[Fic:] The Return of Sirius Black, PG
My (somewhat late) introductory post. This is an older fic, my favorite of the Sherlock!Sirius series.
Title: The Return of Sirius Black
Rating/Warnings: PG, humour, R/S, Molly bashing, Bring Back Black, Remus/Tonks breakup
Summary: In which Sherlock!Sirius returns from beyond the veil to solve another mystery and Remus Lupin drinks more tea.
Word Count: about 2,800
Notes: Written with love for aillil. :) Many thanks to pre_raphaelite1 for her beta!
Credits for borrowed ideas (practically all of them) and quotes are to be found at the end.
An epilogue of sorts (it should stand on its own though) to the previous chapters found here: Case the first, Case the second, and Case the third.
The Return of Sirius Black
In which Sherlock!Sirius solves another mystery
And Remus Lupin drinks more tea
The moon, nearing its full, shone brightly until a low, thick fog obscured it in a slow yet powerful movement of atmospheric inspiration. The silence of the moors was broken only by the occasional nervous rustling of local animals seeking shelter.
A chill breeze blew for a moment and allowed a silver gleam of moonlight to shine down from the clouds, illuminating an enormous, shaggy, black figure that sat sniffing the air and whining pitifully. Then the breeze moved on to more exciting and inhabited places, and the dog lifted up his head and howled his loneliness to the moon.
A Muggle named Sir Henry Baskerville, who'd been passing by on the way to claim his father's cursed estate, saw the canine silhouette and paled, terrified.
This is not his story.
*
Remus J. Lupin was about to receive the greatest shock and surprise of his adventurous life.
He didn't look like a man to whom anything unusual could happen at all. His hair was almost entirely grey although his face showed only the very beginning lines of worry and care. His clothes were old, but well cared for and neatly mended.
His young and pretty wife was out for the day, so Remus had decided to settle in with a nice cup of tea to work on a speech he'd agreed to give to a conference of academics. He had been invited to speak on a subject about which he'd recently published a well-received paper. This was a very prestigious event and could aid in re-establishing himself as a scholar, even in circles where his werewolf status was widely known. It was important that everything went smoothly.
There was a knock at the door. Remus cursed under his breath. The whole point of living on a lonely moor, miles away from the nearest neighbor, was that said neighbor wouldn't be able to interrupt one's tea.
For a moment, Remus thought to ignore the visitor, but there was always the chance that it was another surprise inspection from the Ministry, although he hadn't had one since the Ministry's infamous Case #14568. He wondered if the young Miss Felsted had ever recovered.
Good times.
He answered the door to find an old, stooped grey man standing on the other side. The top of his head barely came to Remus' chest, and his eyes were hidden beneath the brim of a battered old hat.
"You will pardon the interruption, I am sure. I just purchased the old bookstore down in the village, and would like to make your acquaintance. I've brought a few samples with me, and I'd like to get an idea of your preferences to aid in ordering."
Book delivery? Out in the middle of nowhere? Remus knew a good thing when he saw it. "Come on in, then, and have a seat. May I get you a cup of tea?"
"No, thank you." The old man walked inside and Remus could see a number of books tucked under one curiously strong-looking arm.
"May I?" Remus gestured to the books and asked, salivating.
"Why certainly," said the old man, handing them over one by one. "Here's British Birds for Bent Blokes, Catullus' Catamite, and The Holy War: Boys Gone Wild!
"Now then," said Remus with his trademark mildness, "What exactly are you on about? Whatever my past, I assure you I have no interest in upsetting my wife."
"Is that her?" the old man asked, gesturing to the wall on which a painted Tonks' bubblegum pink hair was, oddly, rapidly turning mousy brown.
Remus looked at the picture for a moment, frowning. "Yes."
When he turned again, Sirius Black was sitting across from him.
And for the first time ever, in an almost entirely un-book-related incident, Remus Lupin fainted.
*
"Are you awake?" Sirius was asking, sounding breathless and panicked, when Remus regained consciousness. "Say something! Remus, are you awake?"
Remus opened one eye and found he was lying on his sofa, his collar loosened with Sirius sitting next to him. "That depends. Are we…Black?"
"Yes, we are."
"Then we're awake. But very puzzled."
"My fault, Moony. I have given you a serious shock by my unnecessarily dramatic reappearance."
"If it hadn't been unnecessarily dramatic, Padfoot, I wouldn't have believed it was really you."
"You wound me."
"It would be my pleasure. Hand me my wand?"
"Would you like some tea, instead?" Sirius asked.
"I think I'd rather hex you," Remus said fretfully. "You're supposed to be dead, you know."
"I know," Sirius agreed, not sounding the least bit apologetic.
"What about Harry?"
"We can't tell him. They used me against him, Remus!" Sirius' voice was anguished.
Remus sat up and, without thinking, began to open his arms to comfort Sirius. He swallowed miserably when he realized that it was probably highly inappropriate to hug your recently-returned-from-the-dead boyfriend after you'd gone and gotten married instead of pining another twelve years for him.
He allowed his arms to drop back into his lap. "Padfoot, we've an awful mess."
"So I gather. What on earth possessed you to marry my cousin?"
"She's a wonderful girl. Hasn't been imprisoned or died once! Why shouldn't I marry her?" Just because Remus had asked himself the same thing, many times, did not give Sirius the right to ask as well.
"Remus, I'm so very sorry." Sirius' voice was low and utterly sincere.
"I know you are." Remus sighed. "What happened? How did you come back to life?"
"I was never dead. I'm still not sure why everyone was so convinced that I was."
"Dumbledore said-"
Sirius interrupted. "Oh, I see. Dumbledore said. You do mean the Dumbledore who said I'd sworn myself to Voldemort, thereby indirectly killing James and Lily and blowing up a street full of Muggles?"
"Er."
"The Dumbledore who insisted Harry would be 'just fine' with those Muggles?"
"Well-" Remus started, but Sirius wasn't having it.
"The Dumbledore who trusted Severus Snape?"
"How did you know about that?"
"I could see everything that was going on, the whole time." Sirius smirked.
"Oh," said Remus. He swallowed. "Everything?"
Sirius' smirk grew wider. "Enough. Enough to know that Dumbledore was a bit of a fool, among other things."
"Have you no respect for the dead?" Remus still could not bear to hear Dumbledore, the man who had been responsible for everything about his life that made it different from the poor lost souls of Greyback's pack, insulted.
"Apparently, I am the dead." Sirius said dryly. He arched an eyebrow and leered. "Care for a spot of necrophilia, mate?"
"Oh, what the hell, why not," Remus answered.
It was just like old times.
*
Several hours later, when the lengthening shadows announced not only the evening, but also Remus' bride's imminent return, Remus lifted his head.
"Lovely as that was, we still have a little problem," Remus said.
"A problem to some, perhaps, but not to one who has developed his naturally keen powers of observation and deduction." Sirius' impression of Sherlock Holmes came seemingly from out of nowhere, but was still letter-perfect.
Remus burst out laughing, and if it sounded a little as though he was crying as well, Sirius had the common decency not to remark upon it.
They rose and dressed. Sirius was in better shape than Remus would've dared to hope. He was neither young nor beautiful, of course, but the new lines and wear he'd sustained during horrible year he'd spent trapped in his parents' house were gone.
Sirius reached for Remus' wand, raising an eyebrow seeking Remus’ consent. Remus nodded, and with a particularly stylized Swish, Twist, Flick! there appeared a once-familiar hat and magnifying glass.
Just then, the front door opened, and Tonks walked in and saw Sirius.
"Oh, bugger," she said.
"Wotcher, Tonks!" Sirius grinned.
Tonks’ hair began wildly and rapidly shifting through the entire rainbow of colours. Remus couldn't help but sympathize with what she must be going through. Sirius' death had hit Tonks extremely hard. Glad as she must be to find him still alive, however, she had to know what that meant to their marriage.
Remus couldn't help but be impressed by the way her hair finally settled to pink and she smiled warmly. She crossed the room swiftly and hugged Sirius tightly for many long moments before pulling back to look at him.
"You have been lying to Remus," Sirius said sternly, before Tonks could speak. "But it is not your fault," he added, more gently.
"Come with me," he continued, "I will reveal everything."
"Not in front of your cousin, Padfoot," Remus admonished.
*
Together, on Sirius' suggestion, they Apparated to the Weasley house. Remus was at first surprised when Fleur answered the door, before he expositionally remembered that she recently married to Bill and had reluctantly agreed to stay at her mother-in-law's home while her own house was being remodeled. Apparently Bill felt Fleur would need a bigger kitchen to feed their eventual brood.
Moving briskly and even a touch flamboyantly, Sirius led Fleur, Remus and Tonks to the generous kitchen at the Burrow.
Molly bustled in quickly, followed by Arthur. "Fleur, dear, was someone at the door?" Her eyes landed on Remus first. "Remus! What a pleasant surprise! What brings you here?" Molly fussed, waving her wand and setting a very large teakettle on.
Sirius stood up, attracting her attention and giving her a very cheeky grin. "Hullo, Mollywobbles."
"YOU! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY KITCHEN?" Molly shouted, her face turning an unpleasant shade of red.
"I've come back from beyond the grave to hunt down and punish those who would match fuchsia curtains with avocado tiling," Sirius answered, gesturing around the room. "But I see I am already too late."
"Molly, sit down. Sirius, don't antagonize her." Remus smiled. Exactly like old times.
"Why don't you tell us what all this is about?" Bill asked sensibly, as everyone except Sirius took a chair.
"An excellent idea." Sirius smiled. "Many events have taken place during my recent absence that might seem puzzling and even out of character when viewed as separate incidents. However, it is my intent to show you all that a single, twisted mind is behind all of them."
He began pacing the length of the kitchen, the robe he had borrowed from Remus billowing behind him much more impressively than Remus had ever managed. "Let's start with Remus' marriage."
"Sirius, I know how you feel about him, but you were dead and I-" Tonks began, but stopped when Sirius waved an irritated hand in her direction.
"Please, do not interrupt. I must tell this story my way, put all of the pieces together in a way so that all will be understood. After, you will be free to ask any questions you wish."
Reluctantly, Tonks nodded.
Sirius pretended to think deeply, with great exaggeration. "Now, where was I? Oh, yes. The very little, minor, practically insignificant, fact of Remus' marriage. To my cousin. My female cousin."
"You mean, she's a girl?" Remus gasped in mock horror. "Your mental processes are as nimble as ever. Truly awe-inspiring."
"You say that," Sirius said slyly, "but I know exactly how many times you've-"
"Can we just get to the point?" Tonks interrupted quickly, blushing.
"Remus, I am pleased to inform you that your marriage is not legal," Sirius announced triumphantly.
"Of course it is!" Molly said scornfully. "You're in denial."
"I think you mean Remus is in denial, Mum," Bill offered helpfully.
Remus seethed. "I'm not denying anything!"
"Ha!" said Molly. "Another denial!"
Sirius shook his head. "Remus' state of denial has nothing to do with it. The Ministry of Magic laws governing the definition of marriage clearly, if unfairly to the polyamorous, state that no witch or wizard may have more than one legal spouse."
"Remus was already married?" Arthur asked.
Sirius ignored Arthur, instead helping himself to Remus' wand, which he pointed at Bill's head.
"Sirius!" Remus said as though to scold, but without any real force. He hadn't had this much fun since Sirius had put baby oil in Snape's shampoo at Grimmauld Place.
"Stop! What are you doing to my 'usband?" Fleur demanded, taking her wand out and pointing it at Sirius.
"I won't hurt him," Sirius said, his grey eyes twinkling.
"It will be fine, dear," Bill reassured his wife, "he's all bark and no bite." Fleur nodded reluctantly and lowered her wand.
"I beg to differ," Remus muttered under his breath.
"Finite Incantatem!" Sirius waved Remus' wand. With a quiet 'Poof!' a spell dissipated, and a puff of smoke formed a halo around Bill's head.
Bill shook his head, slightly dazed. He looked over at Tonks and smiled. He then looked to Fleur, sitting next to him and blinked, confused. "Hullo, Fleur. Good to see you. Why am I sitting next to you instead of my wife?" He gestured to Tonks.
"Your wife?" Molly shrieked.
"His wife? But you told me he was practically your brother!" Remus burst out, peeved despite himself.
"He is…practically," Tonks said, her eyes big and her lower lip growing ever so slightly.
"I love my family," Sirius said fondly. "Forever oblivious to that fine line that separates sibling from spouse."
"SHUT UP, SIRIUS!" Remus and Tonks shouted together.
"Fine. Bill is my first husband. So what?"
"Your first? How many husbands have you had?" Remus growled.
"Mine or other women's?" Tonks answered sarcastically. "And it's not like you should care, you-"
"Calm down, everyone," Arthur cut in. Everyone ignored him. He shrugged and pulled a spark plug from the pocket of his robes and began toying with it.
"My marriage to Bill was a mistake. I only kept it secret because I didn't want to hurt you!" Tonks insisted, looking to Remus, her expression desperate.
"A mistake?" Bill said, looking lost.
Sirius turned to Arthur. "Do you have any standard antidotes for Imperius-class potions on hand?"
Arthur blinked. "Of course! It's a requirement now, for those in management at the Ministry to keep such things around at all times."
"Our Arthur's quite gone up in the world," Molly said proudly, but her voice soon grew cold. "Still, I won't have you forcing potion down people's throats in my home. Arthur, call the Ministry!"
Sirius threw Remus a warning glance.
Remus nodded his understanding and surreptitiously slipped Molly's wand from her apron pocket.
Accio potion! Sirius incanted, and a small bottle of red liquid zoomed to his hand.
"ARTHUR!!!" Molly screamed, her fingers scrabbling for her wand but not finding it. "CALL THE AURORS AT ONCE!"
Arthur never looked up from his spark plug. "Just a minute, dear."
"Have I ever told you that you remind me of my mother?" Sirius asked Molly. He handed the potion over to Tonks. "Here, cousin. Drink this."
Tonks shrugged. "Cheers!" she said, and she drank.
When the vial was emptied, she looked at it, looked from Remus to Bill and back to Remus again. "Bloody hell," she breathed.
"Precisely!" agreed Sirius, in full form now. "You were under the influence of Amortentia for more than a year. Someone noticed your growing attachment to Bill and decided to put a stop to it."
Everyone in the room turned to look at Fleur.
She sniffed. "I 'ave no need to use potions to make a man fall in love wiz me."
Molly hissed, "Little hussy. This is all your fault, you're a wrong 'un, I knew it all along!"
"Just who are you calling an 'ussy?" Fleur demanded, her face becoming bird-like with rage.
"What's her problem?" Tonks asked. "Imagine, losing control of herself like that in front of everyone."
There was dead silence in the room for a moment as everyone turned to look at Tonks.
Sirius was the first to break the silence. Ignoring Tonks, he smiled at Fleur and said, "No, you don't need potions to attract a man. Tell me, was Molly happy at the prospect of having you as a daughter-in-law?"
Fleur shook her head. "She was 'orrible to me when I came to zees 'ouse! Until Bill 'ad 'ees accident."
"You ungrateful little liar!" Molly rolled her eyes. "Honestly!"
"No, Molly. She's quite right. You weren't happy. You wouldn't have been happy with anyone, because no woman could possibly be good enough for your little boy. I'm afraid you haven't been well for quite some time. Probably since Voldemort's return, maybe even earlier." Sirius looked to Arthur, who had put the spark plug down on the table and was looking at his wife with tears in his eyes.
Sirius took a deep breath and then continued: "The Molly I knew when I was young was a wonderful woman, one who took care of her own, yes, but didn't judge. She was just and fair. Someone's been tampering with your mind."
"You vile, repulsive, filthy…" Molly went off into a stream of curses, losing all semblance of humanity and foaming at the mouth.
"Zees family ees mad!" Fleur stood up, tossing her silvery hair over one shoulder. "I 'ave 'ad eet! I am going 'ome, where I am going to start a clinic zat will teach women zat zey don't need a man for 'appiness. I am sure all of ze girls in zees place would benefit from such a zing!"
"I will be happy to donate to the cause," Sirius offered and received a brilliant smile.
"Zank you. My solicitors will be in touch." One final smile and a flash of platinum hair, and Fleur was gone.
"Dad, are you alright?" Bill asked, worried. "What about Mum, is she going to be OK?"
"They'll be able to help her at St. Mungo's," Arthur said quietly. "I have to admit, I had wondered. I suppose I was too afraid to find out." Sighing and shaking his head, he gently led his wife into the living room and through the Floo.
Bill and Tonks remained in the kitchen, standing next to each other, holding hands and gazing into each other's eyes.
Remus coughed, and with a guilty start, Tonks turned to look at him.
"Oh, Remus," she said, "I am so sorry! I should have told you about Bill and I…"
"It's not your fault. It was the potion. No apology is necessary," he reassured. Their eyes met, and that simply, everything was understood and forgiven. They hugged tightly.
"Take care of yourself!" Tonks called, just as she and Bill Apparated away.
Sirius snorted at that. Remus ignored him.
Things were exactly the way they were supposed to be.
"Well, that was rather an excellent day's work," Sirius said with satisfaction. "Now, if you like, I have a box for tonight's performance of The TallyWhacker: a Tragedy and thought we could stop for a little ratatouille on the way. I know just where to find one that's nice and fresh…"
From the way Sirius was grinning, Remus was positive he wasn't referring to a vegetable casserole.
Notes on Things I Borrowed That Do Not Belong To Me
Tea, Torching Molly, and giving academic speeches are per aillil's interests and LJ posts. *loves*
The TallyWhacker: A Tragedy was provided by pre_raphaelite1 during the course of her absolutely wonderful beta. Also, the incest joke was added in purely because she said that one was needed. *g* She was right.
The characters and setting - belong to JK Rowling, except the ones that belonged to Doyle.
Copy of Report on Surprise Inspection of Case #14568 was written by the wonderful Treemonisha, as linked.
Quotes/Ideas: The dog on the moor frightening Sir Henry Baskerville
Remus being set up to woo a lady who was already married.
The ending, where Sirius suggests they go to a play and to dinner.
Taken and modified from Doyle's The Hound of the Baskervilles.
Quotes/Ideas: "I have given you a serious shock by my unnecessarily dramatic reappearance"
"Here's BRITISH BIRDS, and CATULLUS, and THE HOLY WAR"
"which afforded me the greatest shock and surprise of any event in my adventurous life"
Sirius' ploy to dress up like a bookseller.
Taken (and some modified) from Doyle's The Empty Room.
Quotes/Ideas: "That depends…are we…Black?"
"Yes, we are."
"Then we're awake. But very puzzled."
Taken from Mel Brook's Blazing Saddles
Quotes/Ideas: "I'm not denying anything! and "Ha! Another denial"
"How many husbands have you had?" and "Mine or other women's?"
Taken from Clue, the movie.
Title: The Return of Sirius Black
Rating/Warnings: PG, humour, R/S, Molly bashing, Bring Back Black, Remus/Tonks breakup
Summary: In which Sherlock!Sirius returns from beyond the veil to solve another mystery and Remus Lupin drinks more tea.
Word Count: about 2,800
Notes: Written with love for aillil. :) Many thanks to pre_raphaelite1 for her beta!
Credits for borrowed ideas (practically all of them) and quotes are to be found at the end.
An epilogue of sorts (it should stand on its own though) to the previous chapters found here: Case the first, Case the second, and Case the third.
The Return of Sirius Black
In which Sherlock!Sirius solves another mystery
And Remus Lupin drinks more tea
The moon, nearing its full, shone brightly until a low, thick fog obscured it in a slow yet powerful movement of atmospheric inspiration. The silence of the moors was broken only by the occasional nervous rustling of local animals seeking shelter.
A chill breeze blew for a moment and allowed a silver gleam of moonlight to shine down from the clouds, illuminating an enormous, shaggy, black figure that sat sniffing the air and whining pitifully. Then the breeze moved on to more exciting and inhabited places, and the dog lifted up his head and howled his loneliness to the moon.
A Muggle named Sir Henry Baskerville, who'd been passing by on the way to claim his father's cursed estate, saw the canine silhouette and paled, terrified.
This is not his story.
*
Remus J. Lupin was about to receive the greatest shock and surprise of his adventurous life.
He didn't look like a man to whom anything unusual could happen at all. His hair was almost entirely grey although his face showed only the very beginning lines of worry and care. His clothes were old, but well cared for and neatly mended.
His young and pretty wife was out for the day, so Remus had decided to settle in with a nice cup of tea to work on a speech he'd agreed to give to a conference of academics. He had been invited to speak on a subject about which he'd recently published a well-received paper. This was a very prestigious event and could aid in re-establishing himself as a scholar, even in circles where his werewolf status was widely known. It was important that everything went smoothly.
There was a knock at the door. Remus cursed under his breath. The whole point of living on a lonely moor, miles away from the nearest neighbor, was that said neighbor wouldn't be able to interrupt one's tea.
For a moment, Remus thought to ignore the visitor, but there was always the chance that it was another surprise inspection from the Ministry, although he hadn't had one since the Ministry's infamous Case #14568. He wondered if the young Miss Felsted had ever recovered.
Good times.
He answered the door to find an old, stooped grey man standing on the other side. The top of his head barely came to Remus' chest, and his eyes were hidden beneath the brim of a battered old hat.
"You will pardon the interruption, I am sure. I just purchased the old bookstore down in the village, and would like to make your acquaintance. I've brought a few samples with me, and I'd like to get an idea of your preferences to aid in ordering."
Book delivery? Out in the middle of nowhere? Remus knew a good thing when he saw it. "Come on in, then, and have a seat. May I get you a cup of tea?"
"No, thank you." The old man walked inside and Remus could see a number of books tucked under one curiously strong-looking arm.
"May I?" Remus gestured to the books and asked, salivating.
"Why certainly," said the old man, handing them over one by one. "Here's British Birds for Bent Blokes, Catullus' Catamite, and The Holy War: Boys Gone Wild!
"Now then," said Remus with his trademark mildness, "What exactly are you on about? Whatever my past, I assure you I have no interest in upsetting my wife."
"Is that her?" the old man asked, gesturing to the wall on which a painted Tonks' bubblegum pink hair was, oddly, rapidly turning mousy brown.
Remus looked at the picture for a moment, frowning. "Yes."
When he turned again, Sirius Black was sitting across from him.
And for the first time ever, in an almost entirely un-book-related incident, Remus Lupin fainted.
*
"Are you awake?" Sirius was asking, sounding breathless and panicked, when Remus regained consciousness. "Say something! Remus, are you awake?"
Remus opened one eye and found he was lying on his sofa, his collar loosened with Sirius sitting next to him. "That depends. Are we…Black?"
"Yes, we are."
"Then we're awake. But very puzzled."
"My fault, Moony. I have given you a serious shock by my unnecessarily dramatic reappearance."
"If it hadn't been unnecessarily dramatic, Padfoot, I wouldn't have believed it was really you."
"You wound me."
"It would be my pleasure. Hand me my wand?"
"Would you like some tea, instead?" Sirius asked.
"I think I'd rather hex you," Remus said fretfully. "You're supposed to be dead, you know."
"I know," Sirius agreed, not sounding the least bit apologetic.
"What about Harry?"
"We can't tell him. They used me against him, Remus!" Sirius' voice was anguished.
Remus sat up and, without thinking, began to open his arms to comfort Sirius. He swallowed miserably when he realized that it was probably highly inappropriate to hug your recently-returned-from-the-dead boyfriend after you'd gone and gotten married instead of pining another twelve years for him.
He allowed his arms to drop back into his lap. "Padfoot, we've an awful mess."
"So I gather. What on earth possessed you to marry my cousin?"
"She's a wonderful girl. Hasn't been imprisoned or died once! Why shouldn't I marry her?" Just because Remus had asked himself the same thing, many times, did not give Sirius the right to ask as well.
"Remus, I'm so very sorry." Sirius' voice was low and utterly sincere.
"I know you are." Remus sighed. "What happened? How did you come back to life?"
"I was never dead. I'm still not sure why everyone was so convinced that I was."
"Dumbledore said-"
Sirius interrupted. "Oh, I see. Dumbledore said. You do mean the Dumbledore who said I'd sworn myself to Voldemort, thereby indirectly killing James and Lily and blowing up a street full of Muggles?"
"Er."
"The Dumbledore who insisted Harry would be 'just fine' with those Muggles?"
"Well-" Remus started, but Sirius wasn't having it.
"The Dumbledore who trusted Severus Snape?"
"How did you know about that?"
"I could see everything that was going on, the whole time." Sirius smirked.
"Oh," said Remus. He swallowed. "Everything?"
Sirius' smirk grew wider. "Enough. Enough to know that Dumbledore was a bit of a fool, among other things."
"Have you no respect for the dead?" Remus still could not bear to hear Dumbledore, the man who had been responsible for everything about his life that made it different from the poor lost souls of Greyback's pack, insulted.
"Apparently, I am the dead." Sirius said dryly. He arched an eyebrow and leered. "Care for a spot of necrophilia, mate?"
"Oh, what the hell, why not," Remus answered.
It was just like old times.
*
Several hours later, when the lengthening shadows announced not only the evening, but also Remus' bride's imminent return, Remus lifted his head.
"Lovely as that was, we still have a little problem," Remus said.
"A problem to some, perhaps, but not to one who has developed his naturally keen powers of observation and deduction." Sirius' impression of Sherlock Holmes came seemingly from out of nowhere, but was still letter-perfect.
Remus burst out laughing, and if it sounded a little as though he was crying as well, Sirius had the common decency not to remark upon it.
They rose and dressed. Sirius was in better shape than Remus would've dared to hope. He was neither young nor beautiful, of course, but the new lines and wear he'd sustained during horrible year he'd spent trapped in his parents' house were gone.
Sirius reached for Remus' wand, raising an eyebrow seeking Remus’ consent. Remus nodded, and with a particularly stylized Swish, Twist, Flick! there appeared a once-familiar hat and magnifying glass.
Just then, the front door opened, and Tonks walked in and saw Sirius.
"Oh, bugger," she said.
"Wotcher, Tonks!" Sirius grinned.
Tonks’ hair began wildly and rapidly shifting through the entire rainbow of colours. Remus couldn't help but sympathize with what she must be going through. Sirius' death had hit Tonks extremely hard. Glad as she must be to find him still alive, however, she had to know what that meant to their marriage.
Remus couldn't help but be impressed by the way her hair finally settled to pink and she smiled warmly. She crossed the room swiftly and hugged Sirius tightly for many long moments before pulling back to look at him.
"You have been lying to Remus," Sirius said sternly, before Tonks could speak. "But it is not your fault," he added, more gently.
"Come with me," he continued, "I will reveal everything."
"Not in front of your cousin, Padfoot," Remus admonished.
*
Together, on Sirius' suggestion, they Apparated to the Weasley house. Remus was at first surprised when Fleur answered the door, before he expositionally remembered that she recently married to Bill and had reluctantly agreed to stay at her mother-in-law's home while her own house was being remodeled. Apparently Bill felt Fleur would need a bigger kitchen to feed their eventual brood.
Moving briskly and even a touch flamboyantly, Sirius led Fleur, Remus and Tonks to the generous kitchen at the Burrow.
Molly bustled in quickly, followed by Arthur. "Fleur, dear, was someone at the door?" Her eyes landed on Remus first. "Remus! What a pleasant surprise! What brings you here?" Molly fussed, waving her wand and setting a very large teakettle on.
Sirius stood up, attracting her attention and giving her a very cheeky grin. "Hullo, Mollywobbles."
"YOU! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY KITCHEN?" Molly shouted, her face turning an unpleasant shade of red.
"I've come back from beyond the grave to hunt down and punish those who would match fuchsia curtains with avocado tiling," Sirius answered, gesturing around the room. "But I see I am already too late."
"Molly, sit down. Sirius, don't antagonize her." Remus smiled. Exactly like old times.
"Why don't you tell us what all this is about?" Bill asked sensibly, as everyone except Sirius took a chair.
"An excellent idea." Sirius smiled. "Many events have taken place during my recent absence that might seem puzzling and even out of character when viewed as separate incidents. However, it is my intent to show you all that a single, twisted mind is behind all of them."
He began pacing the length of the kitchen, the robe he had borrowed from Remus billowing behind him much more impressively than Remus had ever managed. "Let's start with Remus' marriage."
"Sirius, I know how you feel about him, but you were dead and I-" Tonks began, but stopped when Sirius waved an irritated hand in her direction.
"Please, do not interrupt. I must tell this story my way, put all of the pieces together in a way so that all will be understood. After, you will be free to ask any questions you wish."
Reluctantly, Tonks nodded.
Sirius pretended to think deeply, with great exaggeration. "Now, where was I? Oh, yes. The very little, minor, practically insignificant, fact of Remus' marriage. To my cousin. My female cousin."
"You mean, she's a girl?" Remus gasped in mock horror. "Your mental processes are as nimble as ever. Truly awe-inspiring."
"You say that," Sirius said slyly, "but I know exactly how many times you've-"
"Can we just get to the point?" Tonks interrupted quickly, blushing.
"Remus, I am pleased to inform you that your marriage is not legal," Sirius announced triumphantly.
"Of course it is!" Molly said scornfully. "You're in denial."
"I think you mean Remus is in denial, Mum," Bill offered helpfully.
Remus seethed. "I'm not denying anything!"
"Ha!" said Molly. "Another denial!"
Sirius shook his head. "Remus' state of denial has nothing to do with it. The Ministry of Magic laws governing the definition of marriage clearly, if unfairly to the polyamorous, state that no witch or wizard may have more than one legal spouse."
"Remus was already married?" Arthur asked.
Sirius ignored Arthur, instead helping himself to Remus' wand, which he pointed at Bill's head.
"Sirius!" Remus said as though to scold, but without any real force. He hadn't had this much fun since Sirius had put baby oil in Snape's shampoo at Grimmauld Place.
"Stop! What are you doing to my 'usband?" Fleur demanded, taking her wand out and pointing it at Sirius.
"I won't hurt him," Sirius said, his grey eyes twinkling.
"It will be fine, dear," Bill reassured his wife, "he's all bark and no bite." Fleur nodded reluctantly and lowered her wand.
"I beg to differ," Remus muttered under his breath.
"Finite Incantatem!" Sirius waved Remus' wand. With a quiet 'Poof!' a spell dissipated, and a puff of smoke formed a halo around Bill's head.
Bill shook his head, slightly dazed. He looked over at Tonks and smiled. He then looked to Fleur, sitting next to him and blinked, confused. "Hullo, Fleur. Good to see you. Why am I sitting next to you instead of my wife?" He gestured to Tonks.
"Your wife?" Molly shrieked.
"His wife? But you told me he was practically your brother!" Remus burst out, peeved despite himself.
"He is…practically," Tonks said, her eyes big and her lower lip growing ever so slightly.
"I love my family," Sirius said fondly. "Forever oblivious to that fine line that separates sibling from spouse."
"SHUT UP, SIRIUS!" Remus and Tonks shouted together.
"Fine. Bill is my first husband. So what?"
"Your first? How many husbands have you had?" Remus growled.
"Mine or other women's?" Tonks answered sarcastically. "And it's not like you should care, you-"
"Calm down, everyone," Arthur cut in. Everyone ignored him. He shrugged and pulled a spark plug from the pocket of his robes and began toying with it.
"My marriage to Bill was a mistake. I only kept it secret because I didn't want to hurt you!" Tonks insisted, looking to Remus, her expression desperate.
"A mistake?" Bill said, looking lost.
Sirius turned to Arthur. "Do you have any standard antidotes for Imperius-class potions on hand?"
Arthur blinked. "Of course! It's a requirement now, for those in management at the Ministry to keep such things around at all times."
"Our Arthur's quite gone up in the world," Molly said proudly, but her voice soon grew cold. "Still, I won't have you forcing potion down people's throats in my home. Arthur, call the Ministry!"
Sirius threw Remus a warning glance.
Remus nodded his understanding and surreptitiously slipped Molly's wand from her apron pocket.
Accio potion! Sirius incanted, and a small bottle of red liquid zoomed to his hand.
"ARTHUR!!!" Molly screamed, her fingers scrabbling for her wand but not finding it. "CALL THE AURORS AT ONCE!"
Arthur never looked up from his spark plug. "Just a minute, dear."
"Have I ever told you that you remind me of my mother?" Sirius asked Molly. He handed the potion over to Tonks. "Here, cousin. Drink this."
Tonks shrugged. "Cheers!" she said, and she drank.
When the vial was emptied, she looked at it, looked from Remus to Bill and back to Remus again. "Bloody hell," she breathed.
"Precisely!" agreed Sirius, in full form now. "You were under the influence of Amortentia for more than a year. Someone noticed your growing attachment to Bill and decided to put a stop to it."
Everyone in the room turned to look at Fleur.
She sniffed. "I 'ave no need to use potions to make a man fall in love wiz me."
Molly hissed, "Little hussy. This is all your fault, you're a wrong 'un, I knew it all along!"
"Just who are you calling an 'ussy?" Fleur demanded, her face becoming bird-like with rage.
"What's her problem?" Tonks asked. "Imagine, losing control of herself like that in front of everyone."
There was dead silence in the room for a moment as everyone turned to look at Tonks.
Sirius was the first to break the silence. Ignoring Tonks, he smiled at Fleur and said, "No, you don't need potions to attract a man. Tell me, was Molly happy at the prospect of having you as a daughter-in-law?"
Fleur shook her head. "She was 'orrible to me when I came to zees 'ouse! Until Bill 'ad 'ees accident."
"You ungrateful little liar!" Molly rolled her eyes. "Honestly!"
"No, Molly. She's quite right. You weren't happy. You wouldn't have been happy with anyone, because no woman could possibly be good enough for your little boy. I'm afraid you haven't been well for quite some time. Probably since Voldemort's return, maybe even earlier." Sirius looked to Arthur, who had put the spark plug down on the table and was looking at his wife with tears in his eyes.
Sirius took a deep breath and then continued: "The Molly I knew when I was young was a wonderful woman, one who took care of her own, yes, but didn't judge. She was just and fair. Someone's been tampering with your mind."
"You vile, repulsive, filthy…" Molly went off into a stream of curses, losing all semblance of humanity and foaming at the mouth.
"Zees family ees mad!" Fleur stood up, tossing her silvery hair over one shoulder. "I 'ave 'ad eet! I am going 'ome, where I am going to start a clinic zat will teach women zat zey don't need a man for 'appiness. I am sure all of ze girls in zees place would benefit from such a zing!"
"I will be happy to donate to the cause," Sirius offered and received a brilliant smile.
"Zank you. My solicitors will be in touch." One final smile and a flash of platinum hair, and Fleur was gone.
"Dad, are you alright?" Bill asked, worried. "What about Mum, is she going to be OK?"
"They'll be able to help her at St. Mungo's," Arthur said quietly. "I have to admit, I had wondered. I suppose I was too afraid to find out." Sighing and shaking his head, he gently led his wife into the living room and through the Floo.
Bill and Tonks remained in the kitchen, standing next to each other, holding hands and gazing into each other's eyes.
Remus coughed, and with a guilty start, Tonks turned to look at him.
"Oh, Remus," she said, "I am so sorry! I should have told you about Bill and I…"
"It's not your fault. It was the potion. No apology is necessary," he reassured. Their eyes met, and that simply, everything was understood and forgiven. They hugged tightly.
"Take care of yourself!" Tonks called, just as she and Bill Apparated away.
Sirius snorted at that. Remus ignored him.
Things were exactly the way they were supposed to be.
"Well, that was rather an excellent day's work," Sirius said with satisfaction. "Now, if you like, I have a box for tonight's performance of The TallyWhacker: a Tragedy and thought we could stop for a little ratatouille on the way. I know just where to find one that's nice and fresh…"
From the way Sirius was grinning, Remus was positive he wasn't referring to a vegetable casserole.
Notes on Things I Borrowed That Do Not Belong To Me
Tea, Torching Molly, and giving academic speeches are per aillil's interests and LJ posts. *loves*
The TallyWhacker: A Tragedy was provided by pre_raphaelite1 during the course of her absolutely wonderful beta. Also, the incest joke was added in purely because she said that one was needed. *g* She was right.
The characters and setting - belong to JK Rowling, except the ones that belonged to Doyle.
Copy of Report on Surprise Inspection of Case #14568 was written by the wonderful Treemonisha, as linked.
Quotes/Ideas: The dog on the moor frightening Sir Henry Baskerville
Remus being set up to woo a lady who was already married.
The ending, where Sirius suggests they go to a play and to dinner.
Taken and modified from Doyle's The Hound of the Baskervilles.
Quotes/Ideas: "I have given you a serious shock by my unnecessarily dramatic reappearance"
"Here's BRITISH BIRDS, and CATULLUS, and THE HOLY WAR"
"which afforded me the greatest shock and surprise of any event in my adventurous life"
Sirius' ploy to dress up like a bookseller.
Taken (and some modified) from Doyle's The Empty Room.
Quotes/Ideas: "That depends…are we…Black?"
"Yes, we are."
"Then we're awake. But very puzzled."
Taken from Mel Brook's Blazing Saddles
Quotes/Ideas: "I'm not denying anything! and "Ha! Another denial"
"How many husbands have you had?" and "Mine or other women's?"
Taken from Clue, the movie.