Problematic Drinks of Badness
Another fic!
This one was written for still_grrr for the prompt of the Pink song "So What (I'm Still A Rock Star)".
I'm honestly not sure whether this counts as gen or femslash...
Problematic Drinks of Badness
* * * * *
Alcohol: a toxic and, frankly, appalling substance,
used by the lower echelons of society in an attempt
to escape from painful experiences.
This vile liquid gives rise to a great deal of
disgraceful conduct in our nation’s youth, and
should be avoided at all costs.
* * * * *
“Ooh! Look, Buffy! Another party - can we-”
“No, Will. No more parties. We’re going home.”
“Aww. Boring spoil-sporty person…”
“That’s right. I’m- hey! Where did you get the vodka from?”
* * * * *
For today’s discussion, we shall be looking at the
effects alcohol can have on one’s behaviour, balance,
and mental acuity, by examining an interaction
between two women in their late teens.
* * * * *
Despite Willow’s protests, Buffy managed to steer her through two more dorm parties and into their room. What were best friends for, after all?
* * * * *
Effect number one: choral misjudgement. Ingesting
alcohol can cause one to believe that one’s singing
talent is on a par with professional vocalists - while
simultaneously decreasing the said talent. This is not
at all pleasant for those nearby.
* * * * *
“…it’s killing me, I must confess, I still BELIEVE, When I’m not with you I um… LOSE… um… give me… um… HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME!”
The off-key sounds of Willow’s passionate singing were suddenly muffled as she toppled face-first onto her bed and hit the pillow.
Buffy sighed, and rolled her over.
“That’s a fun song, isn’t it, Buff.”
“Yeah, Will. Really fun. Think you can manage to get changed by yourself?”
“It’s a really fun song.”
“Yes it is. Really fun.”
* * * * *
Effect number two: extreme repetition. Notice how
subject A continues to express the same thoughts, with
almost no realisation that she has said them already.
* * * * *
“It’s great! Because it’s all about love, and loneliness, and getting back people you love, and hitting… which I s’pose is bad… hitting’s bad, right Buff?”
Buffy rolled her eyes and scooted to the end of the bed, where she started unlacing Willow’s sneakers.
“That’s right, Willow. Hitting is bad.”
Willow nodded seriously. “Very bad.”
She hummed tunelessly to herself as Buffy removed the first sneaker and threw it in the direction of Willow’s closet.
* * * * *
Alcohol consumption can also cause general
ineptitude at simple tasks. Notice how subject B is
having to help with a number of things that are not,
in fact, her responsibility.
* * * * *
The second sneaker came off, and was about to join its companion by the closet when Buffy was distracted by a loud sniff. She turned. Willow had tears in her eyes, and was looking horribly depressed.
“I miss Oz.”
“I know, honey.”
“He was all fun, and sexy, and he had really nice hands, and a smile, and exciting hair, and he was mine, and so lovely, and… oh Buffy! It’s such a lonely song!”
“What…?” Buffy frowned - and then realised. “Oh, Willow. It’s Britney Spears in a cheerleader outfit! It’s an insanely stupid song.” She sighed, and said resignedly, “…and you are so completely drunk, so I’m going to pretend I actually care about Britney being lonely.”
* * * * *
Here we see effect number four: inconsistent
prioritisation. Subject A actually seems to be
convinced that popular music has deep meaning
and great importance. This kind of warped viewpoint
is common after excessive alcoholic intake.
* * * * *
Another loud sniff.
Buffy patted Willow’s hair gently, put on the straightest face she could manage, and said, “It does sound like she’s lonely, doesn’t it? Which I guess you could probably relate to.”
* * * * *
Another effect: excessive clumsiness. Watch closely.
* * * * *
“Uh-huh. Both of us. Lonely. Poor us…”
She sat up suddenly, looking determined. “But we can still sing! Both of us! Cause music comes first! Stuff the boys - we’ve got rhythm!” She gestured emphatically, and fell off the bed.
“Good for you, Will.” Buffy folded back Willow’s quilt, and knelt next to her. “Now, we need to get you out of that sweater, and then it’s time for bed. Okay?”
* * * * *
And finally, number six: clearly idiotic decisions.
Ideas which would make no sense at all by the light of
day can, under alcohol’s haze, seem all too brilliant.
* * * * *
“Bed?” Willow shook her head firmly. “No bed. Bed is silly and boring, and I don’t like it. Bad bed.” She wrinkled her nose. “And bad boys. Dumb silly people who leave you. Like silly Oz, with his silly dumb running off to somewhere. And Xander with his basement…”
“Uh-huh.” Buffy hauled her to her feet. “Well, whatever, but you’re still going to bed - so I can get some sleep instead of being kept awake by my singing best friend all night, okay?”
She looked Willow sternly in the eye, and Willow nodded glumly.
“Okay. Bed. Just for you, my bestest best friendy person… Hey!” She suddenly looked excited. “You’re pretty! We should go out!”
“Huhwah?” Buffy blinked, and then tried again. “Where did that idea come from?”
“Oh, we should!” Willow lunged forward in an over-excited hug and Buffy grabbed her - very glad that she was strong enough to stop Willow pulling them both to the floor again. “Cause you’re pretty, and fun, and oh Buffy, it’ll be great!”
She was still figuring out how to reply when Willow leaned in and gave her a drunk and sloppy kiss, right on the lips, and then grinned eagerly.
This was getting surreal.
* * * * *
As you can see, alcohol often leads to extremely strange
and illogical behaviour, and should be avoided at all costs.
* * * * *
“Uh… thanks, Will. But I don’t think it’s really a good idea. Um… sorry.”
Willow frowned, confused, as Buffy sat her back on the bed and began helping her out of her sweater.
“Is it ‘cause of Riley? He’s a boy. A silly, dumb, bad, silly…” - her voice continued, muffled, through the sweater going over her head, before picking up again right where she’d left off - “dumb, boy-like person of badness. Stuff the boys, Buff. Go out with me!”
* * * * *
It causes incoherence, ineptitude, and a complete
loss of inhibition.
* * * * *
“Hee. Stuff Buff. Stuff-the-Buff-the-stuff. That sounds funny…”
Buffy tucked her in, and muttered, “I am going to have so much fun teasing you about this tomorrow.”
She reached out to turn off Willow’s lamp, but Willow grabbed her hand.
“Buffy, you still haven’t said yes. You have to say yes, or it’s not official.” She looked at Buffy pleadingly. “Be my girlfriend?”
* * * * *
It even leads to non-drinkers in close proximity
“playing along”, and encouraging the affected parties
in their ridiculous behaviour.
* * * * *
Buffy sighed - again. Then she sat on the side of the bed, and smiled.
“Of course, Will. We’ll go out. Now, it’s time for us to go to bed. Can’t have my lovely girlfriend not getting any sleep, right?” She leaned forward and kissed Willow lightly on the forehead. “Night, Will.”
“Hmm… Sleep is good…”
“Yes it is.”
“For real? Officially and everything?”
“Yep. Officially and everything.” Buffy shook her head exasperatedly, and started getting changed herself, muttering, “…until you’re a bit more sober, anyway.”
* * * * *
I highly recommend that you avoid succumbing to
the effects of alcohol at all costs. It is a despicable
substance, and no good can come of it.
* * * * *
“Night, Buff.”
“Night, Willow.”
This one was written for still_grrr for the prompt of the Pink song "So What (I'm Still A Rock Star)".
I'm honestly not sure whether this counts as gen or femslash...
Problematic Drinks of Badness
* * * * *
Alcohol: a toxic and, frankly, appalling substance,
used by the lower echelons of society in an attempt
to escape from painful experiences.
This vile liquid gives rise to a great deal of
disgraceful conduct in our nation’s youth, and
should be avoided at all costs.
* * * * *
“Ooh! Look, Buffy! Another party - can we-”
“No, Will. No more parties. We’re going home.”
“Aww. Boring spoil-sporty person…”
“That’s right. I’m- hey! Where did you get the vodka from?”
* * * * *
For today’s discussion, we shall be looking at the
effects alcohol can have on one’s behaviour, balance,
and mental acuity, by examining an interaction
between two women in their late teens.
* * * * *
Despite Willow’s protests, Buffy managed to steer her through two more dorm parties and into their room. What were best friends for, after all?
* * * * *
Effect number one: choral misjudgement. Ingesting
alcohol can cause one to believe that one’s singing
talent is on a par with professional vocalists - while
simultaneously decreasing the said talent. This is not
at all pleasant for those nearby.
* * * * *
“…it’s killing me, I must confess, I still BELIEVE, When I’m not with you I um… LOSE… um… give me… um… HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME!”
The off-key sounds of Willow’s passionate singing were suddenly muffled as she toppled face-first onto her bed and hit the pillow.
Buffy sighed, and rolled her over.
“That’s a fun song, isn’t it, Buff.”
“Yeah, Will. Really fun. Think you can manage to get changed by yourself?”
“It’s a really fun song.”
“Yes it is. Really fun.”
* * * * *
Effect number two: extreme repetition. Notice how
subject A continues to express the same thoughts, with
almost no realisation that she has said them already.
* * * * *
“It’s great! Because it’s all about love, and loneliness, and getting back people you love, and hitting… which I s’pose is bad… hitting’s bad, right Buff?”
Buffy rolled her eyes and scooted to the end of the bed, where she started unlacing Willow’s sneakers.
“That’s right, Willow. Hitting is bad.”
Willow nodded seriously. “Very bad.”
She hummed tunelessly to herself as Buffy removed the first sneaker and threw it in the direction of Willow’s closet.
* * * * *
Alcohol consumption can also cause general
ineptitude at simple tasks. Notice how subject B is
having to help with a number of things that are not,
in fact, her responsibility.
* * * * *
The second sneaker came off, and was about to join its companion by the closet when Buffy was distracted by a loud sniff. She turned. Willow had tears in her eyes, and was looking horribly depressed.
“I miss Oz.”
“I know, honey.”
“He was all fun, and sexy, and he had really nice hands, and a smile, and exciting hair, and he was mine, and so lovely, and… oh Buffy! It’s such a lonely song!”
“What…?” Buffy frowned - and then realised. “Oh, Willow. It’s Britney Spears in a cheerleader outfit! It’s an insanely stupid song.” She sighed, and said resignedly, “…and you are so completely drunk, so I’m going to pretend I actually care about Britney being lonely.”
* * * * *
Here we see effect number four: inconsistent
prioritisation. Subject A actually seems to be
convinced that popular music has deep meaning
and great importance. This kind of warped viewpoint
is common after excessive alcoholic intake.
* * * * *
Another loud sniff.
Buffy patted Willow’s hair gently, put on the straightest face she could manage, and said, “It does sound like she’s lonely, doesn’t it? Which I guess you could probably relate to.”
* * * * *
Another effect: excessive clumsiness. Watch closely.
* * * * *
“Uh-huh. Both of us. Lonely. Poor us…”
She sat up suddenly, looking determined. “But we can still sing! Both of us! Cause music comes first! Stuff the boys - we’ve got rhythm!” She gestured emphatically, and fell off the bed.
“Good for you, Will.” Buffy folded back Willow’s quilt, and knelt next to her. “Now, we need to get you out of that sweater, and then it’s time for bed. Okay?”
* * * * *
And finally, number six: clearly idiotic decisions.
Ideas which would make no sense at all by the light of
day can, under alcohol’s haze, seem all too brilliant.
* * * * *
“Bed?” Willow shook her head firmly. “No bed. Bed is silly and boring, and I don’t like it. Bad bed.” She wrinkled her nose. “And bad boys. Dumb silly people who leave you. Like silly Oz, with his silly dumb running off to somewhere. And Xander with his basement…”
“Uh-huh.” Buffy hauled her to her feet. “Well, whatever, but you’re still going to bed - so I can get some sleep instead of being kept awake by my singing best friend all night, okay?”
She looked Willow sternly in the eye, and Willow nodded glumly.
“Okay. Bed. Just for you, my bestest best friendy person… Hey!” She suddenly looked excited. “You’re pretty! We should go out!”
“Huhwah?” Buffy blinked, and then tried again. “Where did that idea come from?”
“Oh, we should!” Willow lunged forward in an over-excited hug and Buffy grabbed her - very glad that she was strong enough to stop Willow pulling them both to the floor again. “Cause you’re pretty, and fun, and oh Buffy, it’ll be great!”
She was still figuring out how to reply when Willow leaned in and gave her a drunk and sloppy kiss, right on the lips, and then grinned eagerly.
This was getting surreal.
* * * * *
As you can see, alcohol often leads to extremely strange
and illogical behaviour, and should be avoided at all costs.
* * * * *
“Uh… thanks, Will. But I don’t think it’s really a good idea. Um… sorry.”
Willow frowned, confused, as Buffy sat her back on the bed and began helping her out of her sweater.
“Is it ‘cause of Riley? He’s a boy. A silly, dumb, bad, silly…” - her voice continued, muffled, through the sweater going over her head, before picking up again right where she’d left off - “dumb, boy-like person of badness. Stuff the boys, Buff. Go out with me!”
* * * * *
It causes incoherence, ineptitude, and a complete
loss of inhibition.
* * * * *
“Hee. Stuff Buff. Stuff-the-Buff-the-stuff. That sounds funny…”
Buffy tucked her in, and muttered, “I am going to have so much fun teasing you about this tomorrow.”
She reached out to turn off Willow’s lamp, but Willow grabbed her hand.
“Buffy, you still haven’t said yes. You have to say yes, or it’s not official.” She looked at Buffy pleadingly. “Be my girlfriend?”
* * * * *
It even leads to non-drinkers in close proximity
“playing along”, and encouraging the affected parties
in their ridiculous behaviour.
* * * * *
Buffy sighed - again. Then she sat on the side of the bed, and smiled.
“Of course, Will. We’ll go out. Now, it’s time for us to go to bed. Can’t have my lovely girlfriend not getting any sleep, right?” She leaned forward and kissed Willow lightly on the forehead. “Night, Will.”
“Hmm… Sleep is good…”
“Yes it is.”
“For real? Officially and everything?”
“Yep. Officially and everything.” Buffy shook her head exasperatedly, and started getting changed herself, muttering, “…until you’re a bit more sober, anyway.”
* * * * *
I highly recommend that you avoid succumbing to
the effects of alcohol at all costs. It is a despicable
substance, and no good can come of it.
* * * * *
“Night, Buff.”
“Night, Willow.”