Coming to terms

[defade]

For the past few days, there has been a tremendous weight in my chest, something heavy lodged in my throat. I've been restless, anxious and have gone through all different kinds of nerve-wracking emotions. This is one of the last days in Hong Kong for me, and even though my rational self knows that three months will pass by in an instant, the

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[seikochan]

Over the past months you've become someone so incredibly precious to me. If someone had told me that a simple correspondence with someone over the Internet, initially bonding over fandom of all things, I might not have believed them. But it's really true, you've become this wonderful important fixture in my life, and I admit to feeling anxious as well, but I know it's nowhere near what you must be feeling right now

[defade]

You are such a wonderful and lovely person yourself that I believe it to be completely natural for me to grow so attached. You have no idea how much it means to me that you're willing to do this even when I'm just a pathetic, sobbing mess. I think I'm too used to putting up a cheerful front that when these things remind me of who I really am, it hurts a lot more to crash and burn. At the same time, your words and support really do mean that much more and I'm truly thankful for that.

I honestly can't foresee a happy ending for the bigger problem that reared its ugly head, right when I've almost resolved this anxiety - something that seems hilariously insignificant in hindsight. I love you lots and don't want to worry you like this, but I won't say sorry. I'll only accept everything you're willing to give me and say thank you.

[cabilizt]

Let me say that I never came to love you in regards to your talent or whether you are weak or strong. You care about people, you are being considerate to them, you are always putting effort in anything you do, and so I paid more heed to your person than the rest.

Fear it and then face it. The strong must know how to fear, or that is all I ever remind myself. Many will take a step back and some may keep going forth. "For Moira shall never smile upon those who do not fight", give everything a try and your best also. You yourself already chose to spread your wings and fly, so keep it going. No one can warrant there will be only good outcome awaiting, but effort will always be rewarded in one way or another

[defade]

Thank you so much for being honest. I'm still an emotional wreck at the moment so I'm afraid that whatever semblance of eloquence I have fails me right now, and I cannot properly convey my gratitude to you. This issue really is something I have to settle within myself, and I guess that's partially why I'm averse to unloading everything onto others. But your words really did help me get started on working towards a resolution, and I thank you for that.

The bigger issue still remains beyond my reach and control, sadly, and it came at such an inopportune moment that I honestly wished it was all a dream, but I suppose it really couldn't be helped. Maybe someday I'll learn to depend more on others, and maybe someday I won't have to feel like this anymore, but for now I guess I could only say I'm grateful that you're willing to deal with my drama.

[murkkee]

First of all, I must admit that I've been going back and forth to this entry, trying to figure out something to write, even with my lousy and awkward grasp of words, but I feel like I shouldn't just completely ignore this since, well, it's you and I'd forever regret if I don't say anything

[defade]

I'm sorry that you have to deal with me when you're going through your own problems, and that I'm honestly so spent at the moment that I can't give you the care and affection you deserve. I wish I could've done more for you during this time, but alas.

This timezone issue is certainly part of why I'm feeling this way, I guess, along with just an instinctual aversion to huge changes, whether good or bad. I love you so much for taking the time to even write this, and no matter how silly you think you're being, you'll always be lovely in my eyes.