Battlestar Galactica: What It Is Not
I wrote a little script for a bizarro-world BSG. Because I love my crazy space family just the way it is.
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EPISODE 2011: 'ANOTHER SPLODEY BATTLE IN SPACE'
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PAGE 24
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ADAMA, KARA, and LEE stride purposefully toward their vipers on the flightdeck, in preparation for a major op.
KARA is walking a little more slowly; LEE elbows her playfully.
L: You look like you had a late night, Starbuck.
K: Mphf.
L: What happened, hot date? Anybody I know?
K: Nah, I was up late reading. I don’t sleep with anybody anymore. Given what my shrink said about my commitment issues, I wouldn’t want to cause anybody pain. Or get them to think that they could love me. With all my damage from my mother-
L: Yeah, I can see what you mean.
K: I’d try one night stands, but I’m so hot every guy and girl in the fleet falls in love with me instantly, no matter how much I tell them that I don’t care about them.
L: Oh, uh, I wouldn't know anything about that.
K: It’s a bitch to date my right hand, but-it’s a cross I have to bear. With great hotness comes great responsibility.
A: It may be difficult at first, Kara, but you’ll find that giving it up entirely and living like a eunuch is for the best. Trust me. Sex has consequences! I tried it twice, and look what happened!
L: What?
A: I was referring to the two times I slept with your alcoholic mother, son. The one whose dubious care I left you and your helpless brother in, all those years ago.
K: Zak did mention something about that. That a taste for crazy alcoholic blondes must run in the family. Hmm...
A: Good thing Saul and Ellen dragged you into AA, Kara, or this ship would be a real mess.
K: Hahaha! Could you imagine me if I still drank? Or LEE?
A: And the old Saul would be the world’s BEST XO to have after the apocalypse!
ADAMA and KARA chuckle heartily. Only LEE does not join in, and pierces them with an overly-serious gaze.
L: Hey, wait a minute, Dad-back up. What you were saying about sex with my mom. Explain what you meant by that!
A: Well, sex turned out to be really bad for me because it produced you two kids. And your mother and I never should have had any. In fact, you're the only reason that trainwreck of a marriage happened at all!
K: Whoops! Sex IS bad!
L: So you admit that you regret having children? Is that why you abandoned us all those years?
A: It’s not that I didn’t love you boys; it’s just that not parenting you was easier. For you and for me. I used to only feel comfortable loving surrogate families. I get along with them so well it's strange to think that, for so long, I turned out to be such a complete failure as a real dad.
K: Wow. I never would've guessed. We all thought Lee was acting pissy just 'cause.
A: Yeah. He's like that most of the time, so. Easy to make that mistake.
L: Y’know, in the old days, talking about all this might’ve really bothered me. And I would have exploded at any mention of Zak. But did you notice how I just let that go, just now?
K: Yeah-that was a big step for you!
L: It’s because I’m taking the Emo Suppression shots I got from Doc Cottle. Things have never been better! Because I know now that expression of emotion is the worst possible thing you can ever do. Short of feeling it.
K: And I’m in anger management classes!
A: I’m so proud of you, my children. And now I can manage to say this even before your inevitable near-death experiences. I know now: I don’t have to save my expressions of love for just after!
K: Group hug!
L: I’m hugging you, but only as brother would hug a sister.
K: Right. I have no feelings for you at all.
L: Because that would be against regs.
K: And given that I almost married your brother and you once hit me back after I hit you, it would be even more squicky and inappropriate.
L: And we have to share showers. That would be awkward.
A: I would thank the Gods for making us all asexual, if I believed in them.
L: It does make focusing on our jobs a hell of a lot easier!
K: Yeah! Our only job is to kick some CYLON ASS!
L: Without all those messy interpersonal entanglements!
(Bagpipe music swells)
LAURA ROSLIN enters.
R: Commander Adama, Captain Apollo, Lieutenant Thrace, how good it is to see you all smiling together. I want you to know that I have no plans for playing one of you against the other at this time.
A, K, L: Thank you, Madam President!
R: And Commander, when I ask if I can borrow your rack, I want you to know that means nothing inappropriate at all. It just means I need a nap.
A: Understood.
R: A little break from being so awesome.
A: You’re safe with me. I’m a eunuch.
L: And I have only a platonic kind of admiration for you.
K (ducks head): Me...me too.
R: Oh good. It makes it all so much easier. You would not believe the tabloids lately.
K: I know, seriously.
A: Madam President, I am prepared to send a detachment of soldiers to inform the press that they should focus on your strength and abilites as a leader and the more-than-sufficient fulfillment you receive from your glorious achievements. Just say the word.
R: Thank you, Commander.
K: Okay, can we...uh...get back to being awesome now?
L: Yeah, we’ve been talking about our feelings WAAAY too long already! I’m starting to feel my Emo Shots wearing off!
K: And we sure as hell don’t want THAT.
All dissolve into hysterical laughter -- including the DECK CREW.
LEE gives KARA an affectionate yet brotherly noogie.
A: You’re right, kids. Into those Vipers, run along now. Show those evil Cylons we mean business. Because WE are HEROES! And a COMPLETELY FUNCTIONAL FAMILY!
R: And we should never fight!
A: Or mutiny!
K: Or sleep with anyone!
L: Or feel anything!
A, R, K, L (in unison): SO SAY WE ALL!
KARA and LEE salute, don their helmets, and climb into their Vipers. ADAMA and ROSLIN watch proudly.
THE DECK CREW slow claps.
***Fade to black, with bagpipes.***
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_______
EPISODE 2011: 'ANOTHER SPLODEY BATTLE IN SPACE'
_______
PAGE 24
_______
ADAMA, KARA, and LEE stride purposefully toward their vipers on the flightdeck, in preparation for a major op.
KARA is walking a little more slowly; LEE elbows her playfully.
L: You look like you had a late night, Starbuck.
K: Mphf.
L: What happened, hot date? Anybody I know?
K: Nah, I was up late reading. I don’t sleep with anybody anymore. Given what my shrink said about my commitment issues, I wouldn’t want to cause anybody pain. Or get them to think that they could love me. With all my damage from my mother-
L: Yeah, I can see what you mean.
K: I’d try one night stands, but I’m so hot every guy and girl in the fleet falls in love with me instantly, no matter how much I tell them that I don’t care about them.
L: Oh, uh, I wouldn't know anything about that.
K: It’s a bitch to date my right hand, but-it’s a cross I have to bear. With great hotness comes great responsibility.
A: It may be difficult at first, Kara, but you’ll find that giving it up entirely and living like a eunuch is for the best. Trust me. Sex has consequences! I tried it twice, and look what happened!
L: What?
A: I was referring to the two times I slept with your alcoholic mother, son. The one whose dubious care I left you and your helpless brother in, all those years ago.
K: Zak did mention something about that. That a taste for crazy alcoholic blondes must run in the family. Hmm...
A: Good thing Saul and Ellen dragged you into AA, Kara, or this ship would be a real mess.
K: Hahaha! Could you imagine me if I still drank? Or LEE?
A: And the old Saul would be the world’s BEST XO to have after the apocalypse!
ADAMA and KARA chuckle heartily. Only LEE does not join in, and pierces them with an overly-serious gaze.
L: Hey, wait a minute, Dad-back up. What you were saying about sex with my mom. Explain what you meant by that!
A: Well, sex turned out to be really bad for me because it produced you two kids. And your mother and I never should have had any. In fact, you're the only reason that trainwreck of a marriage happened at all!
K: Whoops! Sex IS bad!
L: So you admit that you regret having children? Is that why you abandoned us all those years?
A: It’s not that I didn’t love you boys; it’s just that not parenting you was easier. For you and for me. I used to only feel comfortable loving surrogate families. I get along with them so well it's strange to think that, for so long, I turned out to be such a complete failure as a real dad.
K: Wow. I never would've guessed. We all thought Lee was acting pissy just 'cause.
A: Yeah. He's like that most of the time, so. Easy to make that mistake.
L: Y’know, in the old days, talking about all this might’ve really bothered me. And I would have exploded at any mention of Zak. But did you notice how I just let that go, just now?
K: Yeah-that was a big step for you!
L: It’s because I’m taking the Emo Suppression shots I got from Doc Cottle. Things have never been better! Because I know now that expression of emotion is the worst possible thing you can ever do. Short of feeling it.
K: And I’m in anger management classes!
A: I’m so proud of you, my children. And now I can manage to say this even before your inevitable near-death experiences. I know now: I don’t have to save my expressions of love for just after!
K: Group hug!
L: I’m hugging you, but only as brother would hug a sister.
K: Right. I have no feelings for you at all.
L: Because that would be against regs.
K: And given that I almost married your brother and you once hit me back after I hit you, it would be even more squicky and inappropriate.
L: And we have to share showers. That would be awkward.
A: I would thank the Gods for making us all asexual, if I believed in them.
L: It does make focusing on our jobs a hell of a lot easier!
K: Yeah! Our only job is to kick some CYLON ASS!
L: Without all those messy interpersonal entanglements!
(Bagpipe music swells)
LAURA ROSLIN enters.
R: Commander Adama, Captain Apollo, Lieutenant Thrace, how good it is to see you all smiling together. I want you to know that I have no plans for playing one of you against the other at this time.
A, K, L: Thank you, Madam President!
R: And Commander, when I ask if I can borrow your rack, I want you to know that means nothing inappropriate at all. It just means I need a nap.
A: Understood.
R: A little break from being so awesome.
A: You’re safe with me. I’m a eunuch.
L: And I have only a platonic kind of admiration for you.
K (ducks head): Me...me too.
R: Oh good. It makes it all so much easier. You would not believe the tabloids lately.
K: I know, seriously.
A: Madam President, I am prepared to send a detachment of soldiers to inform the press that they should focus on your strength and abilites as a leader and the more-than-sufficient fulfillment you receive from your glorious achievements. Just say the word.
R: Thank you, Commander.
K: Okay, can we...uh...get back to being awesome now?
L: Yeah, we’ve been talking about our feelings WAAAY too long already! I’m starting to feel my Emo Shots wearing off!
K: And we sure as hell don’t want THAT.
All dissolve into hysterical laughter -- including the DECK CREW.
LEE gives KARA an affectionate yet brotherly noogie.
A: You’re right, kids. Into those Vipers, run along now. Show those evil Cylons we mean business. Because WE are HEROES! And a COMPLETELY FUNCTIONAL FAMILY!
R: And we should never fight!
A: Or mutiny!
K: Or sleep with anyone!
L: Or feel anything!
A, R, K, L (in unison): SO SAY WE ALL!
KARA and LEE salute, don their helmets, and climb into their Vipers. ADAMA and ROSLIN watch proudly.
THE DECK CREW slow claps.
***Fade to black, with bagpipes.***
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