Bleed Across The Horizon
Art Prompt Title: Prompt #16 Kris gave it a shot. Got where he wanted to go. And then, everything sort of crumbled around him. He lost touch with a lot of people but the only one he misses now, is Adam.
Art link: Art Masterlist
Artist: sly_fuck
Fic Title: Bleed Across The Horizon
Author: diane_mckay
Rating: R
Word Count: ~7200
Warnings: sexual content, references to violence, angst
Summary: Kris and Adam are still holding on to the past, but the days just keep coming. Futurefic.
Author's note: Written for kradamreversebb for prompt #16 a challenge in which the artist creates the art first and then the author writes a story inspired by the art. Also, I don’t own these people.
Chris
A glance at the name on the outside of the cup that was handed to him made Kris roll his eyes slightly. The barista had already turned away, his attention refocused on the only other person within the small Starbucks that Kris frequented. Another employee, a young woman, was carefully filling the front case with croissants, danishes, and a variety of other sweet smelling treats.
For a second, Kris thought he caught the scent of fresh raspberries in the air and he squeezed his eyes shut against the memories that rose up. Sweet memories of early mornings and sunshine and licking a faint hint of red from another's lips. Then the bitter overwhelmed sweet and all that remained was the small coffee shop and the three people inside.
Kris's brief struggle went unnoticed. Neither of the other two paying him much attention; her gaze too focused on her work, his caught by the gentle sway of the blond hair framing her face, the light catching and reflecting off of it. Her name was Sera. Spelled with an “e” she had told Kris once - her hands moving quickly, pen in hand, forming the letter K on the rim of his cup - because it reminded her mother of angels. She wanted to be a baker and was saving money to go school. The product of a single parent, she had joked in a way that wasn't all that funny to Kris because there seemed to be a little too much truth to it but he had smiled anyway because she was young, hopeful and full of dreams.
The boy’s name was John and he had only recently begun to work at this coffee house. Kris did, however, suspect that John's recent change of careers had something to do with Sera. Sera didn't seem to notice but Kris thought she might soon. Kris knew from experience that people could only remain oblivious to love for so long. He hoped they didn't get hurt. Kris didn't know much else about John other than the fact that he obviously wasn't a Kris Allen fan. Kris couldn't say he was surprised. It didn't seem like too many people were these days.
As he headed for the door, passing the display case, Kris caught Sera's eye for a moment and she sent him a kind smile and a wave, as she always did. Kris had to remind himself that they were only acquaintances, not friends. It wasn't his place to ask if her college plans were turning out the way she hoped, or if her boss was making her work all the worst shifts, or if she was getting enough sleep. Kris mustered up a half smile in return and made sure to reach into his pocket and pull out some change, depositing it in the jar labeled "college fund (or groceries)" next to her station.
There was a faint tinkle of bells as Kris left the shop, leaving the warmth behind and allowing the three to become two once again. And Kris was alone once more.
He stood for a minute outside the shop to gather himself and braced his body against the wind that blew loudly.
The thought of his day had him sighing and lifting his cup for another sip, the coffee making him feel slightly warmer if not more alive. Kris had woken up this morning feeling tired in a way he hadn't in months, not since the last few weeks of his most recent tour. During those weeks the days had become a long cycle of waking up, singing, sleeping. These days it was more like try to sleep, get up, fail to sing. Which is probably why his label had hauled him in for a meeting this morning. Months off his last tour, Kris had yet to make any progress on a new album. Initially, the label had been understanding, happy with the revenue still coming in off his latest single. But there had been a shift from understanding to not so understanding to impatient to angry messages left on his voicemail to get his ass into the office and remember that Kris's contract lawyer was provided by them. Click.
His label’s attitude could be traced back to the public's perception of him. Back to months ago when website headlines and Twitter responses had gone from cautiously accepting and/or openly in favor of Kris to decidedly against Kris in no time at all. After all, most people were willing to form an opinion based on rumors. Whether the rumor was true or not (It was. Oh, God. It was.). Whether there was more to it than a simple explanation (Kris really didn't want to think about all the broken-down details but he couldn't help it sometimes. Most times.) The opinion most people had seemed to have was that his career-his music- was barely worth the effort of clicking a button. Sales had rapidly begun to plummet. The label had freaked out and pushed Kris to make an effort -- respond to the public's criticism, or to even just to go out in public. He hadn't. Thus, today's meeting.
Kris wondered if his management was going to try to persuade him to make an effort to salvage his career or if they were about to drop him. He wondered which meeting would take longer.
Kris didn't wonder if he should tell them about the empty sheet music on his desk or the dust gathering on his guitar. He already knew nothing could change that.
He shivered again against a sudden chill and pulled his plaid shirt closer to him. Kris looked down at his coffee cup and thought about maybe going back to his bare apartment and curling up in bed, waiting for a dream.
When he looked up again, he was no longer alone on the sidewalk outside the cafe. There was a young boy standing less than ten feet from him now and Kris couldn't explain how he had failed to notice the boy's approach, except the boy looked like he was used to being overlooked. His jeans were threadbare, worn by many other people before they finally made their way to him. He was shivering but that could easily be explained by the overlarge shirt he was wearing. The shirt was very white, like someone had taken care in trying to make it look new. The boy looked like a perfect blend of cocoa and cream; Kris couldn't see his eyes clearly from this distance but they looked light. Kris suspected they were green. Judging from his height, the boy looked maybe twelve but the way he held himself made Kris think he was probably younger and just tall for his age. The boy looked cold and scared and as Kris took a small step forward, lips curving into a gentle smile, he wondered why the boy wasn't in school.
The boy jumped in surprise at the sound of a siren.
There was a swelling of sound in Kris's ears like the first deep chord struck of a song and his fingers moved in reaction, automatic, without thought. He could feel the beat, like a drum, and the way his body responded to it. His muscles eased and his eyes closed and something a little bit like joy and relief and love swept through him. He hadn't felt it in so long. He hadn't felt anything at all.
He smiled and breathed in. And oh, God. Pain Like he'd never felt in his life, not like this. Kris's eyes were open again and he could feel every inch of his body, all of it screaming at him. Saying, Look what's happened to you. Look.
He came to the sudden realization that he was lying on the ground and there, over there was his coffee cup, still rolling from being dropped; something dark and bitter spilling out next to him. He let his eyes drift upward toward the sky and saw the dark clouds. He couldn't feel his feet now. Kris wondered if they were still there. He hoped so, he might need them one day. For something. He couldn't think of what right now.
Now someone was saying something. A pretty girl with light hair was leaning over him and he couldn't see the clouds anymore. She looked like an angel. He reached out to touch her swaying hair and there was a smear of bright color on her hair when he couldn't hold his hand up anymore. Was she talking to him? It sounded familiar, like something he should know. A name maybe? He wondered what her name was. Oh, and now the clouds were turning a bright and beautiful color.
He wanted to know if everyone else saw them, they were so beautiful like that. He looked around and there were so many people there now. He wished they could all see it. There was a little boy with sea green eyes kneeling next to him, looking at him and he was crying. He wanted to tell the boy not to be sad, to tell him Look, look up at the sky and see all the beauty the world has to offer but he couldn't speak.
It was so quiet now, just that strange beat in his head. Kris thought it might stop soon. He knew from experience; all songs had to stop eventually. The thought made him tremble a little though, because he wasn't sure what he was supposed to do after that. He wished he could keep the song going but all the words were stuck in his head and wouldn't come out of his mouth, stuck to his tongue. It was so hard to breathe like that. Kris was sure that there were sweet words, if only he could speak. He wondered what Adam would sing. Hold on
All this love in his body but Kris couldn't hold it in anymore. It pulled his eyes away and all of it was spilling out from his skin. Kris was sure his heart was breaking. He had thought it was already gone, thought he didn't have any more heart to give after Adam. He was wrong . Kris thought his heart must have just grown hard before and now it was broken, because he was broken now. And all of his blood was spilling out of his body and Kris couldn't hold it in and it was coloring the sky and the girl's hair and the boy's jeans and the hard ground.
Soon it would all be gone and there would be no more love left and Kris couldn't stop it,
couldn't slow it, couldn't do anything but--
Kris wondered if Adam was singing right then. Kris wondered what Adam would think when he found out -found out- that all of Kris's love was gone.
Kris didn't wonder if he was dying.
******
Adam carefully lifted his hand to his eyes as he watched the reflection across from him do the same. He slowly traced around them, eyes becoming darker and darker until he shut them for just a moment, opening them again to see that he was almost unrecognizable from before. Adam stared into the mirror for several long minutes measuring his lone image. He thought he might be missing something.
Another minute passed and then Adam noticed his reflection had gained a companion. The three of them smiled at each other; Adam and his two counterparts in the mirror. He turned away from them then, already moving and rising towards Kris.
******
Adam stretched slowly. His back arched slightly and his toes curled into his warm sheets, grounding him as he slowly woke. His arms rose, breaking free from the wave of dreams. He hummed a line of music and smiled.
Outside of the window beside the bed, he could see the sun had risen and the morning was half gone. Adam couldn't help but be glad of that. Despite all he had to do, mental lists in his head blinking at him urgently, Adam really had no schedule to adhere to except his own and could more than afford a day for himself. His album was coming along slowly but surely, enough to satisfy the label. Adam himself was more than satisfied with his work. He actually thought he might be a little in love with this album more than any of his previous work. Maybe because this time he wasn't trying to prove that he could do everything or even that he deserved all the recognition he had received. Adam felt he had something more important to say this time and really, this album had become the most personal, intimate thing he had ever had a part of. So it had to be right.
Adam could see the sun was just beginning to break free of the clouds. He thought it might settle into a beautiful day and was determined to make sure it was. He glanced at his phone on his night stand, a light blinking silently to inform him he had waiting messages. Adam stood up and walked to the bathroom door, bypassing his phone completely. Before walking into the bathroom, he glanced back at the unmade empty bed, nightstand on either side. Adam sighed and shut the door behind him.
As he showered, Adam tried to regain the memory of the happiness his dream had left him before reality had set in. He closed his eyes and remembered-Kris.
******
As Adam moved towards Kris, he felt a grin breaking across his face. Kris met him in the middle and then they were hugging.
Adam ducked his head low and felt the softness of Kris's hair against his cheek. He hadn't realized until that moment just how much he had missed Kris. It wasn't the first time they had been apart for months and of course, Adam had always missed Kris. After all, Kris was one of his closest friends. But Adam had years of experience with this and was used to being away from his friends due to his tours and appearances and all the commitments that came with being a recording artist. And with Kris, those separations had only been compounded by Kris's own obligations to his family, fans, and label. They had become used to the occasional text that sustained their friendship in the years following Idol, after Kris had returned to Arkansas, and when their careers both took successful but very separate paths. But whenever they had managed to meet, they had picked up right where they left off, as if they had never been apart.
Eventually, when Kris's marriage had slowly dissolved and his reasons for staying in Arkansas had gradually disappeared, Kris returned to LA. Adam remembered how Kris had been, when he first saw him after the divorce. Kris had been so sad and afraid that he had lost all of the friendship between him and Katy. Both Kris and Katy had agreed the divorce truly was the best for both of them; they had been hurting too much together. Adam remembered being so afraid for Kris and had been determined to be there for his friend. And then Kris had recovered slowly, taking solace in his music and the comfort of all his friends, and had eventually created an album that had honored his loss and his friendships. It had won him a Grammy nomination and then a win. Katy had been the first to hug Kris with congratulations and Adam had been the second. That had been a good day.
"I missed you," Adam finally murmured and pulled back from the hug slightly to look at Kris.
Kris laughed in response and said, "I missed you too. But I was only gone for two weeks this time."
"Yes. But you were in Africa this time. With no cell reception. And --hey!"
"What?" Kris tried to give Adam an innocent look. Adam wanted to roll his eyes. After all these years, Kris still had absolutely no poker face.
"Wasn't I supposed to be picking you up in two hours at the airport? What exactly are you doing here already?"
Kris gave another grin. "I may have wanted to surprise you and have taken an earlier flight back."
Adam smiled softly at this look. He could never resist that look on Kris's face. "Well, you know me. I never say no to surprises."
"I was hoping you'd say that." And with that, Kris reached up, moved his hand behind Adam's neck and pulled him down. And then Kris kissed him.
It was slow and soft and the culmination of six years of waiting. Six years of one of the most fulfilling friendships Adam ever had. Kris's lips slowed and pulled away ever so slightly. Adam pressed their foreheads together, keeping his eyes shut so he didn't see, only felt, when Kris licked his own lips, the tip of his tongue brushing across Adam's lips as well. Adam gave a shiver and felt hot, overwhelming desire washed through him. Kris brought his hand up and gently swept his thumb under Adam's kohl rimmed eyes, causing Adam to open them and look Kris directly in the eyes for the first time since he had walked into Adam's room and kissed him. For the first time.
"I'm sure," Kris whispered and smiled, wiping away all of Adam's doubts and fears.
Adam felt joy spring up inside his chest under Kris's hands and laughed. "Then hold on to me," he said and took Kris's sweet lips in another deep kiss.
******
The water of the shower washed over Adam and wiped the tears from his eyes. It could not, however, wash away the memory of having someone there to do the same. Thinking about how it began, Adam couldn't help but think of how it had ended.
He stepped out of the shower and cleared the fog away from the glass of the mirror with his bare hands until he could make out the blurred image of his own body. All of a sudden, Adam felt the urge to smash it all to pieces (not for the first time) and watch it break and know that he had done it. One breath later, the feeling had left him and left him feeling just a little bit emptier. He was such a fuck up. It was no wonder…
Adam took his time getting ready that morning, until the light and heat erased all the evidence of the smears his hands had caused on the mirror. He decided to forego the day to himself, not being able to stand being alone with just his own thoughts. They would rot away in his mind like grass drying up and dying under the warm California sun. He needed to be around people and more importantly, music.
No matter what anyone said, he wasn’t hiding. His mother had been a bit gentler than the rest of his friends and family when she had tried to talk to him, simply taking his hand and saying that she was worried. Adam had looked at her gentle smile and worried eyes and had hated himself just a little bit more. So he had smiled and hugged her and spent the afternoon convincing her he was fine by excitedly planning a weekend away for her. By the end of the day she had been laughing and Adam had felt the tiniest bit happier. He smiled now, as he applied his makeup, at the memory of her kiss on his cheek as she left for her trip.
The music had helped Adam in a way that people couldn’t. All his friends and family, well meaning though they were, believed that by concentrating so heavily on his music he was trying to bury his feelings and forget Kris. They didn’t understand that music had been what connected them together in the first place, as strangers just meeting off an Idol stage, then as friends separated by miles, and even now. When it was all over. He needed to do this.
Adam felt a pull in his chest, calling him to sing. He lifted the pencil in his hand to trace it around his eyes and only faltered slightly, hand shaking the smallest amount, as he admitted to himself that he missed Kris. It didn’t even leave an impression though, the lines around his eyes perfect and dark from years of practice.
It was only a few minutes later that Adam found himself sitting on his couch next to Brad, listening to him talk quickly but in that oddly gentle way he had to say something harsh and unwanted, like when he had broken up with Adam more than ten years ago. Ten years hadn’t changed Brad much, but somewhere along the way he had gone from being Adam’s lover and become one of his dearest friends and the irony made Adam want to laugh right now but he didn’t think it would be good to interrupt Brad. Brad never liked it when he did that. Kris had always thought it was hilarious the way Brad would stop and stare and arch his eyebrow. Kris had thought Brad was hilarious in general and the easy way the two had settled into a friendship had always surprised Adam.
Brad was still talking, he was talking about Kris, and Adam couldn’t remember getting from his bedroom to the living room couch. He remembered the mirror and his eyes and the way Brad’s frantic knocking had startled him into dropping the pencil onto the floor. He remembered standing up and being very careful not to step on it as he moved away toward the door.
It had been very important.
******
Kris felt joy bubbling up inside of him and it came out a moan as Adam enveloped all of him, taking Kris’s breath and smile and giving him his own in return. One hand slid up to caress his cheek and Kris wanted to speak, yet wanted to stay silent. He wanted Adam to keep kissing him with this much love and wanted to tell Adam to never stop loving him and he couldn’t decide whether to stay quiet or speak.
Kris had plans. Plans beyond that first single kiss he’d initiated. He’d planned to tell Adam everything he’d finally decided he wanted and forgot his need to tell Adam exactly how scared he was that he would ruin everything he already had. And he would take his hand and try to make Adam understand. Kris had wanted to tell Adam that he was everything, friend and confidant and that Kris could not imagine what his life would have been like without him and that he never wanted to ever imagine that. Never again.
But Adam was kissing him, deep and slow. So Kris forgot all his plans and let himself fall into the kiss and did as Adam had told him
Adam had told him
and just held on. He wrapped his arms around Adam and swayed with him as the sun sank past the horizon. All Kris could see was Adam, so near to him now, and there was nothing wrong.
The world spun around and Adam laid Kris down. He covered Kris’s body with his own and Kris felt the heat on his chest and felt safe. -out of danger-
Adam traced his hand down Kris’s neck, feeling the pulse and placed a light kiss there. Kris watched with eyes wide as Adam began to unbutton his shirt, lips following where fingers revealed skin. He couldn’t hold back a quiet moan at the sight of Adam so intent on Kris’s body.
Hearing the moan, Adam looked up, a smile curving at his lips, and caught Kris’s eyes. Adam’s eyes were still rimmed with dark color, but so so bright and that was how Kris knew that this was real, seeing Adam’s smile deep in his eyes. Just the sight of Adam.
Kris’s hands trailed over broad shoulders and down sides. Shivers of pleasure and de-sire. Their bodies warm together without cover, smooth and naked. Toes curling into the bed covers as fingers explored.
There were visceral memories of the way Kris’s body had welcomed Adam’s that first time. His legs spread wide, cradling Adam’s hips, with Adam’s sure hands on and under his thighs, calming Kris’s nerves and filling him with anticipation. The waiting and need unbearable.
And then Adam kissed him again and the world slowed and stopped its spin. Kris could feel Adam deep inside and held on, hold on his legs curled around and let Adam twine them together. Every movement of Adam’s body sent waves of pleasure into Kris and Kris’s heart followed where his body went; it followed Adam.
Faster and faster his heart beat inside his chest, swelling with the feeling. And Kris waited for Adam.
-waiting-
Waiting as words of need and want spilled out of Adam’s mouth, words shifting into Kris’s name and filling him up.
Kris’s body eased and he fell into a deep sleep even as he held onto Adam. Held him through the night, into the dawn and as the sun rose in a cloudless sky. Kisses exchanged in the bright room and through a shared breakfast, Kris licking the raspberry jam from Adam’s lips.
Kris placed his head on Adam’s chest and felt the beat of his heart and knew that some day he would write a song. And when he played it he would think of this, of all these feelings, and of love, and of Adam. Kris rose up to look at Adam and tell him everything in his heart and head and all of--
and Kris was gasping and praying and choking and living all of a sudden.
******
Waking was painful.
With every breath Kris took in, a sharp burst of pain echoed through his body. His fingers tingled and his vision faded and exploded with color simultaneously. Everything was too loud, too bright, and Kris couldn’t take it all in.
There were people by his bed and he didn’t know them, couldn’t recognize a single person. Their voices swam in his ears, all of them asking him what he remembered and how he felt.
His chest was so tight and Kris remembered the way Adam held him and the way music made him feel alive. He remembered holding Adam tight and how the beat of music felt in his ears as they danced and loved and lived.
Kris remembered everything.
Kris remembered feeling it all break around him, like when Adam and music slipped away from him. He remembered smiling and being sure his heart was broken and bleeding out onto the ground and he remembered being scared and in love and how beautiful it all was. How beautiful it all is.
Kris remembered this. This ever present pain as it became harder to breathe and how Adam wasn’t here.
He didn’t know what to say when they asked him how he felt.
He felt alive. He felt alone.
******
When Kris awoke again he thought he must be dreaming. There was none of the pain he had felt upon waking before and his room was quiet.
But then he felt the cold and as a shiver ran through his body all the way down to his toes, there was a vague sensation of pain below his heart and he must be awake.
Now Kris could feel the pressure of an IV in his arm and he could hear a faint drip drip drip. As he breathed in, Kris smelled the lingering scent of bleach in the air, the underlying smell of hospital. There was nothing about this place that should feel like a dream to Kris.
Except Adam was there. He was curled up in a chair too small for him by the window. His head leaned against the pane and the sun was shining through it, catching on Adam’s hair. Kris saw the profile of Adam’s face so clearly and he wished he could touch him, just to be sure Adam was real. He would touch him gently, maybe sweep his fingers through Adam’s dark hair and let them trail down to his neck and just rest them there for moment, just enough to wake Adam and look into his eyes or hear him speak.
All Kris wanted was Adam and he closed his eyes for only a moment to send out a prayer. Kris was so thankful for what he had been given but at that moment, his prayer was only full of hope.
Kris could live without a lot of things. He could live without his parents, had done so for years, living hundreds of miles apart. One day they would be gone and he would have memories of his dad’s tight hugs and his mom’s proud smiles and everything they had taught him.
Kris could live without Katy, which he hadn’t expected years ago. But he had let her go a long time ago and he had wished her happiness. She had her own family now, and the little girl they had never had. That love had faded back into the friendship it had grown out of.
Kris could live without his music career. It had been his dream for so many years but as much as he loved performing, that career had never guaranteed him any sort of happiness.
What Kris couldn’t live without was music. Music was ingrained into his body, present in every beat of his heart and movement of his hands. But somehow over the years, Kris’s love of music had become deeply entwined with his love for Adam. When they had separated, Kris had tried to live without Adam. He had tried to carry on with being a good son and a friend and a musician as he done for years before he had even met Adam.
It hadn’t worked. If music was ingrained into his body, then Adam was in Kris’s very soul. All Kris wanted was Adam.
When Kris opened his eyes again, Adam was still there. Only this time, Kris could see all the same emotion in the bright blue of Adam’s eyes that had made Kris kiss him that very first time.
******
Adam had never expected this, had never dreamed of any of this.
Ten years ago, he had stepped onto the Idol stage in Hollywood and hadn’t had the vaguest notion of how his life would change. From there, his career had grown beyond his wildest imaginings. He had a record contract, recorded an album of his own music, went on a world tour and visited places he had only heard about before. He met musical legends, his own idols as a child, Madonna and Boy George and Queen, and he had met thousands of his own fans. His life had changed completely because of that one day.
He met Kris that day.
Kris, with his southern accent and sweet manners. Kris, with his guitar and sincere smile. Adam didn’t know what the last ten years of his life would have looked if Kris hadn’t been there.
Ten years ago, Kris had become his friend and his closest confidant, his reassurance as they were both thrust into the crazy world of fame.
Nine years ago, Kris had been his lifeline back home as Adam went off on his world tour for the first time. Adam hadn’t been alone at the time, he’d had his friends and his brother and his music. But he’d felt very alone sometimes. But then, he and Kris would call one another, send off quick texts as they both marveled at their new lives and Adam had known, he had known that Kris always understood.
Eight years, seven years and Kris was the occasional face at this charity event or that Grammy party. Adam had always been surprised to see him for some reason, even knowing that Kris was supposed to be there. He had begun to associate the Kris in his head with his phone and the sound of an incoming text message. Whenever he saw that familiar face again at some event, Adam’s heart would stutter unexpectedly for a second in his chest, evening out only when he saw Kris’s same sincere smile. And then the warmth of Kris’s chest was radiating against his own and Adam felt his own smile spreading across his face.
Six years ago, Kris was back in California for good and Adam had become something like Kris’s lifeline then. Kris lost himself in his music and Adam had reminded him to eat and to sleep, tucked him into Adam’s own guestroom when necessary. He had taken Kris by the hand and pulled him away from his guitar and piano and note-books, led him out into the sun and waited for Kris to smile again.
Five years ago, Kris had been the one who Adam celebrated with first, worried with first, sang with first.
Four years ago, Kris had returned from a trip around the world. He had come back to Adam and he had smiled that same smile. And then Kris had kissed him and Adam had never expected any of it.
He had never expected to wake up to Kris’s smile and the feel of his hand measuring the ever-quickening beats of Adam’s heart. Adam hadn’t expected them to fall into a relationship and to have Kris in his bed every night and for Kris to come out. He hadn’t expected the media’s constant questions over their relationship and Kris’s previous marriage and the ensuing debate about homosexuality and bisexuality and Christianity that echoed in every paper around the country. Adam hadn’t expected it would bring them closer together but it had and eventually, the media calmed and the people accepted them and their careers continued to soar. And for two and a half years Adam had Kris’s hand in his on every red carpet and Kris waking in his bed every morning possible.
One year ago, Adam hadn’t expected the doubts that crept in every time they were apart, hadn’t expected there to be anything he was afraid to tell Kris after all those years. But they had been apart more often than not, both of their careers and labels demanding more and more time from each of them. When one was at home, the other was in New York or London or five miles away at the recording studio, anywhere the other wasn’t and for some reason, neither of them had been able to go back to their daily texts or phone calls, anything to keep them in contact.
They had drifted and then one day Adam was arguing with Kris, wondering why Kris was even with him anymore, remembering Kris loving him once but that feeling of surety had slipped away and he didn’t know when or why. Kris’s smile disappeared and one day, so had his guitar.
After Kris left, Adam wondered if Kris had the same doubts and fears that he did and that he hadn’t known what to say either because they had always understood each other. Adam wondered if this time they both understood it was over. The media caught on quickly and discovered that Kris had been the one to move out and every time Adam left the house --just his house now--, pictures of him followed. Adam saw every one of them and in each of them Adam knew he looked too alone and that the evidence of too much makeup around his eyes was noticeable. Adam watched for the other pictures too, those rare ones of Kris, and he wondered if he could ever expect to see Kris’s smile again.
Adam hadn’t expected the last ten years of his life, for them to be so caught up in one person, even this last year without Kris. Because for the last year, Adam had been trying to figure out a way to talk to Kris again and had spent months creating music that could do that. He didn’t know what he had expected to happen when he finished his album or when Kris heard it, but Adam had written I love you and I’m sorry and I’m scared a thousand times into his songs and they were all for Kris. Adam couldn’t deny that he hoped that he would get the chance to see Kris one more time.
But Adam hadn’t expected to find Kris in a hospital bed, with wires going into him and then coming out. A scar along his chest and under it, Kris’s heart had stopped for a minute and his lungs had been robbed of air. Adam couldn’t imagine Kris not moving, not being able to speak or sing. He didn’t know what the next ten years of his life might look like without Kris.
Adam was told it was just a matter of waiting now, that the doctors didn’t know what to expect from here until Kris woke up. Then Kris woke up and Adam wasn’t there. He had missed seeing Kris wake up for so long, even if for only a minute, and he didn’t want to miss it ever again. Adam settled into a chair and watched as Kris’s chest slowly rose and fell and tried to keep his own eyes from closing as he felt the sun rising through the window.
Adam thought he’d only been asleep for a second when he opened his eyes again. He wasn’t sure what woke him and he watched Kris for a minute, looking for any change. Kris opened his eyes then and in them, Adam could see the sun reflecting in them like they were a mirror. Adam could see everything he’d felt reflected in Kris’s eyes.
“Adam.” Kris’s voice was raw, barely above a whisper. Adam stood up and fumbled with the cup beside Kris’s bed. His heart was beating quickly and his hands shook badly which was probably why he tipped the cup of ice over onto the floor instead of bringing it to Kris’s mouth.
“Shit,” Adam said, grabbing a nearby towel left behind by a nurse earlier. His attention was focused on cleaning up the mess and he spoke without looking at Kris. “I’m sorry. I’m such a fuck up. I’ll fix this, I promise. I’m so sorry, Kris. I should just go and--”
Kris’s hand was shaking slightly as he reached out, his touch on Adam’s arm stilling Adam completely. Adam still couldn’t look at Kris as he spoke, “If you want me to, I can leave. I just had to be sure--”
Adam stopped abruptly because he didn’t know how to finish that sentence. He had to be sure of what? That Kris was still alive? That he would stay alive? That he still loved Adam? It was all of it and more. Adam wished he could take back what he just said. The words were the most difficult thing he had ever said. He didn’t want to go, didn’t want to hear anything about Kris from anyone else ever again. Adam wanted to be here, with Kris. He’d stay forever if Kris wanted him to.
But the words were already out there and maybe Kris didn’t want Adam to stay. Maybe he would tell Adam to leave and Adam would have to figure out how to spend not only the next ten years without Kris, but the rest of his life.
Adam heard Kris take in a harsh breath. He looked at Kris who was still alive and breathing and someday soon, would sing again and Adam thought he could be okay with just that. Kris whispered again, “Adam.”
This was it. This was what Adam had been terrified of all along. That eventually Kris would decide he didn’t need him there and he would send Adam away and Adam would have nothing left. Adam looked into Kris’s eyes and waited for him to continue.
“I’m cold, Adam.” That was all Kris said and Adam could feel the chill of his hand as it slipped down to Adam’s. Kris’s grip was strong though, holding onto Adam tightly.
Adam thought about looking away, pulling away so he can go get Kris a blanket or turn up the heat or something, anything to help. But Kris was still holding onto his hand and Adam wasn’t prepared to let go yet.
“What do you want, Kris? I’ll get you anything.” Adam was making so many promises in his head and he hoped he could keep them all.
“Hold me?” Kris asked quietly. Adam hesitated for a minute and Kris spoke again. “Please Adam?”
Adam was afraid of hurting Kris, of pulling on one of those fragile wires that was keeping Kris with him but he was more afraid of that fragile look of doubt in Kris’s eyes as he asked Adam to hold him.
So Adam just nodded and slowly climbed in next to Kris. He curled gently along Kris’s side and let his own body warm Kris’s. Adam felt Kris’s slow breath against the side of his throat like a caress. Kris’s next words were only audible because they were so close now, Kris’s face tucked into Adam’s neck.
“I don’t want you to leave.”
Adam felt a smile on his face that was full of relief and tears in his eyes that were filled with hope.
“I don’t want you to leave either,” Adam replied and he heard a shaky sob come from someone’s mouth and it might have been his or it might have been Kris because he felt the wet tears sinking into his shirt.
Maybe it was both of them. But it didn’t really matter. They were together and alive and it was beautiful and completely unexpected. Adam continued to hold on to Kris.
******
In the middle of October, about five months later, Kris will watch Adam from the side of a stage. Adam will wear a familiar jacket that is covered with spikes but Kris knows slides on like butter, the leather ten years old but still comfortable on Adam’s shoulders.
Kris will still remembers what it felt like to wear it and the memories the jacket holds are the reason Kris asks Adam to wear it that night and the reason Adam agrees.
Adam will raise his hand high in front of a crowd of tens of thousands, all gathered in front of the outdoor stage. Kris will smile and walk out to meet Adam. In front of all of them, he will kiss Adam and he will laugh as he hears their cheers.
Kris will look up and see the sun bleeding across the horizon, filling the sky with beautiful, bright golds and deep purples and vibrant red.
As he holds Adam’s hand, Kris will say thanks for the life he has been given and speak about giving a better one to so many others and the people will listen. And then Kris will begin to sing.
Thanks to
claire_kay for her constant encouragement (and constant reads) to continue writing this even after I traumatized myself
bubby_wubby and bright_lights28 for whipping out the red cursors and making this story so much less confusing. Special mention to bubby_wubby for the title suggestion.
And a special thanks to nowheretogo26 for rescuing this story when I forgot to format it correctly and keeping me from having to hijack a store computer. That would not have ended well for me or this story.
Also, thanks to sly_fuck again for her beautiful art that inspired this story and being okay with a little angst.
Art link: Art Masterlist
Artist: sly_fuck
Fic Title: Bleed Across The Horizon
Author: diane_mckay
Rating: R
Word Count: ~7200
Warnings: sexual content, references to violence, angst
Summary: Kris and Adam are still holding on to the past, but the days just keep coming. Futurefic.
Author's note: Written for kradamreversebb for prompt #16 a challenge in which the artist creates the art first and then the author writes a story inspired by the art. Also, I don’t own these people.
Chris
A glance at the name on the outside of the cup that was handed to him made Kris roll his eyes slightly. The barista had already turned away, his attention refocused on the only other person within the small Starbucks that Kris frequented. Another employee, a young woman, was carefully filling the front case with croissants, danishes, and a variety of other sweet smelling treats.
For a second, Kris thought he caught the scent of fresh raspberries in the air and he squeezed his eyes shut against the memories that rose up. Sweet memories of early mornings and sunshine and licking a faint hint of red from another's lips. Then the bitter overwhelmed sweet and all that remained was the small coffee shop and the three people inside.
Kris's brief struggle went unnoticed. Neither of the other two paying him much attention; her gaze too focused on her work, his caught by the gentle sway of the blond hair framing her face, the light catching and reflecting off of it. Her name was Sera. Spelled with an “e” she had told Kris once - her hands moving quickly, pen in hand, forming the letter K on the rim of his cup - because it reminded her mother of angels. She wanted to be a baker and was saving money to go school. The product of a single parent, she had joked in a way that wasn't all that funny to Kris because there seemed to be a little too much truth to it but he had smiled anyway because she was young, hopeful and full of dreams.
The boy’s name was John and he had only recently begun to work at this coffee house. Kris did, however, suspect that John's recent change of careers had something to do with Sera. Sera didn't seem to notice but Kris thought she might soon. Kris knew from experience that people could only remain oblivious to love for so long. He hoped they didn't get hurt. Kris didn't know much else about John other than the fact that he obviously wasn't a Kris Allen fan. Kris couldn't say he was surprised. It didn't seem like too many people were these days.
As he headed for the door, passing the display case, Kris caught Sera's eye for a moment and she sent him a kind smile and a wave, as she always did. Kris had to remind himself that they were only acquaintances, not friends. It wasn't his place to ask if her college plans were turning out the way she hoped, or if her boss was making her work all the worst shifts, or if she was getting enough sleep. Kris mustered up a half smile in return and made sure to reach into his pocket and pull out some change, depositing it in the jar labeled "college fund (or groceries)" next to her station.
There was a faint tinkle of bells as Kris left the shop, leaving the warmth behind and allowing the three to become two once again. And Kris was alone once more.
He stood for a minute outside the shop to gather himself and braced his body against the wind that blew loudly.
The thought of his day had him sighing and lifting his cup for another sip, the coffee making him feel slightly warmer if not more alive. Kris had woken up this morning feeling tired in a way he hadn't in months, not since the last few weeks of his most recent tour. During those weeks the days had become a long cycle of waking up, singing, sleeping. These days it was more like try to sleep, get up, fail to sing. Which is probably why his label had hauled him in for a meeting this morning. Months off his last tour, Kris had yet to make any progress on a new album. Initially, the label had been understanding, happy with the revenue still coming in off his latest single. But there had been a shift from understanding to not so understanding to impatient to angry messages left on his voicemail to get his ass into the office and remember that Kris's contract lawyer was provided by them. Click.
His label’s attitude could be traced back to the public's perception of him. Back to months ago when website headlines and Twitter responses had gone from cautiously accepting and/or openly in favor of Kris to decidedly against Kris in no time at all. After all, most people were willing to form an opinion based on rumors. Whether the rumor was true or not (It was. Oh, God. It was.). Whether there was more to it than a simple explanation (Kris really didn't want to think about all the broken-down details but he couldn't help it sometimes. Most times.) The opinion most people had seemed to have was that his career-his music- was barely worth the effort of clicking a button. Sales had rapidly begun to plummet. The label had freaked out and pushed Kris to make an effort -- respond to the public's criticism, or to even just to go out in public. He hadn't. Thus, today's meeting.
Kris wondered if his management was going to try to persuade him to make an effort to salvage his career or if they were about to drop him. He wondered which meeting would take longer.
Kris didn't wonder if he should tell them about the empty sheet music on his desk or the dust gathering on his guitar. He already knew nothing could change that.
He shivered again against a sudden chill and pulled his plaid shirt closer to him. Kris looked down at his coffee cup and thought about maybe going back to his bare apartment and curling up in bed, waiting for a dream.
When he looked up again, he was no longer alone on the sidewalk outside the cafe. There was a young boy standing less than ten feet from him now and Kris couldn't explain how he had failed to notice the boy's approach, except the boy looked like he was used to being overlooked. His jeans were threadbare, worn by many other people before they finally made their way to him. He was shivering but that could easily be explained by the overlarge shirt he was wearing. The shirt was very white, like someone had taken care in trying to make it look new. The boy looked like a perfect blend of cocoa and cream; Kris couldn't see his eyes clearly from this distance but they looked light. Kris suspected they were green. Judging from his height, the boy looked maybe twelve but the way he held himself made Kris think he was probably younger and just tall for his age. The boy looked cold and scared and as Kris took a small step forward, lips curving into a gentle smile, he wondered why the boy wasn't in school.
The boy jumped in surprise at the sound of a siren.
There was a swelling of sound in Kris's ears like the first deep chord struck of a song and his fingers moved in reaction, automatic, without thought. He could feel the beat, like a drum, and the way his body responded to it. His muscles eased and his eyes closed and something a little bit like joy and relief and love swept through him. He hadn't felt it in so long. He hadn't felt anything at all.
He smiled and breathed in. And oh, God. Pain Like he'd never felt in his life, not like this. Kris's eyes were open again and he could feel every inch of his body, all of it screaming at him. Saying, Look what's happened to you. Look.
He came to the sudden realization that he was lying on the ground and there, over there was his coffee cup, still rolling from being dropped; something dark and bitter spilling out next to him. He let his eyes drift upward toward the sky and saw the dark clouds. He couldn't feel his feet now. Kris wondered if they were still there. He hoped so, he might need them one day. For something. He couldn't think of what right now.
Now someone was saying something. A pretty girl with light hair was leaning over him and he couldn't see the clouds anymore. She looked like an angel. He reached out to touch her swaying hair and there was a smear of bright color on her hair when he couldn't hold his hand up anymore. Was she talking to him? It sounded familiar, like something he should know. A name maybe? He wondered what her name was. Oh, and now the clouds were turning a bright and beautiful color.
He wanted to know if everyone else saw them, they were so beautiful like that. He looked around and there were so many people there now. He wished they could all see it. There was a little boy with sea green eyes kneeling next to him, looking at him and he was crying. He wanted to tell the boy not to be sad, to tell him Look, look up at the sky and see all the beauty the world has to offer but he couldn't speak.
It was so quiet now, just that strange beat in his head. Kris thought it might stop soon. He knew from experience; all songs had to stop eventually. The thought made him tremble a little though, because he wasn't sure what he was supposed to do after that. He wished he could keep the song going but all the words were stuck in his head and wouldn't come out of his mouth, stuck to his tongue. It was so hard to breathe like that. Kris was sure that there were sweet words, if only he could speak. He wondered what Adam would sing. Hold on
All this love in his body but Kris couldn't hold it in anymore. It pulled his eyes away and all of it was spilling out from his skin. Kris was sure his heart was breaking. He had thought it was already gone, thought he didn't have any more heart to give after Adam. He was wrong . Kris thought his heart must have just grown hard before and now it was broken, because he was broken now. And all of his blood was spilling out of his body and Kris couldn't hold it in and it was coloring the sky and the girl's hair and the boy's jeans and the hard ground.
Soon it would all be gone and there would be no more love left and Kris couldn't stop it,
couldn't slow it, couldn't do anything but--
Kris wondered if Adam was singing right then. Kris wondered what Adam would think when he found out -found out- that all of Kris's love was gone.
Kris didn't wonder if he was dying.
******
Adam carefully lifted his hand to his eyes as he watched the reflection across from him do the same. He slowly traced around them, eyes becoming darker and darker until he shut them for just a moment, opening them again to see that he was almost unrecognizable from before. Adam stared into the mirror for several long minutes measuring his lone image. He thought he might be missing something.
Another minute passed and then Adam noticed his reflection had gained a companion. The three of them smiled at each other; Adam and his two counterparts in the mirror. He turned away from them then, already moving and rising towards Kris.
******
Adam stretched slowly. His back arched slightly and his toes curled into his warm sheets, grounding him as he slowly woke. His arms rose, breaking free from the wave of dreams. He hummed a line of music and smiled.
Outside of the window beside the bed, he could see the sun had risen and the morning was half gone. Adam couldn't help but be glad of that. Despite all he had to do, mental lists in his head blinking at him urgently, Adam really had no schedule to adhere to except his own and could more than afford a day for himself. His album was coming along slowly but surely, enough to satisfy the label. Adam himself was more than satisfied with his work. He actually thought he might be a little in love with this album more than any of his previous work. Maybe because this time he wasn't trying to prove that he could do everything or even that he deserved all the recognition he had received. Adam felt he had something more important to say this time and really, this album had become the most personal, intimate thing he had ever had a part of. So it had to be right.
Adam could see the sun was just beginning to break free of the clouds. He thought it might settle into a beautiful day and was determined to make sure it was. He glanced at his phone on his night stand, a light blinking silently to inform him he had waiting messages. Adam stood up and walked to the bathroom door, bypassing his phone completely. Before walking into the bathroom, he glanced back at the unmade empty bed, nightstand on either side. Adam sighed and shut the door behind him.
As he showered, Adam tried to regain the memory of the happiness his dream had left him before reality had set in. He closed his eyes and remembered-Kris.
******
As Adam moved towards Kris, he felt a grin breaking across his face. Kris met him in the middle and then they were hugging.
Adam ducked his head low and felt the softness of Kris's hair against his cheek. He hadn't realized until that moment just how much he had missed Kris. It wasn't the first time they had been apart for months and of course, Adam had always missed Kris. After all, Kris was one of his closest friends. But Adam had years of experience with this and was used to being away from his friends due to his tours and appearances and all the commitments that came with being a recording artist. And with Kris, those separations had only been compounded by Kris's own obligations to his family, fans, and label. They had become used to the occasional text that sustained their friendship in the years following Idol, after Kris had returned to Arkansas, and when their careers both took successful but very separate paths. But whenever they had managed to meet, they had picked up right where they left off, as if they had never been apart.
Eventually, when Kris's marriage had slowly dissolved and his reasons for staying in Arkansas had gradually disappeared, Kris returned to LA. Adam remembered how Kris had been, when he first saw him after the divorce. Kris had been so sad and afraid that he had lost all of the friendship between him and Katy. Both Kris and Katy had agreed the divorce truly was the best for both of them; they had been hurting too much together. Adam remembered being so afraid for Kris and had been determined to be there for his friend. And then Kris had recovered slowly, taking solace in his music and the comfort of all his friends, and had eventually created an album that had honored his loss and his friendships. It had won him a Grammy nomination and then a win. Katy had been the first to hug Kris with congratulations and Adam had been the second. That had been a good day.
"I missed you," Adam finally murmured and pulled back from the hug slightly to look at Kris.
Kris laughed in response and said, "I missed you too. But I was only gone for two weeks this time."
"Yes. But you were in Africa this time. With no cell reception. And --hey!"
"What?" Kris tried to give Adam an innocent look. Adam wanted to roll his eyes. After all these years, Kris still had absolutely no poker face.
"Wasn't I supposed to be picking you up in two hours at the airport? What exactly are you doing here already?"
Kris gave another grin. "I may have wanted to surprise you and have taken an earlier flight back."
Adam smiled softly at this look. He could never resist that look on Kris's face. "Well, you know me. I never say no to surprises."
"I was hoping you'd say that." And with that, Kris reached up, moved his hand behind Adam's neck and pulled him down. And then Kris kissed him.
It was slow and soft and the culmination of six years of waiting. Six years of one of the most fulfilling friendships Adam ever had. Kris's lips slowed and pulled away ever so slightly. Adam pressed their foreheads together, keeping his eyes shut so he didn't see, only felt, when Kris licked his own lips, the tip of his tongue brushing across Adam's lips as well. Adam gave a shiver and felt hot, overwhelming desire washed through him. Kris brought his hand up and gently swept his thumb under Adam's kohl rimmed eyes, causing Adam to open them and look Kris directly in the eyes for the first time since he had walked into Adam's room and kissed him. For the first time.
"I'm sure," Kris whispered and smiled, wiping away all of Adam's doubts and fears.
Adam felt joy spring up inside his chest under Kris's hands and laughed. "Then hold on to me," he said and took Kris's sweet lips in another deep kiss.
******
The water of the shower washed over Adam and wiped the tears from his eyes. It could not, however, wash away the memory of having someone there to do the same. Thinking about how it began, Adam couldn't help but think of how it had ended.
He stepped out of the shower and cleared the fog away from the glass of the mirror with his bare hands until he could make out the blurred image of his own body. All of a sudden, Adam felt the urge to smash it all to pieces (not for the first time) and watch it break and know that he had done it. One breath later, the feeling had left him and left him feeling just a little bit emptier. He was such a fuck up. It was no wonder…
Adam took his time getting ready that morning, until the light and heat erased all the evidence of the smears his hands had caused on the mirror. He decided to forego the day to himself, not being able to stand being alone with just his own thoughts. They would rot away in his mind like grass drying up and dying under the warm California sun. He needed to be around people and more importantly, music.
No matter what anyone said, he wasn’t hiding. His mother had been a bit gentler than the rest of his friends and family when she had tried to talk to him, simply taking his hand and saying that she was worried. Adam had looked at her gentle smile and worried eyes and had hated himself just a little bit more. So he had smiled and hugged her and spent the afternoon convincing her he was fine by excitedly planning a weekend away for her. By the end of the day she had been laughing and Adam had felt the tiniest bit happier. He smiled now, as he applied his makeup, at the memory of her kiss on his cheek as she left for her trip.
The music had helped Adam in a way that people couldn’t. All his friends and family, well meaning though they were, believed that by concentrating so heavily on his music he was trying to bury his feelings and forget Kris. They didn’t understand that music had been what connected them together in the first place, as strangers just meeting off an Idol stage, then as friends separated by miles, and even now. When it was all over. He needed to do this.
Adam felt a pull in his chest, calling him to sing. He lifted the pencil in his hand to trace it around his eyes and only faltered slightly, hand shaking the smallest amount, as he admitted to himself that he missed Kris. It didn’t even leave an impression though, the lines around his eyes perfect and dark from years of practice.
It was only a few minutes later that Adam found himself sitting on his couch next to Brad, listening to him talk quickly but in that oddly gentle way he had to say something harsh and unwanted, like when he had broken up with Adam more than ten years ago. Ten years hadn’t changed Brad much, but somewhere along the way he had gone from being Adam’s lover and become one of his dearest friends and the irony made Adam want to laugh right now but he didn’t think it would be good to interrupt Brad. Brad never liked it when he did that. Kris had always thought it was hilarious the way Brad would stop and stare and arch his eyebrow. Kris had thought Brad was hilarious in general and the easy way the two had settled into a friendship had always surprised Adam.
Brad was still talking, he was talking about Kris, and Adam couldn’t remember getting from his bedroom to the living room couch. He remembered the mirror and his eyes and the way Brad’s frantic knocking had startled him into dropping the pencil onto the floor. He remembered standing up and being very careful not to step on it as he moved away toward the door.
It had been very important.
******
Kris felt joy bubbling up inside of him and it came out a moan as Adam enveloped all of him, taking Kris’s breath and smile and giving him his own in return. One hand slid up to caress his cheek and Kris wanted to speak, yet wanted to stay silent. He wanted Adam to keep kissing him with this much love and wanted to tell Adam to never stop loving him and he couldn’t decide whether to stay quiet or speak.
Kris had plans. Plans beyond that first single kiss he’d initiated. He’d planned to tell Adam everything he’d finally decided he wanted and forgot his need to tell Adam exactly how scared he was that he would ruin everything he already had. And he would take his hand and try to make Adam understand. Kris had wanted to tell Adam that he was everything, friend and confidant and that Kris could not imagine what his life would have been like without him and that he never wanted to ever imagine that. Never again.
But Adam was kissing him, deep and slow. So Kris forgot all his plans and let himself fall into the kiss and did as Adam had told him
Adam had told him
and just held on. He wrapped his arms around Adam and swayed with him as the sun sank past the horizon. All Kris could see was Adam, so near to him now, and there was nothing wrong.
The world spun around and Adam laid Kris down. He covered Kris’s body with his own and Kris felt the heat on his chest and felt safe. -out of danger-
Adam traced his hand down Kris’s neck, feeling the pulse and placed a light kiss there. Kris watched with eyes wide as Adam began to unbutton his shirt, lips following where fingers revealed skin. He couldn’t hold back a quiet moan at the sight of Adam so intent on Kris’s body.
Hearing the moan, Adam looked up, a smile curving at his lips, and caught Kris’s eyes. Adam’s eyes were still rimmed with dark color, but so so bright and that was how Kris knew that this was real, seeing Adam’s smile deep in his eyes. Just the sight of Adam.
Kris’s hands trailed over broad shoulders and down sides. Shivers of pleasure and de-sire. Their bodies warm together without cover, smooth and naked. Toes curling into the bed covers as fingers explored.
There were visceral memories of the way Kris’s body had welcomed Adam’s that first time. His legs spread wide, cradling Adam’s hips, with Adam’s sure hands on and under his thighs, calming Kris’s nerves and filling him with anticipation. The waiting and need unbearable.
And then Adam kissed him again and the world slowed and stopped its spin. Kris could feel Adam deep inside and held on, hold on his legs curled around and let Adam twine them together. Every movement of Adam’s body sent waves of pleasure into Kris and Kris’s heart followed where his body went; it followed Adam.
Faster and faster his heart beat inside his chest, swelling with the feeling. And Kris waited for Adam.
-waiting-
Waiting as words of need and want spilled out of Adam’s mouth, words shifting into Kris’s name and filling him up.
Kris’s body eased and he fell into a deep sleep even as he held onto Adam. Held him through the night, into the dawn and as the sun rose in a cloudless sky. Kisses exchanged in the bright room and through a shared breakfast, Kris licking the raspberry jam from Adam’s lips.
Kris placed his head on Adam’s chest and felt the beat of his heart and knew that some day he would write a song. And when he played it he would think of this, of all these feelings, and of love, and of Adam. Kris rose up to look at Adam and tell him everything in his heart and head and all of--
and Kris was gasping and praying and choking and living all of a sudden.
******
Waking was painful.
With every breath Kris took in, a sharp burst of pain echoed through his body. His fingers tingled and his vision faded and exploded with color simultaneously. Everything was too loud, too bright, and Kris couldn’t take it all in.
There were people by his bed and he didn’t know them, couldn’t recognize a single person. Their voices swam in his ears, all of them asking him what he remembered and how he felt.
His chest was so tight and Kris remembered the way Adam held him and the way music made him feel alive. He remembered holding Adam tight and how the beat of music felt in his ears as they danced and loved and lived.
Kris remembered everything.
Kris remembered feeling it all break around him, like when Adam and music slipped away from him. He remembered smiling and being sure his heart was broken and bleeding out onto the ground and he remembered being scared and in love and how beautiful it all was. How beautiful it all is.
Kris remembered this. This ever present pain as it became harder to breathe and how Adam wasn’t here.
He didn’t know what to say when they asked him how he felt.
He felt alive. He felt alone.
******
When Kris awoke again he thought he must be dreaming. There was none of the pain he had felt upon waking before and his room was quiet.
But then he felt the cold and as a shiver ran through his body all the way down to his toes, there was a vague sensation of pain below his heart and he must be awake.
Now Kris could feel the pressure of an IV in his arm and he could hear a faint drip drip drip. As he breathed in, Kris smelled the lingering scent of bleach in the air, the underlying smell of hospital. There was nothing about this place that should feel like a dream to Kris.
Except Adam was there. He was curled up in a chair too small for him by the window. His head leaned against the pane and the sun was shining through it, catching on Adam’s hair. Kris saw the profile of Adam’s face so clearly and he wished he could touch him, just to be sure Adam was real. He would touch him gently, maybe sweep his fingers through Adam’s dark hair and let them trail down to his neck and just rest them there for moment, just enough to wake Adam and look into his eyes or hear him speak.
All Kris wanted was Adam and he closed his eyes for only a moment to send out a prayer. Kris was so thankful for what he had been given but at that moment, his prayer was only full of hope.
Kris could live without a lot of things. He could live without his parents, had done so for years, living hundreds of miles apart. One day they would be gone and he would have memories of his dad’s tight hugs and his mom’s proud smiles and everything they had taught him.
Kris could live without Katy, which he hadn’t expected years ago. But he had let her go a long time ago and he had wished her happiness. She had her own family now, and the little girl they had never had. That love had faded back into the friendship it had grown out of.
Kris could live without his music career. It had been his dream for so many years but as much as he loved performing, that career had never guaranteed him any sort of happiness.
What Kris couldn’t live without was music. Music was ingrained into his body, present in every beat of his heart and movement of his hands. But somehow over the years, Kris’s love of music had become deeply entwined with his love for Adam. When they had separated, Kris had tried to live without Adam. He had tried to carry on with being a good son and a friend and a musician as he done for years before he had even met Adam.
It hadn’t worked. If music was ingrained into his body, then Adam was in Kris’s very soul. All Kris wanted was Adam.
When Kris opened his eyes again, Adam was still there. Only this time, Kris could see all the same emotion in the bright blue of Adam’s eyes that had made Kris kiss him that very first time.
******
Adam had never expected this, had never dreamed of any of this.
Ten years ago, he had stepped onto the Idol stage in Hollywood and hadn’t had the vaguest notion of how his life would change. From there, his career had grown beyond his wildest imaginings. He had a record contract, recorded an album of his own music, went on a world tour and visited places he had only heard about before. He met musical legends, his own idols as a child, Madonna and Boy George and Queen, and he had met thousands of his own fans. His life had changed completely because of that one day.
He met Kris that day.
Kris, with his southern accent and sweet manners. Kris, with his guitar and sincere smile. Adam didn’t know what the last ten years of his life would have looked if Kris hadn’t been there.
Ten years ago, Kris had become his friend and his closest confidant, his reassurance as they were both thrust into the crazy world of fame.
Nine years ago, Kris had been his lifeline back home as Adam went off on his world tour for the first time. Adam hadn’t been alone at the time, he’d had his friends and his brother and his music. But he’d felt very alone sometimes. But then, he and Kris would call one another, send off quick texts as they both marveled at their new lives and Adam had known, he had known that Kris always understood.
Eight years, seven years and Kris was the occasional face at this charity event or that Grammy party. Adam had always been surprised to see him for some reason, even knowing that Kris was supposed to be there. He had begun to associate the Kris in his head with his phone and the sound of an incoming text message. Whenever he saw that familiar face again at some event, Adam’s heart would stutter unexpectedly for a second in his chest, evening out only when he saw Kris’s same sincere smile. And then the warmth of Kris’s chest was radiating against his own and Adam felt his own smile spreading across his face.
Six years ago, Kris was back in California for good and Adam had become something like Kris’s lifeline then. Kris lost himself in his music and Adam had reminded him to eat and to sleep, tucked him into Adam’s own guestroom when necessary. He had taken Kris by the hand and pulled him away from his guitar and piano and note-books, led him out into the sun and waited for Kris to smile again.
Five years ago, Kris had been the one who Adam celebrated with first, worried with first, sang with first.
Four years ago, Kris had returned from a trip around the world. He had come back to Adam and he had smiled that same smile. And then Kris had kissed him and Adam had never expected any of it.
He had never expected to wake up to Kris’s smile and the feel of his hand measuring the ever-quickening beats of Adam’s heart. Adam hadn’t expected them to fall into a relationship and to have Kris in his bed every night and for Kris to come out. He hadn’t expected the media’s constant questions over their relationship and Kris’s previous marriage and the ensuing debate about homosexuality and bisexuality and Christianity that echoed in every paper around the country. Adam hadn’t expected it would bring them closer together but it had and eventually, the media calmed and the people accepted them and their careers continued to soar. And for two and a half years Adam had Kris’s hand in his on every red carpet and Kris waking in his bed every morning possible.
One year ago, Adam hadn’t expected the doubts that crept in every time they were apart, hadn’t expected there to be anything he was afraid to tell Kris after all those years. But they had been apart more often than not, both of their careers and labels demanding more and more time from each of them. When one was at home, the other was in New York or London or five miles away at the recording studio, anywhere the other wasn’t and for some reason, neither of them had been able to go back to their daily texts or phone calls, anything to keep them in contact.
They had drifted and then one day Adam was arguing with Kris, wondering why Kris was even with him anymore, remembering Kris loving him once but that feeling of surety had slipped away and he didn’t know when or why. Kris’s smile disappeared and one day, so had his guitar.
After Kris left, Adam wondered if Kris had the same doubts and fears that he did and that he hadn’t known what to say either because they had always understood each other. Adam wondered if this time they both understood it was over. The media caught on quickly and discovered that Kris had been the one to move out and every time Adam left the house --just his house now--, pictures of him followed. Adam saw every one of them and in each of them Adam knew he looked too alone and that the evidence of too much makeup around his eyes was noticeable. Adam watched for the other pictures too, those rare ones of Kris, and he wondered if he could ever expect to see Kris’s smile again.
Adam hadn’t expected the last ten years of his life, for them to be so caught up in one person, even this last year without Kris. Because for the last year, Adam had been trying to figure out a way to talk to Kris again and had spent months creating music that could do that. He didn’t know what he had expected to happen when he finished his album or when Kris heard it, but Adam had written I love you and I’m sorry and I’m scared a thousand times into his songs and they were all for Kris. Adam couldn’t deny that he hoped that he would get the chance to see Kris one more time.
But Adam hadn’t expected to find Kris in a hospital bed, with wires going into him and then coming out. A scar along his chest and under it, Kris’s heart had stopped for a minute and his lungs had been robbed of air. Adam couldn’t imagine Kris not moving, not being able to speak or sing. He didn’t know what the next ten years of his life might look like without Kris.
Adam was told it was just a matter of waiting now, that the doctors didn’t know what to expect from here until Kris woke up. Then Kris woke up and Adam wasn’t there. He had missed seeing Kris wake up for so long, even if for only a minute, and he didn’t want to miss it ever again. Adam settled into a chair and watched as Kris’s chest slowly rose and fell and tried to keep his own eyes from closing as he felt the sun rising through the window.
Adam thought he’d only been asleep for a second when he opened his eyes again. He wasn’t sure what woke him and he watched Kris for a minute, looking for any change. Kris opened his eyes then and in them, Adam could see the sun reflecting in them like they were a mirror. Adam could see everything he’d felt reflected in Kris’s eyes.
“Adam.” Kris’s voice was raw, barely above a whisper. Adam stood up and fumbled with the cup beside Kris’s bed. His heart was beating quickly and his hands shook badly which was probably why he tipped the cup of ice over onto the floor instead of bringing it to Kris’s mouth.
“Shit,” Adam said, grabbing a nearby towel left behind by a nurse earlier. His attention was focused on cleaning up the mess and he spoke without looking at Kris. “I’m sorry. I’m such a fuck up. I’ll fix this, I promise. I’m so sorry, Kris. I should just go and--”
Kris’s hand was shaking slightly as he reached out, his touch on Adam’s arm stilling Adam completely. Adam still couldn’t look at Kris as he spoke, “If you want me to, I can leave. I just had to be sure--”
Adam stopped abruptly because he didn’t know how to finish that sentence. He had to be sure of what? That Kris was still alive? That he would stay alive? That he still loved Adam? It was all of it and more. Adam wished he could take back what he just said. The words were the most difficult thing he had ever said. He didn’t want to go, didn’t want to hear anything about Kris from anyone else ever again. Adam wanted to be here, with Kris. He’d stay forever if Kris wanted him to.
But the words were already out there and maybe Kris didn’t want Adam to stay. Maybe he would tell Adam to leave and Adam would have to figure out how to spend not only the next ten years without Kris, but the rest of his life.
Adam heard Kris take in a harsh breath. He looked at Kris who was still alive and breathing and someday soon, would sing again and Adam thought he could be okay with just that. Kris whispered again, “Adam.”
This was it. This was what Adam had been terrified of all along. That eventually Kris would decide he didn’t need him there and he would send Adam away and Adam would have nothing left. Adam looked into Kris’s eyes and waited for him to continue.
“I’m cold, Adam.” That was all Kris said and Adam could feel the chill of his hand as it slipped down to Adam’s. Kris’s grip was strong though, holding onto Adam tightly.
Adam thought about looking away, pulling away so he can go get Kris a blanket or turn up the heat or something, anything to help. But Kris was still holding onto his hand and Adam wasn’t prepared to let go yet.
“What do you want, Kris? I’ll get you anything.” Adam was making so many promises in his head and he hoped he could keep them all.
“Hold me?” Kris asked quietly. Adam hesitated for a minute and Kris spoke again. “Please Adam?”
Adam was afraid of hurting Kris, of pulling on one of those fragile wires that was keeping Kris with him but he was more afraid of that fragile look of doubt in Kris’s eyes as he asked Adam to hold him.
So Adam just nodded and slowly climbed in next to Kris. He curled gently along Kris’s side and let his own body warm Kris’s. Adam felt Kris’s slow breath against the side of his throat like a caress. Kris’s next words were only audible because they were so close now, Kris’s face tucked into Adam’s neck.
“I don’t want you to leave.”
Adam felt a smile on his face that was full of relief and tears in his eyes that were filled with hope.
“I don’t want you to leave either,” Adam replied and he heard a shaky sob come from someone’s mouth and it might have been his or it might have been Kris because he felt the wet tears sinking into his shirt.
Maybe it was both of them. But it didn’t really matter. They were together and alive and it was beautiful and completely unexpected. Adam continued to hold on to Kris.
******
In the middle of October, about five months later, Kris will watch Adam from the side of a stage. Adam will wear a familiar jacket that is covered with spikes but Kris knows slides on like butter, the leather ten years old but still comfortable on Adam’s shoulders.
Kris will still remembers what it felt like to wear it and the memories the jacket holds are the reason Kris asks Adam to wear it that night and the reason Adam agrees.
Adam will raise his hand high in front of a crowd of tens of thousands, all gathered in front of the outdoor stage. Kris will smile and walk out to meet Adam. In front of all of them, he will kiss Adam and he will laugh as he hears their cheers.
Kris will look up and see the sun bleeding across the horizon, filling the sky with beautiful, bright golds and deep purples and vibrant red.
As he holds Adam’s hand, Kris will say thanks for the life he has been given and speak about giving a better one to so many others and the people will listen. And then Kris will begin to sing.
Thanks to
claire_kay for her constant encouragement (and constant reads) to continue writing this even after I traumatized myself
bubby_wubby and bright_lights28 for whipping out the red cursors and making this story so much less confusing. Special mention to bubby_wubby for the title suggestion.
And a special thanks to nowheretogo26 for rescuing this story when I forgot to format it correctly and keeping me from having to hijack a store computer. That would not have ended well for me or this story.
Also, thanks to sly_fuck again for her beautiful art that inspired this story and being okay with a little angst.