The Truth Is Hard To Swallow [Thirty]
Title: The Truth Is Hard To Swallow [Thirty]
Author: detourtoyou
Rating: NC-17 overall
Pairing: Jack/Alex
POV: 3rd
Summary: Of course the one time he decided to act his age, Alex would end up messing even that up. But in his defense, it was hard to act his age when he was faced with things so entirely beyond his age and maturity level, like a one-night decision that decided to follow him into the rest of his life.
Warning: Mpreg
Disclaimer: This is sadly false and a complete lie created by my mind. Title taken from Toxic Valentine by All Time Low.
Dedication: For an amazing person whom I love dearly with all my heart, Mike damnedifidoyah <3
A/N: If it seems like it's moving too fast and rushed, it probably is and I'm sorry. I'm getting a little burned out to be honest haha. One more to go!
One of the many bad things of being pregnant was the constant need to be ready to go rushing to the hospital once the baby decided to really come out this time and stop screwing around with Alex. Even if it had only once or so. It was still enough. He was actually thinking about grounding it once it finally did come out because false labor? So totally not cool or fun in any way whatsoever.
But Alex supposed he couldn’t blame the little guy for not wanting to come out. For pretty much his entire pregnancy excluding the last month or so, he had heard nothing but fighting. It made Alex feel guilty that he had put him through so much, and all while he was still inside of his stomach, growing. Alex could only pray that it wouldn’t mess him up later on in life.
Lying down on his bed, Alex sighed, eyeing his history book that needed reading and a math worksheet that needed to be finished by Thursday. He closed his eyes, thinking a nap would maybe be a better option. His stomach had been cramping anyways, and if he was going to have to suffer through another false labor, he wanted to at least be able to rest before it happened. About five minutes into his nap, when Alex was just on the cusp of falling into dreamland, his phone buzzed, loud and obnoxious and rousing him out of his sleep with a sharp jolt. Alex growled, reaching for his phone from off the nightstand and checking the text message: ‘hey u at home?’
It had been precisely a week and three days since they last saw each other, with Jack driving off to confront his dad about the now canceled wedding. Still, Alex could not help the frown down turning his lips as he read it. He was a little sulky at being left alone for a week and three very long days without any form of contact, and now that Jack was deciding to finally contact him at the worst time ever, it only soured Alex’s mood instead of alleviating the worry that had cocooned him for that many more days. Muttering not very nice things under his breath, Alex typed back a quick message before flopping back onto his pillow, eyes shut with the intent to sleep. Obviously, Jack had other plans, however, interrupting once more with a reply text: ‘ok, this is prbly lame but i need to talk to u’.
Alex groaned into the fabric of his pillowcase, typing back a response, ‘nows not a good time. sleeping.’
Content that Jack would stop bothering him, Alex tossed his phone back onto the nightstand, hardly caring that he was potentially damaging it from his lack of care when handling it. He needed a new phone anyways. Snuggling into his pillow, Alex breathed, letting his conscious drop.
The doorbell chimed, and Alex almost cried. Instead, however, he wiggled to a standing position, brows furrowed together and mouth set into a scowl. With heavy footsteps, he eased himself down the stairs and to the front door, yanking it open.
“Um. Hey.”
Any mean words Alex may have had brewing in his mind while he had been on his way down disappeared, catching in his throat. Jack awkwardly shifted from one leg to the other, scratching the back of his head.
“I thought you might want some,” he said without explanation, holding up the carton of Cold Stone ice cream. Alex stepped back to let him through, still trying to find his voice. “I wasn’t really sure what you’d like, since you’re pregnant and your taste buds are all whacked.”
“No, it’s, um, it’s fine, thanks,” Alex said meekly, following Jack into the kitchen where he set the carton on the table. Their eyes met, awkward in the meeting, and Jack coughed into his hand. “So, what’s the occasion?” asked Alex quickly, diverting his own attention back to the frosted carton. He wondered if he should get spoons.
“I dunno. I just got off work and though you’d maybe like some ice cream. Especially after you told me about how your mom is like, stuffing you full of vegetables and other healthy stuff.”
“Yeah. Yeah,” he agreed, touched that Jack had remembered his offhanded complaint. “Thanks. You didn’t have to, you know.”
Cheeks flushing, Jack shrugged, pretending like it wasn’t a big deal when it was. To both of them. “I know. I just figured I’d do something, since…” he trailed off, leaving the sentence unfinished. It didn’t make much a difference whether he finished it or not, however, since Alex knew where it was headed. He kept any comments to himself, biting his lip instead and curling his lip into a small smile.
“Well, thanks.” The pregnant teen moved to fetch a spoon, offering a spare to Jack who politely refused. It was a little strange to see him so kind, and Alex had to sit down to take it all in stride. He kneaded at his side with the tips of his fingers, wishing the cramp would go away. “So um, what happened with your dad?” And really, Alex meant to be more subtle about it, bring it up slowly and let it ease its way into the conversation, but his mouth apparently had other means of doing this.
“Oh,” Jack sounded from his throat, looking as though suddenly thrown into the spotlight without anything to hide behind or anything prepared. “Oh,” he repeated, just as soft with just a passing inhale.
Alex spooned a little bit of ice cream into his mouth, waiting patiently for Jack. He had no intentions of just letting this go without saying even one thing.
“It’s, um, nothing, really. We just kinda talked,” explained Jack vaguely, rubbing the short hairs on the back of his neck with a nervous hand.
“Really. What’d you talk about?” Alex felt only marginally guilty for pressing on, most of the guilt easier overrun by curiosity and crankiness. Not that he would admit to being sulky for a good part of the week and three days.
“Just stuff. Nothing important,” he mumbled, glancing away. Alex just took another spoonful of ice cream, waiting. Even the pleading look Jack threw him, eyes wide and lips pulled down couldn’t deter him, and with a sigh, Jack ran a hand through his hair, saying reluctantly, “It’s not that big of a deal. I just got kicked out. He said that if I wanted to make my own damn choices and if I wanted to fuck up my life, then I might as well as do it outside of his house and be an adult.”
The guilt raked up higher in Alex again, fingers clutching onto the cold spoon. He swallowed the lump of saliva and melted ice cream down, asking, “Is he -”
“Don’t worry about it, Alex. I’m staying with Rian for now. I’ll probably start looking for an apartment or something.” Jack waved a hand dismissively, making it out to be insignificant.
“Stay with me,” Alex hurried spoke in a choked breath, disregarding every reason in his brain yelling against his offer. “I mean, like, at our house until you find an apartment. I’m sure my mom won’t mind if it’s you…”
Jack smiled, small. “Thanks, but I’m okay. Really. Rian’s parents are out of town again, so I’m just gonna crash there for a bit. I’ve already been looking up apartments and found an okay one near downtown.”
“Downtown? But that’s so far,” Alex protested, half-heartedly poking his spoon into the softening frozen treat. Maybe it was because it was a dairy product, but it was upsetting his stomach.
Shoulders moving up in a shrug, Jack remarked offhandedly, “It’s not too far. It’s not that bad. Anyways, that’s not what I wanted to talk about. I actually came over ‘cause I wanted to ask you something.”
Letting Jack bypass the moment, and keeping the conversation in his mind to continue for later, Alex raised a brow in question. “Ask what?”
“Well, um. Remember when we were talking about baby names, and you mentioned how Zack was trying to get you to go to prom?” Alex almost swallowed his spoon whole. As soon as the awkward moment had passed, Jack had brought with him another one to replace it. Of course he did. “And you complained how you didn’t really want to go because it’d be lame and how you wouldn’t be able to find a date.”
Before he could stop himself, Alex muttered, pained, “Please don’t tell me this is really actually happening.”
Jack stopped, staring at him with mildly offended eyes. “What? You can’t believe that I’m actually about to ask you out to prom or something? C’mon, Alex. I know I haven’t really been the nicest, and I’ve been a total asshole to you for most of these nine months, but I thought maybe,” Jack stopped, frowning. He opened his mouth but closed it just as quickly upon seeing the wrinkles on Alex’s brow. “Alex?”
“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he breathed, spoon dropping from his fingers as he doubled over, clutching at his lower abdomen. It burned, sharp jolts of pain shocking throughout his entire body. Alex convulsed, voice quivering as he gasped softly, “Jack, baby.”
They were the only words Jack needed to start panicking.
--
The good news was that it wasn’t just false labor pains. The bad news was that it wasn’t just false labor pains, and the pain was constant and lasting for over a minute before starting all over again after a quick break. The worst news was that it meant the baby was coming, and while normally, Alex would probably be thrilled, he was too fucking terrified to have any energy left to be thrilled.
Panic flooded his body, wrapping itself around his limbs and holding him hostage. Alex couldn’t breathe as he sat in the wheelchair, letting Zack wheel him back and forth around the room as they waited. Just the sheer knowledge that within a few moments, maybe even any second, the doctor was going to come in and tell him that they were ready to fucking cut him open was enough to keep the bile rising up, up, up in his throat.
“Don’t worry, it’ll be fine, Lex,” cooed Zack, and Alex could see that he was just as nervous, fingers tapping against the handles with absolutely no rhythm moving them.
Alex didn’t talk. He knew it would be pointless, and he had no desire to hear the waver in his own voice. Jack was sitting in one of the chairs, head held in his hands and eyes squeezed shut. It was reassuring to see that he wasn’t the only one scared shitless, even if he was the only one being sliced open to remove the baby growing inside of him. His stomach lurched, and Alex prayed feverishly that nothing would go wrong. He had already told the doctor that he wanted to be put to sleep. Just flat out knocked out. He didn’t want to be awake; he didn’t want to have to see himself being cut open or feel any of it. He was anxious enough without a play by play and fainting during the middle of the procedure seemed unwise and potentially fatal. No, Alex would just play it safe and let himself be drugged into an unaware sleep.
“Alex?” All four heads turned to the doorway where a doctor already dressed in scrubs stood. “We’re ready for you now.”
His heart slowed and sped up in one beat, blood rushing in his ears as he nodded. He could feel his mom hug him, lips pressing against his forehead as she whispered, “You’ll be fine, sweetie. Don’t worry. I’ll see you right after the procedure, okay?”
He nodded again, swallowing around the rock in his throat, and he clung back to her, frightened by the whole thing. Zack gave him a quick hug as well, trying to make encouraging jokes about just breathing and breaking all the bones in Jack’s hand while in the operating room before letting Jack take his spot behind the wheelchair. He and Jack barely exchanged glances, not saying anything as Jack wheeled him to follow after the doctor.
The whole procedure moved in a blur once he was lying back on the table, surrounded by nurses and doctors and just people he didn’t know. He felt himself hyperventilate, lungs inflating faster and faster. But then Jack appeared by his side, smiled shakily down at him, and grabbed a hold of Alex’s hand. Jack’s hand was warm and moist in his own, squeezing tight, and Alex could barely hear the anesthesiologist’s words over the rush of his own ears ringing. Screwing his eyes shut, he could feel the tip of the needle digging into his skin, slowly losing the feel of his toes as he wiggled them. His brain felt fuzzy. Clouded and gray. And this was it. This was the big moment. The big moment Alex had been waiting for since nine months ago, since when he first lost sight of everything below his waist, and since when he had first seen the sonogram of the baby. Jack squeezed his hand, and Alex closed his eyes.
--
Alex could feel his limbs before he was even awake. The world was a solid black surrounding him, keeping him suspended in what felt like nothing, and he forced open his eyes, wincing when the sharp lights of the overhead fluorescent bulbs cracked through his lids, bright and painful. He groaned, mouth dry.
“Alex?” came a worried voice from his left side. Or maybe his right. Alex wasn’t quite sure, unable to grasp onto the conscious world long enough to decide. Eyelids peeling back slowly in an effort to readjust themselves to the lights, Alex could see his mom hovering beside him, and he tilted his head to face her properly.
“Oh thank God,” she cried, wrapping him up in a tight hug. She was careful not to jostle him, peppering kisses all over his damp forehead with relieved noises rising sporadically from her throat. “You’re fine. You’re okay.”
Once she let him go, Zack come into view, a nervous smile moving his lips and obvious stains of tears on his cheeks. Alex almost wanted to laugh if he could without hurting himself, but he smiled instead, waiting for his best friend to speak first. Zack did, voice cracking just a little on the first few words, “Hey, Lex. You’re okay. You’re okay, bro.”
“How -” Alex swallowed, voice meek from disuse, “How long was I out?”
“Couple of hours. We were really worried.” Zack smiled at him, slow.
And even though it had no right to be preoccupying his mind, Alex asked anyway, “Where’s Jack?”
Zack sidestepped to give Alex view to Jack who was sitting back in the same chair, fingers threading through his already mussed hair nervous. He gave a weak smile, looking as exhausted as Alex felt.
“The baby?” Alex asked, feeling his stomach knot. Except it wasn’t the baby this time, it was just him, his insides twisting, and it was a scary thought.
“At the nursery. I hope you don’t mind, but we all kinda went to go see him while you were still sleeping,” confessed Zack guiltily.
Head wobbling side to side, Alex whispered, “I don’t mind. It’s okay. I would’ve too if it wasn’t mine and I wasn’t out cold.”
“Do you - do you want to see him?”
Alex could barely even form words, managing a garbled answer that meant nothing but probably sounded like, “Yes.” Everything felt heavy. His eyelids drooped as he listened to Zack and his mom talk with a nearby nurse. Even though he tried to fight, tried to stay awake, everything dropped out from under him, and Alex was suspended again in the black.
--
The next time Alex found himself waking up, conscious standing firmer this time around, the lights were mostly turned out, coming in dimly from the crack of the open door. Alex made a soft noise, uncomfortable and alone.
His fingers swept gently across his stomach, and he was a little horrified at how flat it was. How flat it felt compared to just only hours ago. How flat it felt compared to the last nine months. It felt foreign, like a piece of him was missing.
“Hey. Hey, you’re awake,” spoke a soft voice from beside him, and with a little bit of squinting, Alex could barely make out the shadows dragged across the face. It was Jack.
“Hey,” he whispered back, voice scratchy from lack of use. “What time is it?”
Jack shrugged, the movement lost mostly to the darkness blanketing them. “A little after one, I guess. Your mom and Zack went home about an hour ago. I told them I’d stay with you. I hope you don’t mind.”
Head shaking, Alex pulled his lips into a small, tired smile. “No, I don’t. Thanks. For staying and everything.” He vaguely thought that their leaving was probably orchestrated by his mom for some odd reason.
“Mmh, it’s nothing.” A pause, silence drifting between them in curling tendrils. “I got to hold him,” Jack remarked suddenly, carefully to keep the volume low despite the fact that there was no one in the room but them and outside, they could hear the nurses and doctors and patients all bustling about, speaking. “He’s like, crazy tiny.”
His smile stretched, cheeks rising up to make enough room. “Really? I wish I could hold him.”
“You can. I think. I mean. I’ll probably have to get the nurse or something. Since they don’t like anyone going into the nursery. But I can try to bring him over so you can see him,” offered Jack quickly as though the offer was only good for the next five seconds before expiring.
Alex shook his head. “No. It’s okay. I want to see him, but not yet. I’m not ready yet.”
He knew it was a strange thing to say, especially since all Alex had wanted was to see what the baby looked like ever since he had found out that it was growing inside of him. But Alex just wasn’t ready quite yet. His nerves were like jell-o, heart bouncing in his chest at random intervals that didn’t seem normal. It was different when he actually could versus when he was just waiting, wanting to. When he couldn’t see the baby, it was all he could look forward. And now that he could, now that the baby was a mere fifty feet away from him, Alex could feel all those nerves, all those feelings rushing back up his throat in the form of bile. He wanted to be strong when he first saw the baby. And maybe it was weird, maybe it made him seem cruel or like an unusual first time parent, but it was just something Alex needed. It was different from his wishes and daily daydreams; it was real.
But Jack didn’t comment on how strange Alex was. He maybe even looked understanding in the black light, saying a simple, “Okay.” And somehow, Alex knew that Jack understood, probably even went through the same thing himself earlier while Alex had been knocked out cold from exhaustion and anesthetics. It still felt like they were running through his blood, sluggish and thick.
“Sleep with me?” requested Alex, even though he had been asleep for what felt like an entire month and he was getting a cramp from lying in the bed for so long. He felt lonely without the baby attached to him anymore.
And maybe Jack got that too because he just nodded, said a soft, “Okay,” and climbed into the bed next to him, tentatively wrapping his arm around Alex like he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to and being mindful of the scar. And even though the baby bump that had always kept them separated was now gone, Alex didn’t push forward into his arms, and Jack didn’t pull him any closer. Jack just pressed his lips to Alex’s forehead, to both of his closed eyelids before resting his head down on the pillow.
And Alex didn’t cry.
Author: detourtoyou
Rating: NC-17 overall
Pairing: Jack/Alex
POV: 3rd
Summary: Of course the one time he decided to act his age, Alex would end up messing even that up. But in his defense, it was hard to act his age when he was faced with things so entirely beyond his age and maturity level, like a one-night decision that decided to follow him into the rest of his life.
Warning: Mpreg
Disclaimer: This is sadly false and a complete lie created by my mind. Title taken from Toxic Valentine by All Time Low.
Dedication: For an amazing person whom I love dearly with all my heart, Mike damnedifidoyah <3
A/N: If it seems like it's moving too fast and rushed, it probably is and I'm sorry. I'm getting a little burned out to be honest haha. One more to go!
One of the many bad things of being pregnant was the constant need to be ready to go rushing to the hospital once the baby decided to really come out this time and stop screwing around with Alex. Even if it had only once or so. It was still enough. He was actually thinking about grounding it once it finally did come out because false labor? So totally not cool or fun in any way whatsoever.
But Alex supposed he couldn’t blame the little guy for not wanting to come out. For pretty much his entire pregnancy excluding the last month or so, he had heard nothing but fighting. It made Alex feel guilty that he had put him through so much, and all while he was still inside of his stomach, growing. Alex could only pray that it wouldn’t mess him up later on in life.
Lying down on his bed, Alex sighed, eyeing his history book that needed reading and a math worksheet that needed to be finished by Thursday. He closed his eyes, thinking a nap would maybe be a better option. His stomach had been cramping anyways, and if he was going to have to suffer through another false labor, he wanted to at least be able to rest before it happened. About five minutes into his nap, when Alex was just on the cusp of falling into dreamland, his phone buzzed, loud and obnoxious and rousing him out of his sleep with a sharp jolt. Alex growled, reaching for his phone from off the nightstand and checking the text message: ‘hey u at home?’
It had been precisely a week and three days since they last saw each other, with Jack driving off to confront his dad about the now canceled wedding. Still, Alex could not help the frown down turning his lips as he read it. He was a little sulky at being left alone for a week and three very long days without any form of contact, and now that Jack was deciding to finally contact him at the worst time ever, it only soured Alex’s mood instead of alleviating the worry that had cocooned him for that many more days. Muttering not very nice things under his breath, Alex typed back a quick message before flopping back onto his pillow, eyes shut with the intent to sleep. Obviously, Jack had other plans, however, interrupting once more with a reply text: ‘ok, this is prbly lame but i need to talk to u’.
Alex groaned into the fabric of his pillowcase, typing back a response, ‘nows not a good time. sleeping.’
Content that Jack would stop bothering him, Alex tossed his phone back onto the nightstand, hardly caring that he was potentially damaging it from his lack of care when handling it. He needed a new phone anyways. Snuggling into his pillow, Alex breathed, letting his conscious drop.
The doorbell chimed, and Alex almost cried. Instead, however, he wiggled to a standing position, brows furrowed together and mouth set into a scowl. With heavy footsteps, he eased himself down the stairs and to the front door, yanking it open.
“Um. Hey.”
Any mean words Alex may have had brewing in his mind while he had been on his way down disappeared, catching in his throat. Jack awkwardly shifted from one leg to the other, scratching the back of his head.
“I thought you might want some,” he said without explanation, holding up the carton of Cold Stone ice cream. Alex stepped back to let him through, still trying to find his voice. “I wasn’t really sure what you’d like, since you’re pregnant and your taste buds are all whacked.”
“No, it’s, um, it’s fine, thanks,” Alex said meekly, following Jack into the kitchen where he set the carton on the table. Their eyes met, awkward in the meeting, and Jack coughed into his hand. “So, what’s the occasion?” asked Alex quickly, diverting his own attention back to the frosted carton. He wondered if he should get spoons.
“I dunno. I just got off work and though you’d maybe like some ice cream. Especially after you told me about how your mom is like, stuffing you full of vegetables and other healthy stuff.”
“Yeah. Yeah,” he agreed, touched that Jack had remembered his offhanded complaint. “Thanks. You didn’t have to, you know.”
Cheeks flushing, Jack shrugged, pretending like it wasn’t a big deal when it was. To both of them. “I know. I just figured I’d do something, since…” he trailed off, leaving the sentence unfinished. It didn’t make much a difference whether he finished it or not, however, since Alex knew where it was headed. He kept any comments to himself, biting his lip instead and curling his lip into a small smile.
“Well, thanks.” The pregnant teen moved to fetch a spoon, offering a spare to Jack who politely refused. It was a little strange to see him so kind, and Alex had to sit down to take it all in stride. He kneaded at his side with the tips of his fingers, wishing the cramp would go away. “So um, what happened with your dad?” And really, Alex meant to be more subtle about it, bring it up slowly and let it ease its way into the conversation, but his mouth apparently had other means of doing this.
“Oh,” Jack sounded from his throat, looking as though suddenly thrown into the spotlight without anything to hide behind or anything prepared. “Oh,” he repeated, just as soft with just a passing inhale.
Alex spooned a little bit of ice cream into his mouth, waiting patiently for Jack. He had no intentions of just letting this go without saying even one thing.
“It’s, um, nothing, really. We just kinda talked,” explained Jack vaguely, rubbing the short hairs on the back of his neck with a nervous hand.
“Really. What’d you talk about?” Alex felt only marginally guilty for pressing on, most of the guilt easier overrun by curiosity and crankiness. Not that he would admit to being sulky for a good part of the week and three days.
“Just stuff. Nothing important,” he mumbled, glancing away. Alex just took another spoonful of ice cream, waiting. Even the pleading look Jack threw him, eyes wide and lips pulled down couldn’t deter him, and with a sigh, Jack ran a hand through his hair, saying reluctantly, “It’s not that big of a deal. I just got kicked out. He said that if I wanted to make my own damn choices and if I wanted to fuck up my life, then I might as well as do it outside of his house and be an adult.”
The guilt raked up higher in Alex again, fingers clutching onto the cold spoon. He swallowed the lump of saliva and melted ice cream down, asking, “Is he -”
“Don’t worry about it, Alex. I’m staying with Rian for now. I’ll probably start looking for an apartment or something.” Jack waved a hand dismissively, making it out to be insignificant.
“Stay with me,” Alex hurried spoke in a choked breath, disregarding every reason in his brain yelling against his offer. “I mean, like, at our house until you find an apartment. I’m sure my mom won’t mind if it’s you…”
Jack smiled, small. “Thanks, but I’m okay. Really. Rian’s parents are out of town again, so I’m just gonna crash there for a bit. I’ve already been looking up apartments and found an okay one near downtown.”
“Downtown? But that’s so far,” Alex protested, half-heartedly poking his spoon into the softening frozen treat. Maybe it was because it was a dairy product, but it was upsetting his stomach.
Shoulders moving up in a shrug, Jack remarked offhandedly, “It’s not too far. It’s not that bad. Anyways, that’s not what I wanted to talk about. I actually came over ‘cause I wanted to ask you something.”
Letting Jack bypass the moment, and keeping the conversation in his mind to continue for later, Alex raised a brow in question. “Ask what?”
“Well, um. Remember when we were talking about baby names, and you mentioned how Zack was trying to get you to go to prom?” Alex almost swallowed his spoon whole. As soon as the awkward moment had passed, Jack had brought with him another one to replace it. Of course he did. “And you complained how you didn’t really want to go because it’d be lame and how you wouldn’t be able to find a date.”
Before he could stop himself, Alex muttered, pained, “Please don’t tell me this is really actually happening.”
Jack stopped, staring at him with mildly offended eyes. “What? You can’t believe that I’m actually about to ask you out to prom or something? C’mon, Alex. I know I haven’t really been the nicest, and I’ve been a total asshole to you for most of these nine months, but I thought maybe,” Jack stopped, frowning. He opened his mouth but closed it just as quickly upon seeing the wrinkles on Alex’s brow. “Alex?”
“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he breathed, spoon dropping from his fingers as he doubled over, clutching at his lower abdomen. It burned, sharp jolts of pain shocking throughout his entire body. Alex convulsed, voice quivering as he gasped softly, “Jack, baby.”
They were the only words Jack needed to start panicking.
--
The good news was that it wasn’t just false labor pains. The bad news was that it wasn’t just false labor pains, and the pain was constant and lasting for over a minute before starting all over again after a quick break. The worst news was that it meant the baby was coming, and while normally, Alex would probably be thrilled, he was too fucking terrified to have any energy left to be thrilled.
Panic flooded his body, wrapping itself around his limbs and holding him hostage. Alex couldn’t breathe as he sat in the wheelchair, letting Zack wheel him back and forth around the room as they waited. Just the sheer knowledge that within a few moments, maybe even any second, the doctor was going to come in and tell him that they were ready to fucking cut him open was enough to keep the bile rising up, up, up in his throat.
“Don’t worry, it’ll be fine, Lex,” cooed Zack, and Alex could see that he was just as nervous, fingers tapping against the handles with absolutely no rhythm moving them.
Alex didn’t talk. He knew it would be pointless, and he had no desire to hear the waver in his own voice. Jack was sitting in one of the chairs, head held in his hands and eyes squeezed shut. It was reassuring to see that he wasn’t the only one scared shitless, even if he was the only one being sliced open to remove the baby growing inside of him. His stomach lurched, and Alex prayed feverishly that nothing would go wrong. He had already told the doctor that he wanted to be put to sleep. Just flat out knocked out. He didn’t want to be awake; he didn’t want to have to see himself being cut open or feel any of it. He was anxious enough without a play by play and fainting during the middle of the procedure seemed unwise and potentially fatal. No, Alex would just play it safe and let himself be drugged into an unaware sleep.
“Alex?” All four heads turned to the doorway where a doctor already dressed in scrubs stood. “We’re ready for you now.”
His heart slowed and sped up in one beat, blood rushing in his ears as he nodded. He could feel his mom hug him, lips pressing against his forehead as she whispered, “You’ll be fine, sweetie. Don’t worry. I’ll see you right after the procedure, okay?”
He nodded again, swallowing around the rock in his throat, and he clung back to her, frightened by the whole thing. Zack gave him a quick hug as well, trying to make encouraging jokes about just breathing and breaking all the bones in Jack’s hand while in the operating room before letting Jack take his spot behind the wheelchair. He and Jack barely exchanged glances, not saying anything as Jack wheeled him to follow after the doctor.
The whole procedure moved in a blur once he was lying back on the table, surrounded by nurses and doctors and just people he didn’t know. He felt himself hyperventilate, lungs inflating faster and faster. But then Jack appeared by his side, smiled shakily down at him, and grabbed a hold of Alex’s hand. Jack’s hand was warm and moist in his own, squeezing tight, and Alex could barely hear the anesthesiologist’s words over the rush of his own ears ringing. Screwing his eyes shut, he could feel the tip of the needle digging into his skin, slowly losing the feel of his toes as he wiggled them. His brain felt fuzzy. Clouded and gray. And this was it. This was the big moment. The big moment Alex had been waiting for since nine months ago, since when he first lost sight of everything below his waist, and since when he had first seen the sonogram of the baby. Jack squeezed his hand, and Alex closed his eyes.
--
Alex could feel his limbs before he was even awake. The world was a solid black surrounding him, keeping him suspended in what felt like nothing, and he forced open his eyes, wincing when the sharp lights of the overhead fluorescent bulbs cracked through his lids, bright and painful. He groaned, mouth dry.
“Alex?” came a worried voice from his left side. Or maybe his right. Alex wasn’t quite sure, unable to grasp onto the conscious world long enough to decide. Eyelids peeling back slowly in an effort to readjust themselves to the lights, Alex could see his mom hovering beside him, and he tilted his head to face her properly.
“Oh thank God,” she cried, wrapping him up in a tight hug. She was careful not to jostle him, peppering kisses all over his damp forehead with relieved noises rising sporadically from her throat. “You’re fine. You’re okay.”
Once she let him go, Zack come into view, a nervous smile moving his lips and obvious stains of tears on his cheeks. Alex almost wanted to laugh if he could without hurting himself, but he smiled instead, waiting for his best friend to speak first. Zack did, voice cracking just a little on the first few words, “Hey, Lex. You’re okay. You’re okay, bro.”
“How -” Alex swallowed, voice meek from disuse, “How long was I out?”
“Couple of hours. We were really worried.” Zack smiled at him, slow.
And even though it had no right to be preoccupying his mind, Alex asked anyway, “Where’s Jack?”
Zack sidestepped to give Alex view to Jack who was sitting back in the same chair, fingers threading through his already mussed hair nervous. He gave a weak smile, looking as exhausted as Alex felt.
“The baby?” Alex asked, feeling his stomach knot. Except it wasn’t the baby this time, it was just him, his insides twisting, and it was a scary thought.
“At the nursery. I hope you don’t mind, but we all kinda went to go see him while you were still sleeping,” confessed Zack guiltily.
Head wobbling side to side, Alex whispered, “I don’t mind. It’s okay. I would’ve too if it wasn’t mine and I wasn’t out cold.”
“Do you - do you want to see him?”
Alex could barely even form words, managing a garbled answer that meant nothing but probably sounded like, “Yes.” Everything felt heavy. His eyelids drooped as he listened to Zack and his mom talk with a nearby nurse. Even though he tried to fight, tried to stay awake, everything dropped out from under him, and Alex was suspended again in the black.
--
The next time Alex found himself waking up, conscious standing firmer this time around, the lights were mostly turned out, coming in dimly from the crack of the open door. Alex made a soft noise, uncomfortable and alone.
His fingers swept gently across his stomach, and he was a little horrified at how flat it was. How flat it felt compared to just only hours ago. How flat it felt compared to the last nine months. It felt foreign, like a piece of him was missing.
“Hey. Hey, you’re awake,” spoke a soft voice from beside him, and with a little bit of squinting, Alex could barely make out the shadows dragged across the face. It was Jack.
“Hey,” he whispered back, voice scratchy from lack of use. “What time is it?”
Jack shrugged, the movement lost mostly to the darkness blanketing them. “A little after one, I guess. Your mom and Zack went home about an hour ago. I told them I’d stay with you. I hope you don’t mind.”
Head shaking, Alex pulled his lips into a small, tired smile. “No, I don’t. Thanks. For staying and everything.” He vaguely thought that their leaving was probably orchestrated by his mom for some odd reason.
“Mmh, it’s nothing.” A pause, silence drifting between them in curling tendrils. “I got to hold him,” Jack remarked suddenly, carefully to keep the volume low despite the fact that there was no one in the room but them and outside, they could hear the nurses and doctors and patients all bustling about, speaking. “He’s like, crazy tiny.”
His smile stretched, cheeks rising up to make enough room. “Really? I wish I could hold him.”
“You can. I think. I mean. I’ll probably have to get the nurse or something. Since they don’t like anyone going into the nursery. But I can try to bring him over so you can see him,” offered Jack quickly as though the offer was only good for the next five seconds before expiring.
Alex shook his head. “No. It’s okay. I want to see him, but not yet. I’m not ready yet.”
He knew it was a strange thing to say, especially since all Alex had wanted was to see what the baby looked like ever since he had found out that it was growing inside of him. But Alex just wasn’t ready quite yet. His nerves were like jell-o, heart bouncing in his chest at random intervals that didn’t seem normal. It was different when he actually could versus when he was just waiting, wanting to. When he couldn’t see the baby, it was all he could look forward. And now that he could, now that the baby was a mere fifty feet away from him, Alex could feel all those nerves, all those feelings rushing back up his throat in the form of bile. He wanted to be strong when he first saw the baby. And maybe it was weird, maybe it made him seem cruel or like an unusual first time parent, but it was just something Alex needed. It was different from his wishes and daily daydreams; it was real.
But Jack didn’t comment on how strange Alex was. He maybe even looked understanding in the black light, saying a simple, “Okay.” And somehow, Alex knew that Jack understood, probably even went through the same thing himself earlier while Alex had been knocked out cold from exhaustion and anesthetics. It still felt like they were running through his blood, sluggish and thick.
“Sleep with me?” requested Alex, even though he had been asleep for what felt like an entire month and he was getting a cramp from lying in the bed for so long. He felt lonely without the baby attached to him anymore.
And maybe Jack got that too because he just nodded, said a soft, “Okay,” and climbed into the bed next to him, tentatively wrapping his arm around Alex like he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to and being mindful of the scar. And even though the baby bump that had always kept them separated was now gone, Alex didn’t push forward into his arms, and Jack didn’t pull him any closer. Jack just pressed his lips to Alex’s forehead, to both of his closed eyelids before resting his head down on the pillow.
And Alex didn’t cry.