CHAPTER 11: OF HORNS THAT MAKE EVERYONE HORNY
Author: with_rhyme
Beta: dormiensa
A/N: none
The Fantastical World of Make-Believe was alive and roaring. Muggles, witches, and wizards alike were streaming in through the gates to be a part of what was the most highly-anticipated Muggle-wizard, non-magical theme park opening of the season.
And as the Welcome Parade was due to start in less than five minutes and Snape was the harlequin leading the festivities (evident from his floppy, bell-adorned hat and the clown’s smile he had painted on), everyone was there to witness the five types of cheeses Hermione had eaten earlier in the day (not to mention a few ginger hairs) land all over the former Potions master’s fake leg.
At the sight of a Mudblood’s vomit on his finely-wrought wooden peg, Snape’s eyes grew as large as Draco’s stiffy had been earlier.
“Mordred, Granger!” He gagged, attempting to fling the former contents of her stomach towards Crabbe and Goyle, Srs, who were still holding hands as they dashed the flying flecks.
In fact, Snape was swinging around his little peg leg with such ferocity that it seemed to be… wobbling?
Hermione could not be sure, however, as the world began to swim in front of her.
“The smelling cheese! Get the smelly-sock cheese!” Harry shouted.
“No, not the sock cheese…” Hermione moaned softly from her place on the ground.
Harry waived something under her nose anyways, something that didn’t smell as much like smelly socks as something...fishy? Exotic? The strange powder that had coated itself to the outside of the cheese rind floated up to her nose, tickling it as she sneezed.
“Feel better?” Harry asked as he took her hand, helping her up off of the ground.
“I… I do,” Hermione said wonderingly, feeling the roll of her stomach begin to fade away.
“Oh, good!” Harry exclaimed. “Because… Hermione?” he ventured. “The Mighty Ducks and the Dragon Army are gathered around one of the exhibits. They refuse to start lining up for the game.”
“Why? Gathered? Gathered around what?” Hermione asked suspiciously, narrowing her eyes.
“Well, they’re, erm, rather distracted by something right now,” Harry said, looking both like he was about to start giggling and as though he’d seen something rather unforgettable.
“Distracted by what?” Hermione asked, even as her eyes began wandering towards Draco, who had just entered the room.
“Well, remember when Regulus had Diggy held up in the cheese shop ’cause he was trying to give the pandas the ground rhino horn to, you know, make them horny? I think ‘cheese-man debacle’ would be an appropriate name for it, wouldn’t you?”
“The cheese-man debacle,” Hermione repeated tonelessly, caught in a trance at the sight of Draco’s chest hair pushing out through the top of his shirt, the bottom, and the puffy middle where she knew the rest would be hiding, waiting for her…
Draco seemed to be similarly distracted by her chest, especially with the way it was heaving, caught in her corset…
“Yeah, well, apparently he did manage to give it to some of the-actually all of the pandas. And not just the pandas…”
Hermione sighed, feeling the dread well up in her chest. This was not going to be good. “What? Who else did he give it to?”
Harry shuffled his feet. “Um, all of the animals in the park?”
Hermione barely heard what she said, her desire for Draco growing almost out of control, almost as if it wasn’t in her control… The thought quickly swam away from her as she got lost in the silky shine of his hair and the hard line of his jaw.
“Hermione?” Harry prompted. “What are we going to do?”
“I… um…” Hermione could barely even think, she wanted Draco’s body so badly. He seemed to be having similar thoughts, judging by the state of his trousers and the drool that was slowly making its way down his chin.
She found herself moving towards him, Draco doing the same, until they were wrapped in each other’s arms, not caring that they were in front of the entire park, spectators abounding.
“Let’s get away from here,” he whispered in her ear.
“Yes, oh, Draco, yes please!” she said, laughing as Draco whisked her off in his arms, running to the nearest empty shop, which, as the entire crowd was gathered in along the parade line, happened to be the Ye Old Cheese Shoppe.
“Hermione!” Harry called after her. “The birds are mating with the pandas! The miniature dragons with the pygmy puffs! It’s madness! Simply madness!”
Hermione couldn’t find it in herself to care.
.o.O.o.
Hermione swam back into consciousness, the smell of cheese all around her as she began to process her surroundings. She was on the floor, on top of a blanket, with… Draco next to her?
A Draco who was suspiciously naked.
And, as she took stock, so was she.
“Dammit, Harry!” she exclaimed as she became fully aware and realized what had happened. “Buggering dried oysters, buggering ground rhinoceros horn, buggering attractive chest hair!”
“He really is a fool,” Draco drawled from beside her. “Mixing the cheese and the powder? A Slytherin would never have done that simply by accident.”
“Shut up,” she snapped as she began pulling on her clothing that had been scattered all across the cheese store. “Isn’t there some sort of disaster I’m supposed to be fixing?”
“When isn’t there?”
“Quite right,” Hermione agreed.
“At this particular moment, I believe there are all manner of animals procreating all over the park. Diggy’s having quite the time of it I hear. His animal porn business is really going to take off with all of this new footage.”
Hermione shuddered. “I do not even want to think about his clientele.”
Finally pulling all of her clothing into place, she stepped outside to face the music.
The music, in this case, being the sounds of about thirty different species of animals all going at it.
At the sight of sight of Crabbe and Goyle, Srs cooing over the sight of the increasingly raunchy pandas (was that a camera she spotted in the bushes?), Hermione abruptly threw up, once again, on Snape’s wooden leg.
“Oh, for-!” Snape swung his leg up in the air (she could have sworn she threw up on the other side of him last time…), and just as the violent swinging was about to make her throw up again, the leg popped off, sailing through the air and landing with a great clunk at Neville’s feet.
Everyone turned to look in shock at Snape, standing perfectly well on his own two feet.
Neville tentatively picked up the now-known-to-be-fake fake leg, carefully avoiding the spots that were still covered in partially-digested cheese flecks, and looked inside.
“Contraband!” Neville shouted, covering his mouth with a gasp. “This is a children’s park!”
“Contraband?” Pansy asked, covering her own mouth with a hand. “How could you! That’s hardly devious at all!”
Hermione rushed over to look inside of the hollowed-out leg and was shocked at what she found. Real wands, more of that blasted rhinoceros powder, cheese that seemed to be glowing with some sort of magic, and other vials of fluorescent liquid.
“Contraband,” Snape confirmed, hanging his head as he shuffled down the boardwalk, arms hanging heavy by his sides. Everyone looked around quizzically as, from somewhere in the park, a certain Peanuts song began to play over the loudspeakers.
“Oh, how the mighty have fallen,” Greyback intoned, still dressed in his clown costume.
“Yes,” Ron shot back, “because your balloon animals are just the picture of terror.”
“They would be if they were made out of dogs,” Greyback threw at him, “but the regulations have just gotten so blasted strict nowadays, you can hardly even use elves anymore.”
At the shocked looks of outrage that came from this statement, Greyback felt the need to elaborate. “No, you see, they make the cutest little gnome figures; you wouldn’t even believe it. Got my version mentioned on Horrible Hobbies for the Horrifically Evil one time, you know.” He sighed, resting his chin on his hand. “I used to be something.”
“Oh great,” Diggy snapped. “Now we’ve got a depressed werewolf on our hands along with everything else.”
“Yes, because none of this is your fault at all,” Hermione snapped. “Meanwhile, Snape is escaping. Go get him!” Hermione commanded the Death Eaters who had gathered around the spectacle. They all unwittingly jumped to attention, shuffling after Snape, scrabbling with, tripping, or flapping at each other.
Hermione rolled her eyes, not expecting them to capture Snape anytime soon, especially now that he had the full use of both legs.
But as she turned back around towards the line of parade floats that were slowly beginning to queue up, she couldn’t believe what she saw.
“What the-” Hermione gasped as she looked out over the crowd of people that had gathered for the Opening Ceremonies. They seemed to be under some sort of…trance?
Just when she thought that this day couldn’t get any worse.
To be continued…
Continue or ToC
Beta: dormiensa
A/N: none
The Fantastical World of Make-Believe was alive and roaring. Muggles, witches, and wizards alike were streaming in through the gates to be a part of what was the most highly-anticipated Muggle-wizard, non-magical theme park opening of the season.
And as the Welcome Parade was due to start in less than five minutes and Snape was the harlequin leading the festivities (evident from his floppy, bell-adorned hat and the clown’s smile he had painted on), everyone was there to witness the five types of cheeses Hermione had eaten earlier in the day (not to mention a few ginger hairs) land all over the former Potions master’s fake leg.
At the sight of a Mudblood’s vomit on his finely-wrought wooden peg, Snape’s eyes grew as large as Draco’s stiffy had been earlier.
“Mordred, Granger!” He gagged, attempting to fling the former contents of her stomach towards Crabbe and Goyle, Srs, who were still holding hands as they dashed the flying flecks.
In fact, Snape was swinging around his little peg leg with such ferocity that it seemed to be… wobbling?
Hermione could not be sure, however, as the world began to swim in front of her.
“The smelling cheese! Get the smelly-sock cheese!” Harry shouted.
“No, not the sock cheese…” Hermione moaned softly from her place on the ground.
Harry waived something under her nose anyways, something that didn’t smell as much like smelly socks as something...fishy? Exotic? The strange powder that had coated itself to the outside of the cheese rind floated up to her nose, tickling it as she sneezed.
“Feel better?” Harry asked as he took her hand, helping her up off of the ground.
“I… I do,” Hermione said wonderingly, feeling the roll of her stomach begin to fade away.
“Oh, good!” Harry exclaimed. “Because… Hermione?” he ventured. “The Mighty Ducks and the Dragon Army are gathered around one of the exhibits. They refuse to start lining up for the game.”
“Why? Gathered? Gathered around what?” Hermione asked suspiciously, narrowing her eyes.
“Well, they’re, erm, rather distracted by something right now,” Harry said, looking both like he was about to start giggling and as though he’d seen something rather unforgettable.
“Distracted by what?” Hermione asked, even as her eyes began wandering towards Draco, who had just entered the room.
“Well, remember when Regulus had Diggy held up in the cheese shop ’cause he was trying to give the pandas the ground rhino horn to, you know, make them horny? I think ‘cheese-man debacle’ would be an appropriate name for it, wouldn’t you?”
“The cheese-man debacle,” Hermione repeated tonelessly, caught in a trance at the sight of Draco’s chest hair pushing out through the top of his shirt, the bottom, and the puffy middle where she knew the rest would be hiding, waiting for her…
Draco seemed to be similarly distracted by her chest, especially with the way it was heaving, caught in her corset…
“Yeah, well, apparently he did manage to give it to some of the-actually all of the pandas. And not just the pandas…”
Hermione sighed, feeling the dread well up in her chest. This was not going to be good. “What? Who else did he give it to?”
Harry shuffled his feet. “Um, all of the animals in the park?”
Hermione barely heard what she said, her desire for Draco growing almost out of control, almost as if it wasn’t in her control… The thought quickly swam away from her as she got lost in the silky shine of his hair and the hard line of his jaw.
“Hermione?” Harry prompted. “What are we going to do?”
“I… um…” Hermione could barely even think, she wanted Draco’s body so badly. He seemed to be having similar thoughts, judging by the state of his trousers and the drool that was slowly making its way down his chin.
She found herself moving towards him, Draco doing the same, until they were wrapped in each other’s arms, not caring that they were in front of the entire park, spectators abounding.
“Let’s get away from here,” he whispered in her ear.
“Yes, oh, Draco, yes please!” she said, laughing as Draco whisked her off in his arms, running to the nearest empty shop, which, as the entire crowd was gathered in along the parade line, happened to be the Ye Old Cheese Shoppe.
“Hermione!” Harry called after her. “The birds are mating with the pandas! The miniature dragons with the pygmy puffs! It’s madness! Simply madness!”
Hermione couldn’t find it in herself to care.
.o.O.o.
Hermione swam back into consciousness, the smell of cheese all around her as she began to process her surroundings. She was on the floor, on top of a blanket, with… Draco next to her?
A Draco who was suspiciously naked.
And, as she took stock, so was she.
“Dammit, Harry!” she exclaimed as she became fully aware and realized what had happened. “Buggering dried oysters, buggering ground rhinoceros horn, buggering attractive chest hair!”
“He really is a fool,” Draco drawled from beside her. “Mixing the cheese and the powder? A Slytherin would never have done that simply by accident.”
“Shut up,” she snapped as she began pulling on her clothing that had been scattered all across the cheese store. “Isn’t there some sort of disaster I’m supposed to be fixing?”
“When isn’t there?”
“Quite right,” Hermione agreed.
“At this particular moment, I believe there are all manner of animals procreating all over the park. Diggy’s having quite the time of it I hear. His animal porn business is really going to take off with all of this new footage.”
Hermione shuddered. “I do not even want to think about his clientele.”
Finally pulling all of her clothing into place, she stepped outside to face the music.
The music, in this case, being the sounds of about thirty different species of animals all going at it.
At the sight of sight of Crabbe and Goyle, Srs cooing over the sight of the increasingly raunchy pandas (was that a camera she spotted in the bushes?), Hermione abruptly threw up, once again, on Snape’s wooden leg.
“Oh, for-!” Snape swung his leg up in the air (she could have sworn she threw up on the other side of him last time…), and just as the violent swinging was about to make her throw up again, the leg popped off, sailing through the air and landing with a great clunk at Neville’s feet.
Everyone turned to look in shock at Snape, standing perfectly well on his own two feet.
Neville tentatively picked up the now-known-to-be-fake fake leg, carefully avoiding the spots that were still covered in partially-digested cheese flecks, and looked inside.
“Contraband!” Neville shouted, covering his mouth with a gasp. “This is a children’s park!”
“Contraband?” Pansy asked, covering her own mouth with a hand. “How could you! That’s hardly devious at all!”
Hermione rushed over to look inside of the hollowed-out leg and was shocked at what she found. Real wands, more of that blasted rhinoceros powder, cheese that seemed to be glowing with some sort of magic, and other vials of fluorescent liquid.
“Contraband,” Snape confirmed, hanging his head as he shuffled down the boardwalk, arms hanging heavy by his sides. Everyone looked around quizzically as, from somewhere in the park, a certain Peanuts song began to play over the loudspeakers.
“Oh, how the mighty have fallen,” Greyback intoned, still dressed in his clown costume.
“Yes,” Ron shot back, “because your balloon animals are just the picture of terror.”
“They would be if they were made out of dogs,” Greyback threw at him, “but the regulations have just gotten so blasted strict nowadays, you can hardly even use elves anymore.”
At the shocked looks of outrage that came from this statement, Greyback felt the need to elaborate. “No, you see, they make the cutest little gnome figures; you wouldn’t even believe it. Got my version mentioned on Horrible Hobbies for the Horrifically Evil one time, you know.” He sighed, resting his chin on his hand. “I used to be something.”
“Oh great,” Diggy snapped. “Now we’ve got a depressed werewolf on our hands along with everything else.”
“Yes, because none of this is your fault at all,” Hermione snapped. “Meanwhile, Snape is escaping. Go get him!” Hermione commanded the Death Eaters who had gathered around the spectacle. They all unwittingly jumped to attention, shuffling after Snape, scrabbling with, tripping, or flapping at each other.
Hermione rolled her eyes, not expecting them to capture Snape anytime soon, especially now that he had the full use of both legs.
But as she turned back around towards the line of parade floats that were slowly beginning to queue up, she couldn’t believe what she saw.
“What the-” Hermione gasped as she looked out over the crowd of people that had gathered for the Opening Ceremonies. They seemed to be under some sort of…trance?
Just when she thought that this day couldn’t get any worse.
To be continued…
Continue or ToC