Only Unto Him | Spencer/Brendon | NC-17 | ~ 26 000 words | AU | Part One
Notes | Part One | Part Two | Part Three
"You're kidding, right?" Ryan asks.
"Does it look like I'm kidding?" Spencer answers. He keeps grinding his teeth, even though all that does is give him a headache. He certainly hopes it doesn't look like he's kidding.
"But why would they want to marry you?" Ryan asks.
Spencer grits his teeth and rubs his forehead. "They don't want to marry me, chowderhead. I'm just the eldest child. Why are you so incredibly mentally deficient when everything is going to hell?"
Ryan rolls his eyes. "Don't blame me, dude. I'm not the one who set up your arranged marriage."
"Well, I'm not the one who set it up either, but I am the one who has to get married, so, just. Ryan! I have to get married." Spencer rubs harder at his forehead.
"It's okay," Ryan says, patting his shoulder awkwardly. "I mean, you knew this was coming, right? It was just matter of time."
"More time," Spencer wails, then resumes rubbing at his forehead.
Ryan pats his shoulder again. Ryan's shit at this comforting business. Spencer kind of wishes that they weren't trying to have this conversation in the middle of the marketplace, but Ryan had wanted to buy scarves - to buy more scarves - and so here they are. Spencer slouches, trying to hide behind the corner of one of the vendors.
"Maybe it won't be that bad," Ryan says. "Sometimes people like being married."
"Which people?" Spencer asks. "People who aren't shipped across to another country as a token to prevent a war. Those people? Yeah. They might like being married."
"Who are you getting married to, anyway?" Ryan asks.
"I don't want to talk about this anymore," Spencer says, opening his mouth wide and cracking his jaw. "Let's just go back to the castle."
Spencer looks around, then calls out, "Zack!"
Zack turns then walks toward them. "Ready to head home?" he asks.
Spencer nods, thinking cranky thoughts about how it isn't going to be his home for much longer.
--
~~
--
It isn't like Spencer didn't know this was coming. He hasn't been allowed to leave the house without Zack there to chaperone since he was 13. Zack sleeps in what is technically Spencer's bedroom, though there's a half-wall and a screen separating their sleeping areas. When Ryan got to head into town by himself, Spencer had to stay home. All to make sure that his reputation would still be intact when it came time to marry, because all possible roads led straight to an arranged marriage.
He knew that this was how it was going to go, but as he sits in the carriage, watching trees pass along the side of the road, he thinks that maybe he wasn't quite as prepared as he thought.
"How much longer 'til we get there?" Ryan asks.
Spencer shrugs, looking over at Zack.
Zack says, "I've never been there before, how would I know?"
Spencer is bringing three huge trunks, Zack, and Ryan with him to Brendon's manor. He doesn't know what people think about him bringing Ryan along because he didn't ask. He said that Ryan was coming ("I need him," Spencer said. "He helps me with things."), then stared at people until they stopped talking every time someone tried to object. It's one thing to have to leave his home and his family; Spencer isn't leaving Ryan as well.
"It'll probably be like twenty more hours," Spencer says. "Brendon probably has some shittyass manor in the middle of the forest somewhere, and we're probably going to have to get out and walk to it, because there probably aren't even roads leading there."
"Keep up the positive thinking," Zack says, giving Spencer a thumbs up.
Brendon isn't a king and he isn't even the eldest. He's the only unmarried child of the King in the neighbouring kingdom and Spencer has to marry him. Spencer doesn't know if Brendon would prefer to marry one of Spencer's sisters, doesn't know what Brendon thinks of this whole situation. He doesn't know how much longer it is going to take to get there and he has to pee.
Getting married sucks.
--
~~
--
Brendon's manor is another five hours away, but it isn't actually in the middle of nowhere, and there is, in fact, a road leading up to it.
A dark-haired guy is standing in front of the manor to greet them. He seems nice enough, so Spencer gives a little wave as he walks around the carriage to pick up his trunks.
Spencer pulls out one of his trucks, setting it on the ground, before freezing and doubling back. He walks back to the front of the carriage and asks the guy, "Are you Brendon?" worried that he's made a horrible first impression already.
The guy laughs, and says, "I'm Jon. Brendon's just- he'll be back in time for the wedding."
Spencer shrugs, then waves at Jon. "I'm Spencer." He looks around, gesturing to Zack then Ryan. "He's Zack, and he's Ryan. I'm just going to get my stuff, and then- I dunno, whatever's supposed to happen next."
"I'll show you to the master bedroom," Jon says. "That's where you and Brendon will be sleeping. We've been airing it out. Brendon hasn't been sleeping in that room, because, you know. How he isn't married yet, or whatever. His family is super traditional, and I guess they think that you're not supposed to sleep in your marriage bed until you're married. Brendon might have been choosing the overly literal interpretation of that."
Spencer stares at Jon, blankly.
Jon stares back. "You know, sleep in your marriage bed..."
Spencer blinks.
Ryan comes up behind him, and says to Jon, "He never gets jokes like that, don't worry about it. They've been keeping him real locked up."
Spencer elbows Ryan and mutters, "Shut up." Jon's a stranger; it's weird to talk to him about stuff like that.
--
Jon shows Ryan and Zack to their rooms, then shows Spencer where the master bedroom is. He doesn't come inside with Spencer, just points and says, "Third door on the right." Spencer is grateful; it would be really weird to be in what is meant to be his bedroom with a stranger.
"Thanks," Spencer says.
"No problem," Jon says.
"So, what do you do here?" Spencer asks. "Are you like, head of household?"
"Kind of," Jon says. "We don't have a huge staff here, so it's not like I spend a lot of time trying to organize people. Plus, Brendon's here by himself, so I'd say mostly I'm here to keep him from going stir crazy."
"Just Brendon?" Spencer asks.
"Yeah," Jon says. "The rest of his siblings are already married. I think his parents thought that he'd be married a little sooner when they sent him over here, but we've been living here for more than a year. Brendon's pretty social; he likes being around people and I think he'd go insane if he had to stay here for long without company."
Spencer nods.
"I'll eat dinner with him when he's here, but most nights he goes out. He knows a lot of people around here," Jon explains. "I think- Well, I mean, it wasn't exactly- But, I do think it'll be good for him to get married. More bodies around the house."
"Um, okay," Spencer says. "I'm going to go unpack now." He waves goodbye to Jon as he starts walking for what is now his bedroom.
--
~~
--
Spencer piles his trunks in one corner of the room, and then gives up on unpacking. It's weird being in this new room, so Spencer just takes out the clothes he's meant to wear for the wedding - not that they aren't already horribly creased - and walks back downstairs.
He's looking for Ryan, but he finds Brendon instead.
He almost walks right by him. Jon is talking to a guy who's wearing dirty clothing, and Spencer just assumes he's a member of the staff. Jon sees Spencer passing though, and calls out, "Spencer!"
Spencer walks over, and Jon says to the guy, "This is Spencer."
"Hey," the guys says, giving a little wave. "I'm Brendon. Your um, your new marriage partner?" He makes a face after saying it, and if he weren't a stranger, and if Spencer weren't grinding his teeth so hard that it takes him a minute to unlock his jaw, he might have laughed.
Spencer raises a hand as well. "Hi. I'm... Spencer."
Brendon takes a step forward, then another half step before he seems to change his mind. He pauses for a moment before finally taking a few more steps until he's right in front of Spencer. He reaches out, and Spencer realizes that he means to shake Spencer's hand a half second too late. By the time he has extended his own hand, Brendon has pulled back. Spencer starts to drop his hand just as Brendon begins reaching forward and they miss each other again.
Finally, Brendon just reaches out both hands and leans in for a quick hug, their bodies hardly coming any closer together than when they started.
Brendon scampers back afterward, and Spencer looks at the ground, rubbing the back of his neck.
"So, um, it's nice to meet you," Spencer says.
"You too," Brendon says. "I was just riding, so, I should go get washed up for the, ah. For the wedding."
"Okay," Spencer says. "Uh, see you there then."
Brendon turns and walks down the hall. Spencer is still feeling a little stunned, so it takes him a minute to do the same.
"It's going to be okay," Jon says just before Spencer turns away, but Spencer forgets to answer him.
--
~~
--
Spencer gets married in front of at least one hundred people he doesn't know. Ryan and Zack sit in the front row, and each time Spencer feels like throwing up, he looks over at them for support.
The ceremony seems to drone on indefinitely, but when the Minister says, "You may now kiss," Spencer wishes it had lasted a little longer.
Brendon just leans in and pecks him quickly though. Everyone starts to clap, so Spencer supposed that that was all they had to do. It seems a little anticlimactic, after all that.
--
The wedding party lasts for hours, and Spencer hasn't had this much to drink since that time that Zack was sick and sleeping in another room, and Ryan sneaked into Spencer's room with a bottle of ale.
They were drinking to see what it felt like, though, and tonight Spencer is drinking because it seems like a better idea than not drinking.
He's starting to get tired. He is sitting with Ryan and Zack because he doesn't know anyone else here. He doesn't know anyone, but Brendon does. Brendon is always talking with someone, always laughing and gesturing and occupied. Ryan keeps a running commentary of everyone that walks past their table, which Spencer appreciates. Mostly he just wants to go to bed. He doesn't know how that works though, if he's allowed to just walk over there or if he has to check with Brendon first.
Spencer tries to catch Brendon's eye, but Brendon's always occupied, and screw that, anyway. It's Spencer's bedroom too, now. He can go to bed if he wants to.
--
They walk Ryan to his room first, since it's the closest.
"I'm sorry I dragged you into this," Spencer says, standing in the hallway as Ryan opens the door to his new room.
"The only thing you'd have to be sorry about is if you'd left me behind," Ryan says.
Zack walks Spencer to his new room, and says, "I'm just down the hall. If you yell real loud, I'm sure I'll be able to hear you, and I promise I'll come running," before leaving Spencer alone in the room.
Spencer walks around the room, slowly, looking around carefully. He likes his old bedroom better; this room has obviously never been lived in and the air smells musty.
He's wearing a million layers from the wedding, and he starts stripping down, getting ready for bed. He's wearing pants and an undershirt when the door opens, but he would rather have still been fully dressed.
"There you are," Brendon says. "You disappeared."
"I'm here," Spencer says. His overshirt is still in his hands, and his jacket is nearby in a pile on the floor, but it would probably be more awkward to start putting them back on than to just stay like this.
He picks up his jacket and hangs it over the back of a chair. He turns again, facing Brendon. They stand awkwardly.
"So did you enjoy the. Wedding?" Brendon asks, grimacing a little.
"Sure," Spencer says. He did not, in fact, enjoy the wedding, but whatever. He'll complain about it to Ryan tomorrow.
Brendon sighs. "You want to just get this out of the way?" he asks.
"Okay," Spencer says, plucking at the hem of his undershirt with his fingers. He's got a pretty good idea of what 'this' is, even though Ryan is the only one who would ever actually tell him what actually happened during sex. Ryan was allowed to go to into town by himself, but he always chased after women, so he wasn't much help in telling Spencer what he should expect from sex with Brendon. Plus, Ryan knew he wasn't supposed to be telling Spencer about stuff like that, so he was always vague and sketchy about the details.
Brendon climbs onto the bed, lying down and folding his hands behind his neck to prop his head up. He's still fully clothed; he didn't change into his sleep clothes, so 'this' definitely doesn't mean sleeping, not that Spencer really thought that was a possibility. Brendon looks at Spencer, waiting pointedly until Spencer realizes that he's supposed to climb onto the bed as well.
Spencer walks around to the other side, sitting down on the bed and then pulling his legs up. He scoots backwards until his back rests against the wall. It's weird to lie down, even though it is a bed. Brendon is right there beside him.
Brendon pushes himself up as well. Spencer is looking down at his hands, so he doesn't notice that Brendon's leaning in until his face is right there in front of Spencer's. Spencer lifts his head and waits. He knows how this goes. Ryan showed him how to kiss one evening when they were lying behind a bush, just out of Zack's line of sight. Brendon leans in even closer, and Spencer tries to keep his lips soft, because Ryan said it was better like that.
Brendon doesn't kiss like Ryan though. He kisses Spencer's lips then starts pushing his tongue inside of Spencer's mouth, grabbing for the hem of Spencer's shift and tugging upwards, all the while moving his body so that he can climb on top of Spencer.
Spencer turns his head to the side because Brendon's tongue is thick in his mouth and the temptation to bite down is really strong, and Spencer knows that's not something he's supposed to do. Brendon starts kissing down his neck. His lips are all wet and his stubble rubs against Spencer's skin, and Spencer wants to cringe, to pull his shoulder up to his ear so that his neck would be protected.
He jerks away a little, and Brendon lifts his head up. Spencer hasn't lifted his arms, so Brendon isn't having much luck pulling off his shirt.
"Look, I'm pretty tired and kind of drunk," Brendon says. "How about you just suck me off, and we can do the rest another time."
Spencer stares up at him. He clenches his jaw and tries not to grind his teeth too noisily.
"It's not like anyone's going to know if we don't technically consummate the marriage," Brendon continues. "Is that cool?"
Without waiting for Spencer to answer, Brendon climbs off of Spencer, flopping down onto his back. He reaches out, grabbing Spencer's arm and trying to pull Spencer on top of him and, "Stop," Spencer blurts out, shaking off Brendon's hands. "Just- stop."
He moves as far away from Brendon as he can get without falling off the bed, and pulls his shirt back down. Spencer takes a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself. He knows that they have to do this tonight, even if he's not entirely sure what Brendon's asking for. He just needs a moment before he can start figuring out what it is.
Spencer looks sideways, trying to think of something to say. The moment stretches on too long though, and before he comes up with anything, Brendon snorts loudly and says, "Whatever. Just forget it." He pulls of his jacket and shirts with uncoordinated tugs, then wriggles out of his pants, dropping everything over the side of the bed and then crawling under the blankets. He pulls the blankets up to his chest and rolls over, rolls away from Spencer and stays like that.
Spencer sits for a long time, but Brendon doesn't move.
Eventually, he lets himself slide down the bed until he's lying down. He tucks one hand under the pillow, but doesn't climb under the blankets because Brendon's right there and anyway it's not that cold in the room.
--
~~
--
It takes Spencer a long time to fall asleep, so even though it's late in the morning when he finally wakes, he doesn't feel well-rested.
Brendon is gone.
Spencer puts away the clothes from the wedding and starts unpacking one of his trucks and hanging the clothes in the big dresser by the window. It's empty. There are several other chests of drawers around the room, and Spencer isn't sure if Brendon wants to use this one or if he'll put his stuff in one of the others, or if he's just going to keep it in whatever room he's been staying in. Regardless, Spencer doesn't unpack fully, just hangs some of the things that he's likely to wear in the next few days. There's still plenty of room if Brendon wants space to put his own things.
--
Spencer finds Ryan reading in his bedroom, and they go downstairs together in search of breakfast.
Spencer has no idea where the kitchen might be. The manor isn't gigantic, but it's pretty big and there are confusing hallways that lead off in all directions.
They find Jon before they find the kitchens, and he shows them where to go.
Spencer doesn't want to say anything, so he's glad when Ryan asks, "Where's Brendon?"
"Last I knew, he went riding," Jon says. "So, he's either still out, or he's gone into town. Brendon comes and goes a lot."
Ryan makes a little hmm noise. His face is totally blank so it's not rude, but it still somehow manages to be pointed, and Spencer is so, so glad that Ryan agreed to come with him.
--
Jon shows Spencer and Ryan around the kitchens. "The cook usually doesn't get here until late afternoon," Jon says. "But there are usually leftovers and stuff. You probably wouldn't have to cook anything if you didn't want to."
Spencer's just glad that the kitchen is set up so that he can find food for himself and he doesn't have to wait around for some predetermined meal time.
--
Spencer spends a lot of time wandering around the manor, hoping that if he gets more familiar with the layout, he will stop feeling so homesick.
--
Brendon doesn't come home for dinner, so they eat without him. Jon doesn't seem concerned about his absence.
"Brendon knows a lot of people," he says. "He often eats somewhere else."
Ryan rolls his eyes, peeking at Spencer from underneath his bangs. Spencer grins back, then moves his spoon in circles, accidentally splashing some of his soup over the side of the bowl.
--
Brendon still isn't home, and Spencer is tired, so he just goes to bed by himself. He is almost asleep by the time Brendon gets in. Brendon undresses quietly, then crawls into bed.
He whispers, "Sorry I was gone so long. The horse got sick so I couldn't ride back from Patrick's, and it's a long walk back home."
Spencer lies on his side and pretends to be asleep.
--
~~
--
When Spencer walks down to breakfast the next morning, Brendon's sitting at the table.
"Morning," Spencer says, sitting across from him.
"Jon and Ryan went into town," Brendon says. "I think Jon said that he'd show Ryan around."
"Ryan'll be grateful for that," Spencer says.
"I think they said they were going to try and find a new carpet for the sitting room," Brendon says.
Spencer can't remember what the old carpet looks like, but he warns, "Don't throw out the old one until you see what they come home with."
"Oh?"
"I don't know about Jon, but - I'd just wait and see what they bring back, is all," Spencer says. "It's your sitting room though."
"Our sitting room," Brendon says.
Spencer hums neutrally. It isn't 'their' sitting room, and Brendon knows that just as well as Spencer does.
--
The rug they bring home is green and brown, and patterned with a whole bunch of blobs that vaguely resemble birds. There's a light purple stitching that is probably supposed to look like clouds, but looks more like waves of water to Spencer.
Spencer leaves Ryan, Jon, and Brendon in the sitting room. He doesn't care one way or another how the room is decorated.
--
Spencer sits on a chair in the bedroom, reading a book that Ryan lent him. Ryan reads more than Spencer does. It works best if Spencer reads Ryan's favorite books though, because it's either that or have Ryan try to explain the book himself.
Spencer turns the page, then lifts his hand and rubs at his eyes. It's not too late, but Spencer is having trouble focusing on the page. It has been a long few days.
He's glad when the door opens and Brendon walks inside because it means he doesn't have to wait up any later.
He walks over to the small bookshelf just beside the chair to put his book away.
Brendon says, "You can go look at the room in the morning. We've still got the old rug if you want to change it back to how it was."
Spencer starts to turn around, saying, "I don't-" before he trails off. Brendon has taken off his clothes. He's shirtless, entirely naked except for small white shorts that probably have half the material that Spencer's underwear do. Spencer flinches at the sudden sight of all that skin, then looks down at the ground. "Care," he finishes, awkwardly.
"I think the new one kind of matches the drapes," Brendon says. "Jon really likes it. Ryan, too, I think. It's kind of hard to tell if he's actually enthusiastic about things."
"Yeah," Spencer says, staring pointedly at the ground. He's never been in the room with someone who isn't fully clothed before. He doesn't know how Brendon can just stand there like that, mostly naked, like it doesn't matter.
"What's up?" Brendon asks. His voice has lost some of the cheerfulness that he had been forcing all day.
"Nothing," Spencer says quickly, still looking anywhere but at Brendon.
Brendon is silent for a long moment.
"Let's just go to bed," Spencer says, twisting his fingers into the hem of his shirt and looking down at his hands so that he doesn't have to see Brendon.
"This isn't what I want any more than it is what you want," Brendon says. "I wouldn't sleep here except that the servants will talk, and it will get back to my parents, so I'm sorry that it's so fucking offensive to even look at me, but we just have to wait it out for a few months until all the deals are settled and whatever else it is this marriage was supposed to bring about, and then I'll go back to my own room, and you can stay here, and you won't have to look at me anymore." Brendon is yelling by the end.
Spencer grits his teeth together and tries to hold his tongue, tries not to start yelling as well. Brendon still isn't wearing a shirt. Spencer can see the way his ribs move as he takes in huge breathfuls of air.
"This wasn't my idea," Spencer says, then immediately knows that it was the wrong thing to say.
For a moment, Spencer thinks that Brendon is going to start yelling again, but instead he snaps, "I know," and then pinches his lips together. He walks over to the bed, flinging the blankets back before lying down.
Spencer still stands in the center of the room. He knows that Brendon isn't looking at him, but still he feels embarrassed as he starts undressing. He'd go to bed without undressing, but his clothes are dirty and he knows that he can't. He pulls off his shirt, keeping his bare back turned toward the bed, and slides on a long nightshirt, tugging his breaches down afterward.
He walks over to the bed, hesitating before climbing up. Brendon is lying the same way he always lies, curled in a ball, facing away from Spencer's side of the bed. His shoulders are tight and Spencer can see the tense line of his back, his naked back, above the edge of the sheets. Spencer wishes that there was somewhere else that he could sleep. He considers just lying down on top of the comforters, but the window is open, and Spencer knows that he'll wake up cold through the night.
He pulls the blankets back carefully and tries to get into bed with the least movement possible. He knows that Brendon is still awake and Spencer feels overly conscious of every movement he makes. He keeps as close to the edge of the bed as possible; he doesn't want to accidentally touch Brendon.
Once Spencer has settled, Brendon reaches over and puts out the light. The moon is bright, and once Spencer's eyes adjust to the dark, it's easy to make out the forms of objects in the room, the desk pushed up against the wall, the coats hanging on the back of the door. The smooth line of Brendon's shoulders, and the shape his body makes underneath the blanket.
--
~~
--
Spencer appreciates having Jon and Ryan there at breakfast because it means that he can make conversation without actually having to talk with Brendon.
Zack usually eats earlier than them. Spencer doesn't know exactly what he does all day long, but he seems to be keeping himself busy.
Spencer is sitting in the garden with Ryan when he finally sees Zack. He and Ryan have a pile of books beside him, but they're mostly just lying in the sun and chatting quietly. Spencer sits up when he sees Zack, waving.
Zack walks over.
"What are you up to?" Spencer asks.
"Big plans, little man," Zack says. "Big plans."
Spencer nods solemnly.
"How's married life treating you?" Zack asks.
Spencer shrugs. He clenches his teeth together, then forces himself to take a breath.
"It's okay," he says. "I don't think Brendon likes me very much."
Zack raises an eyebrow.
"He hasn't done anything," Spencer says quickly. The last thing he needs is for Zack to have a 'talk' with Brendon. "I think he's just pretty frustrated with me a lot. We're frustrated with each other a lot," Spencer corrects himself. "It's okay though."
"Spence, has he been trying to push you into doing something that you-"
"No," Spencer says quickly. "No, I don't think that he really- because we haven't actually, ah. We haven't even- we haven't," Spencer says, looking down at the ground. "Seriously though, it's fine."
Ryan starts muttering vaguely threatening comments about how he knows where Brendon's food is kept. Spencer rolls his eyes and changes the topic.
--
Dinner is a big noisy event. Brendon has a bunch of friends over, and Spencer still doesn't know most of the people at the table. He thinks he remembers the pregnant lady as being named Ashlee, but he can't remember what her husband's name was, and he can't think of the names of either of the other people sitting across the table from him.
Spencer sits beside Ryan and they talk mostly with each other, though sometimes Ryan also turns to his other side to repeat his jokes so that Jon can hear.
--
Spencer kills as much time as he can before finally heading up to bed. It's late, and he's hoping that maybe Brendon will already be in bed by the time Spencer gets there.
Instead, Brendon is slouching on the chair, his legs crossed.
"Hey," Brendon says, sitting upright when Spencer enters the room.
"Hey," says Spencer.
Brendon stands up and walks toward Spencer. Brendon opens his mouth, but he seems to have trouble finding the other words. Finally, he says, "I'm sorry."
"Yeah, me too," Spencer says. "It's been stressful for everyone, so let's just forget about it." He forces a quick smile for Brendon, then starts to walk toward the dresser where he keeps his sleeping clothes.
As he turns away, however, Brendon reaches out, catching his elbow and stopping him.
He lets go quickly, but says, "Just- wait, okay?"
Spencer stops, sticking his hip out to the side as he stands and waits.
"I talked with Zack," Brendon says.
Spencer starts trying to talk, but Brendon continues.
"No, it wasn't bad," Brendon says. "He just told me, I mean. He said that, he explained how, um. It's just I hadn't realized that, that you, ah. I didn't know that you were still, you know?"
"That I'm still what?" Spencer asks.
"I didn't realize that getting married was such a, a... A big thing for you," Brendon says, gesturing randomly.
Spencer gives him a skeptical look. "What?"
"I just didn't know that you hadn't, I mean. That you'd never-" Brendon raises his hand and runs his finger through his hair, tugging hard at the tips. "I don't know why I didn't think of that, but anyway. I didn't mean to act like an asshole, I just didn't even consider what it would be like for you if you'd never, you know. Been like that before," Brendon says.
"O-kay," Spencer says slowly.
Brendon studies Spencer for a long moment, then marches over and wraps his arms around Spencer, squeezing quickly before letting go. Spencer's shocked by the gesture, but he remembers to hug back.
"It's pretty late," Brendon says, once he pulls back. He smiles at Spencer and some of the tension in Spencer's shoulders starts to ease.
"Yeah," Spencer agrees. "Time for bed."
"Is it okay if I- I don't want to freak you out," Brendon says. "I just really hate wearing clothes when I go to bed. I can try if it really bothers you though."
"Oh," Spencer says, looking down at his hands. "It doesn't, it doesn't bother me. Don't worry about it."
"Are you sure?" Brendon asks, his fingers already reaching for the hem of his undershirt. He waits though, fingers just brushing the fabric, until Spencer says, "Yeah."
It's less of a surprise to see Brendon strip down tonight, but it's not less skin and Spencer can only glance at him before he feels like he needs to look away. Looking at Brendon makes Spencer's skin feel kind of hot and itchy, that annoying feeling that Spencer hates because it settles over him and takes forever to leave.
Spencer changes quickly, then he and Brendon walk to the bed together, coming at it from different sides and climbing up at roughly the same time. They pull back the blankets and slide under the sheets.
--
~~
--
Spencer wakes, his heart racing and his underwear sticky. He lies there with his eyes closed, cursing loudly inside of his head. His body has that strange sort of sluggish, tingly feeling. He's woken up like this before and it's unnerving each time, but at least it's never been when he was in bed with someone else before.
It was one thing that he could never ask Ryan about. It'd taken some coaxing before Ryan would tell him anything about sex, but Spencer was willing to push with that. He could never bring himself to ask about the dreams though, not even to ask Ryan. Especially not Ryan, given that sometimes Ryan was a part of the dream in the first place.
Spencer doesn't know if he's the only one who gets dreams like that, but he does know that it's not something he wants to share with Brendon. Maybe- Maybe Brendon is still asleep.
Spencer forces himself to pry his eyes open.
Brendon is facing him. His eyes are open and he's watching Spencer. Spencer closes his eyes again, swears as loudly and as creatively as he can inside of his head, then hopes that by the time he's done, Brendon will have fallen back asleep.
He opens his eyes again, and still Brendon is right there, looking straight at Spencer. A cold, scared feeling is staring to wash away the last of the effects of the dream. Spencer wonders if he should say something, or if he should just pretend like nothing has happened. Maybe Brendon doesn't know exactly what happened. Spencer wonders if this is something that Brendon can get mad at him about. He wishes that someone had told him more of what he should expect from being married.
Spencer looks back at Brendon, and waits. Brendon doesn't look angry; he looks like he's thinking about something, his eyes moving around as studies Spencer's face, his gaze eventually sweeping lower than that. Spencer wants to pull the blankets higher, even though he's still a little sweaty. He wants for Brendon to do something so that this moment will stop stretching on indefinitely.
Spencer wonders if he should apologize, maybe that's what Brendon is waiting for.
Brendon moves, pushing himself up a little further on the bed. The sheet, already low on his waist, slips down even lower. Spencer's eyes follow down the line of Brendon's side before quickly snapping back up to Brendon's face.
"What were you dreaming about?" Brendon asks, his voice quiet and rough.
Spencer looks away from Brendon altogether and exhales slowly, staring up at the ceiling. He turns onto his side, toward Brendon, and props himself up on his elbow. The sheet is resting just at the point where Brendon's hips start curving away from his waist. Spencer reaches out with his other hand, catching the sheet with his fingers and pulling it down just a little further, then leaves his hand there.
He looks up at Brendon, then down at his hand, his fingers hovering just above the sharp jut of Brendon's hip bone. He holds his hand just above Brendon's bare skin, careful not to actually touch.
He looks up at Brendon again, then back at his hand, and hopes that's enough, that he doesn't actually have to say it out loud.
Brendon makes a low noise, and Spencer pulls his hand back, rolling onto his back again. Spencer's underwear are sticky, and he's still a little sweaty from the dream. His heart is racing just as fast as when he first woke up.
He stares up at the ceiling, lying completely still. He can see Brendon in his peripheral vision; Brendon's sitting up a little, but holding himself awkwardly, like he doesn't know if he should come any closer.
Eventually, Brendon lies on his back as well, both of them watching the same ceiling, waiting for morning to come.
--
~~
--
Brendon is still in bed when Spencer wakes up in the morning. Spencer feels disgusting; his underwear dried to his skin in places, still sticky in others. All he wants is to get to the bath; the less contact he has to have with Brendon in the meantime, the better.
Spencer sits up, leaning back against the wall behind the bed, and Brendon does the same. Spencer is waiting for Brendon to get up so that he can do the same. He doesn't want to pull the blankets away while Brendon's still here because he's embarrassed about what Brendon is going to be able to see.
Unfortunately, Brendon also seems content to wait. He sits quietly beside Spencer.
Spencer finally turns to Brendon and says, "Good morning."
"'Morning," Brendon says, smiling. He's still smiling when he starts to say, "About last night," but Spencer looks away quickly.
"I'm not- I don't mean to-" Brendon struggles with his words before saying, "It's okay."
Spencer nods once, sharply, still not looking at Brendon.
Brendon presses on. "I know it's - weird, us sleeping together all the time. Especially given that we're not actually, you know. So, you don't have to worry, or, I mean, you don't have to feel bad or anything."
"Sure," Spencer says. He doesn't know if that means that what happened to him last night has also happened to Brendon before, or if Brendon has heard that it happens to other people, or if it's a really weird thing but Brendon's just trying to be nice about it. He doesn't think he wants to ask and find out one way or another.
"I didn't know that you'd actually never... done, ah, anything before," Brendon says.
"I know," Spencer snaps. "You said that already." He doesn't understand why that is such a surprise to Brendon. "So, I guess that means you have?" Spencer asks, looking sideways without actually turning to face Brendon full on.
Brendon gives a little nod.
"With who?" Spencer asks.
"I dunno," Brendon says, looking down at his hands. "Just - people. Just sometimes with people."
"Do you still?" Spencer asks. "With the - people?"
Brendon shakes his head, hard, and says, "No." He looks over at Spencer, meeting his eye while he says, "We're married. Even if that maybe wasn't what- even if we didn't- but, anyway, we're married now, and I wouldn't do anything with someone else."
Spencer nods slowly, smiling a little. It makes something in his stomach relax a little to hear that.
Brendon gives a short laugh and says, "I just spend more time in the bath now."
Spencer thinks that is maybe supposed to be a joke, but he doesn't get it, and he doesn't want to fake a laugh just in case he's wrong and it wasn't supposed to be funny.
Brendon must notice the confusion on Spencer's face. "Because it's private in the bath," Brendon says, looking at Spencer pointedly.
Spencer just gives a little shrug.
Brendon keeps staring for a long moment before he blinks and says, "Do you actually not- ah. Not? Seriously?"
"Do I not do what?" Spencer asks.
"I know you haven't done anything with other people, but do you seriously not, you know. Anything? Even by yourself?"
Spencer frowns. "We've been over this a million times. You know I haven't-"
Brendon cuts him off and says, "I know, I just didn't think that also included-" He shakes his head, looking incredulous. "Nothing?"
"I'm not sure what you're asking exactly, but I've already told you that I haven't." Spencer scowls at Brendon.
"Okay, okay," Brendon says, raising his hands in what is probably supposed to be a soothing gesture. Then, he ruins it by saying again, "It's just- Nothing?"
Spencer reaches behind himself for a pillow and throws it as hard as he can at Brendon. Brendon deflects it with one of his arms, laughing.
Spencer points at Brendon, making what he hopes are threatening eyes. Then, he pulls back the blankets and hurries off to wash up.
--
~~
--
The next morning, Spencer walks downstairs to find Zack carrying his trunk and heading towards the front door.
"Zack!" Spencer calls out. "What are you doing? Where are you going?"
"I found a job," Zack says. "I was going to wait until you got up before I left, don't worry."
"A, a what? " Spencer asks, shocked. "What do you mean you got a job?"
"I ran into some buddies of mine from way, way back when I was in town the other day," Zack says. "They're setting up a hotel and they could use another pair of eyes and hands."
"But," Spencer says. "Where are you going to live?"
"It's a hotel, Spence," Zack says, gently. "There're plenty of beds."
"You can't just leave," Spencer says. "What about- I mean. I still need you."
"You don't," Zack says. "You're married now, and you don't need me any more. You're going to be just fine without me, and anyway, you've still got Ryan."
"That's not true," Spencer says. "I'm married, but I don't have anything figured out. I still need you here."
"I can't do anything else," Zack says. "Trust me, you're going to be just fine on your own."
Spencer wants to continue protesting, but he bites his tongue. He walks Zack to the door, and watches him load his trunk into the waiting carriage.
He stands at the front door and waves goodbye, then goes and sits by himself in the bedroom until someone calls him for dinner.
--
~~
--
Spencer is quiet at the meal, but he's still surprised when he's lying in bed with Brendon and Brendon says, "I bet you really miss Zack."
Spencer lets out a shaky exhale. "Yeah," he admits. "I can't believe he's gone."
Brendon reaches across the bed and touches Spencer's elbow, giving him a squeeze before he pulls his hand back.
--
~~
--
Part Two