Coming to terms

[defade]

For the past few days, there has been a tremendous weight in my chest, something heavy lodged in my throat. I've been restless, anxious and have gone through all different kinds of nerve-wracking emotions. This is one of the last days in Hong Kong for me, and even though my rational self knows that three months will pass by in an instant, the

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[seikochan]

Over the past months you've become someone so incredibly precious to me. If someone had told me that a simple correspondence with someone over the Internet, initially bonding over fandom of all things, I might not have believed them. But it's really true, you've become this wonderful important fixture in my life, and I admit to feeling anxious as well, but I know it's nowhere near what you must be feeling right now.

I think I can empathize with your feelings, having been thrown around quite a bit myself. I think one of man's greatest fears is the fear of the unknown, which is why some resist change so stubbornly. It really is a scary thing to stand before the well: you know what is probably down there, but there's always that degree of uncertainty that you can never escape. I would never ever want to push you down a well, of course, but there's always a chance (and thankfully here it's a large chance) that you'll find something incredibly wonderful.

Ah, and I'm rambling. I wish I could pluck out all the right words and rearrange them into something perfectly eloquent in order to convey all my feelings towards you. I'm worried and hopeful and sad and anxious for you, and yet at the same time I'm so so proud of you. I could wax poetic about all the things I admire in you, every little thing about you that awes me every day. All the reasons that I love you for, and even then it would never be enough.

I know you're going to be wonderful. I wish so much that I could do more for you than to barrage you with messages and abuse online thesauri in hopes of finding the right words to say everything I want to say to you. It hurts that you're hurting, and if there was some way that I could take your pain for you, I would.

My offer will always stand. My arms will always be open for you if you should need them. I'll try to always be here if ever you should need me, and I love you so so much. It's a weak phrase nowadays, incapable of conveying the proper intensity of emotion without abusing superlatives, so I'll try saying this here, too. Mahal na mahal kita.

I look forward to seeing you again.

[defade]

You are such a wonderful and lovely person yourself that I believe it to be completely natural for me to grow so attached. You have no idea how much it means to me that you're willing to do this even when I'm just a pathetic, sobbing mess. I think I'm too used to putting up a cheerful front that when these things remind me of who I really am, it hurts a lot more to crash and burn. At the same time, your words and support really do mean that much more and I'm truly thankful for that.

I honestly can't foresee a happy ending for the bigger problem that reared its ugly head, right when I've almost resolved this anxiety - something that seems hilariously insignificant in hindsight. I love you lots and don't want to worry you like this, but I won't say sorry. I'll only accept everything you're willing to give me and say thank you.