(Maybe) Chapter 5
"Are we going to have to rearrange the rooms at Comic Con again?" Sheldon asked, taking the last spring roll from the spread on the coffee table.
"What do you mean?" Stuart asked, Stuart looked up from his carton of fried rice, Comic Con was just a few weeks away, anyone who didn't have a hotel booked already was probably going to be camping. He appreciated that Leonard was trying to pull Stuart into his group of friends, but listening to Sheldon's plans and theories wore a little thin.
"Well, in the past it's always been easy to book hotel rooms, Leonard and I would share one room, and Howard and Raj would share another," Sheldon stated the obvious, "Then Howard had to throw a monkey wrench in it by getting married, so he and Bernadette were going to share a room, Amy and Penny were going to share a room, and Raj was going to have his own room. But now Bernadette and Penny aren't coming, so Raj and Howard are sharing again, and Amy is going to stay with her cousin, but that means she has to drive separately in order to get from her cousin's house downtown, and the reservations for those two rooms have been canceled. Now, presumably you and Leonard will want to share a room to engage in some sort of carnal activity. If Howard and Raj still plan to share a room, where am I supposed to sleep? And, what if you and Leonard end your dalliance before Comic Con? I mean, Leonard doesn't have a particularly good history when it comes to long term relationships--"
"I'm right here!" Leonard paused from picking at his lo mien to glare at Sheldon.
"Yes, we know, Leonard, you announced your arrival when you came in with the bag of food. Anyway, what I'm saying is your romantic attachments tend to be somewhat fleeting. What if you and Stuart break up in the next few weeks? I can pull up the formulas, the odds are that this isn't going to last much longer. Anyway, if Leonard stays in whatever hovel Stuart has already reserved, who is going to be my roommate?"
"Actually-" Stuart started to chime in. Stuart had already promised to take his nephew, his sister had called him and asked if Stuart wouldn't mind if Bryan flew down for a long weekend. He'd already booked a room at a hostel downtown, for the poverty-stricken-college-student-at-Comic-Con experience.
"Wait, but then you'll have your own room," Penny said, sitting cross legged in Leonard's chair. "Isn't that good?"
"My own room? Do you realize what number of things could go wrong staying in a hotel room by yourself? What if there were a fire and I were trapped, and no one knew to look for me? Besides, a double occupancy is by far the most cost effective situation."
"Um, not that anyone asked me, but I've already-" Stuart tried to jump in again. He wondered if this was going to be his thing with Leonard's friends, that no one actually wanted to listen to him.
"My offer still stands to share a room," Amy chimed in, leaning closer to Sheldon, "then I don't have to stay on my cousin's sofa bed."
"Bernadette, are you sure you wouldn't like a fun weekend at the beach? And then you and Howard would get a room together, and Rajesh and I could share a room," Sheldon said, leaning away from Amy's advances.
"Sorry Sheldon," Bernadette said, "I don't want to take that Friday off work."
"A shame," Amy chimed in, if we could all go I had a great idea for a group costume, as Jem and the Holograms from the classic 1980s animated cartoon."
"That's great, because-" Stuart felt a tug on his sleeve, and looked over to see Raj motioning to lean in.
"Suggest we get a suite, and Sheldon can sleep in the living room," Raj whispered in his ear.
"Why don't you say something," Stuart looked confused, "Clearly no one cares if I have something to say."
Raj shook his head, "I got antibiotics when I went to the dentist yesterday, I can't have any alcohol."
Stuart nodded. "Raj has an idea!" he said somewhat forcefully. "He suggested we all get a suite. But it doesn't really matter, because I already have reservations, I'm taking my nephew."
"A suite would never work anyway," Sheldon said. "Unequal bathroom ratio, five people to two bathrooms would never work out."
"That could be a good idea," Leonard said, tapping his fork against his plate, contemplating logistics. "Or maybe adjoining rooms?"
"No," Stuart said flatly.
"Why not?" Leonard furled his brow.
"Because I don't hate my nephew! I'm not locking him in a room with Sheldon!"
*
"So, what's going on with you?" His psychiatrist flipped her notebook to a fresh page.
"Not much," Stuart shrugged, "Finally got a new computer for the store, it's so much better. It can run the latest version of Quicken, and I updated the customer database so now I can generate targeted emails, like for people's birthdays." He continued to prattle on, about the store, the new staff he was hiring, about a date with Leonard, about the new book contracts, until the clock beeped at 50 minutes.
"Well, that's our time," she said, tapping her pen against the page.
"Oh, okay. So, I guess I'll see you in two weeks? No! Wait! Not two weeks! That's Comic Con, I'm going to be in San Diego that weekend. Three weeks?"
"Actually Stuart, I think you're in a really good place, and I don't think we need to continue with twice-monthly talk therapy sessions, and we can cut back to just medication management. Why don't I put you down for 12 weeks from now, just pop by for 15 minutes and we'll make sure that everything is still working for you." She handed him the appointment card. October. October was ages away.
"Wait, but? What? I'm just done? Just like that?"
"Stuart, it's been over a year. You just spent the entire session talking about your support networks, you've been increasingly resourceful when you face unexpected challenges, like your apartment situation a few weeks ago, or last time we saw each other when your computer was making that funny noise. When we first met you said you were handwriting receipts for people because your printer was broken, now you look at your finances and go out secure new equipment for your business."
"But … but what if something goes wrong?"
"Well, then pick up the phone and call me, and we can set up an appointment. I've had the same phone number for the past 15 years, you don't have to worry about me going anywhere."
"Okay. So, 12 weeks?"
"Twelve weeks. Have fun at Comic Con."
He let himself out of the nondescript office, and stood under the awning out front to fumble with his umbrella. Since when did it rain in July? Standing at the bus stop, his thoughts swirled around him. Sure, she probably wouldn't stop the sessions if she really thought he was going to immediately fall back into the same old bad patterns, after all he'd always paid on time (well, mostly his uncle paid her, and presumably on time), so it wasn't like he wasn't a good stable client to keep around. Still, what was he going to do with his Saturday mornings before the store opened?
*
"How are we going to distribute people amongst the cars?" Sheldon looked like he was on the verge of a breakdown trying to distribute people in cars. Sheldon, Leonard, Stuart, Bryan, Raj, Howard, and Amy. Stuart swore it was a no brainer, Leonard, Stuart and Bryan in one car, Raj and Howard in Raj's car, and Amy and Sheldon in Amy's. Still, Sheldon continued to play with the little avatars on his smart board, dragging them around and discussing Raj's small bladder and distance between rest stops.
Apparently Sheldon was catching on to Amy's advances, and it was making him increasingly uncomfortable. On the one hand, Stuart felt bad for Amy: She was smart and funny and pretty, in a quirky sort of way, and for whatever reason wanted to be a relationship with Sheldon Cooper, and clearly hadn't expected it to be as one sided as it ended up for her. (One night, after a couple of glasses of wine while everyone sat on the roof looking at some passing satellite, he considered looking Charlie up, seeing if he'd turned out to be ace. And see if he had any ideas to pass on to Sheldon. Stuart blinked back to reality: they'd never been particularly good friends, and certainly not after Stuart knocked up Cassie. How would you open a conversation with "Hey, remember that time you didn't put out, and your girlfriend came to me, and I got her pregnant? Just curious, are you asexual? I'm in a very similar situation again, and I was wondering if you had any pointers for the woman's boyfriend…").
On the other hand, Sheldon tried to horn in on Stuart and Leonard often enough, that sometimes Stuart couldn't bring himself to care that Amy made Sheldon uncomfortable. Stuart tried to suggest they go to his apartment more often, particularly if the night was looking like it would end in sex. But there was also no denying that Leonard had a better couch, better TV, better internet, and a much, much better bed. Still, it rarely seemed worth it when Sheldon's voice floated through the wall "Are you close to climax? I'm having a hard time getting to sleep with my noise canceling headphones on." Or after the second emergency drill. And especially not after he woke up to find Sheldon trying to tap a vein. So, Stuart couldn't bring himself to be too upset when Amy made Sheldon uncomfortable.
"Of course, the five of us could ride in Leonard's car. With the extra weight we'd suffer fuel economy, but it would still be more efficient than three cars. Oooh, if we put the luggage in Rajesh's car, that should just about even out. Now that it's settled, let's go over an emergency preparedness drill and then take the quiz and we'll be on our way."
"Sheldon, I have to drive," Amy chimed in, "If I'm staying Santee with my cousin, I'm going to need my car."
"Uncle Stuart," Bryan leaned over and whispered in Stuart's ear, looking downright pained at the way the weekend was kicking off, "Could I just ride with the other guys? I mean, we'll all get to San Diego, right? So, I don't really have to squish in the backseat with you and Dr. Fowler? Please?"
Eventually they did pile into Raj's car (Raj, Howard, and Bryan), and Amy's car (Amy, Sheldon, Leonard, Stuart) and set off.
"You know Stuart, your nephew seems sort of rude, the way he kept messing with his phone while we were going over the safety drills. He'll have only himself to blame if there's an accident and he doesn't know what to do," Sheldon admonished from the front seat.
"He's 17, of course he's attached to his phone. And he's been riding in cars for all 17 of those years. I think he'll be fine."
"Let's play a game!" Amy said, trying to diffuse the tension. "How about Counter Factuals?"
"NO!" Leonard shouted. "Let's just turn on the radio."
*
By the first rest stop, Raj, Howard, and Bryan were laughing and having a good time.
By the time they reached the hotel, Bryan asked if they can take a trip to Tijuana, since they're "in the neighborhood."
"Tijuana is not 'in the neighborhood,'" Stuart said, collecting his overnight bag from the car. "I told your mom that I would take you to see the movie previews and buy comic books, not run the risk of you being kidnapped by some drug cartel-"
"Actually, the odds of being a victim of violent crime in Mexico have been blown out of proportion by the media," Sheldon chimed in, "the crime rate is comparable to that in Philadelphia."
"Do you want to go to Tijuana, Sheldon?" Stuart glared at him.
"Oh heavens, no. Of course not. I didn't bring my passport and the lines to return are supposedly very long and I don't want to miss the screening of Captain America 2!"
*
"So, do you have any special sessions you want to see?" Stuart asked as they settled into their room.
"Just that comic book movie," Bryan said, tapping away at his phone. "I'm sure whatever sessions you're going to will be fun. By the way, if you wanted to camp out, that's cool with me. Whatever, you know, but we don't have to stay in the nice hotel if like, the store is still having problems."
"The store is fine." Stuart glanced around the room, it could hardly be considered "nice" - the twin beds were tiny and old, there was no air conditioning, no screens on the windows (he recalled Comic Con of 2003, when he'd woken up with a stranger he met at the masquerade ball and two pigeons in his room), and Bryan hadn't actually gone down the hall to the bathroom yet, which would probably be an illuminating experience. "Did your mother say something to you?"
Bryan shook his head quickly. "No, just, you know, offering."
"Sure," Stuart deadpanned, raising an eyebrow, "Well, if you see something you want to go to, feel free. But I can't imagine who wouldn't be interested in a seminar on interesting display ideas."
"Sure, sounds like fun."
*
Friday night seemed to turn into some sort of weird Pasadena meetup that Stuart didn't really understand. What was the point in coming to the biggest comic book event in the world … to hang out with the same people you see three times a week at home? He'd run into a couple of art school buddies at the portfolio review who were organizing an informal reunion at a dive bar on the north side of town.
Saturday night he couldn't come up with a reason to avoid Leonard's friends any longer (and was thanking any deity he could think of that the other Comic Center regulars had found something else to do that night), so he and Bryan squeezed into a booth at a taco place that was trying far too hard to be a hole in the wall. The guys were all still in their coordinated Avengers outfits, and abuzz with chatter about the day.
"The left half is original comic book Avengers, the right side is the movie Avengers," Howard explained, when Bryan asked why they had two costumes sewn together. Bryan raised a weary eyebrow, and didn't ask any more questions.
"So, Stuart, would you or any of your friends from the flophouse where you live be interested in participating in my neuroimaging study on how narcotics impact the human brain. I can't get IRB approval to ask people to take heroin and then do a PET scan, but I think that if people who were already using heroin were to show up…"
"I don't currently, nor have I ever, lived in a flophouse!" Stuart said pointedly. "And I don't use heroin!"
"What if you were to get half of the compensation in advance…" Amy trailed off.
"No!"
Amy shrugged and turned to Bryan. "So, what events did you attend today?" Amy asked, trying to pull him out of his iPhone bubble.
"Um, I went to a movie screening. After that Uncle Stuart was at a session for retailers, so I went to the zoo."
The table fell silent. Stuart didn't want to make eye contact with anyone, for fear of them unleashing their fury on him.
"You went to the zoo? Instead of Comic Con?" Sheldon stuttered. "Why would you do that?"
"I uh … I didn't have any other sessions I wanted to go see?" Stuart could tell Bryan knew things were about to get very bad, very fast for him.
"So you just … didn’t go?" Raj followed up, sipping a margarita. "Who gets tickets to all three days and then just doesn't go?"
"I don't understand what the big deal is…" Bryan trailed off to tap out another message on his phone.
"Give me that infernal phone," Sheldon said, snatching the phone away from Bryan. "I hate actual social interaction as much as the next person, but what online conversation could be more important than Comic Con?"
Sheldon scrolled through the messages before looking up "Who is Bubbe and why does she care where Stuart keeps his clothes?"
"What?!" Stuart looked up and did a double take between Bryan and Sheldon before snagging the phone from Sheldon and flipping through the messages.
"I'm sorry Uncle Stuart. Bubbe offered to get me a 12-string, and Mom said my band could practice in the garage if I came to Pasadena and then told them if you weren't eating, or if you didn't have furniture or something."
In 140 character increments where dozens of questions about the state of Stuart's store (how many sales had he made on Thursday; how much tie in merchandise did he have for those popular sci-fi shows like Farscape? ["How did none of you know that Farscape has been off the air for YEARS. You have no business judging me!"], his apartment (did he have furniture, like a dresser; was he using a futon for a couch and a bed?) his refrigerator (how many sources of protein did he have in the house; was there more than ice and baking soda in the freezer?), and about himself (did his skin look particularly sallow; did he have any symptoms of scurvy?).
Stuart sighed. It wasn't unwarranted for his family to question how he was doing. He'd certainly hid things from them before, particularly after he deemed them too nosy after the whole break up with Jennifer. He wouldn't have even bothered telling his sister about the time he was living in his store if he hadn't had to explain why his car had been towed for not moving for two weeks. Still, sending a 17 year old to do recon by bribing him with a guitar? Then, Stuart had an idea. He handed the phone back to Bryan.
"If you can convince Bubbe I'm going to start doing offering myself up for medical research studies, I'll get you a fake ID and split the proceeds 80-20."
"70-30?" Bryan gave him a sly smile.
"You're getting a guitar, practice space, and a fake ID. 90-10 would be generous!"
*
"Do you really think it was fair to leave your nephew at the hands of Sheldon, Raj, and Howard to hear the complete history of Comic Con?" Leonard asked. They'd slipped away from the group and headed for one of the constant after parties that one of Stuart's friends had mentioned. Leonard handed Stuart a plastic cup from the nearby bar, then joining Stuart in rolling up the legs on his jeans and dipping his feet in the pool.
Stuart shrugged and sipped at his drink. "If he hadn't come we could have messed with Sheldon's hotel assignments, and we could have a room together. We could be having sex right now."
"Still, it seems … opportunistic, to use him to get money from your parents," Leonard frowned.
"My parents spent almost two hundred thousand dollars for me to be told I'm a good artist, and then to learn how to run a successful business into the ground. I think they're used to me being an opportunistic mooch."
They sat in silence for a while, watching other attendees walk past the pool, high fiving each other over autographs and trinkets amassed the convention. Eventually Stuart broke the silence.
"I hired a new manager for the store. So I'm only going to be working Wednesday nights now. I have enough freelance contracts lined up that I don't have to worry about taking home a salary from the store."
"Are you selling the store?" Leonard looked worried.
"No. Not yet anyway. I want to - just looking at it reminds me of what a crappy couple of years I've been having. I was so good at selling solar panels, I figured I'd be really good at selling something I liked. But it didn't really work out that way," he shrugged and took another drink. "But, I have been making exactly the wrong choice at every major crossroad in my life for the past fifteen years, so I thought I'd try the opposite of what I want to do. If I want to sell the store, I shouldn't, because if I do, there's going to be a huge rebound in the economy, and I'll have sold off a second really great idea."
"You know that's a logical fallacy, right? Post hoc--"
Stuart glared, "Yes, I took philosophy in college, too. Fine, I'm not selling it because I'll want to have a fall back in a couple of years when all my ideas dry up again."
"You don't know that your ideas are all going to dry up," Leonard said. "Maybe all these book contracts will be your big break."
"It's all cyclical. Seventeen years ago, almost to the day, I was sitting by a significantly less nice pool uptown, and I had a great boyfriend and thought my career was just about to take off. Fourteen years ago I was in the same stupid hostel I'm staying in tonight, and I was single and homeless and thought it was the pinnacle of life experience that was going to give me a fantastic tortured artist edge. Two years ago I was back in the hostel, and single, and homeless again. It's the same things, over and over again, with a different cast."
"Where does that put you now?" Leonard asked.
Stuart paused and looked over, Leonard was fidgeting and staring into his drink. Going back over what he just said, no wonder. Stuart had just implied that he assumed this was going to end as badly as all his other relationships.
"I guess I'm back to having a great boyfriend and career prospects," Stuart said.
"Maybe that's the circle, maybe I'm back at the beginning and it's time for different things… Although, perhaps not the smartest boyfriend now that I think about it for a minute," he added after sitting silently for a moment.
"Hey!" Leonard said indignantly, "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Sheldon has Bryan back at your hotel. That leaves a whole empty hostel room available. Call Sheldon and tell him to be sure and talk about the issues with fire code in 2006, that will buy us at least an hour. Two if he gives his entire safety lecture."
"Bryan definitely needs to hear the safety speech," Leonard nodded, pulling out his phone as he scrambled to his feet.
Prologue | Chapter 1 | Los Angeles | Chapter 2 | Providence | Chapter 3 | Oakland | Chapter 4 | Alhambra | Chapter 5 | Epilogue