Super Junior; Kihae; How To Fail At Matchmaking
Title: How To Fail at Matchmaking When You’re Really, Really Trying (Not To)
Fandom: Super Junior
Pairing: Kibum/Donghae, other vague pairings
Word count: 4,301
Rating: PG-13
Summary: What the fuck?, thought Kibum. “What the fuck?” he asked.
A/N: For meitachi‘s birthday, Part 2. Posted way, way too early, because I’m just that awesome. I tied two of her requests into one, fail!fic. I should get a medal for being able to do stuff like that, really. Fluff; I can write it perhaps too well.
I apologise for the stupid Lovely Complex-esque confession scene. I liked that anime, I liked that confession scene, and if you haven’t seen it or read the manga, then that’s okay! Just pretend that I haven’t mentioned it!
“Kibum,” said Donghae, arms wrapped around Kibum’s neck in a way that would be suffocating if Kibum wasn’t so used to it. “Kibum, do you have anyone you like?”
They were playing Truth or Dare. Donghae had announced that it was going to be super special fantastic! Truth or Dare, but apparently all this had entailed was that whenever anyone picked a dare, the others got to make a drink for them, made up of any alcohol that they could get their hands on. The easily accessible alcohol had run out remarkably quickly, and back when he was sober, Ryeowook had been sent down to the store in order to get as much as he could physically carry, and then some. It was Kibum’s first turn, and he’d picked Truth, because Hankyung wasn’t making any sense anymore, Heechul was sprawled across Siwon’s lap, and Sungmin couldn’t stop giggling and the drink they would have made him drink was an interesting shade of orange, and so he wasn’t going there.
Donghae smelt of alcohol; Donghae was very close; Kibum answered the question truthfully. “Yes,” he said.
“Who?” asked Donghae brightly. Everyone who was able to looked at him with some interest. Those who weren’t able to were Yehsung (unconscious after his first, murky green drink), Sungmin (face buried in Kyuhyun’s shoulder in an attempt at stopping his laughter), and Siwon (hand over his eyes because the light was hurting them). Everyone else had had at least three turns. Kibum can be lucky when he puts his mind to it.
“That’s not how it works,” he said with a laugh. “You asked me if I liked anyone, I answered. Now you have to go onto the next person.”
“Spoilsport,” said Kangin, only it came out more like shpoilshportsh as he first slurred his words, and then Eeteuk blew on his neck.
“Next person,” said Kibum firmly, and span the bottle, and it ended up on Donghae again, who slid to the side slightly, only he was still holding onto Kibum, who had to mirror the movement in order to breathe. “Truth or dare, hyung?” he asked.
Donghae looked at the glass of whatever it was, and then back at Kibum, and said slowly and carefully, “Truth.” Everyone looked shocked at that, Kibum most of all. It was, after all, Donghae’s game, and Donghae had shouted “DARE!” every time the bottle looked like it was going to stop on him.
“Traitor!” yelled Heechul, voice loud in his inebriated state, and he waved a hand and hit Siwon in the face, hard. Hankyung leant over and looked at his nose carefully, murmuring something in Chinese, that Siwon seemed to understand, even if Heechul just snorted and pretended that he hadn’t just almost broke Siwon’s nose.
“Do you have anyone you like?” Kibum asked, because he knew that that was the only reason that Donghae had said truth - he wanted Kibum to ask him the same question. Donghae’s grin became a little smug; he also looked very drunk.
“Yes,” he said, and then looked smug, drunk, and also incredibly triumphant, as he waggled his fingers on one hand in Kibum’s face and then reached for the bottle with his other. “Next person,” he said in a terrible impression of Kibum’s voice, and span the bottle, which landed on Heechul, who drank the orange concoction quite happily. The game stopped then because Heechul promptly fell asleep right then and there, and had to be carried back to his room, as everyone tried to remember what they’d put in the drink, Hankyung poked Heechul in the face to try to get him to wake up, Siwon tried to stop him from doing it, and then the two ended up in a playful scuffle on the floor, as Eeteuk ran to the bathroom and threw up, and after that no one wanted to drink anymore.
Kibum was glad. The next time his turn came up, he would have had to have said dare, because he couldn’t risk anyone asking him who he liked, and considering they had begun emptying the bottles of liquor from the corner unit to put into their drinks, whiskey and rum and some vodka that Anya had brought as a present and which had been there for over two years (they had only drunk the rum so that Heechul could shout “But why is the rum gone?” when they ran out), the alcohol could have been so potent that it would have become quite obvious who he liked without him having to say anything.
He had hoped that everyone would have been so drunk that they wouldn’t have remembered any of the previous night, but either Donghae’s alcohol threshold was a lot higher than previously believed, or he hadn’t been as drunk as he’d appeared to be, because around mid-day the next day, when Kibum arrived at the main flat, Donghae looked at him hard and said, “Kibummie. Who is it that you like?”
Kibum blinked at him. “You remember that?” he asked, a little surprised.
“Of course I do,” said Donghae, voice a lot more bright than it should have been, judging by the way Eunhyuk groaned and buried his face in his arms at the sound of it. “I really, really, really want to know.”
“I can’t tell you, hyung,” said Kibum with a laugh. “I mean, it’s a secret crush, if I told you then it wouldn’t be a secret anymore.”
“Tell me!” said Donghae loudly, eyes wide and pleading.
“No, hyung,” said Kibum, firmly.
“Do I know the person?” Apparently Donghae had decided that they were going to play twenty questions until he got an answer. Kibum decided to answer this first one, and refuse after that. It was easier to meet Donghae halfway.
“Yes,” he said.
Donghae looked a lot more interested then. “Is she-” he started, but Heechul lifted his head from Hankyung’s lap and interrupted him in a low, dangerous tone.
“Who gives a damn about Kibum’s secret crush?” he asked, glaring at them. “Both of you, shut the fuck up.”
Donghae went very quiet very quickly. Kibum reflected that sometimes Heechul had the most glorious of timing.
Except, the problem was that Donghae refused to leave the subject alone, because a) he was Donghae, and never gave up on anything, and b) he really, really, really wanted to know, and c) he was Donghae and never gave up on anything. He kept bombarding Kibum with questions about his mystery person, constantly trying to work out who it was. After the first few days, Kibum just ignored him every time that the topic was brought up, staring at his book or television program stoically as Donghae whined at him to tell him who he liked. It took a week for Donghae to get the message, and he stopped asking Kibum; the downside to this was that he then went and started to ask everyone else if they knew who Kibum liked.
Everyone else said that they did know who Kibum liked, which was a surprise to Kibum, because to the best of his knowledge, he had not once told anyone who he liked. Luckily, everyone else refused to tell Donghae exactly who Kibum liked; unluckily, this meant that Donghae came back to Kibum to complain about the fact that he’d told everyone else and was now just leaving Donghae out. It was prejudice, said Donghae, though what exactly Kibum was prejudiced against, he didn’t quite know.
“I can’t believe you told everyone else,” said Donghae, kneeling on the floor next to Kibum’s chair and resting his head on the arm to look up at Kibum through his eyelashes. “Everyone else apart from me.”
“I didn’t tell them, hyung,” sighed Kibum. “I think they just guessed for themselves. Also, they could be lying to you.”
“Still,” said Donghae. “They all know.” He ignored the part about the lying - Donghae didn’t believe that people would lie to him. “You should tell me who you like, just so we’re all the same.” Kibum ignored him, and Donghae straightened up to push his face into Kibum’s. “Don’t you want to know who I like?” he asked with a grin.
Kibum sighed again, though inwardly, he was quite interested in the answer to that question. “Who do you like?” he asked, because it was obviously expected of him.
“I’ll tell you who I like,” said Donghae conspiratorially, “when you tell me who you like.”
“Oh well,” sang Kibum, and turned his attention back to his book, and Donghae let out a yell of frustration and stormed out of the room.
“I take it we weren’t supposed to tell Donghae that you liked him when he asked who you liked,” said Heechul, coming into the room with Hankyung five minutes after Donghae had left. Kibum glanced up at him.
“No, you weren’t supposed to tell him,” he said.
“Aren’t you going to ask how we all knew?” asked Heechul, looking a little put out.
“Something stupid, no doubt,” said Kibum without looking up. “You heard me jerking off and saying his name in the shower, no doubt, even though we both know that that never happened.”
“Actually,” said Hankyung, looking a little sheepish, “we all just sort of - guessed.”
“Yeah,” said Heechul dismissively. “But that doesn’t sound half as good as claiming that you flush red every time he comes into the room.”
“Whatever, hyung,” said Kibum.
“Don’t worry though,” said Heechul with a grin. “We’ve all decided - we’re going to help you get your girl. Or boy. Boy?” he asked Hankyung, who looked a little shocked that he was being consulted on a case of working out the right Korean, and just jerked his shoulders and shook his head. “Boy,” said Heechul. “Get your boy.”
“Whatever, hyung,” repeated Kibum.
“Fine,” said Heechul. “Be like that. You’ll be thanking me when you and Donghae are having totally hot sex.”
“Whatever, hyung,” said Kibum. “I don’t want to talk about it.” Heechul flipped him off, and then left the room, dragging Hankyung behind him, who looked like he’d have preferred to stay with Kibum, where it was quiet and calm and there was no Heechul.
Donghae caught him just as he was going to leave that night, pulling him back into the hallway by the shoulder and looking at him solemnly. “Kibum,” he said seriously. “I’ve thought about it, and I’ve realised why you won’t tell me who you like.”
“Really?” asked Kibum; he had never expected Donghae to be that perceptive. “Why?”
“Because,” said Donghae, and he took a deep breath, building up the moment. “You can’t be with her, can you? The person you like? She’s already in a relationship, isn’t she, and telling me would drag up painful emotions.”
What the fuck?, thought Kibum. “What the fuck?” he asked.
“Don’t worry,” said Donghae brightly. “I’m not going to ask you anymore. But I am going to help you get over the one you love. I’m going to matchmake you with someone else!”
“What the fuck,” said Kibum flatly, and left the apartment before Donghae could pull him back in.
Neither Donghae nor the rest of the group appeared willing to give up on him, however much he ignored their attempts. It was quite the opposite - the more he seemed to not care about the situation, the more they tried to get him to care, and it became a vicious circle where the only winner was Heechul, because he found the entire thing hilarious.
“Kibum,” said Sungmin loudly, as he got into the bus that was going to take them to the concert hall. “Kibum, you can sit next to Donghae, it’s the only seat free.” This was true, but only because everyone had piled their show stuff on all the other seats.
“Fine,” said Kibum, rolled his eyes, and sat in the seat next to Donghae, who bounced happily and tried to get his attention by poking him hard in the side.
Kibum ignored him, because he really didn’t think that he could deal with whatever Donghae had to say.
Donghae poked harder.
Kibum ignored him harder.
“Kibum!” cried Donghae into his ear. “Kibum, I have something to tell you!”
“What, hyung?” asked Kibum.
“I’m going to get you a girlfriend today,” announced Donghae, and Hankyung, sitting in the seat in front next to Siwon, looked back in some confusion, and said something to Siwon about possibly misunderstanding what Donghae had just said. Siwon, who hadn’t been listening, and had instead been watching Heechul’s attempts at getting Kangin so annoyed that he begged Eunhyuk to swap seats with him so he could sit with Eeteuk (and then Eunhyuk would sit by himself instead of sitting next to Heechul, and then Heechul could be alone and complain about how everyone hated him), just laughed slightly and ruffled his hair.
“A girlfriend,” repeated Kibum.
“Yeah,” said Donghae happily. “A girlfriend who is so great that you forget all about the one that you love whom you can’t be with.”
Kibum stared at him. “Hyung,” he said. “You are the densest, most ridiculous person on the face of this planet.”
“Thanks, Kibum,” said Donghae vaguely, having not been listening and instead watching as Kangin ended up so ticked off that he forewent the begging and instead just tried to strangle Heechul, and Donghae forgot about his plans for Kibum as he went to help everyone break up the fight before Heechul got free and used his fingernails.
“Kibum!” trilled Donghae backstage at the performance. “Kibum, come over here!”
Kibum got up from where he had been sitting in the corner of the room, and walked over to Donghae, who looked very pleased with himself, and that was never a good thing in Kibum’s opinion. He pushed a hand through his hair and motioned to the girl sitting in a chair next to him. “Kibum, you know Yoona, right?”
“Hey, Oppa,” said Yoona, and waved at him.
“Hey,” said Kibum, and raised an eyebrow at Donghae, who grinned at him.
“I’ll just let you two talk, shall I?” he said, and he bounded off before Kibum could stop him, and stole Kibum’s seat in the corner of the room, where he sat down, crossed his legs, and pretended that he wasn’t watching the two of them.
“Um,” said Yoona, looking slightly confused. “What was that about?”
“He thinks I’m heartbroken over a girl that I can never be with,” said Kibum casually as he sat down next to her, mostly for Donghae’s benefit. “So he’s trying to hook me up with someone else in the hope that I can get over it.”
“Heartbroken?” Yoona looked even more confused.
“Don’t worry,” said Kibum reassuringly. “I’m not. Donghae’s just imagining things. You should be flattered that he thinks that we’d make such a good couple.”
“It must be hard for you,” said Yoona sympathetically. “I mean, considering you like Donghae.”
“Yeah,” said Kibum. “You mean you know too?”
“We guessed,” said Yoona, looking slightly ashamed. “Sorry.”
“That’s okay,” said Kibum, and realised that as this rate, the only person who didn’t know that he liked Donghae was probably Donghae himself - which, you know, was probably a good thing. Donghae was dangerous enough without knowledge - give him some, and who knew what would happen?
Donghae was on the phone, loudly talking to the members of CSJH the Grace, trying to get one of them to go out on a date with Kibum that Friday, wandering around the kitchen and gesturing wildly with his hands as he spoke. “No,” he was saying. “No, he can’t make Saturday, because he’s going out with Tiffany then. No, noona, please? You owe me. Well, you don’t owe me, but you probably owe Heechul something, everyone owes Heechul something.” There was a long pause. “Oh,” said Donghae, deflated. “Heechul owes you.”
“This is tragic,” said Kyuhyun. “Also, highly ironic, but mostly just tragic.”
“You should just tell him,” said Eeteuk, “and put him out of his misery.”
“That would just be making it worse,” said Kibum. “I mean, I much prefer him thinking that I’m hopelessly in love with a girl far out of my reach, rather than knowing that actually, I’m in love with him, even though he’s completely insane and drives me crazy most of the time.” He paused for a second. “That reminds me,” he said, with a sigh. “Must ring Tiffany and remind her that Donghae is insane, and that I’m sorry, but I’m not going on a date with her.”
“Hey,” said Eunhyuk sharply. The entire situation pissed him off because Kibum was getting dates that he didn’t even want, whereas Eunhyuk wasn’t. “I have no sympathy for you. At least he’s not trying to sell your liver.”
Kibum reflected on this statement. Eunhyuk had a point. Donghae had needed a present for Heechul’s birthday, and had been strapped for cash; no one let him on eBay anymore. Then again; “No, he’s only trying to sell my entire body.”
“Good point,” said Eunhyuk with a wince.
“Good point, well made,” said Yehsung, and gave a round of mock applause.
They watched as Donghae hung up the phone, sighed like the weight of the entire world was on his shoulders, and flopped down onto an armchair in the main room. “Sorry, Kibum,” he called. “Dana’s busy all this week.”
Kibum ignored him.
“Hey, do you guys know who Donghae likes?” he asked - the question had been bothering him for a while - and watched as Yehsung laughed loudly, Eeteuk coughed nervously, and Shindong and Kyuhyun exchanged sly smiles.
“Yes,” said Eunhyuk, a little loftily. “But we aren’t going to tell you.”
“Donghae likes me?” Kibum asked, a little surprised. Everyone’s faces dropped, and they stared at him in shock.
“Ho - how did you guess that?” asked Eunhyuk, stammering.
“You won’t tell Donghae because it’s him,” explained Kibum. “Obviously, if you won’t tell me, then it’s me.”
“Kibum’s too clever for you lot,” said Heechul as he walked through. “Really, I don’t know what we’re even doing in this band, Kibum, when we’ve obviously got more brain cells than the rest of them put together.”
“Hyung-” began Kibum, but Heechul grabbed hold of his arm and dragged him from his seat and down the corridor into Hankyung’s room; Hankyung himself was sitting on his bed, reading a book.
“Um,” he said, staring as Heechul closed the door after him.
“Hyung,” said Kibum, a little annoyed. “Hyung, did you know that Donghae liked me?”
“Of course I did,” said Heechul, folding his arms. “What do you think I am, stupid?”
“Then why didn’t you just tell me?” asked Kibum, exasperated. “Instead of all that rubbish about getting my boy?”
“Because that’s not half as fun as watching the two of you fall over yourselves trying to keep the other from finding out,” said Heechul. “Obviously.”
“Hello?” said Hankyung, and waved a little from his bed.
“Be quiet, Hankyung,” said Heechul, without even looking at him. “Seriously, you two - I mean, isn’t it obvious?”
“You’d think so,” said Kibum. “But you know what, when you’re the one it’s supposed to be obvious to, it really, really isn’t.”
“I know everyone keeps saying that Donghae likes Kibum,” said Hankyung, a little doubtfully - he had cleared just been told to believe it - “but if that’s the case, then why is he trying to get Kibum so many dates with so many girls? Surely that suggests that he doesn’t like Kibum.”
“I don’t know,” exclaimed Heechul, throwing his arms up. “How am I supposed to know how Donghae’s mind works? I don’t think even Donghae knows how his mind works!”
Kibum, for one, agreed with Hankyung about the situation, but was also aware that he didn’t have a clue how Donghae’s mind worked either, and wasn’t any the wiser when Donghae barged into his flat later on that night, shouting about something or another, tramping rain water all over the floor as he stormed in, hair plastered to his face. Kibum blinked at him a little, and let him rant, though he was having trouble making out a word of it.
“And then Tiffany told me that you told her that you wouldn’t go out with her!” said Donghae, and that was the first thing that Kibum understood. “Why would you do that, Kibum? I’m trying to help you here, trying to help you get over your love!”
“Hyung!” said Kibum loudly, standing up and glaring at him. “Hyung, there is no girl.”
“What do you mean, there is no girl?” asked Donghae, mirroring his movements. “I thought you said you had a secret crush.”
“I do!” said Kibum. “Well, it was supposed to be secret, but everyone other than you knows about it. And there’s no girl because I’m not in love with a girl. I’m in love with a complete and utter moron, who’s too blind to see what’s in front of his eyes.”
Donghae blinked at him. “There’s no girl? Then who are you hopelessly in love with, but unable to get?”
“Hyung!” yelled Kibum, and grabbed Donghae by the collar and pulled him close to make his point quite clear. “I’m not hopelessly in love with someone who I can’t get - you made that up yourself, and I don’t know where the hell you got it from! The only reason I can’t be with the one I love is because he’s an idiot!”
“Sorry, Kibum,” said Donghae, a little cowed, and Kibum’s gaze flickered down to his lips and he pushed Donghae away, because holding him like that meant that he was far too close for safety. Donghae’s voice was soft and sincere. “I was just - I just wanted you to be happy, you know? And I was trying to help you.”
Kibum laughed softly. “It’s okay,” he said. “Do you really want to know who I like?”
“Yeah,” said Donghae quietly and seriously, and he looked a little nervous. “Yeah, I do.”
“The one I like,” said Kibum with a grin, “is a complete idiot, is the only person in the entire world, apparently, who doesn’t know that I like him, and also, he is standing in this room.”
Donghae looked behind him.
“Get a clue, idiot,” said Kibum cheerfully, and hit Donghae over the head, and went into the kitchen, so that he wouldn’t be there for when the inevitable conclusion (hopefully) hit Donghae over the head.
“Oh,” he heard Donghae say two minutes later, and then there was a strange clashing noise, and then Donghae came running to the room, flushed and happy. “You mean you like me?” he asked, smile so wide that it was almost heartbreaking.
“Duh,” said Kibum.
Donghae flung himself forward and kissed him so fervently that Kibum stumbled backwards and hit his head off the refrigerator door. He gave a muffled yelp and Donghae pulled back to grin at him sheepishly. “That didn’t go as I wanted it to,” he admitted.
“Moron,” said Kibum, putting his hands on Donghae’s waist to pull him a little closer without causing injury to either of them. “You can’t even kiss me without failing.”
“We’ll see about that,” said Donghae with a smile, and kissed him again, softer this time, fingers threaded through the hair at the back of Kibum’s head so that he could hit his head again even if he tried. “Anyway,” he said breathlessly when he’d pulled away, t-shirt bunched up around his chest and his lips swollen and red and his leg hooked up around Kibum’s knee. “You’re the one who banged your head, not me. So, really, it’s your fault.”
“You know,” said Kibum conversationally, fingers running over Donghae’s ribs. “You’re a lot less stupid when you’re kissing me. So, really, you should be quiet and continue kissing me.”
Even now, kissing Donghae (and the other things that tend to come after the kissing, the wandering hands and the groping and then the sex) is still the only thing that Kibum has found actually makes Donghae be quiet. Though he could be biased. He’s probably biased. He hasn’t bothered to look for another way.
Fandom: Super Junior
Pairing: Kibum/Donghae, other vague pairings
Word count: 4,301
Rating: PG-13
Summary: What the fuck?, thought Kibum. “What the fuck?” he asked.
A/N: For meitachi‘s birthday, Part 2. Posted way, way too early, because I’m just that awesome. I tied two of her requests into one, fail!fic. I should get a medal for being able to do stuff like that, really. Fluff; I can write it perhaps too well.
I apologise for the stupid Lovely Complex-esque confession scene. I liked that anime, I liked that confession scene, and if you haven’t seen it or read the manga, then that’s okay! Just pretend that I haven’t mentioned it!
“Kibum,” said Donghae, arms wrapped around Kibum’s neck in a way that would be suffocating if Kibum wasn’t so used to it. “Kibum, do you have anyone you like?”
They were playing Truth or Dare. Donghae had announced that it was going to be super special fantastic! Truth or Dare, but apparently all this had entailed was that whenever anyone picked a dare, the others got to make a drink for them, made up of any alcohol that they could get their hands on. The easily accessible alcohol had run out remarkably quickly, and back when he was sober, Ryeowook had been sent down to the store in order to get as much as he could physically carry, and then some. It was Kibum’s first turn, and he’d picked Truth, because Hankyung wasn’t making any sense anymore, Heechul was sprawled across Siwon’s lap, and Sungmin couldn’t stop giggling and the drink they would have made him drink was an interesting shade of orange, and so he wasn’t going there.
Donghae smelt of alcohol; Donghae was very close; Kibum answered the question truthfully. “Yes,” he said.
“Who?” asked Donghae brightly. Everyone who was able to looked at him with some interest. Those who weren’t able to were Yehsung (unconscious after his first, murky green drink), Sungmin (face buried in Kyuhyun’s shoulder in an attempt at stopping his laughter), and Siwon (hand over his eyes because the light was hurting them). Everyone else had had at least three turns. Kibum can be lucky when he puts his mind to it.
“That’s not how it works,” he said with a laugh. “You asked me if I liked anyone, I answered. Now you have to go onto the next person.”
“Spoilsport,” said Kangin, only it came out more like shpoilshportsh as he first slurred his words, and then Eeteuk blew on his neck.
“Next person,” said Kibum firmly, and span the bottle, and it ended up on Donghae again, who slid to the side slightly, only he was still holding onto Kibum, who had to mirror the movement in order to breathe. “Truth or dare, hyung?” he asked.
Donghae looked at the glass of whatever it was, and then back at Kibum, and said slowly and carefully, “Truth.” Everyone looked shocked at that, Kibum most of all. It was, after all, Donghae’s game, and Donghae had shouted “DARE!” every time the bottle looked like it was going to stop on him.
“Traitor!” yelled Heechul, voice loud in his inebriated state, and he waved a hand and hit Siwon in the face, hard. Hankyung leant over and looked at his nose carefully, murmuring something in Chinese, that Siwon seemed to understand, even if Heechul just snorted and pretended that he hadn’t just almost broke Siwon’s nose.
“Do you have anyone you like?” Kibum asked, because he knew that that was the only reason that Donghae had said truth - he wanted Kibum to ask him the same question. Donghae’s grin became a little smug; he also looked very drunk.
“Yes,” he said, and then looked smug, drunk, and also incredibly triumphant, as he waggled his fingers on one hand in Kibum’s face and then reached for the bottle with his other. “Next person,” he said in a terrible impression of Kibum’s voice, and span the bottle, which landed on Heechul, who drank the orange concoction quite happily. The game stopped then because Heechul promptly fell asleep right then and there, and had to be carried back to his room, as everyone tried to remember what they’d put in the drink, Hankyung poked Heechul in the face to try to get him to wake up, Siwon tried to stop him from doing it, and then the two ended up in a playful scuffle on the floor, as Eeteuk ran to the bathroom and threw up, and after that no one wanted to drink anymore.
Kibum was glad. The next time his turn came up, he would have had to have said dare, because he couldn’t risk anyone asking him who he liked, and considering they had begun emptying the bottles of liquor from the corner unit to put into their drinks, whiskey and rum and some vodka that Anya had brought as a present and which had been there for over two years (they had only drunk the rum so that Heechul could shout “But why is the rum gone?” when they ran out), the alcohol could have been so potent that it would have become quite obvious who he liked without him having to say anything.
He had hoped that everyone would have been so drunk that they wouldn’t have remembered any of the previous night, but either Donghae’s alcohol threshold was a lot higher than previously believed, or he hadn’t been as drunk as he’d appeared to be, because around mid-day the next day, when Kibum arrived at the main flat, Donghae looked at him hard and said, “Kibummie. Who is it that you like?”
Kibum blinked at him. “You remember that?” he asked, a little surprised.
“Of course I do,” said Donghae, voice a lot more bright than it should have been, judging by the way Eunhyuk groaned and buried his face in his arms at the sound of it. “I really, really, really want to know.”
“I can’t tell you, hyung,” said Kibum with a laugh. “I mean, it’s a secret crush, if I told you then it wouldn’t be a secret anymore.”
“Tell me!” said Donghae loudly, eyes wide and pleading.
“No, hyung,” said Kibum, firmly.
“Do I know the person?” Apparently Donghae had decided that they were going to play twenty questions until he got an answer. Kibum decided to answer this first one, and refuse after that. It was easier to meet Donghae halfway.
“Yes,” he said.
Donghae looked a lot more interested then. “Is she-” he started, but Heechul lifted his head from Hankyung’s lap and interrupted him in a low, dangerous tone.
“Who gives a damn about Kibum’s secret crush?” he asked, glaring at them. “Both of you, shut the fuck up.”
Donghae went very quiet very quickly. Kibum reflected that sometimes Heechul had the most glorious of timing.
Except, the problem was that Donghae refused to leave the subject alone, because a) he was Donghae, and never gave up on anything, and b) he really, really, really wanted to know, and c) he was Donghae and never gave up on anything. He kept bombarding Kibum with questions about his mystery person, constantly trying to work out who it was. After the first few days, Kibum just ignored him every time that the topic was brought up, staring at his book or television program stoically as Donghae whined at him to tell him who he liked. It took a week for Donghae to get the message, and he stopped asking Kibum; the downside to this was that he then went and started to ask everyone else if they knew who Kibum liked.
Everyone else said that they did know who Kibum liked, which was a surprise to Kibum, because to the best of his knowledge, he had not once told anyone who he liked. Luckily, everyone else refused to tell Donghae exactly who Kibum liked; unluckily, this meant that Donghae came back to Kibum to complain about the fact that he’d told everyone else and was now just leaving Donghae out. It was prejudice, said Donghae, though what exactly Kibum was prejudiced against, he didn’t quite know.
“I can’t believe you told everyone else,” said Donghae, kneeling on the floor next to Kibum’s chair and resting his head on the arm to look up at Kibum through his eyelashes. “Everyone else apart from me.”
“I didn’t tell them, hyung,” sighed Kibum. “I think they just guessed for themselves. Also, they could be lying to you.”
“Still,” said Donghae. “They all know.” He ignored the part about the lying - Donghae didn’t believe that people would lie to him. “You should tell me who you like, just so we’re all the same.” Kibum ignored him, and Donghae straightened up to push his face into Kibum’s. “Don’t you want to know who I like?” he asked with a grin.
Kibum sighed again, though inwardly, he was quite interested in the answer to that question. “Who do you like?” he asked, because it was obviously expected of him.
“I’ll tell you who I like,” said Donghae conspiratorially, “when you tell me who you like.”
“Oh well,” sang Kibum, and turned his attention back to his book, and Donghae let out a yell of frustration and stormed out of the room.
“I take it we weren’t supposed to tell Donghae that you liked him when he asked who you liked,” said Heechul, coming into the room with Hankyung five minutes after Donghae had left. Kibum glanced up at him.
“No, you weren’t supposed to tell him,” he said.
“Aren’t you going to ask how we all knew?” asked Heechul, looking a little put out.
“Something stupid, no doubt,” said Kibum without looking up. “You heard me jerking off and saying his name in the shower, no doubt, even though we both know that that never happened.”
“Actually,” said Hankyung, looking a little sheepish, “we all just sort of - guessed.”
“Yeah,” said Heechul dismissively. “But that doesn’t sound half as good as claiming that you flush red every time he comes into the room.”
“Whatever, hyung,” said Kibum.
“Don’t worry though,” said Heechul with a grin. “We’ve all decided - we’re going to help you get your girl. Or boy. Boy?” he asked Hankyung, who looked a little shocked that he was being consulted on a case of working out the right Korean, and just jerked his shoulders and shook his head. “Boy,” said Heechul. “Get your boy.”
“Whatever, hyung,” repeated Kibum.
“Fine,” said Heechul. “Be like that. You’ll be thanking me when you and Donghae are having totally hot sex.”
“Whatever, hyung,” said Kibum. “I don’t want to talk about it.” Heechul flipped him off, and then left the room, dragging Hankyung behind him, who looked like he’d have preferred to stay with Kibum, where it was quiet and calm and there was no Heechul.
Donghae caught him just as he was going to leave that night, pulling him back into the hallway by the shoulder and looking at him solemnly. “Kibum,” he said seriously. “I’ve thought about it, and I’ve realised why you won’t tell me who you like.”
“Really?” asked Kibum; he had never expected Donghae to be that perceptive. “Why?”
“Because,” said Donghae, and he took a deep breath, building up the moment. “You can’t be with her, can you? The person you like? She’s already in a relationship, isn’t she, and telling me would drag up painful emotions.”
What the fuck?, thought Kibum. “What the fuck?” he asked.
“Don’t worry,” said Donghae brightly. “I’m not going to ask you anymore. But I am going to help you get over the one you love. I’m going to matchmake you with someone else!”
“What the fuck,” said Kibum flatly, and left the apartment before Donghae could pull him back in.
Neither Donghae nor the rest of the group appeared willing to give up on him, however much he ignored their attempts. It was quite the opposite - the more he seemed to not care about the situation, the more they tried to get him to care, and it became a vicious circle where the only winner was Heechul, because he found the entire thing hilarious.
“Kibum,” said Sungmin loudly, as he got into the bus that was going to take them to the concert hall. “Kibum, you can sit next to Donghae, it’s the only seat free.” This was true, but only because everyone had piled their show stuff on all the other seats.
“Fine,” said Kibum, rolled his eyes, and sat in the seat next to Donghae, who bounced happily and tried to get his attention by poking him hard in the side.
Kibum ignored him, because he really didn’t think that he could deal with whatever Donghae had to say.
Donghae poked harder.
Kibum ignored him harder.
“Kibum!” cried Donghae into his ear. “Kibum, I have something to tell you!”
“What, hyung?” asked Kibum.
“I’m going to get you a girlfriend today,” announced Donghae, and Hankyung, sitting in the seat in front next to Siwon, looked back in some confusion, and said something to Siwon about possibly misunderstanding what Donghae had just said. Siwon, who hadn’t been listening, and had instead been watching Heechul’s attempts at getting Kangin so annoyed that he begged Eunhyuk to swap seats with him so he could sit with Eeteuk (and then Eunhyuk would sit by himself instead of sitting next to Heechul, and then Heechul could be alone and complain about how everyone hated him), just laughed slightly and ruffled his hair.
“A girlfriend,” repeated Kibum.
“Yeah,” said Donghae happily. “A girlfriend who is so great that you forget all about the one that you love whom you can’t be with.”
Kibum stared at him. “Hyung,” he said. “You are the densest, most ridiculous person on the face of this planet.”
“Thanks, Kibum,” said Donghae vaguely, having not been listening and instead watching as Kangin ended up so ticked off that he forewent the begging and instead just tried to strangle Heechul, and Donghae forgot about his plans for Kibum as he went to help everyone break up the fight before Heechul got free and used his fingernails.
“Kibum!” trilled Donghae backstage at the performance. “Kibum, come over here!”
Kibum got up from where he had been sitting in the corner of the room, and walked over to Donghae, who looked very pleased with himself, and that was never a good thing in Kibum’s opinion. He pushed a hand through his hair and motioned to the girl sitting in a chair next to him. “Kibum, you know Yoona, right?”
“Hey, Oppa,” said Yoona, and waved at him.
“Hey,” said Kibum, and raised an eyebrow at Donghae, who grinned at him.
“I’ll just let you two talk, shall I?” he said, and he bounded off before Kibum could stop him, and stole Kibum’s seat in the corner of the room, where he sat down, crossed his legs, and pretended that he wasn’t watching the two of them.
“Um,” said Yoona, looking slightly confused. “What was that about?”
“He thinks I’m heartbroken over a girl that I can never be with,” said Kibum casually as he sat down next to her, mostly for Donghae’s benefit. “So he’s trying to hook me up with someone else in the hope that I can get over it.”
“Heartbroken?” Yoona looked even more confused.
“Don’t worry,” said Kibum reassuringly. “I’m not. Donghae’s just imagining things. You should be flattered that he thinks that we’d make such a good couple.”
“It must be hard for you,” said Yoona sympathetically. “I mean, considering you like Donghae.”
“Yeah,” said Kibum. “You mean you know too?”
“We guessed,” said Yoona, looking slightly ashamed. “Sorry.”
“That’s okay,” said Kibum, and realised that as this rate, the only person who didn’t know that he liked Donghae was probably Donghae himself - which, you know, was probably a good thing. Donghae was dangerous enough without knowledge - give him some, and who knew what would happen?
Donghae was on the phone, loudly talking to the members of CSJH the Grace, trying to get one of them to go out on a date with Kibum that Friday, wandering around the kitchen and gesturing wildly with his hands as he spoke. “No,” he was saying. “No, he can’t make Saturday, because he’s going out with Tiffany then. No, noona, please? You owe me. Well, you don’t owe me, but you probably owe Heechul something, everyone owes Heechul something.” There was a long pause. “Oh,” said Donghae, deflated. “Heechul owes you.”
“This is tragic,” said Kyuhyun. “Also, highly ironic, but mostly just tragic.”
“You should just tell him,” said Eeteuk, “and put him out of his misery.”
“That would just be making it worse,” said Kibum. “I mean, I much prefer him thinking that I’m hopelessly in love with a girl far out of my reach, rather than knowing that actually, I’m in love with him, even though he’s completely insane and drives me crazy most of the time.” He paused for a second. “That reminds me,” he said, with a sigh. “Must ring Tiffany and remind her that Donghae is insane, and that I’m sorry, but I’m not going on a date with her.”
“Hey,” said Eunhyuk sharply. The entire situation pissed him off because Kibum was getting dates that he didn’t even want, whereas Eunhyuk wasn’t. “I have no sympathy for you. At least he’s not trying to sell your liver.”
Kibum reflected on this statement. Eunhyuk had a point. Donghae had needed a present for Heechul’s birthday, and had been strapped for cash; no one let him on eBay anymore. Then again; “No, he’s only trying to sell my entire body.”
“Good point,” said Eunhyuk with a wince.
“Good point, well made,” said Yehsung, and gave a round of mock applause.
They watched as Donghae hung up the phone, sighed like the weight of the entire world was on his shoulders, and flopped down onto an armchair in the main room. “Sorry, Kibum,” he called. “Dana’s busy all this week.”
Kibum ignored him.
“Hey, do you guys know who Donghae likes?” he asked - the question had been bothering him for a while - and watched as Yehsung laughed loudly, Eeteuk coughed nervously, and Shindong and Kyuhyun exchanged sly smiles.
“Yes,” said Eunhyuk, a little loftily. “But we aren’t going to tell you.”
“Donghae likes me?” Kibum asked, a little surprised. Everyone’s faces dropped, and they stared at him in shock.
“Ho - how did you guess that?” asked Eunhyuk, stammering.
“You won’t tell Donghae because it’s him,” explained Kibum. “Obviously, if you won’t tell me, then it’s me.”
“Kibum’s too clever for you lot,” said Heechul as he walked through. “Really, I don’t know what we’re even doing in this band, Kibum, when we’ve obviously got more brain cells than the rest of them put together.”
“Hyung-” began Kibum, but Heechul grabbed hold of his arm and dragged him from his seat and down the corridor into Hankyung’s room; Hankyung himself was sitting on his bed, reading a book.
“Um,” he said, staring as Heechul closed the door after him.
“Hyung,” said Kibum, a little annoyed. “Hyung, did you know that Donghae liked me?”
“Of course I did,” said Heechul, folding his arms. “What do you think I am, stupid?”
“Then why didn’t you just tell me?” asked Kibum, exasperated. “Instead of all that rubbish about getting my boy?”
“Because that’s not half as fun as watching the two of you fall over yourselves trying to keep the other from finding out,” said Heechul. “Obviously.”
“Hello?” said Hankyung, and waved a little from his bed.
“Be quiet, Hankyung,” said Heechul, without even looking at him. “Seriously, you two - I mean, isn’t it obvious?”
“You’d think so,” said Kibum. “But you know what, when you’re the one it’s supposed to be obvious to, it really, really isn’t.”
“I know everyone keeps saying that Donghae likes Kibum,” said Hankyung, a little doubtfully - he had cleared just been told to believe it - “but if that’s the case, then why is he trying to get Kibum so many dates with so many girls? Surely that suggests that he doesn’t like Kibum.”
“I don’t know,” exclaimed Heechul, throwing his arms up. “How am I supposed to know how Donghae’s mind works? I don’t think even Donghae knows how his mind works!”
Kibum, for one, agreed with Hankyung about the situation, but was also aware that he didn’t have a clue how Donghae’s mind worked either, and wasn’t any the wiser when Donghae barged into his flat later on that night, shouting about something or another, tramping rain water all over the floor as he stormed in, hair plastered to his face. Kibum blinked at him a little, and let him rant, though he was having trouble making out a word of it.
“And then Tiffany told me that you told her that you wouldn’t go out with her!” said Donghae, and that was the first thing that Kibum understood. “Why would you do that, Kibum? I’m trying to help you here, trying to help you get over your love!”
“Hyung!” said Kibum loudly, standing up and glaring at him. “Hyung, there is no girl.”
“What do you mean, there is no girl?” asked Donghae, mirroring his movements. “I thought you said you had a secret crush.”
“I do!” said Kibum. “Well, it was supposed to be secret, but everyone other than you knows about it. And there’s no girl because I’m not in love with a girl. I’m in love with a complete and utter moron, who’s too blind to see what’s in front of his eyes.”
Donghae blinked at him. “There’s no girl? Then who are you hopelessly in love with, but unable to get?”
“Hyung!” yelled Kibum, and grabbed Donghae by the collar and pulled him close to make his point quite clear. “I’m not hopelessly in love with someone who I can’t get - you made that up yourself, and I don’t know where the hell you got it from! The only reason I can’t be with the one I love is because he’s an idiot!”
“Sorry, Kibum,” said Donghae, a little cowed, and Kibum’s gaze flickered down to his lips and he pushed Donghae away, because holding him like that meant that he was far too close for safety. Donghae’s voice was soft and sincere. “I was just - I just wanted you to be happy, you know? And I was trying to help you.”
Kibum laughed softly. “It’s okay,” he said. “Do you really want to know who I like?”
“Yeah,” said Donghae quietly and seriously, and he looked a little nervous. “Yeah, I do.”
“The one I like,” said Kibum with a grin, “is a complete idiot, is the only person in the entire world, apparently, who doesn’t know that I like him, and also, he is standing in this room.”
Donghae looked behind him.
“Get a clue, idiot,” said Kibum cheerfully, and hit Donghae over the head, and went into the kitchen, so that he wouldn’t be there for when the inevitable conclusion (hopefully) hit Donghae over the head.
“Oh,” he heard Donghae say two minutes later, and then there was a strange clashing noise, and then Donghae came running to the room, flushed and happy. “You mean you like me?” he asked, smile so wide that it was almost heartbreaking.
“Duh,” said Kibum.
Donghae flung himself forward and kissed him so fervently that Kibum stumbled backwards and hit his head off the refrigerator door. He gave a muffled yelp and Donghae pulled back to grin at him sheepishly. “That didn’t go as I wanted it to,” he admitted.
“Moron,” said Kibum, putting his hands on Donghae’s waist to pull him a little closer without causing injury to either of them. “You can’t even kiss me without failing.”
“We’ll see about that,” said Donghae with a smile, and kissed him again, softer this time, fingers threaded through the hair at the back of Kibum’s head so that he could hit his head again even if he tried. “Anyway,” he said breathlessly when he’d pulled away, t-shirt bunched up around his chest and his lips swollen and red and his leg hooked up around Kibum’s knee. “You’re the one who banged your head, not me. So, really, it’s your fault.”
“You know,” said Kibum conversationally, fingers running over Donghae’s ribs. “You’re a lot less stupid when you’re kissing me. So, really, you should be quiet and continue kissing me.”
Even now, kissing Donghae (and the other things that tend to come after the kissing, the wandering hands and the groping and then the sex) is still the only thing that Kibum has found actually makes Donghae be quiet. Though he could be biased. He’s probably biased. He hasn’t bothered to look for another way.