task very seriously. And he is quite the warrior, adept in many different fighting techniques. I am sure he will be fine.”
“And there’s that can’t die thing of his, that’s gotta help,” Rodney added, without even opening his eyes. “Or is it that he doesn’t stay dead? Did we ever decide what the proper semantics of his talent wound up being?”
“Yeah, I know.” Sheppard craned his neck to look down the path again. “It’s just...”
“He will be fine, Colonel,” Teyla reassured him as she rebandaged his wound.
Ronon stood up. “Why don’t I sneak up to the tree line that’s just outside the village perimeter? I can keep an eye on things, be nearby to lend a hand if he needs help..”
Sheppard smiled, relaxing slightly. “Great idea Ronon, thanks. That’ll be perfect.” He looked over at Rodney, who by all appearances was back asleep, and then to Teyla. “I guess now we wait.” He let his grip on his P-90 loosen slightly so it rested in his lap. “We wait and let Jack do his thing.”
Five hours later...
“Incoming wormhole!” Elizabeth heard the announcement as she stepped into the control room. “It’s Colonel Sheppard’s IDC, Ma’am.”
“Lower the shield,” she ordered and walked down to greet the incoming team.
Ronon came through the wormhole first, carrying a very large and intricately carved staff. Teyla was next, wearing a wreath of woven flowers on her head. Rodney and Sheppard were lugging an overloaded basket of fruit between them, Sheppard laughing while Rodney complained about its weight. Jack came last; he was sporting a bright green cloak and looked quite pleased with himself.
“Hey there, Elizabeth,” Sheppard said when noticed her standing there. He passed the basket off to the marines that came forward to collect it. “What a beautiful planet. We had a great time, and made some new friends, and I think you’re going to be really happy with the trade partnership I set up.” Jack cleared his throat loudly. “We set up,” Sheppard continued, quickly. “The team. We, okay?” He looked back as Jack laughed. “Unfortunately, we got off to a bit of a shaky start with the locals, but things worked out in the end.”
“Excellent,” she replied, “so your new team arrangement worked out all right?”
“Oh yeah,” Sheppard said as they were leaving the room, “couldn’t have been better. We’ll tell you all about it during our report after the post mission check-up.”
“All?” Jack asked, once the team were on their own in the hall.
“Well, as much as she needs to know.” Sheppard clapped the other man on the shoulder. “You worry too much, Jack! Besides, you never did tell us just how you managed to get that cloak!”
Jack gave devilish grin and waggled his eyebrows, “Well, if you must know...”
“No!” Rodney threw up his hands. “I don’t want to hear this!” He ran ahead, fleeing into the safety of the infirmary, the laughter of his team echoing behind him.
If you'd like to read more stories in the Pants!verse stories that follow this one they are:
The Weapons Test- Jack and Elizabeth have a talk, rated G, 100 words
The Stick Dance- While sparring Jack breaks Teyla's sticks, rated G, 1154 words
Electrocution Isn't As Fun As You'd Think...- Rodney's found a guinea pig for science in Jack, rated G, 100 words
Revenge Can Be Sweet- Radek and Jack bond over their annoyance of Rodney, rated G, 100 words
Trust's Fine Line- Jack trusts Carson, up to a point, rated G, 100 words
Physician, Heal Thyself- Jack tries to help Carson get through a rough day, rated G, 493 words
Sacrifices- An away mission goes badly and Jack chooses his own unique way to save Teyla, rated PG, 580 words
Flying The Friendly Skies- Jack, John and a shared passion, rated G, 300 words
The Intake Interview Sam thought she knew what she was getting into when she took over Atlantis. Then she met Jack, G, 413 words
Creative Writing For Dummies- Sometimes Sheppard hated Jack Harnkess, mostly due how complicated paperwork became after he arrived, G, 100 words
The Games People Play- Many people believe that the games they play say a lot about a person.
Pairing/Rating/Warning: none, rated PG, contains spoilers for SGA through S2
Word Count: 11878 total (Part Two 5474)
Betas: The wonderful jadesfire2808 and _medley_
Summary: Colonel Sheppard's team gets into hot water off world when he accidently insults a village chieftain's daughter. Can their new teammate, Captain Jack Harkness, get them out of it?
Author's Note: Crossover between Torchwood and Stargate: Atlantis. Written for karaokegal "Come as You Aren't Halloween Party."
Author's Note 2: This story is set at some unspecified time after TW's S1, but immediately after SGA 2x13, "Critical Mass" and had to be split in two parts to post at livejournal.
Author's Note 3: The wondeful art was made by _medley_, whom I can not thank enough!!!
Part One
When Ronon and Rodney returned to the cave a few minutes later probably the last sound they expected to hear was laughter. In fact it was so unexpected that Ronon entered slowly, his weapon drawn.
“So then,” Jack was saying over the others' laughter, “I slowly turn around and that's when I see the tusks. Tusks! And there we are, naked... Oh, hey Ronon. McKay. You hide our trail?”
“You're not telling the story about the twin acrobats again are you, because...” Rodney trailed off suddenly as he realized what he was seeing. “Harkness? You're okay! How are you okay?” He glanced over at Teyla, who was getting a small fire going, and at Sheppard, lounging against the wall and leaning slightly against Jack for support.
Ronon said nothing, but kept his weapon trained on the Captain. He cocked an eyebrow, “Sheppard?” he asked.
“It's all right, Ronon. Put it down.” Ronon complied, lowering the gun, but made no move to holster it. “Long story short, Jack died but got better. And now he's going to tell us how.”
“Oh, okay.” Rodney shook his head as he processed what Sheppard said. “Wait, what?!?!”
Sheppard held up his hand. “First things first, the trail?”
Ronon smiled. “They won't find us,” his tone implying how certain he was of that.
“Good.” Sheppard motioned at the others to sit before poking Harkness. “Floor's all yours, Jack.”
“Right.” Jack looked briefly at the others, seeing that he had their undivided attention. “I suppose the simplest explanation is that I can't die, or I suppose I should say that I don't stay dead..”
“Can't die, stay dead...wh..wh..what's the difference?” Rodney stuttered.
“Semantics.”
“I'm with Rodney. I still say there isn't much of a difference between the two,” Sheppard commented.
“Hey, semantics are important. You could appreciate the aroma of your lover's perfume or hate the reek of those camel-things in the village, but without semantics they'd both just stink.”
Sheppard laughed. “Okay, got me there.” There was a momentary silence. “Jack,” he prodded, “you were saying...”
“Well, it's a rather long story. There was this big fight, one of those fate-of-the-world sort of battles.” He gestured wildly with his hands. “Suddenly, there I was, last man standing with three of the enemy approaching. Death by extermination. And I was killed. Should have been all she wrote, but this girl, a friend of mine, had touched a device she shouldn't have and absorbed its powers. She used it to bring me back to life, but couldn't control it. She brought me back for good.” He sighed, absentmindedly rubbing his cheek with the back of his hand. “Well, I guess it wasn't that long a story after all.”
“That's it?” Sheppard asked.
“That's it.” Jack shrugged. “Now you know as much as I do.”
“A little more explanation would be nice,” Rodney grumbled. “What was the device? How did it work? How long did you stay dead? How do you heal? What happens...”
“Rodney!” Sheppard called out, putting a halt to the endless stream of questions.
“Have you died many times Captain Harkness?” Teyla quietly asked, not looking up from the canteen she was carefully heating next to the fire.
The grin on the Captain's face faded. “Yes.” It was an atypically succinct answer for such a usually verbose man, but no one questioned him on it.
Sheppard, still leaning slightly against Jack, looked over and regarded the other man carefully for a moment. “That's why you didn't want us to leave your body behind, because you knew you'd be coming back?” He felt, rather than saw, the quick nod and hitch in the other man's breathing. “Someone left you behind.” It was a statement, not a question. “Well, we're not going to do that.” There was a reassuring certainty and finality to his tone. Then he changed the subject. “Teyla, is that berry tea stuff ready for me yet?”
“Not quite yet, Colonel.”
Rodney opened his mouth to speak, but then shut it again quickly. He looked worriedly from Jack to Sheppard and back again, bit his lip, started to say something, but then stopped. Eventually Jack started laughing. “McKay, you're going to explode if you don't come out and ask whatever it is you're wondering about.”
“Wait, just wait a second,” Sheppard interrupted, halting Rodney before he could begin his interrogation. “Everything Jack says stays here, between us.” He looked at the others carefully. “No one on Atlantis needs to know any of this, understood? No one.” Ronon, McKay and Teyla all nodded.
McKay looked as if he had hundreds of questions to ask and he tapped a finger against his mouth repeatedly before finally settling on one, “Do you heal faster than normal?”
“Not if it doesn't kill me, no. If you were to shoot me in the leg it'd take just as long for me to heal as it would anyone. Not that I have a burning desire to demonstrate that for you or anything. But if it's a mortal injury I'll heal.”
“How long does it take?” Rodney leaned forward, obviously enthralled.
“To heal?” McKay nodded. “It depends on how bad the damage I took was. The shortest amount of time might be a couple of minutes. Once it was three days.” Jack looked over to Ronon, who was leaning up against the cave entrance, keeping one eye on the Captain and the other on the path. “Ronon? You have anything you need to say? To ask me?”
The Satedan simply shrugged. “None of my business.”
Jack smiled slightly at the terseness of the response, it was typical for Ronon. “Teyla?”
Teyla was straining the heated berry mixture by pouring it from one canteen through a piece of cloth and into another canteen. She did not look up from her work, but instead cocked her head and said, “You are still the same man you were yesterday. The only thing that has changed is that you are now that much more a formidable ally.” She put down the empty canteen, and stood up. “Here is that tanatha berry tea I promised you, Colonel. It should help with your dizziness.”
Sheppard warily accepted the canteen, shifting so he was sitting up a little straighter. “Thanks, Teyla.” His experience with native treatments left a lot to be desired. However, the berry infusion didn't smell that bad, and the dizziness was annoying so he grudgingly took a sip. “Hmmm.” His eyebrows raised slightly. “Not bad.”
Jack laughed. “High praise, coming from you.” Now that Sheppard wasn't leaning on him anymore he got up, groaning slightly. He stretched, fingers brushing against the ceiling of the cave. Probably feeling McKay's eyes on him he commented, “Coming back from the dead isn't as easy as it used to be.” Then he laughed at McKay's flustered reaction. “And the headache's not much fun either. I must be getting old.”
“Wait a second,” Sheppard said, pausing to take a long sip and eying Jack carefully over the canteen. “Your trip through the rift, it wasn't as easy as you made it out to be, was it? Back then, all you mentioned was a killer headache and how the airbags didn't deploy. But, I mean, we all saw your SUV fall out of the sky and crash onto the planet but there wasn’t a scratch on you. How could we not have realized it earlier?” He gestured at Jack accusingly with the canteen. “Going through the rift killed you, didn't it?”
Jack didn't blink, just unashamedly answered, “Either the trip or the crash did, yes.”
“That's why you were still in the vehicle when we got there, not because you were out cold, or because you were trapped, but because you’d been dead?” McKay's voice got higher and higher until he nearly squeaked.
Jack managed to look slightly contrite. “Sorry.”
“No, no, no, that makes sense. I mean, really, the sheer magnitude of...”
“McKay!” Sheppard practically shouted. He pointed to the bandage on his head. “Head wound, remember? What have I said about random scientific babbling when I have a headache?” Rodney started to fluster about before Sheppard held up his hand. “Besides, it's about time for some dinner, right? You hungry?” Offering food to Rodney was always a way to stop him from talking; Rodney never turned down a chance to eat.
The team made quick work of diving into their MREs. Ronon and Jack took turns guarding the cave entrance, although Jack had pointed out, “If they do find us we're kind of screwed anyway, no place to run and only limited firepower.” However, since no one seemed to have a snappy comeback, or a solution, so he let the matter drop.
“We'll bed down here for the night,” Sheppard ordered, cutting off Jack's complaint with a dismissive, “some cover is better than none, Jack. I'll take the first watch.”
Jack snorted in response. “Oh no, you will not. You're injured.”
“I'm also in command here, Captain. So what I say goes.”
“Officially speaking-wise, only McKay here is directly under your command, and I'm not even sure about that, him being a civilian and all. But either way, Ronon, Teyla and myself are merely attached to Atlantis.” Jack walked over and bent down to look Sheppard directly in the eye. “You need to learn to pick your battles, Colonel. Do you really think this is one you stand a chance of winning?”
Sheppard looked at Jack, then past him to Ronon and Teyla, both of whom stood a bit straighter and squared their shoulders under his gaze. He grinned slightly at what his team would mutiny over. “Okay, okay, okay! Fine! It's not like the three of you sleep much anyway!” He waggled a finger at them. “But, if we're still off world tomorrow I am taking a watch, and don't any of you try to stop me! Hey,” he pointed at Jack, “wipe that smile off your face, buster!”
“Yes, sir!” Jack snapped to attention and saluted, causing Rodney to burst out laughing. Jack held the salute, turned slightly to face the others and winked, which only resulted in Ronon and Teyla laughing as well.
“You're a bad influence, Harkness. You know, before you came along I used to get respect from my team members.”
“I get blamed for everything,” Harkness grumbled, half-heartedly. He took the spot by the door, leaning slightly up against the cave wall and rocking on the heels of his feet. “Ronon, you want the second watch?”
“You just came back from the dead, Jack. Aren't you even the slightest bit tired?” Sheppard asked as he settled down, lying with his head on his pack.
“Nope.” Jack smiled. “I got thoughts of Marta and Martin to keep me awake.”
“Marta and Martin?” Rodney started to ask before Ronon put an arm around him, leading him to a spot near the fire.
“The acrobats, remember?” Ronon reminded him. He called over his shoulder to Jack, “Second watch's fine.”
“Oh! Right, never mind.” A flush crept over McKay's face. “You really are a deviant, Harkness. You know that, right?” He didn't comment on the near-feral grin Harkness gave him in response, instead pointing to Sheppard. “You know, Colonel, sometimes I wonder if you arranged to have him land here just to make yourself look better!”
“If I only had the kind of powers you think I do.” Sheppard sighed. “Can we get to sleep now?” He shrugged his jacket over himself like a blanket. “Jack, when you have Ronon spell you, wake me up, okay?”
“Wake you? Why?”
“Concussion check,” Rodney explained, “Carson's always lecturing us about that. Don't you know the standard procedure for head wounds?” He managed to sound both dumbfounded and belittling at the same time. “You have to wake the person every couple of hours.” Then he rolled over and went to sleep, missing Jack's slight head shake.
“Okay, four hours good?” Jack asked Sheppard.
“Looking forward to it already,” Sheppard sleepily replied.
“Are you sure you do not wish me to take a watch?” Teyla added a few more sticks to the fire before settling down herself.
“Nah,” Ronon said, looking at Jack. “Harkness and I can handle it.” He laid his gun out where he could easily grab it and leaned back against the wall, falling asleep almost instantly.
“Go to sleep, Teyla,” Harkness whispered, his voice barely carrying over Rodney's snores. “It'll be fine.”
Daylight was barely making its way into the cave the next morning when Ronon shook Sheppard awake. “Time for another concussion check, Sheppard.” Sheppard awoke instantly, first looking over at his sleeping teammates. He jumped to his feet as soon as he realized Jack wasn't in the cave. “It's okay.” Ronon put a steadying hand on Sheppard's shoulder. “Harkness went out on reconnaissance a few hours ago. He's checked in a few times.”
“But he had first watch.” Sheppard vaguely remembered Jack waking him for a concussion check during the night. “And he sat next to me when I couldn't fall back asleep.” The Captain had started telling him a story, something about a waitress, a nun and a.... Sheppard blushed remembering it.
“Harkness has quite a few interesting stories to share, doesn't he?” Ronon commented dryly and pretended not to notice the other man's discomfort. “He lay down for a bit and then said he had a plan and took off down the path.” He shrugged. “Seemed to know what he was doing.”
“Great. Just great.” Sheppard tiredly rubbed his hand over his face. “First a team member dies and then he comes back to life and then he disappears. This mission could be going better.”
Ronon clapped Sheppard on the shoulder one last time before moving over to the dying fire. Using his boot to push dirt over it, he put it out completely. “Don't forget we also failed to set up trade relations.”
“Thanks, that's really helpful.” Sheppard picked up a small pebble and lobbed it gently at Rodney’s back. “McKay! Time to wake up!” The huddled lump mumbled and twitched in response.
“There are many more pleasant ways in which to awaken Doctor McKay, Colonel,” Teyla pointed out, as she stretched and stood up.
“Yeah,” Sheppard agreed, tossing another small rock when Rodney didn’t get up, “but this is the most fun.”
A strange noise, a cross between a huff and a whinny came from outside the cave. “All aboard who's coming aboard!” Jack called out from the path.
“Jack! What the hell?” Sheppard strode over to the entrance. “You do not abandon a team while off world. Just what did you think...” But then he saw what Jack had with him. “What are you doing with two of those camel things? Why do you have them? How did you,” he took a deep breath, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Explain. Now.” His tone of voice left no room for discussion.
The perpetual smile left Jack's face. “Oh. Right. I, well, I guess when I left I wasn't thinking about that. I mean I didn't, I'm sorry.”
Sheppard just stared at him for a moment. The others joined him in the entrance and together they looked at the Captain, and the camel creatures that were gently nuzzling his hand, in a stunned silence before Rodney spoke up, his voice still husky from sleep, “So, umm, camelish things? Why? I mean, other than being smelly and ugly they don't seem to be of much use. What the heck possessed you to go out and hunt down a camel creature thing. Let alone two of them. What for? And how?”
“Well, I got to thinking last night,” Jackbegan, stroking the necks of one the creatures, “I noticed in the village that the only camels creatures they had were male. Pashahads, I should say. They're called pashahads. So, anyway, they use the creature for everything- as a pack animal, for transportation, for food, they even use its pelt for clothing. So, I them asked about it. If it was so important to them, why didn’t they have any females? If they were breeding them they should have some of both sexes, right?” He looked up at their blank faces. “None of you wondered? Seriously?”
“We were a little busy running for our lives, Harkness,” Rodney complained.
“Well, before that then. We were in the village for over an hour before the Colonel's ill fated comment.”
“Jack.” Sheppard raised his hand. “Take a deep breath and tell us your plan. Start from the beginning.”
“Right, well, I found out from Marcob, you remember him? The handsome young man who wore that fetching green cloak? It really brought out the color of his eyes.” He ignored the noise Rodney made in response. “Anyway, I was chatting with him and I asked why all the pashahads in the village were male. At least some should be female, it's just common sense, right? Well, it turns out they don't actually breed the animals; not for lack of desire, but because they've never actually managed to successfully get their hands on a female of the species. Marcob claimed it was because the females were too hard to capture, let alone domesticate. Which is silly, really. All these lovely ladies wanted was someone to treat them the right way.” Sheppard couldn't help but notice that the pashahad Jack was petting was practically purring, or snuffling, or making some sort of contented noise at least. “I know Atlantis is always on the look out for trading partners, desperate for them in fact, so I thought, maybe we could smooth things over with these people.” Harkness drifted off, unsure of how to interpret the silence of the others. “I don't really sleep, but Ronon insisted on taking a watch so I figured, why not take advantage of that time and try to convince one of these fantastic creatures into helping us out? Err... So, how's the head, Sheppard? Any dizziness? Headache?”
Sheppard gingerly touched the bandage on his forehead. “I'm fine. Or, I was fine until I tried to follow your explanation anyway.” He tentatively reached a hand out to let the pashahads sniff him. He kept his tone light when he finally spoke again, “Jack, what if you'd been caught or killed? Or, well, okay, not killed, but hurt? We didn't know where you'd gone or what you were doing.” The creature on the right seemed to accept him and butted his palm over and over with its snout, as if asking for a pet. When Sheppard started to stroke it lightly it calmed down some. “You're a member of my team, my responsibility, and what we learned yesterday isn't going to change that, nothing will.”
Rodney started to follow Sheppard's lead and leaned forward to pet one of the creatures, but it snapped at him and he jumped back. He would have fallen over had Ronon not reached out to steady him. Teyla had to hide her laughter behind her hand.
“Not a word, Colonel,” Rodney warned, gesturing wildly at Sheppard. “Not a word!”
Jack buried his fingers in the soft pelt. “You're right, John.” He rested his forehead against the beast for a moment, inhaling its musky sent. “Sorry, I... just sorry.”
“Eh,” Sheppard said dismissively, “that's okay, it was a great idea. Now we can make nice with the villagers and maybe walk away with a decent trade agreement which will thrill Elizabeth to no end, and maybe get her off my back for that incident with the,” he cleared his throat loudly, “right, well, that was before your time. Never mind.” He looked over at the other members of his team. “What do you guys think. Will Jack's plan work?”
Ronon just shrugged. Negotiations were not remotely his forte. “It'd be easier to get back to the Stargate if they aren't throwing things at us.”
“That is very true, Ronon,” Teyla said. “It is quite possible that the village chieftain might be willing to accept these pashahads to make amends for the earlier perceived insult against his daughter.” She politely refrained from looking at Sheppard as she mentioned the reason behind the mad dash through the woods.
“The chieftain's wife seemed to like me,” Jack commented, ignoring Rodney's snort. “Maybe I should be the one to do the negotiations? I know normally the Colonel should be the one to take the reins on something like this, but all things considered, well...”
“It's not a bad idea if you do it, especially since these pasha...uhh, camel things seem quite taken with you,” Sheppard interrupted. He slung his pack over his shoulder. “All right team, grab your gear, we're heading out!”
They watched as Jack murmured gently to the two creatures, “Come on Sweet Pea, turn around Honey Bun, we gotta get you two lovely ladies to your new home.” By talking softly to them and stroking them lightly along their necks and flanks he got them to turn around and make their way back down the path. Despite what the villagers claimed about the female pashahads they seemed to have no qualms about listening to Jack and followed him willingly.
“Like I said before,” Rodney whispered to Sheppard as they walked a few feet behind Jack, “he is just like you, but a thousand times more Kirk-like than you'll ever hope to be!”
“I am not Kirk-like!” Sheppard hissed back, carefully making his way through the brush and bramble.
“Oh, come on Colonel,” Rodney shot back, “what about Chaya and that whole 'sharing' thing. And then there was...” however he broke off before expounding further when he saw Harkness give a quick handsignal up ahead. “Oh great, what now?” he muttered.
Sheppard slipped up the path to where Harkness had halted the animals. “Jack?” Taking a quick look around he didn't see anything that should have caused the other man to stop.
“Up ahead, see that branch?” Jack pointed to a sickly tree further down the path. One branch was hanging from it at an odd angle. “It wasn't broken like that when I passed by it on my way back to the cave.”
“Good eye. See anything else?”
He looked around carefully. “No, but the hairs on the back of my neck are telling me something's up.”
Sheppard grunted in reply. When a soldier's gut told him something was wrong, more often than not it turned out to be correct. Only an idiot didn't take that sort of warning seriously. He turned around and gestured for Ronon to join them.
Silently Ronon moved up until he was just behind the waiting pashahads. Using hand signals Sheppard ordered Ronon to scout up ahead on the left side of the trail while he would go up on the right. Motioning to Teyla, she took up guarding their flank while Rodney got in position next to Jack and the animals.
Jack reached out to stroke them and keep them calm. “Shh, it's okay Sweet Pea. Just relax Honey Bun. Uncle Sheppard is just making sure everything's safe before we walk some more.” He gave them each a scratch on their snouts. “You two lovely ladies are being so good about this.”
“Sweet Pea? Honey Bun?” Rodney shook his head. “You are completely insane, Harkness.”
“Everyone likes to be appreciated, McKay, especially women,” Harkness replied, continuing to stroke the animals. “You should try it sometime. You attract more flies with honey, or so the saying goes.” He drew his gun at the sound of a leaf crunching up ahead, but relaxed when Ronon came out of the brush. Ronon gave them a simple head shake before turning to keep an eye out for Sheppard.
A few moments later Sheppard emerged from the trail with a similar shake of the head. “Damn, I must be losing my touch,” Harkness muttered.
“No,” Ronon replied. “Someone came through this way. Five or six people actually, they're just not here any more.”
“Can you tell which direction?” Harkness asked, trusting Ronon's interpretation of the trail.
Ronon pointed in the direction they were walking. “Looks like they were heading to the village.”
“Great,” Sheppard sighed, running his hand through his hair. “Maybe we should rethink this.”
“We can not be certain that it is something to worry about, Colonel,” Teyla said. “Perhaps it was just a search party returning. Now that we are bearing gifts we are quite likely to be welcomed into the village, whether or not there are other strangers there.”
“Right, because positive thinking has gotten us so far in the past,” Rodney muttered.
“Now, now,” Sheppard waved his hand dismissively, “there's a first time for everything. Besides, we never had Jack with us before. He could flirt his way out of a gunny sack!”
“Why Colonel Sheppard, you promised you would keep that little incident just between the two of us.” Jack batted his eyelashes at Sheppard suggestively. “Unless you were asking for a repeat performance?”
McKay turned bright red. “Look, if you two don't mind can we cut out the sexual innuendos and focus on being able to gain access to the village Stargate? I'd like to go home sometime today if possible, be able to take a shower and maybe get some real food. Some of us have, hey!” He yelped suddenly as one of the pashahads craned its long neck around and snuffed noisily in Rodney's face. “Leave me alone!” It regarded him for a second before licking his forehead. “I am not food! Cut that out Honey Pie, err, Sweetie Bun ummm.” The animal ignored Rodney's failing arms and continued to lick his head. “Captain, help! Get your evil creature thing off me!”
Sheppard just laughed at his friend’s predicament. “You always did have a way with the ladies, Rodney.”
“Come here, Honey Bun,” Jack crooned, scratching the pashahad under its chin. “Time to leave Uncle Rodney alone now. Besides, anyone that crabby probably doesn’t taste very good.”
“Crabby? I am not crabby! I just don’t want to be camel food. How does that make me crabby?”
“Rodney!” Sheppard warned, his patience getting thin.
“Relax, McKay!” Jack took the camel’s head in his hands and crooned, “You’re just demonstrating your affection, aren’t you? That’s my little sweetheart.”
“She is not a sweetheart! She snapped at me earlier. Besides, I still say she’s trying to eat me.”
“No, it was Sweetie Pie who snapped before, Honey Bun’s the one that likes you.”
“Whatever! Now can we please go make nice with the villagers and get off this godforsaken planet?”
“This planet’s not so bad,” Ronon commented. “It’s not raining.”
“Or snowing,” Teyla added.
“Scenery’s nice,” Harkness drawled, gesturing at the flowers and trees. “And the wildlife’s friendly.” He petted Honey Bun and Sweet Pea as he spoke.
“Right, so other than being chased by crazed villagers who tried to kill us this is the perfect vacation spot. Wait, they did kill us. Well, one of us. Luckily it was the one of us that doesn’t stay dead.” Rodney shook his head, confused. “Can we go now?”
Ronon went out ahead on point, followed by Rodney, then Sheppard, Jack and the pashahads with Teyla taking up the rear. Other than when Sweet Pea tried to nibble Sheppard’s sleeve and accidentally nipped him, the trip down the path towards the village was uneventful.
They stopped just out of sight of the village. “So what’s the plan?” Ronon asked, hunkering down behind a bush and keeping an eye on the path.
Sheppard, Rodney and Teyla joined him there. “Jack’s going to take the lovely ladies down to the village and try to make nice with the chieftain. Hopefully he can get us access to the Stargate and maybe even set up trade relations.” He looked over at Jack, eying him carefully before continuing. “No more flirting than necessary now, you hear me?”
“Than necessary, right? No flirting more than necessary.” He grinned as he stressed those two words. “Aye, aye, Colonel!” He somehow managed not to burst out laughing when Sheppard closed his eyes and put his head in his hands in response.
“I should have worded that better,” Sheppard muttered.
Jack led Honey Bun and Sweetie Pie toward the village. “I’ll be back!” He called over his shoulder. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”
“Is there anything he wouldn’t do?” Rodney whispered as they watched Jack disappear down the path.
“Probably not much,” Ronon replied, a big grin on his face.
“I really don’t want to think about it! That man is not normal. I mean, beyond that whole not dying thing, which certainly isn’t normal. Coming back from the dead is in no way normal. Oh, you know what I mean. Quit looking at me!” Rodney threw himself down on the ground and leaned up against a tree. He pointed at Sheppard, “Not a word, Colonel! Not a word.” And then he closed his eyes, probably trying to get in a quick cat nap.
“Colonel, how is your head?” Teyla touched him gently on the arm to get his attention when he didn’t acknowledge her right away. “May I check the bandage?”
“What?” He pulled his gaze from the path “Yeah, sure. Got nothing else to do but wait.” Sheppard sat down so Teyla could get a better look at the wound on his head. However, he kept glancing in the direction Harkness disappeared.
“You worried?” Ronon finally asked.
Sheppard rubbed a hand over his face. “I don’t like sending my people in without backup. I mean, I know it’s Jack, and everything he can do, but still. I should be there with him.”
Teyla halted her ministrations to look Sheppard in the eye. “Despite how Captain Harkness acts he will take this task very seriously. And he is quite the warrior, adept in many different fighting techniques. I am sure he will be fine.”
“And there’s that can’t die thing of his, that’s gotta help,” Rodney added, without even opening his eyes. “Or is it that he doesn’t stay dead? Did we ever decide what the proper semantics of his talent wound up being?”
“Yeah, I know.” Sheppard craned his neck to look down the path again. “It’s just...”
“He will be fine, Colonel,” Teyla reassured him as she rebandaged his wound.
Ronon stood up. “Why don’t I sneak up to the tree line that’s just outside the village perimeter? I can keep an eye on things, be nearby to lend a hand if he needs help..”
Sheppard smiled, relaxing slightly. “Great idea Ronon, thanks. That’ll be perfect.” He looked over at Rodney, who by all appearances was back asleep, and then to Teyla. “I guess now we wait.” He let his grip on his P-90 loosen slightly so it rested in his lap. “We wait and let Jack do his thing.”
Five hours later...
“Incoming wormhole!” Elizabeth heard the announcement as she stepped into the control room. “It’s Colonel Sheppard’s IDC, Ma’am.”
“Lower the shield,” she ordered and walked down to greet the incoming team.
Ronon came through the wormhole first, carrying a very large and intricately carved staff. Teyla was next, wearing a wreath of woven flowers on her head. Rodney and Sheppard were lugging an overloaded basket of fruit between them, Sheppard laughing while Rodney complained about its weight. Jack came last; he was sporting a bright green cloak and looked quite pleased with himself.
“Hey there, Elizabeth,” Sheppard said when noticed her standing there. He passed the basket off to the marines that came forward to collect it. “What a beautiful planet. We had a great time, and made some new friends, and I think you’re going to be really happy with the trade partnership I set up.” Jack cleared his throat loudly. “We set up,” Sheppard continued, quickly. “The team. We, okay?” He looked back as Jack laughed. “Unfortunately, we got off to a bit of a shaky start with the locals, but things worked out in the end.”
“Excellent,” she replied, “so your new team arrangement worked out all right?”
“Oh yeah,” Sheppard said as they were leaving the room, “couldn’t have been better. We’ll tell you all about it during our report after the post mission check-up.”
“All?” Jack asked, once the team were on their own in the hall.
“Well, as much as she needs to know.” Sheppard clapped the other man on the shoulder. “You worry too much, Jack! Besides, you never did tell us just how you managed to get that cloak!”
Jack gave devilish grin and waggled his eyebrows, “Well, if you must know...”
“No!” Rodney threw up his hands. “I don’t want to hear this!” He ran ahead, fleeing into the safety of the infirmary, the laughter of his team echoing behind him.
If you'd like to read more stories in the Pants!verse stories that follow this one they are:
The Weapons Test- Jack and Elizabeth have a talk, rated G, 100 words
The Stick Dance- While sparring Jack breaks Teyla's sticks, rated G, 1154 words
Electrocution Isn't As Fun As You'd Think...- Rodney's found a guinea pig for science in Jack, rated G, 100 words
Revenge Can Be Sweet- Radek and Jack bond over their annoyance of Rodney, rated G, 100 words
Trust's Fine Line- Jack trusts Carson, up to a point, rated G, 100 words
Physician, Heal Thyself- Jack tries to help Carson get through a rough day, rated G, 493 words
Sacrifices- An away mission goes badly and Jack chooses his own unique way to save Teyla, rated PG, 580 words
Flying The Friendly Skies- Jack, John and a shared passion, rated G, 300 words
The Intake Interview Sam thought she knew what she was getting into when she took over Atlantis. Then she met Jack, G, 413 words
Creative Writing For Dummies- Sometimes Sheppard hated Jack Harnkess, mostly due how complicated paperwork became after he arrived, G, 100 words
The Games People Play- Many people believe that the games they play say a lot about a person.