PLEASE DO NOT READ

[alas_beatrice]

If you are reading this message, it is because the pizza boy successfully delivered a large anchovy and mushroom to the house of my typist, "Jack of None". This anchovy and mushroom pizza had baked inside of it the contents of this post and express instructions that it be posted here on the community known to some as DesperateFans. I sincerely hope

Comments

[stardustenigma]

Typist: ... you rock. So much. That intro post is fantastic.

[alas_beatrice]

Typist: Thank you! *dies* Oh, this is probably time to point out that you are the only person on LJ to list "Rupert of Hentzau" as an interest, thus making you possibly the coolest person ever.

[stardustenigma]

Typist: *jaw so drops* You mean someone other than me actually knows who he is? Have you read the book? Can I totally brag that I have an illustrated first edition printing of it? Who are you and can I have your babies?

[dame_grise]

I know who he is! But it never occurred to me to list him as an interest. My ex was nuts about Prisoner of Zenda stuff. I think he even made me read them a long time ago.

[starletfallen]

*ZOMGSQUEEGLOMP!*

*is not really here. So there.*

[/typist intrusion]

[booksandbites]

*small silence of complete bewilderment*

...You know us, Mr. Snicket?

Typist: You win beyond ALL belief. So much. You have killed me with your awesomeness. *dead so badly*

[alas_beatrice]

I do. How I wish I did not. How I wish I had never heard your name. If I hadn't, perhaps I would not be typing this message to you on the backs of old Cafe Salmonella reciepts in a remote location with very sturdy doors. Perhaps you and your two sisters would have been spared all of this misery and suffering and terrible food.

It is my sworn duty to record your story in detail, exactly as it happens. It breaks my heart that I cannot tell you any more than I already have, but I will offer any help I can. It also breaks my heart to tell you that this will not be much, seeing as I am currently sitting behind locked doors under thirty feet of dirt and cannot come out.

I would ask you not to tell anyone we had this conversation. Confidentiality is of the utmost importance, a phrase which I am certain you understand.

Typist: Eeee, thank you!

[old_kasperl]

A fellow writer, I see. Welcome, sir. *offers a hand to shake*

[alas_beatrice]

I am a writer by trade and a biographer of orphans by dreadful necessity.

You will forgive me if I do not shake your hand. After the incident with the poison dart frogs in Cairo I have stopped shaking hands with people who cannot provide two forms of photographic ID. Please do not be offended.

[old_kasperl]

And I, sir, am a writer by trade and an adopter of orphans by friendship. *grins*

That's quite alright, I'll tip my hat, then, and bid you a fine day. The name's Keller, incidentally.

[splendid_shoes]

Typist: Yes, you DO win, completely. XD