Seeker 2x11 ‘Torn’ Cracky Recap
OH 2x11 PORN TORN. You have been a naughty episode. You must be punished. *sharpens keyboard*
I have been positively pregnant with anticipation to see this ep after the last two weeks of fandom foreplay. That's right. I've been ★WITH CHILD★ :PPP
ZEDD: So if the compass stays true we're totally going to pass this Lonely Planet tourist trap waterfall. Look, I bought the guide book!
KAHLAN: Omg I know that place it's sooooooo romantic there.
KAHLAN: HINT HINT RICHARD.
ZEDD: Many a child was conceived beneath those cascading waters. Why I remember one time when I was a lad-
CARA: -OKAY STOP. I am installing a roadblock on memory lane. Do not pass go, do not collect $100. Ew.
KAHLAN: I was there once. It was beautiful.
RICHARD: ORLY? WITH WHOM?
KAHLAN: YOUR MUM.
KAHLAN: The waterfalls are très pretty. At sunset when the light hits the falls the water glistens red. They say its the reflection of all the lovers hearts who've kissed there.
CARA: No I'm pretty sure that's blood.
CARA: Like half an army base-jumped into the waterfall there rather than surrender. But Kahlan's right, that place is totally hot.
KAHLAN: Lulz, Cara ILU.
Mistress Cara gives the torturers an F for technique.
CARA: Amateurs.
Nice transition. I bet hollywoodgrrl had a field day when she saw that!
Also, please let the comments run wild with theories about what Aydindril's seal symbolises. It almost looks like an upside-down crucifix. Maybe the hexagon is the city and the top is The Keep? Or do those blocks symbolise seats of power? Come on peeps, lend me your brains.
LOL hello Guy of Gisborne! Looking fine in black leather bb.
PORTKEY. ROFL.
Kahlan's keeping an eye on Cara. Y'know, not because she's attracted to her or anything, just because she's vigilant. Good job, Kahlan.
Anyone else's depth perception get completely messed up when Silas portkeyed so close to the camera?
You know it's srs bsns time when the weapons are unsheathed!
It'll also be hot when Richard unsheathes his other sword later in the ep.
RICHARD: I can't stand Kahlan's puppy eyes, we have to go to Aydindril.
*EPIC EYEROLLLLLL*
And it's also kinda funny because her backpack straps look like suspenders. Cara would totes rock the androgynous lady-suit.
THIS HAIR IS TOTALLY BOSS.
I would do unspeakable things to touch it. (Not really.)
(Okay maybe a little.)
Kahlan wishes she didn't have to leave her two lovaaahs. She's doing sad eyes again :(
Oops, Kahlan's still here with Richard and Cara and Zeddicus Cockblockicus is… nowhere to be seen? EXCELLENT.
Also, AC/DC boots! At least Bridget gets sensible heels. I hear Tab fell over the other day, which must be pretty crazy on your ankles.
ZEDD: How do you feel?
KAHLAN: All in one piece :)
OH THE DRAMATIC IRONY.
THE HMS HAIR/HOOD IS BACK IN HARBOUR AND I SHIP IT.
Confessor Cleavage.
Guys! Remember that one time I desperately wished we'd get to see Kahlan march into a corrupt city and take f*cking charge? Well: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PRINCE FYREN: Hey good looking', tell me what I can do for you.
YOU CAN GET OUT OF MY CHAIR.
PSA: Never play musical chairs with Kahlan, if you sit in her seat SHE WILL CLAIM YOUR SOUL.
And then this wicked-sexy strand of hair catwalks across Kahlan's face and everyone is like *applause!*
And then Cara is hot in the background.
Kahlan fails to perform under pressure. Harhar.
RICHARD: What happened, are you broken?
KAHLAN: I don't think so! Not yet! Isn't that later in that scene?
KAHLAN: Richard, read my hand acting, “YOU NEED TO TRIM YOUR HAIR”.
RICHARD: I think it looks dashing!
KAHLAN: *facepalm*
CARA: I totally got us some free horses. Amateurs.
BACK IN AYDINDRIL...
HBIC!Kahlan has been busy taking control of important things, like handsome princes and her hair.
MEANWHILE...
Kahlan is definitely not counting sheep. Although knowing Craigy's predisposition for sheep, he probably is. (Sheepie from here!)
RICHARD: What's wrong?
KAHLAN: Oh nothing everything's fine in fact everything's amazing really great though I do have an itch in my pants could you help me with that?
RICHARD: We're going for a walk.
CARA: Amateurs.
KAHLAN: ♬ (If You're Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To
OH MY GOD CRAIG AND BRIDGET'S CHEMISTRY IS OFF THE SCALE.
MOON: AHA! I do see you gettin' horizontal down thar!
Kahlan's been weighing the pros and cons of taking Fybren as her mate while luxuriating in her spectacularly sexy bedchamber.
PROS
✓ Already wants to get into my corset.
✓ Hot in a dark, mysterious sort of way.
✓ Rich parents. Score.
✓ Looks like he has stamina. (He'll need it.)CONS
✗ Possibly uses more product in his hair than I do.
✗ Obvious attachment to sword. Compensating for something?
✗ Probably wont please me in ways I can't imagine.
PRINCE FYREN: I will please you in ways not yet written in all the Seeker fanfic ever penned.
HBIC!KAHLAN: LOL AS IF.
Uh-uh, not the hair! Just get undressed and arrange yourself prettily on my very large bed.
LOL GUYS I LOVE THIS KAHLAN. BE AGGRESSIVE, B-E AGGRESSIVE.
I THINK I JUST LOST MY INNOCENCE TO THE LOOK ON HER FACE.
LOL THE ARABIAN NIGHTS MUSIC IS REALLY HOT. (And if you watch right before the shot transitions you'll get to see Bridget's infamous wandering hands go touring south. Go girl!)
SEEKER INC. IS PROUD TO PROVIDE A VALENTINE'S DAY FANSERVICE:
Do you prefer OPTION (A) DOM!KAHLAN ON TOP:
OPTION (B) SUB!KAHLAN ON BOTTOM:
OR IF NONE OF YOUR FANTASIES CAN BE FOUND HERE, THEN MAYBE YOU WOULD PREFER
OPTION (C) CARA/KAHLAN:
Greatest manip of all time by artithena
No really, enquiring minds want to know:
Poll
Oh and don't forget the literal afterglow. And KAHLAN SMILING ♥ ♥ ♥
CARA: Baby, you have some sex in your hair.
KAHLAN: ONYD.
KAHLAN: BACK OFF, CARA.
EVERYONE: o.0
CARA: … Oh you mean him? Oh no he's not my type (hint hint). And anyway, he's so… small.
RICHARD: Hey!
CARA: I was just de-leafing him after your de-flowering.
KAHLAN: OMG YOU HOR YOU LOVE HIM!!1!1oneoneeleventyone!~
*repetitive strain injury from all the eyerolling*
RICHARD: Something's not right... you didn't just lose your powers…
FANS: *cough*VIRGINITY*cough*
Back in Kahlan's Magical Kingdom...
The Mother Confessor lounges expansively, gets to know her coiffeur, spends some quality time with her chair and issues a few edicts:
KAHLAN: Hotness in the Midlands requires only one face: mine.
AMEN.
And she wields her angry finger at Zedd, lulz.
HBIC!KAHLAN: OFF WITH HIS HEAD!
CARA: Oh I like her.
♥!KAHLAN: Holy crap wait till I post this on Facebook for Dopplegänger Week, my friends are going to flip!
TWO KAHLANS? DID I SPEND A WEEK PUTTING UP WITH HYSTERICAL GIRLFRIEND KAHLAN ONLY TO WALK INTO A SEEKER KINK FIC?? Threesome anyone?
GO ON. THEY WOULD BE KIND OF GREAT TOGETHER.
OHAI SCHIZOPHRENIA.
OMG LOLLING FOREVER. Kahlan is checking herself out!!!
She's like ‘I'd totally hit that from all 360 degrees.’
Cara's not thinking about battle strategy at this point. She's thinking about BEDROOM STRATEGY:
2 Kahlans + 2 Agiels = ERROR| *brain calculator dies*
♥!Kahlan is ADORABLE when she's frightened and not talking. Cara is still working out 2 + 2 = 3some in the background.
♥!KAHLAN: You can totes sleep with Cara too if you want!
HBIC!KAHLAN: L'awkward!
OFFSCREEN...
CARA: Hey, no argument here.
♥!KAHLAN: Yeah- well- I don't want you back either!
I AM CRYING, KAHLAN JUST BROKE UP WITH HERSELF HAHAHAHAAAAAA.
And then Cara decides to try her hand at diplomacy through violence: ‘Anybody else want to negotiate?’
Richard and Prince Fyren start duelling for the 2 Kahlans and ♥!Kahlan is starting to reach the higher octaves in her hysteria, so HBIC!Kahlan does the only sensible thing:
SHE CONFESSES HERSELF
WHEN DID THE WRITERS START WRITING THE CRACK FOR US? I might as well go on a holiday.
So now Kahlan is a bi-polar schizophrenic who's in love with herself? I CAN'T EVEN.
And then Cara is like ‘NO ONE MESSES WITH KAHLAN'S FEELINGS EXCEPT ME’ and has HBIC!Kahlan on her knees inside of 5 seconds.
I SWEAR THIS IS VERBATIM WHAT HAPPENS I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING.
LOL. FOR. EV. ARRR.
THIS IS THE MOST SUGGESTIVE THING I HAVE EVER SEEN.
COMPREHENDING THE INNUENDO: PRICELESS.
…I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO LOOK AT ANYTHING WITHOUT LAUGHING EVER AGAIN. ROFLMAO.
When Cara wins, everybody wins :DDD
Eyebrow competition.
PS I MAY BE ~★ WITH CHILD ★~. ← Best WITH CHILD thread of all time
Time for your Womens Health Checkup, Kahlans.
Wow I wish all doctors appointments were that non-invasive.
ZEDD: You're both as barren as the Valley of Perdition. No baby bumps or maternity corsets for you.
KAHLAN: THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE, I WAS ON TOP FOR HOURS.
(HBIC!Kahlan has Cara's undivided attention now.)
I don't care if you had sex while standing on your head, YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT.
And then Richard endorses K / K: ‘Just do it.’
Also, OH CARA YOU POSER ♥
Don't laugh so soon Kahlan, sex amnesia exists! :P
KAHLAN: …Want a tour of my bedchamber before we leave? ;D
THE END!
PS. One for the road:
GUYS. NEXT WEEK IS ALL ABOUT CARA. BETTER STRAP ON YOUR CHASTITY BELTS.
Browse the Legend of the Seeker
Cracky Recaps archive HERE
I have been positively pregnant with anticipation to see this ep after the last two weeks of fandom foreplay. That's right. I've been ★WITH CHILD★ :PPP
ZEDD: So if the compass stays true we're totally going to pass this Lonely Planet tourist trap waterfall. Look, I bought the guide book!
KAHLAN: Omg I know that place it's sooooooo romantic there.
KAHLAN: HINT HINT RICHARD.
ZEDD: Many a child was conceived beneath those cascading waters. Why I remember one time when I was a lad-
CARA: -OKAY STOP. I am installing a roadblock on memory lane. Do not pass go, do not collect $100. Ew.
KAHLAN: I was there once. It was beautiful.
RICHARD: ORLY? WITH WHOM?
KAHLAN: YOUR MUM.
KAHLAN: The waterfalls are très pretty. At sunset when the light hits the falls the water glistens red. They say its the reflection of all the lovers hearts who've kissed there.
CARA: No I'm pretty sure that's blood.
CARA: Like half an army base-jumped into the waterfall there rather than surrender. But Kahlan's right, that place is totally hot.
KAHLAN: Lulz, Cara ILU.
Mistress Cara gives the torturers an F for technique.
CARA: Amateurs.
Nice transition. I bet hollywoodgrrl had a field day when she saw that!
Also, please let the comments run wild with theories about what Aydindril's seal symbolises. It almost looks like an upside-down crucifix. Maybe the hexagon is the city and the top is The Keep? Or do those blocks symbolise seats of power? Come on peeps, lend me your brains.
LOL hello Guy of Gisborne! Looking fine in black leather bb.
PORTKEY. ROFL.
Kahlan's keeping an eye on Cara. Y'know, not because she's attracted to her or anything, just because she's vigilant. Good job, Kahlan.
Anyone else's depth perception get completely messed up when Silas portkeyed so close to the camera?
You know it's srs bsns time when the weapons are unsheathed!
It'll also be hot when Richard unsheathes his other sword later in the ep.
RICHARD: I can't stand Kahlan's puppy eyes, we have to go to Aydindril.
*EPIC EYEROLLLLLL*
And it's also kinda funny because her backpack straps look like suspenders. Cara would totes rock the androgynous lady-suit.
THIS HAIR IS TOTALLY BOSS.
I would do unspeakable things to touch it. (Not really.)
(Okay maybe a little.)
Kahlan wishes she didn't have to leave her two lovaaahs. She's doing sad eyes again :(
Oops, Kahlan's still here with Richard and Cara and Zeddicus Cockblockicus is… nowhere to be seen? EXCELLENT.
Also, AC/DC boots! At least Bridget gets sensible heels. I hear Tab fell over the other day, which must be pretty crazy on your ankles.
ZEDD: How do you feel?
KAHLAN: All in one piece :)
OH THE DRAMATIC IRONY.
THE HMS HAIR/HOOD IS BACK IN HARBOUR AND I SHIP IT.
Confessor Cleavage.
Guys! Remember that one time I desperately wished we'd get to see Kahlan march into a corrupt city and take f*cking charge? Well: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PRINCE FYREN: Hey good looking', tell me what I can do for you.
YOU CAN GET OUT OF MY CHAIR.
PSA: Never play musical chairs with Kahlan, if you sit in her seat SHE WILL CLAIM YOUR SOUL.
And then this wicked-sexy strand of hair catwalks across Kahlan's face and everyone is like *applause!*
And then Cara is hot in the background.
Kahlan fails to perform under pressure. Harhar.
RICHARD: What happened, are you broken?
KAHLAN: I don't think so! Not yet! Isn't that later in that scene?
KAHLAN: Richard, read my hand acting, “YOU NEED TO TRIM YOUR HAIR”.
RICHARD: I think it looks dashing!
KAHLAN: *facepalm*
CARA: I totally got us some free horses. Amateurs.
BACK IN AYDINDRIL...
HBIC!Kahlan has been busy taking control of important things, like handsome princes and her hair.
MEANWHILE...
Kahlan is definitely not counting sheep. Although knowing Craigy's predisposition for sheep, he probably is. (Sheepie from here!)
RICHARD: What's wrong?
KAHLAN: Oh nothing everything's fine in fact everything's amazing really great though I do have an itch in my pants could you help me with that?
RICHARD: We're going for a walk.
CARA: Amateurs.
KAHLAN: ♬ (If You're Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To
OH MY GOD CRAIG AND BRIDGET'S CHEMISTRY IS OFF THE SCALE.
MOON: AHA! I do see you gettin' horizontal down thar!
Kahlan's been weighing the pros and cons of taking Fybren as her mate while luxuriating in her spectacularly sexy bedchamber.
PROS
✓ Already wants to get into my corset.
✓ Hot in a dark, mysterious sort of way.
✓ Rich parents. Score.
✓ Looks like he has stamina. (He'll need it.)CONS
✗ Possibly uses more product in his hair than I do.
✗ Obvious attachment to sword. Compensating for something?
✗ Probably wont please me in ways I can't imagine.
PRINCE FYREN: I will please you in ways not yet written in all the Seeker fanfic ever penned.
HBIC!KAHLAN: LOL AS IF.
Uh-uh, not the hair! Just get undressed and arrange yourself prettily on my very large bed.
LOL GUYS I LOVE THIS KAHLAN. BE AGGRESSIVE, B-E AGGRESSIVE.
I THINK I JUST LOST MY INNOCENCE TO THE LOOK ON HER FACE.
LOL THE ARABIAN NIGHTS MUSIC IS REALLY HOT. (And if you watch right before the shot transitions you'll get to see Bridget's infamous wandering hands go touring south. Go girl!)
SEEKER INC. IS PROUD TO PROVIDE A VALENTINE'S DAY FANSERVICE:
Do you prefer OPTION (A) DOM!KAHLAN ON TOP:
OPTION (B) SUB!KAHLAN ON BOTTOM:
OR IF NONE OF YOUR FANTASIES CAN BE FOUND HERE, THEN MAYBE YOU WOULD PREFER
OPTION (C) CARA/KAHLAN:
Greatest manip of all time by artithena
No really, enquiring minds want to know:
Poll
Oh and don't forget the literal afterglow. And KAHLAN SMILING ♥ ♥ ♥
CARA: Baby, you have some sex in your hair.
KAHLAN: ONYD.
KAHLAN: BACK OFF, CARA.
EVERYONE: o.0
CARA: … Oh you mean him? Oh no he's not my type (hint hint). And anyway, he's so… small.
RICHARD: Hey!
CARA: I was just de-leafing him after your de-flowering.
KAHLAN: OMG YOU HOR YOU LOVE HIM!!1!1oneoneeleventyone!~
*repetitive strain injury from all the eyerolling*
RICHARD: Something's not right... you didn't just lose your powers…
FANS: *cough*VIRGINITY*cough*
Back in Kahlan's Magical Kingdom...
The Mother Confessor lounges expansively, gets to know her coiffeur, spends some quality time with her chair and issues a few edicts:
KAHLAN: Hotness in the Midlands requires only one face: mine.
AMEN.
And she wields her angry finger at Zedd, lulz.
HBIC!KAHLAN: OFF WITH HIS HEAD!
CARA: Oh I like her.
♥!KAHLAN: Holy crap wait till I post this on Facebook for Dopplegänger Week, my friends are going to flip!
TWO KAHLANS? DID I SPEND A WEEK PUTTING UP WITH HYSTERICAL GIRLFRIEND KAHLAN ONLY TO WALK INTO A SEEKER KINK FIC?? Threesome anyone?
GO ON. THEY WOULD BE KIND OF GREAT TOGETHER.
OHAI SCHIZOPHRENIA.
OMG LOLLING FOREVER. Kahlan is checking herself out!!!
She's like ‘I'd totally hit that from all 360 degrees.’
Cara's not thinking about battle strategy at this point. She's thinking about BEDROOM STRATEGY:
2 Kahlans + 2 Agiels = ERROR| *brain calculator dies*
♥!Kahlan is ADORABLE when she's frightened and not talking. Cara is still working out 2 + 2 = 3some in the background.
♥!KAHLAN: You can totes sleep with Cara too if you want!
HBIC!KAHLAN: L'awkward!
OFFSCREEN...
CARA: Hey, no argument here.
♥!KAHLAN: Yeah- well- I don't want you back either!
I AM CRYING, KAHLAN JUST BROKE UP WITH HERSELF HAHAHAHAAAAAA.
And then Cara decides to try her hand at diplomacy through violence: ‘Anybody else want to negotiate?’
Richard and Prince Fyren start duelling for the 2 Kahlans and ♥!Kahlan is starting to reach the higher octaves in her hysteria, so HBIC!Kahlan does the only sensible thing:
SHE CONFESSES HERSELF
WHEN DID THE WRITERS START WRITING THE CRACK FOR US? I might as well go on a holiday.
So now Kahlan is a bi-polar schizophrenic who's in love with herself? I CAN'T EVEN.
And then Cara is like ‘NO ONE MESSES WITH KAHLAN'S FEELINGS EXCEPT ME’ and has HBIC!Kahlan on her knees inside of 5 seconds.
I SWEAR THIS IS VERBATIM WHAT HAPPENS I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING.
LOL. FOR. EV. ARRR.
THIS IS THE MOST SUGGESTIVE THING I HAVE EVER SEEN.
COMPREHENDING THE INNUENDO: PRICELESS.
…I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO LOOK AT ANYTHING WITHOUT LAUGHING EVER AGAIN. ROFLMAO.
When Cara wins, everybody wins :DDD
Eyebrow competition.
PS I MAY BE ~★ WITH CHILD ★~. ← Best WITH CHILD thread of all time
Time for your Womens Health Checkup, Kahlans.
Wow I wish all doctors appointments were that non-invasive.
ZEDD: You're both as barren as the Valley of Perdition. No baby bumps or maternity corsets for you.
KAHLAN: THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE, I WAS ON TOP FOR HOURS.
(HBIC!Kahlan has Cara's undivided attention now.)
I don't care if you had sex while standing on your head, YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT.
And then Richard endorses K / K: ‘Just do it.’
Also, OH CARA YOU POSER ♥
Don't laugh so soon Kahlan, sex amnesia exists! :P
KAHLAN: …Want a tour of my bedchamber before we leave? ;D
THE END!
PS. One for the road:
GUYS. NEXT WEEK IS ALL ABOUT CARA. BETTER STRAP ON YOUR CHASTITY BELTS.
Browse the Legend of the Seeker
Cracky Recaps archive HERE