what lay beside me in the wheat fields.

[disownmereturns]

Hey guys! I'd like feedback for this. It's just a short ...thing I wrote for org application which I haven't told mum about ROFL. And if you don't mind, suggest a few titles. =3=

Oh, and tell me if this would make more impact in present or past tense. Thanks! :D

Comments

[undrscoredom2nd]

Aaagh, I feel so bad for them. : ( I like how you manage to catch the emotion & the setting without going flower-y. Also, I like it as present tense because it feels like you're right there, watching rather than looking at something that's done already, am I making sense? : 'D

(also, this might just be because it's me but I almost thought they were going to kiss. Or I think it's hinted that they are/were an Us.)

What's the org? Is this the one Nina was telling you about before? Good luck babe! I'm sure you'll get in : )

[disownmereturns]

Wee~ /rolls/ Danke, aniwe ;3; I thought there was too much going on while they were walking home but you say it works so yay~. =3= Aaaand, that's one for present tense. :'3

(dingdingding! /O/)

And yep, tis el org. Thank ye! 8'D I hope so. Either that or I hope mum is okay with me applying when I get the guts to tell her.

[undrscoredom2nd]

(Yyyeeeah~ All this subtext watching in shows has helped me develop ~serious skills~)

You can always not tell her. lol, idek. It's working with Eri. : 'D

[disownmereturns]

Huh. Hindi naman, it's not illegal or anything and it'll look good on my resume. Chaka makakatulong siya sa studies ko (sana). Mum just doesn't want me orging is el problem. =3=

[meicdon13]

I see a few mistakes grammar-wise (or at least I think I do), but the overall thing is really nice. Present tense works better for me for these kinds of fic.

Is this for Babaylan?

[disownmereturns]

Are they in the dialogue? :'3

Thank you! *squish* And that's two for present tense. X'D

LOL naw. For Writer's Club, Niña dragged me into it. 8D

[meicdon13]

"Mom doesn't like. She says I just go home everyday to Bulacan. After all, there's MRT."

"Mom doesn't want me to. She says I should just go home everyday to Bulacan. After all, there's the MRT."

sizzles of garlic being sautéed

sizzling sound of garlic being sautéed

she jumps high out their reach

she jumps high out of their reach

----

Just suggestions XD

[disownmereturns]

Ooh~ kk about the last two but the dialogues are deliberate because they're supposed to be speaking in Filipino :'3 trolololo~