[LJ Idol, Season 8-3] Westleigh Facility Coprolite Exhibit
It was a beautiful sunny morning as Linda parked in front of the Westleigh Retirement Facility. The sun warmed her hair as she looked over the front of the building, admiring the well-tended landscaping and simple charm of the place. She paused, took a couple slow deep breaths, and whispered "Good first impression" before she headed in. It was the first and last time she'd smile while entering these doors.
"Hi, I'm Linda Assante, the new activities assistant?" She flashed her brightest smile at the young man behind the desk, interrupting his glassy-eyed daydream.
"Wha? Oh, sorry! Hi, yes, glad to meet you. Jack said you'd be in this morning." He waved a hand off toward the open double door to his right. "He's just starting in on this morning's physical activity regimen if you'd like to watch."
"Thank you, I think I will."
Linda approached the indicated room and leaned against the door frame, tried to stay unobtrusive while she observed their morning activites. Mr Stevens, or "Jack" as the residents called him, stood in front of about a dozen elderly individuals seated along a large, cushy bench. He worked with each person one-on-one to start, had them stand and stretch as their limits allowed. After this he moved to group exercises, low-tempo dancing and a laughing round of hokey-pokey.
While they took a seat for a breather, Linda looked around the rest of the facility from where she stood. It didn't take long for her to notice a room further down the hall with several other residents in it. They sat in a circle of leaned-back recliners and paid no attention at all to the socializing going on in the main room.
"Who are they?" she asked as she reapproached the main desk. "Why aren't they with the rest of the group?"
"Ah. You've noticed the Westleigh Facility Coprolite Exhibit."
Linda looked blankly at him, one eyebrow slightly raised. "The what?"
"Our esteemed collection of dried up old shits," he cracked with a grin.
She took a step back, eyes wide open and her hand quickly covered her mouth with a gasp. "My god! What a horrific thing to say! These people are in your care too, shunning them because of your dislike is... is... it's terrible is what it is!"
"You're right, I'm sorry. I should have let you meet them first before sharing our pet name for them."
"No, you should refrain from slandering the residents at all. And meet them is exactly what I'm going to do, and invite them to join the rest of the folks in the main room. Everyone needs to socialize, it's in our nature." With that, she strutted down the hall and out of sight.
"Ooohhhhh, I wish she wouldn't do that," he mumbled, then leaned back with a defeated sigh and a shrug.
---
"Hi there, I'm Linda. I'm the new activity assistant, and it's great to meet you all!"
She flashed her warmest, friendliest smile at them. The five occupants of the room just stared back in silence.
"Well, ok then. You all know my name now, so how about you introduce yourselves to ME? Wouldn't that be fun?"
"What'd be fun is a fifth of jack and a hooker, not this touchy-feely shit!" growled out the gentleman on her left. He sat up straight in his red plaid pajamas and glared at her. As he moved a collection of watches down his right arm jingled and clacked together, and a small notebook dropped out of his lap onto his pink rabbit slippers.
"Haaaaah! Touchy-feely hooker shit! Funny Stanley!" squealed a man on her right as he rocked forward and back, running his thumbs up and down the inner sides of his overalls.
"Shut up Chuck!" barked Stanley with a glare, "She don't need no names!"
"Chuck said Stanley so Stanley said Chuck!" he got out around a mouthful of bubbling giggles.
"Now now, no need to be rude," said Linda with her sweetest voice.
"Hah! Hah! There's no need but he has plenty of want!" cackled the lady in the middle. Linda opened her mouth to respond, but was interrupted by the fellow in a green army jacket to the right of Sarah.
"Reggie Beauregard! Sergeant, US ARMY! Four OH TWO Four ONE TWO ONE THREEEEE NINE SIX!"
Linda jumped and stared back a Reggie with a stunned look on her face. "Oh hon, you're not a prisoner here, you're..."
"REGGIE BEAUREGARD! SERGEANT! FOUR..."
"Now ya done it!" yelled Stanley. "He'll be at it all day now, and any minute now Gerard will be at it too, dammit"
Just then the final occupant sitting between Stanley and Sarah stood up with a salute. "Au chante, madame! Je tu am Gerard! Too touche avec moi soivoir! Viva resistance!"
Reggie jumped from his seat and pointed angrily at Gerard. "Shut yer hole, there ain't no resistance! And this ain't France, and your not French!"
"Hahahaaaaaah! French hole resistance!" cackled Chuck as he bounced in his chair.
"Shit Linda, you screwed the pooch on this one. You sure you're a nurse! From here you look like a stripper with those big titters of yours!"
Linda's mouth gaped open as she stared in confusion and despair at Stanley, the noise around her quickly overwhelming her.
"Those aren't stripper tits! Look at these!" yelled Sarah as she yanked up her shirt to show everyone her chest.
"Too vouley couche mi amore!"
"Sergent, US ARMY!"
"Hahahaaaah! I think I peed!"
"Your turn Linda, show them titters!"
Linda slowly backed away, arms out stiff and straight in front of her with her hands up in a warding-away gesture. The second she stepped back across the threshold of the door, she turned and bolted down the hall and out of the building.
Everyone in the room sat back down and reclined in their chairs, Stanley gathered his notebook in the process. "I wish we'd get some sort of warning before we had to break someone new in. So much easier when we don't have to improvise. Gerard, what the fuck? You don't know a lick of French! If she did you'd be busted for sure."
Gerard grinned mischeviously. "Oh calm down. Either I'm the weird old man that speaks nothing but French, or I'm the crazy old man that spouts French jibberish. Either way, game on!"
"Doesn't matter now, she went straight out the door, that was perfect!" laughed Chuck. "Three PhD's and here I sit playing dumbass so I don't have to go make macaroni ducks."
Stanley leaned in towards them all. "Alright alright, fun time is over. Sarah, you're up. Give me a mark."
Sarah thought to herself for a couple seconds while Stanley observed one of the watches on his arm. "Okaaaaayyyyyy, now."
Stanley tapped the glass bezel. "47. So divide by three you rolled a 15. Good enough, you get first initiative. You caught the goblins flat footed, so you get a bonus to attacks and spells..."
( LJ Idol Season 8, Week 3, topic: "Coprolite")