PLEASE DO NOT READ
If you are reading this message, it is because the pizza boy successfully delivered a large anchovy and mushroom to the house of my typist, "Jack of None". This anchovy and mushroom pizza had baked inside of it the contents of this post and express instructions that it be posted here on the community known to some as DesperateFans. I sincerely hope the pizza boy is still alive.
I am writing this dreadful post from a triple-locked room at an undisclosed location. The title of this journal is not my name; the picture which appears next to it is not my picture; the location I did not disclose is not my real location. I am on the run from many very dangerous, very unpleasant people. If you read no further into this post, your life will be very different from mine. Perhaps your life will be filled with laughter and joy. Perhaps you will look out your window this morning and see a beautiful sunrise, instead of a mob armed with torches and farming implements, a word which here means "tools that should be used for growing food, but are unfortunately also very sharp". Perhaps you will even give the woman of your dreams an expensive ring and you will live the rest of your long lives together.
My name is Lemony Snicket, except when it is not. I have been beset by the most horrible tragedy imaginable, and I am bound to experience more and more misery than anyone ever thought possible as I record the story of the Baudelaire orphans and the misfortunes they experienced at the hands of Count Olaf, a villain so villainous that I do not wish to even describe him here. This is a very difficult task, as I am on the run and in hiding at the same time because of my own tragic circumstances, but I cannot shirk my duty, a phrase which means "stop writing about the Baudelaire orphans just because the love of my life is gone and my rowboat is slowly sinking into a pirhana-infested river".
Wouldn't you like to comment on a more pleasant post?
Typist: Yeah, um. Lemony Snicket from A Series of Unfortunate Events. I'd been sitting on him until we got more Snicket puppets, but...well, we've got some now. I hope this is allowed. Technically Snicket IS the author, I guess, but he's also obviously a character in the story.
I am writing this dreadful post from a triple-locked room at an undisclosed location. The title of this journal is not my name; the picture which appears next to it is not my picture; the location I did not disclose is not my real location. I am on the run from many very dangerous, very unpleasant people. If you read no further into this post, your life will be very different from mine. Perhaps your life will be filled with laughter and joy. Perhaps you will look out your window this morning and see a beautiful sunrise, instead of a mob armed with torches and farming implements, a word which here means "tools that should be used for growing food, but are unfortunately also very sharp". Perhaps you will even give the woman of your dreams an expensive ring and you will live the rest of your long lives together.
My name is Lemony Snicket, except when it is not. I have been beset by the most horrible tragedy imaginable, and I am bound to experience more and more misery than anyone ever thought possible as I record the story of the Baudelaire orphans and the misfortunes they experienced at the hands of Count Olaf, a villain so villainous that I do not wish to even describe him here. This is a very difficult task, as I am on the run and in hiding at the same time because of my own tragic circumstances, but I cannot shirk my duty, a phrase which means "stop writing about the Baudelaire orphans just because the love of my life is gone and my rowboat is slowly sinking into a pirhana-infested river".
Wouldn't you like to comment on a more pleasant post?
Typist: Yeah, um. Lemony Snicket from A Series of Unfortunate Events. I'd been sitting on him until we got more Snicket puppets, but...well, we've got some now. I hope this is allowed. Technically Snicket IS the author, I guess, but he's also obviously a character in the story.